He's been in now for 4 months. I'm just so lost without him that I feel like I can not function anymore. I have not got to see him yet because of our sircumstances and he does not want me to see him like this. He wants me to just wait till he gets to a federal Prision and then we will be able to see each other again. He's looking at 10 to 16 years. His hearing was set for july 11th but now they went and changed it to Aug. Why do they do that? We were both looking forward to that day so we would finally know. Now we have to wait another month. He tells me all the time to be strong that were a team and we can do this. But can we? 16 years is a long time. He is my life, and I pray & Hope everyday that we can make it. but sometimes I wonder are we going to make it. Anyone got any advice? I sure would love to have some right now.
:confused:

Hi,

Welcome to PTO. I can relate somewhat to how you feel these days. My husband has only been gone less than 2 weeks and it feels like a lifetime to me. He will be serving 20 months--which is a short time in relation to what I've read on this site. However, the pain and lonliness is no less real. I try to take it 1 day at a time. I have my good moments and not so good moments--that is normal. I'm not sure it will get easier in some respects. I'm sure I will get into a routine of visits and calls. He is about 20 minutes away so I will be able to see him 2 days a week and I know we will talk often in between. It will not be the same, but I want to try to be as positive as I can to keep my relationship growing strong. I will not let the system to take away that--and that is the one thing I can control. They cannot take what we don't let them. My husband and I are both looking forward to a bright and happy future. One mistake will not change that as long as we do not let it.

Waiting can be so difficult. I didn't hear from him for 11 days--when he called--I was in shock. So very glad to hear his voice. He's my best friend and I miss him terribly--not being able to just tell him what's on my mind etc.

I don't know if the time will pass quickly--but it will pass. People say this is a bump on the road. Right now it feels like a mountain. I know in time, I will look back and see it as a bump--probably not until at least 2004!

Take care of yourself--stay healthy, be good to yourself, cut yourself a lot of slack, and don't let anyone bring you down.

As for making it through together--no one can answer that question--but a lot of it is up to you and him.

I wish you better days and if you need to talk--PTO is a good place.

Take care,

Molly

MEDUSA- AS YOU BROWSE THIS SITE AND READ OTHER POSTS YOU WILL SEE THAT MANY HERE, INCLUDING MYSELF, HAVE EXPERIENCED THE FEELINGS YOU ARE HAVING NOW--AND CONTINUE TO EXPERIENCE SOME THINGS THROUGHOUT THE 'JOURNEY" OF BEING "TOGETHER BUT APART"--I DON'T THINK ANYONE WILL TELL YOU IT IS EASY BUT IT IS "DO-ABLE"--AS MOLLY SAID, THE OUTCOME IS REALLY UP TO YOU AND HIM. IT WILL BE A VERY BUMPY ROAD, UNDOUBTEBTLY, BUT YOU WILL BOTH GROW AS INDIVIDUALS AND AS A COUPLE IF YOU WORK AT IT. YOU WILL LEARN TO APPRECIATE THE SMALLEST OF THINGS AND EACH OTHER IN A WAY YOU NEVER HAVE BEFORE. WAITING IS HARD AS HELL, ESPECIALLY FOR IMPATIENT PEOPLE LIKE ME --BUT LIKE THEY SAY ANYTHING WORTH HAVING IS WORTH WORKING FOR, AND WAITING FOR. HANG IN THERE-WE WILL BE HERE FOR YOU. LET US KNOW IF YOU NEED A HUG, A GOOD LAUGH, OR A SOUNDING BOARD. WE WILL BE HERE.

Medusa,

Yes, I know exactly how you are feeling. The wait for Billy's sentence was awful especially when they would postpone it. ARGH!! Billy's in federal now and he has 2 years left.

Welcome to PTO. I hope that you find the support that you are looking for. :wave:

MEDUSSA

BLESS YOU CHILD.... YOU WILL MAKE IT BELIEVE ME.... IT DOES NOT GET BETTER BUT IT WILL GET EASIER..... KEEP YOURSELF BUSY... DO NOT SIT AT HOME THINKING ALL THE TIME.... STAY INVOLVED WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS... GO TO CHURCH... LEARN TO PRAY IF YOU HAVE NOT ALREADY....

THIS IS NOT EASY AT ALL BUT YOU WILL FIND A LOT OF SUPPORT FROM PEOPLE WHO ARE IN THE SAME SITUATION YOU ARE IN..... THESE PEOPLE ARE GOOD PEOPLE AND REALLY DO CARE ABOUT YOU.... SO, KEEP POSTING AND MEET PTO..

MY PRAYERS
DONNA

Medusachick,

Welcome to PTO, & hope to see you here often. I know how hard it is to be asking your self the questions your asking, & trying to face the reality of the situation in such a mature & honest self examination. It's a hard yet a very brave thing to do. The only advise I can give is to tell you how me & my wife handled a similar situation.

First, I understand how he feels about visits. I didn't like visits, & would never want my kids to see me locked up like I was. My wife never visited me (at my request), & in all the time I did my mom visited once, & my sister visited once. Everyone handles visits & phone calls, & writing letters (staying in contact with the outside world) differantly.

Staying with someone doing 10-16 years is an extreamly hard thing to do. One of the things I admire about the women here at PTO, is their ability to actually do it year in & year out, dealing with all the ups & downs, yet still have the strength to hang in their. Yet, I'm sure each has had to have the same soul searching selfexamination that you are going through right now. No matter what your decision is , to stay or to leave you have my respect for at least having the courage to go through the honest search for an answer.

When ever I was locked up for any long amount of time, I always cut my wife lose. I would tell her she had a life to live & things on the outside she would have to deal with on her own, & I couldn't fault her for not wanting to wait years for me. That she had to to what was best for her & we would deal with us when I got out, if there was an us. She however stood by me every time but once. I was sent to prison & she moved to Arizona to be with her family. It wasn't anything planned or set up, but she met a guy & fell for him & ended up moving in with him. Needless to say this was extreamly hard on me but there was nothing I could do about it. I had no right to expect her to put her life on hold for me, plus things happen in life we don't expect or plan, & meeting someone & falling for them is one of them. Once I got out it took me a year to get her back but I did finally win out.

I can't tell you what to do, but with all the input of the good people here, & with your own soul searching you will come to a decision. 10-16 years is a long time & not something to be taken lightly. I pray that you get the guidence you desire.----Ken

Medusa....
I just want to extend another welcome to PTO and add another "yes-- I understand everything you are thinking and feeling...." Every day is difficult... I am not even going to lie about that... But it is possible.... I have to agree with the advice that other people have given.... to just take it one day at a time.... and to keep yourself busy and find support to get you through the rough days (I have found what I need here at PTO).... I have to agree with Sherri too that your relationship may not only survive, but may grow stronger than it has ever been.... I met JD when he was incarcerated, but I know I have a closer relationship with him than I ever have with any other man in my life and I have yet to even kiss the man.....
Come back to PTO often... We DO understand and will be here to help in any way possible.....

Another welcome to PTO! And somehow you will make it through the days as they stretch into months and... I can't bring myself to say "years." I do know where you are coming from, M-chick. I have only been through one year of this and have 9 years plus change to go. You came to the right place.

I just want to say Thank You! To all of you! I really dont know my way around PTO yet.
But Thank you all for your replies.

welcome to pto, medusa. as everyone has said, you WILL get through it. it will be diffcult, but love DOES conquer all. you will learn to cherish each letter and each visit and you will make it! :)

Another welcome from me medusachick!!
Well everybody has pretty much summed up what I would tell you. As stated before me, not everyday is going to be a good day w/waiting for your man, try to keep busy.
Most importantly though keep the lines of communication as open as possible between you 2. Write, have him call & when he gets situated in a Fed. prison go to see him as much as you can (if it's possible). Being able to do those 3 things will help in the days when you have your doubts.

I myself have had many thoughts about being w/my fiancee. I sometimes get so frustrated that I think..."Is this really worth it?" Then I see a letter, get a call...even just to look around my home & see all the drawings, cards, etc. he has done for me & I know it's all worth it. Even to re-read a letter or 2 from him helps me out when that frustrations rises.

Time away from our loved 1's is a true test in how strong we really are! I know for myself I have become a very strong woman in my loving & staying true to my fiancee.

Take care!

Well welcome and you came to the right place. we are there for you. it is going to be hard. there are people here that have loved ones in doing life. so you are not alone girl. just remember to keep your head up and things will be ok. keep us posted on what happens. this is a great place to talk and let out your frustration and just to vent or let the good news flow. let us know what happens..... again welcome/