Tonight is my first night here. My husband was arrested yesterday for domestic violence against me. I suppose all the stories are the same so I won't go into detail accept to say that I was beaten bad and I filed charges against him- not the state. Maybe some women will find it wrong as he tells me they will, I don't know. I don't know if i did not love him enough or what I did wrong to make him break like he has but I have paid the price and he will pay for what he did to me. Maybe I am looking for someone to tell me that filing, taking the pictures, making the statement against him was the right thing to do- I don't know what I am looking for. The anger inside me is deep and it gets worst everytime I look in the mirror. I'm just really sad. My neighbor tells me I need counseling- I don't see it happening-what if they tell me I need to try to work things out with him? I think I came here for advise.

sokiegirl:

You should not feel bad for pressing charges against him, I feel that was the right thing to do. Any man that puts his hands on a woman is a coward and it will not be the last time. Counseling may not be a bad idea, however; it may bring out feelings and issues about you that you are not ready to deal with, I don't think that they would necessarily tell you to go back, especially under the circumstances. Domestic Violence is a big deal and many women have died from it. Your first instinct is always the right one and I say press charges and get the *** out of there! Good Luck and I will be praying for you. Husband or not when you start putting your hands on me all bets are OFF!

If he is telling you that people will think you are wrong for filing charges he is trying to manipulate you. You absolutely did the RIGHT thing. Don't worry about whether you loved him enough, he did not love you enough if he put his hands on you. I do not think you will find one person here who thinks you did the wrong thing. The wrong thing would be for you to take him back! You will find a lot of support here!

Sokie - the last thing a Domestic Abuse counselor would look to do would be to help you restore the relationship! They don't need extra business. No-one here would think of downing you for reporting him; many of us have done the same thing, for the same reasons. Just because you're married to a man in prison doesn't mean we won't support you for putting him there - some people NEED prison, though we hate to admit it.
Contact your local Domestic Abuse hotline just for some talk. You've probably allowed a lot of controlling crap before this, and you have a right to get it behind you. They can help.
Hugs!

I cried for the first time after reading the replys from you ladies. I am so confused, angry and just sort of lost. I am building up the courage to call the domestic hotline people. I'm not saying I will meet them in person because I am ashamed of the way I look, what he has done to me, but maybe just to talk. Maybe they have ideas on how I can remain in my home and just get on with life.

Hon, they've seen what you look like, it's just that the name was different.
They've seen it, and worse. They will be very calm and professional about it, though you will certainly have their sympathy.

The crying is good - you're finally letting yourself feel. You've been avoiding it for a while, because what you would have to feel was that confusion between who you are and what he called you, between who you are and what he thought of you, between what love is supposed to be like and what he actually gave you.

You just stick with us, kiddo - we'll hug you (long-distance) if you need to cry some more.

Sokie girl, often when a person is the victim of physical abuse by their spouse, they end up blaming themselves. They look in the mirror and they try to find out what they did to bring on the beating. That's the wrong way to look at it. YOU are the victim. By calling the cops on him you affirmed yourself and that is a good thing. You need to get counseling to help you realize how much power you have and how far you can go in your life. I do hope you get help because it can be very useful.

Hugs to you. You did the right thing. Keep your head up no matter what. We will be here for you. NO One has the right to touch you!!

SOKIE GIRL, i HAVE A FRIEND WHO IS IN DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SAYS SHE WILL LEAVE AND NEVER DOES. EVERYONE AROUND HER BELIEVES SHE LIKES THE ABUSE. SHE JUSTIFIES WHY HE DID WHAT HE DID AND STAYS. SAYS I DON'T UNDERSTAND. i HAVE NEVER BEEN HIT NOR WILL I ALLOW THAT EITHER. i BELIEVE WHAT YOU DID WAS RIGHT FOR YOU. i APPLAUD YOU AND SO DO MANY OTHERS DO TOO. ITS SAD TO SAY THAT TOO MANY WOMEN LET WHAT HAPPEN TO THEM BE THEIR FAULTS OR SOMETHING THEY DID WRONG AND STAY WITH THE GUY. iTS NOTHING YOU DID. ITS HIM!!! SO DO NOT FEEL BAD ITS HIM AND NOT YOU

A woman came to talk to me from a shelter last evening. It was strange because I was nervous at first but she made me feel comfortable talking within a little bit. She says the place can help me file in court to have him restrained from returning home, they will help me when I file for divorce and she believes I should go to somekind of group meetings or maybe one on one for counseling. There are many messages on my answering machine from his family. Some say I need to drop charges and bail him out. Some say very mean things about me deserving what I got. Some say it is only the beginning and it will not just be him to do this to me. I have unplugged the house phone and turned off my cellphone. They say it is my fault he is locked away from other people in the jail-somekind of crazy side.I do not come here to whine. I do not like what happened to me and have promised myself that it will not happen again even if it means being by myself for the rest of my life. Thank you for letting me come here to talk and I appreciate this site on the web. It is easy here because I am faceless.

[quote=sokiegirl]A woman came to talk to me from a shelter last evening. It was strange because I was nervous at first but she made me feel comfortable talking within a little bit. She says the place can help me file in court to have him restrained from returning home, they will help me when I file for divorce and she believes I should go to somekind of group meetings or maybe one on one for counseling. There are many messages on my answering machine from his family. Some say I need to drop charges and bail him out. Some say very mean things about me deserving what I got. Some say it is only the beginning and it will not just be him to do this to me. I have unplugged the house phone and turned off my cellphone. They say it is my fault he is locked away from other people in the jail-somekind of crazy side.I do not come here to whine. I do not like what happened to me and have promised myself that it will not happen again even if it means being by myself for the rest of my life. Thank you for letting me come here to talk and I appreciate this site on the web. It is easy here because I am faceless.[/quot


your first step was a very courageous one. in many ways its one that will save your life both physically and mentally. Just keep going about yoru day doing what you want to do as best as you can and KEEP meeting with councelors. its not an easy or short process. As to the people calling you . Turn your phones back on ... when you answer it and it is them the first words out of yoru mouth should be "i am recording this call". They are cowards liek your husband and will stop caling and if that doesnt work pm me and if you give me the number i can have a police officer make arrangements to talk to them . Stay smiling and strong

Keep the recordings of his family's calls - be prepared to take them to court so the restraining order will apply to them too. Stand proud - they have no couuth at all, but you do!

Tonight his sister & brother came to my house drunk. The officers led them off my property and told them I had put a no trespassing on them so if they come again they will arrest them. Tomorrow I will file restraing orders as the shelter tells me I should. It is just somehow unbelievable to me that I stand totally beaten down and they see nothing wrong with the situation. Its not like I was running around on him, not like I didn't take care of him and not like I robbed him as he slept or something. My downfall was I was feeling sick and didn't want to cook or take care of him & his drunk friends. I don't even know why I feel the need to explain. It must be his family calling me names and making me feel like it is my fault he beat me up. It makes no sense. Sorry I am just venting and thinking out loud.

It would not matter if you did do all of the above to him. He had/has NO RIGHT TO HIT YOU EVER!!! As for his family they need to be locked up all so. I would just get POs on them all so. You vent all you want that is what we are here for.

Please take cathy69 advice. Pm her. I think she can also help you.
Do not feel bad at all for what you did, by having him arrested.
Save all those threats if you are recording them, turn them over to the domestic violence people or if you have hired a attorney give them to him for safe keeping. DO NOT let anyone intimadate you!! You count too. You are important also. I am glad you are going forward with this. NO MAN, should ever hit a Lady. We have your best interest at heart. I wish I was close to give you a big warm hug.
Keep your chin up. Do not take any abuse from ANYONE!! Do not open the DOOR for anyone. If its his family call the police.

You're doing great! Don't let anyone EVER call you down. You are standing up for yourself, and for your child's emotional health and safety, and that's all you need to believe.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has responded to me so positively in this. Sometimes setting alone in this house gets to me and I start wondering if I had done this or that different if maybe he wouldn't have done this to us. I say 'us' because I am very large with my baby. His family, well they have their own issues so its best they leave me alone. Sometimes I want to call my mom so bad but the last words from her were 'don't call me when it gets bad' so I won't. So you know other then the people from the shelter and this site I'm alone on trying to figure out the best moves for my child and myself. I'm just thankful that everyone is positive with me here. Thank you.

i agree with cathy totally-they are cowards and once you say "i am recording this call"they will know you are serious.his family is trying to intimidate you to take him bac cuz they dont want to have to deal with hs crazy azz!honey,pull out all the stops and protect yourself.this will blow over and if i were you i still would not socialize with them cuz they got something up their sleeve...and it aint skin.

I wanted to come back here and thank all of you for pming me about calling my parents. (A special hug and thank you to Nimuay) My parents arrived to pick me up early this morning so we will soon be heading home. It was the best thing I'd ever seen when they pulled in front of my house! It had been 22 months since I had contact with them so you know the hugs were long and there were too many "I'm sorry" to counts. You know my husband beat me to crap but it didn't stop my family from loving me just like you guys told me. Thank you for creating this site and I am grateful to those of you who reached out to me. I just wanted to tell you all that I am going home. That everything is looking up. And my baby and myself will be safe from here out. (hugs) sokie

Hi Sokie and welcome to PTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:)

As a former victim of Domestic Violence i wish I had the courage you did to file charges against my ex-batterer. Trust me I am paying the piper now, when I don't want to file for a child support order against him (he does not know I relocated and I don't trust the courts to not tell him where I am at....but I have no "legal" proof of the assaults so it is my word against his-even thought his criminal record of assault and strong arm robbery speaks for itself). So i commend you and all the other women that had the courage to do what I could not. I don't think you were wrong at all to file and you did nothing wrong for him to treat you like this. Like most batterers he probably has issues with power and control. I just hope that you are not like one of the many (including myself) to take him back when he comes out. Let this be the last and only (if it is the first time) that he has the opportunity to put his hands on you.

I am praying for you and I support the decision that you made. I think you are strong for doing so. I would encourage to seek out DV counseling though. It has worked wonders for me and i learned a lot and also alot of things to look out for and avoid. You don't have to be a victim anymore.

Best Wishes:

Lovinkiah

Sokie, great news. It sounds like you are headed in the right direction.

I am so Happy for you. I was just going to say Call your parents!! We might not like what you all do But we always Love you and will be there for you. God Bless you stay strong.

Congrats! Sokie! I am so happy for you! Things look like they will be working out for you! =)

Thanks ladies! I am home now and back in my old bedroom. I had to take a second to wake up this morning to see if I was dreaming or if it was for real when I heard mom laughing in the kitchen. You know, it sure is a wonderful feeling to be able to talk, look someone in the eye and say whats on my mind without worrying about catching the back of someone else's hand. I think I can adjust real quick back into this kind of life. (hugs) sokie

I remember that feeling. It is all most like you can hold your head up for the 1st time in a long time. Like the world has been lifted off your shoulders. I'm happy for you for taking the steps to get help.. Hugs to you

I'm so glad you are out of that situation. You deserve better than what he gave you-so does your baby.

Take care of yourself.

Nance

Thanks ladies! I am home now and back in my old bedroom. I had to take a second to wake up this morning to see if I was dreaming or if it was for real when I heard mom laughing in the kitchen. You know, it sure is a wonderful feeling to be able to talk, look someone in the eye and say whats on my mind without worrying about catching the back of someone else's hand. I think I can adjust real quick back into this kind of life. (hugs) sokie

I know that feeling. And i am used to it now. I will never let anyone take this feeling from me again. Congratulations and good luck Sokie. Never doubt for one second that you did the right thing for yourself and your baby!

I wanted to tell you guys that I went to the doctor this morning and saw my baby. They tell me her heartbeat is strong and she has all signs of being normal, I am so excited. Just a few more months and she will be here. Please pray for her that the oxygen cut off to her- when he choked me -was not long enought to effect her brain or development. Mom tells me that she is sure she is fine and if not we will still be okay raising her. We have been busy getting ready for her, buying clothes, diapers, a babybed. I am so glad I am home! (hugs) sokie

Hon, the choking won't have affected her, but the rush of fear hormones might, a little bit. You will be able to overcome that with the love of your family toward her, and your love, too. The greater your mental health, the better hers will be. So see a counselor, now that you're home, and tie up the loose ends of the sorrow and emotion that remain from his abuse.

Many hugs, and congratulations!

I want to tell everyone that I had my baby April 7th. She weighed in at 4 pounds 1 oz. She is doing well even tho she is 6 weeks early. They say that her lungs aren't developed all the way but all is looking well so far. I am excited and will get to hold her before the week ends. I named her Pamela Ann (Pam, after my friend here *wink*) (hugs) sokie

Aw, Babydoll, I am so happy for you... I didn't see your thread until just now, and I was all set, as I was reading along,to tell you how no one deserves to be hit,his family is wrong to hassle you, it's never ok to have to fear your partner, etc, etc.... and now I get to the present and find that you've done exactly what I pray for for all DV victims... you got your life back and you're in a safe place with people who love you...
For you and young Miss Pamela I wish long years, great joys and small troubles... and try not to let the "night fears" get to you, Pam will be just fine, they are much more able now to care for preemies than was the case in the past... kiss her for us when the Doc's say she's kissable.
Big hugs

Sweetie, I'm glad you're both OK! Congratulations! They're very good at handling the lung development now. When do you think she'll get to come home?

CONGRATULATIONS !!!!!!!
I had to go back and get caught up on your posts. Your baby girl has a mama she could be proud of for dueing(sp) the right thing and protecting her too!
My last daughter was 6 weeks early too at 4lbs. I had to wait a few days to bring her home too. She is almost 3 now and never had more than a sniffle.

sokiegirl Whatever you do, don't blame yourself. You did NOTHING wrong!
These kind of men bllame everyone else for their problems. It's a matter of them not accepting responsibility for their own actions. They want to make you believe that you caused the problem! Don't believe that for one second! As far as his family goes, as they say "THE APPLE DOESN'T FALL FAR FROM THE TREE'. I wonder where he gets it from? That's obvious! Did you ever think that with you out of the picture, then he becomes their problem?! Believe me, that is the last thing that they want! Which is probably the reason that they are attacking and blaming you! They're PO'd. Anyway, everytime I took my ex back, the abuse got worse. Had 2 restraining orders, and dropped them. What a mistake! He begged, pleaded and cried, he was so sorry, loved me, couldn't live without me, would never touch me again, blah, blah, blah. Each time, the abuse got worse. It never gets better. Do what you gotta do!! He has no right to touch you! He wants you to feel guilty. He's the one that is guilty, not you! TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!

Aw, Babydoll, I am so happy for you... I didn't see your thread until just now, and I was all set, as I was reading along,to tell you how no one deserves to be hit,his family is wrong to hassle you, it's never ok to have to fear your partner, etc, etc.... and now I get to the present and find that you've done exactly what I pray for for all DV victims... you got your life back and you're in a safe place with people who love you...
For you and young Miss Pamela I wish long years, great joys and small troubles... and try not to let the "night fears" get to you, Pam will be just fine, they are much more able now to care for preemies than was the case in the past... kiss her for us when the Doc's say she's kissable.
Big hugs

I was thinking exactly the same thing. I hadn't seen this thread before and every time I read a thread in the DV forum I always wonder how it will end. This one ends with a new beginning....a brand new baby girl, born to a mother who cared enough to give her a loving home. Think of the difference it will make for her to come home to the safety and love of her extended family. I am so happy for you, I am at a loss for words.

i am happy for you aND i pray that you always take a stand for yourself...and PAMMY.YOU ARE A SURVIVOR.

Oh Sokie, you so did the right thing...I too lived a life like this for 17 years and had 2 kids from him thinking it would stop someday...Not only did it not stop with me, but all the others he has been with since I moved and divorced him have seen that side of him also...I only wish I had done it sooner so stand tall and strong and remember we are all right here for you...Hugs to you girl...Nothing in life is easy but it can be done so hang in there...How long has this been going on?

It ok to think twice about your actions because right now you are really lonely and upset. Don't let your self-esteem go down because you are not a punching bag. There are a lot of program now in society that are helping women such as yourself get the support and network they need. Do you really think you deserve what you got? The answer in my mind is no, maybe this is your way out from him. Take it and pray. Your husband will come around and just because he is your husband doesn't make this ok or alright. When someone loves you they don't do these type of things. It is call lust and yest husband can lust after their wives, etc and vice versa. Trust me love does not do that. He will say he loves you but look deep inside his soul it will come through his eyes whether they are tearful or not when he speaks. Pray that you have the wisdom to know the difference. Love is pure and guenine not deceit, lust and other things. Trust me on that! Ask your self do you really want to do this again, can your body take it? My mother is dead from an abusive husband maybe not directly but it took its toll and we were young when she passed. Maybe there is a chemical imbalance in your husband if at all he is good one minute and hateful the next. Yes, counseling is good just make sure this is what you want but please Sokiegirl pray get on your knees and mean every single word that you ask GOD. He will do it. I am a living witness for my marriage because he knew I could not do it alone and sometime friends and family can't/want help. He put other people here for you...seek them out! There's nothing like the inner you!

Tonight is my first night here. My husband was arrested yesterday for domestic violence against me. I suppose all the stories are the same so I won't go into detail accept to say that I was beaten bad and I filed charges against him- not the state. Maybe some women will find it wrong as he tells me they will, I don't know. I don't know if i did not love him enough or what I did wrong to make him break like he has but I have paid the price and he will pay for what he did to me. Maybe I am looking for someone to tell me that filing, taking the pictures, making the statement against him was the right thing to do- I don't know what I am looking for. The anger inside me is deep and it gets worst everytime I look in the mirror. I'm just really sad. My neighbor tells me I need counseling- I don't see it happening-what if they tell me I need to try to work things out with him? I think I came here for advise.

Thanks you guys! I was so excited writting this post, it was like getting to tell family (hugs all around). She seems to be doing good so they say maybe by Wed. she can come out of the baby ICU. They let me touch her threw a little hole in the glass so I know she is strong because she holds my finger. They give her breathing treatments every few hours to make her lungs stronger and they say they will take the feeding tube out soon. Anyway I wanted to thank all of you again because with your advise, your talking to me and your support I am still feeling like I did the right thing coming home. And I'm sure some wondered if I called him when she was born...no. I'm still not past the hate thing I'm going threw so I don't figure he cares one way or another if she or I made it. (hugs) sokie
P.S. Judge, I have done alot of praying since he started whipping up on me and prayed twice as hard threw my pregnancy but today I pray for the stength to keep moving forward because I understand NO amount of counseling on his part would ever help him---he doesn't believe there is a problem and will not change. I also pray for the next woman in his life (that she makes it out too). Amen.

They look so tiny and frail in those incubators! It can steal the breath from your body, to see all the tubes and lines, and the tiny little veins in the minute little arms and legs.
What made me cry was to see my incredibly tiny (just over 1 pound) grand-daughter in her father's big hands as she lay sleeping on his chest (she could spend a few minutes out of the incubator at a time).

Sokie, you'll move forward, because now you have a stake in the future. Pammy will drag you with her as she grows.

I got to hold her this morning! I just had to tell you all- someone - anyone - everyone....haha. Her weight gain is going very slow but its coming along :-) And I have to admit to all of you that during those few minutes I had a lot of regrets about what happened and what I allowed to effect my daughter. She is so innocent & defenseless in all of this abuse that went on between her father and myself, looking at me with those little eyes. I guess I'm saying that I am angry and have alot of regrets about not getting out before this last beating. I'm mad at myself when I see the tubes running into her arms and legs, the oxygen mask on her face and up until now my only contact with her thru a small hole in the glass. I keep asking myself how could I have placed a man saying he loved me above the well being of my daughter? Its crazy isn't it? Just know everyone that it will never happen again. sokie

((((sokiegirl)))) I am so excited that you got to hold little Pamela! I know you have mixed feelings of joy and regret about your past, but you are on the right track, don't waste time looking back. Just be sure you never go down that road again. I remember the first time I saw a preemie and I thought surely this child is too small to be in this great big world, but that little girl turned out just fine and so will your precious daughter. It is amazing how they can look so fragile but be so perfect. Her little lungs will develop and she will gain weight and you will both be just fine. She is a miracle, created by God and she is yours. We want pictures:D

Sokie, coming from a man this may not mean much to you for wht you have been through. I pray for you and your little baby girl that things will turn out good for you both. I as a man am one that does not believe in raising a hand to a woman. I may be wrong but in my eyes God created woman as one of the most beautiful creatures of this earth. Soft, warm, tender,caring,and loving. How can anyone be mean and cruel to such a wonderful work of art? I have never been able to understand it. I had a tear of joy when I read you were back home and now Little Pam is starting to get better. God has a plan for you and now that you have put the abuse behind you maybe that plan will come to light. God bless you

Sokie - yes, one way to look at it is that you have a lot of regrets. The other way is that you gathered all your strength, and you made a move that will protect your daughter from the most early and pernicious evil. You did it though you were afraid, though you were in pain and torment, when you were alone. That is bravery, and not to be regretted at all. Unfortunately, it is only through the abjectly awful times that we learn our strength and worth. Good times don't do that for us.
Hug my girl for me when you can!

Pamela has a cold they tell me and has lost 4 ounces since Saturday. She has to remain in ICU and things are back to just watching her threw glass. Just wanted to tell you guys so keep her in your prayers please. sokie

It goes like that, kiddo. My grand-daughter spent 3 months in the incubator, and her birth weight was 1 lb 6 oz. She dropped below 1 lb. in the first week! She gained irregularly after that, and occasionally dropped a few ounces again.
It's a slower process than we would wish. But it all comes out right eventually. Give it time. Hugs!

Thanks Nimuay, I'm trying to be light hearted, hopeful and spend time with her everytime they will allow me in with her. Maybe I'm just wanting things to move along faster and then I get scared when they tell me they are trying to keep her cold from turning to more. She sleeps ALOT. But let me tell everyone again...I am so thankful to be home so we aren't doing this alone. (hugs) sokie

Sokiegirl
After all you have been through I know you will with the aid from God find the strength to endure this one more set back. Little Pamela and you are in all our prayers. God bless you

I pm'ed Pamela's namesake earlier to let her know that Pamela is having a hard time. I'm told in the hospital that pnemonia (spelling sorry) is normal in having your child too early and so is weight loss but we are going threw it too. She is down too 3 pounds now, sleeps alot, has breathing treatments every few hours and I only see her threw glass again. I don't write this for pity or sorrow but maybe if there is another pregnant woman or one with children to stop and pay attention. Pam and me - we made it out but maybe not in time. Please don't let this happen to you or yours...not for any man, not for any reason, not even if you think there is hope he might change down the road. Don't let it happen please. Be smarter then me and don't believe anyone that says they love you but rises their hand to you because they aren't worth it. sokie

Wow Sokie....

Your stregnth through all of this is incredible. I'm praying extra hard for you and Pam. Please keep us updated.

((((sokie & Pamela)))

You are truly in my prayers. Sokie you know that this is in God's hands. I'm praying for you to remain strong and for Pamela to grow stronger everyday. Keep the faith.

I posted in the prayer section that was started for my daughter but wanted to let everyone here know that Pamela has not lost any weight in 3 days...I'm so happy. They've explained to me in the hospital that she isn't out of the woods yet but I feel things are looking up and am so relieved. I just wanted to share some good news for a change. (hugs) sokie

Hey, Sokie! That's very good news indeed. Now she's halfway up too!

Wahoo...way to go Pamela! Sokie, I know you are relieved. I really do think of you often and continue to send prayers and good thoughts your way. Thanks for keeping us posted.

You are doing the right thing.Fight it till the fight is over.Always remember at least you are alive to fight and to make sure he never does this again to u or any one else.Good luck with everything going on in your life.Some days are eaiser than others,but you are strong you will survive.Again good luck and take care

I wanted to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers. Pamela is alot better now and we hope to have her out of the baby ICU by Monday. She has had her feeding tube removed and is eating from a bottle now, her lungs are almost clear and she is gaining weight. They let me hold her everyday and I feel her getting stronger. I am so excited! Maybe in a week or two I can bring her home and put all the bad stuff behind us. I found out this week that my husband accepted a plea agreement for assaulting us so he is going to prison for 5 years in California. I just wanted to share with everyone that things really are looking up for us and again thank you for your prayers because God is answering them. ((hugs)) sokie

(((sokie))) you just made my day!

Thank you Inhouse ((hugs))! It makes my day when I come home and see all the thoughts and prayers for us. I'm not making it up when I tell you sometimes I'd come home so depressed but seeing that everyone wasn't giving up like me in writting- it sort of helped pull me threw to see hope in writting--do you know what I'm saying? And their were some really scarey days for me. Thanks everyone for pulling for us. sokie

Wow I am so glad I came back to this thread. What a wonderful success story. This is proof that God does answer prayers. sokie; congratulations on moving forward and hopefully you will get to take that loving little bundle of joy home soon. God bless you

Thanks Krummy! I am very excited and have found that I need to have faith and God in my life--more then ever before. I think we must have had a angel watching over us when things went bad because its unbelievable to me sometimes that I walked away from this man. I have alot of plans now for Pamela and me, positive plans I'd like to add. I feel like I got my second chance when they told me her lungs were clearing. From this point on I will do whatever I have to so she is never harmed by anyone again. (hugs) sokie

God bless you and your sweet little baby Pamela. He always takes care of us.((((((HUGS))))))

Pamela was taken out of ICU and they tell me I can bring her home Friday afternoon after I finish the classes on how to take care of her special needs. I am so excited! All test show that she is normal and they say her brain activity is right so I am so relieved. I now get to dress, hold and feed her all the time. I just wanted to tell you all that she IS coming home! (hugs) sokie

Wonderful news!! God bless you both!!

~Sokie~
I just wanted to tell you that I'm so happy for you and Pamela that you may be home on Friday!!
Love and prayers for you both always!
Girl, you're gonna be okay! You'll see. It's hard sometimes with a medically-challenged child, but (from experience) it makes the good times so much sweeter, and more precious and appreciated.
~Karyne~

OK Sokie....you know what that means!!!!! We want photos....lol!!! I know you had other things to worry about and I wasn't sure what they would allow it in ICU but once you get her home it's time for pictures. It's only fair since we have all adopted her....she's got more cyber grandmothers and aunties than any kid I know. I am so excited for you and so glad that this story has a happy ending. Actually, it's a beginning, not an ending because you are just starting on this journey with your little side kick! Thank goodness you got rid of the villain in the very first chapter and now it's all about you and Pamela. You should print this thread and hide it away someplace really safe and give it to her when she has her first baby. It's such a great story of how hard times and struggles can turn to joy and triumph. Your love and faith came shining through even in the hard times. Keep on keeping on Sokie!

Today is the first that I found this thread. Wow. Sokie you have such strength! Stregth I'm sure you didn't even know you had. I may be new to the story, but I'm a cyber auntie too :D I'll keep checking back and keep on keeping on.:thumbsup:

You will see pictures...probably more than you want. (haha) Every day I get a little more excited and I won't even tell you how my mom is... My father held her for the first time last evening--he looked like a big bear with a bottle of hunny. Its their first granchild so they crack me up. But I am truly happy and now that I know Pam is going to be okay we are making arrangements to have my eye socket fixed so I will look normal again. Yahooo! I just want to put it all behind me and try to move on--not that I will ever forget. And I might do as suggested and save this thread for Pamela for when she is grown so she understands just how much everyone wanted her around and the support she recieved from all her cyber-grannies and aunts. And you too Krummy...haha (hugs to you all) sokie

I brought my baby home last night! It was an awsome feeling to hold her and watch the sun come up this morning...our first sunrise together at home.(haha) We just rocked and rocked in that old chair. Anyways I just wanted to share with you that we are both home now so there are 2 survivors you can add to your list. Woohooo cyber grandma's and aunties, we made it home! (hugs) sokie

What wonderful news! Happy, Happy, Happy!! CONGRATULATIONS FROM AUNTIE BONDSAI from Florida!!!!:wave: :yay: :clap: :grouphug: :grouphug: :heart: :love: :) :thumbsup:

((hugs)) Auntie Bondsai!!! Its a wonderful site seeing her sleep her beside me! No nurses! No doctors! No needles! Not taking any more blood! I love being home with my baby!!! sokie

Wahoo!!!!!

Ooops, sorry, I hope I didn't wake her....lol.

It has been so wonderful to read your updates as they happened. You and little Pamela have undoubtably been in the prayers of many, many people that you will never know and many of us are breathing a sigh of relief now that she is home. Keep in mind that posts on PTO stay here forever and you will never know how many people will come through here in the future and read this wonderful story. Any woman who is struggling to leave an abusive relationship, that is lucky enough to find this thread, will surely find strength and hope through your story. Thank you again for having the courage to come here and let us witness this miracle.

Now....where's my PICTURES????

How wonderful!! Hugs to both of you.

~Sokie~
I'm so very happy for you!!! :clap: :yay: :grouphug:
Welcome home to you and baby!
I knew you'd make it through together!
God bless!
~Karyne~
:love:

Wow! I had been reading another thread about you and your baby, but this is the first time I read this thread. you have been through hell and you are a hero for what you have done! Don't EVER let anyone tell you you're not! You and your beautiful baby have all my love and respect. My best wishes to you and pamela and your mom and dad. (that is soooo cute!)

Love,
V

Hey, girl, I'm in this same situation right now. My husband hit me in front of our 6 year old son on Mother's Day and I filed charges and a protective order against him. He is out right now but cannot come within 1000feet of either of us. Of course he did no wrong, he is the wronged one, but he knows that he can't put the blame on me, because I won't let him. He has done this two times before, I tried to make this work, but to no avail. He will tell you that he is sorry, but don't believe him. The more he does it, the worst things will become. A man that hits a woman is no man at all. He's a coward. Get out and stay out. That is what I am doing. There are other good fish in the sea, but for right now be by yourself inorder for you to come to terms with the situation. It hurts to let go of a marriage, but God would want you to be happy and not miserable. That has always been my look on life and more so now, especially for the sake of my son. Let it go, don't let anyone tell you that you are to blame. Walk tall and hold your head up.

Thanks coffeemaker, I am taking yours and everyone else's advise on this site and I just keep trying to move forward. ((hugs)) In the beginning I missed him and it played with my mind that maybe if I had done things different he wouldn't have beat me up but looking back I did try. I changed everything about me twice over and it wasn't ever good enough for him. And if I did everything right then he made up things in his mind to make it okay to hit me. It was a no win situation. My divorce will be final in July...I think we should have a party! (haha) Since he did plead out and admit his guilt to abusing our unborn child and myself I walk away with all assets in California. I will fight him to the end with his own money to strip him of his parental rights over our daughter...that makes her just mine :-) But the downside is it has effected me deep inside and I guess I will never be that little 16 year old girl he romanced a few years back. It has made me a different kind of person and sometimes I catch myself thinking like him...thats scarey. So lets say they are earning their money to try to fix me. ((hugs)) sokie

Hi Sokie I know where you're coming from. I am riding the emotional roller coaster. I can feel myself get a bit stronger each day, but it is going to take awhile. Most people don't understand. They say, "You aren't over him yet?!" Like ok, you've been away from him so get over it! I wish it were that simple. I, like you, questioned myself about, maybe if I did this or that, but believe me, I did everything I could have done. I shouldn't have bothered, it all was a waste of time. I changed everything I could, but he would just look for anything to start over. And yes, I have also changed. Remember Weezer in Steel Magnolias, "I ain't as sweet as I used to be!" That's how I feel! It is good though, because I will never, ever again find myself in that situation! I will never be controlled, used or abused by another man ever again!

Pamela was admitted back into ICU Saturday night because of her lungs. She is back to sleeping long periods and this time they tell me it is effecting her heart. They have her on alot of new machines, ones I have never seen before. She is a fighter for sure but I think she is growing tired. Keep her in your prayers please. sokie

I imagine how worried you must be. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Like you said she's a fighter...a surviver just like her mom!
:grouphug:

Sweetie, my granddaughter was home for about two weeks when she officially "died"! My son had to do CPR on her, and then they rushed her to the hospital. She had to stay for a couple of weeks. Then she came home for the LAST time, and has never gone back. She's 4 now, and I started teaching her to ride a month ago :-].
Don't give up yet!
And go get your eye fixed! It's the last big thing stopping your healing . . .
Hugs all around (Mom and Dad, too)!!!

Hey, girl, I just went back and read this whole thread from the beginning. . . do you realize how short a time you've been here? Two and a half months! All of this has happened in such a short time, and you're much healthier already. You give it a little more time, a year, and you will have so much happiness under your belt, with a baby starting to walk, with your face healed, with so much to be happy for!
Every now and then, I cry for you, because I could not afford to cry for myself when I went through it.
We all learn the same lesson, and some day, you will cry for someone else, if you're lucky, with the joy I feel for you in the safety of your parents' home. When Pammy's better again, all the more to cry with joy about.

(((Sokie))) I'm sorry to hear that things have gotten rocky again. One good thing that I have noticed is that you and the doctors are right on top of things. Your maternal instincts are strong and you have done a great job keeping a watchful eye on her and knowing when to take her back to the hospital. That's a huge blessing that you are able to get her the medical care that she needs. It is just going to take a little longer for her to get strong than you (we) had hoped. Like Nimuay, I have seen the most fragile infants grow to be healthy children. She will make it through this difficult time and grow to be strong and healthy. I know that you are both tired, it's been a long struggle. But hang in there Sokie. You are in our thoughts and prayers. :grouphug:

Sokie I am so sorry that this is happening to you and baby Pamela. We are all praying for you both. God sent her to you for a reason, so I'm sure He will bring her through it and soon she will be back home with you.

I wanted to come here tonight to thank all of you for praying for Pamela and myself. Without all of you I don't think I could have made it the past few months. All of your thoughts and prayers helped us--no one can ever tell me anything different. Pamela fought but her time here on Earth was a struggle from the beginning so God sent his angels for her early this morning. I don't believe she suffered because as her organs shut down she went into a deep sleep until her heart quit. My family and were with her so she wasn't alone. Uh. I don't know that I am okay but they have me drugged so I don't cry as much. I probably won't be back for awhile. I just thought you guys shoud know. I am sorry Pam. sokie

I'm so so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you!!!!

Hugs, honey - whatever you might need, just ask.

I guess I just came back to talk to my friends tonight. Yes I am supose to be asleep, they tell me that what I need to do. I miss Pam more then anyone will ever know. I spent many months carrying her and then a few trying to hold on to her. Its still unreal to me. I am having a hard time letting go and more then a hard time accepting it. They tell me that I hav to give her back in one more day and then move on again with my own life. She was a part of me. I was looking at what I had wrote these past few months and its crazy that our lifes are on this site for whoever to see. You guys shared my misery and my joy, you guys helped me get out when I didn't no what I should do. To some i will look like a loser and to others they will undertand. My God I can't believe I have to bury my baby. I probably won't ever come back here agian becuase I can't handle it. I made alot of friends here and will mis you but I dont want to answer questions or try to make someone else believe that things are going to be ok. I have lost all hope/belief/faith/and a sense of belonging. I pray it doesnt happen to anyone else but I am sure it will. May God bless everyone who stood beside us.sokie

(((Sokie))) It is very hard to respond to you because I would like so badly to find magic words to make you feel better, but I cannot. I can’t begin to imagine how sad you feel and how much you miss Pamela. I’ve read this thread from the beginning many times and wish every time that I could change the ending. But every time I read it I am struck by the genuine out pouring of love that the PTO members demonstrated for you and Pam. In the time that we have known you, you have shown such courage, such heart. Posting your story here was so courageous and you have touched many hearts. I know that other women who have been harmed by domestic violence will come along in the future and learn from your struggle. You were trapped in a very harmful relationship and you had the strength to get out. It is so unfortunate that such physical harm was done before you found your way. No one here will ever judge you or feel negatively towards you, we have cheered you on from the beginning and will continue to do so. You were the victim here and now you are the survivor. Pamela was a blessing in your life and in her short time here on earth, she taught you so much. She taught you the value of love and of life and she helped reunite you with your family. She would want you to continue to grow stronger and to move forward with your life. We all want that for you Sokie. We know it is so hard right now and that you are so heartbroken, it is hard to believe that things will get better, but they will. This is a tragedy that you should not try to walk through on your own. I hope that you will get grief counseling and that you will seek guidance in healing from this. You need to heal physically, emotionally and spiritually. It will not be easy and it will take time, a lot of time and willingness on your part. When you turn the corner and begin to recover, I hope that you will find a way to continue to honor Pamela by helping other women who are in similar situations. Your life has value and you can be a blessing for others. Please know that you matter to us and that you remain in our hearts and in our prayers. Take care Sokie.

To some i will look like a loser and to others they will undertand.

I have lost all hope/belief/faith/and a sense of belonging.

Sokie, Hi. You don't really know me but when I had a problem and put it on PTO, your post in response to me helped me to do the right thing.

I have read your story here and I certainly have never considered you a loser in any way!!! Quite the opposite!! I think your a hero, I mean that.

I can imagine that you do feel a loss of hope/belief/faith right now. I understand that. I hope that these things return to you along with many other good things because I can't think of anyone more deserving of good things in life than you are.

You are in my prayers,

Lisarae

This just makes me feel that anything else is just so unimportant. I am so very sorry.

Man, I am in tears at work for your loss. I cannot imagine how you feel. I am VERY SORRY for your loss. I'm sure she is in a better place now where she can rest & be happy now. I hope you take care of yourself. You are in my prayers.

Sweetie, you know how I feel about all of this - it's devastating. But in another light, Pammy did exactly what she needed to do on this earth - she made you strong enough to leave. She saved your life, and that was enough for her. Now honor that, and make that life she saved one that is really worth living. Belong, laugh, cry, find a way . . . talk to the people at the hospital and find a bereavement group of other moms who have lost their babies, because as alone as you feel, there are others - you will all be there in the sadness and you will carry each other through.

I am at a loss for words.
Im so very sorry for your loss.
Im also happy for your gains. I loved what Nimuay said above about your daughter saving your life. I beleive that is true.
God Bless you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I wish I could make it better someway.

Sweetie, you know how I feel about all of this - it's devastating. But in another light, Pammy did exactly what she needed to do on this earth - she made you strong enough to leave. She saved your life, and that was enough for her. Now honor that, and make that life she saved one that is really worth living. Belong, laugh, cry, find a way . . . talk to the people at the hospital and find a bereavement group of other moms who have lost their babies, because as alone as you feel, there are others - you will all be there in the sadness and you will carry each other through.

AMEN! Sokie...I am so sorry. I cannot imagine what you are going through but if it helps anyone out there, I pray that makes you a tad bit stronger. Sokie...I am praying for you, please hang in there.

~Sokie~
I'm real worried about you too!
If you ever want to talk, PM me your email...I'll send you mines too. We are all worried and care about what you're going through. Don't give up, get weak, or backslide! You come too far, Sweetie!
((((HUGS))))
~Karyne~

I have to admit I come here when I am alone. There are alot of people around me at this time, you know going threw the motions of trying to amke me feel better and believe Pam left because she needed too. Reaching out to me on this site probably effects me more because I see its from the heart. I go to Pam's grave everyday and just sit. The people arond me don't believe this is good for me but...I have recieved many pm's from other mothers who have lost their babies. ((hugs)) to each and everyone of you because I know the pain you hit. They are starting to try to contact me from different groups- domestic violence and mothers who have lost their children. I recieved a letter from Pam's father telling me that I am on my own and to raise her as I see fit. I guess he is out of the loop. I am just kind of emotional, miss her more then anyone knows but I think I will be ok. I just wanted to touch base tonight to tell everyone that I am still here (even with the threat that I was gone) I probably am not right but I am lurking in the shadows and will be back. Love sokie

I read the sad news about Pam on another thread, and of course at times that matter most I have no words. Someone else said it best, I think. It makes everything else seem so unimportant. You are one of the strongest women I have ever met. And I am not that young either. I say this from my heart. you really are, and you may not think so at the moment, but you really are. You are in my thoughts. All my love,
v

Honey, I haven't lost a child, but I listened to my son, on the phone one night, about his little preemie daughter. I heard this stark horror and despair in his voice as he talked about her lying dead in his arms, and how he had to do CPR for her to bring her back. Which, bless them, the hospital had required everyone to learn before they would release her. I knew the colors of my son's voice, but not those colors. I hope never to hear them again. . .
One more hug to you for tonight . . .
Nim

Sokie I was so glad to look on here and see a message from you. I am so glad to hear that you are coping. I am also glad to hear that all those other mothers reached out to you. I do not have children, so I cannot say that i know what this is like for you. I was worried about you and it is a relief to hear you doing as well as you are, and that you have support.
love and hugs,
Lisarae

I guess I am here to vent again. I have been going to grief management among other things. Coming home everyday seeing her belongings is killing me inside so last night I started boxing them up. My mom tried to do it a few days after she was gone but I went nuts so she left me alone to deal with it. You know I don't know what to do with her things? I for sure wouldn't want to give them to another baby because what if it caused something terrible to happen to another family. I can't throw it away because it was Pamela's. I can't look at it because it drives me nuts. This moving on stuff really sucks. sokie

Put them away in a box in a closet so that way they are away but if you feel strong enough or sad or anything you still have them to go threw them. If you are not ready to get rid of them yet dont force yourself. I love my first love (i know its a little different) in Jan of 05 and i have a box of all his stuff in my closet. I also lost my little sister in 97 who was only 3 and my mom kept her bed and all her stuff the same for many many years it wasnt until she felt ready that she put the stuff away and she still has stuff of my sisters.

If you're doing grief counseling, then you know the stages. Just let it be until the letting go stage is bearable.
You won't curse the next baby, you know. Babies die for a lot of reasons, but not one has died of a curse. And someone will be very glad to have things (perhaps the hospital would be a good place to give them to - they know that some mothers have nothing).

Hugs always.

Sokie
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
You are in my thoughts and prayers everyday.
Don't give away Pamela's things just yet. Wait until you are ready.
I agree with Nimuay, when you are ready to pass her things onthey won't carry anything negative to another baby.

I believe they will only carry the love that you feel for your sweet Pamela.

(((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))
When I give away clothes or belongings now I take them to the local women's shelter. I remember when the girls and I stayed there how comforting it was to be able to get clothes and blankets.
I like to think that when I take things to the shelter, I am giving something back.

Thanks for the tips and advise on what to do with her things. I think I am just depressed today. I am in grief counseling and they tell me that there are stages--I just seem to be moving slowly. I have an appointment to start getting my eye fixed on the 10th of July so maybe that will help me :confused: . I cried for the first time in my domestic violence counseling...I'm still not sure if it was anger or letting go alittle. I hate my soon to be ex-husband, flowers were delievered from his family yesterday to show me they understand I lost Pamela...this anger is a bad thing and I have a hard time controlling and venting it right. So do you guys know what that means? More counseling....Thanks for letting me come here. ((hugs)) sokie

Sweet one - who told you anger was bad? Christ himself was sometimes an angry man.
You have every right to be angry. Steaming, boiling, pizza-oven hot! What you don't have is a right to be angry forever. . .or at everyone. At the same time, you have to believe that anger also has stages, just like the grieving. Yours will take quite a while to get through the stages, especially when you throw all the anguish and questions about Pammy into the mix. You may have a year of this turmoil still to go through, so don't be setting time-tables on the "right" feelings to have at any given time. They get mixed, they don't always come exactly the way you think they should, but give it time. Think about how long this relationship took. The healing will be about that long. . . and that still leaves a huge chunk of enjoyable, even lyrically happy life. When you're ready.

My domestic violence counselor tells me that my anger is not good. She tells me I need to quit focusing on the past and try to move on for the sake of myself and others around me. She seems to believe that since I am angry enough not to have contact with Pamela's father that I should keep a small amount of it but I should not change my whole facial expression when his name is mentioned. I don't know. I know that this counseling is supose to help me but I do not want to go back. How can she tell me what I am supose to feel when she hasn't lost what i have. And I don't mean that to sound childish but sometimes books aren't all they tell you they are supose to be. How can we go to page 47 in our textbook and then tell me that "okay sokie today you are going to let go of all those harsh feelings because as long as you have them he still has control of you" it makes no sense to me. Heck Nim you make more sense to me and I have never layed eyes on you. I am not looking for sympathy or someone to tell me I have my thoughts together but I don't like it when this woman looks threw her glasses at me and tells me what the right feelings are and how I need to get there. Maybe I am just being childish or really do have the anger issues she keeps pointing out.((hugs)) sokie

first ((((((((( Hugs)))))))))
if this person makes you feel that way and you dont feel like shes helping are there other counseling opportunties available to you in your area. Maybe you just need to find the right person and the right environment to heal or do what ya need to do for you.... Just my two cents... Either way hang in there and remember were all here for you no matter what....

Hon, ask her why you're supposed to be on THAT timetable. Ask her why you should be over your anger when it's only been 3 months, during which you had and lost a baby, lost your home and your marriage. How does her timetable put that into the equation? Where is individual variation?
Ask for a different counselor - too much book and not enough experience.
Or try meditation. You can even do it yourself. Your face isn't the first thing that reacts - there's somewhere else in your body that does. It might be your left hand, or your gut, or a muscle on the side of your neck. Or anything else. Find that reaction and use it - tense it, relax it. over and over. Then talk with your mom or dad about what's happened to you. Let them know exactly what you're doing and why, so they can stay with you through this. Start. Slowly. Noticing that muscle. Stop. Relax it. Go on. Notice again. Stop. Relax. Tense it deliberately and then relax. Go on. Or find someone who can teach you in person. What it begins to show you is how to get OUT of the anger, rehearsing relaxing, instead of the anger.

Anger is something that you don't deal with on schedule. It's not like "Well, all the ice cream is gone, so I won't eat any more". It's more like "Yes, there's ice cream in the fridge, but I don't need to eat it now."

YOU ABSOLUTELY DID THE RIGHT THING!!! DO NOT DOUBT THAT!!! YOU ARE TOO IMPORTANT TO LET ANY MAN, LET ALONE, A MAN WHO IS SUPPOSED TO LOVE YOU TO LAY HIS DIRTY HANDS ON YOU!! PLEASE CONTACT YOUR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CENTER AND GET COUNSELING!! PLEASE DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM EVER!!! you can PM me anytime you need to talk. I am here for you!!

Since you guys have went threw everything else with me I want to update you. I leave in a few hours so I can check into the hospital by midnight for eye surgery. They are going to rebuild my eye socket and try to fix the nerve damage done when I was beaten. I am excited and a little nervous but hopefully at this time tomorrow I will start to look normal again, they say it could take up too 3 times in surgery to get it right but hopefully I will have about 40% of my sight back. :)
I just wanted to tell you guys because I lurk in here daily and I don't want anyone thinking I went back to my husband or something happened to me. See you guys Thursday or Friday. ((hugs)) sokie

Good luck to you and God bless. You are a survivor not a victim.

Good luck with your surgery! I am sure you will be more beautiful than what you are already...You are still in my prayers as is Pamela... Have a good week.

Your strength in yourself amazes me and good luck to you on your upcoming surgurey. =)

(((sokie))) that is wonderful news. I'm so glad you are getting started on your reconstruction. Even though there may be several steps to the process, and it will take some time, you will feel so much better when it is completed. I really hope that they can get your sight back and that the cosmetic aspect goes well too. Taking care of yourself has an immediate result of raising your self esteem and the process itself will empower you. Removing the physical evidence of the abuse is going to help you heal emotionally as well. Don't be discouraged if the first round isn't perfect, it takes what it takes when it comes to reconstructive surgery. Even in some of your saddest posts I have always felt that you would be OK. You are a strong woman and you are on your way to a new life. Best wishes on your surgery. We will look for you to come back with an update as soon as you are able. (((hugs)))

awww...good luck with your surgery sokie! Im sure a tiny angel with wings will be watching over you throughout the process!

As for the counseling. Been there done that. I also had a counselor that tried to tell me how I should feel. He didnt give me a timetable but just the same unless he has gone through torment and abuse he cant tell you how you should feel. Everyone deals with tragedy in different levels and stages. It was the last time I saw that counselor.

Prayers are with you!

Sokie, everyones grief is different. I too lost a baby, a little girl. If she had lived she would have been 21 this year. I think about her often and still cry for her. The pain is always there but i have learned to deal with it.
I have since had other children and they know about their sister. They believe that she is their angel.
No one can tell you that your anger is wrong. I belive that anger is part of grief. I agree with some of the ladies, box up her things and put them away till you are ready. In time looking at some of her things will bring back good memories and even peace rather than pain. Go at your own pace. Your feelings are you own and only you can determine what is right or wrong. we are all here for you. I keep you in my prayers.

I just made it home, I look pretty bad but we will see when they unwrap me...((hugs)) sokie

Hugs to you!!

I just made it home, I look pretty bad but we will see when they unwrap me...((hugs)) sokie

Looking bad right now is to be expected, it's just part of the process. You are making an investment in your future by going through this now and it will be well worth it. I'm glad that you are home and OK. Just take it easy and be good to yourself. Stay in touch....in case you haven't figured it out....WE CARE...LOL!!!!:grouphug:

I just want to say I think you are brave and courageous and you will be in my prayers that God will continue to bestow favor and mercy in your direction and that He will give you strength to come out of this as strong and beautiful as you were before both inside and out.

Thanks you guys! ((hugs))
I still look bad but they say when the swelling, bruises and cuts heal that I will begin to look normal again :) . I am very excited about having matching cheeks and eye sockets again. Maybe when I start looking better it will come easier for me to look at other people in their eyes. The eye doctor thinks I may have to have a few more surgerys and lazers done but we are very hopeful about regaining more sight. Anyways just checking in with my online family and friends. ((hugs)) sokie

sokiegirl!! You have come a long way sweetie. I am sure you are beautiful, I see it thru your post. You take care of you. I send a big hug to you.

hi sukie ive just joined today and read your story so glad u seem to be on the mend i unfortunately am not i broke a bone in my back escaping my partner who i no i shouldnt but still deeply love i spent 8 days flat on my back in hospital and now wear a back brace for another few weeks i guess ,so am quite house bound im also still in contact with my partner paul his trial date isnt until sept 28th so im just sitting here going kinda stir crazy until i can visit i really dont no what my future holds all i no at this precise moment in time i miss him so much and yes he deserves to be in jail but for months not years but there trying to lock him up for years and am so scared they will i dont no what to do and the dvu have been terrible and totally dont understand me if they stop my visits i would just crumble to pieces , well anyway whats done is done going back to hospital next week so hopefully can tell me whats gonna happen with my back for the future kind regards pies x.:angry:

Girl, you have battered wife syndrome. It's what they call when you're feeling what you feel. You did NOTHING wrong, and there isn't a counselor in the world that will tell you to "work things out", they will tell you that you did the right thing and to stay away and not let his words get to you like that. You loved him enough, now it's time to love yourself. COunseling will be very good for you, it will help you to understand why you stayed in that type of abuse, why we choose those type of men, and why we allow them to choose US! It will help open a new outlook on yourself and you'll start to feel better about you and know that you deserve better because YOU DO! you're going thru mixed emotions right now. If he tries to get you to bail him out or whatever, don't do it!! because later down the road he'll do it again. He'll apologize at first and we fall for it, then he beats us again! It's a neverending game and it doesn't change unless he gets help. Most men don't get help because they're too busy blaming us. Feel free to private message me if you'd like. I totally understand what you're going thru. Altho this year when I put him in I didn't feel like that anymore. I was fed up and disgusted with him and wanted him away from us. I've been beat by most the guys I've been with and I'm not any younger and I just can't take it anymore. enough is enough...God Bles!!

Thanks you guys! ((hugs))
I still look bad but they say when the swelling, bruises and cuts heal that I will begin to look normal again :) . I am very excited about having matching cheeks and eye sockets again. Maybe when I start looking better it will come easier for me to look at other people in their eyes. The eye doctor thinks I may have to have a few more surgerys and lazers done but we are very hopeful about regaining more sight. Anyways just checking in with my online family and friends. ((hugs)) sokie

Hi Sokiegirl.....you don't know me but I would feel honored to be a part of your recovery and support system....I have read all your posts and I am so amazed by your courage....I am so sorry you lost your baby, but I believe as Nim said she served a very important purpose in your life...God Bless you, girl...

The comments you have made about your counselor's are very provocative. Here's what I know about the process your in...it is tremendously difficult. When you talk about a counselor pushing you to move forward...she may be off....but you won't know if you don't assert yourself and check it out with her.....see the lesson....find your voice, don't run away until you have all the information. She maybe trying to help you use your voice to stand up for yourself. You won't know if you don't try...

The other comment about the counselor that used you as an example of what can happen. I can imagine that this was truly a difficult moment. And what came up for you was "shame"....shame says I am bad, I am the problem.....yada, yada, yada....There is no shame for you to own in what happened....Shame on your ex.....he is the bad guy not you....You can learn to hold your head up and feel confident in knowing that....this will take time.....

You are doing everything you need to be doing....getting your eye fixed...that's important and also takes time....facing all these intense feelings is difficult....Sokie....just don't give up five minutes before the miracle....meaning what you can't see (no pun intended...lol) or understand right now will be revealed to you if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other and show up....

Take care Sokie....you are loved and cared about....I haven't even talked to you and I feel that way....and I can see so many others do as well....:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: to you....~Cat

Today my divorce became final. I have to admit to you that my attorney was good and I walked away with everything so I can sell out what we had to pay on Pamela's birth and funeral. Also I went to the doctor and most of my larger bandages were removed. My face is still looking really bad but they say they will teach me to apply makeup to hide the scars and everything should blend with my skin tone within the next few months.
I saw the posts above me and want to tell everyone I appreciate the love and concern everyone shows for me. In a way it makes me sad to see Pamela's and my life in black and white but there are alot of good memories so I am glad I posted. But I also have to be straight up with everyone and admit when I came to this site it was because I thought it had inmates online and I wanted to hear something bad was going to happen to who hurt us. I know it isn't right but thats why I ended up here. I have to believe that God or something was looking out for me that day because without everyone telling me I was going to be okay and to get out I probably would have eventually bailed him out and been stuck in that mess still today. I was alone in California and totally dependent on what he said and did.
And I hear you Cat, maybe down the road I will find my voice but for now I just want to get lost in the croud and be left alone. The counselor called my mother to tell her that she didn't mean to hurt or shame me but that she felt others could learn from my experiences. I don't know what to say or think about it but my mom is on me to attend another meeting. She believes I need to stand up for myself and if I want to tell the counselor to go to hell then thats what I need to do--she believes me saying something is better then me saying nothing at all. Thats her opinion about it anyway.
I don't know but I am sorry that I am rambling. ((hugs)) sokie

Sokie.........you have a very wise mother......congratulations on the beginning of your new life.....(((((hugs))))).....~Cat

Sokie I don't know you and you appear to be so sweet. You hang in there and go to those meetings with your head held high. I think the counsler made a bad judgement call but I don't think she meant any harm. Now that she knows your feelings I am sure she will respect them. However if the meetinsg are too much right now, then give it some time and go when you are ready.

You are an Angel and Allah (God) has great things in store for you.

Sokie congrats on the divorce, that is a big step. I hope that you keep on going forward cause you need to. I'm not sure on what you mom saying part of it make sense about standing up for yourself. I wish you the best.

Sokie: Your Mother is right! Standing up for yourself is the key!! Honey, I am alot older than you are, and I'm just learning that now. Had I cared more about myself and stood up for myself I would not have been stuck in a unhappy 27 year marriage where everything I did was to make him happy! When I finally thought enough of myself to leave, where did I wind up, with an abuser!! Had I fought back and stood my ground I wouldn't have gone through that hell with him either! I'm doing it now though and it feels great! I have learned alot in a short period of time. I have also dated several men and as soon as I see any red flags I'm outta there! Actually, I really don't get that emotionally involved. I'll never again love anyone more than myself. You'll get there , in your own time. In the meantime, listen to your Mom! She can see things clearly and logically without all the emotion, which always clouds our judgement. You will get stronger with each day that goes by. Take care.

I had another eye surgery yesterday and can now see shadows! I am so excited I had to come here and tell all of you. (((hugs))) sokie

sokiegirl, I am excited for you. What a long way you have come. I am so happy for you
. Keep the faith sokie.

Wow, hon! Shadows is a really big improvement! (Are they tacking your retina back down?) And how are the bruises coming? You are absolutely on track to being a healthy person again. That warms my heart.

From what I understand most of my problem is nerve damage to the back of my eye. He is using a laser to remove or burn off the dead or damaged part and reattaches it to nerves that still are workable. I know it sounds crazy but I have very little knowledge of medicals things so he just explains it in terms that I somewhat understand. I am happy to be coming out of the darkness even tho I understand I will never regain all of my eyesight.
The way the other doctors explain it to me is the darker your skin tone the harder it is to stop the scarring so I have alot of really dark patches where the beating was the worst. Sort of like a brusie that will never totally be gone either but I have a matching cheekbone :) . As soon as they are sure my skin has healed inside and out they will begin to show me how to apply a special make up to hide or blend with my skintone so it isn't so noticeable. They tell me that burn victims go threw somewhat what I am so all signs of possible infection have to be gone before we can move forward with the rest of my cosmetic surgery.
I do look really silly walking around the house with sunglasses on day and night but in the end I hope to look and feel normal again--if there is any such thing as that. I have been studying really hard to take my GED test this next week so keep your fingers (toes if you can) crossed for me. I want to start courses at the junior college this fall and try to leave my past alone. I understand I will never be like other 18 year old girls but I plan to throw myself into getting an education and maybe down the line somewhere be able to reach out and help someone else. Anyway thats my dream for now so I am going to try to live it. ((hugs)) sokie

Hi Sokie

You are an inspiration to everyone who thinks that they cant flee their abuser. I am so happy for you that you are rebuilding your life. You give me the strength to realise that if you can do it I can too. I still love my abuser but i know I wont be there when he gets out in November. He will probably find another person to use.

:grouphug: Sokie so happy to hear your progress....:thumbsup: so glad your sight is returning, even if slowly....you are such a courageous girl/woman.....You do inspire many women here....your story helps women to see their own denial....please keep sharing and talking.....I have this feeling that God has a very special plan for you.....I can't believe what you have survived...I am so happy you have plans for your future....God Bless you and keep you... :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: for you....~Cat

Thanks for replying about my news :D . I am excited about trying to look normal again and wanted to tell everyone. I don't know about being an inspiration to anyone but I come here to talk, Well actually to cry and vent too. I am not proud of what was done to me but I feel comfortable talking (typing) here maybe because I have been here since it all went bad and you guys have stuck it out with me and not made me feel like an idiot. I still have really rough days and even tougher nights. Like right now I am up because I thought I heard Pamela cry. Its crazy. For a brief moment I was happy, on my feet and running for her bed. The next I was crying when it settled in it was a dream. I don't know how many other peope know that feeling but its a lost, lonely and sick feeling all over again.
Steffy, you will be okay and probably better off without that guy. I know you will be better off. I don't think our mothers, fathers or even God put us on this Earth for the soul purpose of letting another beat us or make us feel worthless so they can feel better about themselves. Just keep moving forward with the others and me so someday we find out what real happiness and loving someone is about without that other bad stuff. (hugs) sokie
PS: Thanks Cat, I need all the backup and keep moving forward cheers I can get;)

Wow, Sokie you sound like things are really looking up for you and I'm so happy for you. You will pass that test with flying colors. You are surely an inspiration. Keep moving forward the best is yet to come.

Sokie-I'm proud of you. You are doing more at your young age to better yourself from this situation than people much older than you. Myself included in that. I'm honored to have met you.

Sokie

You are truly an inspiration to me. Yes I find myself being drawn back to my abuser. Then i remember what he did to me and what happened to you. then I know HE is def not worth it. Big Hugs to you Sokie, you are such a beautiful woman. You give me that urge to move on with my life. I am still stuck in the trauma of it all.

I still have really rough days and even tougher nights. Like right now I am up because I thought I heard Pamela cry. Its crazy. For a brief moment I was happy, on my feet and running for her bed. The next I was crying when it settled in it was a dream. I don't know how many other peope know that feeling but its a lost, lonely and sick feeling all over again

Hi Sokie....when I read this I felt so sad but yes I do understand it...I wasn't beaten up physically by the man that hurt me.....but psychologically he nearly destroyed me and I go through many nights of nightmares and thinking he's in the room or in my house....It's part of PTSD...it sucks....but it does get better....in time and sometimes needs medication....But my motivation is strong not to let him have that power over me.....I see that in you too....YOU ARE AMAZING:) :) :) ....never let anyone take that from you again......:thumbsup: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: ....luv ya mucho.......~Cat

:D I passed my GED yesterday :thumbsup: ! ((hugs to everyone)) sokie

That is terrific never a doubt in my mind you would do it. This is only one of many wonderful things to come for you.

it is never right for a man to hit you. You did the right thing and i am very proud of you for walking away and pressing charges so many women stick with them. I am proud of you.

They beat you and send you flowers, one day you would be getting flowers at your casket. You did the right thing.

Congratulations....Sokie on getting your GED....you're even more amazing than I thought already.....What a beautiful spirit you have....Bless you girl...~Cat

Sokie --

Congratulations on your GED. One more step forward into a new life for you.

Be proud of yourself -- you've come a long way.

Thanks you guys I am truly proud of myself. I think in the beginning I started studying just to prove him wrong--the things that stick in my mind about him saying I was stupid--so I tried harder but in the end I just tried hard for myself because I really do want a better life.
Tonight was sort of a hard night for me. It was grief counselling night. The people there are nice to me and my mother attends with me sometimes because she is having a hard time too. Anyway they are all nice and they tell me during the talks that I should be grateful and thankful to God that I made it out alive but it doesn't stop me from wanting or missing Pamela. I still visit her grave alot and place fresh flowers because the heat kills them so fast. Even though I know she has moved to another place it upsets me to know that fall and winter will be coming soon and the ground will become cold. I know it doesn't make sense but it stays on my mind alot.
Okay sorry to ramble on, I guess I just came to talk. sokie

Oh, sweetie! You haven't really accepted her death yet, so of course you worry about her being cold. All the echos of her life are still with you, and it's still going to be months before they damp down a little. Don't put yourself on a schedule about your grieving. Don't let anyone else put you on one either. It's your sorrow, and you get to deal with it at your own speed.

Sokie....you are such sweet soul and you so deserve to have a good life...with people that value you and treat you well..And I agree with Nim, honey you are still grieving and it makes complete sense what you are feeling...it takes time..and you take all the time you need to move forward and to heal....I am so glad you are getting some professional help....Glad your feeling better about your surgery too....you are so loved here....luv you....~Cat

CONGRATS on getting your GED!!!!!!!!!!

Sokie congraatulations on your GED. I am so proud of you too what an inspiration you are to all of us. I hope that rubs off on me.

hugs

No one deserves to be hit. I think you did the right thing. I know it must of been hard, but you do not deserve to be hurt in anyway. I commend you for taking this step. I know it must of been the hardest thing you have ever had to do.

Thanks for all the congrats for my GED! (hugs)
I started taking my medicine again so I sleep alot. The doctor says that might happen until I get regulated :confused: . I enrolled at the junior college and begin trying to learn the basics this coming Tuesday, I'm a little excited. My mom says she doesn't want me over-whelmed so its just 3 hours a day but I am getting out of the house:D I am hopeful that there will not be too many stares and I can focus on my studies without 1000 questions...I guess I am paranoid sometimes too..haha. Anyways thanks again and thank you for letting me have a place to share my hopes, thoughts and whats happening in my life. ((hugs)) sokie

Sweetheart, that's a lot of steps toward health! Let your meds have a chance to help you, and don't worry about any stares. If someone wants to know what happened, well that's when you become a teacher, and put the things you know now about abuse out there, because you're in an age group that really doesn't have a clue about it. You will help someone. You may never know who, but you will help.
Many, many hugs.

~Sokie~
:yay: Congratulations on your GED!!! And also for going to school!!!
I'm so happy to hear you're moving along to the next positive step in your life. You will be blessed, Sweetie! I feel good things coming to you at last. Hang in there and stay strong. :grouphug:

Today was one of my first days in the public eye as I went to church. It made me uncomfortable as the children stared, girls my age whispered and some people would not make eye contact with me. Mom made me smile when she told me it was a good thing they didnt see me before surgery or all the isle's would be full of false teeth falling out of their old mouths:p Someday soon I will get to wear makeup and hide these scars. I am looking forward to that day. sokie

Hon, if it had been a car accident that was someone else's fault, you wouldn't feel quite so bad about the scars. Sad, but not guilty. It's time to not feel guilty about the wreck you were in. It was someone else's fault, not yours. And we know who.

Sokie,
I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face as I just read all of your posts. There's a part of me that just wants to fold you in my arms and there's another part of me that wants to stand up and cheer at your accomplishments. I went to an Easter church service a few years ago and the minister was talking about how we can evolve as butterflies do. We can change from a not so attractive chrysalis to a beautiful butterfly and soar. He then handed out little plastic butterflies for all of us to take with us and to carry so we can remember that we all have it in us. I believe we are going to watch you evolve into that butterfly and soar Sokie and if there's anything I can do to help in that process, please let me know.

Okay, but I still need to send you a hug (((Sokie)))

You are an amazing young woman, and I too want to send you a hug honey ((((Sokie))))

((hugs)) back to you ladies! I sure didn't mean to make anyone cry, I do enough for everyone believe me. It true that I do have really hard times sometimes but sometimes I come to this post to bring back memories of Pamela--like holding her our first morning home together--and it helps to see the damage he did to us in black and white when I start feeling weak inside.
This afternoon is my first day back at school and I am nervous because its been a few years since I had to pay attention and take notes :) I'm glad I have all of your support and my parents backing me in everyway possible. I just wanted to share with you that its been along time since I have had anything to look forward to but today I am happy and ready for whatever I may run into. Anyway I think I am...:D ((hugs)) sokie

One happy day! WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWoW!!

Girl, It doesn't matter if you don't take a single note, if you are happy today that is a triumph of you over him, over sorrow, over pain. Your spirit is coming back!!!

Hey Sokie, today is only one of many new beginnings..it warmed my heart to read you were happy and today was a good day..It sure made my day..You go girl!!!!!!

My sister always says it's good to have something to look forward to. Whether it's a trip, a holiday, anything...it does bring some brightness into our days. I hope school went well and you are proud of yourself for your accomplishment. You should be and I know a whole bunch of us are too.

Good for you, honey, I am proud of you!

Yeah yesterday didn't turn out as well as I hoped. I heard alot of hurtful things like I had been hit really hard with an ugly stick and it was a good thing that Jesus loves me because no one else could. I just have to learn to accept that some people aren't nice and maybe they get their laughs from making fun of people like me. I don't know but I won't give up yet, I want an education but need to learn not to carry my heart out in the open. sokie

Ah, Kids! Hurtful little monsters. I can't imagine ever saying such a thing, barely even thinking it. Their parents should have taught them kindness/politeness, but clearly they missed that lesson. So tell them how you earned your scars. And get that education! Don't let anyone get in your way on that!!!

Thanks Nim ((hugs)) that made me feel better to know at least someone understands knows how I feel. Maybe after my education is completed in the years to come I will teach people what domestic violence can cost a person. I guess its self centered but I dwell on the fact I will never be pretty again or fit in. Sometimes the rage in me is bad that my baby was taken and he left me looking like this. I guess I need to grow up. sokie

Sweetie, you said something very interesting, you said "people like you". Baby Girl people like you are brave, strong, courageous and have gone to battle and came out even more beautiful. When you look in the mirror, look pass the physical scars and know that your physical appearance does not matter because we all lose that eventually. But when your beauty is from within, that's what makes you a dime piece as the kids say..lol.. I was always taught that beauty really is more than that outter layer and I teach my children the same, it is the good qualities and compassion that you hold within and I have never seen you, but I feel like I know you after reading all your post and you are truly a remarkable young woman and never let another person tell you any different. Big Hug!!!!!

Hi Sokie and Fam,
Today I came across this thread and read it from the beginning until now and I have to applaud you on the strength that you have within you!!! You have been through so much in such a short period of time and you are holding it together. I must say after reading this whole thread I am proud of you like you were one of my own kids. You have no idea how many women you will save with this thread, don't allow those silly kids at school to get to you because more than likely they are struggling with some issues of their own. Just know that God has a wonderful plan for your life and keep going forward and make Pam proud.

I know it's still very fresh but I would like to suggest to you that you start working on forgiving your ex not for his benefit but for yours. As long as you are angry he still has some control and he does not in ANY way deserve that much. I know it's hard because my ex-fiance raped my 10 yr old daughter and I almost lost my mind before I realized that I had to let go of the anger. I lost everything except my children I was so distraught that I was standing in the isle of the grocery store with my child a few days before the trial and had NO idea where I was. To make a longer story short I had to ask God to help me to forgive him because I couldn't do it alone. I won't lie to you and tell you that it was an instant thing but it wasn't long after he went to jail that I was able to sit down and write a letter and release all of my hurt and anger toward him and the healing began there. Good luck to you.

What type of school are you going to? :thumbsup: (((hugs))) Opal

I can't sleep because I have been asleep all evening--I promise I am still taking my meds:thumbsup:Thanks for talking to me Mahogany and Octobersjewel, (hugs) to you both.
I don't know how to answer to you Mahogany because I do feel hurt that people make fun of people like me and others who aren't pretty or have scars...it makes us different and people can be cruel.
And I guess I understand what you are saying too Octobers because alot of poeple tell me I need to find forgiveness but it just isn't in me. And believe me I have had preachers, counselors and therapist tell me that I need to find a way to find inner peace before it drives me over the edge. I run totally on hate where he is concerned. It probably isn't healthy but for now it keeps me going and gives me a reason to get up every morning even if it is just to show him that he means nothing to me and he can't hurt me anymore. And honestly, not only do I blame and hate him for causing my childs death but can't seem to forgive myself either. So I understand when you and others tell me to find forgiveness but for now I can't.
I am going to the junior college to learn the basics. I had been out of school for 2 years and am trying to catch up to the level of those who actually attend high school and learned without being swept away by love. (haha that made me laugh;) ) I feel like almost everything has been taken from me so I am taking small steps to try to better myself and find my own way. I don't know if that makes sense but thats what I am trying to do. ((hugs)) sokie

Sokie, you do have to handle this in your own time and in your own way and I understand that and the hurtful things that were said to you was mean and uncalled for and holds no merit at all. Hold your head up and be proud because you survived and now your story will save many others who will read these post, but may never respond, but they will get the courage and strength from you to be a survivor. If I were there with you, I would be proud to be seen with you. Keep going to school so you can get that degree. It is so much power in that. He could not destroy you, he could not hold you back and through it all, you still came out looking like gold. You are beautiful and I am going to keep saying it until you believe it.

Trust me I understand where you are coming from about forgiving, it's easy to say when you're not in that position. It didn't come easy for me but when that time comes you will be able to do it. Right now if that is your drive then let it drive you to succeed. I admire you and the way you have taken a negative and turned it around for positive. It took me alot longer to make that transition but it finally happened unfortunately I still struggle with trusting men but I am trying. I will be keeping up with you eventhough I may not post to often.

Keep your head up:thumbsup:

Hey Sokie...I'm sorry it's been a bumpy week. You said something that got me and I'd love to respond to it, if you don't mind. You said you shouldn't wear your heart on your sleeve so much and coming from a person who always wanted thicker skin and to not "care" so much about what others thought, I want to share with you what someone said to me. She said "MountainMom, I would want all my friends to be like you because you are so giving and sensitive". Don't ever wish to harden your soul Sokie, because in the not so distant future, your compassion and giving spirit will take you far. You have been through hell and back again and these horrific experiences and your gentle soul will allow you to help others greatly.

Please don't pressure yourself when it comes to grieving your baby or the horrible beating from the babies father. It will come in time and forgiving him doesn't mean letting him off the hook, what it allows you to do is move on. My father was an alcoholic, cheated on my Mom for years, suffered from depression terribly and finally committed suicide because he was so far in debt and so miserable, he saw no way out. Well, one therapist asked me how I was feeling about him and his selfish actions and frankly, I've never been angry. I don't know why, but I'm not. And it's so much easier to let his actions go and realize that they truly had nothing to do with me and that they were all his responsiblility and problems gone awry. So, in time, try to do it for you because you have the rest of your life to live and you can make the most of it. Don't give him the power to control your future as well. (((HUGS)))

Thanks MountainMom for sharing that with me. I don't really know that I want to harden my soul but maybe just get a little tougher inside so that words can't hurt me anymore. I don't really want sympathy for what happened to my daughter and myself but it takes everything I have no to coward down in a corner when I see people whisper or point in my direction. My counselor tell me that it is the shame and guilt I carry with me. She seems to believe I need to find a way to channel those feeling or I will never get better and I don't want them to make my medicine dose higher. They seem to believe I suffer from PTSD and am paranoid on top of it. So which is it? Is it physical or mentally that I am more messed up? They tell me to forgive...then they tell me to stay angry so I don't want to have contact or another relationship like this last one...they tell me to get out more and make friends...then they tell me to be careful because I will fall into another abusive friendship or relationship...they tell me I need to quit going to my daughter grave...then they tell me I need to find a way to let go because if I can't visit her without breaking down everytime then visiting isn't a good idea. Its like I have all these opinions and voices going off in my head everytime I decide what I am going to do next and sometimes I don't know which way to turn.
Whew I really got off topic there didn't I? I know its not your guys job to try to fix me or make the situation better, I guess I just came to vent. Anyways I just saw where you wrote you would be seen with me Mahogany--that meant the world to me((hugs)) sokie

First of all...vent all you want, we'll listen. And I don't worry about the sympathy part because we are all here for some sort of support. Every one of us is in a situation that we need advice, information or just a friend so we are all equals in many many ways. It sucks you are getting mixed messages because I'm sure you are confused enough as it is. Hang in there at school and I hope you have fun learning all sorts of new things.

Sokie - how about YOU charting what would feel like healthy to you, for the next week, and for the next month, and 3 months, and 6 months. Write it down.

Like, for this week, I'm only going to cry 20 minutes. Period. My promise to myself. Maybe next week I'll cry for 8 hours, but this week, it's 20 minutes.

In a month, I want to be able to say that I've held a conversation with one of the new people at school. I'll invite someone out for a Coke and fries and sit down and talk about a class. If I have to ask 20 people until I find one who'll do it, then I'll ask 20 people.

In 3 months, I want to . . .

or make it shorter or longer times, but plan what you see as health.

That way YOU get some input. You can talk with your counselor about actually naming the things that are healthy and working toward them.

And don't forget - you have had to be so careful with your emotions for so long that all the stuff was just held in tight, and now you're dealing with being a teenager and a bereaved mother and a divorced woman all at the same time. Most of us are missing one at least of those factors and still had a lot of trouble getting balanced again.

Yeah I don't know I think I am losing it.
Yesterday I was in line for a drink but when I went to pay this guy grabbed me by my arms and told me I wasn't because he was. I totally lost it being grabbed and feeling restrained. The college security walked me to the office and my mom had to pick me up. I totally went into a panic and was trying to fight for my life...again. I am ashamed at the way I acted but became really afraid even if it was just a game he was trying to play with me. I truly must be crazy and they are talking about raising my meds :(

Ohhhhhhhhh Sokie it breaks my heart to hear of your experience today....sweetie....you have been through a war.....and you have the wounds and scars on the outside and inside to prove it....but you have survived....and somedays things are going to trigger you and you are going to feel that you are right back in their fighting literaly for your life...

It is OK.....guys coming home from war go through it....guys getting out of prison go through it....and women who have been raped, beaten, and terrorized go through it too...children too that have been abused....but Sokie you have proved that you are an exceptional person already...you keep moving forward....in everything you do....I am so amazed by you....Don't let this take away what you have persevered through....

Also, just a comment on forgiving your abuser....I have one too....he didn't scar my body....but my soul, my heart, my trust, my life has been majorly altered after years of his cruelties....Can I forgive him completely?....Honestly, no.....Am I working on it and do I see the need for the inner freedom from him, yes....but it is a process and you and I will get there in our own time, our own way and it is okay....

Please Sokie know how much you are loved here on PTO, maybe it isn't the same as being able to hang out on your bed with you and talk for hours....but you are loved and cared about....very much....please hang in there....one day at a time, honey someone told this one time and I try to remember it....they said, "you only have to do a bad day one day at a time." It helped me break it down into something I could handle...Tomorrow is a new day, start over then....luv you, (((((((((hugs))))))))))) to you........I'm up late so pm me if you want to...~Cat

Hon, I had a boyfriend, way back, who was a Viet Nam vet. I would wake up at night because he'd just rolled out of bed and was pissing against the wall - that was the way he did it in 'Nam and that's where his training and dreams were still. That's the way PTSD works. It took him about 3 years to really get beyond it. And it takes learning to trust again - not a quick process.

But think about the impropriety of this man putting his hands on you - that is also wrong. Nothing about the situation sounds like he was right to do that, and we are always highly aware of our physical situation when we've been attacked before. He needs some training, too!

They increased my meds today so if my post comes off really dopey sounding please forgive me.
I have alot of feelings for the people on this site too...you guys are my friends that I talk to like I do no others, even though I understand alot of eyes see it, I also understand I am faceless so it is very easy to me. I have alot of people talking to me threw counseling and therapy but it just isn't the same.
We decided that I should take this week off from school and maybe try to keep up with my work from home so I don't feel so miserable in public for now.
And I have tried in my heart to try to forgive but I can't even think about it without becoming angry or sobbing. I know the hate I feel is not right but its there and I can't get it out. So for now I am going to put what everything one else feels I need to do on the back burner and try to figure out how to deal with just trying to be normal and not losing it or going into a panic when I think I am not in control of the situation surrounding me. Sometimes I think I am taking 3 steps forward and about 5 back. sokie

Hi Sokie.....you are wise to take a break when you need to and studying from home is a great option for you....I know you are suffering and trying to find some peace and just feel safe....Honey, I am not brave enough to tell you the details of my abuse or all what happened to me.....yet....but I know how you feel....I crawled into a shell that I am slowly working my way out of....but you are taking so much direction and even though you are scared and all you show up anyway....I am so amazed by you...you are my hero....please know how much you help others....and I will speak for myself, I am here to give and have much to give, so please feel free to pm me or just know I am here for you.....~Cat

Sokie, we really appreciate you and many of us will never understand what you have been through, but we can be here for you. It's going to take awhile and the fact that you are going to school, working on yourself and going through everything is to be comended. As you know, it's not going to get better over night, but with work, it will get easier. Just as recovering alcoholics in AA say, "One Day at a Time" or as a person who constantly says that she needs to lose weight "tomorrow is a new day". Hugs to you Sokie.

I am sorry that you are going thrue this...(my english is not that well) i was in an abusive relationship for seven years!! My(NONNA) grandmother help me get out of it!! She gave me great advice and i followed it after 7 long horrible years! She use to say...YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU...that is so true!! I left him and it was not easy!! Tranquility has not price tag!! When I left him....i felt freedom and tranquility!! Noone is worth your tears your pain...remember that God has a better plan for you...Stay strong stay focus because is not always going to be like this...IT WILL GET MUCH BETTER!!

Tonight is my first night here. My husband was arrested yesterday for domestic violence against me. I suppose all the stories are the same so I won't go into detail accept to say that I was beaten bad and I filed charges against him- not the state. Maybe some women will find it wrong as he tells me they will, I don't know. I don't know if i did not love him enough or what I did wrong to make him break like he has but I have paid the price and he will pay for what he did to me. Maybe I am looking for someone to tell me that filing, taking the pictures, making the statement against him was the right thing to do- I don't know what I am looking for. The anger inside me is deep and it gets worst everytime I look in the mirror. I'm just really sad. My neighbor tells me I need counseling- I don't see it happening-what if they tell me I need to try to work things out with him? I think I came here for advise.

Thanks ladies. (hugs) I think I am doing better. I have calmed down alot and my mind is no longer racing all the time...not meaning that I am crazy but just always thinking ;) . I think I will be okay in time and things will get better. (hugs) sokie

My domestic violence counselor tells me that my anger is not good. She tells me I need to quit focusing on the past and try to move on for the sake of myself and others around me. She seems to believe that since I am angry enough not to have contact with Pamela's father that I should keep a small amount of it but I should not change my whole facial expression when his name is mentioned. I don't know. I know that this counseling is supose to help me but I do not want to go back. How can she tell me what I am supose to feel when she hasn't lost what i have. And I don't mean that to sound childish but sometimes books aren't all they tell you they are supose to be. How can we go to page 47 in our textbook and then tell me that "okay sokie today you are going to let go of all those harsh feelings because as long as you have them he still has control of you" it makes no sense to me. Heck Nim you make more sense to me and I have never layed eyes on you. I am not looking for sympathy or someone to tell me I have my thoughts together but I don't like it when this woman looks threw her glasses at me and tells me what the right feelings are and how I need to get there. Maybe I am just being childish or really do have the anger issues she keeps pointing out.((hugs)) sokie

I know your posting is old, but I had to say something. Hun, you don't have to apologize for being upset. I too have been there. I still feel rage in my chest when I think of it. It is hard to let go of, but it is possible. It is strange that I read your post today, as in church this morning, the pastor was speaking about letting go of anger and grudges (I am not saying you have a grudge, don't misunderstand me pleeeeez). The point was that when we allow ourselves to be mad at someone it causes us to be what he called, attached to that person at the hip. This person is going on with their lives, happy. Not thinking of us and we get mad when we think of them. He said it is like they have a hold on us.

Sokie, I grew up on a severely bad D.V. home for 12 years. We ran from this man over and over and over. I transferred schools over and over and over. I watched him beat my mom, beat me and then my first serious relationship as an adult turned into D.V. too.

If I told you my whole story it would probably shut down this site due to its length. LOL. Sokie stay strong, heck I know you are a strong person just by going through what you went through. That takes strength.

If anyone ever feels as if they want to PM me because they need an ear feel free.

I know your posting is old, but I had to say something. Hun, you don't have to apologize for being upset. I too have been there. I still feel rage in my chest when I think of it. It is hard to let go of, but it is possible. It is strange that I read your post today, as in church this morning, the pastor was speaking about letting go of anger and grudges (I am not saying you have a grudge, don't misunderstand me pleeeeez). The point was that when we allow ourselves to be mad at someone it causes us to be what he called, attached to that person at the hip. This person is going on with their lives, happy. Not thinking of us and we get mad when we think of them. He said it is like they have a hold on us.

Sokie, I grew up on a severely bad D.V. home for 12 years. We ran from this man over and over and over. I transferred schools over and over and over. I watched him beat my mom, beat me and then my first serious relationship as an adult turned into D.V. too.

If I told you my whole story it would probably shut down this site due to its length. LOL. Sokie stay strong, heck I know you are a strong person just by going through what you went through. That takes strength.

If anyone ever feels as if they want to PM me because they need an ear feel free.
Yep I understand what you are saying and I hear that alot....
I am thinking that maybe I am not as good of a Christian as other people because I cannot find it in my heart or soul to let go of the hate I feel for this man.
I don't really think I am attached to him in any way, shape or form anymore other then when I look in the mirror and see the scars or visit my baby's grave. Maybe in time I can look at him and smile without hate or wishing he was the one who died but for now I do not have it in me. God bless each and everyone of you who have found the power and the strength to forgive and forget. sokie

:D I passed my GED yesterday :thumbsup: ! ((hugs to everyone)) sokie

I know this is late but WTG girl!:thumbsup: :dance: :yay: :bow: :clap: :hifive: :grouphug: :rock:

LOL, I love it when women overcome challenges in life. Your life story is an inspiration and testimony for others Sokie! Yay for you girl!

I really feel that great things are coming your way. Keep up the tenacity!

Yeah I don't know I think I am losing it.
Yesterday I was in line for a drink but when I went to pay this guy grabbed me by my arms and told me I wasn't because he was. I totally lost it being grabbed and feeling restrained. The college security walked me to the office and my mom had to pick me up. I totally went into a panic and was trying to fight for my life...again. I am ashamed at the way I acted but became really afraid even if it was just a game he was trying to play with me. I truly must be crazy and they are talking about raising my meds :(

First off that clown had no reason to put his hands on you. Second of all it is going to take quite a while for you to recover from all that you have been through. All the things that you cannot even remember. You will be fine. You have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing at all.

Saying a prayer for you before I go to sleep this morning (tonight...insomnia lately)

They increased my meds today so if my post comes off really dopey sounding please forgive me.
I have alot of feelings for the people on this site too...you guys are my friends that I talk to like I do no others, even though I understand alot of eyes see it, I also understand I am faceless so it is very easy to me. I have alot of people talking to me threw counseling and therapy but it just isn't the same.
We decided that I should take this week off from school and maybe try to keep up with my work from home so I don't feel so miserable in public for now.
And I have tried in my heart to try to forgive but I can't even think about it without becoming angry or sobbing. I know the hate I feel is not right but its there and I can't get it out. So for now I am going to put what everything one else feels I need to do on the back burner and try to figure out how to deal with just trying to be normal and not losing it or going into a panic when I think I am not in control of the situation surrounding me. Sometimes I think I am taking 3 steps forward and about 5 back. sokie

A break sounds great. Just make sure you keep your professors abreast as to what is going on. They will listen to you and work with you. I have been taking college courses what seems like forever. Finishing third degree (Masters) now. They will work with you. You are a fighter and you will finish this semester with no problem. I believe in you.

Well I went back to school and I explained to this guy why I acted so ...odd. :confused: I know he has little understanding but he continue's to talk to me and we have a few laughs together from time to time. Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know that I am still taking my meds, attending the junior college and I haven't given up yet :thumbsup: ((hugs)) sokie

That's good news Sokie. Just take it one step at a time and revel in the good times. We are all here for you and we're all proud of your accomplishments.

Atta girl! You're confronting your fears and educating others at the same time, and you're getting back into the part of the world you're supposed to be in - school, other kids, a few laughs. Do you remember when you thought you'd never laugh again?

Sokiegirl,
Congratulations on another step forward. You are an inspiration.

You rock, Sockie. I log on to the site every single day, specifically to check on you. You're amazing, and I believe a good life is in store for you. Everything you're doing is right. Education is the key (I know from first-hand experience).

Good luck, and keep up the good work!

Ms. Sokie,

See how many people you are touching in this world. I told ya girl, you are a blessing to us all! Your story and efforts will go on to touch so many people's lives and possibly save someone's life one day, whether it is revealed to you or not. I admire your humility, your strength, and your tenacity. Keep it up Ms. Sokiegirl there are nothing but great things in store for you.:grouphug: You are a success story!

Sokie.....Me tooo......I check to see how you are doing...you are so amazing......just think how much progress you've made to be able to tell this guy why you reacted so....and now you guys are having a few laughs...wonderful, encouraging, inspiring are the words that describe you.....So many women will be helped by your courage to share your journey...You are in my prayers....Much luv to you...~Cat

Did you guys know that it helps me more than any therapist for you guys to talk to me? I know this isn't therapy, I know I don't have a doctor telling me if my thoughts and feeling are rational but it just helps me that I have people reaching out to me that don't believe I am crazy or telling me in their own little way that my choices weren't the smartest or the best. I fight depression alot (probably more than alot of people understand ;) ) but I alway come to this site to see if someone else is or has faced something in their life like I am and I don't feel so alone. I just wanted to thank all of you for that because you are my life line - sometimes when you don't even realize it ;) - but I have faith that things are going to get better and am positive if I start to go off track that someone will stand up to tell me. I love my family here at PTO. (hugs) sokie

PS: Nim, no I never thought I'd smile so laughing is way off track for me;)

My parents didn't show me until today but I recieved a visiting application from another cellmate asking me to fill it out so I can visit my ex-husband. I just want to be left alone. I don't want cards, letters or even visits. Is there a way to shut off all contact threw him or anyone else? It just sends me spinning when I think about him and my situation--such hate I can't even find the words.

How about contacting the warden who can then let the mail room know? Do you have a restraining order on him? Does that happen or can that happen when they are in jail? I'm so sorry, you must feel like you just got pushed off your center and are trying to find solid ground again. God that sucks. Just remember it will all come back together again and you will keep moving forward.

Absolutely, in writing, contact the warden and ask for "no communication" from that entire prison. If he is subject to a restraining order, then send copies of his cellie's letter, the application and the RO to the warden . . . he is not permitted to try to contact you through a third party.

What an awful thing for him to do!

Yes Sokie....if you have restraining order, send or fax copies with the letter to the Warden....or have your Mom if this is too much for you...If you don't have a restraining order, I know here in Cali he can be served with one in prison....so sorry sweetie...what a creep to do that to you...I will pray that he will be sooooo gone from your life....blessings to you..~Cat

Thank you, I was not sure since the other guy wrote in his letter that they let the 2 people have contact while one of them is in prison. I do not want to see him, talk to him or try to work anything out with him. I will write the warden and mail him this letter and visiting application so maybe he understands I want nothing to do with this situation. It just makes me feel sick inside...again. sokie

Hon, they often DON'T let two people have contact if one of them is the victim! This whole thing is manipulation, one more instance of him not being able to hear "NO", and assuming the rules don't apply to him.

nimuay is right sokie and the sooner you write those letters and get them off, the sooner you can move on. You are stronger than he is and you need to show him you are no longer afraid. We are here for you when you need us, okay?

Thanks ladies. I got those things mailed off this morning and requested that I have no contact from anyone in the prison. This should make him really angry so I will wait to see what his next move is. sokie

Hey Sokie, this is a little off-topic, but I thought of something today that you might enjoy.

Call me crazy, but what would you think about taking a martial arts class? I've tried out a few different things, and I always really enjoyed them (I'm a petite white female, so don't think these things are only for the boys). I particularly liked hitting and kicking focus pads. It was great when I was feeling angry. Also, exercise gets your endorphins up, which helps with depression.

If you're not totally turned off by the idea, I would suggest that you look for a form that focuses on physical training and drills with a few forms and maybe a little meditation thrown in. Maybe something like shaolin kung fu (the style that the monks in the orange robes practice). You probably would want to stay away from forms that focus a lot on sparring (like tai boxing and some karate and tai kwondo classes) cause you wouldn't like someone acting like they were going to hit you.

On the other hand, if you really want to start working on feeling empowered, Krav Maga (the Israli form that Jennifer Lopez did in "Enough" and Matt Damon borrows from in the Jason Bourne movies) is good for women's self defense because it uses joint locks and teaches you how to use the other person's momentum against them.

Matial arts training can really help you feel more centered and help you take back your power. And, if you find that you like it and come to trust an instructor, you might be able to work up to sparring, which, theoretically, could help you work through the post-traumatic-stress-like symptoms you've been having (but that would be a ways in the future).

Anyway, it would be something totally new, something that he has nothing to do with, and something that could focus your attention and build up your self esteem for a few hours every week.

PM me if you think you might want to look into it and you want to hear more about different styles. My husband has more experience than I do, and he could probably help us think of a good style if you wanted to give it a shot.

And, if not now, maybe someday in the future....

I appreciate your idea Lurker but I can't afford to take a hit or a fall to my face. It cost my parents alot of money to get me where I am today and I still don't look normal yet.
I believe I will probably just disappear into a croud about the time he is released. That way there will be no more pain for my family and he won't be able to find me, if he hasn't found someone else to terrorize by then. However, I am interested in guns. I believe I could use one without second guessing myself. sokie

That's totally understandable. Good luck (you sure have a lot of people rooting for you).

P.S. There's no such thing as a normal appearance. We're all different. You're beautiful, whether you feel it or not.

Thanks for reminding me that I have alot of people here cheering me on. I try not to be vain about my appearance or dwell that I now look different but its a fact in my life. When you lose sight your eye tends to droop and the eye color goes lighter then the other eye. You can't hide it unless you wear sunglasses day and night. The scars on my face are deep and discolored, darker then my skin tone and really stand out. I think in time I will add my picture to my avatar so- maybe if nothing else -someone else will run before letting a man do this to them. sokie

Sokie.........just reading these last posts and could feel how frightened you are of your abuser....And of course you have every right tooo....He is a bad guy....Are you working with his parole officer about what his conditions are, i.e. no contact order....Have your parents secured their home so you feel safe....you have come so far and yes his release will be challenging for you to handle...but you can't just fade into the crowd...tho I am sure that would feel good....

And your idea about posting your pic so other women can understand the extent to which they could be hurt is an excellent idea...you are truly loved and cared about.....hope you have a good weekend...~Cat

Babe, we don't care if you're blind, crippled or crazy, much less that you have some scars - we just love you for your spirit. The scars will fade more, though they may never completely disappear. But your spirit is growing, and it's beginning to shine. We all see it. So you start really believing us, OK?

you did the absolute right thing. I am proud of you, it's not easy, I remember all to well that call to have my ex-husband arrrested. He beat me for 18 years, and it took me so long (too long) to get strong and get out. You have done nothing wrong abusers abuse for their own reasons. One day he will need to own what is his, but he may never. Mine never has. Stay strong and keep moving forward... life will get easier and you will see, but you must keep doing the right thing. Save it all, dont let fear drive your life any longer...

Be careful and stay strong

His family called my mom raising hell this morning because he has had his visiting, writting and phonecalls stopped for 90 days because of contacting me. I just really hate those people. I am truly thankful that I am a thousand miles away from them and their drama. sokie

I'm glad your mom is there to shield you. I hope your parents have caller ID, so they can ignore the phone calls. Also, isn't there something called call blocker that can block phone calls? I wonder if it can block an entire area code, cause that would be awesome.

The feelings of him, and his family, are irrelevant. The sooner they all realize that, the better. You just keep doing the excellent work you're doing.:D

Hi Sokie........well it looks the apple didn't fall from the tree, huh?.....those parent's of his ought to be ashamed of themselves....but of course they aren't.....I know it probably feels like you just can't get rid of this man....but you will....keep doing all the things just as you have been....he will lose interest, when he realizes he no longer has any control over you and move on to his next victim.......Don't even let him make you sweat...keep telling yourself what a good person you are and the days of him and men like him are so over...you are moving forward....I know God has a special plan for your life....keep your head up always....luv to you...~Cat

Unfortunately, you can't block an area code, but if you wish, you may be able to get a restraining order on his family. It might be worth the trouble. check with your agency - they might have a clue about doing that interstate.

Hugs, hon.
Meantime, it should give you just a little smirk (we all have this evil little being inside us) that he has to pay for his latest harassment!

The phone calls went on all day and most of the night. I believe they must all be drinking to talk in such a manner but my parents began recording them and have called the police department and phone company. I have a no contact order against him so maybe they can do something since it says that no one can bother me on his behalf. I just want to be left alone, the calls make me physically ill and the things they say hurt so badly. I know it is not right to hate and I know I am suppose to forgive all who trespass against me but these people make it double hard and I can't see it happening.
And yes Nim I did smile when I heard he was shut off from the world. :) There was a time when I wouldn't even dream of fighting back but those days are long behind me. I know I cannot beat him in a physical fight but l plan to learn everything I can to fight him legally and without remorse in the legal system. :D ((hugs)) sokie

You did the right thing. Once it happens it does not stop. God did not intend for women to be beat on. Remember one thing, it has nothing to do with what you did. I left my ex husband with broken ribs and bruised and black eyed. it lowers your self esteem. Just keep you head held high and remember you do not have to go through this. My ex husbands girlfriend calls me the girl that got away. Good luck.

There was a time when I wouldn't even dream of fighting back but those days are long behind me. I know I cannot beat him in a physical fight but l plan to learn everything I can to fight him legally and without remorse in the legal system. :D ((hugs)) sokie

You go girl, keep it up. He's still suffering from delusions of significance.

He's nothing but a mosquito, buzzing around and trying to get your attention. OK, so maybe that mosquito is carrying maleria, and you have to protect yourself from him. But that doesn't change the fact that he's nothing but a whiny, ugly, pointless, insignificant, little bug. And we all know what happens to bugs -- SPLAT! :D

Oh, I forgot to add parasitic. Make that whiny, ugly, pointless, insignificant, parastic little bug.
:blah:

Thanks for making be giggle Lurker *splat* :D
I want an education and I want to be left alone by all his family and him. I can't ever change what happened or bring back my daughter but I can stop it from happenig it to me again and maybe someone else down the road.
I know I didn't have Pamela for long but I miss her today just as much as I did the day I buried her. The cool winds are starting to blow here and I know fall is upon us so the holidays will be hard for me this year. I will probably drive everyone nuts posting. sorry
Anyway I have my last eye surgery this coming Friday so my sight will be the best its going to get...keep you fingers crossed for me that I make that full 40% :thumbsup: Whew, its crazy looking back at all my post. You guys have been threw alot with me and if I haven't told you before I'd like to tell you now that I appreciate all the love, support and backing I find in this little part of the computer. ((hugs)) everyone. sokie

Hi Sokie,

I never read a thread that has put me to tears as much as this one has.:cry: You and your baby angel Pam are STRONG. Pam is still alive watching over you in spirt. In fact, I let 2 candles (one for each of you).
This site is the world's best support group and better therapy than any in-person or paid doctor could give. I feel you can be a great leader one day; a role model from what you've been through. Keep up on the schooling. You are BEAUTIFUL and let NO ONE tell you otherwise! "One Day at a Time" they say and it DOES work. True souls and hearts see past the outside package.
Personally, I'd like to see this a**w*** go down the toilet for what he's done to you and - if you can - file charges on his family for harassing you. Maybe HE can get into additional trouble on the inside because of his screwed up family. Personally, I'd hold off on getting a gun but when you get physically stronger, I would look into a self defense class, as mentioned in an earlier post here. I'll keep you in my thoughts and will check here to make sure you are ok. A BIG HUG TO YOU!:grouphug:

Hi Sokie...just checking in with you....first best wishes and prayers for you on Friday....I truly hope your sight is restored.....that would be a gift...

About that whiny, ugly, pointless, insignificant, parastic little bug.
:blah: I am sooooo angry with his family......what kind of parents act like that....it's shameful....but yes, definately inforce the current order of protection and if you can get another one on them specifically, DO IT....Like Nim....I kinda get a little pleasure out of the thought of his whole family being in jail at the same time.....

I know the winter will be hard for you and I am so sad thinking what it must like for you...but sweetie we/me are here for you and we will get through this together.....much luv to you.....~Cat

Sokie, I haven't been here in awhile. Thank goodness you have your parents to help you fight back and protect you. It is just nuts the way they are acting...cat is right, the apple sure doesn't fall far. Just remember Karma, it will bite them in the a**, now and later, because their actions are frankly sick. Just try to keep plugging through and you will come out in a pool of sunshine.

It's Saturday morning, so does that mean you had your surgery yesterday? I hope it went well and you recover quickly.

I was going to wait a few days to post but decided to just tell you guys too. My eye surgery was done yesterday and I got home this morning. They estimate that I have regained 34%of my sight in that eye and thats the best it will get. I won't lie and say that I am not depressed because I am but I am thankful for what I have got back and will adjust to knowing it won't get any better. But I do want to share with you guys that I have found much kindness in this world since I was hurt. I found you guys and I found the doctors who restore my face free of charge accept for the the cost of supplies and the operating room. In the beginning they charge (my parents) me but be it out of pity, sympathy or maybe even tax purposes these people are very good to me.
If I could talk to anyone in this world being abused my first message to them would be to get out. I know there are alot of women (maybe men) who believe something like this can never happen to them but it can whether they want to face it or not. The hits become harder, the damage inside and out won't go away sometimes and in the end you will be alone one way or another.
Okay I didn't mean to sound so depressing. I'll catch you guys in a few days. ((hugs)) sokie

Hi Sokie.....thanks for the update on your eye surgery....sorry you didn't get the 40% you were hoping for...but you are very close....can glasses or contacts correct your vision sufficiently....Hey I have worn glasses since 3rd grade....and today they have some very sexy and stylish glasses...and many people wear contacts....I have them but they just bother me too much....Keep your head up........sweetie....

You know Sokie the more I read your posts I realize what an intelligent young woman you are.....and how much stronger you sound all the time...hope you have a peaceful weekend...~Cat

Thanks for the update Sokie. I'm so glad you are doing okay and you really are so close. You aren't depressing, you are human. Just take care of yourself, keep putting one foot in front of the other and know that you have already touched many people in a positive way, you just may not know it yet. Get some rest and we are here because we LIKE YOU and I'm sure it's very much the same with the Doctors.

Well, you've achieved 85% of your best-case scenario. That's not too bad. And medicine is advancing all the time, so you might be able to address this again in the future. In the meantime, keep doing what you're doing, cause you're doing great. Keep up the good work with school, keep working in your therapy, and keep taking in your life with your intelligent, compassionate, indomitable spirit.

P.S. I'm going out of the country for a week, and I was worried that I'd have to leave without knowing what happened yesterday. So thank you for taking the time to post. :thumbsup:

SPLAT that bug!!!!

You are a darling girl...and you've got so many people who have found a place in their hearts for you - therapists, doctors, nurses, PTO - who know that's who you really are.

Every one of us is damaged, girlfriend. Guaranteed. Different origins, different reasons, different wounds, but we are damaged just by virtue of living. We get through, with our gimpy souls, our dimmed spirits, and the wonderful thing is that we manage to love anyway. We get to glow with happiness over puppies and colts and the first spring flowers, and perfect days with blue skies and warm winds. And we love each other as best we can. You loved a little piece of me when I could help you go home again. You've loved a little piece of Mountain Mom and lurker and lovin and cat and a fair number of ladies here. There will be more, they will be scattered through your life like little tiny sparkly gems. If you look.

You are a darling girl...and you've got so many people who have found a place in their hearts for you - therapists, doctors, nurses, PTO - who know that's who you really are.

Every one of us is damaged, girlfriend. Guaranteed. Different origins, different reasons, different wounds, but we are damaged just by virtue of living. We get through, with our gimpy souls, our dimmed spirits, and the wonderful thing is that we manage to love anyway. We get to glow with happiness over puppies and colts and the first spring flowers, and perfect days with blue skies and warm winds. And we love each other as best we can. You loved a little piece of me when I could help you go home again. You've loved a little piece of Mountain Mom and lurker and lovin and cat and a fair number of ladies here. There will be more, they will be scattered through your life like little tiny sparkly gems. If you look.

Nim- that's a beautiful post and oh so true. We all have something in our lives that makes us struggle and many times it's many things. Life isn't supposed to be easy and we can grow the most from our biggest pain, if we let it happen. Don't expect it to happen overnight, it will come and it is. You and we have seen your growth over time and it will continue to happen. Yes, there may be times that things throw you off your axsis, but this will also give you strength because you will bounce back, again and again.

My Mom died of breast cancer when I was 16 and honestly, I still miss her. I miss her as a person, but I miss what she represents more than anything. It feels like something was taken from me that everyone else has and there are times I just would like a mother to talk to. Well, I'm 38 yrs old and I find what I can to fill that void. My older sister has done that for me more than anything, but I turn to friends and I look to a story that my godmother shared with me. I've posted this a few times on PTO as it gives me great comfort and perhaps one day it will for you too. Mom loved cardinals (the shy red bird) and the morning after she died we had 14 of them at our birdfeeders- unheard of. I was about 25 when I first heard that story and once I looked back and look at the world around me, I always have a cardinal around my home. This year there were two pairs and I think of Mom each time I see them. It feels she is near and I am comforted.

That is just one of my many stories that makes me who I am. She was wonderfully compassionate, caring and would give to others before she took for herself. I'm sure I have re-worked some memories of her to fit in my mind the way I'd like them to, but it is what it is. Sokie, your life is being molded and changed everyday and you are chosing to make the most of it. I know this definately isn't what you would have ever expected or chosen for yourself, but this is what you've got to work with. You are heading in the right direction and each day you are becoming the woman you are meant to be. We will be here for you to hold your hand, cheer when you need it and be an ear or a shoulder to vent or cry. And as Nim said, you will find many others in your life who are and will be there to help, support or just be a part of your journey.

I wanted to share something with you...again (lol- you poor thing, I keep needing to share). Anyway, I get a daily email from the Hazelden series that I print out and send to my friend. I originally signed up for this because I know he could use the words of wisdom and I figure the more he is showered with all of this info, the better off he'll be. At least it can't hurt, right? Well, I started really reading these posts and many of them are very pertinent to me and my life. I just came across this one and it made me think of you. I hope you like it.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Some of us have an insatiable desire to do something about every situation that occurs in our lives. We fret about this, we rush into that, and we push our confused minds to the edge of despair. Weary from our relentless struggling, we become short-tempered, highly critical, and completely irrational. Little things become big things. Everything in our lives becomes too much for us.

When this happens, we need to ‘Let Go," of our false pride, and admit that we alone cannot understand or solve our present difficulties. Only when we have the humility to admit our limitations can we receive the help we need.

Letting go of our false pride, however, is merely the first step. We also need to "Let God" take a hand in our affairs. When we give our burdens to God expecting God's help our problems often solve themselves without our ever making any conscious effort. Leaving our troubles with God frees our minds to receive new perspectives which we could not receive while we were busily clutching our sorrows and frustrations to us.

Today, I will ask for God's guidance and help in every area of my life. I will not try to solve all my difficulties at once. I am not expected to handle more than my share. I will work on one or two things and leave the rest to God.

sokiegirl, you are one of the most mature young ladies I have ever had any contact with. Because of your circumstances and what has happened to you; you have grown wise beyond your years. I know 34% isn't much but it is something. Your message to anyone who is being abused rings loud and clear and true. Have you ever thought that God wants to use you as spokesperson for abused and battered women? Just a thought. God bless you dear lady

You guys always make me feel better when I'm having a pissy day. :D I have made alot of friends her and even though I don't post much out of the domestic forums I watch whats going on in your lifes as well . :) I think its like Nim said because all of you mean alot to me even thought we have never met in person.
I don't know what I am going to do with my life yet but I am grateful that I can call it my own again without seeing a fist or a kick to the gut. They tell me I am doing very well in school but I have someone helping me in my english and spelling so I better understand and eventually I hope be better understood. I don't know that I will go into the domestic violence field but when my education is complete I hope to be able to help someone - in someway -so I can pass along what the world has shown me and that is that life doesn't have to be cruel all the time. (hugs) sokie

Oh Sokie,
Don't pressure yourself. I'm 38 and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. lol. Take it slow and your passion may be something totally different (basket weaving perhaps?) and that's okay. Just by being you, you are a wonderful role model and that's what we admire about you.

I hear you on the not growing up MountainMom :) There was a time when I couldn't wait but these days I very comfortable back home and being my parents *little girl* :cool: . I enjoy family meals, family laughs, and just not being alone anymore. I know there will come a time when I am ready to make it on my own again but for now I am thankful for the safety, security, and love my family shows me. I will never use or expect my family to take care of my needs but I will be very sure of a situation before leaving this house again. sokie

Aaw Sokie, that's so good. You are a very mature pulled together lady who's really doing a great job. You appreciate the simple things in life right now and that just may be one of those things that has come out of all of this. I don't know what your relationship was with your parents before all of this happened, but my guess is, that you all are a lot closer now. Revel in the love and support, you need it and deserve it right now.

Sweets, I think you were always a little older than your age, and that's probably what got you into the situation with your ex. You thought that you knew what you were feeling and seeing and didn't really know how cruel the world can be. In over your head without a second's notice and without the pure experience to know how to swim with a shark.

Now you really are older than your age, and you've paid dearly for it, but along with that hard-bought wisdom, you will have a big heart and the chops to use it well. So when it's time, you will soar.

sokiegirl, with all that you have already accomplished you should be very very proud of yourself. You have developed into a wonderful young lady much like a rose bud developing into a beautiful rose. Don't try to rush anything and when the time comes you will know what you want to do with the rest of your life. We must learn to walk before we can run so just take it slow and enjoy the walk; one day will come when you will run with the greates.

I went to therapy yesterday and my therapist told me they are having a hard time at the shelter as this holiday season begins. I guess maybe its the alcohol or drugs that helps everyone into fighting but none the less its happening. This morning I feel sort of empty not seeing her things but I am trying to let go. God Bless all of you threw all these holidays. (hugs) sokie

To come to feel that you could do it, that's some progress, kiddo! That was a wonderful thing to do - a gift for those who come there after you.

Holidays are always tough, for those who are not home, and those at the shelter have had their homes ripped away from them. It's definitely as bad as prisoners feel. . .When you're that distraught it's hard not to lash out.

Hugs, girl

Sokie..........you truly are amazing.....and what a beautiful heart you have...I can't even imagine how hard this must have been to do...but of course it is another step in healing and growing you are willing to take...I still hold on to some tangibles that remind me of those I've lost...There are mothers and babies that will be grateful for your kindness....much luv to you.......~Cat

I have been abused from birth, sexually,physically,mentally and emotionally. Not as bad as some, but worse than others. I say ALL abuse no matter how big or how small is devistating. here is a poem i wrote in a womens shelter, sitting at the table watching all the mothers scurry around fixing dinner together for themselves & their children, but all together.I hope it makes sense. sincerely, surelyuknowamy
IT’S REALLY HARD
You know it’s really hard
To make some choices
It’s really hard
To work against stronger forces
That seem to hold us down
That hold us prisoners
In our own head
That keep us locked, and
Makes our brain feel dead.
It’s hard to trust our
Own judgments and make up our minds
To know what’s right from wrong
After being told what to do
And how to feel for so long.
It’s hard to break away
You want to leave so bad
But once your gone you can’t stay.
But if you can just hang on
To what sanity you’ve got
Maybe one of these times
That you do leave, you’ll
Be able to make the
Right choices and throw away
The ones that are not.
BUT IT’S REALLY HARD.



By
Christina Bailey
March, 2003

I'm sorry I didn't introduce my self, well you can call me surely :) I live in washington state. my man is in SRCI right now. previously in OSCI. he's been in for 21 yrs? I met him, i think 24yrs ago (on the outside.)He was 20 and I was 24!! woohoo! He's now 43 and I'm 48. this is our 3rd. time together. funny isn't it? how we come full circle to just find each other, only more matured this time and ready to live life right and together?. 'It's better to have to go full circle to find your true love than to have never have found him at all.'

Its nice to meet you surely :) Sorry things have been so bad for you threw the years, my heart goes out to you because I was only in it afew years. I like your poem. sokie

Wow Sokie,
That's a big step forward. I can understand how empty it feels, but you have done a wonderful thing to help another mother and child. This got me thinking. I have started volunteering at Christmas to help put together our Holiday Food and Toy baskets for the community. We supply the fixings for a big family dinner (tky, hams etc.), toys, hats, mittens, fruit etc. for the members of our town and surrounding towns that need it. Last year we helped almost 150 families. Is there somewhere where you could volunteer doing something you would like to do in your area? The reason why I ask is it feels unbelievably good to help others and it just might help you get through the holidays this year. Maybe your parents could do it with you? My husband used to make a community Christmas dinner in the old town that we lived in and families would come and have a wonderful meal in the great room of the local church. It's just a thought and something that might help.

Surely,
Welcome to PTO. It sounds as if you have been through a lot in your life and I'm glad you have found some happiness with your beau/husband. I hope PTO will be a nice support network for you.

Thank you sokie and Mountain M. for welcoming me. Sokie, I went thru and read from the begining and YOU are such a strong woman.Trust me, God is going to bless you for your kindness for other women who are going to cross your path and draw strength from your accomplishments and your encouragement to them, whether you go into that kind of field or not, God is going to send women your way that will need help and your going to be just the person that will give them that ray of hope to hang onto that will save their life or help them see a POSSIBLE future for themselves from what you have survived and rose above. GOD BLESS YOU, SOKIE AND MAY THE JOY,LAUGHTER,HAPPINESS AND PEACE BE OVERFLOWING IN YOUR HEART, AND BE FAR MORE THAN THE PAIN,ANGUISH,AND LOSSES THAT YOU HAVE HAD TO ENDURE IN YOUR LIFE. AND YOU HAVE AN OVER ABUNDANCE OF STRENGTH, TO SEE YOU THRU THE REST OF YOU DAYS. THIS I PRAY FOR YOU, YOU BEAUTIFUL, AWSOME, STRONG,AND COMPASSIONATE WOMAN. YOU ARE AND WILL CONTINUE TO BE AN INSPIRATION FOR YEARS TO COME. THANK YOU FOR SHARING, SINCERELY, Surely

Wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving!:thumbsup:

Sokie, I just read this whole thread and cried. You are such a brave person. I am so sorry for your loss. I know there are no words that can make it better. I also have an angel in heaven, and I like to think they are all up there playing in heaven's playground. May God Bless and keep you safe. You are a true inspiration to many people. Always hold your head high, and smile, because you are beautiful, both inside and out. With love Maria

Wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving!:thumbsup:

Right back at ya' sokie girl. Eat lots of turkey and stuffing and wallow in the love that is surrounding you.

Good Luck to you, Have a happy holidays it will get easier...

Dont blame yourself he wants you to feel guilty he's playing the blame game he is manipulative he wants to get out of jail he doesnt have control you do use it no matter what you do it will never be good enough for him he will always criticize you make you feel that he loves you so much then when he feels like he has won he will do it again he will start again you make him hit you blah blah blah he needs help your getting the support you need right here god bless keep your head up

((HUGS EVERYONE!!!)) I know I haven't been gone long but I have been in a treatment center for PTSD. :( But the positive is that I am learning about myself. I really didn't understand how messed up I am inside until they started trying to dig into my thoughts and past.
I just wanted to say "HI!" and I'm home for Thanksgiving. :D ((hugs)) sokie

That's wonderful news Sokie, I hope it's going well and you are growing through this process. Have a wonderful day tomorrow and we are all so proud of you.

That's wonderful news Sokie, I hope it's going well and you are growing through this process. Have a wonderful day tomorrow and we are all so proud of you.
You have a wonderful Thanksgiving too MountainMom and count your blessings. ((hugs)) sokie

((HUGS EVERYONE!!!)) I know I haven't been gone long but I have been in a treatment center for PTSD. :( But the positive is that I am learning about myself. I really didn't understand how messed up I am inside until they started trying to dig into my thoughts and past.
I just wanted to say "HI!" and I'm home for Thanksgiving. :D ((hugs)) sokie

That's really very good news! Good luck.

Hello sokiegirl,

Welcome home and I wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving!
(Also, I wanted to share with you that you are helping others find strength through your words.)

Remember you are not alone. :grouphug:

Hey, Sokie!! I am so glad to hear that you are still on the road to wellness!! You are doing so awesome! You should be very proud of yourself. We are! :) I hope you can get lots of rest for the few days you are at home. I am still in the middle of moving and I am going to be alone for Thanksgiving day.I believe I need it with all the chaos I have been going through the last month. I'm looking forward to some ME TIME Happy Thanksgiving everyone and God Bless all of you. Sincerely, Surely

Hon, I think this is the best thing you could ever hope for as therapy! Give your Mom and Dad a really big hug for Thanksgiving. And enjoy!

Thanks everyone. I had a really nice Thanksgiving Day and hope all of you did also. Its nice being home for a few days, in my room with my stuff and no one bothering me. :D I am learning alot in treatment and they seem to believe that they have my meds. balanced out now so maybe all of this is for the better. I won't go back to school until after the first of the year so maybe I will be able to concentrate this time with my studies instead of flipping out from time to time :confused: I want to get better anyway so I truly am the one in control of my life and handling things on my own.
I have met a few people in treatment that I connect with but my favorite is a man named Rick who is recently back from the Iraq war--he calls me 'sister' and almost has me convinced that its okay for me to feel the ways I do. He tells me that I was in a war all by myself so its okay to be angry yet scared. It just strange ladies (and Krummy ;) ) that I have come to find that if I keep it inside, if I hide from what happened, that it will slowly eat me up inside. I'm not saying that I openly talk about what happened yet--blow for blow-- but eventually I hope to get to that place in my heart and head that its okay.
So don't worry about me folks as I will be leaving again Sunday evening and will not return until around Christmas. I have high hopes that when I do come back I am together more then ever. ((hugs)) sokie
PS: Sorry I seem to ramble sometimes :p

Girl you ramble right along. We are here for you

When you're rambling with good news and smiles, you can ramble as long as you want to!

It's seriously good news that you feel real progress on your way to health, and that you're knowing that you're in charge now. Brava!

Aaah, that reminds me of a song by the Allman Brothers...Ramble On.

Sokie, it sounds as if this is a good place for you and you are really making strides. Rick sounds like he's a good man and will hopefully become a friend for a long time. Enjoy your weekend and we will be thinking of you as you grow through your journey this next month. Just as nim said...you are in charge now my dear, make the most of this time... we're all pulling for you.

I'm packed and ready to go, its sort of bitter sweet since I don't want to but know I have to. :confused: I thought I was better, on the road to recovery, but when I saw snow on the ground this morning and I was right back to the place in my heart & mind that I was a short time ago. I know Pam is no longer with me but it sent me over the edge to see the ground cold. I sure wish I had controlled myself better then to bust out sobbing. :o I'll get that down before it makes things harder on me.;)
So if I don't see everyone before Christmas, I wish everyone and their loved one's a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. ((hugs)) sokie

Hi Sokie.......so glad your Holiday was good....I totally agree with your friend Rick.....that is what happened to you....I must of missed something about your leaving....but I am still here, thinking about you and wishing you well....Take Good Care of yourself Always, ~Cat

And I have alot to talk about....:D

Sokiegirl,
That's good news. I hope you are feeling good and happy to be home. I'm glad the program seems to be helping and you are progressing. I didn't know what to say about your last post, except that I'm sure it won't always be easy, but by getting through those hard times, you are another step closer to feeling better. Enjoy your weekend and we look forward to hearing how you are doing.

Hi, you do not know me, but seem so familiar. I wanted to tell you that I stumbled into this site because I have returned to the domestic violence arena-to try to give back. I seek to gain knowledge that I may better help others. At times, during this journey, I have thought to slam the door and run the other way from where I came, questioning whether this was really where God wanted me. I have a good and happy life now. I was so compelled by your experiences, you are truly a story of strength and many other good things. I have decided to continue to embrace this calling for now. Your babygirl's soul has probably met mine up in heaven. I do not believe that it is cold there, quite the contrary. My baby was only a couple of months within me, but still a life that I loved and cherished. Maybe that is why I am so drawn to helping the babies and the children. They are the most precious. I believe that the people on this board are awesome and here to help and give reality checks when they see a need. My "ex-batterer" lives a free and quite possibly haughty life and always has in spite of his behavior. There did not exist the assistance and laws that exist now for those in danger. I found my own way, and during that process, my unborn child' s soul had to be snatched up by God when Mr. Violent chose to break my rib. It will take time, strength, forgiveness and courage, all of which you have. At that point, I personally had to place my life in God's hands for the strength and ability to raise the toddler that he did not destroy. She is grown now. Hence, my "handle".

God bless and contine to keep you safe as you progress in this precious life.

Me

Honey, it's wonderful that they think you're healthy enough to be at home on weekends! GOOD FOR YOU!!!

Sokie, I haven't been on here for a while am very pleased to see how well you are doing! As far as feeling like you haven't progressed, it only feels that way. There will be times in your life where you will feel overwhelmingly sad, but as long as you can pull yourself out of it, you are doing just fine. And hey! If THEY think your well enough to come home on the week ends then you ARE!! VERY, VERY PROUD of you!! Keep up the good work! sincerely, Surely

Hi Sokie and TYJesus......both your stories are touching and heartbreaking...but the hope that you infuse in other's that are in unsafe relationships is priceless...TY....I am glad you decided to continue with your calling....God puts a calling on our life for a reason....I know that he did that for me....and what I thought about my role in the beginning has changed a lot over the years and my insight as to why this particular calling is more clear everyday....don't be afraid of it....just take each step in faith and you will be led....Blessings to all....~Cat

The man in the glass, in your struggle for worth, and the world makes you king for a day, just go to the mirror and look at yourself, and see what that man has to say, hes the fellow to please never mind all the rest for hes with you straight up to the end,some people may think your a straight shortened chum and call you a wonderful guy, but the man in the glass says your only a bum if you cant look him straight in the eye, for its not your mother,father,brother,or wife, who judement upon you may pass, the ones whos verdict counts most in your life is the one stareing back in the glasss, you can walk down through the pathways of life, and get pats on your back as you pass, but your fianal reward will be headaches and tears if you have cheated that man in the glass

Sokie, I apologize for not being around more. No excuse for it. I am glad you had a nice Thanksgiving and truly hope Christmas will be the same for you. It sounds like the therapy is going quite well. I hope it will continue to work for you until you reach that high point you seek. You deserve the all the happiness you can find and all the love you can endure. I know one day you will fly over that proverbial rainbow to better world that you so deserve. You say sometimes you ramble but I don't think any more than the rest of us do at times. We are all here still praying for you dear; so keep up the good work. God bless you

I'm home for the weekend again. :) They keep me busy in the clinic but I have plenty of time to myself and alot of time to think also. I sure am thankful for my family, my friends and my very special friends on this site. I was reading somewhere on here the other day that this site was built for people left behind when their loved one does time but I believe this site is about so much more because I have found alot of support being a victim of a crime too. I just wanted to thank whomever built this site and the people who moderate it.
They have me medicated these days but not to the extreme that they did before so my thinking is a little clearer these days. I still have night fears, dreams and a few other problems but I'm dealing somewhat better. Well at least I haven't broke down in awhile. ;)
They are talking about keeping me a few weeks longer in the program but nothing solid on it yet. I'll let you all know as i find out. But I believe the clinic is helping me somewhat, I make eye contact with others and am not as ashamed as I was about my face or what happened to us. Well its a start, right?:hmm: ((hugs)) sokie

Oh Sokie, that's great news. It's not going to all happen over night, but you are making progress and that's wonderful. I hope you are okay with the idea that they may keep you a few extra weeks as the more help you can get, the better it should be. I'm so proud of you and you are such a wonderful, sweet, young woman, we are blessed to have you in our lives too.

Oh, btw, FED-Ex started PTO. It's fun to go back and look at some of his posts and to see what a wonderful thing he has given to so many of us. We all have needed it and appreciated it just as you have.

Hi babe - I like the sound of your progress! I'm sure they are better for you than your local folks (try hard though they might). You're in the hands of real experts, and when the injury goes as deep as yours, you NEED experts. Never feel that you aren't worth the best they have to offer!

Yes it is a great start Sokie....so glad to hear you are progressing so well...I know it is a journey and not easy...and I agree with you about this site....it is an amazing work......and with the way people think about prison, people who are involved with people in prison or have been....makes it even more amazing...cuz the bias is so strong...but yes for the victims of DV...this is a blessing and a bonus....Take good care...~Cat

:) Hi everyone. I am getting ready to return to the clinic for another fun filled week.:rolleyes:
My parents got me a kitten for Christmas but I supose they didn't realize they had to babysit it 5 days a week. He is real cute. Anyway it made my weekend to have something to play with and cuddle.
Sometime towards the end of January I am seeing another doctor about my eye. My parents believe they have found one who can perform a miracle so we are Chicago bound. I know and understand my parents want to help me but I wish they'd leave things alone. Its not that I like looking like this or don't want to see but sometimes I just want to scream "Enough!". I don't believe it is fixable myself but we will see.
I am gone shortly and will be laying in the back seat so I don't have to experience any of my fathers road rage on this beautiful Sunday afternoon. :p ((hugs)) sokie

Darlin' - If it were my kid, I'm pretty sure I'd be making appointments in Chicago, too. Moving heaven and earth, because the one thing I couldn't protect him from I would have to do my best to fix.

My son is now being divorced by his wife. No couples counseling, no questions - she wants an end to it. He is, of course, crushed, and loves her as much today as he did when he married her 11 years ago. What he manages not to see is that her verbal abuse is chipping away his soul. I have said things before, but he develops total forgetfulness, and doesn't remember that I've said anything. His denial is complete.

I will be messing with his mental health once this legal mess is done. I will be (gently, of course) pointing him to counseling, to methods of being a better parent; I will be supplying the space where he and the kids can come and enjoy themselves, whether it be cooking or riding or swinging in the trees. And I won't stop either. I will try to be non-irritating, I will try to be kind. But I damn well will get it done. However I need to, however I can. I'm 59, he's 36, but the parenting thing isn't over yet. Not 'til I'm dead.

Guaranteed that your parents are doing the same thing. I know you just want to stop, but we're like sharks - If we stop, we die. And until we straighten out the guilt of not protecting our kids, we keep trying.

Just love 'em, hon. When you read of all the disrupted family relationships on these boards, you can only be grateful that you have your parents.

Thanks for telling me that Nim :grouphug: I am glad I have the parents that I do because I know they love me very much. I don't mean to sound selfish or ungrateful for what they do for me :shake: Its just sometimes I get tired....but we will be seeing Chicago soon.
I am sorry to hear that your son is going threw a divorce. I know it is hard on a person.

It was a tough Christmas seeing little children and trying not to imagine my Pamela. Sometimes its hard to keep composure and show that I am adjusting well. I'll be glad when the holidays have passed.

sokie,
It is good to see you here dear. I can not imagine the pain you must have felt watching the children. Just know that it is alright to grieve and miss a child who has gone to be with God. She was a part of you for so long and you can't just forget that and pretend she was never there. But the one thing that keeps her living; is she is in your heart. As long as you carry her there she will always be alive.
I really don't think you were sounding ungrateful for what your parents are doing sweetie; you have an opinion and it is fine to voice it. Yes, you probably are tired of all the doctors and the exams and diagnosis'. It is like Nimuay said though, parents will never give up trying to take care of their children. Not until the day God calls us home. Until then even though they are grown adults with families of their own; they are still our babies. You seem to have come such a long ways in improving in just a few short months and I am quite confident that in time you are going to be that beautiful full bloomed rose, full of beauty, confidence, and love. Because that is who you are. Never forget that you are one of God's creations and no matter what any person or people say; you are beautiful.
Gods speed and may He truly bless you.

Thank you for talking to me Krummy, you are such a nice man.
I try real hard and I understand the things I have to do to keep moving forward so people see and know that I am okay. I am learning fast that I may not feel the way they want but as long as they see it in a textbook then I am considered normal or almost healed. I am looking for marks in a book now. I almost believe that the pysch's aren't that smartest as long as I have a book......... damn me. Does anyone else know what it is like to have everything the believe, feel, or want in life under a scope? It isn't like I can go back and change my past or what happened. Whew I dread going back next week. I just want to be done. I want to block it and move on...

They will only see what you allow them to, sweets. And you've had to learn to hide, because that's one of the only things that kept you alive. It's hard to give up something that was a literal survival tool. . . And yes, I've had just about every emotion taken apart and looked at (in addition to being a minister my dad had his MS in psychology!), and I've gone through the DV counseling, and taken my son to therapy, and gone to Al-Anon meetings for my bro and son. Do I wish it would end? Yeah. But if it's going to make differences in the way I make choices, if it's going to mean I am a better grammy, then I'll keep plugging away at it. There are too many people whose lives intersect with mine for me to keep hugging my f'ed-up-ness close. I need to be more sure every day that my way of being is GOOD for those around me. It keeps me going.

You know Sokie, I think Nim said it very well. I know it gets old, but the more work you do now, the better off you will be down the road. And wouldn't it be good to get as much of this work done as soon as possible? I've been in and out of therapy for years (depression) and there are times I just wish I felt great all the time, but it's not to be for me as that's not what my life has dealt me. So, every morning I get up, get dressed and be the best parent, wife, friend and worker I can be- even if it's not always what I would consider to be good enough. But, I'm doing it and putting one foot ahead of the other and plugging away at my life and when it comes right down to it...I'm pretty lucky and pretty happy.

You have a group of us who are rooting for you Sokie and we understand it's not always going to be a breeze, but everyday is a day in the right direction.

Here's to a better year! (((hugs))) mtn mom

Thanks ladies.
Whew, am I the only one glad these holidays are over? I believe this was the most difficult time for me so far. Maybe it was selfish of me to just want to put everything on hold -- maybe try to enjoy my days at home instead of being brow beat about how I felt about my first Christmas holiday without my child. Really what would have been the correct answer? If I showed too much emotion then the would up my meds...too little emotion then I would be told I was blocking.:shake: It was a no win situation. Please forgive me for venting my frustration about being looked at like a lab monkey. sokie

Hi Sokie.....just reading your last couple of posts....this struggle with wanting not to be under the microscope of the world is very understandable. But I think it is just all a part of the process. I can see that you just want to be "normal"....and one way you imagine you can achieve this is by blocking everything out. Why wouldn't you? Processing all the pain and emotion is hard work. But I know that it will pay off. You will not be just stuffing your emotions down, but really able to cope better with all of this in time. You are well on your way. I am so proud of you. I also think you may kinda hate being the "patient" whether it be with the docs or the shrinks. Try to keep in mind it is those who are brave enough to do what you are doing that truly transcend their losses and pain.

And yes, the Holidays sucked for me too!!!.....Long story....and I am glad to just be back in my routine.....yay!!!!.....So together let's root for a better year.....Take care and keep us posted.....BTW....what did you name your kitten?.......with luv...~Cat

Sokie, it is a no-win situation in the short run. But you're not in it for the short-term results, you're in it because the whole rest of your life depends on it. And knowing that, I'm sure you aren't going to quit. So you go back, and you do the things they want you to do, and you learn more about yourself and the damaged human psyche than you ever wanted to know. But at the end, you will be smart and stable and kind and funny and healthy and ready to get on with a better life. It's like surgery - which none of us want to go through, but know we need.
You will still sorrow about Pammy, but it won't be paralytic any more. You will still be amazed at your ex-husband, but you won't cower any more. You will be stunned to realize that you no longer value any other man more than you value YOU.

It will come, beautiful. It will come.

Incidentally, there is a Japanese ceremony, called the water-baby ritual, that you might want to look into. The Japanese understand the pain of losing a very young child, and have developed this sweet little rite. It helps many. Find a Zen or meditation center - they might have info for you about finding a ceremony you can participate in.

The treatment center has accepted me for another 4 weeks. I will be leaving again next Monday. It makes me sad inside to see my family being drained and selling of the things they have for retirement so they can try to help me more. Today is one of those days when the anger is burning deep and hard for what he did to us...all of us.
I will continue trying to do what I need to get better so I can move on. Thank you for being here for me to chat with (well, and cry and rant too) . love sokie

Darling, they are doing it because YOU are their greatest gift. Not retirement, not things. YOU.

:grouphug: Nimuay! I wish you were my counselor because you always have a way to make me feel better. I am thankful you are my friend.

Well, think of what you would have done for Pammy - would you hold back anything? Of course not. It is what good parents are for. It is not always required that we give all, but when it is required the good step up.

You know Nim I think about Pamela everyday:cry: I wish there was a way to go back in time and know the things I do today. My mom tells me that when I get myself together I need to work with other girls so they understand what domestic violence can do to a person--to their soul if nothing else. But then my mom believes me to be sweet, soft and caring too.:haha:
I named my kitten 'shoe string' because she will knock you down to get yours. :)

My prayer is that God will continue to strengthen you in the areas you feel weak.

Be encouraged my sister the best is yet to come.

Hi Sokie....I love that name....ShoeString....Nim has given you such wise and comforting words...and I echo them..especially about not feeling guilty because your parents are doing for you. You are worth it. They are kind and loving parents, thank God, that want you to have your life back....Be at peace, sweet girl....you are well on your journey to healing....~Cat

Sokie,
I have not posted to you since I told you way back--To pick up that phone and call your parents! They will open their arms to you. They did. They were there in no time to pick you up.
You have come so far and I just wish every child in America had wonderful parents like you. Also nimuay, cats, Krummy and all the others have gave you such wonderful inspirations. It reminds me of the prodigual son in the bible who's parents welcome him home. There is nothing a good parent want do their child. I am 71 and I will always be there for my children and grandchildren. My brother who is in prison. God never forsake us, and neither will we forsake our children. Its about unconditonal love.
My heart aches for them all when they are hurting. Being a Mother or Father is the hardest job in the world. Its not about money, its about you.
Your parents are like all of us here who care about you.
You have come thru a lot and i admire you. Your strenght and your faith in your self is what will preserver.
I will leave you with a old saying, as i just told my daughter and some of my grandchildren the other day--It is funny-- Not to offend anyone.
Did you ever see a hearst pulling a wagon full of money going to the cemetery?
The moral of the story is--We can't take it with us. So do not feel quilty about your parents help- Its better to give with a warm heart--then a cold hand. You are special to them and to God. You are his child also.
God Bless you thru this journey.
I hope this makes sense, I care also.

Thank you Cat, Boflipflops and a special thanks to you sonyarod because I need as much prayer as I can get get.:grouphug:
I understand what each of you are telling me because I would have done anything in the world for my daughter too. It was the hardest day in my life when I decided to quit trying to hold on to her and stopped all the medical procedures so she could live with God. She would have eventually died so having her stuck, bagged and tubes running in and out of her must of hurt her beyond anything I have ever known. Sometimes I wonder if what was left of me snapped that day.
I suppose the reason I feel bad about draining my parents for the things they have is because when they came to America they had nothing. They had so many hardships trying to get here and truly looked forward to a better life. I am thankful I have loving parents and as I read across the boards some days I understand just how lucky I am. My mother just smiles at me and tells me when the time comes she knows I will take my place among them and care for her and dad as they have taken care of me. And believe me, I will...
I have made a lot of friends on this site. I love and appreciate each one of you even tho I understand I will probably never meet anyone in person. All of you have a special place in my heart and I am thankful for the ones who first made contact with me and made me feel it was best to call my parents. I don't even want to imagine where I would be right now if you hadn't stepped up. :grouphug: Love sokie

Sokie, I no, I no, It had to be so hard to make that choice. But you knew she would not get better sweetie. You did what you thought was best for your child that day.
You no it would be nice if someday we could all meet. That could be possible when you feel like its time. You are going to make some lady proud to have you as a daughter in law ---someday.
Do not ever give up on your self.

Sokie Happy New Year! It's been awhile since i have posted to your thread, but i see you got some great feedback from some great folks...Nim, bo,cat...and they know their poop! And they are great friends too! Gee! if i should ever get a cat, i'll call it Nimbocat! I'm serious! Shoestring is an adorable name...

:ha: Thank you for that laugh Wendi.
I'll see you guys in a week or two or three or maybe even four:hmm: Its time to return for more help....((hugs)) sokie

I luv you Wendi........you always make me smile........

Me Too!
Take care Sokie!

I love the cat name Wendi !! Nimbocat-What a hoot you are. I just re-read this and am laughing my head off. at you. Lo Laughter is good for the soul and Me and Sokie and all the others needed your great sense of humor today.
Me TOO! Again!

Wow sokie I just read this from start to finish. You have had me in tears. You must be an angel straight from heaven, everything you've been thru. I am happy for you that you are getting some help and I will keep you in my prayers.

:D I came home until they get the problem solved with the the insurance. :D

Insurance is covering some of it? Woo-hoo!

He and his family should be covering it, too. Maybe you need a lawyer to sue him. Contingency fee, so you don't have to pay anything. And maybe check and see if California has a victim's assistance fund. If you can find anything, it might make you feel a little better about your parents' finances.

:( What they charge to house me is unrealistic. They claimed they would now it has been shutdown. But by gosh they will give me some medication to help me threw.:ha:

Hi Sokie,
All of my counseling is paid for through VCGCB (Victim Compensation & Government Claims Board). My children's is paid for also. Here is the number 1-800-777-9229 and the web www.victimcompensation.ca.gov (http://www.victimcompensation.ca.gov)
I hope this helps, God knows you've been helping me. :)

Hi Sokie,
What happened to the CA house? I pray that you take it from him hands down, but since you brought up the insurance issue, I was reminded of an earlier post of yours. Hopefully the victim assistance info that Tamitha gave you will help. Keep in mind with the health insurance that you can always APPEAL (in fact APPEAL before the denial...:D ). Sometimes the red tape can be pathetic, but nothing compared to the hurdles you have dealt with so well!

The money for the house was gone long ago on debts we had acquired together when married, Pamela's funeral expenses, her head stone at the cemetery, our medical bills, and the list goes on and on.
The insurance part I am not sure about because it is or was a policy my parents carried on me but now the insurance company wants to decline payment because of my age, the fact I had married and probably some issue's that my parents do not want to discuss with me. They tell me that the problem should me cleared up by the end of the week so they will be sending me back at the beginning of next week probably.
Thank you for that # Tamitha, I will call later today to see if they will help me and if it covers to another state. I have had some contact with the victim's unit in California but that is just to make sure they notify me if he is released early, I need to know when to run and take cover ;) .

Sometimes, I wish I could run with you.....

I want to run, that's for sure, so when he is released I pray that I am strong enough not to. I have to find ways to be stronger so I am aware when he is released, make the appropriate measures to make myself safe and never let him or his ways effect me anymore or again. But the running part feels the easiest right now.

sokiegirl, I have been just sitting here at my computer for several minutes with a total loss for words. What you have had to endure at such an early age is something no one should have to deal with in their entire life. Sadly though, yours is not the only story of this kind. You see it in the news everyday. I for one just can not figure out what makes a man feel like he has to beat a woman to get their attention, or get them to do something or whatever the reason may be. I truly believe it is a sickness and should be treated as so. Maybe then there wouldn't be as many stories similar to yours. About the running; you may feel that way inside right now; but somehow I know one day you will have the strength to face him head on if need be because you have come so far in just a short amount of time. God bless you sokiegirl.

Sometimes Krummy you send me the same message that my father does and it helps with my self confidence. I want to be strong, I want to be normal, and other times it's enough to just be my dads little girl. I would have to say that your daughter and I have much in common since we are both lucky enough to have good parents like you, your wife, and my parents. Maybe with the family ties that bind me I will be able to not only make eye contact but not shake when the time comes to make my stand against him in person---I know that day is coming so I am trying to get ready. This time I plan to be the one left standing. ;)

From what I have learned, they (male batterers) are typically cowards and would not confront another male. One of my uncles used to say that a "man" that hits a woman is a mouse, not a man. Continue to work on your courage and realization of your strength - (go get a "piece"-can I say that? For self protection, of course! :D ) and lifting your head up the way it belongs. He is a coward, not you. You have suffered and endured at his grimey hands. You are out - he cannot hurt you anymore, and when you do have to face "him", have plenty of muscle around you. I do not know if you can say, but I will ask anyway - what jail is he in? Do call that number for assistance, make the state help you. (Governor Arnold S. has been on the news lately about California's shortages...so!!!!!!!!)

I have to disagree with the "piece" part. More people are killed by their own weapons that they have for protection. Please be careful.

Okay, you can (disagree). Even if mental empowerment is helpful, you do what you have to do. Further, what is wrong with a "piece"?- rope, thread, yarn...sorry. Of course you need to know the safety rules and all else. It is a controversial subject, so I will not engage any further.

:no: I must apologize because I was not speaking in terms of getting a piece. I just plan to be the last one standing the next time we meet...no more hits, no more crying, no more crawling for me. He will not intimidate me anymore :no: I won't let it happen or I will be where he can never find me. (Yes, I will run ;) )

Hi Sokie...........just reading through your last posts......in CA the Victim of Crimes program is state funded. They are usually located at within the courthouse system. They will provide you with some forms to fill out and then reimbursement of up to $10,000, I believe, for medical, psychologica care is paid. There may be more services as well. The department of rehabilitation is also a good source....I think you would qualify to receive a lot of services through them....I hope this is helpful...You are always in my thoughts and prayers....I agree....no "pieces", enough violence has occurred. The strength as you described needs to come from inside you. I am so pleased read that you are feeling that way, as well....my best to you....~Cat

I called and they were very nice to me but most of the programs they have to offer are within California, I left there a few weeks before I gave birth to Pamela.
It was court ordered that I receive a portion of whatever my ex husband receives while he is in prison but that % doesn't give much. Actually it makes me sick to my stomach when I receive any restitution from him because the hate within me hasn't settled. I remember him everyday when I look in the mirror. :shrug:
My parents are struggling to find the funds to put me back in the clinic. I wish I could find a way to make myself better in my mind so they didn't feel I needed to return because they stress so hard trying to find ways for more surgery for me too. I try to block things out of my mind but they sneak up on me when I least expect it. You know, the hurt, the anger, the terror in the wee hours of the morning.
My mom has tried to help me let go using ways from where she came from. I believe my mother must have struggled with terror too because sometimes I see it in her face but it is not spoken of in a direct way in our home. I don't know folks. I just want to be like all the other carefree girls my age and get on with my life.

I guess it's time to wish something different. You could wish for 2 extra hands, too, but for dealing with real life, you just have to go with what you've got. And that means making what you can out of this. You will never be them, but you will be, in 10 and 20 and 30 years, a woman of depth and understanding and wisdom, and they will be going through what you have already passed. And that's the good part - you will never have to do this again. The worst of your life is behind you and the best is still coming.

Perhaps, if I had been as strong as you and dealt with things differently at your age, I wouldn't be going through this now at 38. You will heal as we all will, but you are definately one of the strongest I've heard from. My therapist said that the fact that I didn't deal with things when I was younger (I just surpressed them) Is one of the things that made me a prime target to become a victim over and over again....yuck.... I never looked at it that way before. She says that most victims don't deal with whatever happened to them and the average number of times a victim is victiimized is 13!! When she said that I started counting from the time I was molested as a child, to the rapes, and the other things and for the first time I realized how much I had not dealt with. I guess what I'm trying to say is you are doing everything right and because you are looking it straight in the face you will be happier in your future. This is what I told my daughter when she refused to go to counseling. I never saw myself as a victim but the preditors certainly did!

See, that's why I love this place because all of you show me things that I haven't seen in myself yet.:grouphug:
First let me thank you Nim because you are correct about me not being where I am today years down the road. :no: I will never/ever again be in a situation where I feel uncomfortable, scared or maybe even hit again. It was a rough/harsh lesson in my life but I will never go back to anything like that again. I will pray for anyone and everyone I know living that lifestyle because I have done it and it is the hardest road I have ever seen in my life.
Tamitha, I try to be very positive about going to counseling and seeing a therapist because it is what my parents believe I need and I understand I am not healthy enough to make the choices on my own sometimes. Sometimes the choices I have and do make aren't the best so my parents have taken the lead in my life for now until I have everything worked out and can stand firm and on my own. That sounds crazy, huh? I am not mental ( I hope anyway ) but my parents have seen me threw some very bad times this past year even a few attempts at suicide. I was not thinking about anything accept joining my child so all guns and medications are locked down at this time. So what I am telling you is no, I have not faced things real well sometimes. If I was you I would continue pressuring my daughter into some kind of something where she can find help expressing herself and not bottling it up--it isn't healthy. You seem to be a caring, loving mother so I know you will guide her threw it. ((hugs)) sokie

sokie, I wanted to let you know that there is nothing wrong with running. Somehow though I feel that when the time comes to face him you are going to surprise yourself with the strength you have managed to compile and put him in his place. Just be sure there are others around when it happens. Do not face him alone. And no my dear you are not mental. You are one of the strongest people I have ever communicated with. I know right now it seems like things will never be normal but just put it in the hands of God and time will help. I am not saying all wounds will heal but they will heal enough you will be the person you wish to be Take care sweet lady.

Hi Sokie.....I just wanted to touch base with you on Victims of Crime...did you talk with them? I think the perpetrator may have to reimburse them...so it's not taking money from him. Do you still qualify since you are not in CA anymore? Would you qualify for Victims of Crime in the state your in? Or Voc Rehab? I ask as it is really something you deserve to receive. Those funds are for people who have been injured at the hands of someone else. So please don't feel bad about receiving funds or services if they are available to you.....

I too find you amazing and the most courageous woman to face all that you've gone through. You are a continual inspiration to all of us.

Tamitha....I am glad you found this thread...you may have noticed I'm following your other thread and hope that you will find hope and courage in this brave young woman's story. You too, have been through a great deal and it isn't over yet...so please keep coming here and take in the support.....my best to you both.....~Cat

The woman from the shelter has asked me to stop over this afternoon to talk to a woman who is 7 months pregnant. I wish someone would come online to tell me I should do this or that I can do this. Should I be open and honest with a total stranger?

Soki,

Thank you for helping me realize and understand I do need help and I do need to take my medication. If I ever want to get better I need to get past what my ex abuser did to me. It's hard to come to terms with it all. Or maybe it is just to overwhelming and I choose to put it on the back burner for another day or even another life. What I'm doing not only to myself but also my 3 children isn't fair. I need to stand up and tell myself it wasn't ok what he put me through but it is ok to get the right help. I have therapy before but I don't believe I was honest with him cause I wasn't ready to open up. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry for the loss of Pamela just know she is your angel in the sky. I went outside today and release a pink balloon to the sky for Pamela in Heaven.

Please go talk to the lady you might save her life and her unborn childs. You can do this. You are a strong women and anyone who tells you different isn't worth your time.

Tell this lady to walk a day in your shoes back when you were 7 months pregnant. Ask her what advice would she give to you. Chances are she would tell you to run away from her abuser. Please update us if you go or not.

Go, hon. You have a great deal to tell her, show her, share with her. Including your pain (don't hide it).

Just make sure there's someone there for you, too.

And who says wishes don't come true? :) Thanks Wanda and Nim I am leaving in a few minutes to go meet this woman. I am real scared... I don't know that talking to her will make a difference but maybe she will chose her baby after I tell her and she sees what happened to us. The counselor tells me that she has been abused terribly this time so maybe she is ready to make the move to get out and stay out for good. I'll post tonight to tell you if I broke down during 'our talk'. ;)

Sokie, you can do this. You are being put in this girls path for a purpose-Go share with her, it will make you feel good to be able to share your feelings to someone who needs you. This will be a healing process for you, Just knowing you were able to help save one person from anymore pain.

I love that little picture! Verrrry sweet! Yes, Sokie, you will cry - separately and together. Nim's right, have a shoulder of your own, as it is soon. Someone has recognized your strength and abilities! And you are keen to the fact that she has to make that decision. That's great! Keep going!

I'm sorry for the loss of Pamela just know she is your angel in the sky. I went outside today and release a pink balloon to the sky for Pamela in Heaven.

Wanda, Wanda, Wanda....when I read something as sweet and caring as what you did for Sokie and her little Pamela it is the reason I stay on PTO for moments like this.....

Sokie.......if you can go and share your story you will have given someone the most precious gift. The gift of love. You have said before if your story helps someone someday that would make you feel that posting all your stuff here and going through all the therapy would've been worth it.

So just trust the good Lord to help you know what to say and just show up. I can't wait to hear how it turns out......

Wanda...yes, sweetie take your meds and get a therapist. You owe it yourself and those three children.....with much luv....~Cat

I tried.:broken: I have been where she is and not my story or anyone else's would make her change her mind about going back. She believes he will change, she believes she cannot do it alone, she believes the beating was her fault.
I talked to her in great detail about what happened to us, Pamela and me. I never thought I could but the words came easy and I won't lie because I did cry. My parents believe this might not have been the best thing for me right now but I was only trying to help another. I tried to tell her how lucky she is to still have her baby still thriving inside her but she wouldn't listen.

PS: Wanda thank you for thinking about my Pamela and releasing that balloon...maybe God let her see it. :)

It's OK, kiddo. It's the fact that you could try that matters, and if she didn't want to hear, that isn't your fault. There are no words, sometimes, that can reach us. No words, no pictures, no signs, sometimes no experience even.
I love you just for trying.

Be very careful of yourself for the next few days . . . you allowed a great deal of pain to the surface, and that leaves sore spots that take time to disappear.

Sokie, You are amazing. Don't think for a second that your story meant nothing to her. When she's ready to deal with this (hopefully sooner than later) it will be your words that give her strength. Don't be surprised if she reaches out to you again. I know this sounds crazy but I guess I'm kinda where she is still with believing he'll change, but if it wasn't for you guys here I wouldn't even be considering the possiblity that he may not. Your strength will save some but not all. You are surely treasured by everyone whose path you cross. And how proud your angel must be up there watching over you.

I just wanted to tell you that you have been such a source of information for me. You are not the only one, there are many beautiful hearts on this site. But I remember wanting to slam the door back closed and run the other direction because some of these experiences seemed too heavy for me to endure...especially Sokie's. It was so close in ways. It seemed safer to go back to my now pretty nice little happy life and not look back again. I did not, I waited to see. I anticipate finishing up with my cert in order to help in a shelter. You just seem to say so many of the right things right from the heart. I do not know where you learned all of your "stuff", but my guess is primarily life. I feel as though your (and some others') wisdom/knowledge has allowed me to grow. Thanks a lot!

P.S. Will you get rid of my bonkers/erroneous post from yesterday. I get lost with some of this technical stuff!!!

I'll admit it has reopened all my emotions where it feels like it just happened yesterday. Maybe talking about it, maybe facing it will help me someway but it sure does hurt again. Real bad it hurts. :cry:

Even though you thought maybe, just maybe, you could have saved yourself and Pammy from this sorrow you lived through, look at this girl. This is who you were. You had that desperate will to be loved, and to be sure that the best will be what you receive for loving so fully.
No-one could have talked you out then. That is the power of love. Look hard at how determined she is to go back. Remember the energy you put into staying? Now start to forgive yourself. That's who you were.

Now look at your therapists and counselors. They are who you will be. Some of them have surely been near where you were. Now you see them living whole lives, helping others with their deep understanding. (I don't mean that you must become a therapist, but that your wisdom will help those in your future.)

Sokie.......I am soooooo proud of you for your courage....going to talk with that lady...that is amazing. And yes, when you talk about it, you will re-experience some/all of the emotions you felt back when it happened. It is part of the PTSD. What you need to do is take very good care of yourself over the next few days. Warm baths, cups of tea, walks, cuddling up with a nurturing book....anything that nurtures you, that makes you feel safe again. Wrapping yourself up in a warm blanket, whatever works for you. It will help to bring your brain back to now and shut down the memories. I hope this helps.

It is important that you saw in this woman you spoke with the old Sokie and look how far you have come. Please keep that at the forefront of your thinking. Take good care of you....~Cat (((((((())))))))))

This may sound silly, but I have a stuffed dog I started sleeping with and it is incredibly comforting.

Not silly at all....very comforting....good to put on your safe comforts list....~Cat

:shrug: I tried to help another and threw myself back a few steps. It is really hard to explain because it is my therapist telling me that so what do they do? Well of course they up your meds.:slap: It makes you feel crazy when people insist you need meds to control your emotions, either too little emotion or too much emotion and I haven't perfected that medium mode yet so I get those extra pink and blue pills. :shake: So much for smiling and seeing only rainbows and flowers when they flash those ink blotched pictures at me these days.
Some days I get so tired.

Hey Sokie,
Glad you checked in...I was wondering and hoping about and for you. It is my opinion (and possibly controversial) that a person could have 10 or 200 therapists, and yet the process and work is truly up to that person. You shared courage and love with that mother that only you could because of what you lived through on your journey. All you can do is keep going forward. Only you know exactly how you feel and what you can do. Don't stop trying to keep getting better. I promise you will one day gain control and the healing will happen. Hugs and prayers.

Thank you TYJ, I'm doing alright. I have my up days and my down days but I keep on going. :)
The doctor from Chicago will be in Dallas the middle of Feb. so we will meet up with him there to see if he can truly perform miracles with eye sight as my parents so want to believe. Then I suppose they will be hell bent on trying to find me another clinic if I haven't learned to respond as my therapist believes I should be. ( :rolleyes: ) So you guys are stuck with me for another few weeks. :p sokie

My appointment is Feb 13th. I'm a little nervous and scared of being let down that there's nothing more that can be done. It's crazy how we take things for granted, even the simple task of seeing across the room.

Hon, if there's more that can be done, then you just go for it. If there is nothing else, then at least that's an answer, and you begin to just go forward as is; the waiting will be over and life will go on from here.

And once you have an answer, may I suggest that you and your parents check into EMDR? It can have some very positive effects, especially on PTSD.

Hi Sokie.....

may I suggest that you and your parents check into EMDR? I agree with Nim....about EMDR...but, you must check out the therapist and how much training they have had and experience in treating patient's with EMDR....Especially when there has been extensive trauma. I am not trying to scare you, but rather inform you that it is important to be in the hands of an experienced clinician....Good Luck....

I do hope that there is chance to improve your eyesight...but it must be hard to go through all the anticipation and fear of disappointment....So just take it one day at a time....that's all we have to work with anyway, right?.....~Cat

I will tell my parents your suggestion Nim. You know they are always up for any suggestion where maybe I quit screaming at night so they can get some sleep. Too bad that was a serious statement but sounded like a joke.
If I only knew the things back then that I do today my life would be so different. The only thing I don't regret is my Pamela.

Have you ever wanted to hurry and get somewhere but it seems like everything possible is stopping you? :banghead: I have been up since the crack of dawn waiting to get on the road but my dad decided he needs new tires so here we sit waiting for his return. No, lets not get these tires weeks in advance :shake: lets wait until the morning we are leaving :p
So I'll be thinking of you guys on this 13 hour drive with a road raged father and bossy mother :rolleyes: Say a prayer for me about the exam and the road trip.....please! ((hugs)) sokie

Sokie,
I am praying for you honey. You are a strong young Lady and God is by your side.
I no you are anxious to get this chapter over with, Its been a long hard road.
We all will be thinking about you ever mile you go. You have become our child also. And i can't wait to hear from you.

Good wishes duly heading your way, on all counts!

((((((((((((((((((sokie)))))))))))))))) wrapping you in a big PTO hug...can't wait to hear from you......Wishing you the very best.......~Cat

:) It made feel good to see you guys backing me. We got home early this morning. I believe my parents are upset hearing that the damage is permanent again. :cry: :cry: But I'm okay with it this time, I'm just ready to get on with it. (hugs) sokie

And that's exactly what you will do - just go forward. In 10 years, maybe you check again to see if there's been an advance in medical knowledge. Meanwhile, you're OK, really you are, just the way you are now. It may not feel like it, but you are. Not one of us here wouldn't hug you silly if we could just be in the same physical space.

You know, I was looking back at this thread and realized how many hits my post have had. It amazes me how many people have touched my life as I am sure I have touched a few myself and picked up many many friends and a few that I feel like are my online parents, aunts and uncles. So many of you have touched my heart in ways that I find hard to explain but I want you to understand that I am thankful for each and everyone of you because you caught me as I fell. :grouphug:
I decided on my ride back from Dallas that I am moving forward with my life now. I visited the graveyard this morning to tell Pamela that I love her and will be back to visit her but it won't be everyday anymore. It just seems to eat me up inside that God took her home all those months ago but that is where she is so I need to let her rest in peace. I won't let her death be in vein so I will reach out to any and everyone that I see in pain to try to get them out...that is my promise to my little one.
My teacher tell me that I am intelligent so maybe with some education behind me I can help others out of domestic situations or children from being abused -- that will be my focus now. There will be no money used to try to change my sight, my face or my scars. I just want to get better in my heart now. I love you my online friends and family. sokie

My god, girl! That is so sane and so wise of you. Of course you're intelligent, and brave and sorrowing and honest.

When you look back, also look at how far back that is, and how far you've come in this recovery you are living.

Now look forward, darling. . .forward is where you are going, with all those qualities.
I love you.

And all you stand for.

Sokie you have touched my life in ways that you could not even know. I have followed your steps and you have come such along way. Nimuay is right we all would hug you so tight.

Sokie.......When I read this last post from you my heart lept when you said you were ready to move forward and your mission is to help others...this is truly the best Valentine's gift I could have received....I am so proud of you and so happy for you.....I celebrate your decision.....You are moving into acceptance.....a very big step.....I am proud to be walking along side you......my best to you always.......~Cat

:grouphug: Everyone being positive with me helps SO MUCH! I want to be sane, I want a life. :grouphug:

Good steps, Sokie. Keep walking with your head up. Life will keep happening, and you will find new doors open. And keep your faith. It is what makes you a gooooood person!

Sokie, I have goosebumps from head to toe. I am so proud of you for all of your hard work and the maturity that you show by deciding to move ahead with your life. As you are well aware, you will have your up days and your down days as we all do, but everday is a NEW day and by deciding you want a life, that is what you will have. As always, I'm sending you a great big hug.

:) Thanks, I am trying very hard to move on.
I finally have the makeup to hide some of the scars but I have quit wearing sunglasses 24/7. When asked in public if I got these scars from a car accident I don't lie anymore but tell the truth...that was a hard step for me because questions usually follow the admittance. But I suppose I have to face my past to be able to move on.
I have only been to the graveyard 1 time since Valentine's Day which is somewhat hard but it is finally sinking in that she is gone and visiting isn't going to bring her back.
I'm trying my friends, I am trying.

Good girl sokie. As you dig deep for that strength, and can tell your story more, you will be able to keep going on and it will get easier. I'm so proud of you for trying...keep it up and we are here.

Sweet, everything you have written sings of health coming back. You make me smile.

DV is serious. You said "I don't know if i did not love him enough or what I did wrong to make him break like he has but I have paid the price and he will pay for what he did to me."
Honey, even if you made mistakes, he had no right to do what he did to you.
I made plenty of "mistakes":( in my marriage--burnt dinners, talking to my friends too much, wanting to go to bed because I was tired and he wasn't. The list could go on and on. These were the reasons that my ex husband gave me when he was sober as to why he did what he did.
As for not loving him enough--my best friend told me that if DV is a way to show someone that you love them then she hoped to be hated all her life.
Also I told my ex in the letter that I wrote him when I said goodbye "I love you so much that it hurts to think of life without you, but I won't let you show me love by hurting me."
Honey, the thing that helped me a lot was to keep a journal of letters that I wrote to him but never sent. I wanted so bad to tell him things, but I couldn't send the letters because of the stay away order--but I had to have an outlet and I felt that I was bothering others by talking about it. So I wrote to make myself feel better. It was hard not to send them, but in the end it was better.
He has been in for 2 yrs now and will come home in March. I am worried that he will try and bother me, but I won't let him.
Stay strong

RandysAngel, you take all the precautions necessary to stay safe. :grouphug: That is a scary thought that he may bother you so please alert the police in your area to him being released and maybe even get a restraining order if 1 isn't in effect right now. I know it is just a piece of paper but it is a good piece of paper to have if he is lurking from 99 feet away because he just violated it. Can you tell that I am getting ready for who beat me to be released and that is still 4 years off. I'm not going down or bleeding again. :no:
Oh, and welcome to PTO! :)
sokie

Randys....Welcome to PTO........and thank you for your words of encouragement and sharing your experience with us......

Sokie..........you are amazing me again, you are truly getting stronger and healthier.....what a wonderful miracle watching you grow into yourself.....~Cat

:D Thank you Cat :grouphug: I am trying to moving in another direction this year. I know it will take some time for my parents to trust me again but I am trying on my mental health issue's and I no longer want to die. ( Maybe I shouldn't have typed that, huh? :o ) I think something inside me broke awhile back but I am getting better or at least feel better about myself.
I told my other parent on here the other day and now I will tell the rest of you that I received my scores at the junior college, I am carrying a 3.6 average but having problems with my English. I am throwing myself into school over the summer so I can go to real college and receive an education. Maybe law in the future. Wouldn't that be something? The DV forums with their own attorney. :haha: ((hugs)) sokie

Does any one know what happened to Sokie? I just read every word she wrote and felt, another friend she does not knows is praying for her. Please Sokie be safe and well, I know sum abuse from my childhood on, the truth is , I still today have anger, I try to understand, pray to understand, pray to forgive, learned, understood, forgave , then stopped liking the relative any way, The lord said turn your head the other way when your slapped, ,
well he didn't say stand there and take more, so I learn to avoid all who hurt me, I pray you to will find help in prayer and understanding. Pet shoe string for us, my cats bring me comfort at times to... Warmest reguards to a very very strong girl/Woman!! ****{HUGS}}} Joy

:D Thank you Cat :grouphug: I am trying to moving in another direction this year. I know it will take some time for my parents to trust me again but I am trying on my mental health issue's and I no longer want to die. ( Maybe I shouldn't have typed that, huh? :o ) I think something inside me broke awhile back but I am getting better or at least feel better about myself.
I told my other parent on here the other day and now I will tell the rest of you that I received my scores at the junior college, I am carrying a 3.6 average but having problems with my English. I am throwing myself into school over the summer so I can go to real college and receive an education. Maybe law in the future. Wouldn't that be something? The DV forums with their own attorney. :haha: ((hugs)) sokie

Congratulations! You're such an inspiration! :D

Sokie - If you pass the bar and start a law office of your own, I'll come work with you as a paralegal!!!! Wouldn't that be a pip?!! I should be getting my degree about the same time as you, LOL!

skokiegirl...accept and share the love of God...(we love him because he first loved us)...1 john 4:19 Focus on God instead of your fears...(fear not...for I am with you), Isa 41:10, 13 ...I was just shamed off the chat room as a nt, but I'm so proud... NO SO PROUD OF YOU!!! ...listen to nimuayofny....

you girls need a retired, secretary office manager...via the internet I'm in too!

Hi Sokie (((((((((((())))))))))))hugs from Miss Cat........you are seeing future for yourself.....and getting a great GPA.....you are so not done amazing all of us and yourself....And a lawyer...OMG....you go girl....nobody gonna hurt you again......I am so happy for you.....Always in my prayers.........~Cat

Sokie, that is awesome - I read the maybe with your law study, but whatever you choose, you are going to be extraordinarily keen and wise. What are they saying about your English? I actually think I have seen a spelling improvement just in a short while. Was it an LSAT? (I do not know that much about these!) I think that it would be a small hurdle for you to manage if you wanted to improve on this.

Something inside you had broken. You had to get the bleeding stopped and then more work after that. Eventually the clouds leave and the beautiful sky opens up to the heavens. The downpours are less frequent. Keep going as fast or slowly as you choose. I feel so happy for you. I will never forget reading your story. My emotions seemed to go on that ride with you.

God's blessings to you all of your days.

The problem that I have with English is sometimes mine is broken with my first language -- my family is Cambodian -- so I lose something in the translation sometimes. It is hard for me to see the difference in sea-see, threw-through, and on and on like that...I did well in elementary school but when I entered middle school I didn't care much for school anymore as my interest turned to boys and pissing my parents off. :shrug: Sad to admit that but education was way on the back burner until now so I am cramming everything I forgot plus everything I do not know into the same lessons. I struggle sometimes because I wanted to be a wild child at 14 and 15. :o

Sokie.......really your English is very good....I speak (or try, since I don't use it that often) another language and you way ahead of many who are bi-lingual....don't let that be a stumbling block....I am so excited that you are in College....how many women would be doing what you are at this time in your life. You are more than courageous. (((((((((()))))))))))~Cat

The problem that I have with English is sometimes mine is broken with my first language -- my family is Cambodian -- so I lose something in the translation sometimes. It is hard for me to see the difference in sea-see, threw-through, and on and on like that...I did well in elementary school but when I entered middle school I didn't care much for school anymore as my interest turned to boys and pissing my parents off. :shrug: Sad to admit that but education was way on the back burner until now so I am cramming everything I forgot plus everything I do not know into the same lessons. I struggle sometimes because I wanted to be a wild child at 14 and 15. :o
You're BEAUTIFUL Sokie and your English is amazing & better than many that are born/raised in the US. Don't forget that! :grouphug:

I have been here almost a year now. :)
I don't know what is going on with me. I am proud that I am away from that lifestyle now but when I think back my heart begins to beat fast, almost like it was yesterday.
I have read on other forums that they believe sometimes we speak to fast on this forum to tell others to get out but with my whole heart I am grateful for all the stand up people who made me stand up and get out. I am very thankful to all of you that made me see and believe that there is a better life out there waiting on me. I will try to help others now too.
:grouphug: sokie

~Sokie~
You are such a beautiful woman! You've risen above so much adversity and look how far you've come! I know that you have already helped many people here at PTO, and I can only imagine that you've been an inspiration and comfort to people elsewhere as well. Yes, there is a better life ahead for you. Go on out and get it! You deserve happiness.
Lots of love and ((((hugs)))),
~GG~

PS: ...and Happy Anniversary on the 13th! :D

:) Thank you GG and ((hugs)) right back at ya girl!
I have been having a hell of a last few days with memories swooping in on me about where I was a year ago, the person I lost, and trying not to breakdown at this point. There was a few times I had to stop myself from picking up the pen & paper and try to get some kind of understanding or reasons why he did this to us but I am proud to announce to the world that I have had no contact with him since they dragged him off me a year ago tomorrow.
I think at this point I will quit posting in this thread and move along to happier things in life. Pamela and I became a statistic almost a year ago now I think I want to make a difference in what is left of my life and in the memory of my daughter.

Rest in peace Pamela, momma loves you.

Sokie,
How well i remember telling you to pick up that phone call your parents! They will understand. That we as parents love you all no matter what you have done. Just as God loves us no matter.
If you feel like its time to move own then do it! Just make a difference in your life you have so much to give to others. I think you are ready to move own. Get that box and write pamela a letter. I wish only the best for you. Someday you will meet that special person, who loves you for you, Do not ever give up. You do not have to look for it. When you find that special someone you will be loved for you.
Right now take care of you. Let life come to you go enjoy it. There is so much to do and see. You are worth so much more. God did not make any junk when he made you. He made a very strong, intelligent women who he loves very much. If you move own please one day let us no how you are doing in life. I wish you nothing but the very best dear Sokie. When you get as old as i am (71) you will look back and see life as a truely blessing. God has a purpose for us, and hills and valleys, Mt top to climb. You have made it Young Lady.
Go, Live, Love and be happy.
You will always be own my mind Sokie. God Bless you and little Pamela. (Oh, and Mom and Dad) There the bestes.

Honey, that's an excellent way to memorialize your anniversary. This has been almost a journal of how hard it can be, and it's a great way to move onward. I'm proud to know you!

Sokie.........I have mixed emotions, while I am glad that you are ready to move on, I can't lie, I will miss you. This is an important decision and of course I honor it as I do believe you know what is best for you. Just know if you have a bad day or some wonderful news to share, we'll be here and will welcome any news from you. I wish you the very best....(((((((((())))))))))))))......~Cat

~Cat~
I don't think Sokie meant that she would stop posting...(and only she can correct me if I'm wrong)...I think she meant she'd stop posting in her intro thread, and move on to a new phase of her life.
She is so wonderful, and has so much to offer to others ...I don't think she was saying she wouldn't be in the DV forum anymore...maybe just on a different level, a different approach.

~Sokie~
We all love you, girl! You are a hell of a woman! You are looked up to, admired and respected by so many here at PTO.
Those who have ridden along with you through this past year, as well as those who happen upon your story today,...we feel so much, and so deeply, for you and for your angel Pamela (God rest her soul).
Happier things? Yes, Sweetie, it is time...
There are happier things to live and experience in your life. It is only just beginning now.
Your family here at PTO are longing to see you continue to shine as you are meant to.
God bless you and propell you through this new year for you, this new beginning. :heart:

Peace & Blessings,
~GG~

Well gg....this is one time I am glad to be wrong....thanks for setting me straight. You always got the DL gurl..........lol

I didn't mean to upset anyone or lead them to believe I am leaving PTO because I am not. :grouphug: I made the decision yesterday to quit posting in my introduction thread because some days it hurts more then others to come back here to remember and to keep adding to it. Everyone of you that have replied back to me over the past year has kept me thinking and believing that there has to be more then what I actually crawled away from. I suppose sometimes one case of abuse isn't as bad as the next case but I feel that Pamela & mine was extreme so I am thankful that the people who come to this site helped me to open my eyes and educated me to the facts. ( Believe me, there was some major pming going on almost a year ago ;) )
I told GG last night that I have agreed to enter a spiritual ceremony along with my parents in hope to bring some closure to the hatred, anger and sorrow that I feel in my life right now. I am not sure if this will work but I will be gone for a few days trying to heal. I don't want to feel this way anymore so I am going in with an open mind and heart
I just want to be up front and not hurt anyone's feelings if I do not respond in this thread anymore. I love each and everyone dearly, I will see you in other posts and threads.
Love sokie

I told GG last night that I have agreed to enter a spiritual ceremony along with my parents in hope to bring some closure to the hatred, anger and sorrow that I feel in my life right now. I am not sure if this will work but I will be gone for a few days trying to heal. I don't want to feel this way anymore so I am going in with an open mind and heart
I just want to be up front and not hurt anyone's feelings if I do not respond in this thread anymore. I love each and everyone dearly, I will see you in other posts and threads.
Ahhhhhhh....Sokie I am sending positive thoughts and prayers for you and your family as you enter this part of your journey to healing. Everything has its time and place.....I am with you in spirit...and thanks for the clarification........~Cat

What a wonderful exit Sokie--You are such a blessing to me.
I love you for all your many days you stood tall, did not let this defeat you.

Tonight is my first night here. My husband was arrested yesterday for domestic violence against me. I suppose all the stories are the same so I won't go into detail accept to say that I was beaten bad and I filed charges against him- not the state. Maybe some women will find it wrong as he tells me they will, I don't know. I don't know if i did not love him enough or what I did wrong to make him break like he has but I have paid the price and he will pay for what he did to me. Maybe I am looking for someone to tell me that filing, taking the pictures, making the statement against him was the right thing to do- I don't know what I am looking for. The anger inside me is deep and it gets worst everytime I look in the mirror. I'm just really sad. My neighbor tells me I need counseling- I don't see it happening-what if they tell me I need to try to work things out with him? I think I came here for advise.
Don't feel bad at all for having him arrested, I had mine arrested for taking me down a dirt road and him trying to beat me half to death. mine is a good guy if he leaves them darn drugs/drinking alone. if you need someone to talk i'm always here. my better half is doing 3 years if you are in birmingham i know of a great place to get help for domestic violence, i too go and it helps to hear and be around people that have been through a lot of the things i have been through too!

sokiegirl~so proud of you!

Hello,

I read what you said and I am a Domestic Violence SURVIVOR! It is not your fault and you did the right thing. Short of you trying to harm him in a threatening violent way, he has no right, nobody has the right to hit you! Nobody has the right to verbally batter you either and anyone that tells you so is crazy and needs help! Go to counseling for yourself, it works for me. My husband tried to kill me last year with a .38 caliber pistol. I suffer from post traumatic stress syndrome. PTSD - but I am better. it helps to be around other women that are going through or have gone through what we have survived.

You will find that there are women who will mot leave and there are women who are trying to leave and women like me that have been out of it for almost 1 year now. If its a good domestic violence program nobody is allowed to give you advice or put you down for your decisions. Whether you decide to stay or go the purpose of going to counseling is to get yourself help and learn about the cycle of domestic violence.

Maybe your local area has a place or the hospital does. If not look in the phone book and call the national hotline. Talk to somebody lady. Even if you never go to a meeting you can call and speak to someone who is willing to listen. I am willing to list too! You are a Survivor and not a victim.
That makes you powerful no matter what those around you say or do.

Take of you and stay safe. Life does go on it is never easy when you love someone but he has issues and you cannot allow him to continue to hurt you. Maybe one day he will seek help but that is not your problem. You loved him just fine. That is the first thing they do to us. Tell us they would not hurt us if we did not make them angry or that we caused it. But the truth of the matter is everybody has choic es and we make decisions.

Stay safe and seek out women who understand what your are going through.

God Bless You!:thumbsup:

Godspeed Sokie...we are all very proud of you!

I cried for the first time after reading the replys from you ladies. I am so confused, angry and just sort of lost. I am building up the courage to call the domestic hotline people. I'm not saying I will meet them in person because I am ashamed of the way I look, what he has done to me, but maybe just to talk. Maybe they have ideas on how I can remain in my home and just get on with life.

Sokie I had to write you. Please do all you can to get out of your situation before it is too late. Trust me I am speaking from experiance. Find someone you trust and get them to help you along the way. You will need your friends by your side. I pray that you will make it along this tough journey. If you ever need and advice or just a shoulder to cry on, do not hesitate to contact me.

Candice

Hello All,
This is legs52 and I am a survivor of domestic violence. My ex-husband tried to kill me awhile back. He put a .38 to my head and had the trigger pulled. Just now getting back on my feet. He never served a day in jail only abotut 8 hours. He got 5 yrs probation 1 strike and convicted of assault with a deadly weapon. He is suppose to pay restitution but I have yet to see that. Anyway that was a while ago and I have moved on. I just wanted to say hello and keep on swimming ladies. Life does go on and you are not victims but survivors all of us !!!

Earlier today someone brought it to my attention that my introduction thread has had may hits and because of that I may be able to reach out to help another so I am going to give it a shot.
I am still truly confused inside. In the daytime I have much courage and the will to keep moving but in the darkness of night I find sometimes that I am still that scared girl who made that first post. The memories of what were happening to Pamela and I at this time last year eat me up because I still remember holding her and the shine of her eyes. I remember feeling scared but believing our life's were going to continue because we had each other. That was taken from me for whatever reason and only I remain.
There is a lot more to my life that I haven't talked about to many people. Things that I believe are private and I am too ashamed to speak about. When you believe you love someone that much and they turn on you with no mercy or remorse it does something to you inside.
I want to share this song with you. It has a lot of meaning to me and some phone numbers that may help someone else that may be going threw what Pamela and I did. There is help out there but you have to make that first step and continue to move on. You are not alone and there are many such as myself in the world, just reach out. sokie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZdw2CQzOvc&feature=related

Hi Sokie,

I cannot answer why she was taken from you.

In my own experiences with suffering, I have been told many times to "offer it up" synonomous to the suffering of Christ on the cross, and His own mother's loss. I have been told many times to forgive, which is very difficult and seemingly impossible at times, especially with the loss of a child.

It is my opinion that the merciless "person" who caused you such suffering with no remorse, will have to answer for his choices, I just have no clue when, nor do or will you.

I know that you struggle with faith. I know that you struggle with the residue of another's heinous actions.

I recently lost a very dear-to-me person who guided me through heaploads of difficulties with my struggles in life to understand why I would find myself challenged with unexplainable behavior on the part of others who should have been by my side. It was not so much about understanding, really. It was about my embracing my faith with fervor and fortitude, in spite of them or maybe because of them. Although "my rock" never experienced DV firsthand, she witnessed the affects of it on others, and supported me so with my pursuit to go back and extend a hand to help others with this. The choice to take my hand will fully be up to the survivors. You have given so much already in a very short time. I will not preach to you, I hope I have not. I know that this is between you and Him and when you are ready, He will still be there.

Prayers............

Sokie........what a wonderful thing to offer all of the families.....such important information. Thank you..........~Cat

Sokie, You are so wonderful and such an inspiration.

Sokie...I just read threw this post (all of it) and I wanted to send you a BIG (((HUG))):grouphug: I don't know what else to say to help ease your pain...but you are taking the right steps to bettering YOURSELF! Even though Pamela may not be here, you are making her PROUD:yes: Even if it's one small step at a time...even 3 steps forward and 5 steps back....you are still STEPPING and that's what matters! You don't have to forgive HIM for what HE did to YOU (and it wasn't your fault!!)...but you have to one day find peace in YOUR heart. My thought and prayers are with you. God Bless you and may you continue to hold your head up and keep on moving! RIP to Pamela:( Hugs:p
-Jackie

I haven't ran to Pamela's grave in almost a week now. I feel I have abandoned her but at the same time I understand only her body remains.
I suppose it is safe to say that I have had a mental breakdown of some sort. I am on new medications and therapy so the crying and shaking has subsided for now. I may go offline for awhile because this time they are telling my parents that I need a psychiatric hospital and not just a PTSD clinic. I am willing to do whatever it takes to get the hate, sorrow, and lost feelings out of my head. So if I disappear don't worry because I'll be back. :grouphug: sokie

P.S. If your in a violent relationship get out before it makes you live your life standing on the edge and they make you believe you're nuts.

Sokie...we are all sending you our healing thoughts and prayers. Do whatever you need to to help yourself get better. We will be here when you get back. ((Big Hugs)).