Tonight is my first night here. My husband was arrested yesterday for domestic violence against me. I suppose all the stories are the same so I won't go into detail accept to say that I was beaten bad and I filed charges against him- not the state. Maybe some women will find it wrong as he tells me they will, I don't know. I don't know if i did not love him enough or what I did wrong to make him break like he has but I have paid the price and he will pay for what he did to me. Maybe I am looking for someone to tell me that filing, taking the pictures, making the statement against him was the right thing to do- I don't know what I am looking for. The anger inside me is deep and it gets worst everytime I look in the mirror. I'm just really sad. My neighbor tells me I need counseling- I don't see it happening-what if they tell me I need to try to work things out with him? I think I came here for advise.

sokiegirl:

You should not feel bad for pressing charges against him, I feel that was the right thing to do. Any man that puts his hands on a woman is a coward and it will not be the last time. Counseling may not be a bad idea, however; it may bring out feelings and issues about you that you are not ready to deal with, I don't think that they would necessarily tell you to go back, especially under the circumstances. Domestic Violence is a big deal and many women have died from it. Your first instinct is always the right one and I say press charges and get the *** out of there! Good Luck and I will be praying for you. Husband or not when you start putting your hands on me all bets are OFF!

If he is telling you that people will think you are wrong for filing charges he is trying to manipulate you. You absolutely did the RIGHT thing. Don't worry about whether you loved him enough, he did not love you enough if he put his hands on you. I do not think you will find one person here who thinks you did the wrong thing. The wrong thing would be for you to take him back! You will find a lot of support here!

Sokie - the last thing a Domestic Abuse counselor would look to do would be to help you restore the relationship! They don't need extra business. No-one here would think of downing you for reporting him; many of us have done the same thing, for the same reasons. Just because you're married to a man in prison doesn't mean we won't support you for putting him there - some people NEED prison, though we hate to admit it.
Contact your local Domestic Abuse hotline just for some talk. You've probably allowed a lot of controlling crap before this, and you have a right to get it behind you. They can help.
Hugs!

I cried for the first time after reading the replys from you ladies. I am so confused, angry and just sort of lost. I am building up the courage to call the domestic hotline people. I'm not saying I will meet them in person because I am ashamed of the way I look, what he has done to me, but maybe just to talk. Maybe they have ideas on how I can remain in my home and just get on with life.

Hon, they've seen what you look like, it's just that the name was different.
They've seen it, and worse. They will be very calm and professional about it, though you will certainly have their sympathy.

The crying is good - you're finally letting yourself feel. You've been avoiding it for a while, because what you would have to feel was that confusion between who you are and what he called you, between who you are and what he thought of you, between what love is supposed to be like and what he actually gave you.

You just stick with us, kiddo - we'll hug you (long-distance) if you need to cry some more.

Sokie girl, often when a person is the victim of physical abuse by their spouse, they end up blaming themselves. They look in the mirror and they try to find out what they did to bring on the beating. That's the wrong way to look at it. YOU are the victim. By calling the cops on him you affirmed yourself and that is a good thing. You need to get counseling to help you realize how much power you have and how far you can go in your life. I do hope you get help because it can be very useful.

Hugs to you. You did the right thing. Keep your head up no matter what. We will be here for you. NO One has the right to touch you!!

SOKIE GIRL, i HAVE A FRIEND WHO IS IN DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SAYS SHE WILL LEAVE AND NEVER DOES. EVERYONE AROUND HER BELIEVES SHE LIKES THE ABUSE. SHE JUSTIFIES WHY HE DID WHAT HE DID AND STAYS. SAYS I DON'T UNDERSTAND. i HAVE NEVER BEEN HIT NOR WILL I ALLOW THAT EITHER. i BELIEVE WHAT YOU DID WAS RIGHT FOR YOU. i APPLAUD YOU AND SO DO MANY OTHERS DO TOO. ITS SAD TO SAY THAT TOO MANY WOMEN LET WHAT HAPPEN TO THEM BE THEIR FAULTS OR SOMETHING THEY DID WRONG AND STAY WITH THE GUY. iTS NOTHING YOU DID. ITS HIM!!! SO DO NOT FEEL BAD ITS HIM AND NOT YOU

A woman came to talk to me from a shelter last evening. It was strange because I was nervous at first but she made me feel comfortable talking within a little bit. She says the place can help me file in court to have him restrained from returning home, they will help me when I file for divorce and she believes I should go to somekind of group meetings or maybe one on one for counseling. There are many messages on my answering machine from his family. Some say I need to drop charges and bail him out. Some say very mean things about me deserving what I got. Some say it is only the beginning and it will not just be him to do this to me. I have unplugged the house phone and turned off my cellphone. They say it is my fault he is locked away from other people in the jail-somekind of crazy side.I do not come here to whine. I do not like what happened to me and have promised myself that it will not happen again even if it means being by myself for the rest of my life. Thank you for letting me come here to talk and I appreciate this site on the web. It is easy here because I am faceless.

[quote=sokiegirl]A woman came to talk to me from a shelter last evening. It was strange because I was nervous at first but she made me feel comfortable talking within a little bit. She says the place can help me file in court to have him restrained from returning home, they will help me when I file for divorce and she believes I should go to somekind of group meetings or maybe one on one for counseling. There are many messages on my answering machine from his family. Some say I need to drop charges and bail him out. Some say very mean things about me deserving what I got. Some say it is only the beginning and it will not just be him to do this to me. I have unplugged the house phone and turned off my cellphone. They say it is my fault he is locked away from other people in the jail-somekind of crazy side.I do not come here to whine. I do not like what happened to me and have promised myself that it will not happen again even if it means being by myself for the rest of my life. Thank you for letting me come here to talk and I appreciate this site on the web. It is easy here because I am faceless.[/quot


your first step was a very courageous one. in many ways its one that will save your life both physically and mentally. Just keep going about yoru day doing what you want to do as best as you can and KEEP meeting with councelors. its not an easy or short process. As to the people calling you . Turn your phones back on ... when you answer it and it is them the first words out of yoru mouth should be "i am recording this call". They are cowards liek your husband and will stop caling and if that doesnt work pm me and if you give me the number i can have a police officer make arrangements to talk to them . Stay smiling and strong

Keep the recordings of his family's calls - be prepared to take them to court so the restraining order will apply to them too. Stand proud - they have no couuth at all, but you do!

Tonight his sister & brother came to my house drunk. The officers led them off my property and told them I had put a no trespassing on them so if they come again they will arrest them. Tomorrow I will file restraing orders as the shelter tells me I should. It is just somehow unbelievable to me that I stand totally beaten down and they see nothing wrong with the situation. Its not like I was running around on him, not like I didn't take care of him and not like I robbed him as he slept or something. My downfall was I was feeling sick and didn't want to cook or take care of him & his drunk friends. I don't even know why I feel the need to explain. It must be his family calling me names and making me feel like it is my fault he beat me up. It makes no sense. Sorry I am just venting and thinking out loud.

It would not matter if you did do all of the above to him. He had/has NO RIGHT TO HIT YOU EVER!!! As for his family they need to be locked up all so. I would just get POs on them all so. You vent all you want that is what we are here for.

Please take cathy69 advice. Pm her. I think she can also help you.
Do not feel bad at all for what you did, by having him arrested.
Save all those threats if you are recording them, turn them over to the domestic violence people or if you have hired a attorney give them to him for safe keeping. DO NOT let anyone intimadate you!! You count too. You are important also. I am glad you are going forward with this. NO MAN, should ever hit a Lady. We have your best interest at heart. I wish I was close to give you a big warm hug.
Keep your chin up. Do not take any abuse from ANYONE!! Do not open the DOOR for anyone. If its his family call the police.

You're doing great! Don't let anyone EVER call you down. You are standing up for yourself, and for your child's emotional health and safety, and that's all you need to believe.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has responded to me so positively in this. Sometimes setting alone in this house gets to me and I start wondering if I had done this or that different if maybe he wouldn't have done this to us. I say 'us' because I am very large with my baby. His family, well they have their own issues so its best they leave me alone. Sometimes I want to call my mom so bad but the last words from her were 'don't call me when it gets bad' so I won't. So you know other then the people from the shelter and this site I'm alone on trying to figure out the best moves for my child and myself. I'm just thankful that everyone is positive with me here. Thank you.

i agree with cathy totally-they are cowards and once you say "i am recording this call"they will know you are serious.his family is trying to intimidate you to take him bac cuz they dont want to have to deal with hs crazy azz!honey,pull out all the stops and protect yourself.this will blow over and if i were you i still would not socialize with them cuz they got something up their sleeve...and it aint skin.

I wanted to come back here and thank all of you for pming me about calling my parents. (A special hug and thank you to Nimuay) My parents arrived to pick me up early this morning so we will soon be heading home. It was the best thing I'd ever seen when they pulled in front of my house! It had been 22 months since I had contact with them so you know the hugs were long and there were too many "I'm sorry" to counts. You know my husband beat me to crap but it didn't stop my family from loving me just like you guys told me. Thank you for creating this site and I am grateful to those of you who reached out to me. I just wanted to tell you all that I am going home. That everything is looking up. And my baby and myself will be safe from here out. (hugs) sokie

Hi Sokie and welcome to PTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:)

As a former victim of Domestic Violence i wish I had the courage you did to file charges against my ex-batterer. Trust me I am paying the piper now, when I don't want to file for a child support order against him (he does not know I relocated and I don't trust the courts to not tell him where I am at....but I have no "legal" proof of the assaults so it is my word against his-even thought his criminal record of assault and strong arm robbery speaks for itself). So i commend you and all the other women that had the courage to do what I could not. I don't think you were wrong at all to file and you did nothing wrong for him to treat you like this. Like most batterers he probably has issues with power and control. I just hope that you are not like one of the many (including myself) to take him back when he comes out. Let this be the last and only (if it is the first time) that he has the opportunity to put his hands on you.

I am praying for you and I support the decision that you made. I think you are strong for doing so. I would encourage to seek out DV counseling though. It has worked wonders for me and i learned a lot and also alot of things to look out for and avoid. You don't have to be a victim anymore.

Best Wishes:

Lovinkiah

Sokie, great news. It sounds like you are headed in the right direction.

I am so Happy for you. I was just going to say Call your parents!! We might not like what you all do But we always Love you and will be there for you. God Bless you stay strong.

Congrats! Sokie! I am so happy for you! Things look like they will be working out for you! =)

Thanks ladies! I am home now and back in my old bedroom. I had to take a second to wake up this morning to see if I was dreaming or if it was for real when I heard mom laughing in the kitchen. You know, it sure is a wonderful feeling to be able to talk, look someone in the eye and say whats on my mind without worrying about catching the back of someone else's hand. I think I can adjust real quick back into this kind of life. (hugs) sokie

I remember that feeling. It is all most like you can hold your head up for the 1st time in a long time. Like the world has been lifted off your shoulders. I'm happy for you for taking the steps to get help.. Hugs to you

I'm so glad you are out of that situation. You deserve better than what he gave you-so does your baby.

Take care of yourself.

Nance

Thanks ladies! I am home now and back in my old bedroom. I had to take a second to wake up this morning to see if I was dreaming or if it was for real when I heard mom laughing in the kitchen. You know, it sure is a wonderful feeling to be able to talk, look someone in the eye and say whats on my mind without worrying about catching the back of someone else's hand. I think I can adjust real quick back into this kind of life. (hugs) sokie

I know that feeling. And i am used to it now. I will never let anyone take this feeling from me again. Congratulations and good luck Sokie. Never doubt for one second that you did the right thing for yourself and your baby!

I wanted to tell you guys that I went to the doctor this morning and saw my baby. They tell me her heartbeat is strong and she has all signs of being normal, I am so excited. Just a few more months and she will be here. Please pray for her that the oxygen cut off to her- when he choked me -was not long enought to effect her brain or development. Mom tells me that she is sure she is fine and if not we will still be okay raising her. We have been busy getting ready for her, buying clothes, diapers, a babybed. I am so glad I am home! (hugs) sokie

Hon, the choking won't have affected her, but the rush of fear hormones might, a little bit. You will be able to overcome that with the love of your family toward her, and your love, too. The greater your mental health, the better hers will be. So see a counselor, now that you're home, and tie up the loose ends of the sorrow and emotion that remain from his abuse.

Many hugs, and congratulations!

I want to tell everyone that I had my baby April 7th. She weighed in at 4 pounds 1 oz. She is doing well even tho she is 6 weeks early. They say that her lungs aren't developed all the way but all is looking well so far. I am excited and will get to hold her before the week ends. I named her Pamela Ann (Pam, after my friend here *wink*) (hugs) sokie

Aw, Babydoll, I am so happy for you... I didn't see your thread until just now, and I was all set, as I was reading along,to tell you how no one deserves to be hit,his family is wrong to hassle you, it's never ok to have to fear your partner, etc, etc.... and now I get to the present and find that you've done exactly what I pray for for all DV victims... you got your life back and you're in a safe place with people who love you...
For you and young Miss Pamela I wish long years, great joys and small troubles... and try not to let the "night fears" get to you, Pam will be just fine, they are much more able now to care for preemies than was the case in the past... kiss her for us when the Doc's say she's kissable.
Big hugs

Sweetie, I'm glad you're both OK! Congratulations! They're very good at handling the lung development now. When do you think she'll get to come home?

CONGRATULATIONS !!!!!!!
I had to go back and get caught up on your posts. Your baby girl has a mama she could be proud of for dueing(sp) the right thing and protecting her too!
My last daughter was 6 weeks early too at 4lbs. I had to wait a few days to bring her home too. She is almost 3 now and never had more than a sniffle.

sokiegirl Whatever you do, don't blame yourself. You did NOTHING wrong!
These kind of men bllame everyone else for their problems. It's a matter of them not accepting responsibility for their own actions. They want to make you believe that you caused the problem! Don't believe that for one second! As far as his family goes, as they say "THE APPLE DOESN'T FALL FAR FROM THE TREE'. I wonder where he gets it from? That's obvious! Did you ever think that with you out of the picture, then he becomes their problem?! Believe me, that is the last thing that they want! Which is probably the reason that they are attacking and blaming you! They're PO'd. Anyway, everytime I took my ex back, the abuse got worse. Had 2 restraining orders, and dropped them. What a mistake! He begged, pleaded and cried, he was so sorry, loved me, couldn't live without me, would never touch me again, blah, blah, blah. Each time, the abuse got worse. It never gets better. Do what you gotta do!! He has no right to touch you! He wants you to feel guilty. He's the one that is guilty, not you! TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!

Aw, Babydoll, I am so happy for you... I didn't see your thread until just now, and I was all set, as I was reading along,to tell you how no one deserves to be hit,his family is wrong to hassle you, it's never ok to have to fear your partner, etc, etc.... and now I get to the present and find that you've done exactly what I pray for for all DV victims... you got your life back and you're in a safe place with people who love you...
For you and young Miss Pamela I wish long years, great joys and small troubles... and try not to let the "night fears" get to you, Pam will be just fine, they are much more able now to care for preemies than was the case in the past... kiss her for us when the Doc's say she's kissable.
Big hugs

I was thinking exactly the same thing. I hadn't seen this thread before and every time I read a thread in the DV forum I always wonder how it will end. This one ends with a new beginning....a brand new baby girl, born to a mother who cared enough to give her a loving home. Think of the difference it will make for her to come home to the safety and love of her extended family. I am so happy for you, I am at a loss for words.

i am happy for you aND i pray that you always take a stand for yourself...and PAMMY.YOU ARE A SURVIVOR.

Oh Sokie, you so did the right thing...I too lived a life like this for 17 years and had 2 kids from him thinking it would stop someday...Not only did it not stop with me, but all the others he has been with since I moved and divorced him have seen that side of him also...I only wish I had done it sooner so stand tall and strong and remember we are all right here for you...Hugs to you girl...Nothing in life is easy but it can be done so hang in there...How long has this been going on?

It ok to think twice about your actions because right now you are really lonely and upset. Don't let your self-esteem go down because you are not a punching bag. There are a lot of program now in society that are helping women such as yourself get the support and network they need. Do you really think you deserve what you got? The answer in my mind is no, maybe this is your way out from him. Take it and pray. Your husband will come around and just because he is your husband doesn't make this ok or alright. When someone loves you they don't do these type of things. It is call lust and yest husband can lust after their wives, etc and vice versa. Trust me love does not do that. He will say he loves you but look deep inside his soul it will come through his eyes whether they are tearful or not when he speaks. Pray that you have the wisdom to know the difference. Love is pure and guenine not deceit, lust and other things. Trust me on that! Ask your self do you really want to do this again, can your body take it? My mother is dead from an abusive husband maybe not directly but it took its toll and we were young when she passed. Maybe there is a chemical imbalance in your husband if at all he is good one minute and hateful the next. Yes, counseling is good just make sure this is what you want but please Sokiegirl pray get on your knees and mean every single word that you ask GOD. He will do it. I am a living witness for my marriage because he knew I could not do it alone and sometime friends and family can't/want help. He put other people here for you...seek them out! There's nothing like the inner you!

Tonight is my first night here. My husband was arrested yesterday for domestic violence against me. I suppose all the stories are the same so I won't go into detail accept to say that I was beaten bad and I filed charges against him- not the state. Maybe some women will find it wrong as he tells me they will, I don't know. I don't know if i did not love him enough or what I did wrong to make him break like he has but I have paid the price and he will pay for what he did to me. Maybe I am looking for someone to tell me that filing, taking the pictures, making the statement against him was the right thing to do- I don't know what I am looking for. The anger inside me is deep and it gets worst everytime I look in the mirror. I'm just really sad. My neighbor tells me I need counseling- I don't see it happening-what if they tell me I need to try to work things out with him? I think I came here for advise.

Thanks you guys! I was so excited writting this post, it was like getting to tell family (hugs all around). She seems to be doing good so they say maybe by Wed. she can come out of the baby ICU. They let me touch her threw a little hole in the glass so I know she is strong because she holds my finger. They give her breathing treatments every few hours to make her lungs stronger and they say they will take the feeding tube out soon. Anyway I wanted to thank all of you again because with your advise, your talking to me and your support I am still feeling like I did the right thing coming home. And I'm sure some wondered if I called him when she was born...no. I'm still not past the hate thing I'm going threw so I don't figure he cares one way or another if she or I made it. (hugs) sokie
P.S. Judge, I have done alot of praying since he started whipping up on me and prayed twice as hard threw my pregnancy but today I pray for the stength to keep moving forward because I understand NO amount of counseling on his part would ever help him---he doesn't believe there is a problem and will not change. I also pray for the next woman in his life (that she makes it out too). Amen.

They look so tiny and frail in those incubators! It can steal the breath from your body, to see all the tubes and lines, and the tiny little veins in the minute little arms and legs.
What made me cry was to see my incredibly tiny (just over 1 pound) grand-daughter in her father's big hands as she lay sleeping on his chest (she could spend a few minutes out of the incubator at a time).

Sokie, you'll move forward, because now you have a stake in the future. Pammy will drag you with her as she grows.

I got to hold her this morning! I just had to tell you all- someone - anyone - everyone....haha. Her weight gain is going very slow but its coming along :-) And I have to admit to all of you that during those few minutes I had a lot of regrets about what happened and what I allowed to effect my daughter. She is so innocent & defenseless in all of this abuse that went on between her father and myself, looking at me with those little eyes. I guess I'm saying that I am angry and have alot of regrets about not getting out before this last beating. I'm mad at myself when I see the tubes running into her arms and legs, the oxygen mask on her face and up until now my only contact with her thru a small hole in the glass. I keep asking myself how could I have placed a man saying he loved me above the well being of my daughter? Its crazy isn't it? Just know everyone that it will never happen again. sokie

((((sokiegirl)))) I am so excited that you got to hold little Pamela! I know you have mixed feelings of joy and regret about your past, but you are on the right track, don't waste time looking back. Just be sure you never go down that road again. I remember the first time I saw a preemie and I thought surely this child is too small to be in this great big world, but that little girl turned out just fine and so will your precious daughter. It is amazing how they can look so fragile but be so perfect. Her little lungs will develop and she will gain weight and you will both be just fine. She is a miracle, created by God and she is yours. We want pictures:D

Sokie, coming from a man this may not mean much to you for wht you have been through. I pray for you and your little baby girl that things will turn out good for you both. I as a man am one that does not believe in raising a hand to a woman. I may be wrong but in my eyes God created woman as one of the most beautiful creatures of this earth. Soft, warm, tender,caring,and loving. How can anyone be mean and cruel to such a wonderful work of art? I have never been able to understand it. I had a tear of joy when I read you were back home and now Little Pam is starting to get better. God has a plan for you and now that you have put the abuse behind you maybe that plan will come to light. God bless you

Sokie - yes, one way to look at it is that you have a lot of regrets. The other way is that you gathered all your strength, and you made a move that will protect your daughter from the most early and pernicious evil. You did it though you were afraid, though you were in pain and torment, when you were alone. That is bravery, and not to be regretted at all. Unfortunately, it is only through the abjectly awful times that we learn our strength and worth. Good times don't do that for us.
Hug my girl for me when you can!

Pamela has a cold they tell me and has lost 4 ounces since Saturday. She has to remain in ICU and things are back to just watching her threw glass. Just wanted to tell you guys so keep her in your prayers please. sokie

It goes like that, kiddo. My grand-daughter spent 3 months in the incubator, and her birth weight was 1 lb 6 oz. She dropped below 1 lb. in the first week! She gained irregularly after that, and occasionally dropped a few ounces again.
It's a slower process than we would wish. But it all comes out right eventually. Give it time. Hugs!

Thanks Nimuay, I'm trying to be light hearted, hopeful and spend time with her everytime they will allow me in with her. Maybe I'm just wanting things to move along faster and then I get scared when they tell me they are trying to keep her cold from turning to more. She sleeps ALOT. But let me tell everyone again...I am so thankful to be home so we aren't doing this alone. (hugs) sokie

Sokiegirl
After all you have been through I know you will with the aid from God find the strength to endure this one more set back. Little Pamela and you are in all our prayers. God bless you

I pm'ed Pamela's namesake earlier to let her know that Pamela is having a hard time. I'm told in the hospital that pnemonia (spelling sorry) is normal in having your child too early and so is weight loss but we are going threw it too. She is down too 3 pounds now, sleeps alot, has breathing treatments every few hours and I only see her threw glass again. I don't write this for pity or sorrow but maybe if there is another pregnant woman or one with children to stop and pay attention. Pam and me - we made it out but maybe not in time. Please don't let this happen to you or yours...not for any man, not for any reason, not even if you think there is hope he might change down the road. Don't let it happen please. Be smarter then me and don't believe anyone that says they love you but rises their hand to you because they aren't worth it. sokie

Wow Sokie....

Your stregnth through all of this is incredible. I'm praying extra hard for you and Pam. Please keep us updated.

((((sokie & Pamela)))

You are truly in my prayers. Sokie you know that this is in God's hands. I'm praying for you to remain strong and for Pamela to grow stronger everyday. Keep the faith.

I posted in the prayer section that was started for my daughter but wanted to let everyone here know that Pamela has not lost any weight in 3 days...I'm so happy. They've explained to me in the hospital that she isn't out of the woods yet but I feel things are looking up and am so relieved. I just wanted to share some good news for a change. (hugs) sokie

Hey, Sokie! That's very good news indeed. Now she's halfway up too!

Wahoo...way to go Pamela! Sokie, I know you are relieved. I really do think of you often and continue to send prayers and good thoughts your way. Thanks for keeping us posted.

You are doing the right thing.Fight it till the fight is over.Always remember at least you are alive to fight and to make sure he never does this again to u or any one else.Good luck with everything going on in your life.Some days are eaiser than others,but you are strong you will survive.Again good luck and take care

I wanted to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers. Pamela is alot better now and we hope to have her out of the baby ICU by Monday. She has had her feeding tube removed and is eating from a bottle now, her lungs are almost clear and she is gaining weight. They let me hold her everyday and I feel her getting stronger. I am so excited! Maybe in a week or two I can bring her home and put all the bad stuff behind us. I found out this week that my husband accepted a plea agreement for assaulting us so he is going to prison for 5 years in California. I just wanted to share with everyone that things really are looking up for us and again thank you for your prayers because God is answering them. ((hugs)) sokie

(((sokie))) you just made my day!

Thank you Inhouse ((hugs))! It makes my day when I come home and see all the thoughts and prayers for us. I'm not making it up when I tell you sometimes I'd come home so depressed but seeing that everyone wasn't giving up like me in writting- it sort of helped pull me threw to see hope in writting--do you know what I'm saying? And their were some really scarey days for me. Thanks everyone for pulling for us. sokie

Wow I am so glad I came back to this thread. What a wonderful success story. This is proof that God does answer prayers. sokie; congratulations on moving forward and hopefully you will get to take that loving little bundle of joy home soon. God bless you

Thanks Krummy! I am very excited and have found that I need to have faith and God in my life--more then ever before. I think we must have had a angel watching over us when things went bad because its unbelievable to me sometimes that I walked away from this man. I have alot of plans now for Pamela and me, positive plans I'd like to add. I feel like I got my second chance when they told me her lungs were clearing. From this point on I will do whatever I have to so she is never harmed by anyone again. (hugs) sokie

God bless you and your sweet little baby Pamela. He always takes care of us.((((((HUGS))))))

Pamela was taken out of ICU and they tell me I can bring her home Friday afternoon after I finish the classes on how to take care of her special needs. I am so excited! All test show that she is normal and they say her brain activity is right so I am so relieved. I now get to dress, hold and feed her all the time. I just wanted to tell you all that she IS coming home! (hugs) sokie

Wonderful news!! God bless you both!!

~Sokie~
I just wanted to tell you that I'm so happy for you and Pamela that you may be home on Friday!!
Love and prayers for you both always!
Girl, you're gonna be okay! You'll see. It's hard sometimes with a medically-challenged child, but (from experience) it makes the good times so much sweeter, and more precious and appreciated.
~Karyne~

OK Sokie....you know what that means!!!!! We want photos....lol!!! I know you had other things to worry about and I wasn't sure what they would allow it in ICU but once you get her home it's time for pictures. It's only fair since we have all adopted her....she's got more cyber grandmothers and aunties than any kid I know. I am so excited for you and so glad that this story has a happy ending. Actually, it's a beginning, not an ending because you are just starting on this journey with your little side kick! Thank goodness you got rid of the villain in the very first chapter and now it's all about you and Pamela. You should print this thread and hide it away someplace really safe and give it to her when she has her first baby. It's such a great story of how hard times and struggles can turn to joy and triumph. Your love and faith came shining through even in the hard times. Keep on keeping on Sokie!

Today is the first that I found this thread. Wow. Sokie you have such strength! Stregth I'm sure you didn't even know you had. I may be new to the story, but I'm a cyber auntie too :D I'll keep checking back and keep on keeping on.:thumbsup:

You will see pictures...probably more than you want. (haha) Every day I get a little more excited and I won't even tell you how my mom is... My father held her for the first time last evening--he looked like a big bear with a bottle of hunny. Its their first granchild so they crack me up. But I am truly happy and now that I know Pam is going to be okay we are making arrangements to have my eye socket fixed so I will look normal again. Yahooo! I just want to put it all behind me and try to move on--not that I will ever forget. And I might do as suggested and save this thread for Pamela for when she is grown so she understands just how much everyone wanted her around and the support she recieved from all her cyber-grannies and aunts. And you too Krummy...haha (hugs to you all) sokie

I brought my baby home last night! It was an awsome feeling to hold her and watch the sun come up this morning...our first sunrise together at home.(haha) We just rocked and rocked in that old chair. Anyways I just wanted to share with you that we are both home now so there are 2 survivors you can add to your list. Woohooo cyber grandma's and aunties, we made it home! (hugs) sokie

What wonderful news! Happy, Happy, Happy!! CONGRATULATIONS FROM AUNTIE BONDSAI from Florida!!!!:wave: :yay: :clap: :grouphug: :grouphug: :heart: :love: :) :thumbsup:

((hugs)) Auntie Bondsai!!! Its a wonderful site seeing her sleep her beside me! No nurses! No doctors! No needles! Not taking any more blood! I love being home with my baby!!! sokie

Wahoo!!!!!

Ooops, sorry, I hope I didn't wake her....lol.

It has been so wonderful to read your updates as they happened. You and little Pamela have undoubtably been in the prayers of many, many people that you will never know and many of us are breathing a sigh of relief now that she is home. Keep in mind that posts on PTO stay here forever and you will never know how many people will come through here in the future and read this wonderful story. Any woman who is struggling to leave an abusive relationship, that is lucky enough to find this thread, will surely find strength and hope through your story. Thank you again for having the courage to come here and let us witness this miracle.

Now....where's my PICTURES????

How wonderful!! Hugs to both of you.

~Sokie~
I'm so very happy for you!!! :clap: :yay: :grouphug:
Welcome home to you and baby!
I knew you'd make it through together!
God bless!
~Karyne~
:love:

Wow! I had been reading another thread about you and your baby, but this is the first time I read this thread. you have been through hell and you are a hero for what you have done! Don't EVER let anyone tell you you're not! You and your beautiful baby have all my love and respect. My best wishes to you and pamela and your mom and dad. (that is soooo cute!)

Love,
V

Hey, girl, I'm in this same situation right now. My husband hit me in front of our 6 year old son on Mother's Day and I filed charges and a protective order against him. He is out right now but cannot come within 1000feet of either of us. Of course he did no wrong, he is the wronged one, but he knows that he can't put the blame on me, because I won't let him. He has done this two times before, I tried to make this work, but to no avail. He will tell you that he is sorry, but don't believe him. The more he does it, the worst things will become. A man that hits a woman is no man at all. He's a coward. Get out and stay out. That is what I am doing. There are other good fish in the sea, but for right now be by yourself inorder for you to come to terms with the situation. It hurts to let go of a marriage, but God would want you to be happy and not miserable. That has always been my look on life and more so now, especially for the sake of my son. Let it go, don't let anyone tell you that you are to blame. Walk tall and hold your head up.

Thanks coffeemaker, I am taking yours and everyone else's advise on this site and I just keep trying to move forward. ((hugs)) In the beginning I missed him and it played with my mind that maybe if I had done things different he wouldn't have beat me up but looking back I did try. I changed everything about me twice over and it wasn't ever good enough for him. And if I did everything right then he made up things in his mind to make it okay to hit me. It was a no win situation. My divorce will be final in July...I think we should have a party! (haha) Since he did plead out and admit his guilt to abusing our unborn child and myself I walk away with all assets in California. I will fight him to the end with his own money to strip him of his parental rights over our daughter...that makes her just mine :-) But the downside is it has effected me deep inside and I guess I will never be that little 16 year old girl he romanced a few years back. It has made me a different kind of person and sometimes I catch myself thinking like him...thats scarey. So lets say they are earning their money to try to fix me. ((hugs)) sokie

Hi Sokie I know where you're coming from. I am riding the emotional roller coaster. I can feel myself get a bit stronger each day, but it is going to take awhile. Most people don't understand. They say, "You aren't over him yet?!" Like ok, you've been away from him so get over it! I wish it were that simple. I, like you, questioned myself about, maybe if I did this or that, but believe me, I did everything I could have done. I shouldn't have bothered, it all was a waste of time. I changed everything I could, but he would just look for anything to start over. And yes, I have also changed. Remember Weezer in Steel Magnolias, "I ain't as sweet as I used to be!" That's how I feel! It is good though, because I will never, ever again find myself in that situation! I will never be controlled, used or abused by another man ever again!

Pamela was admitted back into ICU Saturday night because of her lungs. She is back to sleeping long periods and this time they tell me it is effecting her heart. They have her on alot of new machines, ones I have never seen before. She is a fighter for sure but I think she is growing tired. Keep her in your prayers please. sokie

I imagine how worried you must be. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Like you said she's a fighter...a surviver just like her mom!
:grouphug:

Sweetie, my granddaughter was home for about two weeks when she officially "died"! My son had to do CPR on her, and then they rushed her to the hospital. She had to stay for a couple of weeks. Then she came home for the LAST time, and has never gone back. She's 4 now, and I started teaching her to ride a month ago :-].
Don't give up yet!
And go get your eye fixed! It's the last big thing stopping your healing . . .
Hugs all around (Mom and Dad, too)!!!

Hey, girl, I just went back and read this whole thread from the beginning. . . do you realize how short a time you've been here? Two and a half months! All of this has happened in such a short time, and you're much healthier already. You give it a little more time, a year, and you will have so much happiness under your belt, with a baby starting to walk, with your face healed, with so much to be happy for!
Every now and then, I cry for you, because I could not afford to cry for myself when I went through it.
We all learn the same lesson, and some day, you will cry for someone else, if you're lucky, with the joy I feel for you in the safety of your parents' home. When Pammy's better again, all the more to cry with joy about.

(((Sokie))) I'm sorry to hear that things have gotten rocky again. One good thing that I have noticed is that you and the doctors are right on top of things. Your maternal instincts are strong and you have done a great job keeping a watchful eye on her and knowing when to take her back to the hospital. That's a huge blessing that you are able to get her the medical care that she needs. It is just going to take a little longer for her to get strong than you (we) had hoped. Like Nimuay, I have seen the most fragile infants grow to be healthy children. She will make it through this difficult time and grow to be strong and healthy. I know that you are both tired, it's been a long struggle. But hang in there Sokie. You are in our thoughts and prayers. :grouphug:

Sokie I am so sorry that this is happening to you and baby Pamela. We are all praying for you both. God sent her to you for a reason, so I'm sure He will bring her through it and soon she will be back home with you.

I wanted to come here tonight to thank all of you for praying for Pamela and myself. Without all of you I don't think I could have made it the past few months. All of your thoughts and prayers helped us--no one can ever tell me anything different. Pamela fought but her time here on Earth was a struggle from the beginning so God sent his angels for her early this morning. I don't believe she suffered because as her organs shut down she went into a deep sleep until her heart quit. My family and were with her so she wasn't alone. Uh. I don't know that I am okay but they have me drugged so I don't cry as much. I probably won't be back for awhile. I just thought you guys shoud know. I am sorry Pam. sokie

I'm so so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you!!!!

Hugs, honey - whatever you might need, just ask.

I guess I just came back to talk to my friends tonight. Yes I am supose to be asleep, they tell me that what I need to do. I miss Pam more then anyone will ever know. I spent many months carrying her and then a few trying to hold on to her. Its still unreal to me. I am having a hard time letting go and more then a hard time accepting it. They tell me that I hav to give her back in one more day and then move on again with my own life. She was a part of me. I was looking at what I had wrote these past few months and its crazy that our lifes are on this site for whoever to see. You guys shared my misery and my joy, you guys helped me get out when I didn't no what I should do. To some i will look like a loser and to others they will undertand. My God I can't believe I have to bury my baby. I probably won't ever come back here agian becuase I can't handle it. I made alot of friends here and will mis you but I dont want to answer questions or try to make someone else believe that things are going to be ok. I have lost all hope/belief/faith/and a sense of belonging. I pray it doesnt happen to anyone else but I am sure it will. May God bless everyone who stood beside us.sokie

(((Sokie))) It is very hard to respond to you because I would like so badly to find magic words to make you feel better, but I cannot. I can’t begin to imagine how sad you feel and how much you miss Pamela. I’ve read this thread from the beginning many times and wish every time that I could change the ending. But every time I read it I am struck by the genuine out pouring of love that the PTO members demonstrated for you and Pam. In the time that we have known you, you have shown such courage, such heart. Posting your story here was so courageous and you have touched many hearts. I know that other women who have been harmed by domestic violence will come along in the future and learn from your struggle. You were trapped in a very harmful relationship and you had the strength to get out. It is so unfortunate that such physical harm was done before you found your way. No one here will ever judge you or feel negatively towards you, we have cheered you on from the beginning and will continue to do so. You were the victim here and now you are the survivor. Pamela was a blessing in your life and in her short time here on earth, she taught you so much. She taught you the value of love and of life and she helped reunite you with your family. She would want you to continue to grow stronger and to move forward with your life. We all want that for you Sokie. We know it is so hard right now and that you are so heartbroken, it is hard to believe that things will get better, but they will. This is a tragedy that you should not try to walk through on your own. I hope that you will get grief counseling and that you will seek guidance in healing from this. You need to heal physically, emotionally and spiritually. It will not be easy and it will take time, a lot of time and willingness on your part. When you turn the corner and begin to recover, I hope that you will find a way to continue to honor Pamela by helping other women who are in similar situations. Your life has value and you can be a blessing for others. Please know that you matter to us and that you remain in our hearts and in our prayers. Take care Sokie.

To some i will look like a loser and to others they will undertand.

I have lost all hope/belief/faith/and a sense of belonging.

Sokie, Hi. You don't really know me but when I had a problem and put it on PTO, your post in response to me helped me to do the right thing.

I have read your story here and I certainly have never considered you a loser in any way!!! Quite the opposite!! I think your a hero, I mean that.

I can imagine that you do feel a loss of hope/belief/faith right now. I understand that. I hope that these things return to you along with many other good things because I can't think of anyone more deserving of good things in life than you are.

You are in my prayers,

Lisarae

This just makes me feel that anything else is just so unimportant. I am so very sorry.

Man, I am in tears at work for your loss. I cannot imagine how you feel. I am VERY SORRY for your loss. I'm sure she is in a better place now where she can rest & be happy now. I hope you take care of yourself. You are in my prayers.

Sweetie, you know how I feel about all of this - it's devastating. But in another light, Pammy did exactly what she needed to do on this earth - she made you strong enough to leave. She saved your life, and that was enough for her. Now honor that, and make that life she saved one that is really worth living. Belong, laugh, cry, find a way . . . talk to the people at the hospital and find a bereavement group of other moms who have lost their babies, because as alone as you feel, there are others - you will all be there in the sadness and you will carry each other through.

I am at a loss for words.
Im so very sorry for your loss.
Im also happy for your gains. I loved what Nimuay said above about your daughter saving your life. I beleive that is true.
God Bless you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I wish I could make it better someway.

Sweetie, you know how I feel about all of this - it's devastating. But in another light, Pammy did exactly what she needed to do on this earth - she made you strong enough to leave. She saved your life, and that was enough for her. Now honor that, and make that life she saved one that is really worth living. Belong, laugh, cry, find a way . . . talk to the people at the hospital and find a bereavement group of other moms who have lost their babies, because as alone as you feel, there are others - you will all be there in the sadness and you will carry each other through.

AMEN! Sokie...I am so sorry. I cannot imagine what you are going through but if it helps anyone out there, I pray that makes you a tad bit stronger. Sokie...I am praying for you, please hang in there.

~Sokie~
I'm real worried about you too!
If you ever want to talk, PM me your email...I'll send you mines too. We are all worried and care about what you're going through. Don't give up, get weak, or backslide! You come too far, Sweetie!
((((HUGS))))
~Karyne~

I have to admit I come here when I am alone. There are alot of people around me at this time, you know going threw the motions of trying to amke me feel better and believe Pam left because she needed too. Reaching out to me on this site probably effects me more because I see its from the heart. I go to Pam's grave everyday and just sit. The people arond me don't believe this is good for me but...I have recieved many pm's from other mothers who have lost their babies. ((hugs)) to each and everyone of you because I know the pain you hit. They are starting to try to contact me from different groups- domestic violence and mothers who have lost their children. I recieved a letter from Pam's father telling me that I am on my own and to raise her as I see fit. I guess he is out of the loop. I am just kind of emotional, miss her more then anyone knows but I think I will be ok. I just wanted to touch base tonight to tell everyone that I am still here (even with the threat that I was gone) I probably am not right but I am lurking in the shadows and will be back. Love sokie

I read the sad news about Pam on another thread, and of course at times that matter most I have no words. Someone else said it best, I think. It makes everything else seem so unimportant. You are one of the strongest women I have ever met. And I am not that young either. I say this from my heart. you really are, and you may not think so at the moment, but you really are. You are in my thoughts. All my love,
v

Honey, I haven't lost a child, but I listened to my son, on the phone one night, about his little preemie daughter. I heard this stark horror and despair in his voice as he talked about her lying dead in his arms, and how he had to do CPR for her to bring her back. Which, bless them, the hospital had required everyone to learn before they would release her. I knew the colors of my son's voice, but not those colors. I hope never to hear them again. . .
One more hug to you for tonight . . .
Nim

Sokie I was so glad to look on here and see a message from you. I am so glad to hear that you are coping. I am also glad to hear that all those other mothers reached out to you. I do not have children, so I cannot say that i know what this is like for you. I was worried about you and it is a relief to hear you doing as well as you are, and that you have support.
love and hugs,
Lisarae

I guess I am here to vent again. I have been going to grief management among other things. Coming home everyday seeing her belongings is killing me inside so last night I started boxing them up. My mom tried to do it a few days after she was gone but I went nuts so she left me alone to deal with it. You know I don't know what to do with her things? I for sure wouldn't want to give them to another baby because what if it caused something terrible to happen to another family. I can't throw it away because it was Pamela's. I can't look at it because it drives me nuts. This moving on stuff really sucks. sokie

Put them away in a box in a closet so that way they are away but if you feel strong enough or sad or anything you still have them to go threw them. If you are not ready to get rid of them yet dont force yourself. I love my first love (i know its a little different) in Jan of 05 and i have a box of all his stuff in my closet. I also lost my little sister in 97 who was only 3 and my mom kept her bed and all her stuff the same for many many years it wasnt until she felt ready that she put the stuff away and she still has stuff of my sisters.

If you're doing grief counseling, then you know the stages. Just let it be until the letting go stage is bearable.
You won't curse the next baby, you know. Babies die for a lot of reasons, but not one has died of a curse. And someone will be very glad to have things (perhaps the hospital would be a good place to give them to - they know that some mothers have nothing).

Hugs always.

Sokie
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
You are in my thoughts and prayers everyday.
Don't give away Pamela's things just yet. Wait until you are ready.
I agree with Nimuay, when you are ready to pass her things onthey won't carry anything negative to another baby.

I believe they will only carry the love that you feel for your sweet Pamela.

(((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))
When I give away clothes or belongings now I take them to the local women's shelter. I remember when the girls and I stayed there how comforting it was to be able to get clothes and blankets.
I like to think that when I take things to the shelter, I am giving something back.

Thanks for the tips and advise on what to do with her things. I think I am just depressed today. I am in grief counseling and they tell me that there are stages--I just seem to be moving slowly. I have an appointment to start getting my eye fixed on the 10th of July so maybe that will help me :confused: . I cried for the first time in my domestic violence counseling...I'm still not sure if it was anger or letting go alittle. I hate my soon to be ex-husband, flowers were delievered from his family yesterday to show me they understand I lost Pamela...this anger is a bad thing and I have a hard time controlling and venting it right. So do you guys know what that means? More counseling....Thanks for letting me come here. ((hugs)) sokie

Sweet one - who told you anger was bad? Christ himself was sometimes an angry man.
You have every right to be angry. Steaming, boiling, pizza-oven hot! What you don't have is a right to be angry forever. . .or at everyone. At the same time, you have to believe that anger also has stages, just like the grieving. Yours will take quite a while to get through the stages, especially when you throw all the anguish and questions about Pammy into the mix. You may have a year of this turmoil still to go through, so don't be setting time-tables on the "right" feelings to have at any given time. They get mixed, they don't always come exactly the way you think they should, but give it time. Think about how long this relationship took. The healing will be about that long. . . and that still leaves a huge chunk of enjoyable, even lyrically happy life. When you're ready.

My domestic violence counselor tells me that my anger is not good. She tells me I need to quit focusing on the past and try to move on for the sake of myself and others around me. She seems to believe that since I am angry enough not to have contact with Pamela's father that I should keep a small amount of it but I should not change my whole facial expression when his name is mentioned. I don't know. I know that this counseling is supose to help me but I do not want to go back. How can she tell me what I am supose to feel when she hasn't lost what i have. And I don't mean that to sound childish but sometimes books aren't all they tell you they are supose to be. How can we go to page 47 in our textbook and then tell me that "okay sokie today you are going to let go of all those harsh feelings because as long as you have them he still has control of you" it makes no sense to me. Heck Nim you make more sense to me and I have never layed eyes on you. I am not looking for sympathy or someone to tell me I have my thoughts together but I don't like it when this woman looks threw her glasses at me and tells me what the right feelings are and how I need to get there. Maybe I am just being childish or really do have the anger issues she keeps pointing out.((hugs)) sokie

first ((((((((( Hugs)))))))))
if this person makes you feel that way and you dont feel like shes helping are there other counseling opportunties available to you in your area. Maybe you just need to find the right person and the right environment to heal or do what ya need to do for you.... Just my two cents... Either way hang in there and remember were all here for you no matter what....

Hon, ask her why you're supposed to be on THAT timetable. Ask her why you should be over your anger when it's only been 3 months, during which you had and lost a baby, lost your home and your marriage. How does her timetable put that into the equation? Where is individual variation?
Ask for a different counselor - too much book and not enough experience.
Or try meditation. You can even do it yourself. Your face isn't the first thing that reacts - there's somewhere else in your body that does. It might be your left hand, or your gut, or a muscle on the side of your neck. Or anything else. Find that reaction and use it - tense it, relax it. over and over. Then talk with your mom or dad about what's happened to you. Let them know exactly what you're doing and why, so they can stay with you through this. Start. Slowly. Noticing that muscle. Stop. Relax it. Go on. Notice again. Stop. Relax. Tense it deliberately and then relax. Go on. Or find someone who can teach you in person. What it begins to show you is how to get OUT of the anger, rehearsing relaxing, instead of the anger.

Anger is something that you don't deal with on schedule. It's not like "Well, all the ice cream is gone, so I won't eat any more". It's more like "Yes, there's ice cream in the fridge, but I don't need to eat it now."

YOU ABSOLUTELY DID THE RIGHT THING!!! DO NOT DOUBT THAT!!! YOU ARE TOO IMPORTANT TO LET ANY MAN, LET ALONE, A MAN WHO IS SUPPOSED TO LOVE YOU TO LAY HIS DIRTY HANDS ON YOU!! PLEASE CONTACT YOUR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CENTER AND GET COUNSELING!! PLEASE DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM EVER!!! you can PM me anytime you need to talk. I am here for you!!

Since you guys have went threw everything else with me I want to update you. I leave in a few hours so I can check into the hospital by midnight for eye surgery. They are going to rebuild my eye socket and try to fix the nerve damage done when I was beaten. I am excited and a little nervous but hopefully at this time tomorrow I will start to look normal again, they say it could take up too 3 times in surgery to get it right but hopefully I will have about 40% of my sight back. :)
I just wanted to tell you guys because I lurk in here daily and I don't want anyone thinking I went back to my husband or something happened to me. See you guys Thursday or Friday. ((hugs)) sokie

Good luck to you and God bless. You are a survivor not a victim.

Good luck with your surgery! I am sure you will be more beautiful than what you are already...You are still in my prayers as is Pamela... Have a good week.

Your strength in yourself amazes me and good luck to you on your upcoming surgurey. =)

(((sokie))) that is wonderful news. I'm so glad you are getting started on your reconstruction. Even though there may be several steps to the process, and it will take some time, you will feel so much better when it is completed. I really hope that they can get your sight back and that the cosmetic aspect goes well too. Taking care of yourself has an immediate result of raising your self esteem and the process itself will empower you. Removing the physical evidence of the abuse is going to help you heal emotionally as well. Don't be discouraged if the first round isn't perfect, it takes what it takes when it comes to reconstructive surgery. Even in some of your saddest posts I have always felt that you would be OK. You are a strong woman and you are on your way to a new life. Best wishes on your surgery. We will look for you to come back with an update as soon as you are able. (((hugs)))

awww...good luck with your surgery sokie! Im sure a tiny angel with wings will be watching over you throughout the process!

As for the counseling. Been there done that. I also had a counselor that tried to tell me how I should feel. He didnt give me a timetable but just the same unless he has gone through torment and abuse he cant tell you how you should feel. Everyone deals with tragedy in different levels and stages. It was the last time I saw that counselor.

Prayers are with you!

Sokie, everyones grief is different. I too lost a baby, a little girl. If she had lived she would have been 21 this year. I think about her often and still cry for her. The pain is always there but i have learned to deal with it.
I have since had other children and they know about their sister. They believe that she is their angel.
No one can tell you that your anger is wrong. I belive that anger is part of grief. I agree with some of the ladies, box up her things and put them away till you are ready. In time looking at some of her things will bring back good memories and even peace rather than pain. Go at your own pace. Your feelings are you own and only you can determine what is right or wrong. we are all here for you. I keep you in my prayers.

I just made it home, I look pretty bad but we will see when they unwrap me...((hugs)) sokie

Hugs to you!!

I just made it home, I look pretty bad but we will see when they unwrap me...((hugs)) sokie

Looking bad right now is to be expected, it's just part of the process. You are making an investment in your future by going through this now and it will be well worth it. I'm glad that you are home and OK. Just take it easy and be good to yourself. Stay in touch....in case you haven't figured it out....WE CARE...LOL!!!!:grouphug:

I just want to say I think you are brave and courageous and you will be in my prayers that God will continue to bestow favor and mercy in your direction and that He will give you strength to come out of this as strong and beautiful as you were before both inside and out.

Thanks you guys! ((hugs))
I still look bad but they say when the swelling, bruises and cuts heal that I will begin to look normal again :) . I am very excited about having matching cheeks and eye sockets again. Maybe when I start looking better it will come easier for me to look at other people in their eyes. The eye doctor thinks I may have to have a few more surgerys and lazers done but we are very hopeful about regaining more sight. Anyways just checking in with my online family and friends. ((hugs)) sokie

sokiegirl!! You have come a long way sweetie. I am sure you are beautiful, I see it thru your post. You take care of you. I send a big hug to you.

hi sukie ive just joined today and read your story so glad u seem to be on the mend i unfortunately am not i broke a bone in my back escaping my partner who i no i shouldnt but still deeply love i spent 8 days flat on my back in hospital and now wear a back brace for another few weeks i guess ,so am quite house bound im also still in contact with my partner paul his trial date isnt until sept 28th so im just sitting here going kinda stir crazy until i can visit i really dont no what my future holds all i no at this precise moment in time i miss him so much and yes he deserves to be in jail but for months not years but there trying to lock him up for years and am so scared they will i dont no what to do and the dvu have been terrible and totally dont understand me if they stop my visits i would just crumble to pieces , well anyway whats done is done going back to hospital next week so hopefully can tell me whats gonna happen with my back for the future kind regards pies x.:angry:

Girl, you have battered wife syndrome. It's what they call when you're feeling what you feel. You did NOTHING wrong, and there isn't a counselor in the world that will tell you to "work things out", they will tell you that you did the right thing and to stay away and not let his words get to you like that. You loved him enough, now it's time to love yourself. COunseling will be very good for you, it will help you to understand why you stayed in that type of abuse, why we choose those type of men, and why we allow them to choose US! It will help open a new outlook on yourself and you'll start to feel better about you and know that you deserve better because YOU DO! you're going thru mixed emotions right now. If he tries to get you to bail him out or whatever, don't do it!! because later down the road he'll do it again. He'll apologize at first and we fall for it, then he beats us again! It's a neverending game and it doesn't change unless he gets help. Most men don't get help because they're too busy blaming us. Feel free to private message me if you'd like. I totally understand what you're going thru. Altho this year when I put him in I didn't feel like that anymore. I was fed up and disgusted with him and wanted him away from us. I've been beat by most the guys I've been with and I'm not any younger and I just can't take it anymore. enough is enough...God Bles!!

Thanks you guys! ((hugs))
I still look bad but they say when the swelling, bruises and cuts heal that I will begin to look normal again :) . I am very excited about having matching cheeks and eye sockets again. Maybe when I start looking better it will come easier for me to look at other people in their eyes. The eye doctor thinks I may have to have a few more surgerys and lazers done but we are very hopeful about regaining more sight. Anyways just checking in with my online family and friends. ((hugs)) sokie

Hi Sokiegirl.....you don't know me but I would feel honored to be a part of your recovery and support system....I have read all your posts and I am so amazed by your courage....I am so sorry you lost your baby, but I believe as Nim said she served a very important purpose in your life...God Bless you, girl...

The comments you have made about your counselor's are very provocative. Here's what I know about the process your in...it is tremendously difficult. When you talk about a counselor pushing you to move forward...she may be off....but you won't know if you don't assert yourself and check it out with her.....see the lesson....find your voice, don't run away until you have all the information. She maybe trying to help you use your voice to stand up for yourself. You won't know if you don't try...

The other comment about the counselor that used you as an example of what can happen. I can imagine that this was truly a difficult moment. And what came up for you was "shame"....shame says I am bad, I am the problem.....yada, yada, yada....There is no shame for you to own in what happened....Shame on your ex.....he is the bad guy not you....You can learn to hold your head up and feel confident in knowing that....this will take time.....

You are doing everything you need to be doing....getting your eye fixed...that's important and also takes time....facing all these intense feelings is difficult....Sokie....just don't give up five minutes before the miracle....meaning what you can't see (no pun intended...lol) or understand right now will be revealed to you if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other and show up....

Take care Sokie....you are loved and cared about....I haven't even talked to you and I feel that way....and I can see so many others do as well....:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: to you....~Cat

Today my divorce became final. I have to admit to you that my attorney was good and I walked away with everything so I can sell out what we had to pay on Pamela's birth and funeral. Also I went to the doctor and most of my larger bandages were removed. My face is still looking really bad but they say they will teach me to apply makeup to hide the scars and everything should blend with my skin tone within the next few months.
I saw the posts above me and want to tell everyone I appreciate the love and concern everyone shows for me. In a way it makes me sad to see Pamela's and my life in black and white but there are alot of good memories so I am glad I posted. But I also have to be straight up with everyone and admit when I came to this site it was because I thought it had inmates online and I wanted to hear something bad was going to happen to who hurt us. I know it isn't right but thats why I ended up here. I have to believe that God or something was looking out for me that day because without everyone telling me I was going to be okay and to get out I probably would have eventually bailed him out and been stuck in that mess still today. I was alone in California and totally dependent on what he said and did.
And I hear you Cat, maybe down the road I will find my voice but for now I just want to get lost in the croud and be left alone. The counselor called my mother to tell her that she didn't mean to hurt or shame me but that she felt others could learn from my experiences. I don't know what to say or think about it but my mom is on me to attend another meeting. She believes I need to stand up for myself and if I want to tell the counselor to go to hell then thats what I need to do--she believes me saying something is better then me saying nothing at all. Thats her opinion about it anyway.
I don't know but I am sorry that I am rambling. ((hugs)) sokie

Sokie.........you have a very wise mother......congratulations on the beginning of your new life.....(((((hugs))))).....~Cat

Sokie I don't know you and you appear to be so sweet. You hang in there and go to those meetings with your head held high. I think the counsler made a bad judgement call but I don't think she meant any harm. Now that she knows your feelings I am sure she will respect them. However if the meetinsg are too much right now, then give it some time and go when you are ready.

You are an Angel and Allah (God) has great things in store for you.

Sokie congrats on the divorce, that is a big step. I hope that you keep on going forward cause you need to. I'm not sure on what you mom saying part of it make sense about standing up for yourself. I wish you the best.

Sokie: Your Mother is right! Standing up for yourself is the key!! Honey, I am alot older than you are, and I'm just learning that now. Had I cared more about myself and stood up for myself I would not have been stuck in a unhappy 27 year marriage where everything I did was to make him happy! When I finally thought enough of myself to leave, where did I wind up, with an abuser!! Had I fought back and stood my ground I wouldn't have gone through that hell with him either! I'm doing it now though and it feels great! I have learned alot in a short period of time. I have also dated several men and as soon as I see any red flags I'm outta there! Actually, I really don't get that emotionally involved. I'll never again love anyone more than myself. You'll get there , in your own time. In the meantime, listen to your Mom! She can see things clearly and logically without all the emotion, which always clouds our judgement. You will get stronger with each day that goes by. Take care.

I had another eye surgery yesterday and can now see shadows! I am so excited I had to come here and tell all of you. (((hugs))) sokie

sokiegirl, I am excited for you. What a long way you have come. I am so happy for you
. Keep the faith sokie.

Wow, hon! Shadows is a really big improvement! (Are they tacking your retina back down?) And how are the bruises coming? You are absolutely on track to being a healthy person again. That warms my heart.

From what I understand most of my problem is nerve damage to the back of my eye. He is using a laser to remove or burn off the dead or damaged part and reattaches it to nerves that still are workable. I know it sounds crazy but I have very little knowledge of medicals things so he just explains it in terms that I somewhat understand. I am happy to be coming out of the darkness even tho I understand I will never regain all of my eyesight.
The way the other doctors explain it to me is the darker your skin tone the harder it is to stop the scarring so I have alot of really dark patches where the beating was the worst. Sort of like a brusie that will never totally be gone either but I have a matching cheekbone :) . As soon as they are sure my skin has healed inside and out they will begin to show me how to apply a special make up to hide or blend with my skintone so it isn't so noticeable. They tell me that burn victims go threw somewhat what I am so all signs of possible infection have to be gone before we can move forward with the rest of my cosmetic surgery.
I do look really silly walking around the house with sunglasses on day and night but in the end I hope to look and feel normal again--if there is any such thing as that. I have been studying really hard to take my GED test this next week so keep your fingers (toes if you can) crossed for me. I want to start courses at the junior college this fall and try to leave my past alone. I understand I will never be like other 18 year old girls but I plan to throw myself into getting an education and maybe down the line somewhere be able to reach out and help someone else. Anyway thats my dream for now so I am going to try to live it. ((hugs)) sokie

Hi Sokie

You are an inspiration to everyone who thinks that they cant flee their abuser. I am so happy for you that you are rebuilding your life. You give me the strength to realise that if you can do it I can too. I still love my abuser but i know I wont be there when he gets out in November. He will probably find another person to use.

:grouphug: Sokie so happy to hear your progress....:thumbsup: so glad your sight is returning, even if slowly....you are such a courageous girl/woman.....You do inspire many women here....your story helps women to see their own denial....please keep sharing and talking.....I have this feeling that God has a very special plan for you.....I can't believe what you have survived...I am so happy you have plans for your future....God Bless you and keep you... :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: for you....~Cat

Thanks for replying about my news :D . I am excited about trying to look normal again and wanted to tell everyone. I don't know about being an inspiration to anyone but I come here to talk, Well actually to cry and vent too. I am not proud of what was done to me but I feel comfortable talking (typing) here maybe because I have been here since it all went bad and you guys have stuck it out with me and not made me feel like an idiot. I still have really rough days and even tougher nights. Like right now I am up because I thought I heard Pamela cry. Its crazy. For a brief moment I was happy, on my feet and running for her bed. The next I was crying when it settled in it was a dream. I don't know how many other peope know that feeling but its a lost, lonely and sick feeling all over again.
Steffy, you will be okay and probably better off without that guy. I know you will be better off. I don't think our mothers, fathers or even God put us on this Earth for the soul purpose of letting another beat us or make us feel worthless so they can feel better about themselves. Just keep moving forward with the others and me so someday we find out what real happiness and loving someone is about without that other bad stuff. (hugs) sokie
PS: Thanks Cat, I need all the backup and keep moving forward cheers I can get;)

Wow, Sokie you sound like things are really looking up for you and I'm so happy for you. You will pass that test with flying colors. You are surely an inspiration. Keep moving forward the best is yet to come.

Sokie-I'm proud of you. You are doing more at your young age to better yourself from this situation than people much older than you. Myself included in that. I'm honored to have met you.

Sokie

You are truly an inspiration to me. Yes I find myself being drawn back to my abuser. Then i remember what he did to me and what happened to you. then I know HE is def not worth it. Big Hugs to you Sokie, you are such a beautiful woman. You give me that urge to move on with my life. I am still stuck in the trauma of it all.

I still have really rough days and even tougher nights. Like right now I am up because I thought I heard Pamela cry. Its crazy. For a brief moment I was happy, on my feet and running for her bed. The next I was crying when it settled in it was a dream. I don't know how many other peope know that feeling but its a lost, lonely and sick feeling all over again

Hi Sokie....when I read this I felt so sad but yes I do understand it...I wasn't beaten up physically by the man that hurt me.....but psychologically he nearly destroyed me and I go through many nights of nightmares and thinking he's in the room or in my house....It's part of PTSD...it sucks....but it does get better....in time and sometimes needs medication....But my motivation is strong not to let him have that power over me.....I see that in you too....YOU ARE AMAZING:) :) :) ....never let anyone take that from you again......:thumbsup: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: ....luv ya mucho.......~Cat

:D I passed my GED yesterday :thumbsup: ! ((hugs to everyone)) sokie

That is terrific never a doubt in my mind you would do it. This is only one of many wonderful things to come for you.

it is never right for a man to hit you. You did the right thing and i am very proud of you for walking away and pressing charges so many women stick with them. I am proud of you.

They beat you and send you flowers, one day you would be getting flowers at your casket. You did the right thing.

Congratulations....Sokie on getting your GED....you're even more amazing than I thought already.....What a beautiful spirit you have....Bless you girl...~Cat

Sokie --

Congratulations on your GED. One more step forward into a new life for you.

Be proud of yourself -- you've come a long way.

Thanks you guys I am truly proud of myself. I think in the beginning I started studying just to prove him wrong--the things that stick in my mind about him saying I was stupid--so I tried harder but in the end I just tried hard for myself because I really do want a better life.
Tonight was sort of a hard night for me. It was grief counselling night. The people there are nice to me and my mother attends with me sometimes because she is having a hard time too. Anyway they are all nice and they tell me during the talks that I should be grateful and thankful to God that I made it out alive but it doesn't stop me from wanting or missing Pamela. I still visit her grave alot and place fresh flowers because the heat kills them so fast. Even though I know she has moved to another place it upsets me to know that fall and winter will be coming soon and the ground will become cold. I know it doesn't make sense but it stays on my mind alot.
Okay sorry to ramble on, I guess I just came to talk. sokie

Oh, sweetie! You haven't really accepted her death yet, so of course you worry about her being cold. All the echos of her life are still with you, and it's still going to be months before they damp down a little. Don't put yourself on a schedule about your grieving. Don't let anyone else put you on one either. It's your sorrow, and you get to deal with it at your own speed.

Sokie....you are such sweet soul and you so deserve to have a good life...with people that value you and treat you well..And I agree with Nim, honey you are still grieving and it makes complete sense what you are feeling...it takes time..and you take all the time you need to move forward and to heal....I am so glad you are getting some professional help....Glad your feeling better about your surgery too....you are so loved here....luv you....~Cat

CONGRATS on getting your GED!!!!!!!!!!

Sokie congraatulations on your GED. I am so proud of you too what an inspiration you are to all of us. I hope that rubs off on me.

hugs

No one deserves to be hit. I think you did the right thing. I know it must of been hard, but you do not deserve to be hurt in anyway. I commend you for taking this step. I know it must of been the hardest thing you have ever had to do.

Thanks for all the congrats for my GED! (hugs)
I started taking my medicine again so I sleep alot. The doctor says that might happen until I get regulated :confused: . I enrolled at the junior college and begin trying to learn the basics this coming Tuesday, I'm a little excited. My mom says she doesn't want me over-whelmed so its just 3 hours a day but I am getting out of the house:D I am hopeful that there will not be too many stares and I can focus on my studies without 1000 questions...I guess I am paranoid sometimes too..haha. Anyways thanks again and thank you for letting me have a place to share my hopes, thoughts and whats happening in my life. ((hugs)) sokie

Sweetheart, that's a lot of steps toward health! Let your meds have a chance to help you, and don't worry about any stares. If someone wants to know what happened, well that's when you become a teacher, and put the things you know now about abuse out there, because you're in an age group that really doesn't have a clue about it. You will help someone. You may never know who, but you will help.
Many, many hugs.

~Sokie~
:yay: Congratulations on your GED!!! And also for going to school!!!
I'm so happy to hear you're moving along to the next positive step in your life. You will be blessed, Sweetie! I feel good things coming to you at last. Hang in there and stay strong. :grouphug:

Today was one of my first days in the public eye as I went to church. It made me uncomfortable as the children stared, girls my age whispered and some people would not make eye contact with me. Mom made me smile when she told me it was a good thing they didnt see me before surgery or all the isle's would be full of false teeth falling out of their old mouths:p Someday soon I will get to wear makeup and hide these scars. I am looking forward to that day. sokie

Hon, if it had been a car accident that was someone else's fault, you wouldn't feel quite so bad about the scars. Sad, but not guilty. It's time to not feel guilty about the wreck you were in. It was someone else's fault, not yours. And we know who.

Sokie,
I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face as I just read all of your posts. There's a part of me that just wants to fold you in my arms and there's another part of me that wants to stand up and cheer at your accomplishments. I went to an Easter church service a few years ago and the minister was talking about how we can evolve as butterflies do. We can change from a not so attractive chrysalis to a beautiful butterfly and soar. He then handed out little plastic butterflies for all of us to take with us and to carry so we can remember that we all have it in us. I believe we are going to watch you evolve into that butterfly and soar Sokie and if there's anything I can do to help in that process, please let me know.

Okay, but I still need to send you a hug (((Sokie)))

You are an amazing young woman, and I too want to send you a hug honey ((((Sokie))))

((hugs)) back to you ladies! I sure didn't mean to make anyone cry, I do enough for everyone believe me. It true that I do have really hard times sometimes but sometimes I come to this post to bring back memories of Pamela--like holding her our first morning home together--and it helps to see the damage he did to us in black and white when I start feeling weak inside.
This afternoon is my first day back at school and I am nervous because its been a few years since I had to pay attention and take notes :) I'm glad I have all of your support and my parents backing me in everyway possible. I just wanted to share with you that its been along time since I have had anything to look forward to but today I am happy and ready for whatever I may run into. Anyway I think I am...:D ((hugs)) sokie

One happy day! WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWoW!!

Girl, It doesn't matter if you don't take a single note, if you are happy today that is a triumph of you over him, over sorrow, over pain. Your spirit is coming back!!!

Hey Sokie, today is only one of many new beginnings..it warmed my heart to read you were happy and today was a good day..It sure made my day..You go girl!!!!!!

My sister always says it's good to have something to look forward to. Whether it's a trip, a holiday, anything...it does bring some brightness into our days. I hope school went well and you are proud of yourself for your accomplishment. You should be and I know a whole bunch of us are too.

Good for you, honey, I am proud of you!

Yeah yesterday didn't turn out as well as I hoped. I heard alot of hurtful things like I had been hit really hard with an ugly stick and it was a good thing that Jesus loves me because no one else could. I just have to learn to accept that some people aren't nice and maybe they get their laughs from making fun of people like me. I don't know but I won't give up yet, I want an education but need to learn not to carry my heart out in the open. sokie

Ah, Kids! Hurtful little monsters. I can't imagine ever saying such a thing, barely even thinking it. Their parents should have taught them kindness/politeness, but clearly they missed that lesson. So tell them how you earned your scars. And get that education! Don't let anyone get in your way on that!!!

Thanks Nim ((hugs)) that made me feel better to know at least someone understands knows how I feel. Maybe after my education is completed in the years to come I will teach people what domestic violence can cost a person. I guess its self centered but I dwell on the fact I will never be pretty again or fit in. Sometimes the rage in me is bad that my baby was taken and he left me looking like this. I guess I need to grow up. sokie

Sweetie, you said something very interesting, you said "people like you". Baby Girl people like you are brave, strong, courageous and have gone to battle and came out even more beautiful. When you look in the mirror, look pass the physical scars and know that your physical appearance does not matter because we all lose that eventually. But when your beauty is from within, that's what makes you a dime piece as the kids say..lol.. I was always taught that beauty really is more than that outter layer and I teach my children the same, it is the good qualities and compassion that you hold within and I have never seen you, but I feel like I know you after reading all your post and you are truly a remarkable young woman and never let another person tell you any different. Big Hug!!!!!

Hi Sokie and Fam,
Today I came across this thread and read it from the beginning until now and I have to applaud you on the strength that you have within you!!! You have been through so much in such a short period of time and you are holding it together. I must say after reading this whole thread I am proud of you like you were one of my own kids. You have no idea how many women you will save with this thread, don't allow those silly kids at school to get to you because more than likely they are struggling with some issues of their own. Just know that God has a wonderful plan for your life and keep going forward and make Pam proud.

I know it's still very fresh but I would like to suggest to you that you start working on forgiving your ex not for his benefit but for yours. As long as you are angry he still has some control and he does not in ANY way deserve that much. I know it's hard because my ex-fiance raped my 10 yr old daughter and I almost lost my mind before I realized that I had to let go of the anger. I lost everything except my children I was so distraught that I was standing in the isle of the grocery store with my child a few days before the trial and had NO idea where I was. To make a longer story short I had to ask God to help me to forgive him because I couldn't do it alone. I won't lie to you and tell you that it was an instant thing but it wasn't long after he went to jail that I was able to sit down and write a letter and release all of my hurt and anger toward him and the healing began there. Good luck to you.

What type of school are you going to? :thumbsup: (((hugs))) Opal

I can't sleep because I have been asleep all evening--I promise I am still taking my meds:thumbsup:Thanks for talking to me Mahogany and Octobersjewel, (hugs) to you both.
I don't know how to answer to you Mahogany because I do feel hurt that people make fun of people like me and others who aren't pretty or have scars...it makes us different and people can be cruel.
And I guess I understand what you are saying too Octobers because alot of poeple tell me I need to find forgiveness but it just isn't in me. And believe me I have had preachers, counselors and therapist tell me that I need to find a way to find inner peace before it drives me over the edge. I run totally on hate where he is concerned. It probably isn't healthy but for now it keeps me going and gives me a reason to get up every morning even if it is just to show him that he means nothing to me and he can't hurt me anymore. And honestly, not only do I blame and hate him for causing my childs death but can't seem to forgive myself either. So I understand when you and others tell me to find forgiveness but for now I can't.
I am going to the junior college to learn the basics. I had been out of school for 2 years and am trying to catch up to the level of those who actually attend high school and learned without being swept away by love. (haha that made me laugh;) ) I feel like almost everything has been taken from me so I am taking small steps to try to better myself and find my own way. I don't know if that makes sense but thats what I am trying to do. ((hugs)) sokie

Sokie, you do have to handle this in your own time and in your own way and I understand that and the hurtful things that were said to you was mean and uncalled for and holds no merit at all. Hold your head up and be proud because you survived and now your story will save many others who will read these post, but may never respond, but they will get the courage and strength from you to be a survivor. If I were there with you, I would be proud to be seen with you. Keep going to school so you can get that degree. It is so much power in that. He could not destroy you, he could not hold you back and through it all, you still came out looking like gold. You are beautiful and I am going to keep saying it until you believe it.

Trust me I understand where you are coming from about forgiving, it's easy to say when you're not in that position. It didn't come easy for me but when that time comes you will be able to do it. Right now if that is your drive then let it drive you to succeed. I admire you and the way you have taken a negative and turned it around for positive. It took me alot longer to make that transition but it finally happened unfortunately I still struggle with trusting men but I am trying. I will be keeping up with you eventhough I may not post to often.

Keep your head up:thumbsup:

Hey Sokie...I'm sorry it's been a bumpy week. You said something that got me and I'd love to respond to it, if you don't mind. You said you shouldn't wear your heart on your sleeve so much and coming from a person who always wanted thicker skin and to not "care" so much about what others thought, I want to share with you what someone said to me. She said "MountainMom, I would want all my friends to be like you because you are so giving and sensitive". Don't ever wish to harden your soul Sokie, because in the not so distant future, your compassion and giving spirit will take you far. You have been through hell and back again and these horrific experiences and your gentle soul will allow you to help others greatly.

Please don't pressure yourself when it comes to grieving your baby or the horrible beating from the babies father. It will come in time and forgiving him doesn't mean letting him off the hook, what it allows you to do is move on. My father was an alcoholic, cheated on my Mom for years, suffered from depression terribly and finally committed suicide because he was so far in debt and so miserable, he saw no way out. Well, one therapist asked me how I was feeling about him and his selfish actions and frankly, I've never been angry. I don't know why, but I'm not. And it's so much easier to let his actions go and realize that they truly had nothing to do with me and that they were all his responsiblility and problems gone awry. So, in time, try to do it for you because you have the rest of your life to live and you can make the most of it. Don't give him the power to control your future as well. (((HUGS)))

Thanks MountainMom for sharing that with me. I don't really know that I want to harden my soul but maybe just get a little tougher inside so that words can't hurt me anymore. I don't really want sympathy for what happened to my daughter and myself but it takes everything I have no to coward down in a corner when I see people whisper or point in my direction. My counselor tell me that it is the shame and guilt I carry with me. She seems to believe I need to find a way to channel those feeling or I will never get better and I don't want them to make my medicine dose higher. They seem to believe I suffer from PTSD and am paranoid on top of it. So which is it? Is it physical or mentally that I am more messed up? They tell me to forgive...then they tell me to stay angry so I don't want to have contact or another relationship like this last one...they tell me to get out more and make friends...then they tell me to be careful because I will fall into another abusive friendship or relationship...they tell me I need to quit going to my daughter grave...then they tell me I need to find a way to let go because if I can't visit her without breaking down everytime then visiting isn't a good idea. Its like I have all these opinions and voices going off in my head everytime I decide what I am going to do next and sometimes I don't know which way to turn.
Whew I really got off topic there didn't I? I know its not your guys job to try to fix me or make the situation better, I guess I just came to vent. Anyways I just saw where you wrote you would be seen with me Mahogany--that meant the world to me((hugs)) sokie

First of all...vent all you want, we'll listen. And I don't worry about the sympathy part because we are all here for some sort of support. Every one of us is in a situation that we need advice, information or just a friend so we are all equals in many many ways. It sucks you are getting mixed messages because I'm sure you are confused enough as it is. Hang in there at school and I hope you have fun learning all sorts of new things.

Sokie - how about YOU charting what would feel like healthy to you, for the next week, and for the next month, and 3 months, and 6 months. Write it down.

Like, for this week, I'm only going to cry 20 minutes. Period. My promise to myself. Maybe next week I'll cry for 8 hours, but this week, it's 20 minutes.

In a month, I want to be able to say that I've held a conversation with one of the new people at school. I'll invite someone out for a Coke and fries and sit down and talk about a class. If I have to ask 20 people until I find one who'll do it, then I'll ask 20 people.

In 3 months, I want to . . .

or make it shorter or longer times, but plan what you see as health.

That way YOU get some input. You