I am not having a good day! Here I am, at work, getting over my tears and just to figure out what to do next.

My BF, J, started calling me obscenities this morning calling me c*nt and b*tch. He even poked me in the face, pushing my face with his finger pretty hard. From there, I wouldn't do what he wanted of me (we were going snowmobiling afterward). For those that have read my story and intro you know the history we have. I have since been trying to put a stop to the abuse (don't know how well its working). I actually thought he was taking his meds and that they'd help him!! WRONG AGAIN :confused:

I am sitting here sad, confused and thinking about all of the good times we've had but I am also wondering what kind of a monster who says he loves you would treat me this way? If he really loved me, reality in my head says he wouldn't act this way. Going on a jealousy trip (over nothing), calling me names and poking me.

His friend came with us (in a separate truck) and we all ended up heading back home (and not going snowmobiling because I said I wasn't going anywhere with him if he was going to call me a b*tch and c*nt and accuse me of doing things I wasn't doing).

I called his friend later that day to apologize to him for the scene and for making him drive all the way up to the place we were going to unload our snowmobiles and then him going back home. I APOLOGIZED. I am not sure I should have. Does it make me look like the guilty party?

WE drove all the way home in silence, not breathing a word to one another. I just got in my car and left. I left everything behind except for my pocket book, my cell phone and my keys.

I don't understand. I know men shouldn't treat us this way but why does he? What do I do to him? I cannot keep living this way, going back, going away, going back, going away. It is exhausting and I am wondering how much longer I can do it. I do not feel safe going home and I do not feel safe being near him right now. He always calms down eventually and gets over his problem. Last time it was a week and I ended up living in the shelter for that time. He had my phone disconnected twice and turned back on, he dumped my cat and said he was going to kill it, oh he got really angry and went through a lot in one week then finally breaking down and saying he couldnt live without me.

I am tired of this. I don't know how much more I can do this..each time I go back I always seem to tolerate less and less. Eventually its going to get to a point where I am not going to tolerate it at all. It will be THE END. Is it this weekend? While I love him and I don't want it to be the end I am not sure it will ever work between us. While we have some of the most incredible moments together and we get along (most of the time) quite great, the abuse is just something left over. The memories are still there and I just don't know anymore.

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry for your pain. Please don't feel guilty about anything. You didn't do anything to deserve this and you need to take care of yourself right now. Do you have family near by? Any friends that you will feel safe and can stay with? He needs some serious counselling and you may want some, just to work through this. I know there are some good memories, but this behaivor could increase and you may not have the choice to get out next time. Be careful, be strong and remember that you have PTO to support you. Sending you a gigantic (((HUG)))

Wow, where do I begin. First dont go back ---yes eventually you will have enough. It could be enough because you leave or it could be enough because you are dead! Living in a shelter with no cell doesnt sound so bad when you compare it to being dead. If you have no family, no friends then return to the shelter. I dont know your entire situation so I dont know all of the options. If you have no kids and have family in another town leave and GO. He threatens to kill your cat, says he cant live without you--blah blah blah. Most of us have heard the same lines. He isnt saying he cant live without you because he loves you. The real reason is if you leave he is powerless over you. He has no control over you. I know its hard not to go back I have been there but you have to stop putting yourself thru all of the abuse. He has problems thats why he is doing this---medications cant change who a person is, medications cant change your personality (they can alter it) but not change it.

As far as aplogizing, I am not sure it was the right thing but I am sure I would have done it also. The friend, if he saw/heard what was going on I am sure realizes the issue and realizes it wasnt you.

DONT GO BACK!

I'm so sorry to hear that but honestly it not going to get better the longer you stay with him. Maybe you both need some time out from eachother and let him miss you so that he can appretiate what he haves and what he might lose .You have to give him tough love .I know you love him but your right love shouldn't hurt it should feel good.Just remember this he needs you more than you need him.And also remember , you don't really need to put up with that type of abuse because your never going to be happy .

"Maybe you both need some time out from eachother and let him miss you so that he can appretiate "


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OMG----no thats not what she needs! Its a viscous cycle that want end---It promise. I will not end until someone dies or is in prison , or one stays away from the other!
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So you know exactly what she needs ? leaving someone that you had a long term relationship with is not easy.some people can walk away like nothing and some people is harder for them.Sometimes some people are stronger then others.What might be easy for you may be hard for her.

You know his history, you have been through it before by self admition, this is a no brainer - don't go back - another try could be the one that really gets out of control. You are smarter than that and you deserve much better. Yes it's hard, yes it hurts, but time will heal all and you will still be alive.

I stayed for one fight too many and he broke my jaw. Feel like taking your chances?

No it wasnt easy for me--I know its not easy. It took me having a newborn baby at home to realize I had to get out, I couldnt raise my child that way. I loved him so much!! We were together 6 yrs. Its not east. I lied for him when I had bruises. I defended him to the end. I have seen in for years in years in the mental health field I am in. I have lived it personally. It destroys you. For years to come you will have issues relating to the abuse you have endured.

I never said it was easy. I know what statistics say, I know what it feels like to live in it, I know what its like to leave. I know the pain you will fight for yrs to come. Its not easy.

BUT I am not going to sit here and tell her to take timeout and he will miss her and for her to then return. Thats BS! Yeah she will miss him, he will miss her. t will hurt like hell but the pain will be nothing like the mental and physical abuse she has dealt with. I will not say take timeout and then return---why should I? SO that when she returns she lives with abuse again or for her to die?

I dont sugar coat things--especially DV. Its real. People die! WHen people die they dont return when someone says "I am sorry, I will never do it again."

So again---Run, run like hell and never look back. If you can get yourself in counseling--great. You will need it!

Read the statistics, read Isadora's postings. It never stops!

I weighed 95 pounds when I was with this guy. He threw me thru a wall. When I was pregnant he threw me across a pool table, so hard that I had the lines on the back on my legs (bruisies) from the sides of the table. He chases my car with a baseball bat when I was pregnant the same night I was thrown across the pool table. He beat me in the head, until I was in the fetal position in a corner! He and I got into a fight one night. I dont remember anything--except I woke up the next morning with a broke toe. I had random bruises on my legs/arms/hips.

Those are just things people could see on the outside. There are things I dont remember. They were so painful I have blocked them out. When I smell certain air fresheners it takes me back to the apartment where we lived. Its real! It never truly heals!

So jailers wife apparently you havent lived it or you are living it now and making excuses!

Why do you want to go back? Afraid of being alone? You better think about all this, as Ann Landers says ask your self If your beter off with him OR without him? You need to turn your life around and say its time for me! I count too!
Yes you miss the person you loved, But he don't love you. He wants to control you.
Don't go back, Get a lot of counseling, AS the other person said--Just the smell of certain things takes her back to the abuse. Mental abuse is worse then physical to a point.
Think about your future, Is this what you really want? You can't change him. Only your self. Run,

If I had to choose between having my a@# beat or having mental abuse I would most definately choose being beat. Bruises heal, mental abuse stays forever. You may be able to block it out but one day it will resurface. The psychiatrist told me its ok to block out things as long as you know how to handle them once they resurface.

You would be surprised at what smelling a certain scent does to you when you smelled that scent during such abuse.

Obivously you dont know anything about me, so dont assume that I havent lived it or I'm going thru it now ,you don't know sh*t about me because I dont need to make excuses.As a matter of fact I lived it also for 51/2 years, but everyone handle there own situation differently.I not telling her what to do its just a piece of advice I'm not saying she has to do what I'm telling her to do .Its totally up to her what she wants to do.And also I not here to go back and forth with you either. So have a good day Ms.1dayatatime !

Let's take it easy here she is asking for advice not an argument.

Johnsmainegirl, I am of the school of thought - don't go back, it is not worth the risk.

The question is not that you love him, the question is does he love you? Personal opinion, I don't think so. I believe, it is a matter of control of someone for him - you.

Don't let him do this to you, you are a human being a woman, someone's sister, daughter, mother.

Life is too short for this, we all deserve love, kindness, respect and all this starts at home meaning you. Love yourself, be kind to yourself, and respect yourself enough to know that you deserve better then this kind of treatment.

I left my husband because he sexually abused my children and he beat me.

I was in the Coast Guard then stationed on a ship and I came into the ship's office where I worked and the Captain was there. When he saw my black eye and my nose he called me into his stateroom to find out what the hell had happened. I told him about what I had discovered from my son and he could see what my husband had did to me when I tried to leave with them. I was off the ship on shore duty and had military orders for my husband not to come near me or my children that day.

The Captain told me what I just told you above.

Don't go back, you deserve better, and deep in your heart you know that.

(((Hugs)))

Patti

This is giving me goosebumps. I luckily have not had my husbands abuse me that way. My dad hit my mom alot and I swore I would never put up with that treatment. Like I said my husbands haven't.
But: I have seen something that I want to share with you, I had a friend that was killed by her husband. He shot her outside of his mother;s house. He would beat her for the littlest of excuses. When she was pregnant he used a broomstick on her.(I won't tell what here but I am sure you can figure it out) If she wanted to visit with family she had to have his permission to go. If she went he still would beat her because he felt (they) were talking sh** about him. I won't go on.. Please don't let this happen to you. Get out while you are able too. He has no right to hit you. It doesn't matter what the cause is whether or not you are to blame or he is to blame. Nobody has the right to do this. So please get out!!! Good Luck to you. You will be better off!!!!

Hon, if you read a book called "Trapped in the Mirror", by Elan Golumb, you'll find a lot in there you might recognize about this guy.
"The narcissistic character disorder is described in the DSM-III...as having the following characteristics: an inflated sense of self-importance, fantasies of unlimited success, fame, power, beauty, and perfect love (uncritical adoration); exhibitionism (a need to be looked at and admired); a tendency to feel rage with little objective cause, a readiness to treat people with cool indifference as punishment for hurtful treatment or as an indication of the fact they have no current use for the person; a tendency toward severe feelings of inferiority, shame, and emptiness; a sense of entitlement accompanied by the tendency to exploit; a tendency to overidealize or devalue people based largely on a narrow focus; an inability to empathize."

Well, that's enough of that, and it's not a complete list by any means. . . but what it's about is that M is basically a dnagerous person, in need of many years of therapy (which he will probably never get, nor does he feel the need for it). You will never be able to trust him, because you will never really know when the next assault will come, or about what, or in what form. He has already gone down the road of physical assault, and it will only escalate from here.
Those good times you talked about? when he needs your adoration and approval (like needing a fix) he will suddenly be loving, sweet, giving. It may be dinners cooked for you when you will be home late, or a good backrub just when you need one, or a lovely gift just for nothing. It is all about getting you to adore him again. Then the evil behavior will return, but your memories of the lovingness will remain. The behavior will always escalate, but you will have those memories and you hope that the lovingness will return, and you hate to leave just before the payout (I know it well). You will lose your investment of love and time, as I lost mine.
call your local domestic abuse hotline, and start talking to them. They can help you think your way to the strength to leave; they are valuable resources.
Many hugs, hon.

Lots of good advice here.

What even concerns me more...the fact that he can so easily degrade you in front of others. Some men hide their abuse. At least they understand their actions are wrong. Men who can make a "show of it' infront of others..even more scary. He really can't see that what he's doing is not only wrong, but he' blind to his own psychotic nature. He'll never seek help.

He not only enjoys controlling and belittling you, he wants to make sure everyone around understands he's the "man".

Only you can take the steps to better your life. This man isn't going to wake up one day and realize how bad he's treated you. He might wake up one day and realize you might be moving on and hurt you to the point of death. Thats about the extent of his thinking process.

I always wonder how these men have friends. Are his friends the same??
Alot of real men would have jumped on his butt for humiliating you that way.

good luck with whatever your decision is..but i really think you should see yourself as a person who deserves to be loved. You have one life...ONE LIFE, this is what you want out of it??

It was hell weekend. I am just now getting back to work and it's Tuesday. I do not know what is happening to my BF!!! He is just getting wound up over the littlest things and says often "he doesnt feel good or right or whatever just that he doesn't feel like himself."

When I left home and came in to work that day (Sunday) I called FVP and they set me up with a motel room. I never went. Why? Because BF called and called and called demanding to know where I was and why I wouldn't come home. How he was sorry. There is always an apology now somewhere but he always says BUT....But you...But you shouldn't do this or that or whatever. It's always my fault I feel like. I am now being punished because of his court thing, because he will have probation, dv court assignment, because of a no contact clause. I swear to god if the court comes out with a no contact clause it's probably best for all of us. I don't want him to know that but deep down I worry. I worry about me. He thinks I hate him so and he's just filled with I dont know...something that isn't normal. He doesn't understand. He thinks all people fight and argue and that it's normal. I tell him it's not normal. I have a personal right to come to a forum (the court investigator found my posts to another forum and used them against him to get him to agree to a plea or jail sentence!) and express my feelings. TO reach out and be heard. He says what's written always comes back on people. Why can't he just take responsibility for his own actions and move forward happily? Get by his behavior and let it go? HE says he is not a monster (as I treat him because I hold him accountable???) and that I am no better than him because "I" have abused him? For what? Defending myself? For slapping him or hitting him when he hurts me? This guy doesn't get it. HE said he was coming to my work to find me, to talk to me, to get me to come home. I got scared and took off. HE goes in a rage saying I am messing around with someone at work, etc etc etc. The same stuff. Over and Over. Is his self esteem so badly burned that he cannot stop this? He had an ex wife that cheated on him supposedly and another ex girlfriend whom stabbed him with a pencil. (I have no doubt they may have been in self defense or a way to get away from his controlling ways). While not everything in my life is all that bad -- I do come home happily at night -- cook meals -- get to relax with him -- etc etc etc -- it still bothers me that we can have these fights and say mean and terrible things to each other, hurt each other and what not. I try to take responsibility for my part, why can't he just accept that he's being punished for his actions and learn from something?? It makes me so angry to hear "you are no better than me, you said so yourself". Well maybe not because I hit him too in the past but you know what??? My reasons for doing it were quite a bit different than his reasons and it didn't make it right either way. Therefore I evaluated our relationship based on it. Is it right of me to evaluate my relationship over it? God I have so many questions. Thanks for everyones input and support here. The whole story is sordid. If you read my intro you know the past between us, you know what causes his flips to switch - it's always starting off as a jealousy thing and then escalates from there all on its own. It's like an ugly worm rearing its head unforeseen. This really nerves me up, and always always makes me feel so unsafe that I want to leave, to run, to get the hell out of wherever I am. So I do, and then I always go back in the end. You get tired and you realize, am I going to end up dead someday? Believe me, I do worry about that one. He says you won't end up dead, don't worry. I'd never get THAT bad or whatnot. It's like he's the elder and I'm the child -- That since I am 11 years younger I have so much more to learn than him. That he is the voice of experience and I have to learn HIS way. I am sick of HIS way. I want MY OWN WAY!!! I think that WANTING just makes things worse between us. He doesn't understand that every single time he breaks out and rears an ugly head that no I am not going to shut up. I am not going to keep silent. I am not going to let this ruin ME. A man like him looks out for himself. I know I must sound like I have a lot of hate today. I don't. I do love him but he isn't GETTING IT.

You have something that isn't hate - it's frustration, fear and sorrow. Call a domestic abuse hotline.

The question is, why would someone who loved you physically attack you and make your life a living hell? If you think you are in love, then it is an unhealthy love, more a dependency. Please leave the enviornment as soon as possible. I don't want you to become a statistic.

dear johnsmainegirl: you are not alone. i have been thru what you are discribinga and the whole time i felt that our love was big enough to get threw the abuse. what i was missing was that there is no love that big. i walked out after 10 years and alot of beating, abandonments, slap, kicking, choking etc etc. it never got better for me. even though i walked out sometimes i would thinking that if only we were together it would be easier to leave him....i was really twisted in my mind. i hope you can find your strength, you have it, its inside of you and you will know when its time.

why is everyone jumping down everyones throat?
get real. this is not helping her situation out.

ive been in the same situation. when i was 17 i moved from FL to NC to be with my boyfriend. i thought he was on his meds. but he wasnt. neither was i. 2 bipolar people off meds= bad combination.

words were exchanged & 3 years later they still run through my head. he threatened to kill me & my unborn child if i left him. I DID though. but not before he climbed on top of me & tried choking me out. I got a bus ticket home from an ex boyfriends mother (because my mother seemed to think i was the one causing the fights, she actually told me to stopmaking him mad and maybe he wouldnt do those things to me) i never got on the bus to go home. i felt bad for him because he said he loved me & didnt mean the things he said. WRONG. its the same pattern over & over. WE'RE NOT THE FIRST & WE WONT BE THE LAST.

if hes serious and does love you he will get help.
you 2 may need time apart to realize this.

dont risk your life for this

what tkee said was so true:he isnt gonna wake up and realize how much he hurt you-he gone wake up and realize you gone leav e him and he may try to kill you.see,by him having control over you he feels good-almost like you need him to guide you.gut punch his azz!show him that YOU know you deserve better than what he is giving you.

I'm so sorry to hear that but honestly it not going to get better the longer you stay with him. Maybe you both need some time out from eachother and let him miss you so that he can appretiate what he haves and what he might lose .You have to give him tough love .I know you love him but your right love shouldn't hurt it should feel good.Just remember this he needs you more than you need him.And also remember , you don't really need to put up with that type of abuse because your never going to be happy .

the post is over a month old now so what is happening is already in play. hopefully she got her ass out of there and stayed away. As to the above quote i gotta say this might be one of the most disturbing pieces of advice ive seen on this site

im sorry if i came across as stupid.it is best to press charges and let the law handle the rest.your peace of mind is ready to be at peace and if you spend it worrying about what is happening it will take longer to achieve.
it wouldnt do nothing but make him think he can still get your attention if you keep him priority #1.trust me as long as you let those charges stick the law will prosecute him to the fullest.you spend your time working on YOU and move on to what is waiting for you-your blessing.

im sorry if i came across as stupid.it is best to press charges and let the law handle the rest.your peace of mind is ready to be at peace and if you spend it worrying about what is happening it will take longer to achieve.
it wouldnt do nothing but make him think he can still get your attention if you keep him priority #1.trust me as long as you let those charges stick the law will prosecute him to the fullest.you spend your time working on YOU and move on to what is waiting for you-your blessing.

no such thing as being stupid queen. you always make great points in yoru posts i myself like to err on the side of caution in the dv area though, rather someone lose love than lose a life