Hi.on september 15,2007 ihad my fiance arrested for CDV. i have since, don't know what you call it since you can't dro the charges. state picks it up. in a way i feel it was wrong of me to call the police but in a way i feel tha it was right. heres my story. my fiances son had gotten my fiance started on meth. he asked me if i wanted to try it. i had hesitated i n trying it because 20 years ago i was hooked on cocaine. i've been off the stuff for 20 years and didn't want that again. w'll i did try it and liked it. we said that we would only do it once in a while and we'll you know how that goes. anyway, we moved into this one trailer and it looked like everything was going to be great. but then the drugs started more and more. everything was going downhill. we had gotten inot it oneday and it jus kept going fo like 3 days. it finally came to a head when we got physical with each other. i guess you could say i got the worse end of the deal. he was like the devil himself. he had by then given me a black eye, that really turned out bad. couldn't see out of it for 3 days. but i had gotten my licks in. anyway i called the police and they came and arrested him. they didn't arrest me because i had removed myself from the house and stayed away. i didn't want things to get worse. after he was arrested it took me 3 weeks to go and see him. it was the hardest 3 weeks of my life, or so i thought at the time. before i even went to see him i had "dropped" the charges. I was no longer "high" and i felt i was wrong to do have called the police. when i seen him for the first time at county i new dropping what i could was the right choice. that was one broken man. he'd been in jail before so just the fact that he'd been arrested wasn't the problem. he proceded to tell me what had transpired durning this time. it had taken him almost 3 days to even realize tht he was incarcerated.with his head cleared some things started to come back to him. i filled in the blanks. he told me all that he had been doingand even he didn't know why he did what he did. he asked my forgiveness, but to this day has not forgiven himself. all the different drugs he was doing lead to this. he had never even come close to hitting me before. he's already been offered 31/2 yers for this which he denied and i am very happy for that. i do not want to see him get any time for this. i don't belive that this would ever happen again. drugs are out of our life for good.the violence was because of the drugs. nothing else. it's not the way he is.i wnt him home. his court date is comming up and i am hoping he gets time served for his county time. i love this man more than life itself. he has been my lifeline and has always been there for me and has help me overcome so many things in my life. he has brought me to terms with my late husbands death and has brought me closer to GOD again. he showed me that i can love and trust again. that i can still have a life. the person i feel in love with and the person he is now are one and the same. the evil thing that did this to me is gone. he is now facing a CDV-high and aggraveted. am i wrong in not wanting him to get time? i think he has already paid for waht he has done. i just want him home now. am i wrong for that? i'm not crazy. just crazy in love. i really would like some opinions on this. i know i probably won't like some of them, but i take the good with the bad. maybe some of you can make this road easer for me. oh, and by the way, he was not charged with any drug charges. feel free to your opinions. i do love this man with all my heart.

I believe I can understand--you love him, but certainly don't love being hit (who would?). You know, I trust, that you most emphatically DO NOT deserve to be abused in any way, and if your relationship has reached the point where physical abuse is involved, you both need to do something if there is to be a relationship at all.

Right now, put yourself first--he's a grown man and can take care of himself. And if he can't sort himself out--he doesn't deserve you. You mention that drugs have been a problem for both of you and that you want to put that behind you. Wonderful. But make sure you do so for yourself and not for him or out of the hope that everything will be wonderful if YOU stop using. I applaud your decision to stop using drugs if they have become a problem for you, but he is going to have to decide what to do himself--and stick to it.

Do you have a women's advocacy or domestic violence prevention group in your area? If so, they can probably put you in touch with others who have been right where you are now, and who will happily talk with you about what happened to them and what they did about it. You might want to try Narcotics Anonymous and/or NarcAnon for support--there's no charge, and no one will force you to stay there if you don't want to. If you're determined to stay straight and have trouble doing so, there are plenty of resources out there--you might even want to consider spending some time in treatment (outpatient or inpatient--just spend some time being exposed to some new ideas). It's a tough path to walk, but if you are determined to walk it, you'll that it leads you to a far better life.

I wish I had some suggestions for him. Certainly he needs to deal with his addiction(s) as well, but more immediate is the criminal matter you mention. A willingness to enter treatment may make points with some prosecutors/judges, but it's impossible to say. He may also be ordered to take anger management classes. Being willing to do such things and having his attorney make that clear in court may help as far as whether he ends up spending time in prison or not.

The main thing here is that you must, above all else, put yourself first as far as your life is concerned. And you must NEVER put up with letting him or anyone else lay a hand on your again. You are worth more than that. Remind yourself of that often.

Good luck to you.

boy, honey, i've been there. as a recovering alcoholic and addict i know how insane it is to pick any of it back up, and we are insane to do it even after years of being clean and sober. some years back i had my ex arrested after a bad physical fight. back then in california, you could drop the charges, but not anymore. i would suggest dv support groups, and 12 step programs...aa/na...even al-anon. i know you love him and you both want a happy life, and you both deserve that. stick around here, there is alot of knowledge and support, and plenty of love. let us know what's going on with you. and no, you are not wrong...you're human

Why do you feel that you are wrong for doing something that is right? Both of you need intense drug counseling. You are not his savior. He needs to want to change and get his life on the right track. You can't do this for him. Your first priority is Y-O-U!

hon, you've got to concentrate on yourself. Whatever it takes, you've got to steer clear of the drugs. If that means staying away from him and his son, then that what it takes. You didn't say what your relationship was like other than that fight, so we can't really tell you much about the domestic abuse problem. If it was more than just that one time, then you very much need to just let him go. If that was the only time anything controlling ever happened, then you can put it down to drug use, but you're going to need to know that he's clean forever or this WILL happen again. And if his son is still using - HE'S OUT!!! He can't come around unless he's clean, not even a 5-minute visit. You're not going to be able to do anything about his sentence - he was high and abusive, and they really can get him for it. I suspect he should be glad of the 3 1/2 year offer. He did it. Period. You did right to turn him in because this wasn't going to get any better, but sure could have gotten worse.

Since you asked for opinion here, NOW I will give it to you. Yes, I think you are wrong for wanting to interfere with the judicial process when it sounds like they are aware of the FACTS of the case. That is technically obstruction of justice.

Sounds like your fiance committed some "bad acts" and the police found out and charged him. I think he should have to navigate the process LIKE EVERYONE ELSE here did. I think you should have to navigate it with him, either as his fiance, or his victim, but ideally as both, because that is what you are.

While I feel the pain that you are going through, I have little tolerance for a "poor us" attitude in these situations.

You both were doing drugs, and you both got physical. What did you think was going to happen?

You were aware that your family was calling the police, and you're thoughts were "whatever". What did you think was going to happen?


You made a statement to the police. What did you think was going to happen?

Girlfriend - we all want our men home. For many on PTO, drugs played a big role in the crimes that were committed. Many more will tell you that they are now recovering addicts, having left that life behind.

But even more of us will tell you that WE have accepted WHATEVER responsibility WE had in creating OUR situations.

You need to do the same.

And when you do, you'll find that you are more at peace with the process, instead of a boiling mess of irrational emotion.

to all of your replys,
Thank-you. i did not expect any sympathy. I also know that he will hae to pay for what he has done in some way. yes i want him home. we had a great relationslp before this. no abuse hardly any arguments. we talked things out and worked on problems together. now of course he's been off te drugs because of being incarcerated. i have been clean for the pat almost 6 months now. have not touched anything and i have no intention of ever touching it again. i really learned a tough lesson on this one. i will get help if i feel tht i am being pulled in that dirrection again. right now i am cool. he says he will not g back to them either. i can only pray that when he does get out he will stick to this. i really want a life with him but i also know that drugs cannot be a part of it. i belive that he does, but for right now all i have is his word, and i do belive his word because i have never had a reason to doubt it until this has happened. he is willing to do whatever it takes to make a life for us. i am too. I am not offended by what any of you have to say. i just really want more insight on this from an outside view. i know it hard to give insigt since you all only have my word on this but i've tried to give a acurate account of the happening. i have to much feeling in this to be unbiased. i know his son will stay off the drugs now. he has finally grown up and realizes that his responsibility is to himself and his children. he is going to get a diorce from his wife, sho now has a boyfriend and still wants the drug scene. he want to try and get his life back when he gets out. he use to have everything most people ever want. a nice 4 bedroom brick home, nice vechicles, home on the lake, $80,000 yearly income at a job that he enjoyed. he lost t all because of drugs. lost that and did whatever he could daily just to get a high for that day. he's in treatment now and he's doing good. hope he keeps it up. we all know that the outsid is different from being on the in. temptations everyday. as for me, i will accept the consequences of whatever happens and live with them. make the necessary changes and pray that all will work out. he knows what he's looking at. i belive in my heart that he has changed and will not start with the drugs again. i know if it wasn't for them we wouldn't be in this sitution. thanks for you input. but i tell you, i do wish it was different. but i want honesty, not a bunch of bull . thanks again.

I believe you may have saved 2 lives that day. If this hadn't happened, where would you be today, or tomorrow? Now is time for both of you to put in the work. I agree with the others. You both need counseling, drug treatment and decide that you want your future to be better than your past. You both will have to commit to make it work, but think of how positive your life will be together.

Thank MountainMom. He said the same thing to me at one of our visits when he was still in county. Said I did the right thing to call because i saved him and most likely myself because he was out of controll. I agree about the counseling and all. Thanks again.

Upset~
I hope that you can really grasp the concept of addiction and one day admit to yourself that you shouldn't be waiting until you feel you are" being pulled inthe wrong direction" again before you will seek some type of treatment or counseling for your addiction. Other wise, simple and true... you are just going through the motions. Being active yourself in counseling and/or NA will be positive re-enforcement to your BF to also do the same when he is out.
And from jump street... on a side note, i fail to see how your BF's son got your BF on drugs. We all have choices. And after we make these choices we sometimes have consequences. I understand that you think that the drugs are the main reason why the abuse took place, but I do not agree. To me, they are separate issues to be dealt with on an individual basis... just my opinion.:twocents:

I really do wish you and Him the best of luck in your life and keep coming back here. There are a lot of wonderful people here who will support you and give their honest opinions and heart felt advice.
Blessed Be and Take Care!
;)

being so firm in your decision to remain sober it would be wise to add other input from an aa/na support group.just go and sit in...you will begin to feel comfortable and want to go when you hear other people;s struggle.it is only re-inforcement to help you achieve your goal(to remain sober).you wil be happier,stronger with a clear head and goals to fillit with.we have to have something to relate to in a critical time involving drugs.resources like aa/na mettings,PTO are very good ways to empower yourself.and it is necessary to go.all your confidence is meant to be used constructively and aa/na meetings do just that.good luck and i got you in my prayers.