johnsmainegirl
02-23-2007, 11:51 AM
Hi everyone,
I won't go into specifics about what my name is or where I'm from but I do have a story to tell. It's my story and it's not over. Far from over...
I am a 34 year old woman who has been married and divorced twice. I left my second husband for my recent boyfriend (for the better I thought...ya right). I have an 8 yr old daughter from my first marriage and she's a delightful girl!!! Very smart, witty and full of spice.
Growing up, I lived on a horse farm and used to watch as my father would beat the horses senseless. He was (IS) a major control freak. My mother catered to his every whim and always has. She continues to do so. I didn't spend much time with my parents, they were always out partying or living a carefree lifestyle while I stayed with my grandparents (my fathers family). My mother was always too busy "chasing" my father down and trying to keep his "you know what" in his pants.
My first marriage lasted all of 2 years. One year in and one year separated (while divorce pending). During that marriage my husband had put a gun to my body and threatened to kill me and then himself. I was 3 months pregnant at that time.
My second marriage lasted all of 2 years. He used to beat my dog and be cruel to my daughter. I finally left that mess for the new man whom I love with all of my heart. Turns out this man was my second husbands best friend (best friend no more).
The man I live with now is great with my little girl. Treats her like a queen and for the most part, treats me good too or so he's getting better at treating me everyday since his arrest November 4th, 2006.
I didn't want to post (as I've posted to another forum before only to find out that they investigated and found my posts which were used in a court of law!) Now I post simply because it's therapeutical to let things go. Things you never think you'll forget but want to. You want to forgive and forget and some days you can do better than others. Some you just can't let go and wonder when the next fit of absolution will come. That's me. Always wondering.
My BF started off by accusing me of still having contact with ex husband #2. I wasn't. His jealousy got worse to the point where I had to call police and put a restraining order against husband #2 if I wanted to be with the new BF. I did so because I loved him and wanted to prove how much I wanted to be with him.
I stopped visiting my family or going anywhere (with friends) that he didn't want me to do or go. We went everywhere together (and still do!). While this is sometimes I a good thing, it can also be a bad thing too. You wonder if you can ever be trusted enough to go somewhere alone and not have to worry when you get back home.
He called me every name in the book. My underwear were ripped off in a fit of anger one night leaving a mark accross my hip and buttocks, the semen check being done to see who I'd been with. I felt humiliated and dirty after that. All of that because I said I didn't think we should have children (he was to have vasectomy reversal surgery a few days after). I bawled.
My nightgown was ripped off on another night after being followed walking down the road barefoot (the bottom of my feet, cold, barred and bleeding) scared to death that he would come after me, beat me, or kill me. All I knew on that night is that I wanted to get away. Taking me inside and roughing me up some more in a jealousy fit.
He would always end but never apologize. Sometimes he would cry and feel awful and justify his behavior by something I had done to provoke him.
One night we got into a bad fight and he put his fist to my chin (holding it there hard, but not hitting me) because of his anger fit. The curtains were torn down in our brussle and my fighting back, I bit him as hard as I could. He ended up crying that night too. There was a bruise left to my chin to where he'd put his hand to it, but not "hitting me".
I always had bruises, on my arms usually from being pinned down during intercourse. Sometimes I had them on my legs too. They were not purposeful bruises but accidental and during consentual intercourse usually. I never denied him intercourse and if I did, I mightswell prepare myself for a battle. "No" is not a word in his vocabulary.
I do everything from cooking to cleaning but most of the time I felt like it was never good enough. I still do and now I do not complain as much. I actually enjoy it for the most part. I feel lucky to be alive and doing well and to have his attention. Am I crazy? My therapist says I suffer from Stokholm syndrome. So I looked it up....
One day in a fit of rage I was thrown over a table/chair in the kitchen as I was making apple squares. The apple peelings were thrown accross the kitchen floor and he lashed out grabbing me over the table/chair. I felt myself fly and hitting my head, my foot and my left knee. I couldn't breath because I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. That day after yelling and screaming and calling me names, wanting me to "rest up" before I packed my things to leave, he calmly cleaned the mess up and then walked out the door to leave me behind. I called 9-1-1 and they came. I was taken to the hospital and he was arrested.
No, my BF doesn't drink and he doesn't do illegal drugs. Because he can't sleep at night he's now on Lexapro which I think has calmed him down some. I feel as long as he takes them I will be OK.
He has been going against bail conditions (we have) as he is not supposed to be with me. We still live together. I have since left one other time, to go live in a shelter over an outburst. I stayed there one week to which time he begged me to come back promising that these things would never happen again and that he would do anything he could to BE better. We ended up back together but not until after he threatened to kill the cat (by leaving him out in the cold), then dumping him off at a friends house, etc. He went from hot to cold, from cold to hot at the drop of a hat -- doing the most impulsive things at times. You couldn't predict how he'd react to stuff.
The judge, being given the documents of my emails and posts to forums (to which were found when investigated by the state) has decided to offer him 2 years probation for the last stint, menswork batterer intervention program certification, DV court, or 180 days of jail time. No contact will be granted unless I consent in writing (at my request).
I was upset that they found my posts so to all you women out there posting to these forums BE CAREFUL and know your abuser WELL.
:angry:
I was angry that my privacy wasn't protected by the state. He now will be able to see these items and I fear for what will happen when he does so I told him about them. He says he does not care and doesn't want to see any of the evidence. He already knows he will end up pleading guilty to put it behind us and taking the plea agreement. As long as we can be together forever.
I often wonder if my BF really loves me too. We started as friends for many years before we got together. Our love did not begin as sexual trysts and I did not cheat without knowing that my second ex husband was "with another woman". I had never known him to be this way and he always says he was never that way.
Since he went on medicine and accepted his behavior for what he's done, he's apologized and decided to do whatever he can to get better. I am giving him that chance. With any luck there are GOOD stories out there and I can have one with a good ending. Call me crazy for it but not everything is as bad as it seems. He now does everything for me, from helping with the house work, to helping cook, to making sure I have the things I need, starting my car up on cold mornings, buying me sweet gifts on valentine's day and birthdays. The medicine seems to be doing him good and I feel lucky to have a man willing to do this for me. I hope he stays on it and that he is able to get through his intervention program because I know it will be a challenge for him and an expensive one.
I won't go into specifics about what my name is or where I'm from but I do have a story to tell. It's my story and it's not over. Far from over...
I am a 34 year old woman who has been married and divorced twice. I left my second husband for my recent boyfriend (for the better I thought...ya right). I have an 8 yr old daughter from my first marriage and she's a delightful girl!!! Very smart, witty and full of spice.
Growing up, I lived on a horse farm and used to watch as my father would beat the horses senseless. He was (IS) a major control freak. My mother catered to his every whim and always has. She continues to do so. I didn't spend much time with my parents, they were always out partying or living a carefree lifestyle while I stayed with my grandparents (my fathers family). My mother was always too busy "chasing" my father down and trying to keep his "you know what" in his pants.
My first marriage lasted all of 2 years. One year in and one year separated (while divorce pending). During that marriage my husband had put a gun to my body and threatened to kill me and then himself. I was 3 months pregnant at that time.
My second marriage lasted all of 2 years. He used to beat my dog and be cruel to my daughter. I finally left that mess for the new man whom I love with all of my heart. Turns out this man was my second husbands best friend (best friend no more).
The man I live with now is great with my little girl. Treats her like a queen and for the most part, treats me good too or so he's getting better at treating me everyday since his arrest November 4th, 2006.
I didn't want to post (as I've posted to another forum before only to find out that they investigated and found my posts which were used in a court of law!) Now I post simply because it's therapeutical to let things go. Things you never think you'll forget but want to. You want to forgive and forget and some days you can do better than others. Some you just can't let go and wonder when the next fit of absolution will come. That's me. Always wondering.
My BF started off by accusing me of still having contact with ex husband #2. I wasn't. His jealousy got worse to the point where I had to call police and put a restraining order against husband #2 if I wanted to be with the new BF. I did so because I loved him and wanted to prove how much I wanted to be with him.
I stopped visiting my family or going anywhere (with friends) that he didn't want me to do or go. We went everywhere together (and still do!). While this is sometimes I a good thing, it can also be a bad thing too. You wonder if you can ever be trusted enough to go somewhere alone and not have to worry when you get back home.
He called me every name in the book. My underwear were ripped off in a fit of anger one night leaving a mark accross my hip and buttocks, the semen check being done to see who I'd been with. I felt humiliated and dirty after that. All of that because I said I didn't think we should have children (he was to have vasectomy reversal surgery a few days after). I bawled.
My nightgown was ripped off on another night after being followed walking down the road barefoot (the bottom of my feet, cold, barred and bleeding) scared to death that he would come after me, beat me, or kill me. All I knew on that night is that I wanted to get away. Taking me inside and roughing me up some more in a jealousy fit.
He would always end but never apologize. Sometimes he would cry and feel awful and justify his behavior by something I had done to provoke him.
One night we got into a bad fight and he put his fist to my chin (holding it there hard, but not hitting me) because of his anger fit. The curtains were torn down in our brussle and my fighting back, I bit him as hard as I could. He ended up crying that night too. There was a bruise left to my chin to where he'd put his hand to it, but not "hitting me".
I always had bruises, on my arms usually from being pinned down during intercourse. Sometimes I had them on my legs too. They were not purposeful bruises but accidental and during consentual intercourse usually. I never denied him intercourse and if I did, I mightswell prepare myself for a battle. "No" is not a word in his vocabulary.
I do everything from cooking to cleaning but most of the time I felt like it was never good enough. I still do and now I do not complain as much. I actually enjoy it for the most part. I feel lucky to be alive and doing well and to have his attention. Am I crazy? My therapist says I suffer from Stokholm syndrome. So I looked it up....
One day in a fit of rage I was thrown over a table/chair in the kitchen as I was making apple squares. The apple peelings were thrown accross the kitchen floor and he lashed out grabbing me over the table/chair. I felt myself fly and hitting my head, my foot and my left knee. I couldn't breath because I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. That day after yelling and screaming and calling me names, wanting me to "rest up" before I packed my things to leave, he calmly cleaned the mess up and then walked out the door to leave me behind. I called 9-1-1 and they came. I was taken to the hospital and he was arrested.
No, my BF doesn't drink and he doesn't do illegal drugs. Because he can't sleep at night he's now on Lexapro which I think has calmed him down some. I feel as long as he takes them I will be OK.
He has been going against bail conditions (we have) as he is not supposed to be with me. We still live together. I have since left one other time, to go live in a shelter over an outburst. I stayed there one week to which time he begged me to come back promising that these things would never happen again and that he would do anything he could to BE better. We ended up back together but not until after he threatened to kill the cat (by leaving him out in the cold), then dumping him off at a friends house, etc. He went from hot to cold, from cold to hot at the drop of a hat -- doing the most impulsive things at times. You couldn't predict how he'd react to stuff.
The judge, being given the documents of my emails and posts to forums (to which were found when investigated by the state) has decided to offer him 2 years probation for the last stint, menswork batterer intervention program certification, DV court, or 180 days of jail time. No contact will be granted unless I consent in writing (at my request).
I was upset that they found my posts so to all you women out there posting to these forums BE CAREFUL and know your abuser WELL.
:angry:
I was angry that my privacy wasn't protected by the state. He now will be able to see these items and I fear for what will happen when he does so I told him about them. He says he does not care and doesn't want to see any of the evidence. He already knows he will end up pleading guilty to put it behind us and taking the plea agreement. As long as we can be together forever.
I often wonder if my BF really loves me too. We started as friends for many years before we got together. Our love did not begin as sexual trysts and I did not cheat without knowing that my second ex husband was "with another woman". I had never known him to be this way and he always says he was never that way.
Since he went on medicine and accepted his behavior for what he's done, he's apologized and decided to do whatever he can to get better. I am giving him that chance. With any luck there are GOOD stories out there and I can have one with a good ending. Call me crazy for it but not everything is as bad as it seems. He now does everything for me, from helping with the house work, to helping cook, to making sure I have the things I need, starting my car up on cold mornings, buying me sweet gifts on valentine's day and birthdays. The medicine seems to be doing him good and I feel lucky to have a man willing to do this for me. I hope he stays on it and that he is able to get through his intervention program because I know it will be a challenge for him and an expensive one.