HI everyone i just had a quick Question
I have been in an abusive relationship
have any of yall ever heard of a success story where the husband/boyfriend ever truly changes.

My son's father sounds really convincing but when ever i think about him i always get an uneasy feeling.
can they ever be trusted again?

He wants to change and be a father to our son he is currently in prision right now and yes i know men will say anything while they are in prision
but he also said he completed an anger manegment coure while in there.
I dont except his phone calls and i dont write to him but i get a leter almost every day.

needing alot of advice


Oh and do ya know what kind of counceling the offer when the r out of prision like at any centers

You need to really read the post and replies on this forum. You will find alot of women saying that they don't change with counseling or anything else. Thers not alot of success stories. Just keep browsing and reading because from what I've seen on here it continues and get worst. You really need to trust that gut feeling your getting.....

Welcome, hon. Burdened is absolutely correct about the way it usually goes. Their fathering skills are usually sadly lacking, and any child who grows up in an abusive household will be scarred far worse than if his father were not in the picture.

Anger management is not the right re-training for him, so don't expect anything but better psycho-babble from him . . . it makes them sound like they have lots of new answers, but all they ever absorb are words, not ideas or new behavior patterns that might keep you safe.

Read. Read lots and lots, at the library, online or wherever else you can find info about abuse. And if you haven't contacted a Domestic Abuse hotline, then do it. They have a lot of free counseling that can help you be clear about how to handle yourself and help you think more safely.

Most men that I know that are abuser have not changed and never will they have taken court order anger class's and some took the class's in prison. Yes most men say they want to be a better father and be in thier lifes but most lie at least in my case he did he has been out for years and might have seen the girls like 10 times most. To me it is better that my girls dont see him cause he is a drunk and druggie. Just becareful on what you allow to happen.
Keep reading in this forum there are alot of wonderful women and men in here that give alot of advice.

I wouldn't believe anything he said unless once he got out he got into counseling and truly learnt why he was violent. No way would I let him move back in for atleast a year. If he is only in for a short time no way period. Good luck to you and this is just my opinion. I
have rarely heard of short timers and I am talking about a couple of years learning anything that kept them from violence.

thank you all for ya advice!!
I have been dealing with this in my head for about two years now. ( weather to believe him are not) And I read other peoples stories and I try to take everything they went threw and tell myself that Men don't change and that it will only get worst.
But I continue to find myself thinking that he might change. And I guess I fill a little stupid for that. but I just cant bring myself to stop loving him. it's been two years already and it will be another 3 before he get's out .
in the letters he sends he says that he knows he was a ass and that he is sorry for everything.in his letters he has never blamed me for putting him there he just always writes and say's he loves me and our son and ask every little detail about our child but i never answer him . I get a letter every other day sometimes two every other day.
you know it's weird we knew this couple and they were always fighting and she would always have bruises and my sons father would always talk down about her husband because the way he treated her. So i know he doesn't approve of the way he himself acted.

I'm just confused

Do you think a man who is willing to go to any type of counseling and get's back in to church.
and gives up the drug and alcohol.
should be given a second chance.
or do you think he would harbor some hostility for going to jail
in his letters he also says that when he gets out he wants to start working and providing for his son.
I know that he is a good provider and that he truly wants to be a father but I don't know if he could do it while acting like a loving person

I think it also depends on how abusive he actually was to you. I know some people might not agree, but I think there's a difference between if he slapped you across the face on one occasion and beating the shit out of you every other week.

Yes, sweetie, there is a chance he has changed, but the chance, as the women said before this, is VERY slim. My advice for you is to follow your heart, but also be VERY careful and ALWAYS put your son and your own safety first!

Maybe it would be a good idea to tell him, "Look, if you're serious about this then prove it to me. Get out and show me you're a changed man. Actions speak louder than words."

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

liza your right about people disagreeing with you :-) To me, a man should never raise his hand to the woman he claims to care about or love. It doesn't matter to me if it is a split second of anger or if he has that anger everyday/or week. If a man feels the need or right to knock a woman around she probably doesn't need to be in that relationship. You know some points in life are hard enough without worrying about the one person in your life that is supose to love you making you hurt and bleed. It doesn't make sense to me. I doubt anyone would put up with it from a total stanger on the street. Sorry if I offended anyone.

Do you think a man who is willing to go to any type of counseling and get's back in to church.
and gives up the drug and alcohol.
should be given a second chance.

to answer this question....yes i think that IF a man is willing to do all that when he is out of prison..than there is a possibility that he can change...but he has to admit that what he did was wrong and WANT to change for himself..not for you and i have learned that if he says he wants to change for you than more than likely he is lying.

Yes people can change according to the results conducted by a trait psychologist, “behavior is like aged wine it tends to improve with age”. Under these circumstances most would argue it’s going to take a lot to change this man. A lot of time, patience, counseling, ext. You do not deserve to be abused no human deserves abuse I cannot stress this enough, but since you are seeking advise I shall give it to you. We do not know enough about this man to determine exactly how to go about this process of change or if he has indeed changed but I wouldnt count on it or take him back in till he has proven it. What I can do is give you my opinion on where to begin,

KEEP YOUR SON OUT OF THIS PLEASE

Abrokenheart quoted

“he just always writes and say's he loves me and our son and ask every little detail about our child but i never answer him”

“Oh and do ya know what kind of counseling the offer when the r out of prison like at any centers”

“I just cant bring myself to stop loving him”

“I know that he is a good provider and that he truly wants to be a father but I don't know if he could do it while acting like a loving person”

You make it clear you want to help your ex when asking for advice on counseling when he comes home; you make it clear you can’t stop loving him; you make it clear he wants to be a good father, and then you inform us how he writes and asks about details of his son and you never answer him. If you truly want to help this man and expect at all for him to change and be a more, “loving person”, do not start by denying him of details of his child. Not only is this neglecting your son its neglecting your ex. You and your ex made the decision to bring your son in this world you didn’t do it all alone and therefore no matter how bad your relationship may be you should never deny one of at least details of his son’s life.

Let me give you another piece of advice - don't do a single thing for him. It is most important, if he really wants to change, to do all his own arrangements about getting counseling when out. If you do any of that for him, then you will never know if he really wants to do it. Keep in mind, too, that any good counseling course will want to speak with you separately, never together with him. And that it will take one to two years, if he completes it. Few do. If he doesn't complete the therapy, then you can be absolutely sure that he will slide downhill again in his behavior.

As to what Ala said above, I agree with the first half, but not with the second. The parenting skills of abusive men are pitiful. More often than not their behavior affects their children very badly. Until you know whether or not he has changed (and that you will not know until well after he is out AND doing therapy for about a year), he is not someone you really want to have in your child's life. The overaffection and then complete ignoring, then harsh words continually and inconsistently syscling through your child's life will only bring insecurity and fear in great measure.

I agree with you on the parenting part 100% nimuay.

Burdenwife your right I do agree that no child deserves any consequence of any kind of abuse, and it does have many affects on the children. Please let me make clear I was simplying stating if she planned on giving this man a chance or thinking about giving him a chance, (which is why I qouted her indicating she loves, and wants to help him) she should not be holding back details of their sons life. If she ends up back with this man in the long run it will be the child mostly affected by holding back the small details. I did a bad job making that clear I guess sorry. I study relationships like this and we all know for the majority of cases the women takes the man back. I am looking out for one person in this case and thats the child. If this man misses 5 years of his sons life when he comes home he may not feel as connected to the child and hold hostility towards the child. By even posting this thread brokenhearted is indicating to us she is thinking of taking this man back. I believe she wants him to change she has some sort of hope for this man or she wouldnt even be on here. Keeping your child from you is not a good start to recovery, nor would it be fair to any one in this family if she ended up back with him and he missed out on important details of his sons life. Writting her sons father with updates on his life doesnt mean her son has to have contact with him right now in till he has fully recovered. Basically if this man does in deed change which I belive brokenheated is hoping for the emotional damage done by not knowing what your son did or accomplished for 5 years could really effect a lot. I agree chances are this child was probably already affected by the abuse of his father and I personally would never put my child back in that situation but everyones situation is different and for this one if brokenhearted takes this man back her son will be affected so much more if she doesnt at least write his father with updates on him. This man is in prison physical abuse is impossable therefore would not be affecting the child right now. If brokenhearted decides not to take her sons father back and he comes home in 5 years and did in deed change he has every right to know his son, and have the chance to have a good relationship.

Coming back in - once you have been abused by someone, the best advice is "stay away". Brokenheart will have more negative reactions by having to constantly interact with someone who has put her in repeated peril. It's just the constant re-opening of a wound. Not good for her, and therefore not good for her son. I know that it would leave me trembling and in tears for hours, and sometimes days.
IF this man gets out of prison and has changed, then he can start a new relationship with the kid. Just as any man who would be marrying a woman who had children already would do.

Every person and their experience is different ala. I apologize to anyone that I may have offended but I still agree with nimuay about parenting. I have seen the outcomes of children being allowed to have the abuser contact or be a part of their lifes and it hasn't turned out well. The child either adapted to the life style believing it was a way a of life or they got hurt trying to protect the parent they know. The abuser being locked away really didn't give the support or have true parenting skills but has used the child to get closer to the victim...kind of like a piece in a game. That is just my opinion, and I see from the post on these threads that it has ususally turned out the same way for the many women here. Sometimes people give up their rights as a parent when they abuse that right by hitting or making the situation not safe for the other parent or child. Sometimes its just safer for everyone involved to move along and not keep waiting to see that change or chance the idea that things are different because they have a piece of paper from anger management or a domestic violence counselor. ( I have a safe drivers certificate but I also have 3 prior wrecks and was made to attend that class, I didn't learn nothing...haha)I just wish abrokenheart the best, whatever choice she makes about her baby's father. If she can forgive and feel secure that he has changed then God bless her with her choice. I don't mean to offend or argue with anyone in these forums. Myself, I wouldn't test or take the chance of my child or myself being harmed in the name of love.

I read a book on batterwives and men who batter them. It was something like encylopedia's on this subject. The history of men beating their wives go back along time ago(cowboy days). Once upon time it was legal- and there were rules : you had to whip your wife before the sun went down. The belt could be no more than a quarter of an inch thick. There were a set amount of licks as well.

Anyway I was very young then. But my conclusion is that men believed in whipping their wives then and they do now. Its just not legal. I also read that the woman taking this often becomes as sick as the man but she can be helped. The book said there was no help for the man.

Some men just locking them up once or twice will stop it. But you got those guys who will kill you are your children if thats what it takes to hurt you.

Those guys restraining orders , jail time , divorce will not help. He usually kills his mate when he realizes that he can't have hurt back. So you have to know when to let go.

One good sign is when your family and friends start to tell you he is going to kill you. Another sign is:beating you til the point of brutally and sending you to the hospital is a sign you have a killer. The beatings get worse because he thinks you are causing it and you are not learning your lessons and he thinks he is not severe enough and thats why he beats harder and more often.

Now on Maury's some guys say they have changed. But if he is on strong med's and the med's are not working for him that would be a sign to me.

But on the flipside you got those who make love like this sometime. I really hate to bring it up. Its kind a of fun and emotional. The making up and all that. Its just enough to - I think some of you might know what I mean.

Forgive me for saying this if I offended anybody.

But on the flipside you got those who make love like this sometime. I really hate to bring it up. Its kind a of fun and emotional. The making up and all that. Its just enough to - I think some of you might know what I mean.

Forgive me for saying this if I offended anybody.

My drug habit had its fun times, too, that does not mean it was good for me.

LMAO, okay to each their own I say but I don't see anything fun about being whipped up on and I don't see how positive emotion can come from it. Making up was always enjoyable after my husband and I argued but I believe I'd pass on being bruised or bloody to make it more exciting. Only my opinion...lol.

Anita - there's a world of difference between consenting adults in BDSM relationships and a man beating on his woman. In fact, there's nothing similar at all. You cannot make love with someone who has just drawn blood or broken a bone or busted an eardrum. Your body won't let it happen, your mind won't let it happen. Sex may happen, but for sure, not love.

Hello all! before I post my reply, I would just like to say hello to all of you here on the DV pages and anyone else that pops by. I haven't been around for awhile and thought I would stop in to see what was going on. Missed you all!:grouphug:

I suppose i come to this portion of the site first because one, it is where i feel I can offer the most advice to try and help people and two, I feel that I am drawn here by my own experiences and it is still after all this time away from my abuser, somewhat thereputic to me in a lot of ways.
I will answer this in the best way I know how, being objective and honest. In short, I will take 100 abusers and tell you that I think out of those 100, maybe 5 will change for the positive. My reasoning behind this is such:

1). Abusers phsycologically cross a line when then first strike another mentally and I feel that once they cross this line it becomes a behaviour and prevents them from changing because to the abuser, it is, or becomes their first action or reaction.

2) I think that while abusers express the need and/or desire to change, I think this is mostly because it has put them in a "bad light" and they find that their home life with the victim has become tense and uncomfortable. Naturally, they would want to set things back to the way they were before they abused their partner.

3) When kids are involved, I would say, LEAVE.. period. Dont give them a chance to offer numerous applogies and broken promises. This is not only obviously a bad environment for the kids, but they will learn that this type of behaviour is permited by one or both parents, so they grow to believe that it is okay. When you stay with an abuser, not only are you staying in an unhappy relationship, but you, ( i believe) are validating the abusive behaviour by staying.

While there may be those select few that will change for the positive and will never strike another person again out of violence, I dont think that there really are that many success stories. While this is very unfortunate, it seems to have been the case with almost all of the victims and abusers alike that I personaly have come into contact with.
I wish that my reply could be more positive and encouraging, I really do. We all who are DV survivors wish this I am sure of it. But, when you are ouside of a DV reletionship looking in, it seems to be a lot easier to notice the red flags and the warning signs for all of those who are still on the " inside". While some of this may be " hindsight is 20/20", I think most of it is the experience of actually living with an abuser, and leaving and then , Like myself becoming a survivor.
It , to me becomes a learning experience!

I remember still though all to well, the feelings I was going through while on the "inside". The feelings of helplessness, lack of self worth, sadness, depression, anger, despair, emptiness and just pure torture at times. While on the "inside" we all want to believe and hope that they will change and that it was only" this one time", or, " they were drunk or on drugs, they wouldnt have done this otherwise". We all have been here. Denial is a DV victims worse enemy.


To all that seek the answers or advice to this question, ask yourselves do you want to risk your own happiness, self respect, self worth, safety, emotional and mental health and love of one's self on the mere chance they MAY change? Are you willing to allow your abuser to strike again and maybe the next time may be the last only because you are no longer around?

I really don't mean to sound over melodramatic, but this is all true and so not a movie. It has happened time and time again.

Life is so precious and truly is a gift. We all never know how long we all have here, so why I ask would anyone wish to spend this time unhappy and miserable?:)

I hope this helped and I really didn't intend on making it this long and drawn out, but if it truly helps only one single person.... I feel that I have done my part in helping someone changing their lives for the positive! And isn't that why we are all here after all? To support and be there for everyone? Stay strong. Believe in YOU. And most importantly, LOVE YOURSELF!!!;)
Blessed Be!

I lived with abuse for 12 years and no I don't think they change. Tell me this when he got angry, who else did he hit on or was it just you? He's in prison and looking for someone to hold on to. Don't fall for it. He made his own bed, let him lie in it. You deserve better.

LeBeau All of your post make so much sense and they are mine's and my man's favorite.
This one you make me laugh. No drugs here at least not me - my guy maybe. I do drink have my wine and cocktails. But I was like this before I ever started to drink.


But to all the women on here I am not in no way talking about some man drawing blood from me of knocking me with his fist silly. The beatings I have seen my sister take and go to the hospital and come back home(I never would have returned home I would be to afraid. I finally after 10yrs and him holding that gun on her - got him convicted(attempted murder).


A man having me to the point of fear - a warrant would definitely follow that kind of situation. I gotten a warrant just for my ex-hus slapping the hell out of me. Twice I got a warrant because he really didn't think it could be learning process with me. Just for one slap again.That guy and I didn't have this special kind of chemistry and love.(my baby wouldn't slap me like that either)

But my guy knows how to beat my a$$ and I like it. Its fun and the next minute he doing this sexual thing on me. He smiles about it. He gets jealous quick and I am doing provocative things to him.


But its not that serious and he loves me all the while he is pretending to hit me. But never with his fist and not really hard. Yes I have had my lip busted and I 'm bragging about that. Once my eye was a little bloodshot and once he pull to much of my hair out. He said it would grow back and I had lot of hair and could hide that little square inch.

He has been out since Dec and I already got one threat and I just got quiet and turned on. My guys knows I like this jive but he's got sense. He has told me some women like that - ask me was I one of them women and I didn't answer him. I would never on up to that to him if I had to.

Do you all undertand? This is love at its best that I am talking. When a man loves woman he is not going to want to really hurt you like that if he can help it. Some guys are sick and need meds and don't know it- that why some just can't be helped.

Busted eardrums and broken bones ; the prosecutors would be my friends.
All that kind of madness, high noon the next day he would be a fugitive.
Thats not sexy and fun at all.

Anita, do you have a way out if you don't like what's happening when all this "sexy" violence is happening? Do you and he have an agreed-on safe word that makes it all stop IMMEDIATELY? If you don't then I'd suggest that you start talking about one.
I have never had a time when violence make me feel turned on, (but I know that's not true for everyone), so what you're talking about sounds like working a highwire without a net.

Maybe I just have never been in a real bad situation. I can't see nothing like what other see. Its not like it a long session.

I have never in my life met an abuser that changed. Now I have met many abusers take numerous anger management classes. If possible, try to find out if that class that he took in prison was for good time off his sentence, or if it is just to make him look good in your eyes.

An abuser of weaker people than themselves can only change if they believe they have a problem and try to help themselves along with trying to "like" themselves. Usually an abuser has been abused and the cycle goes on. I do believe some people born with brain damage can wreack havoc on others in many ways if they don't understand right from wrong or have no joy in their life and no conscience at all. (like a sociopath or narcasistic person) Anybody that falls in love with or trys to have a relationship with someone like that will be pulled down to ground level - their love can't pull those people up to stop their hurtful ways. You just have to give up and let whatever happens happen but NOT TO YOU.

I agree with many of you. I am a DV and SA Advocate. I encourage women who are in an abusive relationship to contact their local DV and/or SA program. An advocate can help and support you in your time of need. My opinion is if he has been or is abusive ( and I mean not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, verbally, and sexually) and says he has changed or will change ladies it is time to move on. Stay away. Abusive once, abusive twice and so on. I am not an expert but I see women and this issue a lot.

I think it depends on their willingness to change. Say if they became a christian? You never know what can happen.

Yes I was abused and my man is in jail too. WE love one another and I am willing to wait for him however long that may take.

Its a really hard question to ask, for noone knows if anyone is gonna change for the better. I am hoping and praying my man does.

steff hate to blow your bubble, but think..look at all the people who call themselves "christian" and who are so far from anything like that! too many people call themselves christian and are the furthest thing from being that. they can be the most hatemongering, jugdemental people on earth! especially fundamentalist, they are as scary as fundementalist islamists. way too extreme. you cant change anyone! only yourself hun!

i agree steffy,some men do change,i have seen it..but alot don't..i think it depends on the person and if that person really wants to change..my brotherinlaw beat my sister badly,all the time we didn't know intill he hit one of my nephews then all the crap came out,the piece of shit,but he went to angermanagement and it helped him so much,its been 3 years since he went to jail and angermanagement and he hasn't laid a hand on any of them..but angermanagement don't always work,but i think the person has to sincerely want to change and make things right,and be honest with themselves about what they have done before they can change..i wish you luck with you and yours and hope all works out..

i agree with you also wendi,as far as the so called christians go,i know alot of people who go to church and are the biggest judgemental people i know,but like abusers they are not all the same,some are true to form,where others may not be.and noone can honestly say abusers don't change cause i have seen it,its the person not the whole group just like with christians....

That is way awsome that you have witnessed an abuser changing kailbabe. And I don't mean that in awful way...I think thats something that all of us wish and pray for when we have had a beater in our lifes. I hope your sister counts her blessings and understands she is one of the lucky ones. sokie

agreed sokie,the thing is sometimes its too late,and stuff is unforgiveable,my sister is with her husband but she can't stand to be around him,i tell her she should just move on with her life if she is out of love with him but she uses him for his paychecks.i tell her 2 wrongs don't make it right,and she just would rather be with someone she is no longer in love with rather than give up the money he makes..i enjoy being by myself now,i mean sure i get lonely sometimes but nomore will i except what don't make me happy...i am really happy your baby is home sokie,things are looking up for you and that is really great...

Thanks kali..I love having her here where I can take care of her.I am sorry your sister isn't happy. Money is a wonderful thing but I learned first hand it doesn't count much compared to loving someone. (want to see these hospital bills? haha) And I understand what you mean about being alone if you have too because I plan to be there for along--I mean along time if it means no more beating or being afriad--it won't happen to me again. ((hugs)) sokie

Kalibabe - an acquaintance of mine has just finally left her husband. 27 years. Kids are almost grown and the HATE their father. Who has a second family, right in the same town! She stayed because of the paychecks. He verbally abused her, the kids, the dog. . . and she's having to recover from his verbal abuse now. She is shrivelled, wary, broken, and far older than her years, but still somehow made the decision to divorce him to leave. It took the support of family, friends and a whole neighborhood. She's still, 5 months later, a seriously emotionally crippled woman. She stayed far too long . . . all because of those paychecks.