I located my biological father and he is serving a life sentence for murder. Before I knew the facts I told myself that I could handle this as long as it wasn't a child or a woman. Then, I found out it was a 63yr old woman at that! I don't know how someone could do that. I have been talking with this man via snail mail. He said he didn't actually do it. He says he was with two other men who went inside while he stood outside. They went to the house to rob the old ladies that lived there. He claims he didn't know that they had killed the woman until it was too late! I don't know if I should believe him or not? How do I forgive him? How do I deal with this. I really want to know this man considering the fact that he is my father and I have felt a great void in his absence. Does it make me insaine for wanting to have a relationship with a man who is convicted for murder? SOMEONE PLEASE give me some advice! This is so traumatic for me.

Welcome

Sweetie.. you are not wrong or insane for wanting to know your dad. Maybe he is telling you the truth, or maybe he feels lying to you is protecting you. Either way, you keep on communicating until you decide for yourself if you want to be part of his life or not. Unfortunately we can't pick our parents, and I'm sorry you're feeling a void.

((((((( hugs )))))))

If you want to keep having a relationship, then you should. I am adopted and found my biological parents, too. I finally met them and that curiousity and need was fulfilled. It seems to give you closure or fill a void that no one else can fill. I really don't even keep in touch with them anymore but I am really glad I got to know them and meet them. I still write to one of my "sisters".
Good luck. Remember don't take anything your father has done personally. It's no reflection on you. How long has he been in? How long does he have to go on his sentence?

my heart goes out to you! welcome to PTO. may you find the comfort you seek. perhaps your story is the reason i never looked for my own dad. the last i heard, he was a Cuban gun runner, in the 50's, which may accout for my own son's wild streak. Josh looks NOTHING like his own dad or his dad's side. as he grew i wondered where in the world he came from.......one day it hit, YOU must look like my dad!! he does look a lot like my mother's brother.

i can only imagine what you are thinking now. do yourself a favor, write down how you feel, free flow for an hour or so and then put it away. when you feel up to it, go back and read it, write some more, then put it away, repeating this till you get it worked out. it WILL pass.

My thoughts are with you... What he's saying could be true... Who's to know for 100%? It's your dad and you've been seeking him so if it were me I'd write for awhile. You can always change your mind later....Just for today...

Deb

My father was sentenced to life for murder, 50 years for robbery and 10 to 20 for beating a person. He has been in prison for 17 years and he is trying to parole in Oct 03. I don't think he will be granted parole. He is considered one of the most dangerous prisoners at the place he is. He also wrote me and confirmed that I do have a sister and that she and he mother made it clear that they wanted nothing to do with him. He told me he was afraid of the crap they would tell me about him. That really scares me. He doens't know where to begin looking for her either. I have so many lose ends right now. This whole thing is throwing me out into the sea of depression.

NOTHING throws you out to a 'sea of depression' except yourself. this has NOTHING to do with you. this man made his choices and now you are finding out about them. that's YOUR choice and it's also your choice how you will respond. don't give this guy any more power than nessesary, he has none! unless YOU give it to him.

Your BF (biological father) sounds like he cares what you think. That's something, I guess. Hey, you know, you don't have to love or accept this man to be alright with yourself. If you find that you don't like him, that's OK. Just cuz he is your BF doesn't mean you HAVE to have a relationship with him. You sound like you are really having a hard time with all of this. Maybe you should go talk to a counselor. Everything will be OK. Remember that. Things like this are always traumatic when they are fresh and until we can process everything in our minds. Time heals. Protect yourself though and know that you WILL get through this and probably learn ALOT from it. You will be OK.

If you really want to know the facts about your bio father's crime, you can do a bit of searching for the court case and, with the date, search the newspapers from that time period. Decide in advance, however, if it's really going to make a difference to you in the relationship and how much you really want to know. A counselor on hand to process it all would probably really help you. Also, about your sister and her mother - your father should be thinking of YOUR best interest in finding your sister, not just in protecting himself. There's a little clue, there, about how he thinks. But most people want to present their best side - especially to their children!! People can change but you'll have to get to know him to figure out who he is now - you just have to do what feels right to you. Zelda

my dad , was in and out of SQ in cali , matter of fact after he passed , i found out i was conceived while he was still down , and that he made my mother take a blood test , and i was indeed his child ,
while in for armed robberies , and agravated type things , he made me , i am a good person , while my mom was waiting for him to come home , he killed a fellow inmate , ( said the inmate try to sexual make him do something so he bit his penis off , and the man died , ( i have read the letters of his detailed prison life that he wrote my mom , and spoke with his family ( whom never had contact with me thru my life and still dont ) except for one couisn , his fab niece that did write him ,

when i was atean ager , he got out , but my mom was remarried , and she had moved on , i saw him 3 times in my life thats all ..he called only when he was drunk ( after release ) and could never even remember my children or husbands names , matter of fact , it sickened me to hear him all drunk up , every holiday , tellin me he loved me , ect , but i listened , sometimes he got beligerent , i would hang up , he wouldnt remember the next time anyway ,

he died several years ago , he apparently had my picture at 13 with him , on our 3rd and final meeting and my address , when the police came i didnt cry , i made the necessary calls ,, and flew to cali with borrowed money , from my hubbys boss , i did what needed to be done , came home , and cryed , not for me , but for him and what he missed ,

see i am a beautiful woman with a lovingfamily , he missed out not me , i cryed for the children he never once talked to , i refused to let my kids talk to a rambling drunk , who didnt know their ages or names , he missed out , not i

u must do whatever u feel , u are not bad , it isnt genetic , its all about choices, i am 36 , i made my choice , and stil have no doubts , matter of fact , i still havent tryed get any monies although folks have said i am applicable , i feel if he had wanted me to have it he would have put my name on it , so let them keep it

u can pm , me if ya like , hope this made ya feel , un alone ,

Within the past 2 years I discovered that my long-dead father may have killed his first wife. He had the personality and temper for it, and my siblings show the same traits I have (violent outbursts etc.), so this really scares me. Not that I'd harm my own family, but that there's some seed within me that could just take over. I've told myself it was the alcohol, the pressure of WWII (this was in Hawaii in the Navy at the time), etc. But the fact--or the chance--that my old man murdered someone just won't go away. How do the rest of you deal with this? I'm not deranged, just confused. Thanks for any comments. RK

Ralph,
When you say "violent outbursts," if you mean they are verbal and not physical, then I would take that as a sign that you have a much more evolved view of "violence" than your father apparently did.

It sounds like whatever violent outbursts mean to you, you're not enjoyimg them. There are a lot of things you can do about that.

Here in New York we have active chapters of an international program called the Alternatives to Violence program (AVP) that actually began in prisons but spread to the community. They talk about something called Transforming Power (NOT a traditional religious concept necessarily) with which you shift the energy of a situation in positive directions before it even starts to go sour.
I've never taken it (always wanted to) so I won't try to get more specific, but a friend is a volunteer trainer at max facilities and an extraordinarily awesome woman. The curious should look it up, I think it's called avp.org.

But there are many, many different ways to get past an anger problem- from church to meditation to cognitive therapy to an anger management course I found online developed by noted clinical and forensic psychologist Peter J. Favaro, who’s evaluated over 6,000 high-conflict family and criminal court cases. That one costs $125, "including a tape recording of final exam results suitable for voice verification and a notarized statement of completion," no less.

The course, entitled “Mastering Calm”, offers “coping skills to help censor angry responses and learn more appropriate ways of behaving in frustrating situations.”

Stuff like this is way underutilized both within and without the System, I think. )I rather scathingly suggested that they send my own "violent" friend to one such rather than spend thirty grand a year feeding him, but it's actually a couple of the police around here I had in mind and the DA. Heck we spend sixty and a hundred-plus thousand a year feeding them respectively.)

My point is, (yeah I have one!) that "violent outbursts" of anything other than laughter aren't much needed in this world except in extreme self defense. There are other choices that are a lot more fun. (I ain't perfect this way myself. I drenched my verbally abusive exhusband with his own Diet Coke once and slapped him across the face another time. Not great memories.)

So if that's part of what's bugging you, take action. Conflict resolution ought to be mandatory stuff for all people in positions of power over others, not to mention inmates, but meanwhile we mellower types can still enjoy the benefits.

Maybe you should start researching this matter to really get answers? "The truth shall set you free"...you are, in some ways, imprisoning yourself with this and until you know the truth, you may just go nuts inside thinking about it.
OR, I agree with haswtch, a spiritual connection, whatever that may be for you, would be healthy. It'll help you learn to deal with and forgive the incident that may or may not have occurred. Anger management would be great, too! It'll teach you how to stop the cycle. You are already making progress, in that, you already have noticed that you have "violent outbursts" and a temper. My husband is convicted of murder and has done 20 years (I haven't been around for all that time), but I have looked past his actions into his soul...I have found the person he is, instead of what he's done. You should maybe do the same...remember the person he was instead of what may/ may not have occurred in his past.
Good luck, hun! <<<HUGS>>>