Hi everyone. I'm Linda and I'm married to a man who was physically and psychologically abused by his mother for 12 years. His best friend is also now seeking a divorce from his wife after years of physical and mental abuse at her hands. She is now making false accusations of assault against him and he is at his wit's end. Fortunately, not only my husband and I but the man's colleagues at work have also seen proof of the results of his wife's attacks upon him so hopefully he will be believed and not her.

We all know it happens. Abused men are a minority, but they're there, usually quiet, shamed and sorrowing. Best of luck to both of yours.

Dear Nimuay,

I suppose it depends on what you mean by a minority. In Britain, the latest figures for domestic violence show that 42% is inflicted on men by women. And when you consider that's just the REPORTED violence, and that far fewer men are going to put in a complaint than women, and that studies have shown that the true figure in Britain is almost 50-50 and that it is projected to rise to the point where MORE women batter men than the other way round, I think it is one of the great taboo problems in our society.

I have known battered women and know how horrible their experiences have been. I also know, though, that on the whole the police and the authorities listen to them with sympathy and understanding. There are public awareness campaigns for both victim and abuser (as long as the victim is female and the abuser male) but none of any significance for the reverse situation. Considering that domestic abuse in Britain is now almost 50-50, I think this lack of attention to it and lack of resources for dealing with it is laying the foundations for another silent crime to go unnoticed.

Love

Linda

Biglin - that's an amazing statistic. I'm quite sure it's nothing like that in the US, at least not for violence. As to verbal, I would agree that it's probably closer to 50-50.

I worked with a domestic violence prevention group for some years--the group was started by women for women and they were astonished at the number of men who began showing up asking for help (this in rural Minnesota). So, they put several men on the staff and we always had plenty to do.

When it comes to the most serious (and least common) form of violence, serious stuff involving weapons and serious threats to life, I honestly think the cases ran about 50-50 for women and men. Smashing furniture and physical abuse were pretty heavily weighted against the men, who were the vast majority of the perpetrators. Most of the cases I was involved with involved men who were being "abused" indirectly--phony police calls/restraining orders, threats, various forms of harassment, slashed tires, that sort of thing.

I joined the organization after two incidents. The first was that my uncle was beaten so badly by his wife that he spent several days in the hospital and more than a week in hiding. The second was a vigil held in front of the Minnesota State Capitol, as it is every year, in which lifesize cutouts of women who had been killed by their male partners were stood on the lawn while speeches were made and signs waved. There were 18 that year. And no mention of the ten men who had been killed by female partners during the same period, or at least one woman who had been killed by a female partner. I found it truly sad--and infuriating--that there was such a thing as a "politically correct" form of violence and murder and another that was not deemed worthy even of public mention.

I still regard violence against men as a silent and unrecognized epidemic in this country, and refuse to believe that an act of violence is significantly different merely because the victim possesses a Y chromosome. But society does not see it that way, as example after example continues to bear out.

Women hurting men:

I'm in a pickle about a recent murder in my neighborhood. It has been considered a domestic whereby man kills family then tries to kill self. Well I had seen a lot of fights there - but it was the woman beating on the man. He usually took flight and never once hit her back. he worked long hours to see his money vanish (drugs, gambling, etc.)plus he was getting abused.

Well One Day he hurt back - and I may be a witness re: the domestic problems. A member of her family "threatened" me already re: keeping my mouth shut and brought up my dirty HOUSE - My past - My sons' mental illness - WHICH is comparing apples to oranges I think. I know he should pay for killing his wife and her daughter - but I beleive he was insane at the time and is deserving of a little mercy.

Does that sound horrible to say? Mercy for someone who my have committd two homicides? Gosh I am so so sorry any of it happened - if people would have called the law (including me) when HE was getting abused - he may have been ashamed that it was in the open and simply moved on with his life.

If If If

MS DALTON i am sorry you feel this way.domestic violence is terrible either way you slice it.i pray that everything works out for the best.
DAVE you got my attention.

The statistics seem to show that about 1/3 of victims of domestic violence are men. The large differences seem to come not in number of incidents, though, but in injury... women are about 6 times more likely to be injured.
Also, as in my case, the aggression was his, but I was the one who actually "hit" - he was pushing, shaking me, trapping me in a room, and I hit him HARD and knocked him off his feet to get away. Since he had previously choked me, slashed our mattress with a knife and threatened to set the house on fire (actually poured kerosene around), I felt completely justified, BUT I was the only one who "hit" somebody.
The gradations and subtleties are endless.
I will still agree that I'm sure verbal abuse is 50-50.

One of my male employees is being terribly abused by his wife, and everyone seems to know it but him. She is horribly controlling, throwing tantrums and making public scenes when he doesn't give in to her every whim, holds the fact that she makes more money than he does (not by much...she just barely edges him out in the final count) over his head and uses that as a control issue, and has on more than a few occasions blown a gasket and beat on him.

He's a big, strong man, and she's a very petite woman... that's her excuse for getting physical with him ("oh come on, I can't hurt him!). But he's shown up with buises on his arms, scratches on his face, etc. When his friends bring any of this up, he makes excuses for her, saying that he "tries her patience," or that he has "put her through a lot in the past," (he had an alcohol problem in the past, but has been clean for quite awhile) and she is "under a lot of pressure" and "just has a bad temper" etc. Sound familiar, ladies? :(



It breaks my heart... he's such a sweet guy, and he's SO in love with that woman. :(

Women hurting men:

I'm in a pickle about a recent murder in my neighborhood. It has been considered a domestic whereby man kills family then tries to kill self. Well I had seen a lot of fights there - but it was the woman beating on the man. He usually took flight and never once hit her back. he worked long hours to see his money vanish (drugs, gambling, etc.)plus he was getting abused.

Well One Day he hurt back - and I may be a witness re: the domestic problems. A member of her family "threatened" me already re: keeping my mouth shut and brought up my dirty HOUSE - My past - My sons' mental illness - WHICH is comparing apples to oranges I think. I know he should pay for killing his wife and her daughter - but I beleive he was insane at the time and is deserving of a little mercy.

Does that sound horrible to say? Mercy for someone who my have committd two homicides? Gosh I am so so sorry any of it happened - if people would have called the law (including me) when HE was getting abused - he may have been ashamed that it was in the open and simply moved on with his life.

If If If

Mrs. Dalton, the only thing I can suggest is, decide how you'd act if the tables were turned. That is to say, if you knew it were the woman being abused all that time, who finally went off and killed the man... "battered woman's syndrome," if you will.

I'd also report the family member that is threatening you if I were in your shoes... witness intimidation is a crime. It sounds like the woman who was doing the abusing learned how from someone else in the family. That's truly sad. But the cycle has to stop somewhere... please don't let yourself get bullied out out of doing whatever right things you think should be done.

When I was leaving my house, the neighbors came out to say good-bye to me. There was alot of emotion, alot of I'm sorry's and alot of apologizes from both sides. Most of the people told me they didn't step in to help me because I kept going back--I kept staying in the situation. I guess what I'm trying to say is there are reasons for abuse going unreported on both sides of the situation. I mean now that I'm out of it I understand a little bit more and I sympathize with anyone being abused-men, women, children. Its a crazy world but people don't put themselves out there to help another if you aren't going to change the situation. Just my opinion. sokie

Dear Sokiegirl,

I love your rich and warm humanity and compassion! It doesn't matter who is abusing who - abuse is wrong. We all get frustrated in relationships but there is a line that most of us know we shouldn't cross and don't cross. Yeah, we might yell and get mad at each other but physical violence is definitely unacceptable behaviour by anyone.

My mother used to kick my step father's rear. I have seen her jump from an object and attack.. She burnt his face with a lit cig. and would try to stab him. He never hit her. She cussed him and his family repeatedly (every single member) I could never understand her. She was beaten senseless in the marriage before him and took that for years.