I have a question thats been bothering me. I dont doubt the love i share with my boyfriend and its hes as real as they come, but I am a little worried that hes going to come home and things will be "different". Not that we cant work theough "different", but what is things changed so drastically we cant get back to where we need to be? what if he or I changed so drastically that we cant see eye to eye? I want more than anything to be with him for the rest o my life, but insecurities keep arising. Any advicec?

RaW-Raswifey,

I split your question off into a different thread, so that there will be a better chance of others seeing it.

In answer to your question, yes he will come home "different" how different and in what way you won't know till he gets home.

We all change from moment to moment, you and I go off to work each morning, we are not the same person when we walk through the door that evening. Just that the changes are so subtle that usually, no one notices. This is the same but because of the length of time, and where he has been you will notice the changes.

Patience, I think is the key to dealing with the changes.

Be yourself, be supportive, loving and listen to him.

You two have the strength to survive the prison experience, you both have the strength to build a stronger relationship when he gets home.

Patti

I am going to get known for this here on PTO - if I am not already. LOL

Communication - you need to develop really strong lines of communication with your Partner. Patti has given you strong advice as well - patience is also key.

Talk to your boyfriend now and get to know his fears about coming home - he will have fears, and he may not want to talk about them right away... don't push him but start by talking about your fears of him coming home. Share your fears and get some conversation going. Once you have the issues, fears, and potential road blocks out in the open it is much easier to deal with them when they surface because you were expecting it. When something comes up that you were not expecting - step back - look at it with patience, and deal with it between you...

OK Ken, you get known for "communication" and I'll get known for "write the warden" and "call the media". LOL Seems like I'm saying those two things every other day. I'm trying not to sound like a broken record.

Will he come home different? Yeah, he will. I can already see the difference in my husband. Most marriage do not make it thru a major life change. We will just have to work extra hard to keep the communication open and hope for the best. I am a realist. I know the odds are against me so I make sure I am taking care of me and my kids first.

In my own experience, yes and no, I'm sure that helps :rolleyes:

The first few weeks I thought things would be different, but now, I just don't know.

I am sorry that I can't be more helpful here, my attitude sucks today because I have had it rough lately. I don't want to discourage you, nor give you false hope, but it's just not always Welcome Home, Sunshine and Rainbows.

I saw this show the other night on the Discovery Channel called Love Behind Bars. They said that when the loved one comes home that is when the relationship fails because of the change. It made me see just how hard this will be. But James and I have a very good communication process. He has told me from the begining that we won't make it if we don't talk to each other. And this is a topic we discuss alot. There will be changes when he comes home, because right now he is in this structered envionment. I have to understand that. We talk about it seriously but then we also joke about it as well like that I will have to get up early and announce chow time and fix him breakfast at some ungodly hour. I always reply that since I don't cook real well the food would probably be the same. Anyway just always talk to each other listen to his fears be patient let him do it on his own. James tells me things on his own time just out of the blue he'll be pouring his heart out then just normal conversation for weeks. Tell him your fears as well discuss every thing. James is not only my husband he is my best friend. Talk all the time be open and honest. I am new at this and learning everyday and I would not trade a single second with James. I hope this helps.

Spikeswife

No one that serves serious time comes home the same. I remember standing at doors waiting for someone to unlock them, even at stores. After living years stressed out its easy to snap on the outside.

When my husband came home he was very uncomfortable being around people, family or other. It took him about 6 months to get used to going out and doing things. His self esteem was pretty low, even with people who knew him since he was a baby.

Welcome to Ace Dog! I'm glad to see you here and hope to see you post more as time goes on and you feel like adding to the forum.

Nobody can help but be changed by prison, in my opinion. But you're going to change a lot yourself before he comes home, too. Life is a process of constant change for anyone. There's no way to predict in what ways it will change him to be in prison. It affects everyone differently. I guess it's like they used to say about joining the Army or the Marines--------"it will make you or break you". A person can either make it an opportunity for positive change or else allow it to harden and embitter them and have negative effects. Making it a positive is probably a lot harder than letting the negative take over. My cousin Bob has made it a positive and so has my daughter, but it had profound effects on them. My uncle was dead at 42, my family friend was on his way back before he ever got out and now he may never live to get out again, one of my brothers made it a positive and hasn't gone back, another dear friend made it a positive but died in a Texas prison just a few months from parole------it all depends on the person.

I know this thread is old people, but i just wanted to say how much it helps. There are so many threads back here i never looked at before. A lot of this stuff is my thoughts.

I look back all the time, I remember people and wonder how they are, this still helps to read for sure!!