hi all! my story is this-

my fiance is inside now doing 2-10 for attempted kidnapping and assault of me. when this first happened i had to take counseling from our local woman's shelter and that's where i learned that he abuses me. i decided to stay by him and stay with him. i have worked on changing things with me and he was supposed to work on changing things with him. at first i noticed a lot of changes, but now he is back to doing some of the same things he used to do. of course there is nothing physical now, but the emotional and verbal continue. right now he is witholding letters (all we have) because i was "mouthy" in my last couple of letters. i don't know what to do. i don't want to leave him-i love him. any advice from you girls who have stayed with your abusive man? thanks

I would suggest you stay in counseling. Good luck to you but you can only change yourself no one else. It takes time for change. Is he taking any classes or anger management classes, abuse if they offer them?

Strictly speaking, I'm not one to be answering your question. I didn't stay, because I couldn't keep making excuses for him.
If you've gotten the counseling, then you know the odds of him being able to actually refrain from abusing in the future. They're miniscule.
The essence of being an abuser is to have a narcissistic or psychopathic personality. That is almost incurable, and that is simply because they don't see what's wrong. Someone with sooo much self care can't feel anyone else's pain or sorrow. And they need to be worshipped and obeyed, not partnered with or companioned. If that is really what you have in mind as a life, then I guess that what's coming for you. If you begin to realize that this is a black hole of constant emptiness, no matter how much love you pour into it, then you'll tire of his constant and unrelenting neediness. You can't fix it, prison only makes them more narcissistic, and classes (good ones) are few and far between.

Any changes he makes will be cosmetic and temporary, because it's to his current advantage still to keep you as his emotional slave. You mean money on the books and letters at mail call.

You really need to continue the counseling, kiddo.

It sounds like he's still in the "blaming" stage, which means he isn't ready to truly look at himself and take responsibility. You have a right to your feelings and to express them to him. If he is still being emotionally abusive while locked up, his chances are very slim he will change. If I were you, I would move on. Sometimes, this can also be a wake up call to him to have to take responsibility for what he creates when you decide to leave him. Counseling for you is crucial to continue doing for yourself. You can also have a book sent to him through Barnes & Noble and see if he's willing to read it. A good one is "Stop hurting the woman you love". It totally opened my man's eyes and he was grateful I sent it, because he does take responsibility and is working toward change. If your man has substance abuse problems, he can attend AA inside once a week and there are other classes he can sign up for. My man is doing them all and just completed "Alternatives to Violence" class he volunteered to go to inside. Good luck to you!

I have to agree I am also not one to answer this question cause I am one that left too.. And the main thing that got me to rely doing some thinking was the Poem I read on here from a PTO member, Maybe you too should also read it... It's called "I got flowers today" I am sure most have already read it! I hope it helps you to realy stop and think.

thanks ladies for your input.

first, our problems are more emotional and verbal and control issues-no hitting, etc.

second, in michigan assaultive offenders have to take a.o.p. which is like intense anger management and he is on the waiting list. he also is on waiting list for substance abuse classes. i know he will do these classes because he has to, but i doubt he would do anything extra.

i am starting al-anon tomarrow night and i do have bi-monthly therapy still. i'm still hoping there are one or two ladies out there who have stayed and had it work and are willing to talk to me.

Hon, we don't care whether he hit you or not - words can do all sorts of damage to your soul without putting a single bruise on your body. And I doubt that it was as benign as your second post makes it sound, or he wouldn't be doing 2-10.
Keep reading about substance abuse and its coupling with abuse - you will find things that give you much insight (and if you want to, PM me - I've got a list of literature ). Be ever so careful about whatever course he is taking. If it doesn't include an interview with you (so there is a clear understanding of what his abuse style was) then the therapists end up simply with his side of the story. And even if he "takes responsibility" for that instance, it will leave out the true state of the constant and unending sorrow his abuse created = that day in/day out walking on eggshells, the fruitless search by you for ways to modify yourself to make him "happy", the stuff you did turning yourself into a pretzel for his approval.

Strictly speaking, if he is behind bars and still seeking to control, belittle and making you feel bad it is only a foreshadowing for what is to come. It sounds he is doing the typical jail talk, which sounds good.

Mine was not all that nice to me and hurt me alot. We actually broke up for almost a year because of his fooliness. Every now and again I see something that makes me go hmmm and I quickly bring it to the fore front. I will not sit back afraid anymore. He talks to me more and communicates better and shows some understading as to how we ended up where we did. But I had tostand my ground and I did. Your decision to stay is truly yours alone just don't let love make you a fool or even worse bury you.

Honey, love yourself enough to walk away if he can't do whats right. My motto is that they have to choices, cans so to speak. There is can A which is a can of act right or can B, a can of be gone, if you get my drift:)

i just want to point that if he is still verbally and emotionally abusive it is very likely to turn to physical abuse when he is released.you say he is doing the programs/classes b/c he has to.how do you figure him taking the easy route will keep you safe from him abusing you?it will only protect you if he recieves knowledge about his behavior and accepts that he is wrong...i understand that you want to work it out so here's what i propose:tell him that he has to FINISH the programs and accept that your input needs to be told-thats the only way they will get both sides of the story.also it would be good for you to find other groups that yall can participate in TOGETHER.it would be good for you to know what to look for also it would help you to know any options that you have and they will help you.i know this is hard and i think you should just leave-but i have to accept that is not an option right now and that YOU want to work it out.just get all the knowledge about abuse that you can.i pray that you find happiness in safety and know that you DO deserve to be happy.i got you in my prayers.

I just need to step in here for a sec - IF you find a therapist with a specialty in abuse, you WILL NOT be seen together, nor should you be. This is NOT about relationship counseling, but about him taking responsibility for his own ish, not him taking YOUR inventory by being part of your counseling. All sharing with an abuser manages to do is to give him MORE info about how to emotionallly hurt you. And he will. He'll store it up in memory, mull it over, and then out it will come, fire-hardened and sharpened, to lacerate your soul.

HI Jasonslove

Yes I plan to still support my abuser too I love him too much to let go.

I had 2 letters drawn up one a dear john and one a love letter and i mailed the love letter.

My man went to anger management classes etc.. and laughed in my face when he came back from them. He used to say power and control issues then try and use it against me. It was very hurtful but I think cause he has been in jail before on DV charges he reckons he knows best.
Though he abused me physically,mentally,financially,emotionally I still love the guy.

I told my counsellor this too and she wasnt very impressed.

But i am human and he makes me feel great and I like that feeling.

well i was with a man for 7 years that emotionally and physically abused me, and he and i had tried counselling and everything went well for a while. but then he started to go back to the way he was. my suggestion if you dont wanna leave him, atleast let him know that what he is doing is no longer gonna be tolerated and if he doesnt stop then you will leave him, and you know what? i was able to get out and i have been doing so much better with myself since. you can get out if you really want to. if you dont want to, well then please dont let it get out of hand, dont let him abuse you for years before you leave him, cause it might be too late. i was lucky, because my mom came and got me, otherwise i am not sure if i would have ever gotten out. i have been away from him for three months and he hasnt tried to contact me or anything.