View Full Version : one liner jokes


elsapunzi
01-21-2007, 09:23 AM
husband and I divorced over religious differences..... He thought he was God and I didn't.


2.) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.


3.) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on Me!


4.) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.


5.) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.


6.) Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.


7.) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.


8.) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.


9.) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.


10.) I'm not a complete idiot --Some parts are missing.


11.) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.


12.) NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room- spinning medicine.


13.) God must love stupid people; He made so many.


14.) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.


15.) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.


16.) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?


17.) Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!


18.) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.


19.) Procrastinate Now!


20.) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?


21.) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.


22.) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance


23.) Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!


24.) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.


25.) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.


26.) A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.


27.) Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a life time commitment for a pig.


28.) The trouble with life is there's no background music.


29.) The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.


30.) I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.






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Junipersmile
01-31-2007, 12:13 AM
Instant human! Just add coffee.

I'm not a pessimist. I'm just optimistically challenged.

A Pessimist is what an Optimist calls a Realist.

To do is to be [Descartes]. To be is to do [Voltaire]. Do be do be do [Frank Sinatra].

Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it shits on your head.

It takes 250,001 Americans to screw in a lightbulb. 1 to do it..and 250,000 to debate if it was politcally correct.

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?

I have not failed. I have just found ten thousand ways that will not work.

Fighting for peace is like having sex for virginity.

Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!