My son is almost 6 and has just started Kindergarten. This summer he has started taking small things from friends homes. Yesterday when i got to work a co-worker informed me that a decorated egg was missing from her desk. My son went to work w/ me Saturday and on Monday I discovered his new toy, (the egg). He had showed this egg to the other girls i work with and told them that his dad had painted it for him.

We have told him that his dad is in prison for "stealing". (Actually, he returned an item to Wal-Mart that wasn't on the up and up and tried to run when they were escorting him to the back of the store.) This made the charge go from criminal mischeif to Robbery. So to simplify things for our son we just said stealing.

I am thinking that he may be thinking that if he gets caught stealing he will be sent where his dad is. Anyway's i am thinking about meeting with the counsler at the school and explain our situation and see if she can talk/work w/him to evaluate how he is dealing with this.

At the same time I don't want to have him labled as a "problem" kid or stigmatize him with his dad being in prison.

Any offers of advice or suggestion would be greatly accepted in what might be the best thing to do.

How's his relationship with his dad? Does he really look up to him and seek his approval?

Also does he get to visit dad in prison?

If the answer is yes then it might help if his dad could have a talk with him and let him know that he is disappointed and concerned that he would make the same mistake that he had. You know something to the effect that dad says, 'I need to know that you will never do something like that again. Because it would break my heart if one day you had to go to a place like this for taking something that's not your's. Promise me that I never have to worry about that.'

Just an idea. Kids are always seeking the approval of someone. Who does he want to make proud? That's your person. Just be careful not to label him as you said. Schools have a tendency to do that. I'd keep it private.

i agree with all those ideas ,

when a parent is in jail , and the child still has contact , the parent still needs to parent , have your man talk to him ,

and i suggest counseling , not that he is bad or trouble , but to allow him to talk about how he feels w3ithout dad , and their may be things he wont tell u ,

He sees his dad every weekend but won't talk to him on the phone. They are very close and always has been. They have had the "talk". But it seems like lately he is showing more signs of the situation bothering him.

He won't wipe his milk moustache off cause he has one just like daddy. and Telling the girls at work lies about his dad sending/painting him stuff.

He never has talked about him or him being gone much to me. His left the first time when he was 2 y/o and didn't get out till he was 4. Then he went back in one year later. and is still currently in.

I am sort of in the same situation Stephen and I have 5 kids all under the age of 7 (2 of them boys) and Stephen is in for theft "stealing" I have been very open and honest with my children about what happened with Stephen and they know that he is in so he can work to pay back the money to the man (my way of rationalizing to them why he had ot go away-sort of a time out PLUS he has to work to make things right) My oldest son (6) is very very much attached to Stephen but he doesnt communicate his feelings to me like my girls do. He acts out when he is hurting--hitting his siblings or just being nasty. soon after Stephen went in he stole a pack of gum from walmart-when I found it I confroted him and I reminded him that if you steal you will go to jail and his response was good I will be with dad. this freaked me out-I didnt want him to think that jail was ok cause his father is there but I also didnt want to scare him and tell him how bad jail actually is. I was really unsure of what to do-I told Stephen and he had a private heart to heart talk (I sat aside) at a visit about being a good person and doing the right thing, then we went back to walmart and I had him return the gum and tel the lady he had stolen it and apologize. I also contacted the school counselor and I didn't tell her about the stealing but I explained our family situation adn asked if both my kids that were in the school could get some counseling-just a place where maybe their deeper feelings can be brought out. it was a way for me to get some outside help with this without having my kids labeled.IT has been almost two years and they seem to be dealing with things alot better. We have regular times when we just sit down and talk about daddy, make up a little scene about how it will be the first day he comes home, we collect little presents for him whenever we see somehting he will like or fo rhis birthday and X-mas and put them in the "present" box, and they knwo that they can come to me at any time and I will stop whatever I am doing to comfort them or just listen whatever.

My thoughts on your situation is that I think it is very important that when he took the egg he showed it off as something his father made for him-maybe he is missing his bond with him. if he doesn't already maybe your husband can send a special letter or drawing just for him. Stephen does this every once in a while and they go crazy, tack the pictures on the wall and put their letters in their own special place (their underwear drawer :D ). I dont know if this helps you any but let me knwo if I can do anything else to help you out. Keeping you in my prayers-Amelia :D

If your child steals something, march them right back IN PERSON to return the item. No amount of telling them it's wrong or counselling them is going to work like making them go back and return the item. Talking and counselling get them attention, even if it's negative attention. Taking the item back themselves is making restitution and they'll hate it, be embarrassed about it, and try to get out of it. Don't let them get out of it. That's the very best and most memorable lesson the child will ever learn and they usually don't ever do it again. If you make them go back and return what they take, even if you have to do it a couple of times if they do do it again, they'll learn an invaluable lesson. Don't let their crying and telling you they're sorry get them out of paying that consequence even if they do it more than once. Most won't do it after the first time, though, if they know they're going to have to return the item themselves.

Thank you all for your responses. I have done all of your suggestions so far except the counseling part.

Somehow my son has gotten on a first name basis with the school counselor already! He's only been in school for 4 days. So it looks like I am going to have to talk to them either way.

I had a foster child who was very troubled, I was her fifth placement. She would steal crap she had no idea was or needed, for example flints for a lighter. I was aware of her behavior prior to accepting her into my home. The first time I caught her with something I knew we didn't buy, I called the store and spoke to the manager prior to bringing her back in to return it, and asked him to please go along with anything I said. I was about to put the fear of God into her little butt. It was mid summer, I gave her a bag and told her to go pack her winter coat, gloves etc. That children that stole were sent to Siberia and had to live in the freezing cold, hunt for food etc. That they had no stores there and since she couldn't be trusted, she needed to go. She was hysterically crying as I loaded her into the car and as we made our way to the store managers office.

The man sould be on improv cause he played along with me, like it was for real. I kissed her goodbye and told her I'd miss and love her and started towards the office door. She screamed "I'm sorry mommie, I promise I'll never do it again". Well after some negotiating with the manager to cancel the flight to Siberia, he allowed her to leave with me. That was 19 years ago.. she is now a productive 25 year old woman. who's never to my knowledge stolen another thing.

We still speak and she's told me that experience was the difference. I know it was mean and a bit extreme, but so is life in prison.

Good Luck

This may seen like a lame suggestion but try it it just might work. Have a time set aside to let him tell a story about his daddy. This story can be about anything that he wants his daddy to do or they can do together. He can tell that his daddy got him something or made him something and let him draw it and keep it in a folder or notebook. This allows him time to act out the things that he is missing with his father without doing it in an inappropriate way such as stealing. No matter how odd his actions may seem to you those are his feelings and if he isnt allowed to express them his behavior will only be worse. Maybe even ask his father to draw and write him stories about the two of them doing things together. This may help to fill the void that he feels in his life right now and make his feelings and needs more clear for you to understand. I make scrapbooks and picture frames for the kids all of the time and they focus more on the fun they will have with Granny instead of the bad things she did to cause them to be apart.

Lots of Love PM anytime!!

deanna4mom

First off i disagree with the siberia thing. that is lying to your kids and i feel you should not lie to them unless absolutely neccessary! otherwise how can they trust you?? a counselor is a good idea but i would hesitate to use the school counselor. because although you hope they wouldn't be biased towards your child they sometimes are and they are not always upholding the confidentiality right. i know because my 3 boys were treated this way. not long after the school found out their dad was in prison we started having problems with the school faculty treating the boys in a negative manner. so i would suggest outside help. also explain to your son that if he does go to jail for stealing he will not be with daddy. that they have seperate places for children. that if he ended up in jail he wouldnt even get to see daddy on daddy's visit days. i would futher suggest you take a tour of a juvenile facility. it may scare him a little bit but it will also show him that you are being honest about the consequences. a lot of juvenile facilities will give you this tour and talk to your son. this solution worked for me so i hope my advice helps let us know how your son is doing ok

stealing is a symptom of an under lying behavioral problem. i really like what Deanna suggested. what a wonderful idea. the whole situation is really bothering the little guy! he truly is acting out.

Thanks everyone for your kind responses. His dad had a long heart to heart with him this weekend and for the first time he actually cried and showed any kind of emotion at all.

I have him set up for a counseling session next Tuesday morning where they will try to assess the situation and what might be going thru his head and create a plan of action from there. The meeting with his school teacher & counselor went very well. The teacher gave me her home number and told me to call anytime and she is going to start a notebook for us to send back and forth with observations/comments so we can keep each other abreast of how he is doing.

So.....so far so good. :-)

Thanks again, everyone.