View Full Version : He doesn't want us to visit anymore


Clarity24
08-28-2003, 12:39 PM
My little brother has been in prison for 4 weeks now, In the beginning our family fell apart,especially my Mother. I had posted a message here and recieved so many letters of support that helped us through. My Mom keeps them printed out and at her desk at work for inspiration.At first it was so hard for my little brother to adjust, but after we sent him books and letters and our visits 3 times a week, it seemed to have boosted his morale. We've been fighting for an appeal and we had so much hope, but now it doesn't seem possible. They want to keep him in jail until sentencing in January.
Now, He doesn't want us to visit anymore, not his family or even his long time girlfriend. He said it hurts him too much to see us,and when he goes back to his Cell he cries and feels worse than before we visited him. It reminds him of all he cant have and he can't endure it anymore and he said he'd call us when he wants visits again. This news has crushed all of us, especially my Mom, she has fallen apart. She cries all the time and is afraid he's going to try to hurt himself. We don't know how to ease his pain..Has anyone been in this situation..what can we do?

samiam158
08-28-2003, 12:57 PM
I don't have any words of wisdom here...but....you'll be in my thoughts....if he scares you too much though i would call the jail and just make sure he is watched carefully....

christine

deb
08-28-2003, 05:09 PM
((hugs)) Sometimes they push their loved ones away for awhile... Maybe still go, but just go a little less for awhile. Maybe once a week? Hang in there.....

Deb

DENIMBLUE
08-28-2003, 05:32 PM
He's in pain and he thinks he is hurting the people he loves, sometimes we think it is easier to push people away than to ask for their support, because we hurt so much. Keep writing to him and visiting him, he needs your support as much as you need to be there for him...It's just so difficult for him because of the pain he feels...To me, prison pain is so hard to deal with sometimes...Continue to express your feelings and thoughts to him, hopefully this will help him to see that he is worthy of your love. I feel your family's/his girlfriend's pain...

QQin4meboo
08-28-2003, 05:35 PM
i know its hard , but u must go with his wishes , he doesnt need to be going back crying all the time , a sign of weekness , isnt good idea in prison ,

give him some time , but bombarred him with letters , and if u need any extra people to write lemme know !!

toi_ama
08-28-2003, 05:56 PM
I agree with QQ------send him lots and lots of letters and cards, but respect his wishes about the visiting. He said he'll let you know when he wants visiting again, so just wait till he does feel up to it, because he will feel up to it in time. The cards and letters let him know you love and support him and he'll cling to and cherish those, but there are times in life when we have to deal with our pain in whatever way we find we're best able to do it, even if it means withdrawing from people we love for a little while. If he can do it better by not having visits, that doesn't necessarily mean he's suicidal. It's a human reaction for a lot of people that they can be strong and deal with harsh things but once they see a loved one, they buckle. Like QQ said, he does need to appear strong in there. Signs of weakness can be dangerous. When you do visit, make it a positive, happy time, not a time to let him see you grieve and tell him how it hurts having to see him there. That hurts him more. I've choked back tears till I thought my heart would surely burst, but we can do it till the visit is over. Dwell on the positive--------that you're able to spend time with him and actually see his face. That will help you to make it a gift to him that will strengthen him. But for now, just respect his request that you not visit. Comfort your mom as much as you can and tell her she's got a lot of caring people here on PTO who are thinking of and praying for you all.

kathyb
08-29-2003, 01:12 PM
I have to agree with the others. Send him letters everyday, let him know how much you love him and are there for him. I don't think it will last, I'm sure he will want to see you all when his pain eases. As for your mom...give her extra hugs everyday and let her know how much you love her. Stay strong and if you need anything let us know.

God Bless,
kathyb

JDay
08-29-2003, 03:18 PM
I'm on that same train: write like crazy, but don't visit until he says he's ready again. Quite a few of the men inside find they feel vulnerable after an emotional visit, and do better to commit themselves to making a life for themselves inside, no matter how temporary their stay. You've got to give him credit for being honest with you. It's a tough road, but either it really does get easier with time, or we just get more used to it!

Yosemitejim
08-29-2003, 09:30 PM
Clarity,

I couldn't agree more with all of the above responses. I would add, however, that your brother's reaction may be a true sign of affection and strength. He wants so badly to have his "normal" relationship with you that he will forego his "prison" relationship with you.

I cannot imagine how all of our loved ones can cope inside such a system (more adjectives to come in the future).

Take Care,
Jim

Beena
09-07-2003, 11:06 AM
I would do the same as his Mom if my son said he didn't want to see us anymore. I miss my son so much ! He is five hours away. He has been asking us to try and get him a hardship to move him closer. I have tried writing to the DOC and I don't get any repsonse. What do I do? Our first contact visit my son kept touching us to see if it was all real. I got a phone call telling me that my son was beaten and put in the hole for not telling. I just don't get it. They want them to snitch so that they can get beat again? I can't sleep at nights. I can just hear him crying silently. I think about how I am having such a hard time with all this and then I think about what my son has lost for saving his life. Because he ran scared...he sits 44 years. 44yrs......I also have to sit.

flygirlaa2
09-07-2003, 11:11 AM
Clarity, i am so sorry for your family. I wish I knew the words to help you thru this. Unfortunately, he is the only one who knows what he cant or can live with. I pray he will get past this and be able to have visits again. God Bless.

Retired-101
12-03-2003, 11:17 AM
I know this is late, but I wanted to add what I could. I think what everyone is saying is right on the bullseye. I remember when I had my visits, the hardest thing to do was to leave my loved ones and return to prison. It's like being warmed by the sun on a cool day, then having a bucket of icy water dashed on you. Inmates really hurt after visitation, you cannot know how they feel when they go back to their cells or dorms. But then again, you do know. Every person who has a loved on in prison knows exactly how that feels. But in the inmate's case, he can't let his emotions go like you may be able to do in the parking lot or in the car or at home. He has to keep his masculine integrity, and that is not easy. Another reason is the extreme shame he might feel. He may feel that he let everyone in the world down, and maybe does not deserve a visit. It is common to feel that way, especially early in a sentence. Usually after a few months, that inmate would gladly welcome any visits, so give him time. Keep in touch with him, and let him know that he has people that care deeply about him, and he should be ok.

oc1
11-15-2004, 07:47 AM
My son says the same thing. The visits tend to only make him think about what he has lost, he says he is depressed the rest of the day after a visit. He has been in for 2 years now and at first he wanted visits all the time but not anymore. It had been 4 mths. since I had seen him and he just agreed to a visit on Nov.2nd which was his b-day. At first it really bothered me but you have to learn to not take it personal, I think they have to put themselves in a different thought mode while they're incarcerated and sometimes visits bring back the memories of the other world out here. My son calls all the time and now I just let him decide when he wants a visit. I know it's very hard but he probably only misses his family more so after seeing you. I don't think it is to hurt us but just their way of dealing with it.

chikapee
11-15-2004, 08:03 AM
we only get to see my son once a month because it is a total round trip of 6 hrs. He would like us to visit more if we could but he understands. The thing is it seems to me that every time we visit a few days later he is in the box. I am thinking maybe it really gets him too depressed after seeing us. He isnt in the box for any major thing but I think it makes him really depressed when we leave and then dealing with the officers makes him resent it more. He never tells us that he feels that way though. I know myself after a visit it takes me a few days to get his face out of my head and the fact we had to say goodbye. Its very emotional.

Retired-101
11-15-2004, 11:46 AM
Hi, wanted to add what I could. First off, don't take it personal. It is not you, so don't feel like you let him down. I did the same thing when I was in prison, and there are reasons for it, to which your loved one has already mentioned. You have to understand, he has to carry that burden 24 hours a day. When you leave that prison at visitation, or hang up that phone after that call, you can cry if you want. Inmates can't do that as freely as you can. That means they have to bottle up that feeling. Believe me, I have been there,and it is a very heavy feeling. It is a pain that is hard to bear, but inmates have to bear it. For me, I had to find times to cry, so no one would ever know. He has to do the same thing. It could be tearing him up from the inside, but if he can find ways to let it out, he can be ok. The important thing is for you to be patient with him, he has to work this out. If he needs you, you will know. But hang in there, let him work this out. If you push by increasing his letters, it may cause more harm than good. Give him some space, but be ready in a moment to pull him back when he needs it.

imanillusion
11-16-2004, 12:45 AM
To anyone going through this with a family member incarcerated.Most of these men and women have strong feelings of guilt and shame.It is worse for the ones with strong family ties.They know that phone calls cost the family money.In facilites that allow clothing,the family has to purchase and provide the clothing either in person or via mail.Even if the family already has their clothing proir to incarceration,they still have to get it there.It costs either way.That leads to feelings of guilt.
Driving to the facility to visit:They worry about the ones going to visit getting in an accident on the way to or from the visit.During the winter months it is thought of alot.Some may not say this to you,I hear this,I am told this.Ones expecting visits check The Weather Channel.You probably don't even know that they do that.
As far as the showing of emotion in front of others incarcerated goes;the ones with true love in thier heart could care less if others see them cry for loved ones.The ones that you would least expect to show emotions would cry in the open without thinking twice.The feeling of heartbreak is a human emotion that is not a weakness.I have seen this and the person enduring the pain was comforted by many.
Sorrow is not taboo where I am.
Respectfully,
Imanillusion

az-tears
11-16-2004, 05:29 PM
You hit it right on the head IMANILLUSION! My son did the same to me, then he realized we are in this together to support each other!

MrsPhil
11-16-2004, 06:06 PM
I would do the same as his Mom if my son said he didn't want to see us anymore. I miss my son so much ! He is five hours away. He has been asking us to try and get him a hardship to move him closer. I have tried writing to the DOC and I don't get any repsonse. What do I do? Our first contact visit my son kept touching us to see if it was all real. I got a phone call telling me that my son was beaten and put in the hole for not telling. I just don't get it. They want them to snitch so that they can get beat again? I can't sleep at nights. I can just hear him crying silently. I think about how I am having such a hard time with all this and then I think about what my son has lost for saving his life. Because he ran scared...he sits 44 years. 44yrs......I also have to sit.Wow!! Beena, my fiance is in prison and it breaks my heart. But I aso have a son.. He is not in prison but if he was I don't know how you bear that. I love my fiance very much and worry about him but a son is a whole different story. You are both in my prayers. That is a pain only another Mother can understand!

LisaL
11-17-2004, 11:39 AM
When my son was first taken into custody, he was at the county facility. At first he wanted us to visit, then after awhile he asked me not to come so much. I was shocked and hurt, so there was a long pause in the conversation. I asked him why, he said mom I've already cost you so much money and caused you so much pain. I told him that that was true, he had cost me alot of money and I'd spend it again in a heartbeat. And yes it is true that it hurts me to see him in there, but it would kill me to not see him at all. I told him that I was going on the next visiting day, to see his face with my own two eyes to know that he was alright and that if he didn't want to visit with me and he turned around and walked back out so be it, but that I was going. I went to visit him and he talked with his brothers at first, but then he asked to speak to me and my heart leaped. He told me he was sorry and that he was glad that I had come but that he wished I didn't look so sad all the time. I put a smile on my face and told him I was very happy to see him and to see that he was alright. After that I always tried to make it a point to smile on the outside and cry on the inside when I went to visit. When he went to reception, I didn't get to see him or talk to him for 4 months. We wrote alot of letters to each other and he told me that he cherished those letters and read them over and over again. When he got to Ironwood, the first chance he got to get to a phone he called and said he was able to have a visit that weekend and for us to please please come. He was so happy to hear our voices and on visiting day to see us. Unfortunately, his yard was on lockdown and we only were able to visit him for an hour behind glass, but it was wonderful! I have told you this long story to give you and your family hope. I can't say whether what I did would work in your situation for sure, only you can decide that. But I can say that sometimes I think they are worried about us and think it is best for us to not come, especially when they see us so hurt and emotional. Take Care and God Bless!

Ebony's spice
11-17-2004, 12:18 PM
So sorry for the pain you are going through. My thought when reading your post was that your son actually DOES know what he wants and it's not some form of rejection or anything like that. The fact that he told you WHY he wanted to back off on visits and it was perfectly understandable, is good insight on his part. Also, the fact that he wasn't saying never visit again, but that he would tell you as soon as he could handle it again. He wasn't closing the door, he was justing asking for an emotional break, IMO.

They have control over so little in there, I think it's good to respect their wishes about the things they do have control over. It sounds as if he is using his head and not just lashing out or whatever. I would respect that, but write a lot. So much pain in this forum, it hurts to read. God Bless you and your family.

imanillusion
11-18-2004, 03:40 AM
Az-tears,
Thank you for your post.Your words mean alot.
Respectfully,
Imanillusion