MY man is in prison for murder and it was selfdefense and he got 16years. My family and my friends can,t understand why i,m with him. I tell them because I love him,and that if God can forgive then we should be able too. I,m not saying what he did was right, But he is doing his time and i wish pepole would worry about there own life and stay out of mine. He will be home in 5.5years.

I think this is something we all go through, especially those of us who are with someone whose crime involves loss of life. Only those closest to me among my friends and family know at this time, and it's not a lot of people (I'm not counting my boyfriend's family here - they are ALL supportive!!) One longtime friend who understands it & is EXTREMELY supportive. Two longtime friends who don't understand but are supportive. My sister and brother-in-law are supportive, with reservations. My mother sort of understands but has a hard time being supportive, and with lots of reservations.

Eventually they - and many other people in my life - are just going to have to come to terms with it whether they like it or not, 'cos he is, and will be, a permanent part of my life. Bottom line is it's your own life and your own decision to stand by your loved one... no one else can or should make that decision for you.

Those that don't (or won't) understand I don't really expect them to, ever, and that's OK. We'll still be friends and family. But those that do (or at least try) to understand, they're the ones to be treasured.

Just stay strong and stand strong for what you believe and feel in your heart...noone knows those feelings other than yourself!
Don't let the negative influences interfer with the goodness that you have in your heart and in your life. I know so many of us here also face (day to day) the negativity of family members and people that we consider our friends, and it would make life so much easier if they would consider our feelings when they are making their judgments but it all too often doesn't happen that way.
That's one of the best things that I have found about PTO...there is others out here in the same (or similar) situations and knowing that there is *someone* out here that does support your choices or doesn't criticize you for the choices you have decided to make... REALLY DOES MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
Just hang in there!!!!
SS

I have told only a couple friends I don't talk to much of anyone else. Reach out to others in the same situations and make new friends that DO understand and support your decision is what i have found to be helpful to me!

I think it also makes a difference if u were with the person b4 they got time , or met on a pen pal basis ,

when i was with someone , we were from the same area same age , my parents and family were like , oh ok , u visit the friend ect , but when i stated i was gonna be with him for 18 years , they were like u bumped ur head ,

we know some people that write people , and are staying with the people , but met on a pen pal basis , and they are like u are absolutely crazy , u dont even know that person ,

hmmmmmmm , stand by what u believe and f*** em all !

I don't understand people who say you don't know someone because you're pen pals. I just married a man I started out as pen pals with and I know more about him than I did about the man I was married to for twenty years. We started out with no expectations and agreed to be totally honest with each other, we shared our past, our hopes, dreams, fears and expectations for the future and after all that...we fell in love.

Anne

i wasnt saying , u cant know someone , as in pen pals ,

i think u know someone better with out the day to day bs, and sex being an issue , and writing all ur thoughts and daily activities is very opening ,

but then on the other hand , when u fall in love thru coorespondence , and the person comes home , the day to day can be added stress , toilet seats , ect ,

My fiancee is considered a violent offender because of a crime he commited over 10 years ago. Some of my family and friends tolerate our relationship because they all know they cant change it, but others are strongly against it. I cant really talk to the ones who even tolerate it bacause they dont understand and they think that over time it will end. That is why I have found PTO to be the best thing for me. People here have become an insperation even though I've never met any of them. I have found that when I need my friends and family the most I cant turn to them, but the people of PTO have become the best friends that I need

my love one is doing 25- life. people think i'm nuts! i don't care! they don't know him, so don't judge him. ive known him 27 years. will never stop loving him

just curious. how does one get 16 years for self-defense?

I think regardless of the crime weather it is a violent crime or petty theft it doesn't matter it's who "HE" is. People tend to judge the crime not the person, in your case it was the loss of a life and some people can't get past that but they have to understand that you don't want to go through your life being hit with their negative comments and energy. Although my man is in on a drug charge you might as well have told my family it was murder they treat me like I have smallpox or something. But I know who he is and I found a family here on PTO that doesn't judge me or feel it's their obligation to run my life...Live your life and tell everyone else to accept your decision or leave you alone. It takes a special kind of person to love someone unconditionally and all our guys are looking for is life without judgment. I feel most people have to be negative because they are jealous that they don't have to skills or heart to care for someone without judgment...Keep Your Head Up...And Stay Happy
Kim
PS Sorry it's so long this is a subject I feel passionate about.

My best friend since high school days was totally supportive all along, then when I mentioned marriage, he burst out, "You're not going to become one of THOSE women, are you?" Well this guy is solid important to me, so instead of getting po'd I said, what women? and when he thought about it he didn't even know what he had meant! Manson groupies? or what? and as we talked some more he said, well, without even knowing the guy I do already like him better than your last choice or two. Some people have just never thought about the whole thing very much and need education.

i know how you all feel i get the same from some family mebers and friends to ...they way i look at it you cant help the way your heart feels ...and if meant to be it will happen in gods eyes ..my b/f and i have been through our ups and downs and hope we have no more ...and if somone wants to make that differcence in there life they can ....

my b/f comes home jan 28 ..........so counting days now ... everyone take care ...and good luck ...thats jan 28 2004

kamaboko - RE self defense, well, I can't speak for sgoodman but it does happen, my guy's case is a good example. It became obvious to everyone involved with the case that he had killed in order to defend himself, but with a lack of witnesses or absolute proof it was felt it was just too risky to take to trial - instead he pled guilty and was sentenced to 20 years. Sometimes wonder what would have happened had he taken the other route, but the risk was really just too great without absolute proof or witnesses, so I don't entertain those thoughts much.

I do not understand why people judge inmates, but it happins and what alot of people dont understand is in the blink of an eye anything could happin. My man did not kill anyone, and he got luckey he didnt (he did a drive by shooting when he was 16,no one was hurt) He has changed in there, he went in a boy and will come out a man.Not alot of the people close to me judge him because we all knew each other before he went in. Keep your head up and if you love him and he is a great man and treats you right and respects you then who cares were he is at and his past, its all about you and him right?

THEY SHOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED THEY SHOULD LEAVE THE PAST BEHIND THEM AS LONG AS HE HAS NEVER HURT YOU THAN YOU SHOULD EB THERE FOR HIM 100%

i just want to say one thing my whole family hates my babyboyie,i don't care cause when he dose get out they will have too forgive,or forget me,iam 25 i have to live my life on my own and our kids,iam here to please god not them.god forgave him and so will i.

My friends are more supportive than my family. Sometimes I don't think my family will EVER accept him or our relationship, then again, most of the time I don't care cuz they don't accept me either but their feelings aren't going to change mine at all. I love him REGARDLESS OF ANYTHING and thats really all that matters. You just gotta listen to ur heart do what makes YOU happy!

When I told my sister I was getting married she yells out, "Your only in it for the sex!" LOLOLOL I educated her real quick on that one. Some people actually think that we can have sex every visit! I think that taking sex out of the equation has made our relationship more whole and connective. I asked my sister if she could sit at a table with her husband for 6 hours and never be bored. She didn't have much of an answer for that one. Slowly she has come around and now when I mention my husbands name, she doesn't even cringe! :) I care about her so I was willing to wait for her to come around, most people I don't bother with.

Those who dance are concidered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

I feel your pain, my husband was in jail for 3 1/2 months for sexual accuasations made by my daughter his step of course she was coached by my mom who hates my husband to death, the case hasnt finish yet and when they found out my husband was bail out and I was with him my mom called me and left me a message in my machine saying im a BTCH, DAUGHTER OF DEVIL, I SHOULD DIE, I SHOULD DISSAPEAR , IM DEAD FOR HER, ECT ECT. All this because she thought my relationship and feelings were gonna end but really who am I to judge like others said if God forgave him why couldnt I, he keeps saying he never did this things and I believe him. But anyhow, the whole three months he was inside she never called to see if I needed something but now has the courage to call and say this awful things to me. I dont care what they think my marriage and relationship wont end because others want.
Fight for what you want and stay strong

I went through the same thing with my fiancee. It was always hard for me to explain where he was, and harder still to explain why he was there. There weren't many people that I would talk to about him, and so most people though I was single, which I hated. I had this wonderful, loving man that I couldn't even talk about! It takes an open minded person to understand that sometimes good people do bad things, and that what he did doesn't make him a terrible person. That's just one of the facts of loving an incarerated man though, one of the thing you have to learn to deal with, and that's other people's attitudes and remarks.

I think it also makes a difference if u were with the person b4 they got time , or met on a pen pal basis ,
when i was with someone , we were from the same area same age , my parents and family were like , oh ok , u visit the friend ect , but when i stated i was gonna be with him for 18 years , they were like u bumped ur head ,
we know some people that write people , and are staying with the people , but met on a pen pal basis , and they are like u are absolutely crazy , u dont even know that person ,
hmmmmmmm , stand by what u believe and f*** em all !
Mmmm! Stand by what I believe and what is it exactly that I believe? I believe my male friend is a good man. Everything looks so good except one thing... the fact that my mother would have a difficult time approving of me getting into a relationship with an inmate, much less a convicted murderer with only 4-6 years to go. When he is a free man, he will be a regular citizen with a record. That's all... Help me?

I know from experience what you have to put up with. When I married Adam it was before he went in, but I still catch flak from some of my friends who think I'm going to be wasting the best years of my life waiting around. Since we haven't been married long, they're incouraging me to get it annulled. But there's no way I will do that. I married Adam because I KNOW he's the one for me. We believe we're Soul Mates and we were meant to be together. Cynical people don't get that though... oh well. Do what you gotta do for YOU girl. Nevermind what your family/friends think. They don't come home at night in your shoes and live YOUR life and FEEL your feelings.

MY man is in prison for murder and it was selfdefense and he got 16years. My family and my friends can,t understand why i,m with him. I tell them because I love him,and that if God can forgive then we should be able too. I,m not saying what he did was right, But he is doing his time and i wish pepole would worry about there own life and stay out of mine. He will be home in 5.5years.What kind of people are you associated with that they can't understand self defense? I understand the self defense, what I can't understand is people faulting a person for that. If someone tried to rob your dad and he pulls out his apple-peeling knife and fatally stabs the person are they gonna expect your mother to leave him and expect the family and friends to dissociate with him. I don't get it, but then again, I don't know the full story.

I have some family/friends who are supportive of my husband and I. My mother is TOTALLY against it, and my father is real nonchalant about it. I dont care, I am happy and thats all that matters. My husband is such a sweet and personable individual that I know my parents will LOVE him when he comes home. I always tell other women in my situation who may get a lot of negative feed back.....no one bases their decisions on your opinion, so why should you??

The love of my life got 7 years for volunteery manslaughter and I have told the people that matter to me the most why he is in there and half accept it half dont i dont let it bother be because i have been with shawn since i was 18 off and on and we have had our share of problems but u cant help who you love and your not suppose to.......... the people i love the most like my mom and sister understand it and to me thats what matters the most.

I think everyone has the same problem with at least one person in their lives...my parents finally accepted that I was going to stick through this, a year after he was in, because they saw me go every weekend to see him. It's been 5 yrs now so I think everyone has finally come to terms with the fact that I'm not leaving him... so my life is pretty good. But I remember when I would get nervous just talking about him in front of family after he got locked up, for fear of what would start spewing from their lips.:blah: Don't let anyone get to you. ONLY YOU and all of us at PTO know why you do it.:D

I don't have anyone I can really talk to about my relationship except well my friends at pto my mom pretends to be okay with it my sisters don't care they think it wiill pass and well from the reaction of my imediate family I haven't told anyone else in my family about my relationship with my man I figured I would save myself the stress and the questions until he is out and we can face them together.

I feel you sgoodman. My husband is locked up for an attemted murder charge, which was also self defense. His sentence is 9-18. Has served 10 yrs, up for his 2nd parole board this summer. My mother doesn't understand it at all. She doesn't even believe his crime because she thinks if he shot at somebody, and didnt kill them, then he should have been out by now. So I gave up trying to explain it to her. She doesn't like it....oh well....it's a feeling and she will get over it. That goes for anyone who doesn't agree with my marriage. :) I am so happy now that if every family member and friend wanted to stop talking to me because of my husband, I wouldnt care because Jerrod is all I need in this world..he is my best friend. You gotta live for you, not for everyone else. No one bases their opinons on your decision, so why should you base yours on someone else's opinion? Hope I have helped. :grouphug:

i think that just about every person who has stayed in a romantic relationship with an inmate has encountered this. i've decided i have to do what makes me happy. being with my boyfriend is what makes me happy. him being in prison is an obstacle - but it's my decision to make. you just have to learn to deal with other peoples narrow-minded criticism.