I have read alot of postings since I found this site. Now my situation, My 25 yr old son is in Miramar for internet SO. He was sentenced in Aug so this is current. He seems fine and they treat him well he works, he eats, reads and sleeps late on weekends. To hear him everything is ok. Though as of yet he has only taken alcohol class no SO classes. I am currently taking care of all his bills and legal things. Now my problem I am angry, I am disappointed, I am ashamed, I am embarassed, and cry at the thought of him in jail. I also feel a complete failure and try to figure out where I did wrong in raising him. I am finally able to sleep every other night which is great from crying all the time. At times I do not even want him living with me or in the same state because of what he will have to do when he gets out (and the situation it will put us in) and then spend the next days feeling gulity about those feelings. He is a jr and so I have to also think how this could effect my husband's career which also makes me angry. I have not talked to any of my family or friends since this has happened as I have no idea what to say when they ask about him and his brother (also in the AF). I do not want everyone to know as it is his story to tell if he wants but at the same time I do not want to be in the position to have to lie, so I just do not talk with anyone. My husband ( ret. A.F. so you know his reaction) does not know all of what happened I was at the court marital and have kept some of the details away from him as he is not handling this well at all. But he has had to lie to his mother and it has bothered him and he does not know what to do. SO I guess what I am asking is YOU ALL SEEM SO LOVING AND FORGIVING Am I being selfish or is this a stage you all went through. As I do not see any feelings of anger, or disappointment in any postings. DO not get me wrong I love my son very much just do not know what to do.

I think we go through all the emotions, I was the one my Mother was disapointted in. I remember her screaming at me with all her might one moment, crying her heart out the next, and then just hugging me so tight the next moment.

It's hard, and in alot of ways it is like going through the grief stages of loosing a loved one.

So to answer your question, no your not being selfish, your being human, your being a mother.

To this day I cannot tell you my emotions, at that point of my life, I thought I was a failure as a child, as you feel the failure as a mother. My Mom felt as you do.

You are not a failure, nor was my mother, you do the best you can with all that you have, then when they leave the nest, we make our own decisions and we have to live with the consequences, though our parents never cease to worry, and always blame themselves for our mistakes. I know I am a Mom too and I have a niece whom I raised in prison right now

Coming from a miltary family (though my father served in the German Navy) and being retired U.S. Military myself, I can so, so remember the expression on my Dad's face when he picked me up at the jail after posting bail. Not a good time, he did not say much, he is the quiet one, but I could see it all in his face. Shame, anger, disappointment, hurt, and fear for what was going to happen to me. But he stood with me through the whole ordeal, yet he felt those emotions and so did Mom just as you are.

I do remember the only thing that Dad said that day, and it cut like a knife. He was always so, so proud of our family and it's history, and especially of me for I was the first woman to carry on our family's military traditions and the first to serve in the U.S. Armed Forces.

When he said "Four hundred years of military service, tradition, and honor (he is big on the tradition and honor stuff, for that matter so am I) and you disgrace this families name!" I died, my heart just died. I did not understand his emotions at that moment, all I could say was "Dad I'm in trouble I need your help and you are worried about your D@mn family name! Well, excuse me!" he slapped me (something he had never done before or since that day), then later all he could do was cry and ask that I forgive him. I did. It is amazing how dumb that whole incident seems now.

But, I knew he loved me for he was there with me through the whole thing, and you are for your son.

When my niece went down, I remember the same emotions, she knew where I had been in life, why is she doing this!

I don't know if I made any sense to you, your going to go through all the stages just as we did, let it happen, don't hold it in.

Hang in there and know we are here for you.

Patti

You will go through all the stages...but the final one is letting go of the anger. When you do accomplish that, then you can finally rest more easily.
My personal recommendation is an hour-long massage. Maybe once a week. Anger makes us hold our bodies in strange, tense ways, and sometimes we can't even notice or feel it. The massage breaks the tensions up to let us go back to our old normal, for a while. Then our minds start putting the ugly feelings back in, so we have to go back to deliberate relaxations. Believe it or not, for me the massage takes me back to feeling better about the whole world, and so I've started doing them fairly regularly. After one particularly hard session, I walked out feeling the lightness of being 16 again. All the looseness and responsiveness of body that I felt back then.

My son also in the AF was sentenced in 1994 for 20 years, also for a SO. He was 21 at the time. I guess what I would like to tell you is that it is OK, to allow yourself to "feel". I know that we feel that being a mother, we are suppose to protect and "fix" the problem or the people around us. Our one and only job as Mom's is to love and accept the family that the Lord blessed us with, blemishes and all.
The first year my son was in prison I grieved for him, I still do. I grieved the loss of "my" dream for him. But, it's Ok to do that. I still get angry at what his actions are putting our family through. (his parole was revoked last Feb.) You will get to the point of surrender, when you will give your self permission to live again. Consequences are hard, they are suppose to be if they are to learn. God never said it would be easy to love these children of our's, He just said He would do it for us when we can't. Allow the grief to come, learn from it, but don't let it control you. Your son will find his way and be better for it. Allow the healing to come, not only to him, but to your entire family.
The one thing that I would probably do different is NOT hide. There are so many people with the same situation of having loved ones in prison that need to talk to others in the same situation. There is such a stigma that we retreat into isolation, which is wrong.

We joined a group called MOMS at the time. It is no longer around. CURE is a good group to connct too and TIFA. These groups and this web site are wonderful resources for people to connect with others going through the same battle. We all are very blessed.

Your son is being fed, kept warm, educated, clothed, his medical needs are being addressed. I know this sounds strange, but he too is blessed even in his trials at this time. I know mothers that have had son's on death row here in Texas and compared to what they have endured, I am very blessed to walk the walk set before me. I try to keep that perspective in front of me.

You will come through this intact. God Bless,

Tena

bbbb,
Here is my short response to your question: an emphatic NO! You are not being selfish and you have every right to feel as you do. It hurts, plain and simple. It hurts to think that the child you so lovingly raised and tried so hard to teach right from wrong would make such unwise choices. It hurts to think of that child incarcerated and missing so much of their young life. It hurts to think of what to say to friends and family when you'd rather just crawl in a hole somewhere and never come out. The mixture of emotions you experience with this kind of ordeal is nearly indecipherable. You can't explain your son's actions and you can't explain how you feel. Being ashamed, being angry, feeling guilt - these are all normal emotions. If you didn't feel them, I would be much more concerned. My son committed a horrible crime and I am deeply ashamed of him. I learned a phrase here on PTO that helped me when it seemed nothing would: Hate the crime, love the criminal. Like you, we are a family with a long military history and I still find it difficult to look at anyone in uniform without a sense of guilt at how my son betrayed his oath of service, not to mention his betrayal of the brotherhood of soldiers. Children do not come with instruction manuals and we are only human. We can only control their actions to a certain point in their lives and when they choose to act in a manner that causes them to suffer severe consequences, it is just that: their choice. We were not there to make it for them, we did not coerce them into making it. Do not blame yourself for your son's choice to act as he did. From your post, it doesn't appear that you have anyone you can talk to. If you belong to a church, try talking to your minister or priest or whomever it is. You really do need to share your feelings with someone who can give you immediate and neutral feedback. Keeping things from your friends and family because you fear their reaction is normal also, but I think you would be surprised how many would be supportive of you, if not your son. You did nothing wrong. Don't sell your friends and family short on their capacity to understand your pain and their ability to provide you with the love and support you need right now. Be strong for your son. Let him know you love him unconditionally even though you don't approve of his actions. He is being punished as provided by law. He does not require any additional punishment by being shut out of your lives or treated as any less than the person he was before he committed whatever crime he did. If there are mental health or alcohol/substance abuse issues, be his advocate to get him the help he needs and never give up. Be supportive of his steps toward rehabilitiation or wellness. Encourage him to talk to you and to contact others in your family to tell them about his situation. Don't take the burden solely upon yourself - he will grow from the experience as well. It is a long and difficult path to acceptance of your situation, but hang in there. We have all been through it and some of us will be here a very long time. It is a road full of ups and downs, but know that anytime you need to vent, or ask "what now?", PTO and this forum are here. We may not have answers all the time or in real time, but we always have a shoulder to lean on and an extra Kleenex handy. Keep the faith and keep loving your son--fiercely.

~ Lisa

Thanks everyone. Its funny not three weeks ago I thought I would never make it through this, now since this group I know we will get through it. DeNada and Trlutz, Thank you! I have printed your replies and put them up so when I start to feel awful I can reread your replies to remind me I am not alone. It seemed like you were me in some of it!!
As for telling family, I am still not sure we have police officers as uncles and an lawyer as a grandparent on my husband's side and I was "the country bumpkin" so I am sure my husband will get the it's her fault again. I do not want to put him in that position again as he is under enough stress right now.
About the military did the feeling of guilt go away after time? We have another son getting ready to go to Iraq and do not like this feeling we have when we think of the military. I want to feel good about the military again! I try to stop myself from the neg. thoughts as soon as they creep in. I just wonder if it does go away and WE can be proud of our time again. I tell myself it was my sons fault NOT the military's fault I served four years, my Hubby did 22 years, my son in jail did three (before trouble), and my other son is re-upping when in Iraq. Right now Hubby does not want plagues put up, will this pass?
I have no friends here (we just move a little over a year) but have thought about seeing a counselor, I have just signed up for a health plan and awaiting that so I can get one.
Wanted to let ALL of you know my shoulders are carrying less weight because of you all and this Holiday (first with him incarcerated) may even have some bright spots, for that I owe you all more than I could ever repay.
THANKS

I just read that you need permission to print anything! I did not know this and I am sorry for printing your letters DeNada and Trlutz, they were for me to hang o my wall for me to re-read when I was down. If you want I will shred them!!! Again, I am sorry did not know this rule, my fault!!!! Please let me know if you want them shredded.

no don't shred them and it's fine you have them
don't apologize it's not necessary

I feel that you are still in shock over this and let me tell you it's normal
it can last a long time or you can become accustomed to it in a short time
but either way it's still perfectly normal

having a child locked up is a helluva lot more painful than a boyfriend or girlfriend

depending on family core beliefs it can be one of the most traumatic periods in your life
it certainly seems like your family sees this as a severe issue
you on the other hand have the compassion from carrying that baby in your womb
awful hard to be in the place you're in right now but know that one thing rings true no matter what the crime or how related to the criminal you are

have faith that you are allowed to feel as you do
take some time for your self no matter what when it becomes unbearable
find someone to talk to that is unbiased and non-judgemental
be it a clergyman , pastor , therapist or cyber friend(s) ..but someone just for you
don't take personally what others think or believe
think and believe for your self
and lastly for parents
remember that no matter what others say,,if you love your child and make sure your child knows it ,,it will carry you through somehow
some days are worse than others and the holiday season is terribly emotional
but always keep in mind someone ..somewhere is alone in a cell with no one to care

that always sheds new light

bbbb,
I'm glad that you found some comfort in our postings. I know I found a lot of comfort here when this ordeal with my son first began. Tatersalad's posting has a lot of wisdom packed in it - reread it carefully and remember it. I still have feelings of guilt regarding my son and always will, I suppose. As parents, we will always beat ourselves up asking what we did wrong, what did we say or not say, what did we do or not do that made our child act this way. My son has told me time and time again that I am in no way at fault for his behavior and I thank him for that. It doesn't necessarily make the thoughts go away but it helps to know that he takes the responsibility for his own actions and isn't taking the way out so many do of blaming their parents, their childhood or whatever other scapegoat they can find. As to having cops and lawyers in your family: personally, I think if anyone can understand that good people sometimes do bad things it would be them! I am a criminal defense lawyer and there are all kinds of lawyers in our family - from civil rights to US Attorneys. We even have a couple of prison guards and some preachers (yeah, we're an eclectic bunch)! None of them have ever been anything but caring and understanding about my son and the rest of our family having to deal with this situation. Like I said before, don't sell your friends and family short. Do find someone neutral to talk to about your feelings until you are comfortable with them. I think that is key - you have to understand what you are feeling about all of it before you can even begin to explain it to someone else. Have faith in humanity and yourself. Take care, hon. We're always here. And you can do whatever you wish with my postings! :-)
~Lisa.

Dear bbb,

I don't care if you print what I write, we are here to help one another and if you need our words up on the wall, then so be it. I'm glad that you are allowing yourself to recieve sort of healing. One step at a time, one moment at a time. One day all of the little steps will add up to your son being home and you will look back and have grown into someone that will be able to help others along the same path.
You asked about feeling upset at the military? I know that my son made the choices that placed him in prison. I do feel like the military let me down somewhat because I trusted them to teach my son, not look the other way and condone the drinking that was taking place on base in the barracks. I was very neive, but it turned out the way it was suppose too. Sometimes I believe that prison was the way the Lord saved my son. I truely believe the drinking had reached such a point that he would have been dead if he had not been stopped by going to prison. He had alcohol poisoning while living on base and the paramedics were called in. In a mother's dream for her child these things just are not suppose to happen, but reality steps in and unfortunatley it does happen. We learn from it, and move on. We learn to laugh again, and we heal. It may take some time but it comes. I hope you and your family find peace this Holiday season and enjoy each other no matter where you are in life.

God Bless,

Tena