Hi All,
Well, I am relatively new to PTO. I have a very close friend who is doing a life sentence because of the three stikes law. He accepted a plea bargin and I guess that is the reason he cannot appeal. I have known him for many years, but over the past year I have began to fall in love with him. I have not told him this because I don't want to make promises I can't keep. I guess what I want to know is how do you keep a marriage alive when he is on the inside and you are on the outside? I am torn on telling him or just leaving it alone. He asked me to marry him last year, but it scared the hell out of me. Any advice would be helpful.
Lor

WELCOME TO PTO.......... YOU HAVE TO FEEL IT IN YOUR HEART. IT HAS TO BE SOMETHING YOU BOTH WANT IN LIFE, IT'S HOW YOU MAKE IT HAPPEN. LOVE, TRUST,COMMIT,HONESTY, AND LOYALTY IS WHAT YOU BOTH SHOULD HAVE. LESS DOUBT, LESS WORRIES. I THINK YOU SHOULD TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL. TAKE IT SLOW, AND TALK ABOUT IT.......NEED TO TALK MORE PM, ME.........:wave:

I agree. If you really feel love for him in your heart, you should tell him. If he were with you on the outside, it may not be a promise you could keep to love him forever either, ya know. Nobody can read the future, why should it be different because of circumstance.

You keep a marriage "alive" the same way no matter what the circumstances in my opinion but making a committment to a lifer when you've not previously had one before I believe is a little dif.I am going through this same thing right now so feel free to PM me anytime :)

I think you should talk it over with him, it's not a decision to take lightly. I just got married and my husband has a double life sentence, but my love for him is so strong that nothing would have stopped me marrying him.

Anne

A common misconception is that physical relationship has everything to do with a marriage. Sex is, in actuality, only the very small part of a marriage. The best things you share with a man in a marriage happen outside of sex. You can fill your sexual needs in many ways outside of having sex with your man. If you feel that everything else outside of having a physical relationship with your man is there between you and that you can't think of anyone else you'd rather spend your life with---------if he treats you good and you respect each other and show it-------if you feel that you're soulmates-----if you do it with eyes wide open that he's probably never going to be outside with you------then go for it. If you're young and want kids or if having someone to actually be beside you physically is of extremely great importance to you, then don't do it. Keeping a marriage alive is not hard if you don't starve it emotionally or abuse it in any way and if you've searched your heart to be sure you're doing it for the right reasons, having eyes wide open to the facts. If you're having doubts and it scares you, then my advice would be to just wait till you feel totally sure you can do what it takes to honor your wedding vows with him in there.

Something to also consider is that at some point, if you haven't already, you're probably going to be asked for risque' pictures and/or sexually explicit letters and maybe to do a little phone sex. If that's going to be a big problem for you, then take a look at that, too, because for a lot of guys, that's real important to help them feel they're still attractive, desirable, and fulfilled. If you can't or won't be able to do those things, then that's going to come between you just like refusing to actually have sex would if he were a free man. Normally, for guys who will eventually get out, a woman can probably skate on that one and get away with it and I wouldn't fault them because I don't like doing it either. But for a lifer, this is going to be something that, in my opinion, a woman should be willing to at least compromise on so she can share that with her husband to as great a degree as possible.

Good luck to you and I hope you'll keep us posted. I'm very close to someone who will never get out, so I've thought of the same things I'm mentioning here. Plus I've lived in a free world marriage where there wasn't any sex for most of the marriage and had to work through all the difficulties and problems with that. I'm happy to say that I stayed married because I loved him and all the other things were there that mattered. But I certainly do understand how a lifer would need at least something on paper to keep them feeling desirable and wanted sexually, because it was such a painful thing for me when I had no indications of that and no outlet because I chose to be faithful to him.

very well said toi..again! lol :D

anyways, welcome to pto!

and, i think that you should follow your heart--you dont choose as to who you fall in love with--you will know if it is meant to be! good luck! *hugs*

Welcome, there's some very good advise here so I won't repeat it. I'm planning on marrying my fiance as soon as we can get around the Illinois authorities and he's serving life without parole. Follow your heart and let nothing stand in your way. As he's already asked you to marry him once, I'm sure he'd love to hear that you've grown to love him. It does creep up on you, doesn't it? I know it did me and I was scared to death of my feelings and didn't want to commit myself but, in the end I gave in and I've never been happier. It doesn't matter that we're thousands of miles apart, we're always together no matter what others throw at us.
I hope you've found something here to help you.

Rose

Thank you all for your advice and encouragement. I will keep you posted!
Lor

Very well said toi, i agree. my man MIGHT be looking at a 15 to life sentence so i understand, but i would stick with it forever with him. Like toi said me and my man understand marriage aint all about sex, but its good when u can be together like that. And yes they will ask you if they can write u dirty and not to mention on vists all they ever talk about is sex haha, but hey as long as there thinking of it just with u then its all good. But i say if u truely love the person and even tho they act like a butthead sometimes to u and u cant see yourself with anyone in any way ever, then go for it. Its the ulitamte love test kinda and ur love will prove to be one fo the strongest around. Iam young and so is my man and i do want kids, and we will find ways to do that;) ha, but i will stay with him forever faithfully and him the same to me. Soulmates are u? girl, if you love him and its a feeling of love like no other than do it, be with that man, becasue who knows he might get out one day and if he doesnt then at least u two are together and he has someone he loves and vice versa, it will be hard but your with the man u honestly love out of any other including free men. hope all goes well with u guys. ktc:)

Welcome to PTO Lor! I can't say anymore than what the others have posted except to tell you that I married my husband a year ago and he too has 25 to life under the Three Strikes Law in California. Some may say I'm crazy, but I walk in faith and belief that he will be home soon. Our state can't afford to continue putting non-violent offenders away for life. Sooner or later, the law will be changed to apply to violent crimes only, and even better, done away with completely. God is still in control. He is still on the throne. I met my husband almost 3 yrs. ago through his sister and if you had asked me then if I would be married to someone in prison, I would have told you that you were crazy. But, here I am. I love my husband very much. I know that I am where I'm supposed to be, with whom I'm supposed to be with. I know it to the depth of my soul. That's what you need to determine. For me, there was no question. God made it very clear to me with signs and wonders, in addition to other confirmation. Think about it. Pray about it. Most of all be sure about it, because if you do marry him and then divorce him because you found someone on the outside, it would devastate him. That is one thing I've found about my husband is that he has a fear that I will bail on him. I'm not going anywhere though. He is my all, my everything!!

Take care and God bless!!

Hi All,
I greatly appreciate all of your input. Most people I know are not supportive, and we don't need that. I am truely greatful for PTO were I know I can get the answers/support I need.
Lor

Hello everyone.. relatively new to the lifers forum.. my name is Donna my love is Brian.. we have always looked at each other like husband and wife even more in the past 5 years.. .. i have know brian since i was 15 years old.. We talk about marriage at times, and we both wanted to have a baby together ., it is difficult because mass dosen;'t allow "family visits" .. we have not talked about the marriage for awhile.. i think it is important , for legal and health reasons.. however it is a very big committment and i want to make sure i can do it.. As time, goes on i am sure we will make it legal. BUt i know we will have to talk about realistic life issues, and expectations. There is alot more to our story.. :) like everyone else's baggage.!! ha

GOod topic..
Donna

hello all!!! Im a wife of a 15tol and I have been with my husband for 8 years and married 1 year. It took me time to figure out if this was right . I prayed to God and plea to make sure if this was right and I did it. My husband is my everything and having the faith, patience for t hem. I told my husband to me marraige is serious and There is nothing he should be afraid of. I only want him and one else. me and my hubby have the best open realtionship, he 's my confider and best friend. so the only person who keeps our marriage strong is god. so keep in mind , seek and you shall find.

Thank you for your honesty Christy. I appreciate the support.
Lor

I agree with Toi Ami. My man is LWOP. I have interest in anyone else sexually or any other way. You keep your relationship/marriage alive the same way you would outside: good communication, honesty, trust, caring, support and all that. Sure it sucks not to have contact but I've had contact with some men who NEVER came close to the love and support and caring I get from my lifer.

Welcome to PTO Lor! I can't say anymore than what the others have posted except to tell you that I married my husband a year ago and he too has 25 to life under the Three Strikes Law in California. Some may say I'm crazy, but I walk in faith and belief that he will be home soon. Our state can't afford to continue putting non-violent offenders away for life. Sooner or later, the law will be changed to apply to violent crimes only, and even better, done away with completely. God is still in control. He is still on the throne. I met my husband almost 3 yrs. ago through his sister and if you had asked me then if I would be married to someone in prison, I would have told you that you were crazy. But, here I am. I love my husband very much. I know that I am where I'm supposed to be, with whom I'm supposed to be with. I know it to the depth of my soul. That's what you need to determine. For me, there was no question. God made it very clear to me with signs and wonders, in addition to other confirmation. Think about it. Pray about it. Most of all be sure about it, because if you do marry him and then divorce him because you found someone on the outside, it would devastate him. That is one thing I've found about my husband is that he has a fear that I will bail on him. I'm not going anywhere though. He is my all, my everything!!

Take care and God bless!!
Freedom, I just read your post and it was so touching. I agree. People out here may not understand but they don't need to right? You hit it right on the noise...if God's hand is in it..why turn it away??!!! God Bless.

Freedom, I just read your post and it was so touching. I agree. People out here may not understand but they don't need to right? You hit it right on the noise...if God's hand is in it..why turn it away??!!! God Bless.


You hit it in the nose not noise (duh)

Hey girls, my man asked me to marry him last weekend. He has served ten years and has will be home 2017. I have my doubts, but I do love him. My family is not supportive but we know our love is stronger than any negativity that may come our way. We have know each other since we were seventeen, separated when he went in and have been back in each others lives for about eight months. I agree that sex is not everything. I have my own very full life and don't need to look elsewhere for that. His wonderful letters and phone calls are what keeps me going. Because of his situation, he appreciates me more than any other man I would ever find. Listen to your heart, It won't stear your wrong.....good luck!!

Several months ago, I re-dedicated my love and heart to my man. Even though all he talked about was getting married, I was like, "when you get out!" Now, I am really ready and as soon as he gets moved closer to me (God willing) we will do it. It is a difficult step ONLY because he is not here and people will want to know "WHERE is your husband?", but as was said before, the support and love he gives me is unriveled with all the men put together that I have dated since he went in 14 years ago. Parole should be in 2009/2010 so I am on a count down. Stay strong and keep God first!

My man asked me to marry him. I told him to ask me in a year. I figure by then I'll know more of how I feel. 2 short months later I do know more of how I feel. Time can help you decide.

I agree with Toi Ami. My man is LWOP. I have interest in anyone else sexually or any other way. You keep your relationship/marriage alive the same way you would outside: good communication, honesty, trust, caring, support and all that. Sure it sucks not to have contact but I've had contact with some men who NEVER came close to the love and support and caring I get from my lifer.
I meant to type I have NO interest in anyone else...........

I just married my man who has a LWOP sentence and I could only be happier if he were coming home. We both know that his chances are slim (on appeal) to none. We just take it one day at a time. I agree, communication is key to keeping the relationship going. Relationships are a risk under any circumstances. Keeping it real, will help you deal.