i blew it. and im so freaken ashamed. i got loaded and im scared and ashamed

I'm sorry, but I think it's good your on here talking about it.How are you? Do you need to go to the Hosp.What can I do to help you? I feel so bad for you. PM me if I can do any thing.....Valerie

You did what addicts do-------you used. Being clean is the abnormal state for an addict. When I last drank, two weeks after I scraped myself back together, a friend asked me to go with her to see a friend who had relapsed and was in detox. He said something to me that I've never forgotten in all these years. He said, "Getting drunk when you've been sober isn't an event, it's a process. You don't just have sobriety and then one day out of the blue you pick up a drink. The process starts sometime before you pick up that drink------sometimes a long time before------but once that thinking process starts, you ARE going to get drunk somewhere down the line." I could always stop drinking---that wasn't ever a problem for me. I could stop and I could stay stopped for quite awhile on will power sometimes. But staying stopped was a problem. I had to start following suggestions--------go to meetings, get a sponsor, read the book and work the steps. Only when I was desperate enough to take those suggestions and use them could I finally stay stopped long enough for it to work. I had to put my pride in my pocket and be willing to go to those "any lengths" I had heard about-------only then did it work. I had to quit finding fault with the meetings and the people in them and get serious about finding the things I could use and could feel positive about and putting the principles of the program in focus instead of letting my disease find reasons why I couldn't or wouldn't go to meetings and follow suggestions which just let my disease win.

So you used, whichru--------what's important is what you're going to do today and tomorrow, not what you did yesterday. You didn't let anyone down, so no need to be ashamed, although I certainly do remember my own shame when I drank after being sober two years. You've learned what doesn't work, so with that out of the way, now you can get busy with finding out what does work to keep you clean if you really want to be clean. And you know what? We all have to use every single time, or drink every single drink, that it takes for us to finally come to the place where we can get clean and sober for good. There's not one of us who hasn't had to do that very thing, so you've just done what all of us have done who are clean and sober today. I'm always here for you if you want to talk or have questions. You'll be in my prayers. It takes a big person to come and be honest about using, and that's a good start.

Hey Whichru....ya know what? Relapse is part of recovery. It's not that you relapsed it's what you choose to do now...so pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get yourself to a meeting. You're not a bad person, you made a bad decision. It's not the end of the world. It's only bad if you don't get back into working your program and choose to move on down the road to continued use. Keep coming in here and we'll keep helpin ya! ANd I betcha you could pm any of us if you need to. Just keep reaching out and get back on your program.

CJ is right. And you had three years. Nobody can take that away from you. You had that miracle and you can have it again if you can put enough days together. Besides, all any of us has to work with is just today anyway.

It was one small step backwards...... hang in there. You know you have lots of friends here to help you get over this hump in the road!

mrs. d

Whichru?

How are you today sweetie? ARe you done yet? Today is a new day and don't let the voices of Addiction tell you all the lies it is going to tell you...Brush the money off your back YOU are stronger than that and I have all the faith in the world that WE can do this...If you are using now, put it down and begin again. Get your butt to a meeting, any meeting and don't let this destroy you as it surely will as long as you continue to use..

Im on your side and let us know how you are.

OK?

i'm not feeling all that well...i can't even remember . my daughter wont talk to me. and i have a big test in the morning which i can't think straight enough to study for. and i just dont like me right now.and my demon is telling me to get high. which i wont do why make it worse

Hang in there, whichru. Sometimes, you know, it's just one minute at a time, but you'll get through it. Turn it over & let your higher power do for you what you can't do. It will get better.

Adrienne

Whichru...hey there! Put your chin up and look forward. I know you can get through this. It's a little mis-step on the road to a better life. Stop beating yourself up and move forward. I'm glad you're here with us. We WILL help you! Just keep hangin in with us ok? You know, my heroes are people like you because you are a fighter and I know that you are not going to just lay it down. It takes guts to fight the demon and I admire you for meeting it head on in battle! You're a warrior and the Creator is on your side. YOU GO!!!!

Hugs,

Whichru,
Hey-How was the test? How old is your non talking daughter. I have one. Daughter not a test. But she is the hardest test I have ever taken. Keep in touch with someone. Any darn one. We need or at least want to know you are ok. Cuz you using or not is not our concern at this point. Are you OK? I hate that word. OK, I am F-I-N-E. Just post now and again. Using or not.

HONEY

If you have the NA big book try reading the chapter "recovery & relapse" It has helped many people before and after a relapse, give it a shot if you have it. As far as your daughter, well I think it's normal for her to be angry, she is afraid more than likely, she probably is afraid she is going to loose you to the disease. The best thing you can do for her, and for yourself, is to get yourself into a recovery program. Try the online sponsor, I know you said that you didn't like the meetings in your town and that you had tried just about all of them, well I don't know what to say about that, but maybe you need to give them a new try, sometimes when we are desperate enough, and scared enough, we see things in a different light. Maybe you don't like a single person in the rooms, well that's okay, you don't have to like the people to hear the message they are giving. Maybe get the NA or AA workbook, and try to start step work using one of your friends here at PTO who have offered to help. Just remember, no matter how bad the urge is to get hi, it WILL PASS. If you take a few suggestions, call someone in recovery whether it be from PTO or from a meeting, Pray, ask God to remove from you this obsession, write in journal, write of the things you are thankful for today that you will loose if you go back to using, try a meeting again, do what ever it takes to keep yourself occupied until the urge passes. Those are the things that worked for me, I know when I had the urge to get hi it was so strong, I didn't think it was possilbe to get rid of it. But I was wrong, it is very possible. Go to a meeting and speak, tell them you are thinking about getting hi, and see what others have to offer as suggestions that worked for them. I used to practically chant over & over "God please remove this desire, God please remove this desire..." eventually it started working, and now it works great. When you go to bed at night, think of how great it feels to look your daughter in the eye & think "I did not get hi TODAY." When you wake up, think about how good it feels to actually be waking up, you didn't stay up all night getting loaded, you went to bed, you can look yourself in the mirror, you made it another 24 hours. It gets easier. You can do it, and you can live life to the fullest without the hi, you just have to get thru this rough spot here and get busy working on recovery. It's not easy but it is SOOO worth it.

damn im a few days late posting.
1. where is your sponsor?? you NEED a sponsor.
2. you cannot undo what you did, so now what you need to do is take if minute by minute if you need to (although i find day by day works wonders for me). :)

i recommend getting an NA workbook. i actually have 1 in my sparebedroom somewhere under all the crap in there. lol

they are relatively inexpensive. down in santa cruz, cali. or actually its in capitola. there is a store there. its called. "miracles" i believe. but its a store JUST for aa, na, ca, type of stuff. i would be more then willing to go by & purchase a book, or rock for you (they have these cool rocks w/stuff written on them i had one that said "faith" i kept it in my car all the time).

but, just let me know, the books are inexpensive. but if you need some help. i can help you! :)