my husband(he is a federal camp now) and i are both in recovery he has one month more clean time then i do (i am more hard headed i guess)and i have a problem with him always tryon to work my program for me n was wondering if there was any other people in reecovery who had this prob too and what they do to resolve it without hurting someone who in reality is just tryon to help you.i know i did it to my cousin when he was in recovery tryon to push him to do a third step n can only see that now in hind site so i know that nick dosent know he is doing any wrong but i have to work this in my time not his.

Relationships in recovery are tough because it's too easy to shift from seeing our own program onto finding fault with the other person's program. Your progress is up to you and your Higher Power, and his is up to him and his Higher Power. But when you have a relationship going on, that's one of the big pitfalls and has gotten many people back to drinking and using. Just keep relying on your HP for guidance and try to ignore his nit-picking with it. You can't change him, but you can change how you react to him.

thnx. i know this is really a two way street not only because of how i choose to react to him but also the fact that in my week moments i really do want him there backing me its just then i start to do better n its like he wants to supervise my recovery. i also know its a way for him to maintain some control of us being were he is at an all his duties as my protector are kinda limited. i dont know. i guess i need to not only own up to my part in it but to start to make a change in the way i react like ya said thanx for the good advice.

Do you have a sponsor? If you do, just tell him that your sponsor is helping you with your program. If you don't have a sponsor, I strongly suggest that you get one. That would also help you in knowing how to deal with his "supervision" as well as giving you a tactful response to him when he tries to "help" you with your program.

You can't change him, but you can change how you react to him. [/B][/QUOTE]

Dang, toi_ama..that was really some good advice that we could all use in daily life! I like that..

I know for me I was clean and sober 6 months before my husband got sober and we were both told to do our own program. Even though it was hard not to make suggestions and all I learned to let him to do it his way and not my way. He ended up slipping and is still drinking and I am clean and sober why I wondered when he could of asked for some suggestions and advice before he slipped but guess what I had to learn to let him do it his way. And trust my higher power that if he needed some suggestions and advice he would ask. So my suggestions is like what toi said tell him you and your sponsor are working on this or that together and you appreciate his input but you would like it if he would walk with you and not for you in this. Hang in there I think they all like to think they can fix us when really and truly we are learning on a daily basis we are fixing ourselves.

Cherrie from tx

When Dave and I met we where both clean and recovering. I had a drink every once in a while, but when I met him and found out he was a recovering alcholic/drug addict, I stopped drinking because I did not want to interfere with his recovery.
The 3 years we were together before he got in trouble we never got drunk together, or did one drug together. Actually I beleive he helped me in recovery. He is 39, and I'm 23. Hearing the stories off struggling with his addictions his whole life made me realize that going down that path was not what I wanted. I went to a rehab. After I got out I went back to the drugs. I used drugs from 15 to 20. From cocaine, LSD, meth, pot, opium, basically whatever I could get my hands. Something everyday. Not to get off your subject, but I found being in relationship when both of you are recovering could be very beneficial. But each of you need to have your own way of dealing with soberity because each person is unique. We both respected each other and communicated with each other. Though NA was not my way of recovering I still attended meetings with him to support him. I had to give a little to get a little. When he fell of the wagon he would rent a hotel room as not to let his drug problem interfer with my life. Eventually this lead him to jail. You just need to be patience. If you both want to recover and keep your relationship healthy and intact you need to keep the communction highway open, and if you don't agree with his way just give him a smile and nod, and continue on with your program.