My abuser has been in prison for 2 years out of 3 sentenced. I got a letter from The State Board of Pardons & Paroles and was very happy to hear that they have denied him parole and he will serve all his time!
Once out, he'll have 10 years probation, plus have to stay away from me for life and banned from the state for life, except the county where the airport is, as part of his plea bargain for a lesser sentence of 3 years rather then a possible 10 years.
I am a homeowner with a good job where I live now-where he once lived with me.
I don't want to move, to hide from him once he's released-I feel as though I got my power back from him and moving would be like giving it back to him. I hope he just leaves town, without coming near me first. Can they really enforce that?
He has a long list of prior assaults, and stalking charges on other girlfriends prior to me but this is the first time he has done any kind of time for any, or most-he did a 6 month stunt for Agg. Stalking once before me on another girlfriend and "it was her fault" of course.
He really thinks in his twisted mind that everything is the girls fault, we push his buttons, make him do what he does, or he blames drugs and alcohol, he never thinks twice of the consquences to his actions. Should I move quietly without really telling anyone before he gets out? Or stand firm and once again go thru the same crap as before- looking over my shoulder-scared to be alone or/and having to get a body guard like I did before? Maybe hide out at a friend's house for a few weeks after he's out?
I have purchased a gun and have taken lessons and feel I could use it if needed in my own home to protect myself.
What would anyone else do?
He's in a max. security jail even......he's really mad, apparently causing lots of trouble!

I would take all the measures of protection you can, including showing his picture to the local police, notifying your neighbors, getting some pepper spray (as a non-lethal gun alternative) or a taser. Read up on all the other things you can do, but STAY PUT. I don't think you ought to move, or do anything to "lose your power." He'll focus on someone else fairly soon.

I DO believe you should move to an unknown location. Don't stay with relatives he's familiar with, etc. You're very smart based on what you've said. I'm sure you'll make the best decisions in the situation. I'm happy you made the decision to leave.

I am a case worker for DV victims. Do all you can to remain safe. I too am a survivor. I moved to another location and have not regretted it one bit. He will find another victim. I find that moving away takes alot of power away from them. I know it does not feel like that. I took the stance at first that "you will not run me out of my home". I stayed where I was living and it was a nightmare. He broke into my apartment, hid in a closet until I got home. He jumped me and choked me. I thought it was the end of my life. I really thought he was going to kill me. After that I thought enough of this, forget my pride.... SAFETY FIRST AND FOREMOST!!!!! I moved away (3 cities away) got into counseling and then started volunteering at a DV shelter. 2 years later I met a wonderful man, have 3 children and have never been happier. It was so freeing to finally live without constantly looking over my shoulder. Please take care of yourself!! To hell with what power he thinks he has gained by your moving away.

I wouldn't stay there. If he's that mad, there's no telling what he will do. I wouldn't want to live like that with him knowing where I lived. You really should move. I would rather have the power of him not knowing where I was at!

In your title you ask "What would you do?" and that's what my answer is... What I would do.
I would get a good security system installed in the house with panic buttons in livingroom, bedroom and kitchen in addition to the main panel and video recording at the entrances (There are some pretty affordable options now with motion sensors that are great for logging who has come to your door). All that equipment would be a big investment, but worth it... and I'd be sure to tell my homeowners insurance carrier about the upgrade since such equipment usually means a pretty drastic discount on premiums....and I would provide my neighbors, and, if there is one, my neighborhood watch, with photographs and a copy of the protective order.... I would notify my employer of the situation and ask that the police be called if my ex showed up or called. If finances allowed, I would get a car with that "OnStar" or a similar service so that I could call for assistance at the push of a button.
I would take a crash course in self defense and enroll in a longer term martial arts class.
Again, that would be MY route... you have to do what will make you feel safe.
Good luck to you, my dear.

I have known and heard a lot of men make threats and say that they will do this or that.
but you know most of them are all talk once they know that your tired of it and not going to take it, that they cant intimidate you anymore they usually focus there attention on someone else not as strong to stand up to them. these man that hurt us we give them so much power over us. they seem so big in our mind but in reality they are nothing.
Don't let no man control your decisions but keep in mind your own safety.
because you are the only one who knows what this man is truly like your the only one who can answer your question weather you need to move or not.take into consideration everything you know about his past before you were together and think about when ya were together.
but if you want my opinion on what I would do if you were me.
I would pretend he doesn't exist while he is in jail don't have anything to do with him if he writes call and let the prison he's in know that he writes you and that you want him to stop. if he tries to call put a block on your phone. and when he get's out for the first couple of weeks don't be left alone. because when he first get's out you will be on his mind. if he shows up at your house call the cops immediately. don't let him think that you have any interest in him and in awhile his focus will change to someone else.

think about how far he took things with his ex girlfriends.
and what your really willing to put up with.
if you have a good support system where you at like frienda and family i woudnt leave.

i am proud of you for being a survivor of d.v.im even more proud that you have made such great achievements.i know it would be hard for you to give it up after all you went through.for you to remain safe you may have to move to another city.we survivors of d.v. have to constantly be on guard b/c our abusers wont quit.they dont care if we rebuilt our lives and made great accomplishments-they only know that at one time they held control over our lives and they have a sick fantasy to do it again and stop us from making them a liar.he knows you proved him a liar when you got away from him and havent been bac.
he knows that you proved him a liar when you accomplished great things for yourself.
he knows that you proved him a liar when he went to jail(probably thought he was invincible)
he is raging right about now,anxious,excited that you know he will be out soon.he may have made other connections with other women but YOU are his infactuation:the one that got away.the important thing is that you knwo you can achieve great things.the important thing is that you know he lied between two drops of rain.the important thing is that he wont forget that you got away from him.
if push comes to shove leave everything!as we speak he bout knows you dont want to leave your home and job...that just may be what he is counting on.stay safe and be strong

it just occurred to me that when a woman moves on and rebuilds her life and makes great accomplishments,her abuser uses her reluctance to leave her new home(job,family)to his advantage.honey i have left everything so many times i wouldnt hesitate to leave it all again if my ex husband were alive.i got you in my prayers

Thank you everybody for your feedback. The abuser gets released next week. I have taken many precautions so far with the will to stay put, at home. I have since changed my mind after receiving and reading a letter from the DCOR about abusers probation w/ Chief Of Probations phone number...and even more so after reading some of these posts. So talking with the Chief of Probation in the county he was (last) arrested in. They told me, even though he's banned from the state..once released from prison he is (too free-what does banned mean anyway???)and has to report to the county's prob office w/i 48 hrs. plus and stay away from me for life-directly or indirectly he said or go to jail...just gave me no comfort...so anyway, from there they will figure out what's next...where he wants to move, set up probation there. Chief Officer was kind enough however, he was, giving me safely pointers and I do understand what he's talking about when I asked about abuser being monitored while still in this state. He said, "Once they do their time, we are finished babysitting them, we can't do it forever and think of the manpower to babysit all the releasees everyday". I have decided to put a fake "For Sale by Owner" sign in front with a friends phone number so they can monitor any calls coming through. I have disconnected my home phone. I am telling no one of these plans. I haven't spoken about his release date, lately, to anyone (people forget, lost track of time) as I don't want any more well meaning advice...I'm just telling them, I'm going on an extended vacation and if my place sells..so be it, if they see it. Abuser is very cunning and it's best no one knows anything. I will have contact with the prob off and learn of his whereabouts as best I can...however, how easy is it for anyone of these abusers to valilate terms of prob-excited as they "know they will/and usually get away with it" if crossing state lines or jumping out from a dark corner just to get a reaction out of you then be on their way before the cops arrive. They are weak and are cowards, they can't have you, but until they find someone else, they will do stupid scary stuff like that. That's his M.O. hopefully he will mess up in some way-drugs, drug tests,etc and go away for the remaining 7 years prob. And it's not 10 years hard prob like I thought....it was a split sentence...3 in the slamer, 7 out (with hard prob)....for that 10 year total...oh well, more then enough time for him to screw up!
Something that confuses me however....I just can't seem to get what the procedure is when leaving prison that is 190 miles from the reporting prob office in a state you are barred from for life? Is it like the movies...they let them out walking..they walk to a bus and hop on??
I have an email in to my V.A.-maybe it's me...if this is proper procedure, fine, but someone explain it for my piece of mind! I am beginning to bore myself already!!! Thanks again all!

I'm sorry, I had no idea my post was so lenghty!

I can't explain the banning/reporting stuff, but I wanted to wish you the very best of luck in the next few weeks. Stay safe!

Thank you Nimuay-I don't know too much about the luck stuff but I will do evrything possible to stay alert and safe! Thanks again.

I wish you the best as well and it is great to know that you have some type of plan together. I wish they could monitor some of these people more but like he said when his time is done, it is done. But on the other hand if he is on probation for 10 years don't they have to monitor him somehow? This is crazy.

You know your situation better then anyone, do whatever you think will make you safe. Trust that gut feeling we all have. (hugs) sokie

survivor04,

I am thankful you have been blessed with discernment, knowing that you must take precautions in staying safe. Never give up on yourself and may God continue to bless your new life. :grouphug: