I'm wondering if those of you who have been on the inside could help me out. I'm just looking for nuggets of advice on how I can be the best help for my mate while he is serving his sentence? I know letters are treasured, etc. Anything else? Is anything too cheesy? Do I really need to go out of my way to look extra nice every time I see him?

Anything you can offer is greatly appreciated! Thank you. :)

Sometimes there isn't much to write about or don't feel like writting much. I've found that pages of "jokes" are wanted and they can be past around or just told. Anything to get a laugh in a darken corner is helpful.

What direction you take your writting and visits, just depends on your comfort zone.

As too getting all dolled up, personally, I would rather see what's normal daily and get accoustom to that. But I'm not him.

Hey... when I was in, getting a visit was getting a visit! It didn't matter what they looked like, so long as they came! :)

As far as if anything's too cheesy.... Hmmm... I doubt it! I have smothered Dale for almost 2 years now with letters, cards, poems, jokes, and anything I can find! When it comes to mail.... The more the merrier!

Jodygirl

Hey Linda,

All you can do is be yourself --- i did 4 1/2 years and to be honest i started hating visits and the end of my sentence, because of the gettin stripped and just the whole thing of being watched so close ... But if you do visit him and act soooooooo nice hes going to sense that, and think you are hiding something...Just be normal, and let him know you will be there for him by doing things on the outside --- i mean stupid things. But while you are in there they mean a lot.. I couldent say it enough --- My sister used to promise me things and then forget about them ... It would really piss me off but i had to realize, No one understands!!!!!!!!! ---- its like you stop breathing when you are in there and once you enter the real life everything starts again ...

I haven't been inside so I don't know if this will help ya. When my guy was waiting to be transferred from jail to intake, I told him to mark the letters he wanted me to mail back to him. After he was transferred I picked up his stuff and read the letters he had hand picked. They were all my mushy, corny, cheese filled ones. I was worried at first too about being too corny, but I found out that he loved hearing it. Everyone's different so my only advice is to just be the you that he knows and loves. That's the person he's going to be thinking about.

Freckles

Thats Exactly right -----

everyone is different----- i had a nother sister that used to write me so dam much --- i would roll my eyes in the mail room --- tons and tons of cards . i think she would drink and feel sorry for me or something like that . not that i didnt appreciate it but enough......... I use to say to her wow i love them so much ...

HI!!! I DID A LITTLE TIME AND LET ME TELL YOU---LETTERS ARE EVERYTHING---BASICALLY THE ONLY "REAL" LINK TO THE OUTSIDE!!! MY GUY JUST GOT OUT BUT...I WROTE HIM EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR ALMOST A YEAR...SENT HIM CARDS EVERY WEEK...HIS B-DAY WAS IN SEPT...AND I SENT HIM A CARD EVERY DAY OF HIS "B-DAY" WEEK...LOL!!!YEAH---I AM A TOTAL CHEESEHEAD!!! LMAO...AS FAR AS VISITS---I AM SURE THAT YOU JUST TAKING THE TIME TO BE THERE WILL SUFFICE---I WOULD NOT WORRY TOO MUCH ABOUT LOOKING PERFECT AND ACTING A CERTAIN WAY...ALSO...MY GUY IS REALLY INTO MOVIES AND MUSIC,SO I USED TO PRINT OUT SONG LYRICS OF HIS FAVORITES AND ALSO SEND HIM MOVIE AND BOOK REVIEWS...JUST ANYTHING THAT WOULD HELP HIM STAY CONNECTED!!!

The best mail --- were magazines every kind........ loved them....

new questions along similar lines...

how do you send magazines? i sent some books from the store the other day, but i didn't know i could send magazines in. is that different for each state/facility? do they have to be sent directly from the publisher or can i send him "used" ones i buy?

any other suggestions? i feel so limited by the corrections dept.! but i guess that's the point...they're in prison! anyway, i'm still looking for good ideas.

last week i sent him a card every day. i was thinking about buying a disposable camera and taking a picture of myself every hour for 24 hours...or maybe a picture a day of whatever is going on out here, and then sending them in one by one.

let me know if you have any other ideas, and thanks for the encouragement!

lam422, I LOVE the 24 hour pic idea!!

I don't know how magazines are supposed to work. I would guess they might be different at each facility. You could call and ask to speak to someone who knows the mailing guidelines there. I work at a used bookstore so I just put our stamp on mags that I send and he gets them.

Freckles

I just sent some books using www.amazon.com

i've started sending books, too. a good, fairly cheap site i've found that matches our interests is www.christianbook.com

I sent my baby 4 letters, a letter with internet stuff, 2 cards, pictures, song lyrics, and poetry all last week, and I sent more stuff this week. Do you guys think this is an overload....all my letters are at least 10 pages long, front and back. Tell me.

i don't think it would be overload...at least not for aaron! he would love that. but i can't speak for your man. my guess is he appreciates it.

Thanks, I just dont want to to think I am psycho. LOL!

I'm not sure if it works the same in every state... but you should be able to just order a magazine subscription, (wether from an 800 # or from one of the little subscription cards in a magazine), and just put your loved ones name on the card as to who is to receive them. Dale had 5 different subscriptions at one time.... along with getting books from amazon.com

Jodygirl

A newspaper subsciption is great. This sound terrible but I always liked to look and see if anybody I knew was getting in trouble, married, etc.

I do agree about getting the newspaper --- but one thing,by the time you receive the newspaper it was 3 or 4 days later. By that time you had already seen the news on the tv....

Don says a newspaper subscription is the best because every single day you have something to trade after you've read it.

He doesn't follow sports so he found it especially funny what guys would trade him just for the sports section which he didn't want anyway. :)

You can buy magazine subscriptions on amazon.com, and they will ship direct. Every year for Christmas I send Subscriptions to National Geographic, Popular Scienc, Popular Mechanics, and Discover....he really enjoys them.

Mail, visits, phone calls. Not in that order. Mail, no matter what it is is great. Visits kept me sane. Phone calls were good too. Reminded me I was not forgotten.

i write EVERYDAY for a year now....sometimes i just write a bit....and mail out like 3 days worth in one letter. hahahaha...my husband LOVES it. I cannot visit ( too far ) and he said all my letters make him feel as if we are sharing these days together. on another note....if you recieved a letter every day from your man, how would you feel ? HAPPY HAPPPY HAPPPY , i'm assuming. ha ha

I send my baby a letter everyday. He said that when he was younger and locked up, he never got mail, and didn't expect anything this time either,... but now that he's been getting mail everyday he tells me that he looks forward to my letters and the pictures I send him of me and our son. He wrote me once that he hadn't gotten a letter in "months"... it had been 3 days :p the mail was just backed up because of a 3 day weekend... poor baby.. but write your man and send him letters. He'll love them, even if all you do is write down your thoughts. Letters are outside conversations for inmates and a mental escape from thier harsh reality, so give him a lil vacation.:thumbsup:

Contact with the outside is everything! I was lucky and blessed in that I had constant support from my family and Church. The tendency seemed for inmates to get lots of mail in the first couple of years. That tapered off as people on the outside got on with their lives. I knew guys who had been in ten years who got nothing.
Where I was, books and magazines had to come from the vendor, i.e., a mail order source or subscription. That varies from place to place.
I only got a few visits, but loved 'em.
God Bless You.

I think the trick is balance...do as much as you can as the outmate, without jeapordizing your financial status or too much of your own life for your loved one.

My husband likes letters and pictures. He's in school all day, and works, and has tons of homework, so he doesn't need or want too many books. He said he doesn't want any mags until he's a year or so to house. For some inmates (especially those with long terms) it helps to not be too connected to the world. You know?

I don't visit too much either. We always clown the every weekend visitors, and we wonder, "do they have a life"? No matter what I go once a month. One time we went almost 2 months (I travel a lot for work and don't live close to the prison) and that was WAY too much for us. He doesn't get any other visitors, but if he did; that would make me feel better. :( Anyway, he's totally programmed, so he's even got this thangs on the w/ends.

We are all good. Many of the more mature and understanding inmates would actually be more stressed out of if we did TOO much. They know what a financial strain they have put us in.
Wendy

You raise a very good point. Balance is very important. It's sometimes easy for an inmate to forget that folks on the outside have other priorities. You have to take care of yourself first.

I have some magazine links on my website to sent them, check it out, great thread here too by the way, thanks everyone!

My husband love the letters, calls, visits, and when I surprise him on a Tuesday he loves those the best, I write at least once a week maybe 2, if I have time, and him as well. I send him poems, pictures, I went once to 42st in New York and took pictures for him of all the lights and he was so EXCITED! He likes to see streets, and people, cars...like specific places he can place himself in when he was free.

Hi there, I haven't been on the inside but /I have been with my man for 2 and half years since he's been in what helpsis reasurance, if you say your going t do things do them write as much as you can send cards, listen and be attentive, how all the love you can and stay strong for him, keep him positive and send pic!

I'm one of those people who visit every weekend. The comment made about clowning peple who do visit every weekend was so insensitive. I personally don't waste time during my visit with my husband to bother seeing who comes every weekend. We couldn't care less. So yes I have a life. My life consist of minding my own business and not make light of other people's. Yes I write a letter every single day. At least 7 to 10 pages. I also get letters and cards from my Husband everyday except Sunday's and holidays. I love going to the mail box and finding my daily "I love u and my hello's" from the man who loves me. To those who do visit every weekend, don't stop. Trust that they really need that and it helps us as well. I take taime out everyday just for me. But my reality is that the man I love is not physically with me. We are going to do what ever we can to have some type of a normal life together. So if that means I get up at 4am to make a 2 hour drive to his unit every Saturday, endure car searches and this Texas weather I will do so. He is worth it, my marriage is worth it and our many years of friendship is worth it. I will not ever give him a reason to think he is not my main priority. I spend time doing fun things with family and friends but he is the most important person in my life. I have time to spend on just me because neither of us have children and old drama to keep us mentally occupied. My job is very demanding and stressful but it is NOT my life. My relationship with God and my relationship with my husband makes up my life and my world. Our relationship was only friends for many many years. So we have nothing but happy memories. Society has said they are not worth anything. Well I'm here to say my husband is worth everything to me. He made a mistake and he is paying for it dearly. I'm paying for it along with him, just like everyone who cares for him is. I'm here to keep him sane in his world of madness. When I see him walk toward me with that beautiful smile I quickly forget all the negative things I hear people say. When he does come home in the next few month's he will remember how I stood by him. He tells me that still after 5 years of letters and visits. When times get tough we already know they have been a whole lot worse. Yesterday I found out he made his trustee S2 status. Who do you think he credits for that? He told me to my face that it was my support of him that gave him encouragement to get hisself together. For that I will keep on visiting every weekend, writting letters everyday and loving him for a life time. I love him more every second of the day. And by the way my husband has NEVER asked me for a dime. All he ever wanted was my friendship and letters when ever I had the time. He tells me all the time tp spend my money on me and that he is fine. I grew to love this man because of what I saw in him that others refused to. He is far from perfect. and so am I. I do for him because I'm able. My bills are paid on time. I have way more nonessential material posessions than I can enjoy in 2 lifetimes plus I have everything I need except him home where he belongs. It's easy loving someone who is lovable, the true test is when they are not.

my husband saves up a week or two worth of letters then answers them all in one long letter.*L* I usually send him a card a day the week of his b-day ( in Oct.) then I send him a card a day the two weeks before Christmas.

Can you send newspapers?

RK , I have never been inside but here in Ca. I got my guy a subscription to the newspaper and he gets it ok

When I was locked up, I took up Spades & Chess. TV Causes to much trouble so I would avoid that. I also wouldnt talk to anyone about anything! except with his boys. No court stuff for sure. If word goes around about someone who talks and the guy gets label slapped on him then things will go down hill. That advice should make things easier.

Letter writing took up a lot of my time for a while, and lots of reading. I read the dictonary from front to back. And then went through it again, and started writing down all the words I liked from it.

There are lots of ways to keep occupied.

Dont forget the car magazines with the pretty "models", He can read and trade those.

Photos. Pictures of you and of his home, places you both like to go. Spray his letters with his favorite perfume. Lipstick kiss his letters (some prisons don't allow this so check first).

Where I was, we could effectively subscribe to the newspaper - each friday we'd put in the next week's order...We could also buy magazines - any kind - through the commissary, but there was a limit on what we could display. You couldn't believe the amount of trouble, and forms I had to fill out and go to to get them to finally agree to let me change my magazine subscriptions (to Time, and to a computer magazine) to the prison address over though. They finally agreed... :P tch... The things they try to control/manipulate.

When I was incarcerated, I recieved a subscription to the Dallas Morning News, my family had to pay a premium to do this, but I usually got a paper every mail call, though the paper was usually late a day or two it was better than none.

Also, magazines like Maxim, Blender, HIM, and other "risque" material that is not on their approved list will take them forever to get it to you, they have to look through the entire magazine to see if anything is offensive, i.e. nudes.

As of June of 2005 "Jack Books" are considered contraband and will net you a nice major case, and a good set off from BPP. This is probably a violation of rights, but as I was told. "If you dont like it, then DONT come back!"