The reason why I wanted this Lifer's Forum is because ......

I have a pen pal that is serving life for 2nd degree murder in Florida. I don't know if that's lwop or not. Don't know how they do that there. Guess what I want is those of you that are far wiser with the system in this area to give those of us lacking in wisdom pointers on how to deal with and encourage our friends or loved ones.

I am so second guessing myself when I write him. I sure don't want to add one iota grief to his existence.

Any pointers on do's and don'ts of writing to a lifer that is a pen pal. The kid is only 26yr old. Thanks.

I guess I would come right out and ask HIM what things will hurt if you write about them!! Many lifers cut all ties to the world because they don't want to know whats going on out here. My husbands friend - who I also write to - doesn't want to know about going camping....so when I go, I don't tell him about it. He says its because he will NEVER be able to lay on his back and watch the stars again or get up to see a sunrise. Those are the two things that hurt him the most.....

mrs. d

I am with Mrs. D. on this one - ask him! I think that every single one of these men and women that are lifers will have different likes and dislikes and areas that may or may not be taboo!

I would explain why you are asking and ask him to give you a list of the things that he does want to hear about... or not?

With Mrs. D's experience I am sure that there is someone out there that wants to hear about camping just so that they can go there in their mind... Now my Partner is not a lifer but he loves it when I write really descriptive stories about walking in the woods or on the beach becasue he can lay back and see and smell and feel all the things that I do... He says it is as close to being there as he can get...

It all depends on the lifer I think. The ones who have chosen to divorce themselves from the outside world usually won't write to anyone on the outside, so if he's writing to you, then he must not be one of those, at least for the time being. I think the ones who choose to forget the outside world exists are the ones who have been deeply hurt by people out here who dumped them or otherwise hurt them, so they finally just stop having any contact with free people because it's easier on them that way.

My guy Fred chooses to stay in touch with the outside world. He's serving life without parole and although he's still in the appeals process, he's such a vital man that I don't foresee him ever wanting to forget the world out here. Although we've hit it off so well that we're very close, he's got other pen pals out here and some ads on the internet where he sometimes makes a new friend. I don't mind this at all. I hope he keeps contact with many others out here. So far in the few months we've been writing, there hasn't been anything that he's told me bothers him. I told him to let me know, though, if there was anything that ever did bother him and I know he will. He's been in about ten years now.

To be facing a life sentence at 26 is a bleak prospect. I'm so glad he has you to write to him and keep him in touch with the outside world.

I would use his letters to you as a guide if possible.I write 2 lifers I got one of each "type".My bf chooses to know about the world and looks forward to being in it.He likes to hear about ALL I do.When we were just penpals(and even now) I try to tell even ordinary everyday stuff because its dif than what they do everyday.When I go somewhere I try to take pics or send free brochures I picked up. Use your penpals likes/interests as a guide as well.I got some funny looks but I went to a HUGE mall near Detroit that had a store that was my man's FAVORITE when he was out and took pics of it and what was new/on display,etc.HE LOVED it! And me describing all the crazy looks I got!!!:D Now his brother to whom I also write is waaaaay dif.He writes to me about 1/mo and typically doesn't do visits or mail.He shuts out the outside world and that's how he "copes"/does his time. He is VERY private and ALWAYS says "what do I write nothing ever happens here" now it took me 8 mos but I FINALLY found a topic or two that opened him up! So you just need to find out what kinda guy he is!PM me any time for more ideas I'm always full of 'em!!!

My husband is in Florida doing a life sentence for a 3rd degree murder that someone else pulled the trigger on. He has not decided to cut himself off from the world instead he gets involved in activites at the prison the allows him to keep up with the outside a little. Just ask him like Mrsdragon said, you can't lose doing that:)
Feel free to PM me!!
Good Luck and God Bless!!
Kim

My cousin is also serving a life sentence. I have asked him many times to tell me if I ever write the wrong thing. He responds that my letters are "refreshing" to him, after all his convict to convict mail. And enjoys them. I write the things I would say if he were out here with me,
I agree, those who don't want to hear about certain things probably don't want contact wiuth the outside. This happens when family or friends have abandoned them. My cousin appreciates the fact that I write him at all.

I don't live a very exciting life & sometimes I don't feel that I have much of interest to write about. Last 4th of July, instead of going to a picnic, or watching fireworks a friend of mine came over & we spent the morning clearing off my back deck, dumping old soil out of clay pots, stacking them & bleaching the deck, & when I wrote Les I told him what we'd done. (yawn) He loved it! He said he felt as though he were here when he read about it. I was so touched that something so mundane would appeal to him. My writing will certainly become much more descriptive in the future. He's been inside for 26 years, no telling how many more to go.

Adrienne

I started writing to Tony when he was on Death Row and was very careful what I put into letters. In the end I asked him if it would be OK to tell him what I was doing and where I was going or would it upset him too much. He wanted to hear about EVERYTHING as he said it made him feel part of my life and my world.

I did a fair bit of travelling last year and sent cards and letters from every place I stayed. He loved it.

He had his sentence commutted by Ryan to LWOP but has an appeal lodged and he should be free sometime, they're quick to punish but very slow to admit they have the wrong person. We are planning on getting married and we just have to keep hoping that it won't be too long before he comes home. We still have a battle ahead of us, not just to get him free from the horrors he's been living for the last 20 years, but with immigration here. It's going to be an uphill battle to have him live with me but, again, we are hopeful.

Keep your faith and dreams alive, it will help you and your loved one get through all that is thrown at you.

Rose

go girl and write him, imlove someone to care enough to write, and 2nd degree is not life w/o parole, its like 15 to life most the time. ktc

not imlove someone to write, ** i meant theyd love someone to write.

Like Kimba's husband, Fred also is involved with things at the prison. He's involved with the veterans group there and with the Native American group because he's half Apache. He reads a lot, writes, and does a lot of Native American crafts. The big ones-------breastplates, chokers, and such. He watches the news on TV a lot and follows all the current events. He loves everything I write to him, even though I don't live a very exciting life and often just write about getting a new mop or cleaning out the fridge or mundane (to me) things like that.

The only thing my friend doesn't want to hear about is my current love life. Past is OK but not present. Everything else he can't get enough of. I send him the funny headlines from the day's news and send pictures of all sorts of stupid stuff - the grocery, the gas station etc. He loves it. Always asking for more.

My son is currently sentenced to Life, eligible for parole after 25 years in Florida (pending appeal) also for 2nd Degree. I think in Florida it depends on when your loved one was sentenced and the type of crime. My son does receive 1 type of gain time, but not the others. He is 21 now and has been in jail since he was 18.

I encourage him to play baseball, which he used to love, read, have a job,and am enrolling him in the University of Ohio Distance Learning program which I found out about from PTO. He has tested off the charts for the trade programs and the education director is trying to get him into one of the programs, which because of his sentence he really isnt eligible for.

I encourage him to remain in contact, it doesnt have to be close or consistent with family and friends, even ones who seem to have forsaken him.

I write about everything. Nothing is taboo, or too inconsequential. I fill his periodical list with everything from Time to People and Puzzle Magazines. I want him to remain grounded and connected with life and what goes on outside.

I'm not sure about what happens with his gain time, or with the appeal so I'm not focused on exactly what all this will mean, but here in Florida Life doesnt always mean just that, there have been terrible overcrowding situations where "Lifers" were released.

I also write a few of his friends, 2 of them were his friends from grammer school, and 2 others are friends from when he was in the county facility. I recently started writng a DR inmate (another idea from PTO, and my idea of a way to pay back some of the great information I have received here. There too, I write about everything. I think its huge for them to receive the letters and to know they are not forgotten and their thoughts and opinions are cherished. Hope this helps.

My boyfriends Twin brother was sentenced to Natural Life, the both are in prison right now and i just don't know what to say to his mom, i am there for her when she needs me just like i am there for my baby. I write is brother and let him know how everyone is doing and how his brother is doing. Somedays i just don't know what to say to either one of them.

Every inmate is different, just as we all are. I spent time with inmates that spent 30 days in jail for tresspassing to guys in prison camps with no chance for parole, and had been down for decades. I cannot say honestly that no one resists to know what is going on in the outside world; there are television sets in most prisons,and guys watch a lot of it. Inmates also see mail call as one of the most important times of the day. It's their only chance to know who out there in that world still cares for them. Now granted, there are those who burn their bridges, and they ultimately live in prison to regret them. I have seen guys do that, and near the end of their sentence ( about 6 months or so) they get that fear of what the outside world is like, and how they are going to possibly survive without any help. That is a very scary thought for an inmate. If you write to inmates that have a lot of time, first ask them if they mind you writng them. Sometimes they want to be left alone, and not think about the outside world. But rarely is that permanent. But if you are going to write, you have to commit for the long haul. Not just the first 4 months, or even the next 4 years. Are you willing to commit that friendship over the duration, or as long as humanly possible. This isn't as easy as it sounds. Let him know that off the bat, so he knows what to expect.

Anything I do he wants to hear about it. He gets the biggest kick out of me describing housecleaning a one bedroom apartment with a doberman and a rottweiler trying to help me.
Plus, if I throw in the trials and tribulations of my friends, it's better than a soap opera to him.

My man says that he needs to have contact with the outside world to keep his sanity. Myself and my kids are about the only connection her has by mail. I guess I have some experience writing a lifer...been doing it for 5 years now.

He wants to learn about computers. So I am teaching him. I print the screen...and he can see what i see when i look at the monitor. He can see what the programs look like like WORD that i use to write him. His latest curiosity is how viruses are sent and spread. It started out as him just trying about something that is important in my life. Now he has been watching Tech TV :o) for a while I had set up an e-mail account for him. I would print his mail, he would write me with the response, I would type the replies. He loves e-mail!

We talk of so many things after all these years. I receive on an average of 4-7 letters a week. I mail 2-3 times a week, 5 pages typed. We have 20 questions in some letters, stories that he writes a chapter, i write the next, 'venting' letters, and sometimes just gabbing. Its just my life, while he serves life.

Dawn

WOw Dawn.. where do you get all that time.. ?? hahaha !! I VISIT at least once a week, and if not twice a month.. mandatory..:))))
i write right after our visit.. usually and then usually send a thinking of you card.. in the middle of week... i feel like my life is so full of diffrent things.. sometimes i write everything .. and other times.. i write what he says.. "same thing diffrent day" .. :))

This weekend i go for a visi t and i am bringing a friend .. up with me.. someone he has heard me talk about for the past 7 years or so..
so it should be intresting..
Donna

Well Donna, I have the time because I cant visit regularly. I am only able to visit once every 3 months or so. He is 525 miles away, and its a 10 hour drive. Thats why the letters are our main thing. In Michigan the visitor lists are restrictive. Not anyone can visit and it takes quite some time to get approved. Not to mention they are only allowed to ammend them every 6 months. So I am one of the 3 people that can visit him, i am the ONLY one that visits. I try to get someone to go with me, but it never works out. My son is now 19 and would like to start visiting, if so he can at least help with the drive up there. he has just been sent to General population, and even though we cant have contact visits, they just got increased from 2 hours to 4 hours. So i leave on a Wednesday noght about 10pm. Drive all night through and pull into the parking lot of the prison at 8:00am. Its funny cuz they know when i show up on a thursday morning, i have been driving all night! then i visit till Sunday morning and head home after that. Its crazy, but its worth it.

Thanks for listening....

Dawn

WOW.. again.. YOU are a very dedicated woman.. i hope he realizes this.. (which i am sure).. and i bitch about an 1 hour drive.. :)

I often think about , if he was transferred out of state.. because that can happen. Just the thought , makes me cringe. I AM fortunate i can visit just about every week.. this is the first time i am actually bringing someone up in 8 years.. big stuff.

Take care ..
Donna

My husband Ralf is serving life without parole in Florida for 2nd degree murder. We just found out this week that his appeal was denied without explanation. That means we can't go any further. Not even to the supreme court. Up until now we haven't really dealt with the issue that he may never come out of prison. I've always pictured him coming home someday. We have one other option that might work but now I'm almost afraid to hope. Ralf is a German citizen and he can petition to be moved to Germany to serve his sentence and if Florida agrees he will go back to Germany and I'll follow. The only catch is Germany doesn't believe in life without. They are focused on rehabilitation and life only means maybe 10 years. So we don't know if Florida will go for it. I guess it depends on how vindictive they are. I still don't know how we will do life without if it comes to that. I love my husband and I don't want to leave him. But it will mean sacrificing my life also. This is not how I want to spend the rest of my life. How do I do this? It's almost more than I cna comprehend. Any suggestions out there besides divorce? That is not an option for me at least not right now.