My brother has had difficulty writing to his son in prison. At this time my mother (his grandmom) and I are writing to him - his younger brother may be as well, although I'm not positive.

My brother, I know, feels guilty for his son being in prison. My brother did not do anything to cause him to be there. My brother did, however, go through a nasty divorce, and his ex-wife has a strained relationship with all of her kids. I know my brother feels terrible for this whole situation.

How can I encourage my brother to write to his son? I know that my nephew would really like to hear from his dad. Every letter I get from my nephew says "My dad still has not written to me since I've been locked up - why won't he write to me?" :(

I understand my brother's feelings but also feel that his son needs his support greatly. Or is this simply up to my brother and there's not a whole lot I can do?

Thanks.

CelticFerret

I'm sorry your family is going through this. I understand why you are upset. I really can't think of anything you can do about the situation, just hope and pray that the father/son relationship gets woked out betwen them. I hope your brother comes around.

If I were you, I'd keep encouraging your brother to write to his son in prison. You're the aunt, so it's ok to remind your brother that people inside do better with supportive outsiders while they're in, have an easier time transitioning once they're released, and are less-likely to return to prison in the future.

Aside from his feelings of letting his son down, maybe writing an old fashioned letter is just plain hard for your brother. It is for lots of people. Maybe suggest he start small with a few postcards that only need a couple of sentences on them. Or he could send an old family photo (or current photos of town landmarks). Or just a funny greeting card with a warm signature. Or how about a daily photocopy of a comic strip or the local sports scores?

I have sort of the opposite problem since I'm encouraging an adult in prison to write to his adult son on the outside. As I say to him, "You're the bigger grown-up so you have to be the one to put your ego aside and make the bigger effort."

Lynnsy had a good suggestion of starting small. I think sometimes, especially for men, it can be difficult to know what to say.

Now the getting him to do it part.

Father and son are both in similar situations. They are both in situations they cannot control, one being incarcerated, a measure of fear, lonliness, guilt, etc... The other on the outside with a measure of fear, guilt, etc.

Neither one can do anything about the son's physical situation right now nor can they do anything about how he got there.

What they both can do, however, is counsel each other, share with each other, get to know each other like many sons and fathers do not get/take time to do. This is your brother's best chance at mending the hurt and guilt inside of him and it would help his son as well.

We all make mistakes. The idea is to learn from them and move on to something better.

No person likes to be pushed into something they don't want to face. Chances are if a person is not tactful enough they will only get negativity and things like, "Stop interferring, stop pushing me, etc" will get thrown in your face.

You know your brother, I don't...so try to think of tactful ways of edging him toward writing. You could even purchase a few cards and get them to your brother and say I know your son would like these, you should send one off.

Is it possible a letter from his son that asked questions that only a he could answer would prompt him? I don't mean questions like, "Why don't you write to me? and Are you mad at me?" etc.

He could ask about family pets, ask how siblings are doing in school, ask about his father's hobby's if there are any. Or maybe if his son called him.. do they talk on the phone?

I have a feeling if you found postcards of things your nephew likes or places he was fond of or wanted to go and gave a stack of them (PREPOSTMARKED) to your brother he just might fill a couple out. Saying something like... hey I have these pre addressed pre stamped postcards that I know he would like, for when you are ready to send him something.

Good luck.

Celtic, I agree with much that Magi said. Can they talk on the phone? Is your brother able to visit his son? I don't know anything about the circumstances or proximity to each other. But, I do know some men simply don't write letters. When our son was in, Jim (his dad/my husband) never wrote once. Thankfully, he got out on parole in less than a year, but the time element wasn't the factor. We visited our son together and Jim always talked to him on the phone; he just isn't one to write. Of course, he knew I was writing and always signed for both of us, but our son knew it was actually me doing the writing.

I'm sorry I don't have the answer. As Magi said, it might be good for his son to write first, if he hasn't, and ask his dad a few questions. That would give your brother a starting place--he could answer the questions without having to try to think of what to say.

Thank you all for your suggestions - they are good ones. My brother had a change of heart and decided that he needed to write to his son - he wrote the first letter on the computer today. My brother, due to his health, is unable to travel to where his son is in prison. My brother is on his son's visitation list and phone list and they've spoken on the phone already - I hope it continues.

Thanks again.

Sometimes it takes some time for the heart to heal before a parent can face this. I can only imagine the pain your brother is going thru, the guilt he feels, becaue after all he is his father. Please continue to encourage him to stay in contact with his son as much as possible. Good things can truly come out of this sad and painful situation ;)

Stacy

To me, this is very sensitive, but at the same time, this is more common than he thinks. The only difference is that this is a rare situation because most prison support sites have moms, girlfriends and the like. Guys usually don't write about these things, which kinda also lends into this problem.

I think the first thing he had to understand is that he is not guilty...yeah, easier said than done, but I get tons of pms and emails from moms and girlfriends who felt the same way about a loved one entering the prison system.

No matter the circumstances, people tend to look for an abstract reason to punish themselves, and it does not help in the healing process, which seems critical now. The son NEEDS to hear from his dad, and his dad NEEDS to be there for his son.

The timetable on this is critical too, because we don't know how long it will be before the son starts to develop a bitterness against his dad, and the longer it roots itself, the harder it will be to remove it.

Let me ask this, has the son written to his dad yet? If so , did he tell his dad that him being in prison is not the dad's fault? Somewhere in this relationship has to be that issue. If he told you that, did you tell his dad?

You are in a very sensitive situation, with two people you care about likely to be floating in opposite directions. You have a difficult task in convincing the dad to write to his son, and to convince the son that hid dad has not abandoned him.

Not easy, but not impossible.

When I was in prison, my mom asked the same thing. She wanted to know what she did wrong, as many mothers do, and it is no different whether it is any other person. The dad has to understand that he was not at fault, and the person he has to hear it from is his son.

If he hasn't done so, the son needs to start the movement. Somewhere in that letter he has got to attack that problem of who's fault it is. I believe if the son can be honest and sincere, he share with the dad that we all make our own decisions and we take our own paths. We make mistakes but we can change. The dad needs to hear that from his son, so that his belief won't be so negative.

The healing process has to start with those two, but before it can happen, there has to be communication, open communication. If it were me in prison, and I was in that situation, I might say something like this:

"Dad, I understand that you feel like all this was your fault, and maybe you don't want to talk to me because you feel you should take the blame for me being here (in prison).

But you are not responsible for me being here, I am responsible for being here, and I want my dad back. I want to hear from my dad, I need to know that you still love me and forgive me for messing up. Please let me know how you feel. If you are mad at me then I can live with that, at least tell me, but please don't punish yourself for something I did."

I don't mean to write something teary, but it is ironic that in most things I write on prison, I always say that the person on the outside has to bring the strength to the communication, but some cases it is the other way around. In this case, the inmate has to do that.

But you stand in the middle, and it is vital that you keep the the channels open, for the sake of the dad and son. Don't give up on either of them.

Update on the Situation,

When I first wrote this last year my brother was not writing to his son. That has changed thankfully. I did speak to my brother honestly and let him know that his son was very upset that he did not write or come to see him. We also talked about his son being an adult and making his own decisions and that my brother could not hold himself responsible. It took awhile for this to get thru - he had to think about it as men usually do.

After thinking about it for awhile and several heart to heart conversations, my brother did begin writing to him and slowly my brother would write him a letter weekly. They started bridging the gap. My brother now has phone calls to and from his son also and I think it helps both of them.

My nephew put his dad on his visiting list also. Since my brother lives a distance away from the prison so one of his daughter-in-laws or his daughter goes with him - now about once a month.

It is difficult being in the middle because sometimes I just feel so torn. I can understand both of their points of view and sometimes it hurts - but they both needed to heal and that is what guided me.

Now I only hope that they both continue to heal.

CF

celticFerret,
As i read all this post I was sad by all this. I am so glad you did not give up on them. Too many people just say its not my problem. I always try to bridge that gap for my family. I also have a grandson who if he don't change will end up in prison for being on drugs. He is a very,very, angry young man of 19. His mom and dad were divorced when he was 2 and he has had a life time of put downs. There is no self esteem in him, no respect for either parent or stepdad. The Dad just sys--Run him off!! Yea easy too say when he wasn't even man enough to stand up and come see his sons when they were growing up! Him and my daughter were to full of hostile toward each other there was a emotional conflict everytime he came to pick them up. He has a great personality, is kind and loving, but the divorce issues has never healed. He don't feel wanted and needed. It has to start with his Dad and him trying to talk. But that want happen. He or his Dad can DO that right now. I want take sides too them, but will talk words of encourgement to him. His Dad never failed to pay child support--BUT that not all what children need. I told him-Gary you don't have to have money to TAKE them somewhere--just go to the RIVER AND LET THEM SKIP ROCKS, aT LEAST YOUR SPENDING time WITH THEM!! THAT ALL KIDS NEED IS PARENTS TIME.
Yes I see the big picture, for him and its not good. But I have been there thru out his life trying to be a guidelight for him and a stable home life as grandparents.
I am like one of the posters said here LilyBee i think--"I will NEVER give up on that son of mine"--Mine Grandson. I will try to guide them all in settling disputes sensible. PRAY FOR THEM PLEASE.
I admire you for your faith in them. God Bless you all.

Bobflipflops I certainly will keep your family members in prayer. I hope that your grandson can keep himself out of prison. God bless you for being there for him and providing him what you are able.

Actually one of my other nephews is in a pretty similar situation. He is messing with drugs and other dangerous stuff and he may well end up in jail. He has a 3 year old son we are very concerned about. His girlfriend who is a nurse got fired from her job because she stole from the med. closet for him - stupid move!

I will keep you in my prayers - please keep my other nephew (Jason) in yours. Thanks.

CF