I am sorry that I do not have the author's name to post with this article... I do believe that it has been posted somewhere before on PTO - but not sure that I did not get it through an email from someone...

In any event - I think it to be an excellent account and good things to think about when our loved one is coming home. Often we don't think of these things because we take so many of these things for granted ourselves...

I don't intend any copyright violation here by posting this and will certainly try to find the author name to post.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

COMING HOME

After years of waiting and counting down, it is almost time for the gates on the Iron House to open and your loved one to step through and come home. Your greatest dream and your worse nightmare are about to be realized...yes, it is your loved one and no, you don't know this person anymore. Is there hope that all can be healed and your loved one becomes once again the person you knew and loved? The answer is a resounding yes, but it will take honesty, patience and work by all.

The experts say that it only takes 18 months for a person to be institutionalized. After 20+ years working with First Nations persons locked up in Iron Houses, I would say that the experts are being
optimistic and that any amount of time locked up leaves wounds that must be healed and behaviors unlearned. You must understand the nature of the enemy - the Iron House - in order to understand the damage done to your loved one. The prison system, regardless of where located, systematically, intentionally and scientifically makes every effort to dehumanize a person in order to better control and "manage" the prison population.

Immediately upon entering the prison system, activities are undertaken to strip away a person's identity, decision-making capabilities, and self-esteem. Their names are taken away to be replaced with a number. Their sense of "Who I Am" is replaced with "What I Am." All opportunities to make a choice are removed. They are consistently told and retold what little worth they have to humanity. They are punished for showing any emotion, questioning any decision, or stepping outside of the accepted standard. Complete and utter compliance and conformity are demanded. Individualism is punished swiftly and severely. And it never changes. Colors are bland, meals are bland, activities are bland, and days and night fold into each other. Time slows and stops, as does growth and life for the inmate.

In order to survive such an environment, your loved must have been flexible enough to adapt and once adapted, it has become his/her life. It is life, alien and warped, but it is their life. And now comes the time for the inmate to come home, a world that has now become alien and unfamiliar and more importantly, terrifying. This is a time that will require more strength from the inmate than going into prison. But this time your loved one is not alone, you are there to help the healing
process and to encourage the growth. Your loved one has been deeply wounded, but can heal. Yes, there will always be scars, but one can live with scars as only distant reminders of bad times. So here are a few things to be aware of and several things you can do. You and your loved one are no longer helpless. Take your power back and use it!

TIPS AND HINTS:

First, recognize that he is coming from a place where he has had to be constantly alert and attentive, a place that is never quiet, a place he is never alone in peace, and that quiet is foreign to him. He will need periods of quiet time in short intervals. And he will not be comfortable with loud noises that he is not accustomed to, such as the babble of party noises, street noises and the like. He will be uncomfortable around a variety of colors, genders, children and animals. He will at first be uncomfortable moving from room to room, and will tend to stay in one room until it has become familiar. He will be uncomfortable going out the door ahead of anyone else. His eyes will always be shifting around and his heading turning, and he will probably wish to sit with his back to a wall. These are instinctual things he has learned and he won't even be conscious of it. The best cure is
simply time, to replace his instincts with new ones and to help him be aware of his actions, without trying to correct the actions. Pay attention to his comfort level and help make his new environment
comfortable, introducing new things slowly.

The worse damage done to your loved one is his ability to make decisions or choices was taken away. It has to be relearned. We unconsciously make hundreds of decisions a day. Your loved one is not allowed any and has forgotten how to make them. He was not even allowed to choose what
he would wear for the day, or if had the choice, it was extremely limited. Do not overwhelm him with choice.

The key to helping is staying supportive, but not smothering. He has to learn to make decisions and to choose in order to survive and grow in the new world, but he doesn't have to learn it overnight. Think in terms of small and slow steps. Let him set the pace, and be there for him if he demands too much of himself. He will want it all...the sensations he lost, the colors he lost, the sounds, the feels, the music. He can have it all, but in smaller doses. Wide-open spaces will scare him at first. Start with just watching a sunset to draw his attention up and out. A short walk in the neighborhood or light picnic in his own backyard. When you see he is comfortable, then expand to something a bit larger, a bit longer.

Don't ask him what he wants you to cook for dinner. Ask him if there's anything in particular that he would like, that he's been craving. Don't be surprised if some of his old favorites have changed and he no longer likes macaroni and cheese or turkey or meat loaf or pancakes. Those are prison staples and he is sick of them, even if your "home-cooked" was special. Again, give him small choices to make...do you want corn or green beans?

He will want to do those things that have been denied him all those years, social functions, entertainment, etc. Help him to realize the dream, but be cautious in how you do it. Do not take him to a movie the first weeks home. Dark, enclosed places, where he is surrounded by people will cause those flight/fight instincts to kick in. Rent a video instead. Do not take him to car races...try watching it on TV first to let him get accustomed to the noise. Do not take him to a restaurant
for a full meal...start by going into a smaller, comfortable, familiar place and order just dessert or a beverage. Menus are really intimidating and ordering dinner is overwhelming...soup or salad, what
kind of soup or what dressing on the salad, what kind of potato..mashed, baked, fried or rice, rolls or toast, what to drink with dinner.

Don't ever come up behind him quietly and put your arms around him for a quick hug, or tap on his shoulder. The flight/fight instinct will immediately kick in.

Make a little noise before entering a room he's in or call out to him. Encourage him to come into another room by inviting him in with you.

Do not take him shopping unless he asks to go. Under no circumstances, take him into a shopping mall the first few weeks home. Start out with small convenience stores or grocery stores. Don't ask him what he wants, ask him what brand of something he was using or liked. If you put him in front of a two dozen brands of toothpaste, he'll freeze. Watch him closely at shopping expeditions. If he begins to sweat or starts looking around more and more, pull him out of the store...he's on
overload.

Encourage his participation in household decisions by asking his opinion, but do not pressure him to make the decision. I know that you have longed to have the burden shared and it can be, but first he must learn to trust his decision-making skills and feel comfortable with airing his opinion. It's been a long time since he was asked and a long time since he was trusted.

Prepare for him coming home by having a new wardrobe ready for him, preferably colors he wasn't allowed to wear. But keep the wardrobe small, six or seven shirts at most. He won't be able to decide what to wear if he is overwhelmed with too much choice. Help him with the choice by mentioning that you particularly like a shirt or that he looks good in jeans, or you will be going someplace that tennis shoes might be comfortable. Don't tell him what to wear, but give hints or
encouragement that will help.

Even though out of prison, there is still a long string tying him to prison...fines owed, parole officers to check in with, boxes on forms that ask if he ever committed a felony. The reality is that he is
forever marked by being a prisoner and both you and he must accept that reality. Reduce the stress levels of the string by reducing the situation to an annoyance rather than an obstacle. Acknowledge that it is annoying, but then so is paying taxes, getting a driver's license, showing ID to cash a check. Reinforce the idea that it is simply a task to be done and has little importance in day-to-day life.

Help your loved one to redefine himself. He has lost "Who I Am," and must now start over and this time carrying a backpack full of shame, guilt, pain, anger and confusion. Don't remind him of who or what he used to be, but encourage him to look for what he wants to be. Let him
know there are no limits to what he can be.

Expect periods of silence from him when he has nothing to say. Expect periods when he won't shut up and you want to scream because you are tired of the prison stories. Expect evasions and direct lies because they have become a necessary part of his living system. Expect and understand where these things are coming from, but do not change your life to accommodate these things. When he is silent, respect his silence but do not retreat into it also. When he won't stop talking about prison, understand he is feeling particularly lost and redirect his thoughts to here and now. Call him on the lies and let him know there is no reason to lie. Remember, however, that he is used to instant and harsh punishment and will expect the same from you.

Human touch was one of the first things taken away from him. His only experience with human touch during his imprisonment has been in a negative way or fleeting moments during visits. He will crave touch and be repelled by it at the same time. Watch for his comfort level and adjust to it and help him to expand. Never touch him when he is unaware of your presence. Do not sacrifice yourself and your needs to accommodate him. It will only add to the burden of guilt he is feeling. Let him know that even though the transition is home is tough, you are working on it together, and that you expect him to be a partner in the work. Guide, do not nag. Make opportunities for him to be a partner, and then sit back and allow him to do it...even if you want to take it out of his hands and do
it yourself.

Be honest, be patient, be loving and most importantly, be human. Do not try to be perfect, do not try to be strong all the time. He needs to be needed. He needs to give love as well as receive it. He needs to know he is of value to you and the creation. He needs to relearn pride and faith. He needs to be judged on his actions now and the past become a whisper of memory.

Help him to find his spirituality. Help him to see the world beyond himself and his place in the world through his spirituality.

Be the living example by which he can learn. Show compassion, honor, trust, respect and fairness. These are qualities that he has not seen for a very long time and they cannot be described in words. By your example, show him the way home.


Final Thoughts:

Each situation, each human is different. But there is one truth for all. Your loved one has been wounded by the horror of being locked up. What must take place is a healing, not just for him but for you also. It will happen. It takes time, love and absolute faith, but it does happen. I urge you to be aware of what he has been through and where he has been, but not to allow your home to become a prison also. Help him to clean the prison out of him and replace that empty void with
home. Do not allow the prison to run your lives any longer by letting him and yourself stay imprisoned within your heart and minds. In order to be free, you both must feel free. Remind yourselves constantly that you are free!

I speak from the voice of experience. Not only have I supported First Nation Iron House Spiritual Circles, but I married a prisoner. After seven years in prison (six of which we shared together), my husband has home home. On December 25, 1998, we celebrated ten months of freedom.
During our celebration, we talked about the insanity of the first few months home, we talked of the love that had grown and strengthened through the years and the most exciting part was that we talked about the mundane, routine parts of life and made plans for the future....building a new fence next year, getting a puppy as a companion for our grown dog, rebuilding our lodge and renewing our wedding vows next Spring.

All that I had hoped for and wished for has come to be. My husband is truly home and we are stronger and more united for the experience. We truly value love, companionship, partnership and each other. We do not take for granted the small precious moments of life. The healing is well underway for us both. Keep your faith and your hope....it will be a good day, and a good life.

This is an insightful article. It will be used as a guide when my friend is granted parole and preparing to re-integrate back into society.

If I had read this prior to his first release, I would have been more understanding/patient and less demanding and not just understanding his frame of mind. Everything was said not to do, I tried to incorporate (over load) into his life style. I was the frustrations, but felt that he was just giving into the stigmas of being an ex-convict.

When I read it, all I could was ouch!

Thanks for sharing.

Thank you for sharing this. It's helped me greatly.

I think that the main thing that I got from this article was that there is soooooo much that we take for granted that these men and women are going to have to deal with that is not now a part of their daily lives... Now a lot of how someone reacts is going to depend on how long they have been incarcerated...

I talked at length with my Partner about this article... He agreed with it fully but said that it is not any one of these things in an isolated situation as much as all the things togehter...

His comments were like: "How will I react the first time a siren starts up?" "How will I react when a cat runs out from under a car when I walk by?" "How will I react when I smell car exhaust?" These men and women are very much in fight or flight mode as a necessity and so unexpected noises and actions can really throw them off...

Although he thought that the entire article was very good, he especially liked and agreed with the final comments...

Final Thoughts:

Each situation, each human is different. But there is one truth for all. Your loved one has been wounded by the horror of being locked up. What must take place is a healing, not just for him but for you also. It will happen. It takes time, love and absolute faith, but it does happen. I urge you to be aware of what he has been through and where he has been, but not to allow your home to become a prison also. Help him to clean the prison out of him and replace that empty void with
home. Do not allow the prison to run your lives any longer by letting him and yourself stay imprisoned within your heart and minds. In order to be free, you both must feel free. Remind yourselves constantly that you are free!

I believe I have read this somewwhere as well but, it is an excellent article and often when one reads something like this we say ... "yeah, okay, that makes sense" ... "I'll have to remember that" ... and then we unintentionally forget, so I think we can not read any of these type articles too many times ... it's all good ... thanks for posting

must add though, Teb ... you really gave me a start and a bigger disappointment ... when I first read the "title" I thought Ted was coming home ...
hugs,

Thank you, Teb,

You have helped me understand myself more, I want Linda to read this too. This will help with the little bumps and rocks in our partnership.

Hugs,

Patti

My ex came out of prison after almost 20 years of incarceration. After he reported to the parole office we stopped at a CVS pharmacy to pick up a few things he wanted to buy [with real money!!!]. We walked into the store and thru the security detectors. At the same time a man was walking out of the store using the other side of the detector screening mechanism. His departure caused [for whatever reason] the detector to sound. I was walking ahead of my ex in to the store--when the detector sounded I immediately turned back to him--he was ready to raise his hands in the air and "assume the position". I quickely grabbed his hand and assured him everything was ok. Needless to say I had to explain "security detectors" role in most stores today. That is only one in a gazillion stories I could share about re-assimilation...like going to the dollar store for the first time, or public bathrooms that use eletronic beams to flush the toilets. Even thou we are no longer together, today we can still look back on those first days/weeks and months and really chuckle.
I found that some things are better learned first hand -- there is no way to tell them about everything [impossible task] and one seems to anchor learning with lived experiences!

For some reason this line comes to mind...
luck....a matter of preparation meeting opportunity. So, with a little "luck" the reacclimation process will have a positive result [in the long run].

Very informative. mine called to tell me he was "allowed" to be part of a work crew that went outside. The first sound he heard was a police car and freaked him out. He has "only" been in 5 years, but come on.. He ran back to truck and slammed door. When i heard this, I laughed and cried and thought of Jesus. These are (some) of His children.. God came to give us life and give it abundanlty! 1 Cor. 13 says, "Love never fails, love keeps no record of wrong, it never boasts, it is kind......" boy oh boy.. Thanks for insight and reminding us that nothing is to be taken for granted.
"For this is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it."

I really enjoyed that. My husband comes home for his 8 hour furlows every Saturday and now I understand why he won't walk around inside of the house without his shoes on. He's been institutionalized for too long!
Tammy

Esther's Sister;

Thank you, oh, Thank you, I am so relieved to hear that I am not the only one that panics at the sound of a siren!

The first night I was home, the police came down our street - sirens blaring - Linda found me crying hysterically (her words - good description) in the only interior room (no windows) of our house - the bathroom - in our office! I still jump and have to look out to see where they are going!

Patti

I am still waiting for my guy to be released-he will be in for a total of about 2+years. But I served only a six month State Jail term and let me tell you--- It was a hard transition to make getting adjusted to the "free" again!!! And I still always wear my flip flops around the house!!!LOL!!! But---one thing I will NEVER do is wear white again!!!! I am sure that prison effects everyone different and on a different level. I will say that after numerous misdemeanor convictions and spending lots of time in my county jail-well---State Jail was like Hell compared to my county!!! I have been out for almost one whole year and have not relapsed---AT ALL!!!! It has been a tough road and I had to break ties with all my old contections but that is all good. I am clean,sober,healthy and most of all HAPPY!!!! Good luck to all with loved ones getting out soon!!! Just remember---PATIENCE,PATIENCE,PATIENCE---and SUPPORT!!!!
BLESSED BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my gosh! I wish I had known alot of that sooner! My Sweetheart had served a one year prison sentence before I knew him. He had already been out on parole for 8 months when I met him. Although he seemed quite adjusted, I could see some of the things you mentioned still in him. At times he was very outgoing, and at others he was quite withdrawn. He always said he had insomnia, but maybe it was prison. I think the hardest thing to help him work through was the job thing. When I met him he didn't have a job. I gave him one, I was a restaurant manager. He was quite discourage becuase of his felony conviction he could not advance into management himself, so he quit. He was unemployed for 2 more months. I helped him as much as i could to find a job. Funny thing was I only suggested a few places to work and he got the jobs at the three I suggested, anywhere he applied he bluntly got turned down. So in 6 months I have known him he's had 4 different jobs. I always wondered about the silence, and he always didn't seem what to do....he would always ask if there was anything he could do to help(around the house) and I now feel I was cold in saying "no, I got it". I think one of the hard things was that everytime he got a paycheck, he would want to blow it on things he wanted. That was hard because he kept putting his bank account in the negative. Really his posessions were quite limited and his clothes were not very nice. I bought him nice new clothes and some nice shirts and slacks, and its amazing how he could hide his insecurities while in those dress up clothes, maybe cause he felt like noone could tell he was an ex-inmate? But I think now after reading this article and after joining PTO, I have learned alot. I will save this article til he comes home so I can remind myself, but I think I will be more ready knowing how he will act. Even one year of prison obviously broke his spirit...and now I do not know how long he will go this time...........I hope not long..

_________________________
Missing my sweetheart 15 days, and counting......

Thanks for this article. It will be SO useful to me!

I know this thread was posted a while back but i just have to thank you for sharing that article. I am so greatful for all the posts and the tips. When "D" makes parole i will be sure to show as much patience, love, kindness and understanding.

That quote came from Storm Reyes, who is and has been a prison 'chaplain' for Native American circles in Washington State. I have written to her personally, and she is a wise woman indeed. She met and married her husband while he was still incarcerated, and is a very good 'success' story of their relationship. She knows what she's talking about. She is one of the few postive examples who took the time to write about her and her husband's experience. She is a special and gifted woman. God Bless you all..

Marsha

Great Article ! I Have Made Some Copies, Hopefully They Will Be Read, By Family That He Will Be Living With Upon Release. Thanks

that was a wonderful article. It will help me when my man gets out in july. god i cant wait i wish it would hurry and come. I have so many fears as most of you do. But i'll keep the article in mind god bless you all.

Thanx for sharing

This article was so good and so sad...I am still crying thinking about all these things...My husband will be home in Thirty days and even though part of me thinks this is almost over, it is really just our beginning...Joy

This is an excellent article. Thanks for posting it. Funny, I saw this a couple of years ago and remembered dreaming about the day Paul would be home, and now it's here, and this article is to ON POINT!!!

My husband got his first shopping pass on Saturday. It was lovely out and we walked from store to store just browsing and being together. He was fine as long as we were just walking arm in arm. But.....when we went into a store, if I separated from him, I soon found him in the aisle with a bedfuddled look on his face. He cannot handle too many choices at once.
One trick which works for us is - when we go into a restaurant, and the waiter brings us the menu, we refuse to take it. We tell the waiter to bring us whatever he/she thinks is the best he/she has. Menus are just too hard...too many choices. That way, Paul does not have to make a choice, and we wind up getting GREAT meals as the chef likes to show off their specialty!

This article was so good and so sad...I am still crying thinking about all these things...My husband will be home in Thirty days and even though part of me thinks this is almost over, it is really just our beginning...Joy

This is a excellent article, and I may add, that even tho Eric is in for a violation, for
4 months, it is a reminder to him and me as well, that the adjustment stage sometimes
takes one months or even years. When Eric comes home in 2 days and a wake up I will
do exactly the same things I did when he came home after 8 years in September 02.
Giving him ton's of emotional support, hugs and reassurance that everything takes time, but it will work out. You can't smother them, but you can show them that the
human being that they are and you are is a awesome way of life. Affection is a huge
thing for a new released inmate to except. They are in a cold and heartless enviroment
and everything is one step at a time, one day at a time......

I know I have no real proof yet and I am sure a lot of this is true, but my husband is very affectionate now, very loving, and he does not flinch or jump when I touch him or when he hears things...when we had our trailor visits, I did notice some things like him eating very fast and too much, that was the first time, by the third one he was ok and ate normaly...he has been incarcerated for 14.5 years in April....he seems to make choices with his menus of what we will eat and what he likes...but when we were at a loud festival he did seem uneasy and his eyes shifted a lot...when we are on visits he looks around a lot...so I dont know, how true is this or how much for some and not for others and does time matter if they are all institutionalized in such a short time? how shocked and lost will he be out here after going in a child and coming home a man? I have faith in him but certain moments it scares me...ya know?

I think the article should be required reading!!

This was great to read My other half comes home in 4 months after 11 years in prison I remember when this all began I cant belive this is almost over I am so excited an yet scared at the same time I do know this all I want to do is love him and be there for him.. The thing that scares me is that he is very self sufficent and thinks he has it all under control I just want to tell him that It is ok not to always be ok,,,
4 months and it all over PRAISE GOD

I am just now seeing this thread. thanks for sharing

Thank you so much for posting this. I have tried to find sites that will help me in understand what his needs will be. I would really like to hear Storm's experience in their lives. I'm really speachless at this time. Again, thanks for posting this.

great info!!

I also have been looking for anything that would help me understand what it will be like when Brad comes ome and I did buy that book "When prisoners come home" but I thought it was completly unable to relate to the situation we are in. It was more designed for the business way of thinking I guess, bummer cause it cost about $20.00!

Great article, I printed it out and I;m going to send it to Brad. I did that with something else that had listed what to expect and he sent it back to me with some of it checked off so I would know what he was thinking would be on his mind when he comes home.

I recently did a college term paper "Psychological Effects of Incarceration" and cited this article. I got a A+ with a side note "Excellet paper and a Facinating Read!!!!"

Thank you.

That is a great article. My father will be home Monday June 28th and it is Wensday June 23rd so we have about five days. The person in my family it will be hard to explain to is my 82 year old grandmother. The worst part about the situation is my father will be living alone with her. But I think I will print this article out and she hopefully better understand how he will be reacting towards things considering he has been locked up for 10 1/2 years. Thank you again for sharing this article with us all.
Jennifer

Beautiful article and so true! Thanks.

my hubby comes home in 41 days im so happy, ill be glad when we can cuddle together forever, i love him so much.

my b/f will be home in about 6 months...been in for 7 months...hopefully he will be in work release by september and i really hope that will help him a little, but i am definately going to pass this onto his wife. i am sure it will for sure be awkward for him to be around his 2 sons after not seeing them for over 8 months...thank you!

check out this thread too! not only for NEW YORK!

http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?p=690941#post690941

Peace... I, too, have read the story, Coming Home, by Storm Reyes. Read it in the book, How To Love and Inspire Your Man After Prison, by Michael B. Jackson. In my view Ms. Reyes statement was the only part of the book that addressed the subject. I think it's powerful, informative and and speaks to the spirit of "Coming Home." Will continue to look for her work as well as that which comes out on PTO. Blessings...

I thought the quote was very heart breaking . My son has a while to go nad it breaks my heart to think of him being treated that way. I know prison is suppose to "make them pay" but it does alot more than that . My son got 16 years for $94, what a loss. He has a good heart and a weak mind. So keep us in your prayers.

awwwwww. i will pray for you and him.

This artical is wonderful.Where ever you got this from more is needed I love everthing about it I must say this is my biggest fear. His behavior and the things he will like and dislike.I am still scared yet this has help me in many ways if you only knew.The biggest thing I have to learn is to take my time I must say according to this artical everything I wanted to do was a no-no like take him shopping or going out to eat.what about asking him what like to eat. Maybe it's me but Hell I am gonna be so happy my baby is home I wont relize the the fact that I will be moving to fast. Now there are a few things I have to think over and I must say thanks to you it's a good thing Im thinking them over. :thumbsup:

thanks so much for this amazing article!!

I have a long way to go before Roger comes home, but that article has given me more information than I could have ever found on my own.

Just to think that ordering off a menu would be an overload is mind boggling. I need to find a lot of books just like this article.

Thank you for posting this.. I learned a lot today.

my hunny is in work release and he asked me to bring him three different kids of cigarettes.... not jus three BRANDS.... but he wanted the kind I smoke, camels, and Newports.

Also we had a short social on saturday night and on the way back he said he wanted me to stop cause he wanted a bacon burger and fries and a drink. as we drove down the street i saw five signs....so i said "burger king? Wendys? jack in the box? theres a a mickey D's baby.... or how bout taco bell??????" he was silent!

I looked over at him and said.... BABY?

he said "why did you do that?" and it hit me....too many choices.

i said ok! Jack in the box!!!!

so we pull in and get to the menu i order two junior bacon cheeseburgers for him with fries and a strawberry shake and he says.....you remembered! and i look at him and say... of course baby. Thats a choice i know not to give you.

We laughed cause we had both read this article but it was strange having it hit us for real.

it is sooo true.... so very true.

GB

i have tried to find these words in describing how it is to come home after being incarcerated and they never seem to come out this way thanks for the articule. Everything said is so true. If you have ever been locked up you know this is what you felt and trying to explain it to someone is the hardest thing to do. The sound the smells everything is different no matter how long your lockedup. The talking is probably the hardest thing to get over i only had prison stories to tell i left many friends in side that had become close to me and talking and telling stories about them was all i had and no one wanted to listen they all said forget it and get on with the living now. I wish i had of had this to hand to many people so they could have understood there is nothing harder than walking out of that gate alone when you enter you are with a crowd when you leave your all alone and scared to death to move cause you know every move you make someone is watching still all the parole limits you have all the no's when your job hunting everything is hard and you wonder why they call it freedom some give up and go back because of this. But hopefully with this at your hands you will all be able to help your loved one become a part of your family and the free world again without putting any more restrictions on them than they already feel. Listening is the most important thing i think and you will get tired of the prison stories but remember this is what we have lived and so be paitent and it will all work out. good luck to you all you've gone through alot yourself just by waiting but you will be repaid for your love oneday hold on and never give up.

I just read coming home. that is just what i needed.. i didnt know what to expect, my son is coming home january 31... im so excited and worried.......... thank you, thank you.:) lorie

I read this article and it just hit me, these are the everyday behaviors of my autistic son. I can't take him in stores or the mall, never through a drive thru with a menu to choose from, his clothes have to be soft or silky and all the same, no loud noises, no surprises, no touching unless you ask, social situations are debilitating......He can't make decisions or choices.

It makes one think: does the prison system try to make them like this or is my son in a prison of his own? My brain is going ninty to nothing right now processing this. I will be in a good position to deal with Jason. I have been doing it all my life.

All of that is GREAT advice! I'd say this one is the biggest one I have tried to do since he came home and it really is an important one I think "The key to helping is staying supportive, but not smothering"

Thanks so much for sharing, I needed that insight.I will have plenty of time to re-read it before he comes hom.Se sounds right on th ball with things.I'd like to get that book.God Bless

I just read this again, after a year ago, and I have changed my original views on this...when I first posted this, we had not yet begun to feel what it may be like for him coming home, we have recently - started to feel reality creep up on us and this has helped me to read this again today. PATIENCE, Lord give me patience!

With a son coming home soon, Thanks. This makes me cry. Start to understand and see what I/we should know and do. It seems so logical but thanks for pointing these things out.

i have 30 days left. thanks for the advice

This is right on target. I have visited 3 different pals at 3 different prisons and I've observed this conditioned behavior. Last visit wee spent most of the day outside, and he always faced toward the center of the yard. I've seen them sit so as to face the center of the room. They are always fascinated by the visitors' clothing - the colors, patterns, etc.

My son was to go before the parole board in about a week but he recieved word that doesn't have to now, they granted him his parole with a score of 11+. He will find out in a few days when the doors will open for him. He's been in for about 425 days. I am so scared for him or maybe I should say for me. He's been clean from drugs for almost a year.Well it will be a year on his ealy release date. He is in two drug classes in prison so I will just pray that those classes will help him to see how to walk away. If they don't help I know my Lord will. He has a lot of prayer going out for him.
God bless
Granny

Wow that is a great article, that will help me/us alot thanks.

Thank you sooo much for posting this. I have printed it out, and put it up on my bedroom wall. I will refer to this as the days go by, and we get closer to homecoming. With 88 days to go, all I have been thinking about is what he "better" do, and not do. I am hurt, and angry, and simply not willing to do this again. So, I have been telling myself that I will be strong, and firm with him. Not stopping to think that being insensitive to his transition could be devasting to our marriage, and him as a human being. This article has definitely impacted me, it brought me tears,reminding me that despite his tough macho attitude, he is hurting from this too.
-Renee

Thank you so much for your time in giving us this guide. I've been trying to read other threads that would provide me hints on what to do or not to do. I believe this says it all. I've also found a couple mistakes I've been making already. Our type of situation does not come with instructions. I haven't seen a book written yet called Inmate Release for Dummies. Again, thanks.

I wonder who the author is and how they are doing...

I wish I had read this article last week! I've already started putting pressure on him and didn't realize what I was doing.
Jimmy will be home (with good behavior) in March 2006. We have just started making plans for his home coming :). He told me to make sure I had 25 and 40 lb dumb bells for him when he got home so he could continue his weight training. Being of an "outside" mind I asked him what clothes I could get for him. He went on and on about how he didn't know his size, his body frame had changed ... just on and on. I pushed it with, what I thought was, an "easy" question. "What kind of underwear do you want? Boxers or briefs .. or thongs?" The confusion that came from him was astounding .... he just didn't know.
So, to those of you that have been there ... what should we do? There are some questions, some decisions that need to be made right away. Simple questions like what kind of undies does he want. Do I get 3 pair of boxers and 3 briefs? But then he has to decide which to wear. Do I wait till he gets home, but then he will have to go to the mall. Do I make the decision (which reinforces the prison mentality), do we make it together or do I force him into a corner? The large things (like corn or green beans :) ) seem easy compared to very simple decisions.
Any insight would be helpful.

I so thank you for this article. My Sweetie is almost home after 4 years and 4 months down. I really appreciate the insight.

I have read this article before in the book "How to Love and Inspire Your Man After Prison" by Michael B. Jackson, but I have to say that it still makes a huge impact every time I read it. I can't even count how many times I've re-read it. I am just so afraid of making a mistake and overwhelming him once my man released!

This article made me realize alot and helped out ..thanks for posting it!!!

slashly, how was that book "how to love and inspire your man..."?

I am so glad that I read this post.

My man still has 3 years before he can come home, but I already think of things like this, and I hope that I can be as much help as I can to help his transition.

I am going to print this out and send it to him. I think he'd like it too.

Thanks again.

Mrs G, it was pretty good. It's written my an ex prisoner. It's filled with questions about various scenarios involving prisoners and how we should handle the situations. This testimony my Mrs. Reyes was my favorite part of the book, though. You can find the authors to a lot of questions on his website, www.jointfx.com (http://www.jointfx.com) My other favorite part of the book was the overview that speaks of the "prisonwife" (which includes wives, mothers, girlfriends, sisters, and any other woman that loves a man in prison). The overview states, "she suffers in her own private prison while her only apparent crime is that seh loves a man who is caught up in the criminal justice system. Never has there been a more under-appreciated, under-supported and generally misunderstood group of women. But, don't feel sorry for her. She's successful, strong, educated, intelligent, and law-abiding. She's in control of her world and she's able to take care of herself." I think thatstatement says it all. I hold my head high to be classified as a "prisonwife".

i just read this for the first time today. my husband is coming home in 12 days. he has only had to do 120 days but i can tell just by talking to him and his letters that he has changed and these things are things we will have to work on together. i am so glad i saw this before he came home i think it will really help me!!!
kris

I also agree that this should be required reading. I am glad I found it before now, before he comes home. I will really take this into account and plan accordingly for his release (May 26th 2006 - hopefully!).

Also, I love the post from Ash (two before this one) regarding -prisonwives-. So true and very powerful! :thumbsup:

Great article! Thanks!

I've got a pen pal in MSP who's getting out next summer. He's been inside for nearly 15 years. I think his family has dumped him. He's gonna need help and support when he gets out that I won't be able to give him. I live thousands of miles away. Can anybody refer me to post-release resources in MS? I'd really appreciate it.

WaldoP

This was a very informative article. I will definately use the advice when he comes home. :)

Thanks

This article brought tears to my eyes. I am having trouble controlling them now. My Son is coming home in 3 weeks, after being in prison 2 years, county jail for 1 year and only out a month in between. These tips in your post are things I never thought of or considered. It is very sad. Reading this I will do my best to share it with those who will be around him so they too can understand and try to be helpful to him if needed.

Thank you for posting this, it will help me alot!!

Thank You so much for that artical. I learned a lot from it and will put forward what I learned from it for when my baby comes home in a few months. I knew things would be different but I wasn't sure how different they would be. But now I have a better idea and I can care for his needs better knowing what I know now Thank You.

I am sorry that I do not have the author's name to post with this article... I do believe that it has been posted somewhere before on PTO - but not sure that I did not get it through an email from someone...


Storm Reyes is a prolific writer. The most recent article of hers I saw was here http://www.thenewstribune.com/opinion/othervoices/story/5459877p-4927331c.html and in case nobody has posted it the first time I the article you quoted she had posted it as "CAGED: WHEN THE DOOR OPENS: Coming Home" here http://ishgooda.org/caged/cageopen.htm

She posted her email address with the article for feedback. If it hasn't been done somebody should drop her a note and let her know how appreciated her work is on PTO.

I am so glad you posted this for all of us that helps us look forward to the day my son comes home, and now we will know what we have to work with. Thank you. This has been very helpful to me and my son. I mailed my son a copy. I love sending him things I learn on PTO. This allows him to see past the days and the years to come so that he will continue to look forward to coming home. Jeannie

Oh thank you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I needed to hear all of this I had no idea of what I was going to be asking of my husband and the danger (not that he would hit me intentionally but you know accidents happen)I could have put myself in by holding him without him knowing I was there or by coming in the room thanks again for the info. Think I'll cancel the party now

Thank you!!!! Thank you!!!!! Thank you!!!!! I know its been some years since this article was posted but here it is 2006 and its still helping many people. There are so many things in here that will help me so much my fiancé comes home in 31 days and i have had so many mixed feelings. Worried about the adjustment period. He says to me all the time things are going to be OK but in the worst of situations he says that. I've been on this ride with him since may 2005 and i can see the change in him. Thank you again for this. I rated this a 5 but if the scale went to 100 it wouldn't be enough.



:D 31 days till my love is by my side:D

thank you for including me in this. -Arilita

Thank you this was very helpful!!!!

Thanks so much for this info!

A wonderful article and was much need in my life right now!! Thanks for giving me a better understanding and encouragement

I know that the post is old but it still helps us today. I did receive a similar article from a prisoner advocacy group. This helped my family better understand my sons "attitude" in life. His first request was to have a place to stay with privacy. Now you have to remember that I am the Mom and a request, more like demand, took me back a little. Our household, when my son comes home, will have 2 parents, four children (including my son, he is 18 now), 2 hamsters, 2 birds, a dog, a fish, and a lizard......hum privacy huh? So my husband has taken on the job of remodeling the back room where he can have privacy but is also close to the living room, kitchen, and bathroom. This will be a big adjustment for all of us but we will be blessed by his return. Thank you for the reminder article it will help us all reconnect as a family.

thanks so mush for the posting i am shairing it with my family so they will be ready when their dad comes home. he's been in for almost 5 years. hopefully getting out in dec 2006

I understand how all you guys felt. When my cousin got out, he was scared of police cars. Found him hidding under a Ford truck. I asked him what was the matter? He replyed by saying "I hate police cars!" I got him up. Then when we went to McDonalds, he said "I didn't know McDonalds have chicken nuggets? And what is a McFlurry?" I relized that he was never around when these things came out. I laughed so hard that I brought them for him. He ate it, stating it didn't taste good to him. And when my baby was out the first time I toke him to a movie. The last movie he had saw was Friday. I giggled and toke him to any movie he wanted. He was so loud I didn't understand why? We almost got kicked out of the movies. I also relized in Jail they can watch tv, and there are always around people while watching them. SO, he was load because use the the quiteness of people...I could go on and on...but this is very helpful. When my baby gets out agian I know how to work with him on these issues instead of being a little scared of his reactions.

I think this is funny. My husband had wrote in his letters numerous times about being nervous about coming home.. He said, He didn't know how to act. I told him that we would deal with it together.... One day at a time... Now, I know what to expect.... THANKS

that was an amzingly insightful article. we still have 10 years until my bf is "released" so i hope i can remember these things that long or that yall will keep it posted here that long!:p i LOVE this site especially because of the kind of extremely helpful posts like this article. keep up the amazing work PTO!:thumbsup:

Yes this article was posted a couple of years ago! As long as new members are joining some of the older articles need to be continually re-freshed for all of us newbies!

I had written a letter to my friend after receiving a letter yesterday where she admitted her fears of being released after 16 years - can you imagine going in as a teenager and coming out in your thirties?????:eek:

She even mentioned in her letter how she knows she'll act like a teenager in areas of her life!

What really surprised me was just how fast an inmate loses their ability to release without too many issues/fears/concerns with re-entry....

Well, good stuff and I'm glad I stumbled across what many have said is a must read!

I did send the article to my friend, hope it doesn't scare her! I mentioned how we could work on her coming up to speed and provided several stories I read in the post - again great stuff shared by the members here.

just me

Yes, this really hits home just how much we take for granted and how much our inmates have to endure. Thank you for sharing this article. I found it very humbling

You know my husband has been out for two years now after being in for 14. He has this absolute PHOBIA about the police. I found it really annoying and finally said 'you know if you don't do anything wrong the police aren't going to bother you!' I did not understand where he was coming from at all. He even went as far as to sit by the police station in his car and watch the officers come and go, he has all of their faces memorized and knows what kind of car each drives! (We live in a small town) He continually thinks the police are watching him even when I am sure they are not. I don't know why I didnt' 'get it' at first until suddenly one day it just dawned on me what was going on. I have to remind myself all of the time that he has been locked up for 14 years and has issues, the police being one of them. Cause in there it's like that for them I guess. When I realized what he was going through and why I told him I had to apologize to him for not understanding what he was going through. It's like they have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder when they come out, it really is and I think my husband does. I looked it up and he has all the symptoms.

Also my husband did not know what a CD or a CD player was. He was content to listen to his tapes in his tape player. He is finally catching on to CDs after two years of being out. My husband got locked up when he was 24 and in many ways he has remained that age. I find myself continually telling him to stop acting like a 20 year old and then I realized he had gotten stuck at that age in there. My husband has stayed out for two years now and considering the odds of that after being locked up for 14 years, I think he is doing really well. He has a full time job, another miracle, and though he has struggled alot and it has been really hard for him (not to mention me), he is hanging in there. And so am I.:)

I just re-read that article, it was a good reminder for me. One of the most striking things for me and most difficult for me to deal with is my husband's complete lack of the ability to show affection or emotion other than anger. The weird thing is the only exception to that is when we are in bed and then he hugs me all night long like I am his teddy bear or his pillow or something! He is a totally different person then! Otherwise, he does not sit by me and snuggle on the couch, he sits across the room in a chair when we watch TV! He does not hold hands with me or put his arm around me, I constantly comment on his lack of showing me any affection. This is difficult for me to live with. Also he is amazingly adept at concealing his feelings. For example when he first got out we went to Mexico for our honeymoon. Where we were there were alot of women who went topless on the beach, all day long. I was sure my husband would be salivating like a dog when he saw all that but he didn't even seem to notice them. I was puzzled until I came across a post card he had written to one of his homeys who was still locked up. He said he was having a great time and 'you wouldn't believe the women down here, they are gorgeous and they all run around topless!' So he had most definitely been noticing but didn't let it show whatsoever! LOL! Also touch is something he doesn't do. I am a touchy-feely person so I miss him just coming up and putting his hand on my shoulder, or hugging me, or putting his arm around me, but he just doesn't do it. Then I have to remind myself that when I used to go to his parole hearings we weren't even allowed to sit NEXT to each other there, let alone touch each other. Because I had been restricted and had lost my visits forever so I was allowed to see him at the parole hearing but not sit next to him. And I was his friggin WIFE for God's sake! As a result I did not see him other than that for nearly two years! You know prison really is a living hell. Yes and like the article says, my husband is extemely evasive and lies alot. He cannot even answer a question like 'well what did you do today?' without him thinking I am quizzing him as he says. I try to explain to him that out in the world that is how people talk to each other, they show interest in what the other person is doing or involved in, but to him he feels if I want him to know something I will tell him and vice versa. We should never be asking each other questions. Oh and the big thing is that if I am even stating a preference about something he feels that I am telling him what to do and he instantly rebels. He is way overboard and over reacting on that one. It got so I just didn't say anything to him about anything, I just let him have the control of calling me when he wanted to or whatever, I just waited to let him do things on his own terms cause otherwise he just rebelled. Still even after 2 years if I call and ask him where he is or what he's doing he will just say 'at a friend's house'; at first I would get furious with him and say 'well does the friend have a NAME?' But he would not want to give it to me til later, when he wanted to he would bring it up and tell me what he did and with who. But never when I asked him, he would just get mad and accuse me of 'quizzing' him. Well I guess I have needed to get this stuff off of my chest for awhile!

thank You For Sharing This,it Is Very Helpful In Understanding The Adjustment Our Loved Ones Will Go Through And Us For That Matter

My son was only in prison for ten months, but he came home very, very different. The first day he was out someone asked for his number (meaning phone) he gave his DOC number...the lady looked at him like he was crazy. He had a lot of anger and got mad really easily...and he would eat so fast, just shoveling the food in and i had to remind him a lot that he could slow down. He had such a hard time with choices...he'd stand in front of the refrigerator and go back and forth between it and the pantry over and over again, trying to decide what to eat. He changed his clothes a lot, because he couldn't decide what to wear and because he was so happy to have real clothes, again. Probably the biggest change was that he broke up with his girlfriend of 4 years, after only being home three weeks. Up to the point he got out, he was talking about marrying her. Again, i think it's an issue of choices and decisions...he couldn't decide to commit completely to her...so he broke up with her. I've learned to give him space and time...and just TALK about all of these issues. And this is after being in for less than a year.

I wanted to share this from "Your Best Life Now" by Joel Osteen...

There is no such thing as the wrong side of the tracks with our God. God is not limited by your family tree. He is not limiting by your education, your social standing, economic status or your race.

The Bible says, "We should cast down every wrong imagination." This simply means don't dwell on a negative thought. Get rid of it immediately. CHOOSE to think of something POSITIVE.

If you make the mistake of dwelling on something negative, you allow the negative seed to take root. The more you think about the negative, the more it grows and grows and grows. You will set limits that in your life that will be nearly impossible to rise above.

CAST DOWN THOSE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS and start believing that GOD wants the best for you!

If you walk in integrity and put your trust in GOD - God will make your life significant. God longs to make something great out of your life. He'll take a nobody and shape that person into a somebody. You must start thinking of yourself as the champion that GOD made you to be.

Remember. There is no such thing as the wrong side of the tracks with our GOD!

God Bless & Speed to All

Thanks for sharing this with us, Ill have to copy it for my friends family and send in a special prayer above that all works out when he come home.

my boyfriend comes home in 41 days. december 15th i cant wait. after 6 years of being lonely and endless nights of crying it will all be over soon.

this has been quite helpfull, thanks. my man gets out in 10 days after 120day sentence, he had only been out 4 months from his previous sentence. we've been talking about what to do the first weekend when i pick him up. he has so many ideas and wants to go so many places and do so many things its just unrealistic. it didnt really occur to me why he was being like that and we got in a disagreement. then i though, oh well since he cant do anything he just wants to do everything. but this article really opened my eyes.
i had already realized that i was going to have to take controll of the situation and make every decision but this article help me realize why and now i wont get angry about anything.

I am so glad that this article was here. I was so nervous on the phone with him when he was silent. I thought " hes got someone else", " he does not want me" but now since reading this am feeling a little bit more ok with the silence.

What a great article this is. My husband comes home in 148 days and I never even thought about most of this. I just assumed he would be ok. He sound ok on the phone and in his letters but now I know that it won;t be that easy. I did wonder if he would be different. Now I know.

Wow, that was something... thanks

my man is coming home in a few months and things are going to be a little hard between us... i would out of town every 2 weeks for 2 weeks and i am scared to leave him home alone...

Thanks for the information! My son will come home after a three and a half year stay. He is in the Brig @ lejeune and has not even been alowed to use the bathroom without permission and is quite worried about coming home. He said he wants no one to know his release date, he just want's to CHILL. Any advice would be helpful.
Thanks,

On Jan 16th My fiance was released and when I seen him walk out those doors I felt a sigh of releif it was so great to see him so happy and so thrilled... when we got home we had all of his friends their waiting so it was great.. we went and got his hair done ( kinda a girl when it comes to his hair) and went and got him some new clothes and got real food!! It was great to have him back in my arms. we watched movies and cuddled all night! and we are still doin GREAT!!! I hope everyone's loved ones are home soon:) That PTO you helped me make it through the last 2.5 years without him!!!

i shared Ms. Reyes' essay with my fiance, and asked for his thoughts. i had no idea it would have the impact on him that it did. (he did 7 years, originally, and was on parole when we met.) apparently it hit close enough to home that it made him feel a little "strange" for a minute, feeling as tho by MY reading it i could "see the inside of (him), where no one else has seen." he also said that "..what got me the most is reading in ink how we are treated. i know, but i've never seen it written like this before..."

he has shared it with his cubies (he warns them first that it's "deep") and they all want copies to send to their family members. they feel that it will be helpful if their loved ones know what they will be going thru.

this time, when he gets out i will be there, prepared to help make the transition easier. he didn't have that the first time. i'm so glad i got to read it, and i'll be sending him copies to pass around! :thumbsup:

This article made me cry! My man was only gone for a little over 6 months (6 months that felt like forever). But this wasn't his first time incarcerated, it was however, his first time in prison. Before he was arrested he was incredibly physical. He would give me hour long massages and we would always be touching somehow. He said he enjoyed the simplest touch and loved to touch me in any way. While he was incarcerated he wrote every day. He talked about how much he wanted to hold me and massage me and how he wanted to take care of me andbe there for me. He's been home for over 2 months. He hasn't once massaged me. Our intimacy isn't the same and I'm an emotional mess. I do believe he loves me but I think something changed for him. I think that somewhere inside he believes I was unfaithful (which I wasn't). Maybe that's why he doesn't touch me the same. Or maybe what the article said is true. I don't know. I'm just an emotional mess who cries all of the time now and I could really use some support. Has anyone else gone through this? Will it get better?

it probably depends on the individual, tamitha, but i'm sure it will get better for you, especially since you now have some insight as to what he's going thru.
when i started going out with my guy he had only been out on parole for a few months. i found him to be kind and very affectionate. however, even a year later he was still ill at ease in malls and other crowded places, and felt compelled to look around him constantly.
he told me that when he was first released he felt "alien," as tho he didn't really "belong," out here, but little by little he became much more comfortable. hopefully the same will be true for your guy.
i wish you the best!

Thanks for the support. I know that even before he was locked up he never really had a home. I don't think that he believes he deserves to be happy. I don't know it's really confusing. He wrote me right before he came home and told me to listen to the song "Hate me" by Blue October. I know he thinks he doesn't deserve me but I hope he grows out of that too. His whole life since he was a kid has been in group homes and jail and living on the streets and such. I just hope he can do this normal life thing that I've always taken for granted.

Please understand that when those doors open and we walk out, we are a changed person. I have been out for 7 years after a 17 month incarceration. And I am still lost. Can't seem to find my place. My prison experience took me...from me. I am doing ok but it is still hard to this day. I thank God, everyday, for my family. Pray for us all! Those in, those out, those who wait and those who waited. The road is long and hard.

i want to say my husband gets out in 114 days and i am nervous as hell. but i know we will be okay. all i know is i don't care where he has been or even the past of what he did to get to this point , i love him right now. at this very moment i love him really love him. the love we share is enuff for me to carry on until he can be here to enjoy life w/ me once agian. i long to be able to once agian see life thru his eyes and enjoy doing it. thanx for this post. it made alot of sense to me and gave me some good pointers too. just wish me good luck. :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :yay: :yay: :yay:

:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :yay: :yay: :yay: my hubby is comming home in 114 days and i am nervous as hell. because just like him i had to adjust to what life was w/out him there. i guess excited would be an understatement. i long to see life thru his eyes and enjoy doing so. i don't care where he has been or what got him to this point , all i do know is i love him really love right now . :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :thumbsup:

i wish you the best of luck!

Hello,

I was so very touched after reading your article with the tips/hints for inmates coming home, that it all honesty all I can say is a resounding....thank you. Just those few words in print are going to make the difference in how I will help my son to adjust when he returns home. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for posting it.

Happy Easter!

A Mother's Love :)

thankyou for sharing. it has helped me out as what to expect upon release. which will be june 2007. :yay:

I just copied this to print and send. Now that we finally might have a hope.

ty for the article , it will bring so much helpfullness into my house now that my boyfriend is coming home withing a week in a half :)
God Bless!

I am so glad that this was sent to me from a friend of mine! I think that this is an eye opener and that this is what can make or break one of our loved ones! I am glad that I have had the chance to read this before his release so that I can focus on this and fall back on it when I have questions or don't know which way to go. This is better than any of the material stuff I have been planning to have ready when he returns home!!

I really enjoyed this article. Another resource for re-entry information is a book by ned rollo called "99days and a get up" It is the book that used to be used in pre-release class in california prisons. My ex-husband used to refer to himself as doing "life" on the installment plan. You know, the revolving door type. In 1999 he took pre-release when he was in on a violation. He came home with the 99days and a get up book and could not stop talking about how much it helped him. He has not been back since. I bought one for someone else once, I just did a google search.

I really appriciate this article. It is always amazing that these issues touch inmates across the map. It is also amazing to me how we learn to adapt for these things with out even realizing it. I am still aware of my "place" at the table in a restraunt. My ex husband always needed to sit on the "outside" in a bench seat, with his back the direction so he could see as much of the room possible. These are little things you learn as a prisoners/ex prisoners wife that become part of your daily life/habits.

thank you again for posting the article that puts in to words what so many of us go through. Its nice to know we are not alone in this.

:) i know this is an old thread but it's quite eye opening.my honey comes home in 54 days. he's been in and out most of his adult life but nothing like this last go around. 2 years and hopefully home for good. We were only friends before he went in and now are planning on an Oct wedding. Here I am wanting everything to be just perfect for him. What I wasn't realizing is that all of my "perfections" may totally stress him out. His sister and I are best friends and we planned a winter bbq for the weekend he comes home. But he's already said that's fine for just us and the kids but he wants no "party". At first I couldn't understand why he wouldn't want more people around....now i get it...:slap:
thank you for this insight. This whole experience is new to me...any info helps...

I know this post is old, but thank you so much to all who have contributed to this wisdom. My ex-husband got out yesterday. Our daughter is so eager to see him (that will happen later - we've been divorced several years). He vommited at the sight of a banana as he has not seen fruit for years. How I wish I'd logged on to see this post sooner. The shock of coming back out into a world of spacial and personal freedom is obvious and sad.

Thanks again so much. I love this thread.

I am happy to read this he will be home shortly and its like sometimes I have found myself distant. I will say you are not the man I knew before you left as I am not that woman. But in reading that it makes clearer sense. Thanks PTO

I am sorry that I do not have the author's name to post with this article... I do believe that it has been posted somewhere before on PTO - but not sure that I did not get it through an email from someone...

In any event - I think it to be an excellent account and good things to think about when our loved one is coming home. Often we don't think of these things because we take so many of these things for granted ourselves...

I don't intend any copyright violation here by posting this and will certainly try to find the author name to post.

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COMING HOME

After years of waiting and counting down, it is almost time for the gates on the Iron House to open and your loved one to step through and come home. Your greatest dream and your worse nightmare are about to be realized...yes, it is your loved one and no, you don't know this person anymore. Is there hope that all can be healed and your loved one becomes once again the person you knew and loved? The answer is a resounding yes, but it will take honesty, patience and work by all.

The experts say that it only takes 18 months for a person to be institutionalized. After 20+ years working with First Nations persons locked up in Iron Houses, I would say that the experts are being
optimistic and that any amount of time locked up leaves wounds that must be healed and behaviors unlearned. You must understand the nature of the enemy - the Iron House - in order to understand the damage done to your loved one. The prison system, regardless of where located, systematically, intentionally and scientifically makes every effort to dehumanize a person in order to better control and "manage" the prison population.

Immediately upon entering the prison system, activities are undertaken to strip away a person's identity, decision-making capabilities, and self-esteem. Their names are taken away to be replaced with a number. Their sense of "Who I Am" is replaced with "What I Am." All opportunities to make a choice are removed. They are consistently told and retold what little worth they have to humanity. They are punished for showing any emotion, questioning any decision, or stepping outside of the accepted standard. Complete and utter compliance and conformity are demanded. Individualism is punished swiftly and severely. And it never changes. Colors are bland, meals are bland, activities are bland, and days and night fold into each other. Time slows and stops, as does growth and life for the inmate.

In order to survive such an environment, your loved must have been flexible enough to adapt and once adapted, it has become his/her life. It is life, alien and warped, but it is their life. And now comes the time for the inmate to come home, a world that has now become alien and unfamiliar and more importantly, terrifying. This is a time that will require more strength from the inmate than going into prison. But this time your loved one is not alone, you are there to help the healing
process and to encourage the growth. Your loved one has been deeply wounded, but can heal. Yes, there will always be scars, but one can live with scars as only distant reminders of bad times. So here are a few things to be aware of and several things you can do. You and your loved one are no longer helpless. Take your power back and use it!

TIPS AND HINTS:

First, recognize that he is coming from a place where he has had to be constantly alert and attentive, a place that is never quiet, a place he is never alone in peace, and that quiet is foreign to him. He will need periods of quiet time in short intervals. And he will not be comfortable with loud noises that he is not accustomed to, such as the babble of party noises, street noises and the like. He will be uncomfortable around a variety of colors, genders, children and animals. He will at first be uncomfortable moving from room to room, and will tend to stay in one room until it has become familiar. He will be uncomfortable going out the door ahead of anyone else. His eyes will always be shifting around and his heading turning, and he will probably wish to sit with his back to a wall. These are instinctual things he has learned and he won't even be conscious of it. The best cure is
simply time, to replace his instincts with new ones and to help him be aware of his actions, without trying to correct the actions. Pay attention to his comfort level and help make his new environment
comfortable, introducing new things slowly.

The worse damage done to your loved one is his ability to make decisions or choices was taken away. It has to be relearned. We unconsciously make hundreds of decisions a day. Your loved one is not allowed any and has forgotten how to make them. He was not even allowed to choose what
he would wear for the day, or if had the choice, it was extremely limited. Do not overwhelm him with choice.

The key to helping is staying supportive, but not smothering. He has to learn to make decisions and to choose in order to survive and grow in the new world, but he doesn't have to learn it overnight. Think in terms of small and slow steps. Let him set the pace, and be there for him if he demands too much of himself. He will want it all...the sensations he lost, the colors he lost, the sounds, the feels, the music. He can have it all, but in smaller doses. Wide-open spaces will scare him at first. Start with just watching a sunset to draw his attention up and out. A short walk in the neighborhood or light picnic in his own backyard. When you see he is comfortable, then expand to something a bit larger, a bit longer.

Don't ask him what he wants you to cook for dinner. Ask him if there's anything in particular that he would like, that he's been craving. Don't be surprised if some of his old favorites have changed and he no longer likes macaroni and cheese or turkey or meat loaf or pancakes. Those are prison staples and he is sick of them, even if your "home-cooked" was special. Again, give him small choices to make...do you want corn or green beans?

He will want to do those things that have been denied him all those years, social functions, entertainment, etc. Help him to realize the dream, but be cautious in how you do it. Do not take him to a movie the first weeks home. Dark, enclosed places, where he is surrounded by people will cause those flight/fight instincts to kick in. Rent a video instead. Do not take him to car races...try watching it on TV first to let him get accustomed to the noise. Do not take him to a restaurant
for a full meal...start by going into a smaller, comfortable, familiar place and order just dessert or a beverage. Menus are really intimidating and ordering dinner is overwhelming...soup or salad, what
kind of soup or what dressing on the salad, what kind of potato..mashed, baked, fried or rice, rolls or toast, what to drink with dinner.

Don't ever come up behind him quietly and put your arms around him for a quick hug, or tap on his shoulder. The flight/fight instinct will immediately kick in.

Make a little noise before entering a room he's in or call out to him. Encourage him to come into another room by inviting him in with you.

Do not take him shopping unless he asks to go. Under no circumstances, take him into a shopping mall the first few weeks home. Start out with small convenience stores or grocery stores. Don't ask him what he wants, ask him what brand of something he was using or liked. If you put him in front of a two dozen brands of toothpaste, he'll freeze. Watch him closely at shopping expeditions. If he begins to sweat or starts looking around more and more, pull him out of the store...he's on
overload.

Encourage his participation in household decisions by asking his opinion, but do not pressure him to make the decision. I know that you have longed to have the burden shared and it can be, but first he must learn to trust his decision-making skills and feel comfortable with airing his opinion. It's been a long time since he was asked and a long time since he was trusted.

Prepare for him coming home by having a new wardrobe ready for him, preferably colors he wasn't allowed to wear. But keep the wardrobe small, six or seven shirts at most. He won't be able to decide what to wear if he is overwhelmed with too much choice. Help him with the choice by mentioning that you particularly like a shirt or that he looks good in jeans, or you will be going someplace that tennis shoes might be comfortable. Don't tell him what to wear, but give hints or
encouragement that will help.

Even though out of prison, there is still a long string tying him to prison...fines owed, parole officers to check in with, boxes on forms that ask if he ever committed a felony. The reality is that he is
forever marked by being a prisoner and both you and he must accept that reality. Reduce the stress levels of the string by reducing the situation to an annoyance rather than an obstacle. Acknowledge that it is annoying, but then so is paying taxes, getting a driver's license, showing ID to cash a check. Reinforce the idea that it is simply a task to be done and has little importance in day-to-day life.

Help your loved one to redefine himself. He has lost "Who I Am," and must now start over and this time carrying a backpack full of shame, guilt, pain, anger and confusion. Don't remind him of who or what he used to be, but encourage him to look for what he wants to be. Let him
know there are no limits to what he can be.

Expect periods of silence from him when he has nothing to say. Expect periods when he won't shut up and you want to scream because you are tired of the prison stories. Expect evasions and direct lies because they have become a necessary part of his living system. Expect and understand where these things are coming from, but do not change your life to accommodate these things. When he is silent, respect his silence but do not retreat into it also. When he won't stop talking about prison, understand he is feeling particularly lost and redirect his thoughts to here and now. Call him on the lies and let him know there is no reason to lie. Remember, however, that he is used to instant and harsh punishment and will expect the same from you.

Human touch was one of the first things taken away from him. His only experience with human touch during his imprisonment has been in a negative way or fleeting moments during visits. He will crave touch and be repelled by it at the same time. Watch for his comfort level and adjust to it and help him to expand. Never touch him when he is unaware of your presence. Do not sacrifice yourself and your needs to accommodate him. It will only add to the burden of guilt he is feeling. Let him know that even though the transition is home is tough, you are working on it together, and that you expect him to be a partner in the work. Guide, do not nag. Make opportunities for him to be a partner, and then sit back and allow him to do it...even if you want to take it out of his hands and do
it yourself.

Be honest, be patient, be loving and most importantly, be human. Do not try to be perfect, do not try to be strong all the time. He needs to be needed. He needs to give love as well as receive it. He needs to know he is of value to you and the creation. He needs to relearn pride and faith. He needs to be judged on his actions now and the past become a whisper of memory.

Help him to find his spirituality. Help him to see the world beyond himself and his place in the world through his spirituality.

Be the living example by which he can learn. Show compassion, honor, trust, respect and fairness. These are qualities that he has not seen for a very long time and they cannot be described in words. By your example, show him the way home.


Final Thoughts:

Each situation, each human is different. But there is one truth for all. Your loved one has been wounded by the horror of being locked up. What must take place is a healing, not just for him but for you also. It will happen. It takes time, love and absolute faith, but it does happen. I urge you to be aware of what he has been through and where he has been, but not to allow your home to become a prison also. Help him to clean the prison out of him and replace that empty void with
home. Do not allow the prison to run your lives any longer by letting him and yourself stay imprisoned within your heart and minds. In order to be free, you both must feel free. Remind yourselves constantly that you are free!

I speak from the voice of experience. Not only have I supported First Nation Iron House Spiritual Circles, but I married a prisoner. After seven years in prison (six of which we shared together), my husband has home home. On December 25, 1998, we celebrated ten months of freedom.
During our celebration, we talked about the insanity of the first few months home, we talked of the love that had grown and strengthened through the years and the most exciting part was that we talked about the mundane, routine parts of life and made plans for the future....building a new fence next year, getting a puppy as a companion for our grown dog, rebuilding our lodge and renewing our wedding vows next Spring.

All that I had hoped for and wished for has come to be. My husband is truly home and we are stronger and more united for the experience. We truly value love, companionship, partnership and each other. We do not take for granted the small precious moments of life. The healing is well underway for us both. Keep your faith and your hope....it will be a good day, and a good life.

I really enjoyed this article. Another resource for re-entry information is a book by ned rollo called "99days and a get up" It is the book that used to be used in pre-release class in california prisons. My ex-husband used to refer to himself as doing "life" on the installment plan. You know, the revolving door type. In 1999 he took pre-release when he was in on a violation. He came home with the 99days and a get up book and could not stop talking about how much it helped him. He has not been back since. I bought one for someone else once, I just did a google search.

I really appriciate this article. It is always amazing that these issues touch inmates across the map. It is also amazing to me how we learn to adapt for these things with out even realizing it. I am still aware of my "place" at the table in a restraunt. My ex husband always needed to sit on the "outside" in a bench seat, with his back the direction so he could see as much of the room possible. These are little things you learn as a prisoners/ex prisoners wife that become part of your daily life/habits.

thank you again for posting the article that puts in to words what so many of us go through. Its nice to know we are not alone in this.

Thanks for posting this information, I wish I'd had known this years ago, it may have made a difference.

WOW !!!!!!!!!! that is so inspiring to me. my son will be home in june 08. after serving 2yrs. and i have two daughters that miss thier brother so much!!! i think i am going to lt them read this it is so true if you really think about it. thank-you so much for posting this i am new on here and i have truly had some big eye openers from others. i do now know that i am not alone so again thank-you!!!

Great Thread... Thank you for sharing this with everyone..I wish the best for all of you and your loved ones. God Bless...

This post being from 4 years ago will never be "old".
Thank you for posting this. So many do not know how hard it is for someone to come home after prison even county jail. Luckily I have some good friends that I met here on PTO that have told me many of the same things in the post here but to read this when I have 40 days left for my Hubby to come home makes me think of what I need to do for him again and in deep thought. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU... I know WE are going to make it.:D

we have left a year to go, and I just cant stop thinking about what I should and shouldnt do. Im so nervous about it! and when I talk to him, he just says that it will be ok, he just need to get home and everything will fall in the place....
this article opened my eyes a lot... we'll see!

Thanks!

This is good.. my husband comes home in 56 days after diong 10 years... and this does help answer a lot of my questions i have as to what it will be like.. :)


thanks,

this is a great thread and it does help. I have told my husband it's like he have read this because he keeps telling me what he wants to, have, go,do,see,wear when he is released like he know there are things that he's not going to want to do, see or what ever but he's a strong minded person and maybe they are teaching that now in some places. We had to do him the same way when he got out of the army, so this good for others things too. Thanks for sharing this and me and family is going to use it
Thanks

Thank you so much for posting this... i truly mean it. I have had so many questions about this, and how to prepare myself, and try to have insight on what he would go thru, now and at the time he gets home. This has answered so many questions i could not have come up with myself.

My Hubby has been home for almost a month. I read this article several times over the 6 years we did. I just re-read it again and have to say... print this out and read it often when your loved one comes home!!! OMG! It is like a bible... you will need it!

On another note, my Hubby and I are both acclimating well. I say BOTH because the changes in living lifestyle have been hard for me as well. Inmates aren't the only ones who don't get "touched" while they are inside. It's kind of wonderful and weird all at the same time. LOL! The patience I learned while being a prison wife is now an awesome asset to the re-adjustment process.

I wish everyone the best of luck that life has to offer when their loved one returns.
BLESSED BE!

... print this out and read it often when your loved one comes home!!! OMG! It is like a bible... you will need it!

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Your story is so inspiring and encouraging! :thumbsup: Thank you for posting. :)

This whole subject has been on my mind so much.. i want to know as much as possible about the transitions and our parts (both his and mine) in helping each other thru them. i truly wish i had more to read about this, more info, more details... written by both to gain more perspective from both sides.

Wonderful article! I have never thought about it!! I will definately be more aware. After four years it's going to be very hard to come home, and face the loss of four people that were close to you before you left--all going too early.....

Wow, I really loved the article and I guess I have a head start..when I send my fiance' letters in each letter somewhere I write the words in great BIG CAPITAL LETTERS "YOU ARE WORTH SOMETHING..YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING..AND THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.. NEVER FORGET THAT!!!" I also keep telling him that I'll have all his favorite foods ready when he gets home (I'm a chef) so, he knows that nothing I cook is going to even remotely look or taste like prison food..I just know that when I get letters from him he tells me thank-you for you being patience and understanding and staying with me and for letting me know that I'm not a total screw up which he's not..I have to keep that in mind when I talk to him on the phone too...I always tell him I love you, and thank-you for being you and for being worth it all.

Wow, I really loved the article and I guess I have a head start..when I send my fiance' letters in each letter somewhere I write the words in great BIG CAPITAL LETTERS "YOU ARE WORTH SOMETHING..YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING..AND THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.. NEVER FORGET THAT!!!" I also keep telling him that I'll have all his favorite foods ready when he gets home (I'm a chef) so, he knows that nothing I cook is going to even remotely look or taste like prison food..I just know that when I get letters from him he tells me thank-you for you being patience and understanding and staying with me and for letting me know that I'm not a total screw up which he's not..I have to keep that in mind when I talk to him on the phone too...I always tell him I love you, and thank-you for being you and for being worth it all.

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thats pretty cool, Tigress... we like to know we're a high value to them, and in their cicumstances its even more needed i bet, -them to constantly know what they mean to us,... in detail. i am careful to be extra expressive in how i feel about him, and how much i need him. the needs of this are in every human, and are amplified by far when in the situations they are in.

your post was inspiring and put a smile on my face! :D

Thank you so much for this artical. My husband comes home in 26 more days:D I really needed to read this artical. I can already relate to a lot of it. Like many here, my husband has been institutionalized at a very young age. I met my husband only 3 weeks after he did a 3 year bid. I never could understand why he stuffed food in his mouth and ate so fast, until he told me how long they give them to eat their meals in prison. I was always trying to tell him that he is not in prison any more, "take your time and enjoy your food" I would say. That's not all I could relate to. He and I often talk about what we are going to do when he gets home. I think my expectations are to high, and his as well! Hell, I get overwhelmed just trying to decide what we are going to do when he gets home. He tells me to write a list of all the things I want to do so he can make it up to me when he gets home, but just thinking about it I get anxious and overwhelmed. We both decided that we do want to stay in the house for a few days and get re-aquainted, he knows he wants to Barbe-Q some of his world famous ribs for me:thumbsup:I am looking forward to that. We did decide on going to see Teena Marie in August and to the JVC Jazz festival the weekend he comes home. I hope it wont be too much for him. I will be sure to make it as stressless as possible. I did one thing right according to the artical and that was get him a new wardrobe already, I have been shopping for him for the past 22 months. He already knows about that, so he is looking forward to it. Again, thanks so much for that article. And to all you women out there.....Stay strong and God Bless all of us.:grouphug:

This article is a huge help for me. My hubby comes home in 39 days and I also wasn't sure how to prepare for this. Everything in that article is completely true. For instance I spoke to him Saturday and one of the things he said is that after we are out for a bit and he comes home he just wants to take a nice quiet bath alone for a few hours and then it's our time. He told me that he doesn't want me to think that he is ignoring me or he doesn't want to spend time with but he just needs that moment. I was a little hurt but reading this I am understanding things so much more.

Thanks again for posting this as I will definetely need it.;)

this has been so helpful. i just found this today. thank you for all of the advise i will in deed need it 70 days left 2 go after 11yrs in side

I just joined today simply to ask what to expect when my man arrives back.
I don't need to ask anymore - thank you SO much for posting this

WOW, I appreciate your openess and the warm of the thread. This was much needed and helps me understand the challenge of adjustment when he comes home. It also helps keep things in perspective.

wow this was deep im glad i read it ! my husband just saw his 7th board today and if he is paroled i would read this tohim outload the day he comes home!

the article is very helpful. it is also important to remember that each person is unique and different and will adjust in their own special way. use the article as a guide not a bible. i'm very excited and welcoming to experience the readjustment this friday (6/27/08) :)

I can tell you a few little quirks I had when I got out if you want. I got over most of them after six months or so, but the one thing I haven't gotten over is sleeping in the dark and quiet. I can't do it. Lights were on all the time, at least dim ones. They can't bitch at you if they can't see you so they have to see you. I stayed with my brother for about 3 months when I got out and the first night there I was SO looking forward to sleeping in a big soft bed in the dark and the quiet. Well, that didn't happen. I ended up getting up, turning on the light and pushing the bed against the wall and sleeping on about 2 feet of it. I also had to put on my Walkman so I could hear something. I was laying there going nuts in the quiet, especially since my brother lives way out in the country.

Couple days later we went to Wal Mart. VERY BAD IDEA! Do NOT take a dude who just got out of the lockup to a rural Wal Mart. It's not going to work out at all, not in any way shape or form. Men who you don't know step in front of you, they bump against you in the aisle and even if they DO SAY 'scuse me' you don't know what they really meant to do (as it turns out they just meant to get by you, but at the time you dont know that). They also look you in the eye just walking by. I think I actually was going to go after about three different dudes that day, just because they were polite and looked me in the eye. Thank God for my brother LOL!

Another REALLY BAD idea is to go to a bar. That's the first place we went the second night out. It don't work. Don't try it. It SOUNDS like it would be GREAT but it's really not.

T Mike

All I can say after reading this article is Thank You. We have a ways to go before my Sweet Love comes home, but this article is going to help us both to prepare. Even now.

I saved it, and I'm going to prinit and send it to him to read. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. You will never know what a gift and a blessing you gave us when you posted that article. Thank You soooooooo much.