hey all!!

How do we survive this time apart from our loved ones? When I visit now, I can feel us becoming distant. I don't want this to happen. We write to each other all the time. But niether of us truely knows whats going on with each other. I understand that she doesnt want to share the horrible stories of being in jail. Its like visiting an old friend that you haven't seen in years. Just idle chit chat. Now, she's questioning if I am going to wait around and if she is worth waiting around for.
I guess after the roller coaster ride I've been on...My emotional state is starting to level off and the depression is setting in...

any suggestions?
thanks
E

I am assuming that she IS worth waiting around for? I mean that in the most respectful way... I know that you have had your 'time' with each other...

I do know what you mean about being distant.... sometimes when the really important issues come up it is not convenient to talk about them because you are not there in person and sometimes they cannot really help anyway - other than being informed of the situation.

I think that this is when the test really comes... you BOTH have to really want this and BOTH have to really work to make it continue. It is time to find a level of communication that really works for both of you.

Find ways in letters to have discussions about issues in each others lives - meaningful discussions. Take your issues to her for her opinion before you act. Discuss things like if she was out and keep her a part of the decisions and the daily living. No situation or issue is too small to discuss. I think sometimes we tend to become 'independent' in our thinking and actions and don't think to include them in the everyday decisions anymore... Like - discuss the new tires for the car and the benefit of the $100 vs. the $80 tire??? I know that is a silly example but I do this!

I know that I have not really answered your question completely but this is what works for us... Right now we are in a writing slump... Oh, the letters are coming but they are short and not much content of any worth outside of the 'love for each other' part... It is hard sometimes but it is important to always be fighting for more...

Hope this helps somewhat!

thank you

When someone is in prison, time stops. My daughter told me that. She said every day is the same as the next. The food menu doesn't change-----they go in monthly or weekly cycles with the same foods on the same days. Nothing ever happens that they can really share with you. They don't do exciting things, they fear retaliation if they write to you about bad things that happen in there. So asking questions about themselves------what they were like as a child, funny experiences, embarrassing moments------anything to stimulate conversation is good. Send in pictures of clothing or hairstyles and ask her opinion if they'd look good on you. Giving them something to think about and talk about besides prison is really a good thing. The same topics would be good at visits. I hope you can get past this difficult time. Being patient and understanding will go a long way, I'm sure.

Not sure if I can help or not, I agree with what Tab had to say. I suggest that you keep writing each other and talk about things that may not seem important to you but will to them. You need to share your everyday life activities with them, let them know they are still a part of your life. Use phrases like our, we, etc. and always remind this person over and over that you will wait for them if that is what you intend to do. Talk about plans of what you want to do when they get out if that is the case for you. Fortunately I shared 8 years with my partner before they left and we have things to talk about. If you seem "down" at your visits it might make them down and depressed as well. I am sure they hear stories from fellow inmates about partners who could not or would not wait and that probably makes them worried, as I said, remind them that you still want to be a part of their lives even if you two are apart. Good luck, I hope it is just a slump your in and that things improve. Keep us posted.

Interesting you say like visiting an old friend. There amidst the steel and cement we sometimes subconsciously put barriers between ourselves and our loved one. When my "best friend" went to jail and I was left moving all his stuff into a storage facility, his sister and her husband helped and they talked of him as though he were dead. It was morbid. He had just gotten out after doing a year in Plainview, but relapsed 5 months later. Now it's 5 years in the hole. 2 and a half is what we're hoping for. I sense hostility towards me that i don't take personally. I almost see him saying to himself "why me..." Well, we know "Why Him". He's the one who couldn't say no to crack. But I still love him for who he is, not what he does. God loves us unconditionally, and I try to do likewise. It's impossible, so I just try my best. He writes about the things we will do when he gets out, and I agree they sound great. But what good is a parole date if he can't say no to dope and beer. I'm recovering too, and have been dry since 11/21/01. But I don't get my hopes up too high on his parole date because he will be always locked away until he decides to put down the pipe and jug. I know he has nothing to do in there but start thinking of all the resentments and "situations" that put him there. He is just that way. But now he has begun to get a relationship with God. His letters are filled with hope and encouragement. I have found myself getting more and more into the Bible. I have now come to the conclusion that God is Real and always has been. It is me and Todd that are discovering truth together. In times of suffering our faith grows stronger. Faith is growing in leaps and leaps. Someone hand wrote a note inside a bible I was given. It says "Why do we say "I hope so" when someone asks if we've been saved?" Thats because we look at our imperfections instead of Gods grace". I like that. We are all only human with many frailties. Suspisions are a reality for those held in cages. Regardless of the relationship, it is so very hard on them not to ....think....in there. I write daily and offer words of hope. But the bottom line is that I truly am powerless over him. I will be there for him until he tells me otherwise. All too rarely are any of us so fortunate then to have found not only a soul mate with whom we would sacrifice our own lives for, but a friend. And true friends are in it not for the "convenience" of friendship, but for the relationship between them. Guess this makes for a long answer to a simple solution, and that's simply to be there for our mate. They have (or at least I'm under the impression) a tremendous fear of being forgotten. It is not so irrational when you think about it. I sometimes fear he will find someone better than me on the INSIDE. I pray He takes my fears away, and the fears of a child in the body of a man. May God bless you and your loved one/