My baby will be gone a total of 14 years when he comes home 2/5/04..

What we having going for us, is our love. But is love enough?

I honestly feel we're going to need time to get reacquainted. I've seen him almost every week since he went down and we speak 2, 3, 4 sometimes 5 times a week. But actually living under the same roof after all these years, there's going to be a period of adjustment. Cause lets be honest.. the time we spend with our loved ones, isn't natural or normal. Having our every move watched, them not being allowed to move except to use the bathroom etc. None of that's normal.

I've become very independent , making most decisions solely. I'm going to have to learn to step back and allow him to be the king of his castle.

I love to spend, he loves to save. Over the past 14 years the mans actually managed to save over $4000.00 out of the money he earns, and what I send. Which isn't that often. And he earns a grand total of 35.00 a month. So now that it's getting down to the last 5 months, I'm buying everything I want/need for the house, because I know when he gets home. I'll have to discuss everything with him first. Lord knows that will probably be our biggest issue.

Not to mention he feels he needs to prove things, first to himself, then me and family. I’m very optimistic about our future. But I’m not delusional; I know it’s going to take a lot of work and dedication to make this last. I’ve grown in so many ways, since he’s been gone. I raised our children, earned an advanced degree, built a new home four years ago and earn more than 95% of other working people in this country. He’s always been supportive and proud of my accomplishments. But I know also by his words, that he wants to be the breadwinner, take care of his family.

The plan is for him to work any ole jobs when he’s first released and attend school. He already has his BA, but wants to match my masters degree. I’m praying with his conviction, that someone will give him a chance. I know for certain he could not work for my firm, where I deal with multi million dollar accounts. Need bonding and where they do extensive background checks.

Through the years I have met & become friends with many many other women. Unfortunately their stories/lives after release are what causes a lot of my fears.

To say I'm concerned would be an understatement. Sometimes I get downright scared. I'm not that very young woman depending on my man anymore. I was forced to learn to do it all myself.

I don't know what I hoped for by posting this, but I know I need to vent. Thanks for allowing me the forum...

You certainly must be feeling extremely anxious and stressed...alot of us with just a short time left are feeling the same way and it is a good thing that you are feeling optimistic because the Lord gave us instincts and speaking personally, whenever my instincts tell me something, I KNOW NOT to doubt them. The adjustment period is something we all look forward to and dread at the same time, we miss them dearly, but to be honest, there will be some things about living alone with our son that I will miss..having control over the remote, the tranquility of no additional stress in the house, lots of free quite time to think...about all aspects of our married life and history. This support group has helped me so much and I'm sure it can do the same for you.
Joy

Monica ((hugs))!! I know EXACTLY what you are going through. My husband has been down for 16 years and he goes before the parole board next September (2004). I think about him coming home and I get scared also. I feel like my "space" is going to be invaded and my privacy will be no more. Him and I have a 20 year old son together and I raised him all by myself. Like you I earn a very good salary and feel sometimes that he will feel less than a man making less than me. I know we are going to have hard times when (and if) he comes home next year, but I hope that we can work through them like we do now. Communication is the only way it's gonna work and I pray that we can talk with each other as we do now.

I feel your anxiety and what you are going through and you put into words exactly how I feel. Do not hesitate to send me a private message if you want to chat more about this topic or any other. It's best to get all your feelings out now before he comes home.

Take Care

Tammy

:fb:

Thank God for all of you.. and you're right it's not just the employment and big things. It's the remote control, going to bed when I feel like it, eating cereal for dinner if that's what I choose, leaving a bowl or glass in the sink over night.. knowing he's a clean freak and wouldn't lay down if there was a spoon to wash. Leaving the ironing board up, oh yeah and one of my biggest dreads is having to lose my flannel pajama's.. I've learned to love em. LOL

I love him to death, and what I've managed to aquire is ours. But I have slipped and said my house or my car when we have conversations. And he catches it everytime. He doesn't get mad, he's intelligent and knows I don't mean to exclude him. But he lets me know he heard me.

He hates fast food, if he has his way we'll eat home cooking 365 days a year. Me on the other hand can live on salad's, Lite microwave dinners and eating out.

I'm going to try to bend more in favor of what he wants, but like I've told him. True enough he's done the time, but in many ways so have I. I lost many of the people I considered my friends, because of their opinion of him and me waiting all these years. I hate when people say stuff like "you're so pretty, you can have anyone.. why you waiting on him". or tell me "girl, you done better on your own, loose him". To me that's not friendship... I may not agree with everything my friends do.. but I respect them enough to respect and support their decisions.

He's always told me to go out and have fun, but when you're always the third wheel, the one alone at parties and on holidays. It's easier just not to go.

Then there's his idea on a product, just like countless dreams of other people who are down. If developing something, getting a patient, having a prototype made and being able to get rich off it, were that easy. Then why haven't all the free people with money done so? But again I try to support his dreams.

Sometimes I feel like screaming!! But what good would it do!!

I hope and pray a year from now, I can come on here and talk about how wonderful things are.

My husband is coming home in less than 6 months. I was having a really rough day today. This week, it seems like he is pulling away from me. Not every day but I can feel the change. We got married 3 weeks ago. I got to know him through being his pen pal. To tell you the truth, I have never loved anyone like I love him. But I am scared for when he gets out. I hear all he says, and I try to believe it. He did decide to change way before he met me, because he knew he was living an immoral lifestyle and he's tired of prison. He wants something for his life, and with his family. I know about 'getting short' and 'gate fever.' I did time myself about 20 years ago. We are both in our 40's. He has 'adopted' my 13 year old daughter, and wants to be her father.
So what's wrong? I'm getting short too. But I don't remember all of what it entails..the psychological aspects. I need some advice on what is going on with him, and with me! Sometimes, I feel like I can't make it! That it's not worth it! That I can't stand being out here alone with him in there! That if I have to see that damn razor wire and get patted down one more time I'll scream! that if I have to hear that recording from MCI I'll go beserk! I ask God's help all the time. But mostly, I'm scared.

Marsha

It sounds like you at least have a good grasp of some of the potential problems you both wilol face, and believe me, that's half the battle right there. But, he's going to have issues to deal with that neither of you can possibly foresee or prepare for, and some of them will be issues he may not be able/willing to discuss with you at first. As a former inmate who has been free now for over 15 years (after serving 7 1/2 ) I know what I'm talking about. Please feel free to email me and chat about any concerns opr questions. And possibly even more important please feel free to have HIM contact me, or ask me to begin corespondance with him before his release. The man will need someone to talk to who has some grasp of what's going on in his life, in his heart, and in his head.

Wayne

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Wayne,

Thank you for the offer, I will ask him if it’s all right to pass his info on to you.

MJW.. girl I know exactly what you’re going through.

i just posted the same question under gay and lesbians....when my g/f gets out, she'll have only served 8 months. I cant even imagine how to re-adjust after 14 or 16 years. But I searching for the same answers.

Well I can relate is all I can say. Don't know if I can help as we need help ourselves dealing with this same thing. My husband just got out 3 weeks ago after serving 14 years in prison. So far he has put in lots of applications for jobs and made lots of phone calls but it is really hard. No one seems to want to hire an ex-felon. Also he has no computer skills and some of the job apps are done over a computer right there at the facility he is applying at. He has no job skills, and no knowledge of how to handle an interview, what questions to ask, etc. He seems to give up and get discouraged so easily. At the same time he gets his hopes up so quickly (too quickly) if someone is even just polite to him when he asks about a job. Then he feels let down if it doesn't happen. So far I have been totally supporting him financially and running him all over to interviews, filling out apps, etc. but I can feel the extra load I am carrying! It is alot of work and very draining some days. I told him he should just consider lying on the application at this point and denying being convicted of a felony. If later they find out and he gets fired oh well; at least he had some income for awhile! This is really too hard and I can totally understand why someone would re-offend just to get back into a place they understand and are familiar with and get their basic needs taken care of anyway. They make it really hard on them out here. I keep telling my husband not to give up and to hang in there and something will come along but it sure is taking a long time! So anyway good luck to you and to me as well!!!

ladies Please Take it one day at a time things have to get better,love him and help him,remember in your wedding vows it said FOR BETTER OR WORST, think postive!!

thanks, it's hard to remember that sometimes!

So from February to now you probably have a really good idea of some of the issues he is facing.

I was in for 8 years and getting out, finding my place and making a life for myself and growing a family has been the hardest adventure I've ever taken on. But I sit here today with a 9 year old son and a 3 year old son and a decent career. Some of my most difficult issues were identifying with this free society. I couldn't help but compare my situations to experiences in prison and it wasn't until i stopped talking about and thinking about my rpison time that I was able to move beyond it.

There were 8 years of my life I had to write off and stop bringing into my daily life. I had this habit of taking a situation and comparing it to my experiences in prison and sharing that with whomever Iw as talking with. While to me it was no big deal, it impacts people negatively. Even people who knew about my background and accepted me didn't appreciate my stories.

Getting beyond that time was hard, it was such a major chunk of life at such an early age for me. Now, some 11 years later, I'm still seperating myself from the habits and tendencies I developed in prison.

The lesson I think I learned is that nothing but sheer will and a dedication to living a free life, seperating myself from the morality that made things acceptable that would jeopardize that freedom. Changing my mindset, that was the hardest thing of all.

I hope he's doing well. It will take years for all of those issues to surface, endure through it. the man at teh end of the road is nothing like the man you have before you today, but he is in there working his way out. Having someone he can talk to other than you is a powerful tool. Someone he can be fully disclosing with who can advise him without being someone who could threaten his freedom. I atteneded pastoral Counseling for 2 years when I was released. I should have stayed in it for at least 4.

14 years is over a generation. So, imagine he is now a generation behind. Imagine how the world was when he went into prison and compare that world and its social values to the world you are in today.

Tere are some amazing differences. Be open to his need to talk about things and wait for him. remember "In sicknes and in health, in good times and in bad..." extends to cover these kind of situations. Almost everyone I've met with but three exceptions have never maintained relationships they had before they were incarcerated beyond the second year of their release. the issues are sometimes to insurmountable. But if you can get into a good pastoral counseling program, he can be open and recieve the kind of feedback that helps him emotionally reintegrate. You can benefit from the same program by communicating the hardships and situations you experience and recieve the same kind of feedback.

Talking, who knew it could heal so much...

Peace, good luck and God's blessings for you both.
Ronn

i agree with you 100%...have to remember your wedding vows and stand by him......maintain your faith and stay strong.


ladies Please Take it one day at a time things have to get better,love him and help him,remember in your wedding vows it said FOR BETTER OR WORST, think postive!!

Yes well I remembered my wedding vows faithfully but it seems he forgot his. He is now back in on a 4 to 40 year sentence for selling drugs. He cheated on me after my waiting for him for 6 long years. Not only did he cheat on me, it was way worse than that. I found out after he went back in that he had actually rented a house on a land contract with an option to buy with another woman unbeknowst to me. He had told me he had a midnight shift job 4 nights a week; the other 3 nights he spent home with me. Well guess what. . .apparently now I am finding out there was no midnight shift job at all; he was living with me 3 nights a week and with her 4 nights a week. She was a crack whore who is currenlty in jail for her 3rd drunk driving. It's a good thing for her that she is in jail right now is all I can say. She knew all about me and I knew nothing about her for a long time; then when I did meet her she was suposedly 'a friend' and 'business partner' of his. The betrayal is so deep here someone should make a movie out of this story. It is truly incredible. I never in my wildest dreams imagined all of this. They had a whole house full of furniture that my husband had bought. I am right now trying to obtain posession of it as they are both locked up and the house and furniture is just sitting there. It's not that I want it; I just don't want her to have it when she gets out. I want her to come home to an empty house.

Isadora -- every once in a blue moon I get on PTO and check to see how you're doing. I'm really sorry to read your posts of the last couple of months. I can't even imagine your pain. I will keep you in my prayers. I just read this verse earlier this morning, maybe it will help...and don't forget that Jesus is a forever friend who loves you dearly...He knows betrayal too. "If this had been done by an enemy I could bear his taunts. If a rival had risen against me, I could hide from him. But it is you, my own companion, my intimate friend! How close was the friendship between us." - psalm 55. later on in the same psalm, it says, "cast your cares on the Lord and He will support you."

may you find peace and healing in God, in time, in friends and family who love you.

megan

Thank you sweetie. Those were the perfect verses for me.