Lysbeth
08-14-2003, 03:00 AM
(Forgive me, those who already know, for repeating myself...)
Well, it's a long story and now it's (mostly) resolved and okay (more or less) but we've still got a ways to go on the road back to things being wonderful again. The last seven days were an absolute nightmare, but somehow out of all this awfulness, a miracle managed to happen.
Things have been going SO good. Brian's recovery has been going great, we've had all these wonderful visits the past several months, our relationship's just been getting better and better and stronger than ever, and we've been hopefully on the verge of looking at parole in the near future. Not a thing in the world, really, to complain about. Well...
We got the news last week on Wednesday that my boneheaded incarcerated loved one flunked his most recent drug screen. I was already preparing for visiting last weekend and wound up cancelling all my reservations (adding insult to injury, they didn't move him out of his dorm as expected last week so we probably could have had a visit Saturday after all).
We expected to lose at least 30 and possibly 90 or more days of visiting privileges, certainly that much of his store privileges, and possibly as much of phone privileges. He was going to lose what's really been a pretty comfortable life, for prison, in the honor dorm and thus lose all his leadership privileges and all advantages from living there. Not to mention what this disciplinary could do to his parole hearing that we're still waiting for.
In a nutshell, basically we were expecting to lose virtually EVERYTHING that has made this whole prison thing more tolerable and comfortable, for him certainly and for us, over one lousy marijuana joint. A narcotics addict who has been in active recovery for years and with 600+ days of clean time behind him and he just blew it all - recovery, all the privileges that have made this prison thing much easier than otherwise, and the possibility of his parole - over his inability to turn down one lousy joint. And he doesn't even LIKE pot. Bad enough to be losing everything for any reason, but to be losing it over pot instead of, oh, I don't know... heroin, morphine, coke, whatever! Talk about even adding MORE insult to injury. Yeah, I could have just wrung his skinny little neck.
Needless to say I was NOT a happy camper. Actually, I was downright miserable and devastated, for several reasons. Of course one of the top ten being the possibility - almost probability - of not being able to see him or speak to him on the phone until almost Thanksgiving... but that was something that was really going to hurt him much more than me.
He was miserable, I was miserable, we spent several days on the phone every day just trying to hang in there and not lose it totally. He wasn't going to prison court until late Monday night/early Tuesday, so all we could do was wait for the axe to fall and try to hang on. We expected them to move him out of his dorm before the weekend, but it didn't happen. Waiting for him to go to the prison court Tuesday was the worst of all, waiting and not knowing exactly what we were going to be dealing with yet.
We were hoping he was going to be able to get into the relapse program at the SAP dorm there, but knew there was a good chance they might just decide to make an example of him and throw him in the hole or on house arrest.
SO - well, there we were, still waiting. He was miserable about screwing up - screwing up his recovery, screwing up all our privileges and time together, screwing up basically pretty much everything. I know the night he had to call and tell me what happened was probably one of his most horrifying moments ever. I had come home from work in an especially and very unusually good and happy and bouncy mood, and the moment he realized what a good mood I was in and then realized he was going to have destroy it, I know that was awful. But even moreso the fact that for the first time ever, I burst into tears on the phone - I never cry in front of him, not in person nor on the phone. When he had to explain to me that we wouldn't be able to visit this weekend, I about lost it... but then when he asked me if I really understood what the consequences were going to be and then patiently had to spell out the fact that we were likely going to lose visiting and phone privileges for at least 30 and maybe 90 days, the dam just burst.
He got an interview for the SAP dorm's release program Tuesday, and that sounded hopeful. We were just praying they wouldn't just decide to make an example out of him and toss him in lockup or house arrest for the next however long. Knew it could well happen.
So everything was just terrible, awful, and miserable, a total nightmare. Then came Tuesday...
Quote from Brian: "All that praying from everybody must have really worked!" I am not and have never been much of a very religious person - spiritual but not necessarily religious - but I think this whole thing has just about made a major believer out of me!!!
Here's what happened...
They called him to court around 11 p.m. Monday night but kept him waiting around until sometime after 3 a.m. (yep, it was a pretty rough night!). The sergeant looked thru Brian's file pretty intently and then commented that he saw Brian had not had a disciplinary in two years. Brian said no, four years. The sergeant looked again and said OK, three years. Brian said again that it was four years. The sergeant looked back in the file again and said it was (whatever month) 1999 and counted to himself and then agreed, it had been four years.
Then he asked Brian something like, so what in the world happened now for you to get this disciplinary after not having one in four years? I forget what Brian's response was - it was good - and he said the guy kind of laughed and shook his head. They talked about Brian having gone through SAP and Brian said that was one of the reasons he had not had a disciplinary in four years. There was some other stuff discussed, but that was the main part.
Then Brian said the sergeant started writing and wrote down his recommendations on Brian's period of restriction. And then, after that, he asked if Brian had anything else he wanted to say. And then before Brian answered he wrote something else down at the bottom of the page.
So Brian told him he had an interview scheduled for the relapse program in the SAP dorm and he'd like to do that.
What the sergeant had written at the bottom of the page before Brian answered was a recommendation for Brian to enter the relapse program.
Oh, and about that restriction period?
21 DAYS.
3 weeks instead of 3 months! And the part about the relapse program too?!! Brian and I agreed - this is a miracle! He said he went in there just prepared to be slaughtered and accepting it and just hoping it maybe wouldn't be too bad but he really didn't expect anything less than 45 days.
The relapse program interview went fine and I really think it's almost a sure thing and if so he will probably be moved to the SAP dorm no later than Friday. It looks like this whole thing is just going to turn out beautifully, no matter the little details! He wants us to remember nothing is set in stone yet and it could change, but I think we all can feel pretty secure that it's all going to be OK.
He sounds SO good and he knows what a HUGE blessing this is. We talked about a bunch of other stuff last night that lets me know his head and heart are both EXACTLY in the right place as far as his recovery and his faith both, I think whatever all he is about to experience and learn from this situation is going to do him SO much good. And he really just sounds like is getting kind of excited about and looking forward to being in the SAP dorm for a while and the relapse program, not only for recovery purposes but he was talking about how spiritual things there are much more open and he just really seems to be looking forward to it. And I am excited for him. I just think this whole thing is going to be really good. This was a bad thing to happen and it could have turned out worse, instead I think there are going to be a lot of good and positive things sprung from all this.
I know Brian's still got a long and hard road ahead and a lot of work in front of him but I think all this good news this week will just get him encouraged and excited more about getting himself back on the right track, even though it's not going to be easy and even harder with us being separated for so long.
The relapse program is either 6 or 12 weeks - we're not sure which - but sometime after that, hopefully, he may be able to move back into the honor dorm and things get truly back to "normal" for him and for us.
Still a little worried about what this might do to his parole possibilities but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
I know even though these next few weeks are going to seem like they pass slower than molasses here probably for me, they're going to be good ones just out of the amazement that this has turned out so well when it could have been SO much worse!! I know I'll be feeling sad and down at times being separated and kept apart from him for that long - we had planned two visits in August, and now we're going to get ZERO - but things have just turned out so much better than we feared. I can handle this, easy.
So, well, there you go. I think this is just another bump in the road for us and his recovery, but I really think this bump is going to lead to some very good and positive things down the road.
And when it comes down to it, whatever punishment and restrictions they were going to lay on Brian that he was going to have to deal with there alone were nothing to him compared to the things that were going directly affect me and his family, and the fact that he may have jeopardized his parole over this, too - all those things I think are going to be real good encouragement to NOT jeopardize all those things again. He's learning a big lesson from all this and the possibility of having lost our visits for three months alone pretty much scared him to death. Hopefully this experience will turn out to have been a big milestone in his recovery, his dealing with the prison thing, and our relationship.
So... life is good again! Maybe not exactly how I want it - if it were I'd be going down to visit again in a week and a half - but I'm not complaining, things could have been SO much worse.
We had so many good people hoping for us and praying and thinking good thoughts for us during this awful time and each and every one is so special and I am grateful beyond words to them all. And even though this news is mostly "after the fact" here on PTO, I appreciate all you guys and appreciate that there is this wonderful place where there are people that not only understand "the drug thing" but "the prison thing" too. Yay for PTO! :)
One day at a time, and today is another day and tomorrow will be another one...
Lys
Well, it's a long story and now it's (mostly) resolved and okay (more or less) but we've still got a ways to go on the road back to things being wonderful again. The last seven days were an absolute nightmare, but somehow out of all this awfulness, a miracle managed to happen.
Things have been going SO good. Brian's recovery has been going great, we've had all these wonderful visits the past several months, our relationship's just been getting better and better and stronger than ever, and we've been hopefully on the verge of looking at parole in the near future. Not a thing in the world, really, to complain about. Well...
We got the news last week on Wednesday that my boneheaded incarcerated loved one flunked his most recent drug screen. I was already preparing for visiting last weekend and wound up cancelling all my reservations (adding insult to injury, they didn't move him out of his dorm as expected last week so we probably could have had a visit Saturday after all).
We expected to lose at least 30 and possibly 90 or more days of visiting privileges, certainly that much of his store privileges, and possibly as much of phone privileges. He was going to lose what's really been a pretty comfortable life, for prison, in the honor dorm and thus lose all his leadership privileges and all advantages from living there. Not to mention what this disciplinary could do to his parole hearing that we're still waiting for.
In a nutshell, basically we were expecting to lose virtually EVERYTHING that has made this whole prison thing more tolerable and comfortable, for him certainly and for us, over one lousy marijuana joint. A narcotics addict who has been in active recovery for years and with 600+ days of clean time behind him and he just blew it all - recovery, all the privileges that have made this prison thing much easier than otherwise, and the possibility of his parole - over his inability to turn down one lousy joint. And he doesn't even LIKE pot. Bad enough to be losing everything for any reason, but to be losing it over pot instead of, oh, I don't know... heroin, morphine, coke, whatever! Talk about even adding MORE insult to injury. Yeah, I could have just wrung his skinny little neck.
Needless to say I was NOT a happy camper. Actually, I was downright miserable and devastated, for several reasons. Of course one of the top ten being the possibility - almost probability - of not being able to see him or speak to him on the phone until almost Thanksgiving... but that was something that was really going to hurt him much more than me.
He was miserable, I was miserable, we spent several days on the phone every day just trying to hang in there and not lose it totally. He wasn't going to prison court until late Monday night/early Tuesday, so all we could do was wait for the axe to fall and try to hang on. We expected them to move him out of his dorm before the weekend, but it didn't happen. Waiting for him to go to the prison court Tuesday was the worst of all, waiting and not knowing exactly what we were going to be dealing with yet.
We were hoping he was going to be able to get into the relapse program at the SAP dorm there, but knew there was a good chance they might just decide to make an example of him and throw him in the hole or on house arrest.
SO - well, there we were, still waiting. He was miserable about screwing up - screwing up his recovery, screwing up all our privileges and time together, screwing up basically pretty much everything. I know the night he had to call and tell me what happened was probably one of his most horrifying moments ever. I had come home from work in an especially and very unusually good and happy and bouncy mood, and the moment he realized what a good mood I was in and then realized he was going to have destroy it, I know that was awful. But even moreso the fact that for the first time ever, I burst into tears on the phone - I never cry in front of him, not in person nor on the phone. When he had to explain to me that we wouldn't be able to visit this weekend, I about lost it... but then when he asked me if I really understood what the consequences were going to be and then patiently had to spell out the fact that we were likely going to lose visiting and phone privileges for at least 30 and maybe 90 days, the dam just burst.
He got an interview for the SAP dorm's release program Tuesday, and that sounded hopeful. We were just praying they wouldn't just decide to make an example out of him and toss him in lockup or house arrest for the next however long. Knew it could well happen.
So everything was just terrible, awful, and miserable, a total nightmare. Then came Tuesday...
Quote from Brian: "All that praying from everybody must have really worked!" I am not and have never been much of a very religious person - spiritual but not necessarily religious - but I think this whole thing has just about made a major believer out of me!!!
Here's what happened...
They called him to court around 11 p.m. Monday night but kept him waiting around until sometime after 3 a.m. (yep, it was a pretty rough night!). The sergeant looked thru Brian's file pretty intently and then commented that he saw Brian had not had a disciplinary in two years. Brian said no, four years. The sergeant looked again and said OK, three years. Brian said again that it was four years. The sergeant looked back in the file again and said it was (whatever month) 1999 and counted to himself and then agreed, it had been four years.
Then he asked Brian something like, so what in the world happened now for you to get this disciplinary after not having one in four years? I forget what Brian's response was - it was good - and he said the guy kind of laughed and shook his head. They talked about Brian having gone through SAP and Brian said that was one of the reasons he had not had a disciplinary in four years. There was some other stuff discussed, but that was the main part.
Then Brian said the sergeant started writing and wrote down his recommendations on Brian's period of restriction. And then, after that, he asked if Brian had anything else he wanted to say. And then before Brian answered he wrote something else down at the bottom of the page.
So Brian told him he had an interview scheduled for the relapse program in the SAP dorm and he'd like to do that.
What the sergeant had written at the bottom of the page before Brian answered was a recommendation for Brian to enter the relapse program.
Oh, and about that restriction period?
21 DAYS.
3 weeks instead of 3 months! And the part about the relapse program too?!! Brian and I agreed - this is a miracle! He said he went in there just prepared to be slaughtered and accepting it and just hoping it maybe wouldn't be too bad but he really didn't expect anything less than 45 days.
The relapse program interview went fine and I really think it's almost a sure thing and if so he will probably be moved to the SAP dorm no later than Friday. It looks like this whole thing is just going to turn out beautifully, no matter the little details! He wants us to remember nothing is set in stone yet and it could change, but I think we all can feel pretty secure that it's all going to be OK.
He sounds SO good and he knows what a HUGE blessing this is. We talked about a bunch of other stuff last night that lets me know his head and heart are both EXACTLY in the right place as far as his recovery and his faith both, I think whatever all he is about to experience and learn from this situation is going to do him SO much good. And he really just sounds like is getting kind of excited about and looking forward to being in the SAP dorm for a while and the relapse program, not only for recovery purposes but he was talking about how spiritual things there are much more open and he just really seems to be looking forward to it. And I am excited for him. I just think this whole thing is going to be really good. This was a bad thing to happen and it could have turned out worse, instead I think there are going to be a lot of good and positive things sprung from all this.
I know Brian's still got a long and hard road ahead and a lot of work in front of him but I think all this good news this week will just get him encouraged and excited more about getting himself back on the right track, even though it's not going to be easy and even harder with us being separated for so long.
The relapse program is either 6 or 12 weeks - we're not sure which - but sometime after that, hopefully, he may be able to move back into the honor dorm and things get truly back to "normal" for him and for us.
Still a little worried about what this might do to his parole possibilities but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
I know even though these next few weeks are going to seem like they pass slower than molasses here probably for me, they're going to be good ones just out of the amazement that this has turned out so well when it could have been SO much worse!! I know I'll be feeling sad and down at times being separated and kept apart from him for that long - we had planned two visits in August, and now we're going to get ZERO - but things have just turned out so much better than we feared. I can handle this, easy.
So, well, there you go. I think this is just another bump in the road for us and his recovery, but I really think this bump is going to lead to some very good and positive things down the road.
And when it comes down to it, whatever punishment and restrictions they were going to lay on Brian that he was going to have to deal with there alone were nothing to him compared to the things that were going directly affect me and his family, and the fact that he may have jeopardized his parole over this, too - all those things I think are going to be real good encouragement to NOT jeopardize all those things again. He's learning a big lesson from all this and the possibility of having lost our visits for three months alone pretty much scared him to death. Hopefully this experience will turn out to have been a big milestone in his recovery, his dealing with the prison thing, and our relationship.
So... life is good again! Maybe not exactly how I want it - if it were I'd be going down to visit again in a week and a half - but I'm not complaining, things could have been SO much worse.
We had so many good people hoping for us and praying and thinking good thoughts for us during this awful time and each and every one is so special and I am grateful beyond words to them all. And even though this news is mostly "after the fact" here on PTO, I appreciate all you guys and appreciate that there is this wonderful place where there are people that not only understand "the drug thing" but "the prison thing" too. Yay for PTO! :)
One day at a time, and today is another day and tomorrow will be another one...
Lys