i am soo confused right about now i am not sure what to do. i love my man to death and when he first got locked up we lost contact until i could make it down to were he is becuase they sent him out of town and when i went to see him it was soo hard to look at him and now when i go to visit him its hard not to look at him..i feel so hopeless on the other side with him stuck in there... and when he was calling before i would wait by the phone for the call and he would talk so sweet to me unlike before he went in there... before he got locked up he was really abusive and would beat me almost everyday:mad: and for some reason when he calls i get the same feelings i had before of how much i love him but part of me feels afraid.. i dont know what to do i am supposed to go to town in a few days to see him and i cant get myself to do it... i cant explain the feeling because i love him and would love to be with him again and he says that hes sorry for what happend and he wont do it again and things have changed but i have that feeling were i want to run run far away but i want him by myside while i do it... HELP!! what should i do?:confused:

If you were beat every day when he was out, please get away from him. Stop going to see him and concentrate on you. You need to talk to someone that understands what domestic violence is and get yourself out of that situation before he comes home and it happens again. sure, its easy to say anything when you're locked up. Always take actions ahead of words.

how do i know if he really changed though... i really care for him and i tried not seeing him and it lasted only 3 months then i had to give in... i just dont see me without him... maybe its becuase like i read somewhere else that its cuz i dont want to be alone but it so hard to picture me without him.

if he hits you once he will more than likey do it again so be aware......not saying he hasnt changed and not saying he has.....but becareful

angela

As someone who has been in 2 abusive relationships, I'm telling you, unless he is willing to go for counseling and/or anger management, etc., DO NOT take his "I'm sorry" and "I'll change" and "I'll never hit you again" to heart. He WILL hit you again unless he gets help.

I know that from the outside person's perspective, it's easy to say "walk away", etc., and I know that once someone gets inside your heart it's NOT that easy. Do what you have to do to separate yourself from him, for as long as it takes, and trust me, you WILL have a new perspective on the whole thing.

As someone who has been in 2 abusive relationships, I'm telling you, unless he is willing to go for counseling and/or anger management, etc., DO NOT take his "I'm sorry" and "I'll change" and "I'll never hit you again" to heart. He WILL hit you again unless he gets help.

I know that from the outside person's perspective, it's easy to say "walk away", etc., and I know that once someone gets inside your heart it's NOT that easy. Do what you have to do to separate yourself from him, for as long as it takes, and trust me, you WILL have a new perspective on the whole thing.

Girl I agree 110% with with Morrighan said. I too ahve been in an abusive relationship, and while he was incarcerated I heard all the I'm sorry's, and I'll never do it agains, and it wasnt even a week after he came home that he hit me. He NEEDS help, and until he gets the professional help that he needs, he probably will continue to abuse you. Encourage him to get help for his problems. I think from reading your profile he is in county jail? He can sign up for Anger Management classes while he is in, and hopefully come out a better person than he went in.

Encourage him to get help for his problems.

Guess what? HE doesn't have the problem - YOU do. That is, according to him. Encouraging, begging, etc. is never going to work unless he wants to change, and that's rare. He has to realize that when you're gone and he's lost what he loves, then "hey, I might have a problem"! I made the huge mistake of thinking that loving someone enough could change them. I paid the price with black eyes, concussions, bleeding ulcers, the works. Now he's someone else's nightmare and I couldn't be happier. Sure I cried, wanted him back, "why doesn't he love me?", "what did I do wrong?", etc. IT'S NOT YOU!!! Unfortunately, wanting someone to change and have them willing to change are two separate issues, and I had to learn the hard way that I can't solve everyone's problems. I'm responsible for my own happiness, and it wasn't getting beaten every day.

Well I'm gonna put my 2 cents in. As a former abuse victim, it was really hard (trust me) to leave him alone. It was better when he went to prison (not for abuse) because i didn't have to deal with it anymore. And yes i do hear the baby i won't do that and i'm sorry. Try to leave him slowly, don't answer the phone as much, don't write as much and act strong. When they see you are weak, they feed off that. When I would cry to my ex, he would see i had no control. Now we still talk on the phone only because of my daughter and i never let him know how life is and if he does ask i say all is good because i don't want him to see that i miss him and feel like i need him.

Just keep your head up and always pray. Trust me if works to get over it and if you just can't leave him alone, make him go through some kind of anger management or counseling and if he refuses, you know it was not worth it in the beginning.

A man who hits once might be worth hanging around and trusting that it won't happen again.
A man who is violent when he drinks/gets high and makes a genuine commitment to being clean and sober and voluntarily gets help with anger management, MAYBE.
A man who make a beating part of the daily routine? HELL NO!
I believe you love him... the problem here is that you don't love you.
Contact your local battered women's center and join the support group, that will help you gain some perspective while he is at a safe distance.
If you can't bring yourself to just cut the ties and call it a day,limit contact with him to only letters, that's something YOU can control far more than phone calls or visits because there is less of an "impulse" factor involved. Put a block on your phone if you don't feel you have it in you to refuse charges when he calls.
You deserve better. One last thing... I don't really want you to answer this for anyone but you....Would you defend someone who treated a child or even a dog the way this guy has treated you?

My husband was not physically abusive but very mentally. I was sad when he left and still am but I was also so very relieved. The past almost year has been so less streesing with him gone. Of course I too have heard all the appologies and what not. He sees the parole board Thursday and I almost hope he gets denied just because he has yet to admit that he did anything wrong, although he has appologized for it over and over. He doesn't feel he needs any help, he will just never let it happen again. Yes his is because he also is an alcoholic, which he also will not admit, but he has to be able to admit to that and to the emotional abuse he cause me and the children before he will ever change. He too seems so different right now but he says things that makes me know that he will drink again and I belive with the drinking will come the abuse. They apologize and try to fess up just to try to insure they have a place to go when they get out. I will probably not give my husband a place to go if he does get parole. He is currently on ISPI living in our motorhome in Alamosa and I think if he is granted parole I will ask him to continue to live in the motorhome here in Montrose until he has proven in actions not words. I do love him with all my heart but I have now grown to love my kids and myself more.

Just saw your post in another forum. This man is in for holding a gun to your head. You have given him many chances to change and he never has plus you are not the first woman that he has beat up. What is it that you love so much about this man? No amount of sweet words would make me want to go anywhere near this man again. You can't just wish this guy into a new attitude. If you're not willing to hold him accountable and make him show you with actions, like attending counseling or anger management classes, that he has changed then he probably won't. He needs to willingly participate in his change not just do what the DOC forces him to do or he'll have no reason not to do the same things he's done in the past once he is out.

Pebbles hon,

I hope that you are doing ok. Please keep us posted on how you are and what we can do to help guide you through this difficult time.

I have noticed you have not been on in a few days or posted.

Just to let you know you are being thought of.

Pebbles hon,

I hope that you are doing ok. Please keep us posted on how you are and what we can do to help guide you through this difficult time.

I have noticed you have not been on in a few days or posted.

Just to let you know you are being thought of.

ya i know i havent been doing so good..i go back to court with him on the 16th and i am not ready to do it again... i have been sooo stressed out about everything he is telling me things will change then we argue and i get that bad feeling again but i cant seem to get him out of my mind like i keep bringing it on to myself by writing him or answering when he calls... i hesitate but i cant ever not answer... i know excatly what he is going to say everytime how he is sorry and things will be different this time and how much he loves me and everything i just dont want to hear im sorry anymore i want things to change... but there is no way of knowing until he gets out but i dont want to be in that situation if he doesnt change... and if i go to court with him again im going to testify and he said i better not... i dont know what to do... i love him but i also believe for him to learn his lesson i cant let him off easy... am i thinking wrong? maybe i think i just love him because i dont want to be alone how do i really know if i love him or not... and why cant i get him off my mind and why do i dream about everything that happend every night... how do i get this all behind me i cant take it anymore... i mean there are people out there that have gone through worse then me but they are also older... i have been told that i am pretty young to be going through this right now but that doesnt help anything i want it behind me... i am ready to move on in life but i keep getting held back... :(

i hesitate but i cant ever not answer... i know excatly what he is going to say everytime how he is sorry and things will be different this time and how much he loves me and everything i just dont want to hear im sorry anymore i want things to change... but there is no way of knowing until he gets out but i dont want to be in that situation if he doesnt change...
You should look into getting a new phone number. I was the same way - always answering the phone when he called. The few times I didn't, he'd leave really sad messages on my voice mail. You know what? It was a ply to get back into my life & control me. I changed my phone number & the calls (of course) stopped. That was one of the first steps I took to move forward in my life.

and if i go to court with him again im going to testify and he said i better not...
He said you better not testify against him? That's his way of controlling you - by threatening you. He's not going to change, if he's telling you not to testify against him. He doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions.

maybe i think i just love him because i dont want to be alone how do i really know if i love him or not...
You need to take time to be by yourself. You need to find out who YOU are, independent of him. Go to a group meeting, or individual counseling. Write in a journal, turn off your phone & just unwind. You need to work through & process everything that has happened to you!

I think as Ca says couseling might be worth looking into so you know that you have help.

Doesn't it feel good, now, not to beat almost daily?

You already know the "I'm sorry's - I will never do it again" are meaningless just as much as he does.. The reason he continues to say those words, it works. He knows damn well he's not sorry - If he was truly sorry. He would have never abused you to begin with.... Here he sits behind bars telling you, "You better not testify." I can tell you just by those four little words - he's not sorry. I can almost bet you will pay dearly when he is released for having him locked-up. A man who threatens you while incarcerated is going to get you. You need to take what he says seriously - it's your life, don't let someone take your life away from you.

Your best bet right now is to contact the prison and tell them to block all communications from him. The sooner you cut all ties the quicker you will be able to focus on YOU. You are the only person you should be worrying about right now. Forget about him - he didn't give a damn about you. Especially when he placed a gun to your head an was going to take your life. He wasn't playing - that is not love...

If you think he will change, you're only kidding yourself. A man who abused you on a daily basis will not change. You can live without him in your life - you are doing it right now. Pebbles, there is a world full of men who would never dream of abusing you in any form. You do not deserve to be treated like a punching bag. You should never fear anyone especially in your own home.

Right now you have the perfect opportunity to get rid of this guy...I would advise you do it, or else next time he'll be incarcerated for killing you....By chance you have any children, you need to leave for them, if you cannot do it for yourself.

Take care of yourself!!

and if i go to court with him again im going to testify and he said i better not...

There's your answer right there. That's change??? Um...no. Like I posted before, it's been soooooo hard to get my ex out of my system, and believe me, he's still in there. But not talking to him and distancing myself from him have done wonders. Now I can honestly look at the situation I was in now that I'm out of it and realize that I don't deserve to be "loved" the way he supposedly loved me. Love isn't supposed to hurt honey. After my ex gave me a huge black eye, he promised he would never touch me again after he saw what he did to my face. That lasted all of about a month, then he was kicking me in the stomach and head.

Whether you're young, or old, or whatever, you are a human being and never, ever, deserve any abuse. He may actually love you in his own wierd way, but it's not the kind of love that anyone needs.

i am soo confused right about now i am not sure what to do. i love my man to death and when he first got locked up we lost contact until i could make it down to were he is becuase they sent him out of town and when i went to see him it was soo hard to look at him and now when i go to visit him its hard not to look at him..i feel so hopeless on the other side with him stuck in there... and when he was calling before i would wait by the phone for the call and he would talk so sweet to me unlike before he went in there... before he got locked up he was really abusive and would beat me almost everyday:mad: and for some reason when he calls i get the same feelings i had before of how much i love him but part of me feels afraid.. i dont know what to do i am supposed to go to town in a few days to see him and i cant get myself to do it... i cant explain the feeling because i love him and would love to be with him again and he says that hes sorry for what happend and he wont do it again and things have changed but i have that feeling were i want to run run far away but i want him by myside while i do it... HELP!! what should i do?:confused:

And people wonder how wife beatings happen over and over. Your note says it all. "before he got locked up he was really abusive and would beat me almost everyday" and now "he would talk so sweet to me" Ya, he's so sweet he holds a gun to your head. But, he has changed. Tell us how he changed? What has changed is that he is in prison and needs a friend on the outside to send him money, someone to talk to, somewhere to go once released and most of all, the feeling that someone cares about him.

I bet he talked real sweet after he beat you up everyday. How sorry he was and that it will never happen again. How often have you heard that?

Wake up!!!! Now is your chance to do the right thing for yourself. He's in prison and can't stop you from doing so. RUN.

If you go back into the mess and you most likely will (you have so many times before). Don't bother calling the police when it happens again. Because it is self inflicted. Let the cops help someone that needs it. Instead of wasting there time with someone wants to be beat up or worse.

--

He wants to keep you near thats why he tells you these things. And although you want him to change he has to want to do it. So it would be easier if you wanted to change yourself. And not accept the negativity he brings you and love yourself. (i dont know but) Part of your mental state or love for him probably the abuse because after or during thae abuse he says the i love u's and the this is why i did it cause i love u, or the telling you u aint no good, ugly, fat, skinny,etc.. that u start thinking how can i change to make him happy but u cant he is the misserable jealous person inside and to make him feel better he makes u feel like shit. So love yourself enuf to leave or i wish u luck on the hope that hes changed.

Girl take it from someone who was in an previous abusive relationship. I've heard all the excuses, the I'm sorry's, I will not do it again, and the best one of all "If I ever hit you again, I want you to leave me, and I will not try and stop you". They will say anything when they are locked-up. Oh yeah he knew that I loved him, and once he got out we got back together and things were fine at first, then one day out of the blue, he comes to me with some he say/she say mess, and knocked the hell out of me. At that point, I basically went into hiding in the same city that I lived in. I moved in with my father and transfered the kids school, and did not leave the house unless my father was with me. I got tired of hiding and decided to take my life back. I moved to another state and never looked back. Don't get me wrong, it is hard to get away from and stay away your abuser, if you love them, but just keep praying and stay strong and you will make it through! The day I finally felt any kind of relief was when my best friend called me and told me that his step-mother wanted me to call her. When I did and she told me that he was dead, I CRIED TEARS OF JOY!!!! My nightmare was finally over. I know that may sound mean, cold hearted and nasty, but that's how I felt.

i only have one thing to plead to you-he put a gun to your head to frighten you.the next time he may feel he has to 'show' you he means what he says.

the first time my husband pulled one of his guns out he knew he didnt have to scare me that way again.and he didnt.until after the divorce.when i fell in love and was thinking about marriage he bust down my door and shot at me.the first time he didnt shoot,the second time he did but missed.i didnt get married cuz i knew he would always make our life hell and i wanted JAMIE to know exactly what i was up against.to this day i am still with JAMIE and my exhusband is deceased.sometimes i still feel like he is around the corner or in my house,thinking he is gonna get me...and JAMIE.just b/c he is dead dont mean i dont still fear him cuz i do.

Read girl. I tell you what, I went thru the same exact thing, my ex abusing me, getting locked up, etc. etc. Well, he did 3 years for counterfeit and when he got out last year, I got back with him. His abuse was worse girl. He almost killed me last year over a cigarette. I pressed charges, but didn't show up because he had me feeling so guilty and we have two children. Under the parolle violations, he would have fit into the toughest category because it was a violent offense, so I went and had a long talk with his parolle officer. To make a long story short, he ended up violating his parolle for getting more charges and is now on his way back. I always told myself that I didn't want to be the reason for him to get locked back up, since I would feel that is was my own fault. My ex can manipulate his way back into my brain just like your man. No counselor or shrink in this world could help me, trust me, I tried and tried. You are always going to hear the same thing over and over, how you shouldn't be with him. Well hun, I read a few good books, Inside the minds of angry and controlling men, and another was Men that hate women and the women that love them. Try to figure out what's best for you, why you put up with it, why you allow him to treat you like he does. He is locked up right now and being the nicest guy to you right now, but that's because he is locked up and bored, probably has noone else, blah blah blah. Trust me, he won't change and if he does, please please make him go thru a probationary period with you. DO NOT get stuck in the same merry go round cycle. Do you remember how he made you feel? Are you happier now, alone without him, then being miserable, beaten up, laying beside him? Try to remember those feelings girl and that's exactly how its going to be when he gets out. It was great when me and my ex got back together, took 2 months for me to actually fully get back together with him, but once he knew he was in the door, it all turned exactly how it was before he was locked up.. GOOD LUCK, ultimately the decision is yours, but you on here writing about it and showing your fear is enough to know its not right. You know this too.