Hello everyone. I did 7 yrs. and just got out in Feb. of 02. I went in 95, for 2 cts. of 1st deg. robbery. I gave birth to my first and only child in prison in 96. I am a survivor, and am here to answer any questions you might have about prison and life afterwards.

I have plenty of homegirls in prison now who I faithfully remain in contact with. My brother in law is now doing a 30 yr stint for drugs, 3 10-yrs. boxcarred. Once he gets in a permanant location, I will post his address for him to get pen pals. Cause it's tuff and lonely in there w/no one to send a hello every once and awhile.

Later!

Glad to hear you made it out. And Congrats on making it for more than a year. Keep up the good work!!

Stacy

What, other than finding employement, has been the biggest challange for you? Was noise, sights etc over whelming? What advice can you give to those who are waiting for their loved ones to come home on how best to help them once they are home? Alot of people here have loved ones that have been in as long as you were and longer. They want to help make the transition from prison to life outside as easy as possible.

To answer some of your questions, here it goes: other than employment the hardest things for me WERE, looking both ways when crossing streets, (I must have 9 lives), car horns-traffic noises, super stores blew me away, the Internet was unbelievable, being able to hug and show affection was strange, and sleeping with someone took foreverrrrr...
what I have problems with to this day...ARE my attitude. It has gotten very, very cold over the years. I thought it would leave when I was released, I couldn't be more wrong. I even tried going to church to soften up a bit, but do to me and my husbands work schedule..it is hard to make it. I don't know if it will ever leave or not, but I'm wondering if it's like pregnancy...it takes 9 mths to get fat and 9 mths to lose...wonder if it'll take 7 yrs. to lose my attitude.
I have a customer service job, so I totally fake it at work, ( but I did have issues at the start) but when I am out and about, IT'S THERE. It's a part of me and no matter how hard I try to fight it, it wins everytime.
You asked what you can do for a loved one.
The main things that help are to help financially. We don't have a pot to piss in if someone doesn't help. As long as I was in, I needed clothes, shoes, just EVERYTHING. They will need transportation to look for a job. Help with bus tickets if it's cold or a far distance. Most work releases only allow us a certain time allotment to look for a job anyway.
Another is to listen to their 'war' stories. Don't criticize their stories, or laugh. Just listen. It was real as hell to them and they did what was best in their situation. Remember that being in prison, and your life out here are like comparing the pearly gates to the firey inferno of hell.
And one thing is true for all parolees...food is where the heart is. If they are doing state time, they treat them like dogs. Feds have it TONS easier and I don't care what they say!
State prisoners get fed shit, and only make about 1-2 dollars a DAY so they can't really afford food off canteen, so feed them. Anything will be appreciated. It's the one time you can cook/bake for someone and feel total gratitude!

Well said, LadySoldier,

I did not do near the time you did, but, human touch, I still crave it to no end. I cannot get enough of Linda's hugs. But, my emotions are so detached, if there at all. And when I do go there I feel, I mean really feel the emotion - anger, love depression, lots of swings. So I find I am having to shut myself down again, just to deal.

When they get home listen, just listen. No judgement, no reaction, just listen. It takes time to decompress, LadySoldier, if it takes the same amount of time to decompress as you were in, I should have been over this in June. I hope it goes faster for you than seven years. I wish it would for me. I wish I could sleep and sleep without the nightmares.

You are so right on the food! State keeps you hungry 24-7, never enough and what there is stinks.

So, as LadySoldier said you will know total gratitude.

Patti

Hey girl!
You have nightmares, too?
I have them like every stinkin' night. They are either about me going back, or helping someone escape, or reliving moments I had in prison. Whatever they are, they are definitly nightmares! I think it's such a coincidence that the prison where I rotted away in, was on Elm. St. and all of our sidewalks there spell 'HELL' if you are in a plane and see from up above. Nightmare on Elm St. for real!

Thank God!

In an odd way, I'm relieved that I am not the only one! I keep reliving the day I was transferred to state. Can still feel the shackles on my ankles and wrists. I don't get more that four to five hours sleep a night and am always interrupted by the nightmares. I've tried everything from Dream Catchers to sleeping meds to stop them, with no luck!

Patti

After 40 years, thing still raise's it's ugly head from time to time when things are going a bit off kilter. I don't think I'll ever forget hearing/feeling the "cuff's" closing!

Sometimes it's hard being here at PTO, because it's a daily reminder of what was. But again, being here, gives some purpose in what was, with hope that it can turn to something good for a change.

I to don't sleep much I have nightmares most every night. I thought I would go crazy some times and sit in the room with lights glowing so I could see if any one came afte me. It is something I will never forget but am praying I get over. I to have some trouble coming to PTO hearing the stories and having to relive it over and over but I also found comfort and healing here. All we can do is go on and try to put it behind us it's like coming back from viet nam no one wants you and everyone thinks your evil. It's a hard road inside but it's harder out sometimes. cindergirl

I came home on March 17th after only a very, very short time in and my status changed again only last Thursday from out pending appeal, to on probation of one kind or the other for the next six years.

I was so, so very fortunate, and I know it, I have a loving family, a job where those who know, both support and believe in me enough that two weeks after I hit the gate, I was working for the same company I was before my arrest.

But, it seems to be becoming harder and harder for me, you would think that I would want to take a vaction from PTO, but I am drawn more since Thursday.

Though I have trouble like the others coming to PTO, the only ones who really understand are here. Plus, the knowledge that if I can help just one person who is or has gone through a similar ordeal, then everything I am dealing with is worth it. I too find comfort and healing here.

Cindergirl, Thank you, for making me realize I am not going insane!

I have sat in this house at times with every light on! For the same reasons as you and when Linda is away overnight on business, especially, I am so, so insecure right now! That is an experience in of its self, never really had the lack of confidence in anything before. Wish I knew how to get it back.

Will she come back? She always does but the question remains, does she still Love me, after everything? I know the answer is yes, so why do I continually ask that question now?

Sorry, enough of my pity party!

Patti

Dear Soldierlady, what a powerful name, it sounds really cool, and I think that you are truly a miracle. I too was incarcerated, for 3 1/2 years. I got out in 2000. Today, I look at life as being the most important asset that I have. Life is precious, because when it's over we can't experience no more of it. Your life is precious because you survived, You can give so much to any women facing prison time, because of your experience. It's all about cleaning up the wreckage of our pasts, and coming home a better person. You have the ability to share with others what prison is like and you may help another to not get on that downward spiral we traveled. There are so many kids out there that benifit from stories like ours, because we don't glamorize prison life, we tell them what's up. As long as I breathe, life goes on. No matter if it's good or bad, it's still life. Good luck to you in all you do.
Aloha, Kaleilehua

oh yes, thank you ladysoldier for starting this thread thingy.
i have been thinking about EVERYTHING you guys have mentioned. as some of you know, billy has done 10 yrs & 7 months on a 20 yr. sentence.

just recently i have been thinking about what it would be like for him to come home (even if it is after 13 yrs w/being incarcerated...or the full 20)...for him to come home after being away for SO long. i dont know why i have been worrying about this. actually i do. this was his 1 and ONLY ADULT CRIME...he was given such a harsh sentence...he has spent 1/3 of his life in prison. EVERYTHING has changed. he went in in 93, its now 03.

i know that he wont have any "old friends" to go back to, because they all deserted him when he went in, all he has is me, dad, grandma, bro & sis in law, nieces & nephews. thats it! he wont have his own home to come home to (it will be mine--not his until he gets his name on the lease-gots 2 be legal! lol ) :( he has practically ZERO skills...(although he use 2 work out in the gulf on a rig prior to his conviction).

i dont know where i am going with this, but i just get SO frusterated. i know that when he gets out. i just KNOW that it is going to be not only a culture shock, but it will be a major change....i kept thinking that maybe i could get him into a 1/2 way house--or whatever it is called. just for the structure, and the whole--people telling you what to do when to do it..just for a short while after he gets out. i am so worried about how HE will be when he is released.

he has told me that when he gets out, he REFUSES to wear white clothes (they make him wear white in there). he plans on getting a job ASAP...

ALRIGHT, after i go on & on & ON about all that stuff. here is my question. i am just SO worried about how he will be mentally when he gets out. i mean if they let him out in 06 he will have done 13 yrs. i was thinking. maybe counseling...have any of you that have been incarcerated--did you see a counselor..and if so did it help...?
thats really the only questoin i have as of now....

damn, i never thought about the dreams. i cant even imagine what you guys saw while in there. --while you were incarcerated..did you have any of these dreams? or did it start once you were released?

i never realized how much billy will be relying on me when he gets released..(although i know it is still a few yrs away, i like to be prepared..lol). :) anyways, im going no where with this posting. i hope it made sense.

Soldierlady, Patti, B-Ray, and everyone else that shared here... thanks alot for making me remember so much 'crap' I went through upon my release! LOL :) I'm just kidding! Actually, after being on the outside for nearly 5 years now, I still have my days where my past weighs in on me.

I don't look at my experience as a negative one, nor would I change a day of it if I could. I think we all have a road to travel, unfortunately for many of us, this includes serving time.
I know exactly what ya'll mean about the 'attitude' that you can't seem to lose. It took me quite some time to get past that... and it was something I consciously worked on daily. Now for those nightmares....

When I was first locked up, for about the first 6 months... I don't think I slept one solid night. I would wake up at all hours in cold sweats, shaking, just totally upset. During my incarceration, my 'dreams', for the most part, centered around my crime and my victim. Eventually they slowed down, until finally one night, I didn't see Bill (the victim in my crime) in my sleep anymore.
Presently.... 5 years later... there are still nights when I wake up at 3am because I could have swore I heard a guard yell, "Head count!".. or something similar. Those nights are few and far between now, but they are still there from time to time.

It is very hard readjusting to the 'free world' again.... and we are all living examples that it can be done! (((HUGS))) to you all.

Jodygirl

Hey Ladysoldier great post, it brings the memories flooding back, from a personal viewpoint I've done 3 sentances and the second one which was a six and a half was definitely the worst purely by virtue of the way it all went, 6 months into the remand bit my partner decides she'd had enough so bye bye house/s car money etc, but being left alone to face 2 trials and having some guy living in your house with your kids is mindbending to say the least, especially when your in jail. Anyway after 14 months I get 3 yrs,get no parole so with 8 weeks to go the second trial comes up. I get found guilty of some lesser charges and the judge gives me 3 1/2 consecutive. NICE!!! So because of the increase in sentance off I go to a higher security rated jail to be re-catagorised. HMMMM....I thought I was out in 8 weeks really wanted to see my kids now how do I tell them sorry, just got another 36 months to do. So back on the merry go round, the long and the short of it was I done most of the 3 1/2 and came out with £42 some clothes at my mothers and my ten yr old son waiting for me. I got on a train to come home and it was heavy,too many people and u think they are all looking at you "the ex con", colours so vibrant, too many people, carpet under your feet, going to the fridge all those things.

I have brought my son up alone ever since that day and things are cool. But the point is I have a real bad attitude problem with authority, I used to have nightmares but they gradually decrease. The one thing is you never ever ever forget what you went through.

I've just finisheda 4 1/2 been out 15 months, got no parole how unusual and I done it easyish,but had support this time from my son! But can you believe it I got dear johned again by my partner of 10 yrs, call me lucky ..... got a lot of hassle from the screws, moved a lot but that was the police and judicery playing games as they had the real hump with me and my co d. I just want to say I admire you all for the honesty and love you all freely give. Yet we are made out to be second class citizens. I don't think so.

Everyone one sure hit on some real points.

One thing I learned is Life never goes as planned.

I use to daydream myself to death, imagining what I would do when I hit those gates. How I would feel, who I would miss that would be left behind, what goals I would accomplish...

it was soooo not as I planned. If you're a female, you 'assume' your boyfriend/fiance/husband' at the time will come back to you. You figure, yeah, he has went his own way (especially if you did 7 yrs!), but once I get out, he'll come back. It doesn't happen, and you're confused, hurt beyond belief, and bewildered.
I gave birth to my only child in there, thinking I would get him back once I got on my feet.
That never happened.
Suddenly realization sinks in. It opens your eyes, and wipes your nieve (sp) look at life away.

What once was, is no longer.

That is why I consider myself a soldier. I'm a lady because I behave like a woman who respects herself.

I fight, I push, I stay determined, I struggle, I stay focused to stay on top of my frustrations. Not let them stay on top of me.

Your story is such an inspiration. Returning after 7 years is awesome. I have a friend that is doing 3 years. Tell us what are you're secrets for success? What are the common mistakes you've seen others make to end up back in the system? When I go for visitation or J tells me what the other inmates are in for, it's always parole/probation violations. People have told him parole is worst than being inside - cause you have a constant threat of parole/probation officer who controls your fate and can put you back into the nightmare all over again.

I'd be glad to share my secrets for success..when they're not 'secrets' anymore..maybe excons's will "Get It"

First of all alot of prisoners don't DO enough time. I know they will piss and moan hearing that...but WHATEVER.


It's true. 98% of short termers came thru those gates like there was a m/f'n revolving door on them!!
5% of long termers came back.

I email and talk to excons and you can tell a big difference in attitude in between the two when they are out here on parole. From the short termers ... they sound totally under pressure to not drink, not do drugs, to be in on time on curfew..etc.

You hear the released former long termers talk more about how happy they are to be out...their goals..etc.

If they sat their ass in prison ( a state hopefull-cause they're not as lenient as a federal prison) ... for a long time..they have went thru HELL.
People, even ones who you were deeply in love with, turn on you. The letters stop coming.
You get your kids taken from you, you can't do anything when you here you child had it's first words, first step..or got abused...NOTHING.
It's pure torture. But it's punishment. And the longer you are taken away from life's treasures -- the HARDER YOU WANT TO KEEP THEM WHEN YOU GET OUT!

My success is because 7 1/2 yrs. in HELL has made me change. I no longer have a temper that leads to me assaulting anyone. I NEVER hurt anyone. I don't get even w/anyone..I let nature take it's course. When u do bad to someone..it'll kick you in the ass a hundred times worse.

I don't use drugs, have no desire. Don't drink. Anything that is gonna land me in prison...I DON'T DO. Pretty simple.

The question is: Do you have the will??

Doing short time. I found a big difference with women I was writting that were down for 2 yrs or less and the ones that are doing TIME.

It doesn't take but a few letter to see the "short timers" still have the attitude. And most, will have what they left behind when they hit the gates, including hanging with the wrong group.

I also found that some had a long history (10/15 yrs) of in and out with a 6 to 9 month gape before getting busted again. Some just lives that life style and others finds a way to servive when they can't put together a life of the basic's.

It feels good to find some women that will fight the fight to stay out and put a life together!

I really admire your strength Ladysoldier. My baby has been away for 9 years and he goes up for parole Oct. 2004. Sometimes he questions the things I say to him and he says it's becuz so many have made the same promises and have broken each one. We have known each other for 11 years and we used to write each other a whole lot years before. But I got distracted and stopped writing him...5 years later i found him and I wrote him and apologized. During those 5 years i really missed him and realized how much I love him. I told him. So when you mentioned how people disappear and how the letters stopped coming, it made me realize how important it is for me to keep writing and it inspires me. Thank you for all that you wrote cuz you are helping me understand him more and more.

Ladysoldier, question, I have a sister doing a 7 in tx for armed robb. She was 16 when she went in... and while I did ten for similar, I have had little trouble getting reacclimated, what was it like being a female, is there anything i need to prep her for? Also, the dreams. I have thought about doing a study on prison nightmares, the escape dreams, the violation and going back ones and the like... There is something there. Good post and good to hear from you.
G2- Retired Banker.