Hi there everyone,

I got the idea for creating a thread such as this from another forum on PTO. Obviously, I have changed the wording of the original thread so that I do not start making duplicate threads. However the whole purpose of this thread, would be to post any funny jokes, stories, etc. that we have! That way we can keep them all in the same place. Just an idea, I am not sure if it will take off. :rolleyes:

- Ben.

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Lines to pick up regular chicks

Your parents must be retarded, because you're special
You must be high jumper, because you make my bar rise
Your name must be Windex, because I can see myself in you
Your name must be Visa, because your body is everywhere I want to be
Your daddy must have been a terrorist, because you are the bomb!
You're the one I've been saving this seat for
Nice legs...what time do they open?
Can I flirt with you?
I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.
You've got 206 bones in your body. Want one more?
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning
If I were you, I'd have sex with me
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
If you were the last woman and I were the last man on earth, we could do it in public.
Baby, I'm an American Express lover. You shouldn't go home without me.
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock
Wanna play house? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long
I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
[Grab her tush] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns
You must be a library book 'cause I've been checking you out
Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet
You must be a parking ticket, cause you got fine written all over you
You remind me of a compass, because I'd be lost without you.
Your feet must be tired -- 'cause you've been running through my mind all day!
You're so hot, you must be real reason for global warming
You look a lot like my next girlfriend
Screw me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
Hi, I'm Bill Clinton, but you can call me Bubba!
Pardon me, I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
I'm new in town, can you give me directions to your apartment?
Do you have any Irish/German/Spanish/Italian/etc. in you? (She says: No) Want some?
Hi, how do you feel today? (She says: Fine) I asked how you felt, not how you look!
Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (She says: No) Wanna go upstairs and talk?
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN...How much have you been drinking?
If I gave you negligée for your birthday, would there be anything in it for me?
I hang out here to avoid the pressures of being a Kennedy
I'm writing a phone book, can I have your number?
Excuse me miss, but I've always wanted to date a supermodel
Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
If I told you you had a beautiful body/chest, would you hold it against me?
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together
What good is inheriting 2.7 million dollars when you have a weak heart?
Do you believe in love at first sight...or should I walk by again?
I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away!
If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business
If I follow you home, will you keep me?
How about you and me have a party - and invite your pants down
I'm a fertility god in some underdeveloped nations
Is your last name Gillette? Because you're best a man can get!
I'm gay, straighten me out!
I'm joining the priesthood tomorrow
My roommate's a sound sleeper!
You see my friend over there? He wants to know if you think I'm cute
Stand still so I can pick you up!
You're so hot, when I look at you I get a tan
Can you catch? I think I'm falling for you
Take me drunk, I'm home!

Extra romantic lines to pick up hot chicks

If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you
The last time I saw you, I was dreaming
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
Give a rose to her and say: I wanted to show this rose how beautiful you are
Is there a rainbow here? Because you're the treasure I've been searching for
Do you have a map? (She says: No, why?) Because I keep getting lost in your eyes
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look bad
Excuse me, do you mind if I stare at you for a minute? I want to remember your face for my dreams
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
Didn't I see you on the cover of Vogue?
Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?
I must have died and gone to Heaven, because I am seeing an angel!
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes
If you spot her waiting in a restaurant/theater/club: If he doesn't show up, I'll be right over here
What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
You're so beautiful, I can't believe God didn't keep you for himself
If water were beauty you'd be an ocean

Lines to pick up redneck chicks

The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means there's more room for your tongue
Honey, I'm hotter than a rooster in a hen house!
Why do you think they call it a pick-up truck?
You ever wonder why they call the back of a pick-up truck the BED, baby?
I know we're cousins, but this is Arkansas.
I got a six pack of Busch and the new Hank Williams Jr. CD
Baby you're finer than a new set of snow tires.
Wanna see the new Velvet Elvis painting I just hung in my trailer?
God wants us to be together. That's why he gave us the same parents!
You're prettier than a beer truck pulling up in my driveway
Get in the truck, sis!

Pick-up lines for elves only

I'm down here!
Just because I've got bells on my feet doesn't mean I'm a sissy!
I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys
I'm a magical being. Take off your bra
I get a thimbleful of tequila into me and I turn into a wild man!
You'd look hot in a Raggedy Ann wig
All day I make toys -- all night I make love
We don't see many happening' ladies north of the Arctic Circle
That's quite a set of ornaments you've got there
I can get you off the naughty list
I'll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly
I've got something you can hang a wreath on

Pick-up lines that just won't work

Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
(Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not going to suck itself
Hi, my name is ____. Don't forget it, because you'll be screaming it later on tonight.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag
That shirt is very becoming on you. If I were on you, I'd be coming too.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away
I'm a necrophiliac. How good are you at playing dead?
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you
If you were a booger I'd pick you first
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?

God wants us to be together. That's why he gave us the same parents!

I cried with laughter when I read this one! Too funny! :D

I just love this joke because it reminds me when my boys were young they pulled something almost just like this...enjoy!!

Cussing 101
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it’s about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with ‘hell’ and you say something with 'ass'.
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast. He replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!"

This made me laugh my butt off...the whole thing was great!!



Lines to pick up redneck chicks

The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means there's more room for your tongue

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY


After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.


So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.


The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10"


The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."


"Trust me," said the doctor.


So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...


"1"


"2"


"3"




"4"


"5"





At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.


This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia and Washington DC & sometimes in New York!

Scojay,

I love the cussing 101. I got that email the other day and it really made me laugh!!

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

LMAO too funny i wish i had found this thread earlier........:D

angela

Hey Rach, I love that one!! :)

:haha: These are too funny! :ha:

A woman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the woman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, "Good trade."



Adam And Eve's Nationality

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are definitely Russian!"


A man goes into a restaurant with his wife.

The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order.

"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," the man says.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.

"Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."





Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted.

"We say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."



A drunk walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink. "Get out" says the bartender. "I don't serve drunks here".

The drunk staggers out the front door, only to come back in through the side door. He sits at the bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink.

"I just told you to get out, didn't I? Now LEAVE!".

The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the side door and, comes back inside through the back door. Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for a drink.

The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at the drunk and yells "I TOLD YOU, NO DRUNKS ALLOWED, NOW GET OUT!!!".

The drunk looks up at the bartender and slurs "How many bars do you work at, anyway?".