Isn't it strange how many of us go through are honey moon stage, then it heads to jelousy then he tries to kill you but when you handel it with the maw they try to make it better from behind bars that if we drop all charges or if he has to serve time everything will be OK and he promisses you it will never happen again... But do they really change or does it just get worse?

It really depends on the individual person. Me personally i feel that an abuser can change but it takes a long time. I didn't sit around and wait for the change though. I got out! So many women feel that these men will change and then it's to late!

People can change, but they won't be able to do it on their own. It's hard work and just sitting behind bars doing time won't change a single thing. That is not enough. They need psychological help and need to find ways to be able to deal with their anger and frustration inside without letting fists say how they feel.

If I were you, I wouldn't get sucked back in by that second honeymoon. In fact, I was you, and I didn't. Don't drop the charges, don't believe a word - believe the actions that put him there!
As for change, very,very rare . . . and as they've said above very hard work over a very long time ('way longer than his probable sentence if you don't drop the charges).

What you are describing is called the cycle of abuse. It just gets worse and worse everytime he abuses.
I won't say abusers will never change. I guess some do or can but I would not stay with someone who has a hx of abuse or abuses me.

I feel that still keeping the hope that their loved one will change is what keeps people stuck in the violence.

Its what Kept me there. Oh he will quit drugs, quit abusing me, if only he didn't drink and do drugs he would be nicer. The truth is, he was not like that when he was not using, he was still abusive, jealous and it bothered me and made me feel uncomfortable. At least its my hope that I would not. and notice the red flags a lot sooner, BEFORE I am so involved, that it's harder to get out.




Cycle of Abuse (http://www.safehome-ks.org/abuse/edu/dviolence/cycle.htm)

All You Girls Gave Me The Chills Reading Your Post And It's So True.... And That's What I Told My Babies Daddy Just Because Your In There Im Not Stopping The Charges I Need To See You Try To Change Yourself The Only Thing I Can Do Is Put You Away So I Know I Am Safe And My Kids... I Hope That We Get More Replies So Maybe Some Girls Will Realize As Well As Myself More Than Likely There Will Be No Hope For Are Man To Change... God Bless All Of You...

Good for you, hon! Don't back down!!!

Well,truthfully I feel that a man that hits a woman is not a man,but a scared lil boy....We can't beat up a man and they know that,so why put your hands on me,when you know you'll win,it's cause they have issues with themselves,you can't fix it,only they can and it's rare..I was in a abusive relationship when I was 16-19,we had a 3 year relationship,he would beat me up,kick my car etc..One day,I waited till he was past out on liqour,good and sleep,I tied a pair of my panty hoes around his Penis and testicles,kinda tight,but not tight enough to wake him,from the pressure,his bussiness swelled up so bad he had to go to emergency to have the stocking that now looked like a rubberband removed...He never put his hands on me again,and any other woman let him tell it....As soon as you don't fear them,they move on to the next woman....It takes them to want to change,but it rarely happens,my opinion is,it takes more than counseling,they need JESUS!!!

http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;10722;93/st/20071128/e/Big+Daddy+comes+Home/dt/-3/k/f138/event.png

I tied a pair of my panty hoes around his Penis and testicles,kinda tight,but not tight enough to wake him,from the pressure,his bussiness swelled up so bad he had to go to emergency to have the stocking that now looked like a rubberband removed...He never put his hands on me again,and any other woman let him tell it....

LoL if he didn't learn his leson by you doing that something's wrong... But that is also a good one for me to know. And like I keep telling him he wants to come home when he gets out and I said no I need at least a year of him being out to live with him again and that means if we both need counseling I'll do it, but he also needs to go to church with us every sunday and let the lord into his heart...

If you're going to go to counseling, then there are important things to know...his needs to be an abuse counselor, not a relationship counselor, DO NOT go to couples counseling (you'll be honest, and then he'll find a way to abuse you with it), do not go to his counseling with him, never let him go to yours - you get a completely different counselor for yourself.

Thank's I was going to have him go to domestic violence and anger manmagement classes but I never even thought of the fact if I go with him I can just make it worse....

If you're going to go to counseling, then there are important things to know...his needs to be an abuse counselor, not a relationship counselor, DO NOT go to couples counseling (you'll be honest, and then he'll find a way to abuse you with it), do not go to his counseling with him, never let him go to yours - you get a completely different counselor for yourself.

Excellent advice!!:D

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If they change, they don't change fast. There is a very low percentage of men who are abusers who change. If they do, it takes years, and I mean years. The other thing is that they lie, lie, lie. All they want is to control. And they'll say/do anything to that end.

Don't let him brainwash you. I don't think you can do anything about the charges-probably in the State's hands.....and that's for your protection! Call the courthouse and find out who your victim advocate is, then call, meet and talk to her about this. They have heard everything, nothing shocks them. I was in the exact situation you are in once...my victim advocate was my angel!!!!!! My hero!!!!!!

P.S. Also, Anger Management is not effective for abusers. They need a good quality abusers program that lasts about 2 years. Yes, 2 years at least.

Oh and FaithfulWifey, you cracked me up on the pantyhose thing......and you are dead on with that advice!!!!!

Oh and FaithfulWifey, you cracked me up on the pantyhose thing......and you are dead on with that advice!!!!!

Lol,:D he had it coming!!

http://tickers.tickerfactory.com/ezt/d/4;10722;93/st/20071128/e/Big+Daddy+comes+Home/dt/-3/k/f138/event.png

As soon as you don't fear them,they move on to the next woman....
I have to disagree with this comment. My ex-husband hurt me worse when I did stand up to him/tell him he didn't scare me. The only thing that stopped him was me moving, getting a restraining order & him ending up in jail.

Thanks to all of you... I never dropped the charges the dective is me 24/7 and i'm not going to lie I'm scared when he gets out what he's going to do to me....

Good for you for not dropping the charges!!!

Please, do the right thing for yourself. Do you want to be with someone who you are scared of?

that's why since he's in there i even told him i will stay by you for u to get help but hosnestly i dont want to live my life veryday as it may be my last because my man was being jelous i went to see my babies grow up...

Hon - check through the forum stickies for tips on how to stay safe when he gets out. Don't leave it for later, think about it NOW. Then you'll have a head start.
Stick to your guns!! Good Luck.

I have to disagree with this comment. My ex-husband hurt me worse when I did stand up to him/tell him he didn't scare me. The only thing that stopped him was me moving, getting a restraining order & him ending up in jail.

Well,all abuser's are different,If we could predict them then we would'nt be abused...I am happy you were able to move away to safety,that's the most important thing..:)

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They do change, after getting out, but for the WORSE. My children's father did not abuse me as much, after he got out, but when he did, it was worse than before. And Prison builds up their Anger I swear. I don't know about the Prison your man's in, but alot of Prisons are filled with Violence and Gangs. The men have got to show their Masculinity and Fight, which is not good for anyone, including you because when he gets out, who is he going to direct his anger and problems out on, You. That's just my experience. Good Luck to you.

Thank You Hun For The Info And That's What Im Scared About Im Barely Receiving Letters The Co's Stop The Hold And He Always Tells Me Know Matter What I May Think He's A Cahnged Man I Told Him He Can Show Me Hows He Changed But Were Not Living Together..... I Still Have That Anger With Him From Hurting Me....

Thank You Hun For The Info And That's What Im Scared About Im Barely Receiving Letters The Co's Stop The Hold And He Always Tells Me Know Matter What I May Think He's A Cahnged Man I Told Him He Can Show Me Hows He Changed But Were Not Living Together..... I Still Have That Anger With Him From Hurting Me....

I learned not to drop the charges. I did that the first time and he did it again. Then I didn't drop the charges even though I still loved him. I wanted him to learn from it that he won't get off - that's it's a serious thing and that he should pay the cost for it. I feel that him serving over 2 years will be the best lesson he'll have learned. I also believe if a man is serious about changing, he'll work his own program while inside - attend AA or NA, behavior classes, read books on abuse, anger and addiction, pray and read the bible and put God first in their life. These are the first steps and Yes, I believe it will take years of them doing all these things and getting counseling for them to have lasting change to never abuse again. Trust your instincts. What action is he taking to change and improve his ways?

the honeymoon phase is just one in the cycle of manipulation.

As has been said, it is very rare that an abuser changes. Especially one that has gone to the point of trying to kill you.

Run.

Right now he "says" he's going to school and taking group counseling and will be enrolling in programs when he gets out for anger, and his drug abuse (which is not a parole requirement) he also wants us to strat family counseling and he's going back to school.... But I will only know when he proves it to me and he will need to prove it to me while were not living togethere so that he can build trust again....

Is your man in jail for his conviction for dv?


I learned not to drop the charges. I did that the first time and he did it again. Then I didn't drop the charges even though I still loved him. I wanted him to learn from it that he won't get off - that's it's a serious thing and that he should pay the cost for it. I feel that him serving over 2 years will be the best lesson he'll have learned. I also believe if a man is serious about changing, he'll work his own program while inside - attend AA or NA, behavior classes, read books on abuse, anger and addiction, pray and read the bible and put God first in their life. These are the first steps and Yes, I believe it will take years of them doing all these things and getting counseling for them to have lasting change to never abuse again. Trust your instincts. What action is he taking to change and improve his ways?

RMD - please remember what I said months ago - he needs Abuse classes, not anger management. And NO family counseling. None. That's for when the two of you have a disagreement, which is not the case here. You behaved like a normal person, he had the problem. That doesn't take family work, just him working on his stuff. And don't be fooled by the drug classes - most abusers seem to need drugs or alcohol, and they do use them as excuses, but they will abuse you regardless of whether they're high or not.

I'm not really impressed with taking classes. many times they are forced to, and when they are not - what does that prove? They've nothing better to do. and they know it looks good.