Hi! I am New to this forum, and would like to tell you my story and see if you all could tell me anything to help me understand my feelings better.

My Boyfriend is in Polk Correctional Institute in Butner NC. He has been there since last september. Before that he was in the county jail in McDowell County where we live. :( , The reason he is in prison is Assault with a deadly weapon inflicting serious injury. His victim was ME!:mad:! He started hitting me not long after we moved in together. But he never really hurt me and I thought I could handle him. A few months later he had gotten worse. One night he hit me with the butt of a 357 revolver in the head several times. We were not fighting, he just got mad over a video game. That same night, he beat me from the waste down with a wooden practice sword. Immediately he was sorry but the damage was done. I had knots on my head and bruises in stripes all down my bottom and thighs. A few (like 3) days later, he lost it again, this time he beat me with the pistol so much that I had to be taken to the hospital. I thought I would die. But I survived. After a few more days when I was unable to work, I finally got to go back to work, and my boss helped me go to the police. He was arrested that evening.

As hurt as I was, I was also worried about him. I know he can't stand to be locked up, he couldn't even stand to be in the house for very long. He likes the outdoors too much.

He was given a plea bargain of 2 to 3 years prison, 5 years probation, with a two year suspended sentence.

Now he is in Polk CI, and he has written me several times. I recently found out he was doing drugs at the time, which I had no idea, they were prescription drugs and I never saw him take them. Oxycontin and Pain Killers of some other type. He has apologized profusely and I know he really loves me:( , and I really love him despite everything that has happened. I really want to believe him when he says he will never do it again. I really want to be with him again. But I am also scared :confused: , because it could happen again. Sometimes I feel so good about our relationship and others I think I am making a huge mistake.

He isn't allowed to contact me (though he does in letters) and for the duration of his probation, he can't come near me or he goes back in prison. I don't want to be the reason he goes back to prison, but I would like the chance to see how he is and see if he has changed.

Am I crazy for still loving him? I don't know. Should I see him when he gets out next year? Or stay away? Is it worth the risk of getting hurt again? My heart says yes, my mind says no.


Can any of you relate to this?

HELP!

first of all, welcome to PTO! you will find a lot of support and good advice here. now, about your situation. stay away from that "man"! there is never an excuse or a reason for a man to hit a woman! :angry: he sounds like he is a very dangerous person to have any sort of contact with. regardless of whether he was on prescription pills or not, he's a very violent man. it hurts my heart that you stayed with him after he hit you the first time and that you still want him after he has beat you so bad! IMO, you need to start focusing on yourself and you need to learn how to respect yourself enough that you will know you don't deserve someone who treats you that way. you are better than that! my dad always told me, once an abuser, always an abuser. that seems to be true from the experiences i've been in and heard about. and you're worried about him??? honey, you need to worry about yourself!!! stop making excuses for his behavior and wondering if he's changed and go find yourself a real man, one that treats you with the respect and compassion you deserve. i could go on and on about why you shouldn't be with this man, but i know that you probably won't listen to me, you need to find that out for youself. so i suggest you do some serious soul searching. take a step back from the situation, what would you recommend if it was one of your close friends or one of your sisters? no one deserves to be in an abusive relationship. and if you ask me, an apology from an abuser is just a lie and another chance for him to hit you again. what will it take? you've already been in the hospital, does he have to kill you before you see what kind of loser he is??? i'm not trying to be disrespectful or hurtful to you, but you are in a very dangerous relationship and i don't want to see you get hurt any more than you already have! take care and feel free to IM me any time!

He needs some serious help. Move on now sweetheart while it will be easier. Find someone to show you that love does not kill you. Its seems to me that he killed your self esteem. Dont give him the chance to go any further in his actions. Some can change, but as abusive and and the cruel
things that he did I would Not bet my life on it. So go find your soulmate sweetie and enjoy your time on earth!!!!

My man is serving a 2 year sentence for domestic violence against me. He was heavy into meth and sherm at the time. He knows he has a drug problem and hangs out with the wrong people and he wants to change that. We're moving on and away from his old influences and we plan on starting fresh and getting married when he gets out. There's a 5 year no contact order between us (we write though) and I'm working on getting it terminated. I have to wait till he's released so we can have a hearing since it was a felony conviction :(
Your man sounds like he has more problems than just drugs, his actions were crazy! You need to weigh the pros and cons of being with him, make sure you completely feel he has changed. Look into the drugs he says he was on and see if they can cause a person to act that way. Suggest he to go to Domestic Violence and Anger Management classes.
I hope this helps!! Good luck and I hope he truly has changed and you can both move on to a better life. :)

Are you interested in him coming home and you possibly being subject to more violence like what you described? You're worried about someone that beat you with a 357? Suppose, just suppose he comes home and gets another 357 and uses the other end of it in his rage?? Unless he is getting some serious mental health care, both in prison and upon release, you are making a big mistake. You really do need to get a lot of feedback from members of PTO and you need to listen to what they say. Otherwise, I feel you are going to be a victim again. From what you describe, this is deadly serious.

Welcome to PTO!

Below are some links that I would like you to look into. If you need anymore information please feel free to ask. Welcome to PTO. And I hope you find the support you need here.

Noone can tell you what to do. Only give their own experiences, and tell you what they did. How they left or what made them stay.

All I can say is Domestic Violence is a VERY serious and life threatening thing to deal with. Not only does it ruin the one one who live with abuse but it ruins the lives of kids who experience domestic violence in the home.

Good luck.

Cycle of Violence (http://www.edvp.org/AboutDV/cycle.htm)


Safety Plan (http://www.edvp.org/AboutDV/safetyplan.htm)

Protecting yourself (http://www.edvp.org/AboutDV/protecting.htm)

Chemical Dependency and Domestic Violence (http://www.edvp.org/AboutDV/chemical_dependancy.htm)

u n that second gurl who just keeps making excuse after excuse dont hurt urselves more than these cowards feel sorry for ur selves u r the victims tey take drugs cause thats there escape from who they r i lived that life n we take the blame for them all tyhe time there is never u hear any reason for a man to put his hand on u none.abuse is a hunger to abuse something n most of the time is our weakness for them that attracts the abuse they know we fear them.I will tell u this if u 2 dont leave them alone cause thats wat they need in order for them to find the cure for themselves then the hitting will never stop n one day u or he going to be one in jail n the other serving time thanxs for hearing me out

:) Welcome :)

Dear Dear Ravage,

I was married to an abuser for 10yrs and to tell you the truth, it never stopped. Once I let him get away with it, it never stopped. They never stop unless they get serious help and I really dont know if that helped. Our child was also seriously damaged by his behavior and he may grow up to be an abuser also. He was an alcoholic, but I never let that be his excuse. We have been divorced for many years and I have since remarried, but even now when I see him, I can still see that look in his eye like he would love to do something to me.

Get out now, before you waste years of your life on this man, who is going to continue to hurt you.

Cat

i disagree with the majority here on pto i see alot of posts about criminals changing heir ways and a sex offender getting help and getting cured of his sickness and yet no one here seems to think an abuser can change, i think they can if they want and with some very serious help in and out of prison and your the only one who knows if he will have changed however i would not jump back into a relationship with him right when he got out, you should get some counseling yourself and find yourself i wish you all the best

I want to tell you that I can relate to you, my boyfriend has also been in jail for assulting me. Though it was not as sevre as your case. And he is jail now for uttering threats and damage of my personla property because he came to our house when he was drunk and tried to kick in the door telling me he was going to kill me. Weither he would have or not was not the issue it was the fact that just acting out the way he did and saying those things was wrong and whatever decision you make yyou always need to remember that. I am not going to tell you to leave him because it is obvious that that would be the safest thing to do. I chose not to leave my man and we have been working on our realtionship.

But what I am going to tell you is to be careful, weither he is on drugs or not he appears to be a violent person who requires help, so be on alert at all times. Your safety is priority. Anf take is slow, test the waters before you jump back into a realtionship with him. Don't move to fast. And always realise that 90% of men who assult women will do it again.

Just remember that if you decide to leave you re a strong beautiful woman who can make it on her own and if you decide to stay your are still strong and beautiful and desreve to be treated so.

Good luck to you, whichever path you take! :o

Sweetie, Chris has never, nor would he ever hurt me. But, I was in a very abusive (more mental than physical) relationship before Chris. No matter how many times he says he will change, you have to be careful. Think about yourself before you think about him. You say he hates it in there, because he loves being outside? Well, that is too bad for him. He should have perhaps thought about that before using your face as his object of destruction. You also say you love him, and he loves you. If he truly loved you, he wouldn't want to hurt, and practically beat you to death. He would do everything in his power to make you feel loved and safe.
I am not saying any of this to be mean. But, I worry about you, and wish you could see you deserve better.

Are you interested in him coming home and you possibly being subject to more violence like what you described? You're worried about someone that beat you with a 357? Suppose, just suppose he comes home and gets another 357 and uses the other end of it in his rage?? Unless he is getting some serious mental health care, both in prison and upon release, you are making a big mistake. You really do need to get a lot of feedback from members of PTO and you need to listen to what they say. Otherwise, I feel you are going to be a victim again. From what you describe, this is deadly serious.

I agree with the above statement to the fullest,please,take your peace of mind you have now and run with it,please run fast!!!

http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;10722;93/st/20071128/e/Big+Daddy+comes+Home/dt/-3/k/f138/event.png

I am sorry for responding so late. Sweetie, NO, you are not crazy for loving him. From a practical standpoint, I have to say, absolutely stay away. But, that being said, I know first hand that your heart and your mind don't always agree. For your sake, and for your loved one's sakes, let your mind overrule. It's going to be SO hard. But honey, at least you will be around to tell the tale.

Ravage, I am so sorry about what happened to you. It is so terrible.

I am no expert on domestic violence. All I can offer is maybe he will change. People change. But that doesn't mean you have to stay with him.

Please don't take this as rude, because I am surely not trying to be mean to somebody who has been through all that you have. I know you feel like you love him...

Why do you think he loves you? Nobody beats a woman they love with a gun. I don't know what that is, but it is not love. It sounds like something somebody would do to someone they hate, doesn't it?

You are so lucky to be alive. Please don't put your life at risk.

I would like to thank you all for your posts. I know you all (or some of you) have been through bad times with your loved ones too. Or else you wouldn't be reading about DV!

I do love him. I know it is hard to believe, but I know he really cares for me too. I have not decided what exactly to do, but I feel when the time comes, I will make the best decision I possibly can. Please know your words mean so much to me.

He will be getting out of Prison on May 31, 2007. Pray for me!

Ravage. I don't know how often you check your thread and I want to make sure you get this.

I am a victim of Domestic Violence from my first husband/ daughter's father. He beat me often enough as well as economically abused me, sexually abused me and more. My child's sperm donor is 33 years old. It took me a long time to realize he will not change. Batterers rarely do. It is about them having power and control and right now it sounds like you are falling for it hook, line and sinker.
I believe that if he wants to show you he has changed he should enroll in some type of counseling for batterers. Him talking all the stuff is a good way to get caught out there like I did. That man tried to kill me in front of my daughter.

Please be aware that he could be telling you all of these things to get you to trust him again and then instead of pistol whipping you he could use that gun to kill you b/c he may feel that you are the reason he had to do 2-3 years in jail. Him just saying he changed is not enough. I loved my ex-husband. I was with him since I was 16 and he was there when I graduated from High School and everything. But I had to learn to love myself more. For all the years of abuse or months you suffered at his hands he should use that many and more to do positive things to show you he ha changed. He should be speaking at DV centers and like I said in couseling at a minimum. He should also respect the Order of Protection and get himself together and then when he is better and the time had passed he should show you how he has changed his life in a positive way.

I know lots of people who were addicted to drugs and they abused themselves but never their parnters. Please be careful. If it looks to good to be true or sounds too fairytale-like it probably is because it is. I would be much more skeptical than you are. You nor anyone else deserves that type of treatment whether he was high or not. Good luck to you and I will be praying for you.

P.S. Please look into Domstic Violence couseling for yourself. It has done wonders for me and may answer some more questions you have regarding what you should do.

You are definitely not crazy for loving him. I was in a very abusive relationship as well. I was not injured quite as badly as you were, but was "beat up" several times, pushed down to the extent that my head went through the sheetrock, etc. My honey too, was mixing alcohol with prescription pain medication, and according to doctors and psychologists, this can be something they do with no control of themselves. Klonopin was the medication he was on and mixing with hefty alcohol. This was definitely not an everyday occurance, but I never hesitated to call 911, which, looking back I wish when we was having a good day, I could have convinced him to get mental and medical help. This is not his personality. This man wouldn't hurt a fly, he is the most gentle caring loving person I have ever met. He has been back in prison for six months, and has two years and two months to go. I, too am denied visitation. But we write and he calls collect. I've been trying to find out from the warden if the visitation restriction will last the entire time he is incarcerated, or just temporarily. We have combined families, and are engaged to be married. I wonder if getting married sooner would help with visitation....Anyone know. I'm in Florida.

Coreen, I sincerely appreciate your situation, and I am glad you understand mine. I do love him, and I do believe that IF he can stay away from the drugs, that he will be ok. However, I do get scared sometimes that he will not be able to stay away, and sometimes I even get scared that he is lying to me to get me alone and hurt me again, these things bother me alot. I know for a fact that he is not like that when he isn't on drugs. What scares me is that I hear they can get the drugs even in prison. I don't know if that is true or not. But if it is, how will I know he isn't doing that? That is what scares me. I know if he is clean, he will not hurt me.

Good luck with your Ronald and I hope it all works out for you.

As I said before, I appreciate all these posts, the warnings do not go unheard, and I appreciate your concern. But I do like the encouraging posts the most. They make me feel better about my situation, and feel like I am not so alone.

Thanks Again!

Ravage187,yes you can get drugs in Prison,easier than you get them on the streets...It's going to take him wanting to change...Go with your gut instinct,what does that tell you?

http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;10722;93/st/20071128/e/Big+Daddy+comes+Home/dt/-3/k/f138/event.png

Welcome to PTO, I agree with alot of the people drugs are no reason to hit a woman and if he gets out and starts using drugs again he is goin to more than likely abuse you again if i were you i would move on and restart your life without him. We cant tell you what to do we can only give you the best advice we can. So listen and take in what everyone at PTO tells you and chose the right decision which your heart tells you to do.

I know he just took a drug test on Sept. 1, 2006 and it came back clean. His aunt talked to the guard at the prison last week and they told her to talk to his case worker who told his aunt that he was clean. And that he has been being given random tests to make sure he was clean since he has been in there, so this makes me feel good about it. I know it is a really big risk to take, but I think, (and maybe it is because it is what I really want to happen), I think he loves me and is trying to change.

I appreciate the warnings as well as the encouragements.

Thanks so much for responding.

This has been a great forum and has helped me so much.

Thanks again.

Welcome to PTO. Just remember, there is never a good enough excuse for him to hit you.

I can definitely relate....I was not abused as severely as you, but bad enough to not be acceptable. My fiance was drinking more than I was aware of and mixing it with prescription klonopin. He has been in prison for six months and has two years to go. I hate knowing he's in there, he is not a violent person, wouldn't hurt a fly. In fact he worked with special needs children and had been a fire fighter for many years. But the alcohol, drugs, and the combination of the two is bad!! We are still planning to marry, I believe he has changed, he has turned to God for help in prison and realizes life is not worth spending in a cage. Unfortunately we cannot have visitation due to me being the victim. But I completely understand, most people don't unless they've been in this situation...Including family! I will listen any time you want to talk.....

I've heard that they can get drugs in prison as well. I know when he was in the county jail, we had contact visits, and the girls behind me coming in had balloons in their mouths full of ....? I don't know what, I don't take drugs and wouldn't have any idea what it was. But the officer attempted to talk to them and obviously they couldn't talk well, so it sent up a red flag. They were handcuffed and arrested. Maybe some are more clever I dont' know...It's disgusting..all kinds of things go on in there.

Hi Coreen,

I don't know that I am too worried about that happening to him, I mean getting drugs that way, because he was on prescription meds, I mean that is what he was using. They were not his prescriptions, so I doubt that anyone could sneak pills to him like that.

I am not supposed to have any contact with him for 5 years after he gets out, and that is what is so hard. I love him. He loves me, that I believe. I am so hoping that he is getting better, over the drugs, he too turned to church. And I hope he sticks with it.

Good luck with your Ronald.

I PUT MY MAN IN JAIL AS WELL ALTHOUGH YOUR STORY IS FAR MORE WORSE THEN MINE BUT NO WOMEN SHE TAKE THAT FROM A MAN.... YOU ARE NOT CRAZY FOR STILL LOVING HIM I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH MINE AS WELL, I ALSO HAVE 2 CHILDREN FROM HIM ONE'S 19 MONTHS AND ONE WILL BE 8 MONTHS OLD... I STOOD WITH HIM ONLY TWO WEEKS HE DID NOT HIT ME BUT HE CHOOKED ME WITH A TOWEL ONE TIME AND WOULD CRY WHEN I GUESS HE REALIZED WHAT HAPPENED, HE WOULD MAKE ME SLEEP WITH HIM SO I CAN GET PREGNANT AGAIN BUT HTANKFULLY GOD WAS WITH ME, HE THREATENED TO KILL ME IF I EVER LEFT IT STARTED ON MY 21ST BIRTHDAY AND ENDED ON MAY6 WHEN I WENT TO THE POLOCE STATION... ONE THING FOR SURE NEVER REGRET YOU PUT HIM IN THERE I KNOW I HAVENT I TOOK THE KIDS TO SEE THERE DAD 4 TIMES THE LAST TIME THEY SEEN HE WAS IN JUNE SURE HE WRITES BUT DO I WRITE BACK ONLY ABOUT 4 TIMES... HE NEEDS TO REALIZE THE PAIN AND HELL HE PUT YOU THROUGH AS I TELL EVERYONE YOU CAN NOT HELP WHO YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH AS TIME GOES ON SOMETIMES I FEEL I NEED HIM AND OTHERS IT'S NOT AS BAD THINK OF IT THIS WAY IF US AND OTHER WOMEN LET ARE MEN KEEP BEATING US WE MIGHT NOT BE ABEL TO WAKR UP THE NEXT DAY AND HUN BY THE SOUND OF YOUR STORY HE WAS VERY ABUSING RIGHT AWAY MINE DIDN'T START TILL 3 YEARS LATER.. PM ME GIRL IF YOU WANNA TALK IM IN CALIFORNIA AND THE LAWS ARE DIFFERENT HERE BUT IT SEEMS TO ME YOUR MAN DIDNT GET ENOUGH TIME MINE GOT CHARGED WITH TERRORIST THREATS ONLY BUT GOT SENTENCED TO 2 YEARS 85% TIME AND A STRIKE AND I THINK HE NEEDED LONGER.... YOU ALSO MIGHT WANT TO GO SEE A THEROPIST I PUT MY OLDEST IN AND HE ALSO TALKS TO ME AND HOW I CAN CHANGE MY LIFE AND RAISE MY CHILDREN NOT TO BE ABUSIVE....

Go to the courthouse where the no contact orders were filed and see if you can get them dropped. I wonder if Ron has those too? He did at one time, but I had them dropped, its only for your protection...

To Ravage and all the ladies who think this is "really" a drug thing: DON'T BET YOUR LIFE ON IT!
If you do enough research on abuse, you'll find that it is very very often linked with drug/alcohol use. You think you know that. OK. The problem is that the personality of an abuser does not depend on the drugs or alcohol, and removing them from an abuser DOES NOT fix the abusive nature. They are two separate, though related problems - like having chicken pox and a back problem at the same time - fixing one doesn't guarantee fixing the other.

I will not guarantee you that your men are incurable. If they do some major, intensive, long-term therapy then you might have a chance. But please, please, don't think that because they're clean they're not going to be abusive.

"If he was not high, He would not have abused me."

"If he was not drunk, he would be just perfect, the man that I fell in love with".
He said he was sorry, ( while in Prison ) he's had so much time to think, and I KNOW he is sorry, he promises to go to treatment when he gets out and he PROMISES it will never happen again, because he will never drink again.

"He hit his last girlfriend because she was such a "Bitch" and she cheated on him" (whether that is the truth or not) I would ask the ex girlfriend.
But if the ex is asked, I am sure she is lying because she hates him.

I KNOW he loves me and I love him. that is enough to keep a person together.

I have asked myself those questions repeatedly. There are times that I still wonder if maybe he has changed.

it's NOT easy to make that break and take a stand and say NO MORE!
Not to fall back into the trap because of love for him and putting yourself and your kids at risk at having a really bad life full of abuse. Watching thier mother get beat, humiliated, controlled, not able to have any friends.not able to keep a job because every job that you get he messes up for you.

NOt every situation is the same. Most of us have not been hurt in the same way. We can look at the stories on here in this forum and say to ourselves oh but he did not do THAT!

Or say to ourselves, if he did THAT I would leave. but since he didn't, I will give him another chance because I love him, and he loves me.

It is so hard to leave. especailly when there are kids. But it's sometimes easier to leave because there are kids involved.

It just really stinks and it's so hard, but it can be and needs to be done.

You don't deserve to be abused regardless of the reason, or the drug or alcohol they consume. Or how sorry they are. What are you going to do? give him another chance until the next time it happens IF it happens? How do you know you won't leave in a pine box?

Get some education about domestic violence. As much as you can. Before it's too late.

hey there i'm in a similar situation. my man or i guess ex not sure what we are, beat me up bad and raped me at the time i was four months pregnant with our child. he was on meth and heroin at the time and was completely not the man i met. he later plead guilty and is now doing 7 years in prison. our child is not born yet but when she arrives hopefully he will want to change for her. by the time he gets out of prison she'll be 6 if he gets out on time not early so i hope he can survive this to see his baby. i still love him though despite the abuse and rape but who knows how i'll feel in 7 yrs...

welcome HmMarshall,

I am sorry about your situation. Thanks for sharing some of it with us.

Please read the following link about the correlation between drug/alcohol abuse and Domestic Violence/Rape it has no revelence.

http://incestabuse.about.com/od/domesticabuse/a/drugsandbooze.htm
http://www.bu.edu/police/prevention/domestic_violence_myth.htm
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100360003

http://familydoctor.org/052.xml
http://www.ncall.us/

wow! what a story. If you dont read the paper you better start!!!! Women are beaten to their DEATHevery day. Please leave him alone.You want to see if hes ok but did he care about you???

You women must still be very YOUNG! Take it from an older woman! I'm 38 ladies and I spent 13 years being married to an abusive bastard. they don't change!!!! You think you'll love them into changing or the "baby" will make him change. WAKE UP!!! It's in these abusive bastards up-bringing, the way they were brought up! What makes you all believe you're going to undo all the years of reinforced abuse that these guys were brought up with??? Hello!!!

"I still love him!" That's all I hear! You women worship these guys as if they did you some great favor by F---ing you real good and then beating the crap out of you!!! Don't you ladies want MORE out of a relationship? do you even think or know that MORE exists??? It does!

I'm 38, my ex abuser is 40, not bragging, but I still look really good for my age, but i try to take care of myself. I met someone wonderful who happens to be 10 years younger than me!!!

I tell you these things because you all act like these guys are the end of the line for you and there's no hope for something BETTER. And they WiLL be the end of the line for you if you choose to keep getting your asses beat by them, yeah, I could see you all ENDING that way! These kind of men DO NOT CHANGE!!!! Unless God HIIMSELF comes down and strikes them on their heads and the have an epiphany, they DO NOT CHANGE!

hmmarshall,

You're having a girl? what kind of message do you think you're going to be sending to your daughter. Why don't you write back and update us all when she's 16 and let us know about her abusive boyfriend.

It's so hard to leave when there's kids? what the hell? IT should be easier BECAUSE of your kids. My 9 year-old saw so much abuse that she does not care to ever see her father AGAIN! And your children are going to grow up hating him too and possibly resenting you if you DON'T get out! You're abusing your children by staying with this creep! I can criticize all I want because I've been there, I paid the price, you should learn from an older gal's mistakes! Get rid of him, get a NEW life! There are PLENTY of men out there who will treat you AND your children like a MILLION BUCKS!

I just thought that I would update everyone on my situation. He is getting out in less than 2 months time. I am nervous, a little scared. But he hasn't gotten in any trouble in prison. So that is optimistic. I now work for a domestic violence shelter in my town, and Yes I understand very well what the cycle of violence is. I got my job there because of what happened to me. I really do love him, but I am aware that he probably won't change and I am very sure that he still has problems. While I am not necesarily sure I want a relationship right away with him, I do feel like I should see him once he is out and see if he has changed. I believe in leaving it up to him if he changes, and I have no intention of seeing him alone. I do believe him when he says he wants to apologise and that he loves me. I will give him his chance to apologise and see what happens from there. I have to be a bigger person than to think that no one is capable of changing. It isn't up to me to judge him, he has to let God judge him in the end and that is enough. I will be very careful and not see him alone but I believe he deserves the chance to have his say about what happened. I will keep you all posted.

Best of luck to you and good for you that you got a job where you are likely learning the in's and out's of DV. Both of you will remain in my thoughts.

your right,it is only god who can judge,and i believe people can also change.i know my husband hasn't and proably never will but i do know of a couple of people personally who have changed for the better..best wishes :)

Ravage - Even if he apologizes, be more careful than if you were dealing with a rabid dog. I listened to the apologies, and then to the demands for an apology in person, the apology at a specific time, in a specific place, and all the rest of the control measures he tried to put in place to make it happen. You will, if you look carefully and listen fully, probably not see change. Even if you think you do, don't trust it. Wait. A long time.

Thank you all for your continued support! He is getting out now in 24 days. On May 31st. I am still very cautious, I am going out of town the weekend that he gets out, in fact, on the day he gets out and will stay gone for 4 days. Then I will see if he is going to try anything when I get home, I guess. Hopefully he will have learned something from his stay in prison. I really do love him. It has been 2 years since he has been in there and I think if I didn't really love him, I would have moved on by now, but I still love him. I just hope he is going to try to stay clean and not be that person anymore who hurt me.
Again, thanks for the continued support.

hope everything works out for you ravage!;)

Ravage. I don't know how often you check your thread and I want to make sure you get this.

I am a victim of Domestic Violence from my first husband/ daughter's father. He beat me often enough as well as economically abused me, sexually abused me and more. My child's sperm donor is 33 years old. It took me a long time to realize he will not change. Batterers rarely do. It is about them having power and control and right now it sounds like you are falling for it hook, line and sinker.
I believe that if he wants to show you he has changed he should enroll in some type of counseling for batterers. Him talking all the stuff is a good way to get caught out there like I did. That man tried to kill me in front of my daughter.

Please be aware that he could be telling you all of these things to get you to trust him again and then instead of pistol whipping you he could use that gun to kill you b/c he may feel that you are the reason he had to do 2-3 years in jail. Him just saying he changed is not enough. I loved my ex-husband. I was with him since I was 16 and he was there when I graduated from High School and everything. But I had to learn to love myself more. For all the years of abuse or months you suffered at his hands he should use that many and more to do positive things to show you he ha changed. He should be speaking at DV centers and like I said in couseling at a minimum. He should also respect the Order of Protection and get himself together and then when he is better and the time had passed he should show you how he has changed his life in a positive way.

I know lots of people who were addicted to drugs and they abused themselves but never their parnters. Please be careful. If it looks to good to be true or sounds too fairytale-like it probably is because it is. I would be much more skeptical than you are. You nor anyone else deserves that type of treatment whether he was high or not. Good luck to you and I will be praying for you.

P.S. Please look into Domstic Violence couseling for yourself. It has done wonders for me and may answer some more questions you have regarding what you should do.

I agree with what lovinkiah says. Pay close attention to the part about when he gets out he may blame you for the time he was in jail and take it out on you. It is my experience that these type of men are Narcissists. In that they do not see others as people who are worthy of caring or emotions. They only see the look on your face and what it reflects back at them (fear, anger, adoration) They don't care about your feelings, it is all about them, and what your purpose is in life is to make their life better in whatever way they can. If you are responsible for putting these people away, or if they feel you are responsible, they will come back 100 times worse. He will surely blame you, and he will be nice and happy up until the moment he gets you alone, then he will attack you for what you did. He will blame you, and he will get you back. If your life was miserable before, it will get 100 times worse. And this next time, you may not survive.
Please cut him out of your life. There are a lot of good men out there who will treat you right. Men who abuse the women that love them, are the lowest form of scum on the earth. Get out of the relationship please. And don't look back.

:confused: Hi! I am New to this forum, and would like to tell you my story and see if you all could tell me anything to help me understand my feelings better.

My Boyfriend is in Polk Correctional Institute in Butner NC. He has been there since last september. Before that he was in the county jail in McDowell County where we live. :( , The reason he is in prison is Assault with a deadly weapon inflicting serious injury. His victim was ME!:mad:! He started hitting me not long after we moved in together. But he never really hurt me and I thought I could handle him. A few months later he had gotten worse. One night he hit me with the butt of a 357 revolver in the head several times. We were not fighting, he just got mad over a video game. That same night, he beat me from the waste down with a wooden practice sword. Immediately he was sorry but the damage was done. I had knots on my head and bruises in stripes all down my bottom and thighs. A few (like 3) days later, he lost it again, this time he beat me with the pistol so much that I had to be taken to the hospital. I thought I would die. But I survived. After a few more days when I was unable to work, I finally got to go back to work, and my boss helped me go to the police. He was arrested that evening.

As hurt as I was, I was also worried about him. I know he can't stand to be locked up, he couldn't even stand to be in the house for very long. He likes the outdoors too much.

He was given a plea bargain of 2 to 3 years prison, 5 years probation, with a two year suspended sentence.

Now he is in Polk CI, and he has written me several times. I recently found out he was doing drugs at the time, which I had no idea, they were prescription drugs and I never saw him take them. Oxycontin and Pain Killers of some other type. He has apologized profusely and I know he really loves me:( , and I really love him despite everything that has happened. I really want to believe him when he says he will never do it again. I really want to be with him again. But I am also scared :confused: , because it could happen again. Sometimes I feel so good about our relationship and others I think I am making a huge mistake.

He isn't allowed to contact me (though he does in letters) and for the duration of his probation, he can't come near me or he goes back in prison. I don't want to be the reason he goes back to prison, but I would like the chance to see how he is and see if he has changed.

Am I crazy for still loving him? I don't know. Should I see him when he gets out next year? Or stay away? Is it worth the risk of getting hurt again? My heart says yes, my mind says no.


Can any of you relate to this?

HELP!
Hi! I am similar in your shoes. Mine lied, over and over again, and was hooked on the same stuff. AS I have to remind MYSELF, let me remind you...Domestic Violence goes in a "cycle", and there is ALWAYS a honeymoon phase, but it will happen again.
I have to love him as the father of my child, but trying to learn boundries for myself, as they easily walk all over you/me with what "they want".
Get involved in a domestic violence counseling support group and run as fast as you can the other way!
Sorry, I am not convienced he won't do this again, I am in your shoes, scared shitless, but trying to be real with myself, and you.
I hope you understand me, and don't take offense that I am being insensitve, I am not...just keeping it real!

Good luck, I am here if you wanna talk!

Also one more thing...WE as the victims tend to be "trained or instilled" in us to protect our abuser, it is true...even as messed up as that may seem, that is part of the illness in us as the victims, takes a while to really see that!