Hello everyone I am new to the board here and just wanted to share my story and to receive some thoughts and advice from you all. Here is my story... I was with my boyfriend for a little over a year, got pregnant after being with him for only 2 months. Everything was perfect in the beginning, but then again thats always how it is. I was in college and he was home with his mother not working. His sister introduced me and to make a long story short we fell in love. So after a while the arguments started and they became more and more frequent. I tried to leave him so many times but he kept insisting he would change and he has to some extent. WITH MY HELP, he got a job, quit smoking marijuana and was there for me the whole time during the pregnancy and thereafter catering to me. A few times after we argued and I tried to break it off he wouldnt let me leave because he insisted everything would be all good. I continued to stay with him and work it out for our daughter. The whole time we are together I felt like i was educating him because he was obviously uneducated and ignorant but he had a "good heart". He always did for his family even tho most of them could give two sh*ts about him. Basically I was the one always there for him dealing with all his issues. He has a bad temper and saw alot of things wrong with what i did or how i acted but in reality there was really nothing wrng. He always blamed it on his past being cheated on, and being abused himself by his ex girlfriends. He has a daughter with another girl and she is even dumber than him she still tries to get back with him tried to fight me and everything she causes him so much drama. He just wanted to have time with his daughter and she would make it so hard by one minute saying he would see her then the next saying she doesnt want her daughter around me. Shes jealous and immature ( i guess thats why they were together to begin with...there somewhat alike. Any way, I am trying hard to make this story short forgive me if i ramble. We argued a couple times and he told me he didnt want my daughter to have any other man in her life besides him that he would kill whoever i dealt with if me n him were to break up. He threatened to beat me up too and on several occasions i felt as though he would but he kept saying he doesnt hit women. He would only grab me or not let me leave the room and get in my face. Hes also very disrespectful to my mom in our house he would slam doors and call at unreasonable hours after being instructed not to do so after my dad spoke to him about that he finally stopped. This past weekend i finally made up my mind to leave him and he was in my house wouldnt let me leave my room until we worked it out he shoved me grabbed my hair really tight and got in my face saying i cant play with his emotions. He also took my cell phone home with him wen he finally left. The next day i needed him to watch our daughter because i had to go for a job. so he took her and when i came back and tried to get my property that was at his house he wouldnt let me take it and was trying to work it out. I kept telling him no so he got mad and got a knife and got on top of me and put it to my throat and face threatening to kill me. I knew he wouldnt do it because he even told me before he does things like that just to scare me and so i listen to him and to stay with him (his reasoning is screwedup). he eventually calmed down and got off of me and told me i could leave so again wehn i tried to leave he didnt let me he got a rope and tried to tie me up. I knew he wasnt gonna do anything seirous like he just does things out of spite to scare me but ive had enough. His family is calling me telling me to drop charges n i told her its nothing i can do its up to the judge. . This is extremely hard my daughter is only2 months old and i know its better to deal with this situation now before she gets older and aware of whats going on. I have a temp. restraining order until i go to court next week. i am also trying to decide what to do with my daughter i want full custody trying to decide if he can have visitation rights at all. I want him to get help not for me beacuse i made up my mind but for his daughter i want him to possibly have a relationship wit her sumwhere down the line. He takes such good care of her now and loves her but he has issues. I feel so lost depressed and although it gets a tiny bit better each day because I dont see him I cant stop thinking about him and what it will be like seeing him in court. The bail hearing is wednesday and I dont know if i will be able to go. I just hope he doesnt get out on bail! Im scared for what's to come throughout this journey! Any words of advice?

I knew he wasnt gonna do anything seirous

Honey the obituary columns are full of women who "knew" that. Stick to your guns and seek less drama in your life even if you have to get a little counseling to get past this, you and the baby are worth it.

I dont have any words of wisdom, but I wanted to let you know you have lots of support in what your doing. Sure its painful because he is the father of your child and you do and will have special feelings for him, but its better to deal with this now rather then later down the road. At least now your daugher will be oblivious to all of it. IMO its much easier for her to grow up knowing mommy and daddy cant be together and that is just the way of life rather then trying to stay together for her sake only to end up dead or splitting up down the road when she is old enough to feel the pain.

As far as the child custody goes I think you should go for full custody at this time with some sort of supervised visits. I am not one who supports keeping children from their parents, but at the same time I do believe a lot of parents will use the children to get what they want. In your case I fear he may keep your child from you in order to hurt you or get back at you. Maybe down the road when things are cooled down and he realizes how things are going to be then the custody can be altered.


((((((((HUGS)))))))))

Hugs to you and your baby girl. You are doing what is right. I dont think anyone that was in an abusive relationship thought that they would end up in one. You have to do what is best for you and your daughter. I would not let him have visition with out someone else being there.. hang in there

NEVER let unsupervised visitation cross your mind!!
You know how he was with you - when will she be old enough for him to be like that with HER? Your description is of someone both ignorant and narcissistic - he will not have the tools to deal with her as she gets older and becomes a separate person...that's when things will get really ugly, as they did with you.
While you're at it, DO get counseling for yourself - it will help you to be clear when you see him in court, it will keep you strong in your decision, it will help you keep your daughter safe. Good luck!

I agree with everyone else. Don't even think about unsupervised visitation. And the supervised visits should be with someone not from his family. Maybe your parents or one of them are willing to supervise the visits. If not then there are agencies who deal with supervised visits with biological parents.

Good job!! You have stuck to your guns and went out and got a temporary restraining order. I am proud of you!

Ideally it would be wonderful if he would go out and get the help he so desperately needs, It will take a LONG time to change what he has learned, but that's on him! Your job is to protect yourself and that precious baby of yours.

I could go on and on and on about the realities of DV and what it does to families and especially to the children of those who are brought up in a home where domestic violence is present. What will happen to our daughters~who will probably pick violent men, or our son's~ who might become batterers.
Thinking of what it would do to my children is what made me stand up against all odds and follow through with the permanent order. Everyone blamed the drugs and alcohol because sober he was not like that, but the bottom line is that the drugs and alcohol did not make him turn violent. He already was, and the drugs and alcohol brought it out worse. It did not cause it. I know this is a subject that seems to be controversial but try and surround yourself around people who understand the cycle of violence and how it really is. How bad it can get. He might have not hit you yet, but honey that is right around the corner. It starts with not allowing you to leave, trying to tie you up, block the door, not letting you leave.

new jersey (http://www.njcbw.org/)

New Jersey (http://www.state.nj.us/dca/dow/dowprograms.shtml)

Please look into the above links and see about getting some help for yourself and your daughter.
It might be the place to start.
Good luck! and keep us posted about how you are.

Sunnie

Hey.... It sounds like he may be getting worse ......maybe judge will order anger management..... you did good .hange in there! hugs!!!!!!;) ;) ;)

I don't know who you are but your story is almost like mine but I have 2 kids with him I got pregnant with my first daughter 3 months after I was dating him and I got pregnant with my son when my daughter was only 3 months old.. I put my man in jail this past May he was slowly going through his anger with drawls by yelling at me, going out having other girls call his cell when I was pregnant in January when I can home from the hospital after I had my son the feds were looking for him so he left for a couple of weeks and things were so much better, then when I went back to work and has to start dressing up it got the worst that I would have never imagined. He started choking me with towels because I didn't want to sleep with him threatening that he would kill my mom and 8 year old sister, forcing me to sleep with threating to take me to the canyons and have me killed. Then somedays he would be crying and telling his family bad stuff about me and they were believing it I finealy turned him in on May6, his charges were spousal rape, terrrorist threats and asault the DA droped everything except for the threarts he would of got off with probation but since he was already on it they gave him 2 years with 85% and a strike. I went to see him with the kids, but he told the cops I must not be scared of him, i would write and he turned them in also... SO BASICLY BE CAREFUL GIRL AND KNOW THAT THERE R OTHER PEOPLE OUT THERE IN R CASE... Talk to me anytime...

Sounds like another addcitive relationship, been there, done that. You know it's not going to work out, don't you? Why waste your time. Eventually, you will come to the realization that you have been trying to change him. Why do we women do this, we take on men as improvement projects! But, the only way you'll learn is through experience. I guess you're just going to have to keep going through it till you realize that he doesn't know what love is and neither do you!

NEWSFLASH about putting your men in jail for DV, Ladies! Your men have been sitting in jail, doing TIME because YOU called the cops on them! They have all of this TIME to think NEGITIVELY about you and to HARBOR resentments toward you, because, let's face it, in prison they are NOT going to recieve any kind of counseling. They are NOT sorry for what they did to cause you having to call the cops and put them there. So, when they get out and come home to you, all that anger and resentment is STILL there because none of these men know what TRUE love is or TRUE FORGIVNESS is, so they are not capable of forgiving you for calling the cops on them! Do you get where I'm going with this? This is all just more fuel for the fire Ladies!

@schrob01
you are exactly right about this point.although i didnt have anything directly to do with my fiancee being arrested i do have a minor part. lately ive been monitoring his responses as to see if he has blame.he hasnt shown any so far but he does show hesitation to accepting things(as if he got to satisfy his need to know) and some procrastination.i know its hard to deal with things no matter where we are but he is somewhat in denial.and he takes forever to face the issue at hand.i feel like if its something that is gonna coem bac to hurt us then we should be done with it once and for all.it does worry me that he could let a mistake from 15 yrs ago grow and dominate his emotions.life does not stop in prison. he has got to realize that when he comes home,we may discuss briefly our past but from then on no longer will i let my past be a factor of my future blessings.i have thought about my secret and what it is doing to him.will eh be able to coem bac from that?and if he cant then i will have to leave him cuz i wont be kept up all night being accused for something that has no revelence on my life now.i wont let anyone else from my past coem up to me talking about when i used to get high and ill be damned if i let him do it!men can be evil when they drunk calling us out of our names...well he should know im not quite the same QUEENDRURY.i am the new QUEEN DRURY and i am refined and worthy of love and protection from my man.i mean it if JAMIE cant deal with the past without making me drudge it up then i will possibly leave him.its something to think about.he has seen every obstacle i have overcome and i be dammed if i let him degrade me with derogatory names.

Leenlow i think you did the right thing because in the long run it doesnt only put us in danger but the ones that suffer the most is our kids. We may think that our kids are little and they don't hurt but yes at such small age they do. I can relate to you cause i went through the same situation and my son is now 6 and i thank God because he is fine now. Because i let my son being a baby go throug all this DV he was a slow learner in everything now i Keep thanking God because my son is doing great in school. so never think that you did wrong cause you did'nt. What I can say now is seek for the Lord because in everything he is the only one that can help you and aswell as counseling. For me & my son that was what helped us overcome DV. If you need me you can talk to me any time. God Bless You and your baby girl greatly.

They well say anything to get you to come back and once you do go back the obuse starts. I here to tell you it well never stop. Believe me, i have been through this myself. They well many diferent ways to get you to come back.First they try and make you feel sorry for them, than if that don't work they try to make you feel quilty about leaving them and if that don't work they threaten you with scare tatics. You need to have no contact with this man not even on the phone. You need to get counceling you might not think you do, but trust me you do. He has messed with your head so much that you don't even think he would ever seriously hurt! I'm here to tell you this man has already hurt you. He has mentaly and physicaly. Every times you go back the harder it well be to get out of the house, room were ever he can intrap you. Don't fool your self this man is not good for you or the baby. Do not worry right now about his relationship with his child right now, you need to worry about you and your child safty. Your child is safer not being around him. It took me going to womans refuge to get away from my abusive husband. If you do not go to court the judge may not take you serious and the next time you cry for help it just might not be in time.
good luck
nitamac

My babies daddy and I wern't even together and he still knocked me around. I've pressed charges the last time he did it and he did 6 months on a PV. When he got out he wasn't to have any contact with me or he could PV again it didn't matter to him...He stuck around for 8 months, pushing me around once in awhile, nothing to bad... He left, moved in with his brothers girl "Lisa" . He was beating the S*** out of her with in the first month together. He had never hurt me like that...thank god.... she didn't do anything about it and she became his punching bag... He had gotten so used to hitting her when ever he was mad that when he came to see his our twins he got upset with me and bit my face.... I contacted his PO filed a report. It took the parole office 3 months before picking him up. I saw "Lisa " a few day's after he was gone. She still had a black eye from the last time she saw him, during her time with Paul he had knocked out her front teeth and she had teeth marks on her face from Paul biting her.....
My point is FME it dosen't ever end it just get worse.... You did the right thing.. maybe he will think twice before hitting another woman again..but don't count on it.