I am at my wit's end of not knowing what to do.. my boyfriend has had a drinking problem for a while now.. he will clean up for a couple weeks then goes right back to it, each time getting worse. He is laying in an empty house, no furniture, passes out on the floor after drinking 2 fifths of 100 proof alcohol (or more) a day. I go by there to see if he is even still alive and to pour out whatever alcohol I find... but then he just goes and gets more. In one breath he begs me to not leave him then in the next he tells me to let him die.

Everyone tells me to walk away that if he is ready to stop he will do it, but I honestly believe he has lost his mental capacity to even make that decision right now. I want to walk away but something in me won't let me until I know I have done everything possible. I don't know what to do and it is draining the life out of me.

Do I just walk away and let him do whatever he wants which is to kill himself or do I intervene somehow? And if so, what in the heck can I do?

Hi Lisa
Welcome to my life!!! Well I have been married to the same type of guy for 22 years. I can,t tell you what to do or make up your mind for you. But I can tell you that it sounds like he is bipolor or very depressed. My husband is Bi polor when the medication is no longer working he drinks and trys to kill him self. Stays clean for months then o brother here we go again. Well this last time BAD!! thats why Iam on here hes doing 3 1/2 years. the park a gun, cops. was going to kill his self in the park with a gun. cops said he aimed the gun at them. (right aim a loaded gun at cops and they took cover no they would of blown his head off) anyway when hes not drinking hes the most wonderful guy in the world, white collar worker makes (made) great money I was his princess and my kids were spoiled. Now they are grown and still spoiled but they have there own money and lifes. They watch out for me. They have the biggest hearts and would give a stranger the shirts off there backs, thats what this monster drinker has tought them. There is alot of love in my family between my kids and my husband and myself. What do I get out of it?? I know this guy loves me to death. Should I leave him?? NO Try and help him!! He has to help his self. and he does then like I said here we go again. No one would help him just kept giving drugs in detox places first thing drugs so they cover the drinking with drugs!!!! After he got in trouble with the cops Value options helped really helped cause the courts were watching!! and before he went to prison for 1 year he did,nt drink they finelly got him on the medication and then when he went to prison they took him off that medication, and gave him whatever!!!! so he is a basket case again. But like I tell him you can do this. your question if you left him would he kill his self probley not, but he would stay drunk. I hope my little story answered anything for you or at least you know your not alone!!! what ever you chose to do Good luck!! Ginger
P.S. I have to go to work now bye...........

Thank you Ginger.. I can't imagine going through this for years... I have decided that I am going by his house after work, taking him to the hospital or probably calling 9-1-1 to take him because he won't go with me and having him committed to a mental hospital. If he won't agree to it then I will go through the process of having him involuntary committed. I will then know that I did all I could and I can walk away with a clear mind knowing I tried to help him get the help he needs... He is the worst alcoholic I have ever seen...

Did you look into Al-Anon or Co-dependents Anonymous? I have heard that those organizations can really help spouses of alcoholics.

I don't know exactly how it works where you are, but I tried to commit my husband to the hospital. He had been on a week long binge and was very sick, but once we got there, he refused treatment. If he had been passed out, I could have signed for him, but since he woke up and spoke for himself, the hospital couldn't and wouldn't do anything for him. I had his insurance card... so it wasn't the money. It was the fact that he could speak for himself. So... I don't know, maybe you should wait until he is completely passed out :) Seriously, it is such a hard situation. I reached the point where I had to choose between him and my sanity. I finally told him that I just couldn't live with his drinking, that it was destroying me as well. I became extremely depressed and it was affecting my life, my job, my extended family. I had to learn to set boundaries for myself and say, I love you but I will not go through this anymore. I am not going to live with a person who is drunk all the time. I didn't tell him he couldn't drink. I knew I couldn't stop him from drinking, that is out of my control. I made up my mind I wasn't being with a drunk. He had to decide which he wanted, me or his alcohol. You may need to get to that point also. He is an adult and his actions are his responsibility. You are responsible for your choices. I had to make changes in my behavior too. I was a classic enabler. I made it easy for him to drink. When he had had drank all his money away, he knew that he could come home and I would take him in, sober him up, feed him. If he got so drunk he couldn't find his way home, he knew that if he called I would come and pick him up and take him home. I made it easy for him to keep drinking. I only mention this because at the time, I thought I was being loving, helpful, a good friend. I had to realize that all I was doing was making it to where he didn't have any consequences for his behavior. He is now serving time on a DWI. He knows that if he gets out and drinks, I will be gone. I have no doubt about it and niether does he. When it comes to alcoholism or addictions, the saying Love conquers all isn't completely true. Love just isn't enough sometimes, unless by the term "Love" you mean "Jesus". Good luck to you. Stay strong and don't let his bad choices destroy you.

I have gone to a coda meeting and an al anon meeting and didn't get much out of them.. I don't want to even continue a relationship wtih him, but I feel that I have to do this one final step of getting him somewhere safe as noone else will do it.. I am the only one that knows the true disaster that he is creating for himself..

I did this one time before.. but they took him to the wrong hospital.. I found out which one will maybe keep him..

He now has a warrant beuacse he missed his court today for his DUI.. he has never spent one day in jail but that is the road he is headed too...

I hate alcohol and the destruction it does to people..

I have heard many times from addicts/alcoholics that intervention does not work.

It might for the short run, but eventually the addict/alcoholic realizes they are just sober/clean for someone else. They have to want it for themselves.

JJT

I am in no way an expert on alcohol, but I do know you can't make anybody do anything, he has to want the help. You can decide that you aren't going to "enable" him, by giving him a nice warm place to live while he drinks himself to death. The amount of liquor that you stated he drinks daily is astounding. He is really putting his life in danger. If he has a warrant, then maybe going to jail will be a good thing--he won't be able to drink there, or he might get sentenced to rehab. I know that it is hard to watch somebody you love do this, but it is not your responsibility to "fix" him. Don't forget that you need to take care of yourself, first and foremost.

I've probably read your post ten times today and have been thinking about it. I have come to the conclusion that you are no different wanting to help or save your b/f as I have my son.

Hon, in an earlier post on another thread I wrote how others that have been there done that kept trying to tell me that no matter what I did that until my son was willing and ready for help he would not change. I guess that is not restricted to drugs but also to alchohol. I truly believe that there is a pain or weakness inside of them that they do not share - until they are ready. I don't know if you're enabling him. But, I now know that I did out of love to enable my son. It's so hard to walk away. But what else are you accomplishing? Again, I now know that. I didn't for a long time.

I agree that an intervention probably doesn't work for the long haul if THEY are not ready. We love them and see the good side of them but that doesn't change the demons they are chasing inside themselves. It really might be for the best if he did serve some time and got the help that he so desperately seems to need.

Please don't take me wrong, but if he drinks himself to death before he receives the help it sounds like he so desperately needs - it's not your fault. Only you know in his sober moments what he wants. Maybe during that time the help can be gotten??

God Bless you and I'll add you to my prayers.

He now has a warrant beuacse he missed his court today for his DUI.. he has never spent one day in jail but that is the road he is headed too...

I hate alcohol and the destruction it does to people..

I'm not one for turning people in but doing time just might let him hit his bottom. They must do this in order to get help. Some addicts never hit bottom. He more than likely will not drink himself to death. I have dealt with this before my girls father. when we would break up he would pull the I'm going to drink until I die, I use to run to rescue him but then it just got old and I would ask him if he needed any money to buy the booze! If you cant get him picked up for his warrant. Then I say leave him alone and let him do whatever he is going to do to himself. I know that it is not easy but you are only trying to save someone who will not even save himself.. You said that you did not want to even see him anymore then dont stay out of pity cause you are only hurting yourself!!!

I am sorry for your pain, ive been here at pto for several months now and i now call this home.My comfort zone,venting area,understanding areana.etc.etc.I am an alcoholic,in remission,my guy is a meth user. We are addicts and will always be faced with this disease. I will tell you this ,and this naturally is just my opinion and my feelings. The person who decided they were in control of my disease by throwing things away are no longer in my life.The ones who gave me tough love and let me drink until "I" decided "I" would take control of my own disease the better life had become for "me". Just a friendly word of advice. If you love someone.
Let them decide when they have had enough.

Lisa - it hurts, doesn't it? to see how lost and low they can get. I would say that you do what you can, without losing your own soul. Sometimes interventions DO work (my mom did many, and if the timing is right they are miraculous). Sometimes nothing does. Just don't lose yourself in the process of trying to save him. Hugss.

Thank you all for your words of advise.. His darn atty actually got the judge to NOT issue a warrant...

But I did take him to the hospital.. he has lost the ability to even make a sound decision for himself other than to say that he wanted help. He told the hospital that he wanted to die, wanted to kill himself and if they didn't keep him he was scared he would keep trying. So he is now on the mental health ward being evaluated. They are going to get him on some medication and try to get him stabilized and keep him there for a while. I guess only time will tell. He says he wants to quit and wants help right now and I continually tell him he has to want this for himself, not me or us.

I'm so glad he is in the hospital. Hopefully this will be a real turning point for you both.

Thank you.. I hope so too!

oh boy.. he gets out today after I get off work.. I am nervous.. but he sounds more clearheaded than he has in a long time.. he is armed with a whole lot of referrals to get help.. hope this works this time! Wish us luck!

Remember - this is HIS journey. You can support him, but you must not get directly involved. Does that make sense? Not this time.

JJT

Yes, it does make sense in a way... I have been doing that to a point.. even little things like him asking me to call treatment places to get info. for him.. I tell him, no, that he has to do all of that on his own. He is going to be staying with me, and he knows there is NO alcohol in my house... if he appears messed up one time he has to leave.. His psychiatrist even told him all of this and we wrote something up and we both signed it...

Lord give me strength.. My gut tells me I am making a mistake BUT I keep having faith that maybe THIS time it will work.. he has never gone and gotten this kind of help... we will see.....

Lisa, you sound like you have the right attitude! I wish you the best.

Speaking as a long-time sober alcoholic, I have to agree with those who have said that 'interventions don't work". I went through several, the only result being that I became angry and drank more to "show them". When I was ready to throw the bottle away, I sought out the resources I needed (AA, among others) and did it. There is often alcohol in my house and if a friend stops by and wants a beer, s/he's welcome to one. But it has no more appeal to me than a bottle of paint thinner would.

In the years since I sobered up I've encountered many others who are walking the same road. Some genuinely want to clean up their lives and virtually all improve to some extent at least. Some show up at meetings and the like merely because of a court order and most, in my experience, are merely marking time. When their probation ends they will either "stay stopped" or they won't. I've watched people die....practically everyone I have known through AA has relapsed at one point or another (as have I) but most picked themselves up, dusted themselves off, and got on with their lives. At times I find it troubling that AA tends to emphasize length of sobriety, giving out medallions with large numbers on them (I stopped accepting them and honestly can't recall my "sobriety date"), honoring "old-timers", etc. Those people have accomplished much, to be sure, but if you have a drinking problem and didn't drink today, you too have accomplished much--give yourself a pat on the back.

None of us can change that, difficult as it may be. And you must NEVER let another's illness run your life, difficult as it may be to protect yourself against that happening. Put yourself first, and remember--until he does so and realizes what it means to do so, he's probably not going to remain sober for long if indeed at all.

One thing I really want to emphasize: when somebody's drunk, don't confront him. Don't empty his bottles or snatch glasses out of his hand--you'll just make him angry or encourage him to get in the car and head off to get more, besides which, he won't remember what you said the next day. Try to talk to him when his head is clear, and if it never is....I guess all you can do is wait and see.

I offered my sister help as she was an alcoholic. Unfortunately she never took it and i have just had the 1st anniversary of her death at 44 yrs old....They will only accept the help if the want it.

DAVEMOFF,,,i couldnt have said it better myself.

he is still at it.. I am at my wit's end.. I kicked him out AGAIN only to let him come back bcause he had nowhere to go... I am on the verge of kicking him out again.. I need strength..

I'm sorry things didn't work. I myself have strugged with alcohol. A few years ago I was drunk everyday but was a "functional" alcoholic. I attended classes but I was always drunk and I wanted to die I was just waiting for my time. I also did other risky behaviors. My ex and my friends became so concerned that they reported me to campus police who eventually came to my room and did a search. I had a bottle of vodka that night and had already been drinking. I was lucky and not charged criminally but I was fined by the school. Even after all that I still was not able to stop drinking. The longest I have ever stopped was a few months then I go right back to it. It's the hardest thing to do. I currently drink 1-2 times a week but the desire is almost 24 hrs a day to drink. I have in my mind that alcohol will be what kills me but I don't want to stop. I try to live my life sober but it's very difficult and the only thing that keeps me going is my man. All I can tell you is be supportive of him if you want but if he is effecting your life negatively and making your work and happiness suffer then you need to walk away and do what is best for you. THere is nothing you can do to "cure" him. He has to make the decision and some people can never overcome it. Good luck in whatever you decide, don't ever feel guilty though.