Ok i need help.Fast !!!!! My man and i have decided to get married by poxy if he doesn't get parole. WE plan doing this on Sept.9, 2006 and I feel i have to tell my kid's before we get married,but he feels we need to wait till we are married.He is afraid if I tell them before they will think he is useing me.I need advice .....Take care

wow, this doesn't really seem like a matter of if he is black or not, but on the fact that you're getting married, period. it sounds like to me that they don't know about him? maybe i'm wrong, but if that's true, i think you definitely need to let them know. i personally have a hard time understanding how you could marry someone when you have kids and you haven't seen how that person is with your kids (not trying to offend anyone). you need to think of your kids first. i don't know how old your kids are, but unless they're adults, you need to know how he's going to treat them and how comfortable they are with him. your kids should always be your first priority. i don't see how the fact that's he black factors into anything. is your family against interracial relationships? for me, my family is very accepting and doesn't see anything wrong with interrelationships. but if they did, it wouldn't matter to me because i feel very strongly about being able to love and be with who you want regardless of their race. sorry if i'm way off base on any of my assumptions, you didn't give that much info in your post. :o

Well no one in my family knows about him.My kid's are grown kid's and yes they are my first priorty,that's why i'm not sure how to tell them...I raised them not to be racist but my oldiest one doesn't believe interracial and my son-in-law is a redneck for sure.It really doesn't matter how they are going to feel I love this man and we will be together,I just don't want my kid's hating me for loving him.

That's a tough one then. I was assuming your kids were younger. Since they're adults, my first thought is to tell them ahead of time, but let them know that you love this man and you are going to be with him no matter what. On the other hand, I would hate for them to do something to prevent the marriage... not sure what exactly, just make problems for you, I guess. I would hope that as your mother, they would respect your decisions. Do you or this guy give any *logical* reason for them to think he would be using you? If not, then go ahead and tell them. Sorry I couldn't be of much help. You know your kids best and how they will react to the situation. I think it's sad that anyone has a problem with interracial relationships, but I know a lot do on both sides. Good luck!

You just tell them- if you think it's important. Making a big deal of it reinforces their belief that his skin color defines who he is. You have to be the one to take the lead in this, be the role model, and refuse to entertain their prejudices. Good luck!

You just tell them- if you think it's important. Making a big deal of it reinforces their belief that his skin color defines who he is. You have to be the one to take the lead in this, be the role model, and refuse to entertain their prejudices. Good luck!

I agree. You're the Mother not the child.

Well - I Think That Since Your Kids Are Grown And Your Old Enough To Make Your Own Decisions - Then Marry This Man If You Really Love Him.

A Marriage Is A Beautiful Thing Between Two People, Its Not About Color. My Husband Always Says, You Cant Help Who You Fall In Love With.

My Best Wishes To You And Your Upcoming Marriage.

I agree with MrsSunnyB. You are an adult, and so are your kids! So, they can like it or lump it! For me (my husband is black) I never mention it to anybody what color he is, because I generally don't think about his color. People find out if they meet him or see his picture, but there is no need to point it out, becuase skin color is really not important. If he isn't getting out soon, why not just tell your kids you got married, and if they want to see a picture, show it to them. You don't owe them any explanation as to why you married a black man!

I agree with the fact that you are grown and you need to just go ahead and make yourself happy.. Why do you feel your children would be think that he is using you? Cause he is black or cause he is in prison?

I am guessing that your family are not other race friendly if you have to worry about how to tell them you are dating a black man.. Why does it matter his color? When it should be the content of his character, his level of respect and love for you, and the way you feel in return..

Tell your grown children and let them deal with it. After all they aren't babies and you can't live your life for them.

. . . I feel i have to tell my kid's before we get married,but he feels we need to wait till we are married.He is afraid if I tell them before they will think he is useing me......Take care
Whether you tell the kids you're getting married now or later their feelings and opinions won't stop no show, so why not tell them beforehand, especially since that's what you want to do.

I'm not comfortable with him asking you to purposely withold the marriage from your kids until after based on his fear they'll feel he's using you because to be honest, for him to want you to marry first does sound a little suspect to me. And once the kids find out you wanted to tell them ahead of time but you didn't because he didn't want you to, that would make them feel the same as me. Where is this notion that they'd think he's using you come from anyway?!

You can spring his blackness on the kids but fars the marriage goes -- can't no man make me go against what I want to do when it comes to what I brought into this world and what and when I want to share a part of me with them -- sorry.

Hun, it's okay that you stand up for yourself. That's what we need -- more/every white women with these Black men to stand up for themselves because that, my dear, if enough do it, will kill that thing that folks be believing that white women are more/will be more passive with them. Sistahs get aggressive for a reason -- THE SITUATION CALLS FOR ITcause sometimes brothas be a trip 'n a half and right now girl, yo mane is down in Trille trippin!!

HeSoHandsome--that is so true! Sometimes one of my husband's black friends will say to him, "I should get a white woman, they aren't as difficult as black women" and my husband will say, "Oh, not ALL white women are passive, have you met my wife?!"

If your relationship starts up wrong it will end up being wrong. Your children have every right to know and if they disagree then you need to deal with it but as far as them knowing, you owe that to them and to yourself. If he disagrees then maybe you need to take a good look into this relationship you have with him. Please do not take me wrong, I do not mean to offend just trying to help you out. Good luck to you...

Lonely

Hey girlie, I personally think that you should tell your kids ahead of time. You are grown and so are you children. You have raised them and now its your turn to be happy. Do what makes you happy despite what your kids think about him. If they don't like him because of his skin color then there are some deeper issues going on. Don't be totally passive to what your kids say but just make sure they know that he makes you happy and you both love each other. As far as them thinking he is using you, I guess he will have to prove that to them himself!!

Nicole

I say tell your kids too! When I first meet my Baby, I didnt tell my
son about him, he was 14 at the time. We fell deep in love and
i knew this was the man i was going to spend the rest of my
life with even though i would have to wait for him to get home
to me. Now my son is going on 18 and loves his step-dad more
than his own father. I say tell them give them a chance to
get to know him like you did, and love him for the person that
he is now, and not judge him because he is behind bars.
My son didnt have a issue with him being blk because he is
bi-racial hisself. But i know there is alot of issues with
interractial relationships, I have lived it my whole life!

I noticed MOST of the responses were either from Texas or a northern state. I live in SOUTHERN Georgia, very southern and rural. I realize Texas is a southern state, but I don't know how things are there. I think GA, AL, MS are probably the worst about racism. Well, let me clarify that. We have a northern Georgia and a southern Georgia and even southern Georgia is divided into east and west. Big difference between each region. I live in southwest Georgia and for the most part, especially my hometown, I am white trash since I am in love with a black man. My sister and a couple other people know, but no one else. The ones that know aren't so much worried about the color of his skin, its the fact he is in prison. I have grown kids and each would take this differently as far as his race--they would come around. The fact he is in prison--NOT. So, I have to break this news to them one day as well. LonelyOutThere, I understand completely and the "you just tell them" ain't that easy. My fiance' believes if they all meet him first and see how much he loves me, all will be well. Nice dream. I told him, he has 2 strikes already and my parents would never accept it. I'm over 40 and a grandmother, but they still try to tell me what I am and am not going to do. They give more than their 2 cents, but I love them and they mean well. They were just raised to have the wrong feelings about interracial couples.