Ok, right now I am so pissed at Rick. We got his presentencing report in the mail today, so I read it. Talk about depressing. So anyway, I called him to tell him and he's like "I'll read it when I get home, I'm busy". Click. We spent all this time and energy preparing letters from people, being completely accomodating to the probation office (what else can you do?!) because his lawyer told him how super important this report is in determining sentencing. What a bunch of BULL! It's just a regurgitation of his plea and his role in the "piracy conspiracy", a review of the guidelines and that his level REQUIRES his mimimum sentence to be served in prison. All of this, we knew! I thought the probation office could RECOMMEND a sentence based on the information we provided and the letters, etc. Rick kept telling me how nice I had to be to these people ~ like I wouldn't be?? ~ that everything depended on this report. How wrong he was.

Ok, so maybe I'm not mad at the right person. But I feel mad at Rick bec. he did this to us and our family. I feel mad because he isn't as mad as me about it. I feel mad because he won't even let me vent about how mad I am at the system!!! And when I do vent, he tells me there isn't anything he can do about it. Great. And in the next breath, he's telling me I can't have cable at my parents' house when he goes to jail bec. it will be too expensive. HELLO??? If he's in jail, I'll spend my $ on whatever I want! He's taken himself out of that equation on his own.

Does anyone else ever get mad at their sig. other about their situation? I do love Rick, but it's like he's not getting how important all of this is and how him being in prison is going to affect his son and my life. He's "accepted" the fact he'll have to go, but where does that leave me & Max??

Sorry this is so long, I'm just sitting here stewing. He won't even be home til late tonite. Figures.

5 weeks til sentencing.....

Colleen

That's right, when he's locked up you spend your money on whatever you want!! That's how I feel too, and if you want cable TV, you get it! Sometimes I have to remind my husband that it is MY money we are dealing with here not his. Sometimes he tries to pull that my stuff is his too, but as far as my money goes; well I just don't let him get away with that!! And another thing I had to remind him of is that I am not responsible for HIS gambling debts that he accumulates in there; I am not going to bail him out if he screws up. So he's had to figure out how to pay them off a few times by himself now. I know, sometimes it seems that we get more upset about this than they do!! For instance my husband says 'You can get used to anything, even being in the Hole'. I'm always worried about him y'know, that he'll get a major ticket or go to Seg or something horrible will happen and he'll get more time added onto his sentence. I found out that instead of worrying about him so much I should take care of myself. He's on top of his situation - and I ended up being the one getting restricted from visiting HIM!!!!!! Well, hang in there, things are bound to get better.

YEAH I GET MAD TOO.. I THINK THEY TRY TO ACT TOUGH LIKE IT DOES NOT BOTHER THEM BUT DEEP DOWN I THINK THEY ARE DYING.. IT IS HARD TO SAY SINCE THEY TRY TO KEEP THAT WALL UP..

COLLEEN-YES! YES! AFFIRMATIVE! I GET MAD AT RON ALOT- MOSTLY B/C I THINK HE MINIMIZES MY PAIN AND DIFFICULTIES I HAVE OUT HERE- HE HAS NEVER TOLD ME HOW I SHOULD SPEND MY MONEY-I THINK HE KNOWS BETTER THAN TO GO THERE- BUT HE DOES MAKE DEMANDS ON FREQUENCY OF LETTERS, VSISTS, ETC-AND HE KNOWS I AM WORKING OFTEN SIXTEEN HOURS A DAY AND WEEKENDS BUT HE SEEMS TO JUST CONVENIENTLY FORGET ABOUT THAT-ALSO SOMETIMES I HAVE SOMETHING TEAR UP AT THE HOUSE AND HE DOESNT WANT ME TO GET ANY HELP FIXING IT- WELL THERE ARE SOMETHINGS I JUST CANT DO- BUT HE SEEMS ANY INSTANCE WHERE I MAY HAVE CONTACT WITH A MALE AS A THREAT- SORRY, BUT WHEN SOMEONE IS FIXING MY TOILET-THAT MAN IS NO THREAT TO HIM- BUT IT IS LIKE HE WOULD RATHER ME KILL MYSELF TRYING TO DO IT ALL BY MYSELF JUST TO APPEASE HIS WORRIES-AND THAT MAKES ME MAD-B/C THAT IS SELFISH-GIRL, I HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR- USUALLY THE WAY I GET THROUGH IT IS TO TRY AND FOCUS ON WHAT HIS STATE OF MIND MUST BE THERE LOCKED UP FEELING POWERLESS, BUT I ALSO LET HIM KNOW I HAVE NEEDS TOO--AND THAT WHAT HE CAN DO FROM WHERE HE IS , IS BE LOVING AND SUPPORTIVE TO ME LIKE I AM TO HIM

I get angry but mostly I get overwhelmed. I am sometimes afraid and am lonely a lot, but I think that's all typical of an imate's wife. Wayne is demanding of my time in other ways. He wants information on this law or that program and thinks I should be able to find out anything from the lawyer or the DOC or the Parole Board. He's loving and supportive but he's got his emotions too. At times I get angry because he choses not to deal with or think about things at times. I try to put things in perspective and how would I deal with things if I was him.

Thanks, ladies! It's nice to know I'm not alone in this. I don't want to be mad at him, especially since we won't have much more time together. I think I expect too much, I'm trying to compensate for when he's gone, and I feel like he should be more supportive of me right now, too. I want to be there for him, bec. I know he's scared. But I can't shut down my own needs, either.

Just gotta keep communicating w/ each other, I guess, and hope for the best. (But I WILL spend my $ on whatever I want/need!!!)

You all are the greatest ~ stay strong!!

Colleen

OK... so I am a little late in responding to this... but yep.... JD does all the things that these other women have mentioned and I can totally relate to your frustration.... what I have learned is that when JD gets so incredibly self-centered that he can't see past the tip of his nose, it is usually because he is struggling so much with his own feelings, he just doesn't have it in him to even try to think of anyone else's perspective OR feelings OR needs.... from your original post it sounds like while you are in the anger stage, your hubby may be in the denial stage.... not that he doesn't know he is going, but he would just rather not think about it... he wants to avoid thinking about it, talking about it, etc. as a means of avoiding all of the feelings he will/does have about it...
Just hang in there... he will go through many stages.... but from what I have seen, this group can relate to them all!!
:) Peace.........

GREAT INFO AND OBSERVATIONS SHAWNA... ALWAYS A GOOD THING TO GET THE CLINICAL SIDE OF IT. lOl :)

I would be mad too. Especially in situations like these.

I get frustrated with Billy when he acts like I can do anything I want out here. Yes, I can do anything, but out of respect for Billy I stay loyal to him and consider his feelings with everything I do. He stays on my mind all the time, but he thinks that I'm just partying-down with everyone while he's locked up away from everybody. No, it's not the case. I'm not happy at all and I can't have fun knowing that he's locked up and can't enjoy the experience with me.

Sometimes, he just doesn't understand and that bothers me the most.

I KNOW JUST HOW YOU FEEL DENISE-

Thanks Sherri

Denise,
I think you're right ~ they sometimes think we're out here having all the fun. What they don't realize is that we have twice the responsibility now that they aren't here. We have to earn the money, pay the bills, make sure we have a place to live, take care of the kids, take care of ourselves mentally and physically, and try not to go crazy with loneliness! That sound like fun to you? NOT! This is what was making me mad ~ the idea he had that since he won't be here, I can do whatever I want and it will be so great somehow for me. Yes, I want the freedom to choose what I spend my $ on, but it's not like I'll have much $ OR much fun either way! *sigh*

The emotions of all of this are so complicated sometimes. Does anyone know if they can get counselling in prison? Is it any good? I think we both could really benefit from it.

Colleen

Colleen....
From what I have seen, there isn't much good therapy going on inside the walls... here in IL they have positions called "correctional counselors" but they are nothing more than case managers.. they dont' actually do ANY counseling... That's an issue with me... Us actual "professional counselors" are working to have our title protected... But I wouldn't plan on getting any actual therapy while he is incarcerated... (unfortunately, because we all know how badly it is needed... imagine the impact on recidivism if it WAS offered?!?!)

I am really late in posting this, but I have the same types of problems w/EJ. He seems to think I can do anything like looking things up for his lawsuit, typing chapters for the book he is doing, calling down to DOC to tell them that he needs to talk to his doctor or about the stupid mail situation. He also gets on my case when letters are slacking which they never are, but because of the "wonderful" mailroom there he gets them late. He always seems to want these things like NOW!! Of course he tells me to take my time, but then in his calls & in the next set of letters after he asks me that's pretty much all he writes is "did you call this person or do this" type of stuff!

I get so mad & tell him that I can't do everything, I can't be calling the prison all the damn time because I have to call during the day while I am at work. I have no privacy whatever to call & talk to people there.
It's so frustrating at times!! I guess we have to make them see that we have a ten tons of things we have to deal w/on our own & they need to be a little patient & try to see things from our side.

BOY CAN I EVER RELATE TO THE ANGER THING RIGHT NOW....
I COULD REALLY ALLOW MYSELF TO GO BALISTIC.... I AM MAD AT THE D.O.C. AND EVERYONE CONNECTED, I AM MAD REALLY MAD AT BUTCH, I AM MAD AND HURT AT RENEE. I DON'T WANT TO BE ANGRY AND I AM MAD AT MYSELF FOR BEING.... SO.....I CAN RELATE VERY CLOSELY TO ALL OF YOUR FLUSTRATIONS.... I AM REALLY DOING A BATTLE WITHIN MYSELF RIGHT NOW...

MY LOVE
DONNA

Really? Do you girls really discuss and sometimes argue about who what and why the toilet needs to be fixed and if the cable is on?

I would just get what needs to be done the best way I can I I'm not going to talk about it before or defend my actions about it later.

I don't know, Maybe too much information is not that healthy for your men in prison? That they have to render advise in fixing the plumbing or how you budget your household ? But that opinion is coming from me who is extremely independent.

Billy is coping pretty well I think. He's been locked up for 2 years and he has 2 left to go. I think that he's starting to look forward to the future and coming home.

He has a lot of mood swings though. One moment he'll be happy and goofy then if I say something wrong, he'll be a totally different person.

If I don't constantly write him every day or every other day, then he starts to think that I've given up on him. He's very moody, but not like he was before when all this began.

In a way, I think that prison has helped him. He is clean and sober, and he has his head on straight. He can think much clearer about things. Although I hate that he's there and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Maybe if he hadn't gotten this time, he might be dead. It looks like to me, with our situation, that's where he was headed.

I am speaking for myself & EJ in that he wants to know what is bothering me & things I need to do for myself & such. He wants to feel like he is a part of my life by wanting to know everything that goes on. So I tell him & he helps me out in anyway that he can, yes we have disagreed about a few things, but on the whole he has helped me out a whole bunch in seeing things differently & really just being there for me through all the times good & bad!!!

Billy's like that in a some ways. If I'm having a bad day or a problem, he tries to help out. On occasion, he'll get his dad to give me some roses. (he works at a florist shop)

All in all, we have a great and strong relationship. There's just some times that we get on each other's nerves. We hardly disagree either. We always talk out our problems. It's just that we both have good and bad days...like everyone.

I love him to death and I wouldn't leave him for anything. He's my heart.

Denise....

That's the way EJ & I are. He can always tell when he calls me if something is up & he always wants to know. We hardly disagree as well, we both see the middle ground on a lot of things. His situation being in prison is different from me being outside, but he at least sees my point on many things & the same goes for me.

Since EJ can't send me roses he will send me cards w/roses on them because he knows they are my favorite flower.

I love my EJ SOO MUCH...there have been many times when I have thanked my guardian angel for letting us both have to opportunity to find our Soul Mates in each other! :dance:

Torrey
I think you may have misunderstood ~ I don't ask for Rick's opinion about what needs to be paid or fixed. HE is trying to tell me how to live while he's away. That is the problem I was having. I pay the bills and always have in our relationship. I know better than anyone what we can and can't afford. I resent being treated like a child who can't make my own decisions if he's not here. I feel like he doesn't respect the fact that I am perfectly capable of being independent. That is what I was angry about. Also, Rick isn't in prison yet ~ he's still home. He goes to sentencing July 19th.

Once he's in prison, I will need to make decisions about my life and our son's life without automatically consulting Rick about the details. He needs to trust me on this ~ and I think he's nervous about giving up that control. I've been a stay at home mom for 7 1/2 years, so he's gotten used to being the bread-winner and being needed. I know he's nervous that if I CAN live without him here, that I might actually WANT to live w/out him when he comes home. So I think he's still wanting to have some control of what I spend and what I do in order to keep his hand in our lives.

I understand his desire to still feel like "the man" and contribute to our lives even while he's away. I'll definitely let him know what's going on, especially w/ our son. He deserves to know what's going on and I would like him to feel as much a part of our family as he can in this situation. We still have a relationship, no matter where he is. We need to be able to communicate about all sorts of things, but I want him to respect the decisions that I make on my own.

Colleen

COLLEEN- I AGREE AND FEEL VERY MUCH THE WAY YOU DO TOO. TORREY-I DONT THINK THEY MAKE WOMEN MUCH MORE INDEPENDENT THAN ME- BUT IT IS A MATTER OF MAKING RON SEE THAT HE IS STILL A PART OF OUR EVERY DAY LIFE-HE FEELS SO SEPERATE RIGHT NOW-LIKE COLLEEN SAID ABOUT RICK, I THINK RON WORRIES BECAUSE HE KNOWS I AM CAPABLE OF HANDLING THINGS ON MY OWN, AND I DON'T "NEED" HIM TO TAKE CARE OF ME-- ISSUES THAT SEEM MINISCULE SHOULD BE DISCUSSED IF THEY CAUSE PROBLEMS-I THINK COMMUNICATION IS SO IMPORATNT WHETHER YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT GETTING MARRIED OR FIXING A TOILET.

I think that's it - I make an effort to try and make Wayne feel he is still an equal partner in our relationship. I ask for feedback and suggestions on all major decisions and even some small ones (like which car mechanic to use, etc.). Ultimately, we both realize, that I have got to make those decisions and follow through with them. He has to trust me, just as I trust him to lovingly support any decision I make.

From a guy's point of view.

There's a big difference in being "wanted and being "needed" for most younger guys, even some olderest's.

Being wanted is a relationship thing. Being needed is there manhood. Take away there manhood, (provider), and they are at a lose in how to operate within a relationship. They go hand in hand, as a whole within the family unit.

So, being locked up, he's only half of what he was ....... bottom line. Some guys, handle it better then others, and are thankfull for a woman that can handle things until they return.

A small group of guys, don't give a Rat's Ass one way or the other, and operated that way on the outside too. There called "LOOSER'S"!

AS ALWAYS BRay, THAT IS THE ANSWER.... ALL GUYS DO HANDLE THINGS VERY DIFFERENT FROM FEMALES..... THEY DO HAVE TO HAVE THE FEELING THAT THEY ARE THE HEAD OF THE HOUSE PER SE....... GUYS HAVE BEEN RAISED THAT WAY... THEY ARE THE PROVIDER AND PERSON WHO MUST CARRY THE WEIGHT OF ALL THINGS ON THEIR SHOLDERS... THEY ARE EVEN TAUGHT THAT AS GUYS, THEY SHOULD NOT CRY OR SHOW EMOTION.. (THAT IS BEGINNING TO GO AWAY THANK GOD)
BE PAITENT WITH THEM AND LOVE THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE...

LOVE YA
DONNA