:angry:

Okay, I really need some advice here. My man called me tonight and he sounded kind of funny. Right off, he was slurring his words all together and I had to have him repeat himself. So he does, and the conversation goes on. And he is talking really low and sounding really funny. I kept asking him what was wrong. One of the things he said to me was, I am so sick of being in here. I am so sick of people getting high and not caring about anybody else. These people don’t care about anything or anybody. He said he was just sick and tired of dealing with the **’s in here. Okay, so I let it go. The call ended, and it dawned on me, he was high as hell. This is the first time this has happened since we have been back together for about a month. Yes, he has had a problem with it in the past. Has this happened to anybody else out here? Is there something I can do? What kind of justice system do we have here? And yet society wonders why some people don’t change? I know he is bored as hell in there. It is just a county jail, they can’t go outside and don’t get to do a lot of the things that they get to do in state prisons. I am not going to turn my back on him, instead I am looking for suggestions on how to help him in this situation. I don’t think he will admit what he did, as he knows I can’t stand it. But I know what he did. He wasn’t himself at all, wow, that really changed him. Anybody out there have any words for me?
Thanks!

I see many red flags, there, Deb. He is not going to do what you want. He will do what HE wants. And he will not admit to you or to himself that he has a problem, no matter what you may say or do. HE is the one who must realize he has a problem and HE is the one who must ask for help. You say you've been back together for only a month - so please take it slow and easy with him. I'd hate to see you get hurt - emotionally or physically!

Thank you Doc's Sis. He has been acting like a complete ass since Friday. I cannot deal with him. I hung up on him last night. I don't like drama, and it's been nothing but that since Friday. I wrote him a letter which he received Friday, and I had some things I needed to talk to him about, and I guess he didn't like them, but I feel without communication, there can be no relationship, so I opened up and this is what I got. :(
Oh Well, if he continues, it is HIS Loss NOT MINE. My heart is hurt though. I have loved him for so long, and I thought that this time it would work out. :broken::cry:

Deb

Deb,
We do love them, and we,of course,want things to work out. Doc' s Sis is correct, he has to admit he has a problem. He cannot want to change for you, or his family, or anyone else except himself, for any rehab to work, and the first step to this is him admitting he does have a problem. By writing a letter and expressing how you are feeling, does help address the issue with him. Dealing with an addict is a bumpy ride for sure, but should he show remourse and really admit he is wrong and has a problem, be there to support him. Do not give up hope too soon. Communication is the best thing you can do in any relationship. ********************{Deb}}}}}}}}}}} we are here for you. Stay strong, I know this is not easy at all, but you are not alone!!!!!!!!

This stuff goes on in quite a few county facilities. You know somehow/someway those deputies have to know what is going on. I am always amazed at the stories I hear. One positive thing you can do is not make any money available to your man while he is in there. He won't get the stuff free for long and if he has no money, he won't be able to indulge. Just a thought.

My BF is in a detention center, and about 2 weeks ago he had a court appearance, which I was able to watch them lead him out of the courthouse on the news. And I thought watching it that he was acting ALOT strange. He called me that night, and I said to him, If I didn't know any better I'd say you were drunk. (my BF hasn't had any drug or alcohol issues in the past, he's always been just a casual drinker, never drugs) On the phone he tells me that he is just really exhausted because he hadn't slept in 24 hours worrying about the appearance in court. So I let it go. Yesterday I get a letter and he tells me he promises he wasn't drunk on his court appearance but that the next night he was given some "Jailhouse Vino" is what he called it. He said that he had to be honest with me, because he couldn't believe that I had had like a six sense about him drinking. Even w/o him having issues with drinking this bothered me. Because even though he says he wasn't drunk for court, I'm having trouble believing him. I just don't think he needs to add anything more to his situation. I haven't put all my feelings together yet to address this with him. A part of me wants to just blow it off, he's under a lot of stress and a few cups of moonshine isn't a big issue. But I feel that I am not sending him money to get drunk. I know if he was here with me and after work he stopped to have a few beers with the guys that it wouldn't be an issue at all. So I don't know why it bothers me so now.
I really don't have much advice to give you, because I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this situation. I just thought I'd share because it had just happened to me.
Good luck to you!

Thanks for your advice. I really need it right now. I am pretty hurt and upset about the way he is treating me ALL of a sudden. But to think of it, I gave him some money about three weeks ago on a Thursday, and Friday he was picking at our relationship again. Monday, we worked it out. So things were fine.

Then again THIS Friday...But I hadn't given him any money. I do things for him to help other inmates...make phone calls, look things up on the internet...etc...perhaps that is the enabling that is helping him. He says he get things from Commissary from them for him helping him...hmmm

If we even make it through this arguement, I am no longer going to do things like that for him. Perhaps this is how he is able to get his hands on them.

Listen to this, last night I looked somethings up on the internet for a 'friend' of his, he said he charged him 10.00. After he found out that I couldn't find the information the guy needed, he said he was still going to charge him anyway, and I did end up sending a letter to his lawyer e-mail for the guy.

He said, I will call you back in ten minutes..He called me back like 25 minutes later, and lo and behold, and arguement started because of his nonsense.

He admitted to me about 6 yrs ago he had a problem, but swore he didn't use anymore....crack was the drug. Now I am seriously wondering if he is lying about that. I guess it is better to face it now rather than later. I am just going to wait and see what happens. He hasn't called me today. But I did have to leave the house early about 7:45, to teach my Children's Church class today. I got home around 1:30, and the phone hasn't rang. That isn't unusual though. He likes to call after 7:00. Perhaps he won't even call tonight....at this point I do and I don't care if he does. I am having mixed emotions. Okay, thanks so much for listening...and your support.
Deb

Glad to hear you've begun to see those red flags, Deb. And you are right about not enabling him to buy illegal things while in jail. Truthfully, you aren't supposed to be making phone calls (regular or 3 way) for other inmates. If found out, your guy could lose his phone privileges! And I'd keep the internet research at a minimum also OR is he paying for your time/paper/printer ink/postage? And he's going to charge the other guy anyway for nothing?

I don't know, Deb, but does he sound like someone you'd want to spend the rest of your life with?? Pray about it and ask for God's guidance in your decision making. Keep both eyes open and if you have any doubts at all, then listen to those doubts. God bless!

deb,

I think you are on the right track with what you are planning on doing. But keep in mind even if you with hold everything, he can still get the stuff. He can sell his trays in exchange. If you take action against the system you could be putting him in further danger. KEEP YOUR EYES Open, but lead with your heart. You'll know what to do.

Thank you all. Let me say this, my guy is not All bad, okay. Would I like to spend the rest of my life with him...hell yeah! Without the drugs of course. If I can't have it without the drugs, I won't be with him. He has the most beautiful heart that I have ever encountered. So please don't take my asking for advice like he is some kind of complete jerk...because he is not.

BILLY'S...Could you explain further by what you mean I could put him in danger? No matter how upset I am or could be, I wouldn't do anything to make his misery worse, I just want to be sure there isn't something I am missing.

I know what I have to do, now that I see. Thank you all.
Deb

Deb,

Snitches are not taken very kindly in the cells. Please consider every reaction to every action you do.

My prayers are with you

Deb,

Snitches are not taken very kindly in the cells. Please consider every reaction to every action you do.

My prayers are with you

And my prayers are with you as well.. stay strong!

Make him a jailhouse snitch? It doesn't seem like you are helping with this situation at all; you are just making her scared. Deborah, you are not his personal errand girl while he's locked up. Drugs are VERY EXPENSIVE in prison or jail, and if you DO cut him off the favors, you will at least know that YOU aren't paying to support his addiction. That in itself is a good thing and should make you feel more in control of the situation. Good luck. :)

Thank you ocpyropunk. I don't even know where the snitch stuff came up. I don't think I said anything about that. I was simply looking for some insight into this situation. He won't snitch, we have talked about things in the past and I know where he stands on that. Furthermore, I would not do anything to put him in any kind of danger, whether I was angry at him or not. NEVER. I couldn't live with myself.
Deb

Deb,

I didn't mean to scare you. If the favors have all been paid before you cut him off, then everything will be fine.

Hugs Deb, I know BBgirl meant well, she really did not mean to scare you, and we all are hoping for the best in your situation- always!!! We are here for you!

Hi Deb,
I just read thru this thread and wanted to let you know you are not alone...I just sent mine a 4 page (typewritten) letter because of his "attitude". Mine wasn't using as far as I know, and I usually can tell, but sometimes addicts don't have to be high to act like donkey's tail ends. It is hard to tough love them, but if we truly do love them, we will not eneable them. Eternal Hope and the others have given sage advise, stand your ground. He will act like a hooked fish at first, fighting to break away, but if God has it for you, then he will come back around. At least this is what has happened with us before, and is what I am waiting on now. My letter will make him think and will remind him of unbendable boundaries that he must adhere to if he wants to be with me. I have learned that it takes some processing time for them to get back around to being sensible though. The good news is that every time I stand up for myself, it takes less and less time for him to "get it"

Much luck to you, I will be standing in prayer with you...

19 guards in Indiana got let go for bringing counterband and other infractions into the prisons. It was posted on this site. So yes they can easily get it. Scary!!!! Sorry if I offended anyone but I was so shocked. Good luck to you and I hope for the best for you. I should have said on PtO. Jackie

Hi everyone. He called tonight. At first it was rocky, I told him the last favor was in the mail, and that I wasn't doing anything for anybody in there anymore. The only person I cared about in that whole place was him. He said, I was thinking about that too, I am not going to ask again. I will go without, he says food...yeah right. anyway. Well, I know he gets food, he cuts hair and the guys give him snacks and the such, so I am not going to feel sorry. I just am not going to support what I think happened. Then the conversation went on and we had a nice one and it ended nicely and I will see him Thursday.
Hopefully this is the end of the situation.
Thanks for all your help and your insight, it made me open my eyes to a situation I really didn't know about.
God Bless You ALL!! :thumbsup:

Deb,

I'm so glad everything went well for you. Please hang in there. ****{BIG HUGS}}}

Deb,

Snitches are not taken very kindly in the cells. Please consider every reaction to every action you do.

My prayers are with you

I think you misunderstood her. She said that she typed a letter to the attorney of another inmate - a letter that the inmate wanted to send to his attorney and wanted it typed (written professionally). She didn't say she was going to tell any of this stuff about drinking or drugs to an attorney.

I'm glad you're making some of the decisions you are, Deb. And if he calls it all off because you won't do so many favors or send money, then that is how it has to be and you'll deal with it. Yes, you have strong feelings for him and YES, he has this big heart! I get it.

I was married to an alcoholic who was the most loving, caring husband in the world - when sober. However, when drunk he was the most terrible person in this world and I had the bruises and injuries to show for it. Then when he'd sober up, he'd even shed tears, tell me how much he loved me, apologize and buy me gifts. It becomes an endless cycle that you don't want to be in.

Hey Deb,

I completely understand your struggle between enabling and protecting. All of these posts are right: he doesn't need money to get stuff, and the money you put on the books can either enable or protect. Your loved one had a problem with crack, and he can relapse at any time, be it a day, a year, or a decade from now. Boredom and depression are key triggers for addictive behaviors. That said, if you don't give him money, you're lessening that chance he can readily use. Believe me, he can protect himself. If he wants drugs, he'll do anything, and your money only makes it worse (and easier).

My prayers are with you. A word of hope... The first time my ex was in jail, I visited every month, and he was high most of the time. Not a year later, he was arresteed again. Now, he's spent more time in jail than before and went to prison yesterday. He's sober. Have faith, have hope, but don't enable. Your guy needs to walk his own road...