Hello,
I am new here, and I am married to a crack addict. He is also an abuser. We have been married ten years. Long story short, I have drawn my boundaries with him. I have made it clear that drugs and abuse are deal breakers for me. SInce then, we have been doing well ( it has ony been since May that this came about) and then on Monday he calls me, and in the conversation tells me his brother is worried about him coming back here after he gets out (there is no longer a no contact on him, he will be done with parole) because after all, I AM the one who originally sent him up the 1st and 2nd times he went in (for the DV). I tell him this irritates me and he starts to go off. I end the conversation, sticking to my guns. I refuse to dance with him this way any more.

Then I get his letter today. All I can say is "verbal vomit". He is back to blame and shame, of course none of HIS choices got him where he is today..it is ALL my fault, even this last violation, which I was no where around for. He relapsed, and got a new case. In the letter he somehow manages to convince himself that I even was behind the 12 months flat he got this time because, of course, I REALLY want him in there, not home with me, helping me with the bills, and our life together. At first I am angry:angry: :angry: and then, I pray, and go to hurting:( :( . I pray some more. I then sat down and wrote the letter that I have known would be coming for quite some time. I am careful not to enter into the game of blame and shame as it serves no purpose. I do manage to speak my truth and honestly say I am no longer willing to be abused by him in any way, including letters like this. I feel peace. I also feel much pain.:( I feel pain because I know that I am ready to walk away. I do not want to, but, depending on how this plays out, I am ready to. I feel relieved to have spoken the truth in love but it also makes me sad.

Regardless of the outcome, I will rest in the knowledge that I walked it thru as my Lord would have...with love and compassion, not with anger and bitterness. I have placed the ball and the responsibility of owning his actions totally back in his court. If he wants to play ball with me, there will be no compromising the rules of the game any longer.

Addicts tend to see things in the light of their twisted perspective, I know, I am also an addict. Because of this I know I have come to the point in our marriage that I have to "let go and let God" handle the final resolution in his heart. IF he can manage to get to a real place of ownership, there is hope for us, if he can't, well, I pray he gets where he needs to.

He called while I was writing my letter, and I managed to not discuss it with him, even though he knows I got his letter and he was scratching for a fight. I did not give him one. I told him I flatly refused to discuss it with him. I am no longer willing to be bullied into discussions I am not emotionally prepared for, no longer willing to be a scapegoat.

All of this IS empowering, but it hurts like hell. I am definately not the girl he married. I am just not sure he truly understand that yet. I am praying he comes to understand...

Thanks for this place, it helps just to be able to say these things "out loud"

Sorry your going thru this with your man. I too, was married to an addict before and it's no fun at all. Stick to your guns. You deserve to be happy. Good luck.

You really sound like you know what your doing. I wish you the best in all of this. I have loved an addict and played the game with him for years. Even after we were long and over. I could not get out of the game with him. I did learn that he is an addict that doesn't think that he needs to change or anything is wrong but medical problems and just the way he looks anymore could say different but he has made his choice in life and I will not let the girls or I be in that game anymore.. Stand Strong cause this is one hard road to go down.

He will eventually realize your out of the game. Its called tough love and I have used it and have had it used on me. It got me clean and has kept me clean for 14 years now. Sometimes its too late to ever mend the relationship but its an act of love and an act of self-preservation. People were as sick and tired of me as I was sick and tired of the lifestyle. I am grateful to the man that tough loved me. That relationship ended but his stand made me take a stand with my addictions. My bf is incarcerated for possession and I can deal with it using my own past experiences. I do not enable him or allow him to lay blame anywhere but where it belongs. With himself. Lisa

Hang in there. Tough love is the best. Keep up the good work. My prayers are with you ********{BIG HUGS}}}}}

Angelica and Amy Lynn - thank you for the kind words asnd support. It means so much to remember I am not alone in this battle.

Lisa- thanks for these reminders. It is tough love, tough not only on him but on me. I do know though that it is the only hope our marriage can have. I am trying just to be in the moment, stay in character, and leave the results up to God. I have learned that sometimes the best way to love him is to release him to himself-to his thoughts and fears.

BBG-thanks so much for the support. I have sead some of your posts, in fact, yesterday, before all of this went down ad I know it was God preparing me for what He knew was in front of me last night. I am so grateful for this place.

Just wanted to come and share where I am at so far today. I am in the process of all of the emotions that come with loving an addict/abuser. I did not sleep well because I kept thinking of things I wanted to add to my letter to him. Most of them were things I would have said in the past, attacking back. I did go back this morning and read my letter and I did change some things but I kept it as it was intended, without accusations and without the games of the past.

This morning, I came here and found some solcae in the replies and in some other posts I read. I am truly grateful to God for bringing me here to PTO. He knew I needed to be here so I can be supported in my stand with Norman. I have called my sponser, and I have been before the Lord, crying and in prayer. I want so much to handle my part in this relationship differently. I want to no longer REact but to act from a place of tought love. So far, I think I am doing thaat, but man, it is SO HARD. :eek:

He is supposed to call this morning at 7:30 to get an address that I did not have last night. I am pretty much dreading that call. I intend to stick to only the address and other, unimportant issues in the conversation. I am wanting to stand firm in not allowing him to continue this stuff he has dumped on me. Last night when he called, he tried to manipulate me...said he loved me...and was going down the path of "you know I only wrote that letter for your own good..." but I stopped him. Another load of cr*p.

As I sit here, I feel beaten up emotionally. I feel tossed around, but I also feel as though I am making forward progress. I am asking God to direct every word from my mouth and every action I take concerning this matter. I want no more part in the dance of destruction.
please keep me in your prayers today.

You are a Strong Woman and I commend you for the battle you have taken on. Comming from experience, it will get worse before it gets better, but it WILL get better. Just rember, God gives us only what we can handle. Never more Never less. Stay strong and you will come out with exactly what it is you need. God bless you!

Kingscowgirl,
I understand what you are going through, and praise you for the tough love you have shown. I realize the range of emotions you are feeling right now, and I do sympathize with you!! We are all very glad that found PTO, and that just being able to share and receive the support we feel is helping you to get through this part of the journey in your life. You will definitely be in my prayers, today, and always....I know this is tough, but we are here for you!!! Never forget that!!!!!!!
************************{BIG HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm praying for you also. I'm married to an addict as well, yet mine is learning to manage his addiction & turning more toward God every day. It could have easily have turned out just like your situation, though (it took 2 revocations to get where he is right now).

Stay strong.

You've got my sympathies . . . he's got 2 separate, but related problems - the addiction and the abusiveness. The first is much easier to manage than the second, as you're becoming well aware of. He's in prison, and not drugging, but he can still manage the verbal abuse! You're going to have to keep being very strong to avoid firing back at him when you talk in real time; I know. It's hard not to let him shove all the blame on you, and as soon as you point out what he's doing, another topic of your failing will start up, and then another. Then suddenly lovey-dovey, then back to blame. . . Be very clear in your mind that YOU are more important than your marriage, and do not let either the abuse or the *lovingness* sway you.
Best of luck!

Hang in there and stick to your guns,you sound like a very strong woman and while this is and will be hard and painful you can do it (((HUGS)))

EH-Thank you so much for the encouragement and prayers...it does help to know I am not alone

Sandra-Thank you for your words as well...he has made big strides toward curbing his anger. He has participated willinglly in the classes as well as individual counseling. That was all mandatory before he was allowed to come back home this last time. I took my stand then, and am standing on it still. I think that is why when the anger does sometimes show up like this, out of nowhere it sometimes hurts more than ever before. I am not sure that makes sense but that is how it feels...they say "2 steps forward, 1 back". What remains now is to see if he is willing to own it and take another step forward. Without forward progress, we have nothing to hope for.

Nim & Cali- thank you both so much for the encouragement and support.

Wanted to update about the call yesterday morning. It went better than I had expected. He called with much love, of course, and I told him I loved him too but still did not want to talk about the letter he sent. He went along with this and we talked for a few minutes about our daughter and some things that are going on with her (She is 19).

After a few minutes, I felt like I needed to say to him "you know you are my heart". I was choked up a bit and was thinking of my letter to him which I had just finished when I said it. He said he did know that and I was his heart too, and then he said "when you say things like that it scares me, like you are going to do something". I know this is part of the manipulation that he does. It did feel good though to for a moment have him thinking about whether or not he might be getting a "dear John" letter. I did let him know that he had nothing to worry about, that I was ok, just not willling to discuss this with him on the phone. I did not tell him I was sending a letter. I want the full impact of my words to happen as he gets it and reads it, not for him to have time to think about and project about it.

I could tell when we ended the call, he was scared, and I think that is a good thing. I don't mean that in a manipulative way, but I think that is the best way he really gets things some times. When he knows I am at my limit and the boundaries may change. I am sending the letter out today. It has been prayed over, and I am praying it reaches him in God's timing, so he can hear it and understand, instead of continuing the drama.

Today, I am sad and even a bit nervous about it, but I am mailing it. There is that old part of me that trembles a bit when I stand up for myself. I know it is the right thing, and I know I am safe, but old habits die hard. His abuse of me has mostly been emotional and verbal, and so I guess the fear is that he will retaliate against the letter. Regardless, I know it is the right thing for me, and what is in it needed to be said. I spoke the truth in love, and the rest is between him and God.

My plan for today is to keep busy, although what I want to do is crawl back under the covers and cry and sleep and drown myself in Liftetime movies. SOmethimes, I do allow this for myself, but today I know that behavior like that will lead to depression and I do NOT want to go there. So, business will ahve to be the course of action.

He is supposed to call either tonight or tomorrow. I found myself glad this morning that he did not call yet. I pray God 's timing for that next call. Thanks again for letting me have this space to vent and get this all out. It is part of how I keep my own sobriety going. The enemy wants nothing more than to drag me back, but I am NOT having any of that. It os God's way alone for me, one day at a time.

Blessings,

. . . I am definately not the girl he married. . . .
Thanks for this place, it helps just to be able to say these things "out loud"
And he's definitely not the man you thought you married. That's marriage for you, and, that's why they have divorce. People don't always get that person they thought they had before marrying, that Romeo they believe they have when they get their "I Do" on.
My main thing with him is the abusiveness -- that's just too much. My husband was an addict too, but not ever was he abusive and crazy with me. Actually, because hiding is a symptom of the drug, he didn't want me to see him in that condition (tore up) so when he did come around he tried to act and be his normal, which was sweet and loving.

With the drugs your husband is destroying himself and with the abuse he's destroying you. Girl don't wait until there's nothing left to yourself before making some moves. When it comes to abuse, you really should have been made some moves.

Bless you Girl, and I'm sorry.

HSH- thanks for the reply. For me, divorce is not an option. Living apart, until he has himself in check is, however. I do have a zero tolereance for the abuse, which is why I wrote the letter. It is 100% unacceptable, and I will not live with it. What I meant when I said I was not the girl he married is that I have grown and changed for the better through this experience. I have learned that I am a worthwhile and deserving person, and that I do not have to compromise myself for any other human being. While I understand that most abuseive situations turn for the worst, I have taken steps from day one to take care of mysellf first, and require changes from him before moving forward. So far, we are making forward progress, but it is just that...progress. We are not there yet. That is why I sent the letter. I am reiterating the boundaries.

As an update, I sent the letter Saturday. I have not heard from him yet this weekend, but expect he will call today ot tomorrow. He should get the letter by Wednesday or so. I have prayed over it and am trusting that God will get it to him when his spirit is ready to reaceive it. Times and trials like these hel;p me in learning to trsut God. For me, it is a daily walk, and I have to depend on God's leading for each step. I spent the weekend taking care of me...with friends, staying busy. This morning, I am grounded, and I know I have done what is right and have taken care of me in the process. For now, it remains to be seen what the outcome is. It is in God's hands...

So, if divorce is not an option, what the heck do you plan on doing if he doesn't manage to change? I'm not heckling, I am really wondering how you would go forward with this kind of anchor around your neck.
Also, make sure to educate yourself more and more about abuse - when you said it was emotional and verbal . . . it sounded a little like "well, as long as it doesn't get physical..." And that's a real worry for me - you can be every bit as beaten by words as by fists, just have different wounds. Having to live with what you know is manipulation, constantly trying not to step in the next bear-trap, is exhausting (and fruitless) and not the way to live a good life.

Nim- Divorce is not an option for me because of my faith. That is for me, I do not say it is right or wrong for anyone else. If he does not change, he will not live under the same roof as me. If, at some point God leads me to divorce, I will cross that bridge, but for now, it is a closed door. As for the "as long as it does not get physical" portion of your response, I am all too aware of that part of abuse. I was severly beaten and sexually abused as a child so NO, that is NEVER an option. It is in fact what landed my husband on his first term. The first time it got physical, I drew the line, and I stand by it today. I am also drawing lines for the verbal and emotional abuse. My earlier postings reflected that I thought.

This post is listed under the drug section because I am dealing with an addict. As a recovering addict myself, I know the power of God to change hearts. I know, because I am a completely different person from the one I used to be. I was abusive and angry and destructive. Today, none of those things describe me. For me, I understand that abuse of any kind is not acceptable, but I also know first hand that it usually stems from a hurting person who is lashing out to hurt another. Keeping boundaries intact when you love an addict is the only way I have seen that allows them to take responsibility for their actions and seek change. I love this person, and he is not one dimensional, none of us are. Yes, he has abusive patterns, and they are never ok. But he is also a loving human being who has issues he has been taking steps to change. I have no desire to "throw the baby out with the bathwater". In no way was I nor am I trying to paint a one-sided negative picture of this person. It is simply not a "black and white" issue. Life is lived mostly in the grey areas. I am clear on the boundaries of my grey area, and I do not allow him to cross those boundaries.

I have read some of your other postings and I get the impression you have been deeply hurt by an abuser. I respect that. I respect the choices you have made to protect yourself. I began this thread in a spirit of wanting to process through my experience and a desire to share and possibly help others though similar experiences. Not all abusers are hopeless. Every person is created by God...it is what we each choose to do with the choices we are given that determines whether we keep abusing or make changes. And only God can see to a heart and know the true motive. For me, I do not trust my husbands motives...he is human, but I do trust God and I know I will be ok, whatever the outcome. Whether my husband changes his abusive patterns is not my battle, it is between him and God. As I trust in God, what I need to know about my husbands motivesd will be revealed to me. I have given it to God because that is where I find my peace. That is where I keep my sanity.

Thank you for your thoughts...I know they come from a concerned heart.:)

The best of luck to both of you! You are correct about the fact that I have been hurt by an abuser . . . and he became a *minister* later in his life. I doubt he was a good one, since his entire efforts to help with his child amounted to $5 for a birthday present for his first birthday. He did reappear when my son was 28 - to let him know that he was dying of lung cancer - (still all about him) - and the only thing I can be sure of is that the sef-centeredness never changed. I have seen only one abuser change (if drugs were not involved), and that was through a heroic effort on his part (and incidentally, I've not yet seen a female manage to make that change). We have all celebrated him as a most unusual and wonderful person, and a gift to have around, now. So my outlook on the syndrome of abuse is unfortunately colored by a miserable recovery rate, which, as I have read further on the matter, seems to be the norm.
You have my best wishes, because I don't know of an abuser whose sobriety took away his interest in abusing (possibly except for meth heads, who seem to completely lose it when in the throes of their drug use). All that happened was that they became sober abusers.
May your God hold you close and give your husband the strength he will need!

Nim-thank you so much for your encouragement:) . My husband's abuse has been as a direct result of his addiction. When he is controlling and maintaining the addiction, the abuse disappears. I do understand the other side though...my ex was like yours. Was emotionally abusive and never had anything to do with our son. Later became a minister, lol:rolleyes: Oh well, we each have to answer to Him for our actions, so I find comfort in that. Best of blessings to you