Hi... I'm Tammur, I found this site and thought it was awesome. I've needed to find somewhere that I could come on and talk about my situation. It's the craziest dam thing I've ever been through in my life! I fell in love for the first time in my life with a man who seemed would never accept that for what it was. After three years of what I thought was bliss, and even though I said from the moment we decided to get serious that I could work through absolutely anything we may encounter but if you ever put your hands on me we're done, he decided to challenge that and he assaulted me in our home. Actually he tried to kill me. When I fought back and he was forced to release me because of his own pain he made me leave our house (we live in the middle of nowhere, the closest town is 4 1/2 miles away) without my purse and in my pajamas, then called 911 and told them I had assaulted him. I was picked up by a sheriff a little ways from my home, I was in shock and hysterical by then. The Sheriff told me that my husband had called 911 and reported I assaulted him but luckily for me this sheriff knows how this story goes, long story short my husband ended up being arrested that night. It blew my mind, tore up my whole world. I loved him so much, if only he could have accepted that, and see it.
It was a mess. He spent 11 days in jail, got a $500.00 fine, and a year of probation. He was already ON probation! He had a no contact order in place with another woman, then he tried to call me from jail after the no contact order went into effect, when that didn't work he had one of his girlfriends call me! For both of these violations they gave him a $325.00 fine instead of the automatic 7 days in jail it's supposed to be, then ended up dropping THAT all together! Within a week he was back and ready to finish where he left off, I still have no idea why this even started though I found out I was his third offense for DV, and he also violated THOSE protective orders! He was again arrested this time for stalking and a couple other things. He was sentenced to two years in prison, and our protective order was lengthened to 5 years.
Here's the crazy thing, I miss the "good" that we had. I know I'm still too close to the situation to be able to just talk to him right now and ask him what the hell happened, and I WILL NOT take him back-- but I want to, what the hell is that?!?! How can I want to? I have never let a man beat on me before and I still wouldn't now, so how can I still love him? Isn't that crazy? It's like he has died. I didn't fall out of love but I can't have him either. There are no second chances for things like this to me, and obviously he has done this before and I'm sure will again. That's just the craziest dam thing I've ever been through in my life. One second we're happy and the next second I'm in the E.R. trying to explain what happened to total strangers, wanting so badly for my best friend-- my husband to be there with me and comfort me knowing that he would have beat the hell out of any man who did that to me and HE was the one who put me there! It was like some kind of twilight zone movie! And now I can't even have closure. Our no contact order keeps us from that. It's so strange. I won't drop the order, we're definitely through but I guess I want to hear him tell me some magical reason he broke up our home and find some sense in it, and I want to tell him what a prick he is for doing so!
So as I'm reading over all these other stories, I have found some comfort in knowing that there are others who share this feeling (whatever it is) with me. I journal, it's the best therapy to me, it really helps me sort my feelings and I have returned to my old self once again and I'm happy for that. I know I will find peace someday from all of this, and I hope that the rest of you will too.
Take care all of you! Tam

Bless you, you are in my prayers and sometimes there are no answers. Just leave it at that. There is no answer

Hello and welcome to PTO :)

hey tammur. ive never been in a situation like yours and im sure if i ever was, id react the same way as you did (end of the relationship). what i can appreciate about your situation is that you seem to acknowledge several key factors that will help you prevent this from ever happening again. you acknowledge the fact that its "crazy" to still love him after what he did to you, but you have 2 remember that u don't just turn love off and on like a water faucet. i think it's so healthy of you to make your self fully aware of the fact that he did it two previous times before your incident. a lot of women would just excuse the priors, convincing themselves those other women must've done something to provoke him. you loved the man and he betrayed your trust. i agree w/you. my husband has never put his hands on me and never will. i have a one-strike policy. you have one x to put your hands on me. i respect you 4 leaving & knowing (not thinking) that if he did this not once, not twice, not three times, he'll definitely do it again. & you go girl for whatever you did to make sure his a** released you because of his own pain.

I believe that you are much smarter than most victims of DV. I have known friends that made every excuse for their partner hitting, slapping and beating them. There is no excuse. Not ever! Hopefully time will heal your grief and pain and you will be a stronger person at the end of this trial. Best wishes and God Bless!!

Sweetie, one of the things that those of us who fall in love with abusers don't understand is that there never was, never could be, any equality of love. They didn't love us. They needed us, as objects to make them feel better, as dogs to sit at their feet, as arm candy, to make them feel better about themselves. But it wasn't and isn't love. We always have to come to terms with the fact that it was an illusion - we loved them, but misunderstood what their real feelings for us were. That's what is hardest to accept, that the relationship was all an illusion, carefully fostered by them in order to have a human to control. Not that that's the cold clear thinking they do about it, but it is what seems to be the goal in virtually every abusive relationship.
Anyway, it's great to hear you about knowing he can't come back, knowing it's a wrong that cannot be made right.
Welcome to the board!

Hey there!! I went through a simular abuse with my ex husband. At least you were smart enough to get away and realize there was a problem. I took the abuse for about 5 years and finally hid for 2. thank god i didn't have any kids then. I am now married to a wonderful man and have 2 beautifl gurls and my ex died from diabetes. i was sooooo happy. sounds terrible, but i honestly believe if he hand't of died i would have. god bless u and good luck. your a brave gurl

Welcome to PTO and thank you so much for sharing your story!

You are such an inspiration!! Be proud of yourself for loving YOU more.

I can understand were you are coming from and I am sorry you are in this position. It sounds to me that you are doing the right thing so no matter how hard it gets keep doing what you are doing. You can love someone and not be around that person especially if you safety is threatend. It is not easy, I know because I have been in your position at one time in my life. I will always love my ex husband and nothing will change that but I had to protect myself and our daughter. You were very wise to leave the first time around. I didnt have the strengh or courage to leave until he left bruises on our child and she wasnt even a year old yet. That was my breaking point. I knew if I couldnt protect myself from him I couldnt protect our daughter from him either. I made him leave and filed for divorce the very next day. It was one of hardest thing I ever did, but it was also one of the best things I ever did. I am not going to sugar coat it it hurt for years and I am just now getting to were I am in a committed relationship (it took me 12 years and some counseling sessions). I never thought the counseling sessions were for me until I started going and then I knew I needed to talk to someone about the situation. One thing though if you decide to go to counseling make sure it is a good one that matches your needs and your belief system. OK I am done know I think I have talked enough. If you need to talk I am here.

I went through something similar to what you went through, and i was shocked at how much grief i had for the "good" aspects of our time together, despite the terrible stuff my boyfriend did to me at the incident which caused me to call the cops on him. I was really lucky, the police dept. that arrested him has a wonderful domestic violence advocate, and she talked to me a couple of times and told me that it is normal to grieve for the good stuff and that I wasn't a freak for feeling that way. It's good you found out all that past trouble he'd been in; that will help you make a decision about the likelihood of his ever changing and how entrenched the problem is. Good luck and stay strong.

Hey, Tammur, welcome to PTO. We are glad you are with us. The girls have given you lots of good support. We are proud of you, your strength, and acceptance of the truth about someone you loved. Time will heal, you'll see; keep talking to us.
Love,
Becky

sweetie where to begin. i believe that these men get into our heads and make us think this is ok and that this behavior is healthy and its definetly not. no matter what a man should never hit a woman. no questions and for us we are scared or hurt or both along with others and its so hard to leave. when you are not in the situation you can say well id never put up with that but until you are there you are there you cant say what youll do
good luck sweetie and just know that you have to love yourself more and that baby and just keep that in your head.
much love
marie

hi tammur - i just want to let you know you are not alone...i did a few years of volunteer work w/ domestic violence victims and even managed the after hours crisis line. it's not unusual at all for you to miss him or the "good" my son's father was my abuser and on average women return to their abusers 5 times before leaving for good if they ever do. it is a very vicious cycle and an even harder one to break and many of us ladies become co-dependent after relationships like these. it took me over 3 years after we "broke-up" to move on and i had to be medicated and had a year of therapy - so give yourself a break - you are at the right place for support....and i am a pm away if you would like to talk privatly....and i can bet there are some resources in your neck of the woods if you care to look that may offer you some support - keep your head up - you are so worth it :)

First of all I want to say that you are indeed strong and I admire you! I am in a situation very similar to yours. I was with my X for a little over year and have a beautiful little babygirl (unfortunately he is the father). My X knew that I wouldnt tolerate abuse from any man either and for some reason he still chose to try anyway. He threatened me with a weapon saying I could never leave him. When I was finally able to get away with my daughter that day (she was in the room while this was happening, luckily she is a newborn and cant really understand what has happened) i called the cops and he is currently in jail. We havent begun the whole process yet but i do have a restraining order and temporary custody. I definitely know how you feel. You wish you could speak to him just to let him know how what an unselfish b*st*rd he is, but guess what I'm pretty sure he;s feeling it in there! They deserve what they get for what they did to us. Unfortunately it will take a long time for me to heal because never did i imagine i would be going through this noentheless with him! The only thing that's left for us to do is get the help we need so that we can be strong for those we need to be whether it is ourself, our children, family, whoever! LIFE GOES ON ONE DAY AT A TIME! I pray for all those victims of abuse and that the batterers get the punishments they deserve!!

u made the best decision that u could make pat urself in the back b/c u went through n u had enough i wish most of my sister would choose to leave before its to late.Every second of everyday a women n a man is dieing from domestic violence bc men go through it also buts its more common for a women bc they see us all as weak soulsthe women that is

Thank you all SO MUCH for your responses. They truly mean so much to me.
I want to say first that the reason I would never take a man back who abused me is because I grew up in a house with a wonderful father who has been the best example of what a man really is that I know. My parents argued but I never heard them say they were splitting up not even in anger, never the mention of divorce and NEVER was there any hitting. It's just as wrong for a woman to hit a man. I guess from all of this my belief is that once it's reached the point you feel you want to hit your partner, it's already over because there are certainly a zillion other ways to work it out. Abuse and divorce are not an option if it's real.
That said... I never dreamed I'd get so many responses. I'm on here tonight because once again for some crazy reason I'm missing him. I know he isn't missing me, I'm sure he'd never believe how much I am missing him either. Whoever it was who said it's an "illusion" is right. It was a wonderful, beautiful and amazing illusion though and I wish I could have it back, I hate him for giving it to me and taking it away at his whim. That's also why he would never understand how much I really love him, he knew it was an illusion all along; he created it. God I miss him. I can't say that enough. I have never been in love before, this hurts.
My 3 children are not his biological children though he did draw them into the illusion as well and even my dad (who isn't easily conned) we all miss him. My son accepted him as his father because his own dad is abusive to him. He literally worshipped him, now he's completely shaken by this and hates him for what he did to me. I cannot take him back because I wouldn't want my son to think that this is an acceptable way to treat anyone particularly his life partner, or that it's ok to be treated that way, he's 13. I also wouldn't want my 2 girls to think this is acceptable either.
I also realize he needs help, and I can't give it to him. I'd like to think that he has moments where he is regretful, but I can't fool myself into thinking that anymore. He'll have someone else before he's even released and he'll treat her like a princess too until he decides he can get something better or he just wants to move on. Oh well. Someday this pain will go away. I have many offers from very good men already, and when I'm ready I'll "pick" one and go on.
Thanks again!
Tam

Welcome to PTO.

Good thinking, Tammur! I was the one who called it an illusion...I know that's what I had - a wisp, a shimmering promise of wonderfulness. And where there were little discordances I just either ignored them or filled in the blanks for myself. But people who are afflicted as your ex and mine are, they don't feel the same things we do. They are in fact crushed and disappointed that THEIR dream didn't work out, too, but their dream was of domination. They need something to slavishly obey them (and interestingly, many of them have superbly trained dogs or horses). It's not a conscious process that they go through, it's just that they do what they need to to get their needs met; they manipulate and control and dominate and demean, and that gets them through.
It's so hard not to say "but you promised!!!" like a small child not getting a cookie. It's so hard not to miss the good parts. But it's bait in a trap, and once you see the trap there's no going there, eh?
Peace to you.

Tam, a broken heart takes some time to heal but you are doing the right thing and sending him the right message. I know that it is hard but better for it to happen now! by taking this stand, you never know what could happen, it just might be the catalyst to provoke some change in your husband. Give yourself a break Dear, your feelings are valid and you are justified in feeling the way that you do. It is perfectly normal, he is your husband, someone you were supposed to be able to trust and he violated that trust. Now should be a time of healing and reflection for you and a time for you to just take it easy and let your heart mend.