Now for what lead up to my revelations over the past few days. This is the harder of the two posts for it involves a woman that I don't like very much at times - myself.

As I was trying to bring out in the other thread "Choices - A Prison Success Story" we all have to make choices in life some good, some bad, but I'm preaching to the choir here, we know that.

Sue, made some bad choices earlier in life, but they led to more choices for her. Choices that she made the right call on and they led to great success in life for her.

Now for my choices, which I freely admit some were very, very wrong! But, they led to the right choice, and a revelation.

As I have posted in the past, I have a great problem with anger. Anger that I have let build up to the point that it is self destructive. Through my nieces conviction, my cancer, my arrest and conviction, etc., etc., this has been building up.
To the point that I was exploding at every little annoyance.

Once I came home in March, one of the requirements that the court put on me was Anger Management Class, and continuing Therapy with a Psych. I resented this then, but in the long run, well, it has helped.

Yesterday in the course of trying to get my car fixed, Linda and I discovered that the first mechanic was trying to cheat us. We eventually moved the car to the dealership for repair. But, I did not handle the situation very well, I let my anger get the best of me.

I blew up at home, no I did not hurt Linda, nor would I ever! But, she was very much afraid that I might do something stupid with the mechanic. Linda came right out and said I was on the road to getting myself locked up again.

I continued to rant and rave on the bus to the mechanics shop.

Then God stepped in, for a woman who was obviously in alot of pain got on the bus.

She had just had surgery for cancer, two weeks ago. This woman said that she had gone into the surgery expecting not to make it. But, there she was speaking of the joys of life, and blessings she has to still be here with her family.

At that moment I made the right choice - getting angry over the cheating mechanic is NOT WORTH THE EFFORT!

I have been blessed many times in the past 10 years:

1. Saving my children from an abusive father, God's gift to me - my daughters and son, their love mean more than life to me.

2. Surviving cancer, for I am here to enjoy my family and their love.

3. Freedom, I did not know what that word meant till I was sent to prison. Lord, I do now! Tonib put it best in her journal - prison is like your life being put on hold while your loved ones continue to live and enjoy life.

4. Even though I have not had contact with her for five years now, Sue continues to show me what one can do with their life, even within the confines of prison and again come to the free world a success.

5. Most importantly, Linda, her children, and mine, and my friends, here and on PTO are the most beautiful gifts that God could have given.

In the next few months one way or the other, my life will change dramatically, re-confinement or freedom.

Over the last few months I have made the choice that, no matter, what the future holds - that I will be a "success" in the coming years.

Someone that my loved ones can be proud of. Not the Patti of old.

Patti

You go girl! I am so proud of you Frisco! Anger for me does the same thing but one thing I learned in my recovery is that if I allow it to it will touch every area of my life, relationships, job, and finances so I applaud you Frisco for recognizing how it can hurt you more than help you for me it took counseling, working with others and it never failed someone would always come along and show me that I didn't have it as bad as they did and they would give me hope that I could let go of it today. I am not sure if i made sense but hopefully you get the idea okay! Thank you frisco for sharing!!!!

hugs,
cherrie from tx

Patti,
I am so very touched by what you have just shared. For me to have revelations I have to have been touched by God's wisdom somehow. I am probably never grateful enough. I had tears reading your list of "simple" statements that you espressed the good in your life. But what strikes me the deepest is your knowing yourself well enough to be able to say the new You. The ever developing and successful new You. Your sharing was beautiful. Thank you.

HONEY

Patti... thank you for sharing your revelations! Anger used to be an issue for me too, but over the course of my life, I've had many harsh lessons to help me with it.

What you said is very powerful.... again, thank you!

Jodygirl

OH Patti,

Thank you for this. It touched me deeply. I can relate to anger and anger that turns into rage. I used to joke about seeing "red" and literally I see various shades of red to pinkish red when im pused to that point, and God help that person. I thought when I got clean and sober that 'anger' would magically disappear and never come up again. I could not have been more wrong. I just felt it more because i was not inestitized, and it hurt me more when it came out on those I love. My tongue needs to be cut off. it slashes worse than any knife ever could.
getting sober and being forced into therapy became a Godsend..ive learned tools, and I unfortunately still make mistakes at times.

God works in mysterious ways. This last 3 days have been hell..My 9 year old is starting to lie again..and I came unglued. I am very, very ashamed of myself..Physical wounds heal, and by the time I got done ripping into her, physical would have been a Godsend compared to what came out of my mouth. I would punch a window before I would ever touch one of my kids, and a swift slap on the bottom might have been more appropriate. Because I know the behavior I displayed was wrong..and I feel like shit so thanks for the post.

Sunnie,

The tongue is such a two edged sword, with one edge there can be such anger and hurt, with the other edge, much love and tenderness.

I know how you feel, hon, been there a lot, I hope we can both learn from our life lessons.

Linda taught me one thing that has helped us alot. When one of us gets angry with the other instead of saying those hurtful words, the first words out of our mouth are "I love You".

That expresses our true feelings, calms me down, then we can go on with the matter we need to deal with.

It was hard to get used to at first, but you know, it does work.

Hang in there, Sunnie, it will work out in the end. I don't know your daughter, and I don't know you well, except what I have seen here at PTO, but by the example You set for her, I do know that everything will be ok and she is a wonderful person and much loved.

Patti

amen to # 3--freedom.

i cannot even fathom what it would be like to be sent away & have my freedom taken away. oh well, thanks for posting your thoughts & feelings.

p.s. mechanics ALWAYS rip someone off. thats why its best to know your own mechanics--& get it done for free or cheaper!! :D

I hear that.........I have an anger problem too and lately I have been finding that if I pay attention to what I DO have and not what I don't.......it makes things so much more peaceful!! :D

Struggling with anger is NOT easy....especially when it's been a part of you for so long. Hang in there tho it does get easier!!

Stacy