i Just Discoverd This Site Today, I Have Already Logged On Several Times.... I Have Felt So Alone, So F*cked Up Since The Abuse Started, It Just Really Snuck Up On Me, I Didnt Realize It Until It Was To Late And Now Think -no- Ill Never Be The Same, Ive Been To D.v. Shelters And Hell No Didnt Stay Long Cuz None Of Them Women Either In My Eyes Were Actually Abused Or, They Didnt In My Eyes Really Love There Man Like I Did.
im Lost, Hes Been Locked Up Now For 2yrs And Seems Like I Have Done Nothing But Draw Closer To Him, I Cannot Make Myself Hate Him Or See Him Thru "ugly Eyes" If U Will....
how Can I Feel Ok? Even Knowing And Feeling He Mite Kill Me One Day, I Still Am In So Much Love Its ...bad, And No- I Was Never Abused Before Him, So I Dont Know What To Do With My Self Now, Because The Internal Damage Has Already Been Done. ?????

Love Is Very Powerful And Can Take Its Toll On Your Heart Body And Soul Many People May Believie It May Be Stupied To Stay With Somone Who Hits You Are Whatever If You Feel Hes A Threat To Your Life That Needs Help Although His In Prison Have You Asked For Him To Get Angermanegent Classes A Little Therapy While In There Am Not Calling Your Man Crazy But What It Sounds Like Of Just What You Told Me The He Needs Help This Will Be A Challenge For You And Him But If To Trully Love Each Other You 2 Will Over Come All The Flaws I Would Leace Robert If Tried That But Love Is Love And Some Ppl Are Deeper Than Others I Wish You The Best Of Luck

i Just Discoverd This Site Today, I Have Already Logged On Several Times.... I Have Felt So Alone, So F*cked Up Since The Abuse Started, It Just Really Snuck Up On Me, I Didnt Realize It Until It Was To Late And Now Think -no- Ill Never Be The Same, Ive Been To D.v. Shelters And Hell No Didnt Stay Long Cuz None Of Them Women Either In My Eyes Were Actually Abused Or, They Didnt In My Eyes Really Love There Man Like I Did.
im Lost, Hes Been Locked Up Now For 2yrs And Seems Like I Have Done Nothing But Draw Closer To Him, I Cannot Make Myself Hate Him Or See Him Thru "ugly Eyes" If U Will....
how Can I Feel Ok? Even Knowing And Feeling He Mite Kill Me One Day, I Still Am In So Much Love Its ...bad, And No- I Was Never Abused Before Him, So I Dont Know What To Do With My Self Now, Because The Internal Damage Has Already Been Done. ?????

Hey girl! i'm speaking from experience. I was in a very violent relationship for 6 years. I'm not gonna exaggerate, i keep it real -my ex would F*** ME UP BEYOND RECOGNITION- at least once a month for the 1st year we were together. i wasn't ever hit until i was w/ my ex. i understand what u mean when u said that u know that the chance he could kill u one day , but u are still so much in love w/ him. i thought that i could show him the love he was needing. but girl after being taken for granted for years i began to fight back, all it took was for me to hit my ENOUGH IS ENOUGH point and if i could be sure to make him bleed he turned into a b***h. Then i began to see he's not all he claimed to be. Especially when he was confronted by a friend of mine( The man i ended up marrying) and didn't even try to defend himself. Girl u deserve not to live in fear and God knows i lived that way for years. U have to remember who u were BEFORE u met him. is it that u want him to love u the way u love him and u don't understand how he can hurt u , & afterwards he's so sweet, taking care of u, sheesh my ex use to have to carry me to the bathroom bcz i couldn't walk 90% of the time, There is someone that will love u better and that u will love. please dont waste the time w/ a man that doesn't respect and cherish u like he should. Dont take the risk. All it could take is one hit and he'll kill u. once they release their frusterations on u they always will. Love urself more to walk away now. BE STRONG. DONT LET HIS SWEET TALKING WAYS KEEP U AROUND WHY CHANCE BEING 6 FEET UNDERGROUND..
I hope i didn't offend u. I just can relate, God Bless You and dear God please keep her safe. In Jesus Name I pray. Amen

Kitten - you don't need the shelter, if he's in prison right now, but you do need the counselors. This is your chance to get your emotions together and get out from under, rather than spending all this time thinking about how he's going to mess you up in the future. You think that you can change this, or prove to him that your love is real and that will somehow make him stop, or that you'll die without him. So what needs to change is your thinking, because his is pretty much set in stone.
And don't make judgements about the other women in the shelters - it's not your business or your problem - and that judging is just making you more alone, which is alreay too much of a problem when you are being abused.
There certainly is damage done by abuse, but that doesn't mean you can't recover. Many of us have, but not without studying on it a lot, with help. Counselors, books, time. . .they will give you the chance you need to heal and go forward. Try "Women Who Love Too Much" and "Why Does He Do That?", and there are many other books out there, because this isn't a small problem, and there's a lot of info from lots of histories.
Good Luck - you can't help who you love, but you CAN help what you do about it.

Kitten, you need to go seek help. Not a shelter but either a couselor, priest, someone you can talk to. My aunt had a saying. She used to tell me this all the time. The first time a man hits you he'll kneel down to say he's sorry, the second time he'll do it standing up and third time and time after he won't say it all. And I have found that saying to be very very true. In the past I had been struck with fists, kicked with Karl Kani boots etc. The list goes on and on. don't take this the wrong way but mind your business regarding other women in shelters. They have been through hell as well, remember they are victims just like you, regardless if they were hit, yelled at or anything resembling abuse. Good luck

Kitten....there is nothing wrong with you, except that you are suffering from "battered woman syndrome." What you need more than anything is to become thoroughly educated...then you will understand more and more..this knowledge is power, and then you will one day feel strong enough to put a stop to his abusing you...then you will learn to become strong and self assured with good self esteem.
Give yourself time to understand then to gain courage to leave him once and for all. God Bless you,
Marsha

Kitten,
Hey girl, do I understand what you are talking about, it's like when he's good he's so so Good but, when he's bad he' so so BAD you wish you could get the good without the bad. you see things about him that no one else sees he shows you parts of him that few people have ever seen and thats what makes you love him so much cause you know in your heart that if he only showed more people that good side of him people would like him and see what you see in him. ya know what I mean? in my case no one gets my man but, I do I really do and I have been there for him. He has put me through living hell. and I have said to myself more then once "what the hell is wrong with me "? Then the last fight we got in I stood up for my self and doubled up my fist and laid into him for once and screamed ENOUGH!!! you ain't gonna hit me NO MORE!! he stopped and looked at me and started crying I never got the chance to really talk to him after that cause my son had called the police and he was arrested for d.v.that was 6 months ago, do I still love him hell yes I do and will for the rest of my life, will I go back most likely yes, no one can tell you how you should feel or what to you should do only you can cause when it all comes right down to it you really know what to do, you just want so bad for someone to tell you to stay. I know i have been there girl believe me you ever want to talk I am here for you e=mail me take care and God bless you! Sheree

Kitten and drsl -
Both of you need to look into the mental workings of men who batter and abuse, and look at the definitions of abuse, too. No, we cannot tell you who to love, but we can warn you that you've got a very small chance they won't do it again, once they're out. We can tell you that you can live without them, even though you love them. We can tell you to go ahead and love them, but never get near them again. Seriously, all of us in this forum loved our men (or women) until they abused that love right out of us. We loved them while they did it, we loved the good part soooo much. You're no different from us. We just finally, for our own safety and health, had to learn that there was no way to separate out the good from the bad. My ex massaged my feet when I was tired, cooked meals for me when I was working late, built wonderful things in and around the house, loved his dog . . . and abused and accused me mercilessly.

Kitten,

It seems as though there are a lot of people who understand what you have gone through.
Please come back and come back often.

My ex still writes. The crying, the begging, the I am sorry's, so familiar, My ex writes me love letters all the time but it doesn't change my opinion of him. All It is, is just words on paper.
and because of what I went through, I don't think I will ever trust another man. I have been single since, not dated, not gone out, it took that long to get over the broken spirit the abuse caused me and my kids. My daughter still hates me for what she went through. She moved out to live with her father, last July and I have seen her 1 time since then. I will never forgive myself for what I allowed her to witness and go through, all because of "love".I guess he did it before me and he did it after me. But then I am the crazy one who didn't understand him. YIKES.


I hope for everyone's sake that the men you love will change, but chances of changing are nil.

I hope in time your daughter understands and comes back around. I for one understand the damage abuse can cause but at the same time know about the bond of a mother and daughter- I believe that bond cannot be broken. :thumbsup: She may be mad and hurt but she will be back;) .sam

Thanks Okie for the inspiration. I hope we can get back the bond we once had. 11 years it was unshakable, and now when I call she won't even talk to me on the phone :(

Part of me wonders if it's what she is being told at her dads. I wrote her a letter a very short one, and she has not responded. :( her 12th birthday is July 16. Abuse is no joke. It's not something to be taken lightly or minimized. It can kill people, ruin the lives of children and they too are abused in the midst of what we think is only "adult" abuse.

"but I love him", is just not a good enough reason to stay. Chances of them changing is close to nil, not unless they get some serious, serious long term therapy. But I love him is not going to protect you the next time he beats you, your child, or tries to choke the life out of you. Breaks all the windows and chases you with broken glass, or wakes you out of a dead sleep accusing you of cheating on him.'

Please everyone, think long and hard before you make the choice to forgive, forget and go back.
I am tired of going to funerals of women who never got to leave, and killed by the one they "Love"

I have a very good friend of mine who goes through this with her husband.. He beats the hell out of her and yet she stays.. the police get called, she won't file charges against him.. one time he tied her up and was going to kill her.. she gets away crawls into the bathroom calls me begging me to call 911, I do, the police get there and she ends up going to jail because she fights with the police and won't tell them what happened.. it is a craziness that takes over with people.. I am sooo sorry that you are going through this.. I would advise anyone to get away while they can.. You deserve sooo much better and don't deserve to be hit.

Sunnie.. I hope that your daughter comes around.. that must be so hard... hang in there and I hope it gets better with her..

Sunnie, Kudo's to you for coming to your senses. Your daughter will one day respect you for not buying into the victim role, and not putting up with lie's and contempt. I hope you are taking those bulls*** letters and flushing them. Your setting a good example by not letting your kids think it's OK to be abused.

Sunnie, I understand what you are going through. My children saw things that their father did to me. Once while in front of the children he hit me so hard that I fell back and hit my head. I was out for at least five minutes and my children were right beside me. They covered me so that he wouldn't hit me. He screamed at them but they didn't move and I was the lucky one that day. Our children expect us to protect them and not the other way around. My children are a liitle older now and every now and then my son wll bring it up. He was and still is bitter. I just remind him that his father had issues especially the drugs and when he did drugs he wasn't himself. I'm not letting him of the hook I just want my children to know that regardless I'm there for them. I loved him but I loved my children more. Yes, we did go to counseling for a while. My son had a lot of anger and took it out on me. He finally realized that it wasn't about his brothers, him or myself it was my ex husband. Now my ex is sitting in prison as well and hasn't seen the children in about 7 years. This was his choice. The boys aren't ready. My son just wrote his first letter to him in over 7 years. I didn't open up and sneak to read it I really wanted to though. My suggestion is time. No matter how long it takes. You have to forgive yourself and your daughter will forgive you. She didn't like the way that her mother was being mistreated. It was probably good that for now she's with her father however you both have to deal with those issues at hand. This is gonna make you both stronger and more aware of the men in our lives. I hoped this helped you a little bit. I had to forgive in order to be with my beloved. If I didn't no man stood a chance. Heal yourself, love yourself and trust yourself. God Bless

Rdw, and everyone else. thanks so much! Your words have helped so much and it's true I am very glad that she is with her dad so she didn't have to be involved in the healing of the last year, she was in the middle of all of it. I had to wake her and sneak her out of the house in her pj's at 11:00 at night to run next door and call the police hiding in the bushes. I was so broken I could not be there for her, and it hurt her horribly. I now realize how much. Yes time is what will heal things and when she is older we can deal with what happened. Acting like it did not exist will not heal it. It was a living hell I lived. I am proud of myself that I got out. You are so right about forgiveness...I want to be there, but I am just not there "yet". I think it's time I sought some counseling. Even though I am a counselor :ha: imagine that!!

Again thanks everyone! You are such a wonderful group of ladies

Kitten this is a very difficult time in your life. You may think that people may not understand or know what your going through. A lot of us do. I loved my 1st husband with everything in me. He could do no wrong. He wined and dined me. He was a pure gentlemen. 8 months into it I found out that he was and is a crack addict. My heart just broke. I was pregnant at the time I found out. I had never to my knowledge ever been with anyone who did drugs. It first started as a yelling match and then a shove until it was some serious hitting. I use to think that it was my fault. If I don't talk to loud when he's sleeping. I was walking on egg shells around him. He was extremely possessive and jealous and for no reason. It got to a point where I was losing my family and friends but I had to have him. My self esteem was f*****up. His was even worse because of the closeness that I had with my family and true friends. I had to sneak around to see family and friends. On day after that last hit, enough was enough. My children saw what he did to me and it was very ugly. I finally had a little peace of mind and sleep when my father came from California and kindly escorted him off the premises. Yes I took him back however, I left and moved with nothing to another city. I told him I had to go and he wasn't stopping me. He stole my bus tickets and I said I was going regardless. I did leave. I pleaded with the bus driver explained my situation and my three children and I got on trailways and off we went. I went into a dv shelter and got my own place. Here we go again, I let him come back for about six weeks and it didn't work. He stole from me and his children and that was the final straw. I told him that he could walk out or he could go out in a body bag his choice. I had some get heart pills that night. I was done. It was finally over. I wouldn't keep doing it to the children or myself. I loved him but I loved us even more. (kids). He did leave me with a surprise a baby girl. She only knows of her bio dad however my hubby now is the only dad she's ever known. My point is that you can do it. You may need some counseling. You may need to cry. You may need some prayer. I just wanted to share with you my situation and let you know that you are not alone. If and when you are ready you will. My only hope is that you don't end up dead. Men and women that abuse are cowards. If you notice they hit you but won't hit or fight another man. I've been blessed to have my current husband. I was wounded and loved me when I didn't love me. I didn't make it easy for him at all. I fell in love with him the moment he held our daughter. It won't be easy. Trust is shot out the window for now. Give yourself whatever it is you need. You are worth it in every way. Your time is coming. I will say a prayer for you and other ladies like us. You are a survivor.

Sunnie its okay that you are a counselor. Sometimes the counselor needs counseling. You are human. I'm also proud of you. You'll know when the time is right. Keep the faith and know that all things are possible.

your PTO family gave some good advise and i pray you take some of it and if the need comes,pass the rest to someone who needs your words of encouragement.sonnie my daughter had so much animosity at me for letting her stepdad hurt me like he did so many times.it took her time and i gave it to her-although i wanted to rush her.your daughter will come around.she is still afraid it seems.talk to her when you can.it was hard for me to talk about my exhusband but when i did start talking to the kids about him they opened up and talked to me.with mydaughter i would talk to her some then i would leave her to think about what i said,she would take her time but she always came bac.after the divorce he still beat me when i went around and she couldnt understand why i let him have my babygirl-i didnt the courts gave us joint custody.when you and your daughter start to talk about it please tell her evrything she needs to know so she doesnt end up with the type of man we ended up with.i felt like i was talking bad about the dead cuz my exhusband died in 2005 but i had t otell my ladies about all the hurt i went through at their father's hands.I HAD TOO SO I COULD GIVE THEM THE KNOWLEDGE THAT MAY SAVE THEIR LIVES.