anyone got any ideas on how to keep my son in the house at night? how to make him want to do better?

my son is thirteen, going on thirty, if you know what i mean. he's gotten his skinny little hind end into some stupid stuff..and is on house arrest until friday. the end of thirty days. until saturday night, he had been doing a ok, not a bit of trouble with the house arrest, but then, sunday morning, i woke up at 2:30 am..and found he was gone. just about to get in the car and look for him, when i see him walking by with another boy..a sixteen year old neighbor kid.

pulled him into the house..asked him what he was doing..just walking around..he said. our town is tiny, tiny, tiny..there are only 500 people living here..it's remote, but only 15 miles from an interstate highway, so it's not safe, in any sense of the word. besides the fact that they could have been up to no good at that time of night...i was livid..

called the other boy..screamed, hollered, cursed him out..and he said he was sorry..but they were just walking around..and that my son had come to get him after HE went to bed. i believed him. i don't really know this kid, but for some reason i felt he was telling me the truth. something inside me told me to settle down and talk, just plain talk to this kid. i told him i have a son in prison, and that i know how easy it is for a good kid like him to end up there, it just takes a couple of stupid mistakes. told him what it's like to be in prison...how you are told when to shower in the glass shower, and live with six guys, not one, and it's not like you see in the movies..it's not anything like you see in the movies. I asked him if he has any plans for his future? he said he wants to play pro football! i told him that if he wants to play football, he should be sleeping at night, and doing nothing but football stuff,like running and lifting weights the rest of the time. asked him if he thought michael jordan thought about anything but basketball when he was 16? asked him if his mom and dad were home? no..his dad was at work and his mom was sleeping. i told him he was disrespecting his parents by sneaking out..that they are working their hind ends off trying to make something for their family..that they deserve his respect for that. i asked him what he sees in hanging around with a 13 year old..and why he would want to do something so stupid just to hang with a little kid like that? was it all worth it to him? he said he likes my son..he's fun to be with..and he's a good kid. i told him he's on house arrest..and he said he knows that..but he came to his house to get HIM. so..i asked him..do you call yourself a friend of my son's? he said yes, he does..so then i asked him if he wanted to help his friend to do better..or get into more trouble? i told him that next time my son comes to his window looking for him after dark, late at night like that..to call 911..and report a prowler,or tell him to go home..but don't go out with him. he said he would do that. in the end, he thanked me over and over for calling him..and talking to him. i have to tell you..i have had the wool pulled over my eyes by the best of them..and i just had the feeling he meant what he said.

all the time, my son is listening..quietly. i think he was shocked to hear me talking to this boy without screaming and blaming, cause when i hung up the phone and went into his room to talk to HIM, he was sitting there with a look of awe on his face!

i proceeded to tell him what i do in here on this computer every day..when he thinks i'm just messing around on the internet. i told him i talk to other moms whose kids made some stupid mistakes. told him how everyone in the family hurts..how we moms sit and cry our eyes out in private because we feel so guilty and helpless..and our hearts are broken. told him i sit here and cry with you..and you guys cry with me. i told him about the mom whose kid did one stupid thing and ended up in prison for 20 years at 19 years old. i told him about the young woman that did something she really regretted when she was 18 or 22 and ended up spending the best years of her life behind bars..with people that don't love her..or care a thing about her. i told him about the moms i've met whose children have been taken out of their homes and sent to group homes or boot camps..or worse..prison..and how helpless they feel. i told him how one mom described how she felt when her son was getting involved with some bad stuff..making bad choices. i told him how she felt like her son was standing on a railroad track with a locomotive thundering down the tracks at 90 miles an hour..and she's screaming for him to GET OFF THE TRACKS, but he wouldn't move..he just let that train keep coming..head on..and there was nothing she could do. i told him that is exactly how i feel now.

oh..i am going to call his po in the morning..no question..and he knows i am. i didn't do it this morning because i work the graveyard..and my mind is a steel trap on monday mornings..a steel trap snapped shut! whatever happens is because of his bad choices..not mine. besides, he sees her tomorrow morning.

when this kid got into trouble, i went out and bought a new phone system for this house..two more phones with caller id..one locked in the garage, so i can check that one against the other two, in case he feels he has to delete anything. bought myself a new cell phone that i can take to work to call home from any time. if he doesn't answer the phone, i'm to call 911 immediately..don't give him a second chance. this idea came from his psychologist, who he sees every two weeks..for three years. the man is a godsend to this family..he's come a long way because of him.

i just feel so helpless..like that train is bearing down on another child of mine..and i don't know what to do.

(oh,btw.. the other mom called me on sunday afternoon. she wasn't mad a bit..actually thanked me for what i did..that her son hadn't talked to her about it, she didn't know he'd been out that night/morning,one of her younger kids had told her. she said that since he's 16, and taller than her,and that she has to referee between her son and his dad all the time, she feels so tired and worn out. i told her she's a good mother..doing the best she can. we'll do this together..and i am here any time she needs to talk.)

this post has no caps..cause i broke my shifter finger at work..but i don't want to go all caps and be mistaken for a flamer.

I don't know.... It's so frustrating. I have a sister in law whose son got into trouble at the age of 13 and was on probation and when she turned him in for violating curfew they ended up putting him in a group home and guess who foots the bill? My sister in law and her husband... It's expensive and he's hours from home. He is doing a lot better from what I here. None of the rest of the family has seen him except for his parents and grand parents. We've just seen him at court when he has review hearings... He's been in for 3 years now and they keep putting him back in for 6 more months at a time at every review hearing... It's a money making business, but they justify it based on his "attitude" even though he's getting straight As and has been.... Legally, they can hold him there til he's 18...

Deb

hi deb..

i understand that school district is responsible for a child's education..no matter where it takes place. of course, if you don't push them to pay for it, they don't have to tell you anything about it. i'd check into that one.

good for your nephew that he is making good choices. it takes a lot for a kid to see what they're doing..a whole lot!

i decided to let HIM tell his po what he did. well..actually, he told me he was going to tell her himself..so i let him take the responsibility on his own skinny shoulders..that's where it belongs in the first place. he is well aware of what happens to boys that defy the law and their parents in this country. he already has a brother in prison. not like i can make any choices for him..and i have taught him the difference between right and wrong..he has free will to go whichever way he chooses.

in all..i'm very happy that he took this on himself..it's a good thing. something his brother never would have done at this age. he always set his friends up to take the blame.

thanks for the reply, deb. :)

I AM 17 AND I KNOW MANY YOUNG PEOPLE THAT HAVE DIED AND BEEN SENT TO JAIL FOR WHAT THEY DONE IN "THE GAME" ONCE YOUR IN IT ITS HARD TO GET OUT MABEY HES NOT INTO DRUGS OR ANY THING BUT AS A TEENAGER I FIND THAT ONCE YOU MEET THE "THUGS": AN OTHER PEOPLE YOU FORM BONDS WITH THEM ALOT OF DRUG DEALERS JUS DO IT TO FEED THEIR FAMILY THERES NOT ALOT OF JOBS IN TODAYS WORLD MY MOM IS ADDICTED TO SPEED AND WOULD STILL MY STUFF TO TRADE IT OFF IT BROKE MY HEART BUT IF HE DONT WANT TO CHANGE HE WONT AND HE WILL START TO RESENT YOU IF YOU PUSH HIM AWAY AND BE TOO "MOTHERLY" EVEN IF HE DOES WRONG DONT YOU STILL WANT TO BE THERE FOR HIM INSTEAD OF HIM RUNNING AWAY AND NOT TALKING TO YOU TRY TO UNDERSTAND ITS HARD FOR TEENS THESE DAYS AND HE WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR SON AND LOVE YOU BUT MIGHT FEEL LIKE HE DOESNT BELONG
AND ITS NOT HIS FRIENDS FAULT HE HAS THE POWER TO CHOOSE HIS FRIENDS AND THATS THE KIND OF FRIEND HE WANTS HOPE THIS HELPS YOU SOME ITS NOT MUCH BUT ITS A YOUNG PERSONS POINT OF VIEW

Hey.

Another young point of view.

I have just been on House arrest my self so I can relate to your son and how he must have felt inside the house all the time.

I think what you did to the boy and the way you talked to him was just amazing, and I wish more people would talk to teens before they go hang around with the wrong kind of people (not saying your son is a bad kind.)

I wish more people would sit down and tell us how your family worries about us, because let me tell you, no one told me, and I ended up messing up. I have been on house arrest for 2 months almost went to Juvie 2 times, and I ran away from home once.

Oh and if your son needs someone to talk to someone who has been there and done that he can just PM me.

By the way I haven't been in trouble with the law since I was on house arrest, because I spent so much time with my mother and I noticed how much she worried.

Kauri!

I have to agree with rap_girl..My brother has been in and out of juvinille center, jail, rehab and many other place since age of 12. He was just sentenced 2 weeks ago to 4 years in a Juvinille Prison and just left the county jail this morning. Growing up my mom did not spend much time with my brother and honestly made him feel he loved me more than him. My mom is a wonderful person but she did not know how to show us sometimes she really loves us. Anyhow, my grandmother put so many thoughts in my brothers head of how my mom did not love him and how I was the one she loved and he honestly feels that way still. My mom went to see him almost every weekend in cnty jail and took him money and did whatever she could. My mom has been trying to bind a closer relationship with him since this last time he was put in jail and it has been almost a year before he left today. If mom would have took him places, fishing, or just sat down and spent actuall time together, I think some things may have been a little different. BUT I also do feel if you holler at him too much, its going to make him rebel against you. I know you say you dont feel he is listening unless you holler, and sometimes he may not be. But dont make it a normall tone you use with him. Listen to him sometimes, ask him whats going on, whats on his mind. I know if mom could go back she would do alot of things differently. All I can say is good luck!! Show him some of the stories in the PTO and let him understand where you are coming from...Be a mother but at the same time be a friend!