As domestic violence awareness has increased, it has become evident that abuse can occur within a number of relationships. The laws in many states cover incidents of violence occurring between married couples, as well as abuse of elders by family members, abuse between roommates, dating couples and those in lesbian and gay relationships.
In an abusive relationship, the abuser may use a number of tactics other than physical violence in order to maintain power and control over his or her partner:


Emotional and Verbal Abuse:
Survivors of domestic violence recount stories of put-downs, public humiliation, name-calling, mind games and manipulation by their partners. Many say that the emotional abuse they have suffered has left the deepest scars.


Isolation:
It is common for an abuser to be extremely jealous, and insist that the victim not see her friends or family members. The resulting feeling of isolation may then be increased for the victim if she loses her job as a result of absenteeism or decreased productivity (which are often associated with people who are experiencing domestic violence).


Threats and Intimidation:
Threats -- including threats of violence, suicide, or of taking away the children -- are a very common tactic employed by the batterer.
The existence of emotional and verbal abuse, attempts to isolate, and threats and intimidation within a relationship may be an indication that physical abuse is to follow. Even if they are not accompanied by physical abuse, the effect of these incidents must not be minimized. Many of the resources listed in this book have information available for people who are involved with an emotionally abusive intimate partner. For additional information on the domestic violence definitions and laws in your state, please contact the state resource listed in this handbook.


For More Information
(http://www.usda.gov/da/shmd/aware.htm)

DO you think if I sent my man this it would be a good idea?

I dont know but I was thinking the same thing???

I'd never recommend that. I think it'd set him off...

I would not because I believe that most abusers know what they are doing and will only deny it and blame the person they are abusing.
I know I should not take what he says to me-walk away and not look back but why dont I ???? I guess in stead of trying to figure out why HE is doing this to ME I need to find out why I keep taking it??????????

DO NOT SEND THIS TO YOUR MEN...Believe me I have been there with abusive men in marriages and I WOULD NOT SUGGEST THIS BE SENT TO A MAN..They know what they are doing to control, belittle and ruin your self esteem..Like one said FIND OUT WHY YOU TOLERATE IT...Do not try to fix him...it is not possible..But do fix yourself to where you will not tolerate that behavior from any man again...Do some deep soul searching..I did and NOW After 15 years of total abuse physical/mental/fiscal...I know that I had to WAKE up and stop it myself...My ex's are still the same to their new women so I know it was HIM not me making him be mean to me..So do not send that info it will cause you deep problems later on I am sure...THEY REMEMBER things like that forever! He may hold it against you later on....just more trouble for you.

I married very young, and suffered from week 2 from emotional and verbal abuse. Some physical. Please ladies, or gents, if your being emotionally, verbally, or physically abused let me remind you of something. Its always like a 3 step program. When it first started with me i thought "its just nasty words, its just nasty looks, its just him blowing off steam" well, it took him 1 yr to throw a knife at my dad. It took him 3 years to body slam my 52 old mother, and in between, slaps, pushes and shoves. Finally the 7th year, he sent me to the hospital. The day after---I STARTED DIVORCE PAPERS cause he grabbed our 6 yo daughter by the hair and slammed her against the wall cause i was trying to get them outof the house. PLEASE get out!!!

They don't need this list. They learned these traits as very young chiildren. And are quite good at it. So good at it they would turn this around and make it your fault too. You'ld just be giving them more amunition against you. And trust me, you do not diserve any abuse!!

i was suggest to come and take a look at this forum for tht i have a old man that is setting a rule for me and yet we have been mwi for about 4 years and now we are talking about marriage. he settle some rules to go by and that is no guy freind, all money that i earn by working has to be direct deposit and he will taek care of it meaning paying bills. i can't hold any money i have to ask him if i want something or need money. all my guy freinds i can no longer half. i must call him if i am running late from work. i have to call him to ask him permission to do things and if he feels that its not important he will tell me i can 't go. he wants me to always pamper myself with getting my nails done and my hair up. he gets upset if i don't. he and i are now in the same state, he got parole to ICE .(immigration custom enforcement) until August. i have to move where his family at before he gets out. he calls me all the time and if i dont' pick up i have to tell him why not and all that.. is this consider a domestic violence category. umm?

Dear Lowryderhyna, my answer to your question is a definite YES! He is already taking the air that you breathe. i mean by that, that he doesn't leave you these things and people, who belong to you, who are part of your life, who are a part of you. For me it would be a sign, that such a man doesn't exept ME! How i am, how i live, what i love etc. You even give a child the space to develop itself. Surely do one have to make compromises in every relationship, and not always do have both the same opinion about things. But a good relationship means, that both accept the other one, how he is. When i read your words, i don't have the feeling, that he accepts you, how you are. It seems to me, that he wants to controll you totally, do you really want to live like this in the future? Look into yourself, if you feel comfortable with all, what he's doing and asking for. Do you? It would scare me, and for me it would be no love. I think, you are a nice person, have qualities, and you can make decisions your own. Take care of yourself, girl.

Dear Lowryderhyna, my answer to your question is a definite YES! He is already taking the air that you breathe. i mean by that, that he doesn't leave you these things and people, who belong to you, who are part of your life, who are a part of you. For me it would be a sign, that such a man doesn't exept ME! How i am, how i live, what i love etc. You even give a child the space to develop itself. Surely do one have to make compromises in every relationship, and not always do have both the same opinion about things. But a good relationship means, that both accept the other one, how he is. When i read your words, i don't have the feeling, that he accepts you, how you are. It seems to me, that he wants to controll you totally, do you really want to live like this in the future? Look into yourself, if you feel comfortable with all, what he's doing and asking for. Do you? It would scare me, and for me it would be no love. I think, you are a nice person, have qualities, and you can make decisions your own. Take care of yourself, girl.
thank you so much for your nice words. i am a very freindly girl and very outgoing that is why i never took this demmand very lightly and i get in trouble for speaking it too loud. i often get it twisted that he loves me and that is why he wants the best for me i guess its all based on enableing his problems. i love him and times i feel that he is not comfortable with me the way i am and thats why he wants to mold me to be exactly how he is. he can be kind and nice after all he send me money to get me pampered or get my bills paid. so that is why i am so confused on thsi domestic violence and yet he helps me.

thank you so much for your nice words. i am a very freindly girl and very outgoing that is why i never took this demmand very lightly and i get in trouble for speaking it too loud. i often get it twisted that he loves me and that is why he wants the best for me i guess its all based on enableing his problems. i love him and times i feel that he is not comfortable with me the way i am and thats why he wants to mold me to be exactly how he is. he can be kind and nice after all he send me money to get me pampered or get my bills paid. so that is why i am so confused on thsi domestic violence and yet he helps me.

Don't feel bad about being confused. If you read around on this forum you will see that men like that are master manipulators... they are very good at what they do. The reason they are so good at it is exactly BECAUSE they plant the seed of self-doubt in your mind so you BECOME confused. He takes a tiny little fraction of your self-esteem away every time.... bit by bit so you don't even notice until one day you wake up and see just how big the chunk is that you're missing.

Grooming a person for abuse is a process and it can often take years of tiny little subtle acts/words/facial expressions etc. which is also why many don't pick up on it. The book that is often recommended in this forum (Inside the minds of angry and controlling men) is very good. If you read it you will probably see the grooming that has been taking place over the past 4 years with you and him.

Try to do a search on Amazon for it. I would recommend reading it before you decide anything about your future with this man.

See, the thing is, that these men don't only have a bad side. The good sides are the ones, we are in love with. The question is, what weighs heavier? When you say, you have the feeling, that he sometimes feels uncomfortable with you and wants to mold you, the way, how he wants you to BE, he doesn't accept, how you ARE. If someone would try to mold me, for me that would be very presumptuous. You are an adult person, no one can mold you, you have an autonomous personality, you make your free desicions, if you want to change something on yourself.
Well, girl, of course do i have to leave the decision to you, but i'm worrying a bit. Stay strong.

Yes, like Rox73 said, read the book she has recommended. Hugs to you.

I was thinking the same thing that rox73 wrote, they are master manipulators. I still struggle with self confidence sometimes (though I hide that struggle well), and it has been since 1985, that I've been with "him." The putdowns start, but they make you doubt yourself in the process, it's crazy! They have a way of twisting things around. The control gets worse, the $, the keeping track of your whereabouts, as time goes by it does get worse. We had 2 kids together, I left him while pregnant with our second, (he tried to push me down 3 flights of stairs in the apt. building so I would miscarry). Later, it still got worse. Bumped into him at an ice cream store, he grabbed my keys and threw them so hard, my wrist fractured. I wasn't even alone either, a friend and her son was with me and my son. Later, he abused the kids. He has been a whole life battle, he came back and tried to get custody, (he lost), later he sued for slander, the case was dismissed after 7 long years!! that was only 2 years ago!
Get out now, you deserve better. True love is NOT controlling! True love is someone trying to help you become the best version of you! The version God created you to be. I've been married almost 20 years now, to someone I am safe with, who is definetly not controlling, (I just took back over the $$$ LOL, because I think I keep us on budget better!) and the one thing I appreciate the most, and will never take for granted, our kids are safe with him.
Lord BLess you,

Run away from this man!
He wants you isolated socially and dependant financially- both huge red flags!
A good man wants the woman he loves to have all the supportive friends she can and does not try to make her financially indentured or reduced to the status of a child asking for her allowance.
The desire to dictate your personal grooming habits is flat scary! A good man might very well encourage you to pamper yourself but won't be uptight about it if your nails aren't done and your hair is unstyled.... that this guy you're involved with gets upset if your appearance is not what he wants positively screams that he does not see you as a person but as a possession- something he owns that is his to do with whatever he pleases.

I'm not even going to get started on how bad an idea it would be to move to where his family is- a place where everyone is on his side and you're isolated from anyone who might be supportive of you-.... Terrible, awful, perhaps dangerous, idea.


RUN!

OK- I went back and read some of your other posts- and now I need to say it again, louder.... RUN...and don't be too friendly with that girl whose man is locked up at the same place, it's a way for him to keep tabs on you.

It will do something to you inside when they make you feel so low that you are not allowed to make eye contact with others and it gets worse if you make the mistake of speaking to someone without his permission.
I moved away from my family and friends to make him happy, to make him feel complete as he said. Doing that made me totally dependent on him and his every sick idea of a good life. His family only interfered when they felt I was not honoring my husband and were very quick ( I mean QUICK! ) to let him know any info. that might make me look bad in his eyes. Those people were not my friends or family but of the same blood as him.
The money situation was a tight one. If you let this man control your money then if you decide this is not the life you want you will still be connected to him because he holds your only resources to make it out without looking back.
I learned the hard way. You have your freedom and can make the choices you want right now, so just for a minute, imagine another person telling you what you can and cannot do 24/7. It's not a pretty life, I promise. ;)

OK- I went back and read some of your other posts- and now I need to say it again, louder.... RUN...and don't be too friendly with that girl whose man is locked up at the same place, it's a way for him to keep tabs on you.
well the reason why he wants me to get friendly with her is so she can do some favors such as bring in things such as cell phone and tobacco adn etc. not drugs he dont' do that stuff.

It will do something to you inside when they make you feel so low that you are not allowed to make eye contact with others and it gets worse if you make the mistake of speaking to someone without his permission.
I moved away from my family and friends to make him happy, to make him feel complete as he said. Doing that made me totally dependent on him and his every sick idea of a good life. His family only interfered when they felt I was not honoring my husband and were very quick ( I mean QUICK! ) to let him know any info. that might make me look bad in his eyes. Those people were not my friends or family but of the same blood as him.
The money situation was a tight one. If you let this man control your money then if you decide this is not the life you want you will still be connected to him because he holds your only resources to make it out without looking back.
I learned the hard way. You have your freedom and can make the choices you want right now, so just for a minute, imagine another person telling you what you can and cannot do 24/7. It's not a pretty life, I promise. ;)
thats what i was afraid to hear that when i move with his family it was going to be like this. quite a few months or even a year or so he did mention that no matter what his family is always going to side with him. he told me a situation with his brother and his girl the family was told not to talk to her because she disrespect him. i ask him lil by lil would he even lay a hand on me and he said never.

Honey, I answered in one of your other threads - YES! You are definitely heading toward a seriously physically abusive relationship. No questions about it. If you continue with this man you will be broken, battered, isolated, dependent, and dragged so low you won't remember what sunshine is. He told you that already. Believe him. And believe that his control now is nothing like what's going to happen when you move out to his family and he's out of prison. It will get worse. Much worse. A worse you don't even begin to understand. All you can do is trust those of us who have been there . . . you don't want to go.

He wants to use you to get into a position to lure or coerce another woman to violate both prison policy and criminal laws, and you think there's the slightest chance that he has any regard for anyone but himself?
Trust us, Darlin', this guy is just plain bad news.

thank you for all your post and all that you gave me each advice that i am taking quite seriously i havent' talk to him since 3 days ago. he tried calling like million times now calling everyone that he know that has my number. i had to take some time off from him and just think things serious of what is in store for me. right now i am lost. i love him but as you all said its heading down the wrong path.

I am glad to hear you are at least thinking about what you have been told by all of us. I wish we ( I ) could be supportive and tell you it will get better but from my experiece I only learned that it got worse.
Somday, when I get better and am ready for a relationship, I will find someone who does not feel the need to control me or my thoughts. Good luck and I hope you make positive choices for yourself too. sokie

I Have been having this dream lately its about him that he could not find me or it was me who could not find him. it was wierd because i can see him in my mind like my soul was over seeing where he was at and what he was doing. in yet i don't know specifically where such as this latest dream was i was trying to call someone and i can feel myself getting worried. Then i saw him in a big crowd area all pissed off doing some pull ups like a prison yard. he was mad i can see his face and his thought was like vivid in my head. he wanted to tell me stuff but something was blocking him to give me a message. when i woke up it was like whoa it felt as if he was so far away. What in da world is going on/. have anyone gone thru this?

well i finally talk to him last nite. i figure i would after all he send me some money to help pay some bills for me. i wanted to thank him and to let him know where i was standing on why i haven't had a chance to talk to him. we talked about alot of things on what i was wanting in this relationship and he admit he was a bit to strong but he didn't mean to put too much pressure on me. he says "that to believe in us and that everything that allhe want is teh best for us. the plans is what we want." we both have to want it 2gether. our hearts and minds have to be as one we both have to want this same thing or else it won't work. honestly we don't need anyone or anything or anybody else complicating and making it harder than its already gonna be" he admits that he is doing this for us and not only for him. he knows that i am very scared but he will loosen up and walked it thru with me .

Sweetie, that's called a honey trap. You acted dependent on him and he loved it. So he will say anything to suck you back in, hook you again. Then, when he really does hurt you in visitation, he's going to say more pretty stuff to make it your fault, but he'll be really generous about *forgiving* you. And he'll see it your way, for about 5 minutes. Then the old stuff will come back, and he'll hurt you again. And again.

DON'T trust his words!!!!

Don't you buy it, Darlin', it's part of a very predictable pattern-This time, he sugar coated an accusation that if you're comitted to this, you'll want exactly what he wants- even if that means having no control over your own life or even hairstyle- next time, you'll put up with more of his controlling nonsense in the spirit of "compromise", and when he pushes too far again, or actually does you physical harm, he'll apologize sweetly but throw in little comments about what you did to "make him" act like that- Next thing you know, you're sitting in his mother's kitchen with your hair done and nails polished, far from everyone who cares about you, financially dependant and emotionally drained....Please don't fall for it.

You really need to pay attention to that "don't need anyone or anything or anyone else complicating or making things harder then they are already going to be". Thats a big red sign telling you that you are going to be alone accept for him, it's call isolation.

Sokie is absolutely right- I literally shivered when I read that part.