Hello Everyone and thank you for stopping by and introducing yourselves and sharing a little bit about your story with all of us.

My name is Sunnie and I am the Moderator of this forum.

I have been a member of PTO since December of 2002 and only a mod of this forum for a short time.

I have been involved in an abusive relationship much like most of you and this forum is to create a bond with each other that only people who have been involved in abusive relationships can.

Because of the sensitivity of this topic, Domestic Violence, I would really appreciate it if we could be mindful of how others might take what we say out of context, and be careful not to give too much advice or tough love.
We can encourage members to leave, but it's kind of like the old saying that goes, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink".

Again, welcome to Introductions and stories, I look forward to getting to know each and everyone of you.

If you need me for anything feel free to pm me or any other moderator on PTO if I am not available.

Sunnie
PTO Moderator

do inmates write on here

ex cons can write on here, but not inmates.. I dont think.. That im not sure of...

Hello im new to this website. But im here to get information and advice from anyone out there that wishes to. I am 26 years old hooked up with my boyfriend. We got along so well. Were both cuban have the same backround. However he has gone through alot of traumatizing events throughout his whole life. Physical abuse drug abuse mental abuse. He wasnt loved as a kid. He resorted to drugs and lost himself. Hes now 28 years old and came into my life. He seemed to be doing well, no drugs. We were very happy with eachother. Hung out all the time. We dated for about 4 months. One day we had a little too much to drink and he had touched drugs without me knowing. And he flipped out. Long story short. Beat me up really really bad. Black eye scars bitemarks. I dont remember it happening ( i was drunk) but it was obvious. I still love him. I know he needs me and I miss him so much. Man , we got along so well. I still cry because our life changed in the blink of an eye. We had so many plans for 2007. Now i feel lost without his touch. But im standing tall and pray daily for God to help both him and i out. He will be out in 2013. Should i wait? Remember i love him so so much. He made me feel so special and loved. Advice please!!!!!! Were engaged.

Nationality doesn't matter, background doesn't matter, wealth doesn't matter, education level doesn't matter.

You don't have very much to go on, since you've only known him for a short time. Drugs or alcohol are often co-problems with abusiveness, but neither one causes the other, so don't start using the drugs or the booze as an excuse for his behavior.

If you have a problem with over-use/addiction yourself, then that's the first problem to tackle. . .if you were just overwhelmed with the closeness of the relationship and drinking companionably with him (sort of trying to keep up), then realize that this really is a very new relationship, to already be engaged! Understand that one of the hallmarks of abusive relationships is that they start in fast-forward.
Do you know his job history? Has he had a number of jobs, never keeping one, always feeling that his boss or his co-workers are dissing him, undervalueing him? Another bad sign.

One of the things that happens with abusers is that they are absolutely amazing at giving you everything you want (at the beginning), making you feel very, very special, like a princess, like no-one ever could feel like this. Then the fireworks start, the pushing, shoving, pinching, hitting, temper tantrums when you want to see your friends or family or co-workers.
Long story short, the abuse begins in smaller ways, honeyed with flowers or shoulder rubs, or whatever.
Given the family history you've told, he has a very good chance of being permanently abusive - that's just the kind of background that helps create an abuser.
Look around the web and read more about abuse. Educate yourself, and then take it slow - he's not going anywhere - and make decisions with your head and your information.
Good luck!

..he has gone through alot of traumatizing events throughout his whole life.
So? Does that mean it's ok to beat you?

He will be out in 2013. Should i wait? Remember i love him so so much. He made me feel so special and loved
No, you shouldn't wait. Love isn't supposed to hurt. Loving someone doesn't mean a black eye and bite marks. Love is respect.

I'm sorry this is so blunt, but everyone that answers your post has been there and has come out the other side (thank God).

Good luck Georgees. I fought with myself inside for a few years because between ass whippings my husband made me feel special, a sick kind of love shared between us (that he told me time after time I only understood him in this big world) and promised me a positive change if I'd just stick it out and not leave him. I use to blame the alcohol but then he whipped up on me a few times totally sober so that story quit holding for me too. I've come to find out in counseling that I wasn't ready to quit or give up until I had enough and I was one of the lucky ones because I walked (actually ran) away with my life. Anger and the need to hurt someone really isn't love but the need or want to control the other person. I am glad I left even tho sometimes I miss him very much. sokie

My best advise is to take care of yourself. The longer you stay with an abuser, the worse it gets. I'm sure there are some who change, but that's not the majority. I left my ex months ago, and even moved 1000 miles away, so that I'd stay away from him. He kept making promises and I'd keep taking him back. Used the old "I love you, I need help" routine. It worked, until he bit me on the face and made me take him to his drug dealer in the middle of the night. All over $50 worth of crack. So you see, it doesn't get any better. Take care of yourself!

NO YOU SHOULD NOT WAIT FOR HIM. Once an abuser...ALWAYS an abuser!
Do you honestly think he has changed? Sorry honey, he hasn't. I know
what my 19 yr old daughter went through with her abusive, drug dealing, crack head husband and believe me if a 19yr old can finally walk away...
girl you can get the strength to also! No woman deserves to be beaten. All the "I love you baby and it will never happen again" is nothing but lies they try to feed you. They always continue to abuse. It's often a High for them. Please get yourself some help for the abuse you have suffered. You are a wonderful person and deserve more in life then being beat and bitten. You need to love yourself first. You deserve to be in a loving relationship. It all starts with you changing and deciding that you are a beautiful person who deserves love not beatings. I suggest you get some counseling for battered women. They can really help you and get you on the right track in life. Like Bondsai'sgirl said... It DOES only get worse! Good luck honey!

:idea: I'm a victim of domestic violence. I have been married for 11 years in June and most of it except for 1 and a half years has been pure hell. My husband is a crack user. I have put him out and taken him back once he has gone to rehab. The last time he went to rehab he stayed clean for 6 months. This month on Mother's Day he hit me in front of our 6 year old son and that was the final straw and anything I felt for him died. I had already told him that I was not going to go through this year like I had the others. Our son don't deserve to see this kind of relationship. I have a protective order against him and of course he says that he doesn't deserve to be treated like this. He is getting very unstable. Anyone that can fuss with himself for 2 straight hours has a mental problem. He says that he is sorry, but as I told him sorry doesn't cut it any longer and that I'm tired of that same song and he needs to change the channel. I want the best for our son and having him out of the house is the solution. Our son is only 6 but he is very perceptive. My son told he that he is glad that his daddy is not here. I was wondering if once the protective order is up in on June 14, should I get another one started before then. I know that he will think that since the order is done, he can start coming over when ever he wishes. I would rather he didn't come over at all. For we finally have peace in our household.

Hi, I'm new to this site. I am a victim of domestic violence. I have been married to my husband for almost 10 years. We have separated 5 times since 2001 and I have had a domestic violence order or an order for protection 4 of those 5 times. I don't want to go into all the details of the things he has done to me. What I do need is some friends who have been through all this too. Currently he is in jail in SC awaiting trial on kidnapping charges. We are originally from NC and there I had to go before the magistrate and press charges against him. Here in SC it did not work that way. He was strung out on meth (again) and became very jealous and violent. He came to my work (I am a nurse.) and when I went outside to take him some money he grabbed me around my throat and told me he was taking me home to kill himself in front of the kids so they would know it was my fault. I fought him and about a mile down the road I managed to get loose and get out of the truck. There was a police officer about 3 cars behind us and he picked me up. My husband managed to get home to our kids. Two girls ages 7 and 9. He wouldn't let anyone in, not even the police. I was so scared. The police got inside and my girls were safe. Thank God. They took my husband to the hospital for a pysch eval and the next day he was arrested and charged with CDV and kidnapping. The state pressed those charges and I know he deserved them.
I got and order for protection. He has been in jail almost 8 weeks now. They convicted him on the CDV and sentenced him to a batterer's treatment program. He had a preliminary hearing and was bound over to circuit court on the kidnapping charge. There's no court date that I know of. He has been denied bond twice.
Can someone out there help me understand why I care what happens to him?
I have sent him money twice. I have let my kids write him. He doesn't write them back. They cry for their Daddy. I check on his mother and I've given her money too. He doesn't write her either. I am so scared of him and tired of being used and hurt, so why can't I just walk away?

I feel the same way as stillovingjoe...I would like to know why I still love and accept calls from a man who beat the hell out of me and wanted to kill both of us one night he got so strung out on meth that he couldn't even think straight!!??!! How do you know if you need counseling and how do you know when to let go? His family has done alot for me b/c my parents disapprove of our relationship and have washed their hands of me. Is that why I stay?! Because I feel I owe his family something? He says he loves me and wants to marry me when he gets out in February, but deep down I feel as though once he's out, he'll try to hurt me again. Or he will get back on drugs. He says it's a mind control game...and that he can control his drug use...is this true?!
I have so many questions and don't know where to start or where to turn? ANY HELP?!

they always say they can control their drug use,and i believe with help maybe they can.my husbands case he was into prescripion drugs,hydrocodone,methadone,whatever he could get his hands on,oxycotin,moraphine,he was a real d$ck on them,but he was still a d$ck without them,not as bad but bad enough because he wanted them.his family are all addicted to prescription drugs so their cure for anything was here you go have a pill...it was too hard for him to stay off them.proably you stay cause you love him and you want him to be what you fell inlove with,but i think personally that they never were what we fell inlove with,they put out there what they wanted us to believe intill we fell inlove then they showed their colors.there are alot of women here that have been through all of the above abuse,they been there and have good advice,i myself am still working on it,one minute i hate my husband and never want to hear from him again,the next i am excepting his calls,or wishing none of the bad shit ever happened,i find myself the last few days really depressed.but all i do is put to mind how he treated me,things he would say,and how i would have to walk on eggshells and i know i never want to be with him again,but it don't stop me from maybe not missing him so much but being alone and doing it all by myself....so i guess i was no help at all to you huh..lol sorry,there will be plenty of replys with helpful advice coming soon though ;)stick around this is a very helpful forum.

I have posted this several times on the DV forums and will continue until all of you have been made aware. I felt exactly the same way, couldn't understand why or how I could still love and miss the man (not really a man though) who treated me so horribly. I was on a mission to find out! I went to a DV support group and also bought the book, "Why does he do that". In my case it was due to "TRAUMATIC BONDING". Our entire relationship was filled with traumatic events, mostly due to his constant drug use. This formed an EXTREME EMOTIONAL BOND between us! This is NOT LOVE!! For him, it just put him in a position where he could USE AND ABUSE ME CONSTANTLY, (only to get his own way). I was so beaten down and conrolled that I gave in to him or mostly was just too damn affraid. When he knew I couldn't take it anymore, he would suddenly turn on the charm and become loving and affectionate, (throw me some crumbs, which he knew would work) and reel me back in! The more trauma, the stronger the ties. It is similar to a child clinging to an abusive parent. This also happens to adults in some situations. YES THEY PLAY WITH OUR HEADS AND THEY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING!! When we were broken up I missed him so bad, and couldn't figure out why!! I would take him back even when I DID NOT WANT TO!! When I realized that he knew all the while what he was doing, and had done the same thing in other relationships, (every relationship he has ever had was the same). He does this because IT WORKS FOR HIM!! He became a master at it!! To this day he still tries, but it no longer works on me. It no longer works because I AM ON TO HIM!! I'm not saying that his is true in every case, but they all sound very similar. Everyone on here should read this book. Knowledge brings power. I needed to empower myself to understand what had happened to me and to take control of my life back. I no longer think about him and feel love, only resentment for what he did to me. There was never any love on his part. It was all done to use me. Abusers never love the person that they are abusing.

hey all, i am new to this site, and my story is..... i was with a guy for seven years, and he was emotionally and physically abusive. i have gotten away from him now, i have one child to him, and i am worried about my son becoming violent, what are the chances if he has seen some violence in the home?

A lot of that depends on whether it was really big violence, whether he was ever involved (even by getting tossed out of the way), what age he was when he was seeing it, what his general temperment is and whether you raise him to become narcissistic.
There are degrees of all of these things that will give you an answer, but you'll never completely know until you see it or you don't, but you can stack the odds in your/his favor by getting him some intervention NOW.

hello, i am a survivor of domestic violence 1 relationship in 1993 that lasted for 11 months and 3months later 1994 i got in another relationship for protection it also lasted 11 months but it was like the prior relationship verbal physically sexual and mentally abusive i said i never wanted to be in a relationship like that because i grew up in a home where my father abused drugs and my mother the 2cd relationship i became the abusive because i became sick and tired and hoping the man i fell in love with would come back and the devil would go back to hell where he came from but was just an illusion and its also part of the viscious cycle my fiance is incarcerated and he has the utmost respect for me this 3rd situation i got lonely and got with a childhood friend he was verbally abusive and started pushing and pulling on me i recognized the signs and got the hell out of dodge im worth more than that i dont want to hurt anymore and i dont want to hurt anyone i love myself and i love people too

I'm allergic to salt water fish (i.e.) sharks so i need to stop casting my line in the deep blue sea my man even though he is in prison Dallas is a fresh water fish and i love him i have to learn my patterns and love me more in an unselfish way because if i dont love me and make me happy nothing will it's an inside job for me im become more comfortable the mor i accept who i am and not being someone that i am not no more people pleasing it gives an abuser room to work destructively in my life

no violence is acceptable the little things turn slaps a push a tug to bigger things punching kicking pulling hair slamming your head into something then the obssession gets stronger and harder to get away i've been there

Welcome to our little corner, dallaswife.

I was married to my exhusband for 7 years and we dated for 2 years before that. I married a man so much like my father that I thought their behavior was normal. Temper tantrums, yelling and screaming and being hit were all normal to me, I grew up with it all my life. During my first pregnancy we was angry that I got pregnant even though we had planned it for 3 years. After she was born things go worse because I couldn't give him all my attention anymore. Completely by accident I got pregnant again-with twins but at 6 months I miscarried because he was very sexually abusive to me. Three months after the twins died he left me for my best friend. I went to counseling and thought I had dealt with all of the trauma from him, until April 25, 2007; my exhusband was arrested for raping and molesting his 15 year old stepdaughter. It seem to bring back all the abuse that he did to me especially after hearing the details from the stepdaughter. My daughter is only 4 months older than the victim. After the trial and his conviction (he took a plea bargain) I have now found out that he was very abusive to his current wife. I do not know what to do the get out of this funky mood I have been in since he was arrested. I feel so sad that he hurt this child and so grateful that he didn't hurt our daughter. I do not have a sex drive (my husband and I have been married for 10 years) and do not care if I ever have sex again-I feel like all of this just happenened to me all over again. My exhusband often tied me to the bed and raped me for hours and then would hit me at least 2-3 times and the next day swear it never happened or that I made it up.
I just want my life back and do not know where to start. I have tried to make an appointment with a counselor at the Indian clinic that i go to since I don't have private insurance but there is a waiting list. Any advice to me would be much appreciated.
carla

Hi Carla:wave:
I don't have any real advise but I rattle away on here most of the time and it makes me feel better to get it out and have found people that support me threw everything I deal with daily. This is a nice place with good people. :grouphug: sokie

I know exactly what you mean, sometimes just telling someone about it and hearing their story makes you feel better. I try to count my blessings that I got away from him and that he didn't rape my daughter, but then again he still raped someone else. My daughter talked to her step sister on Sunday, they had not talked since September. They each realize the pain the other one was in and maybe they can begin to heal. But my daughter's stepmom is staying married to the man that raped her daughter, over and over. I can't understand it, I love my husband but I love my kids more. The last thing my daughter said to her stepsister Monday was "thank you for telling someone, I think I was going to be next" that broke my heart but at least I know he can't hurt anyone for the next 20 years. Thanks for listening to me and if it helps I can listen to you.
carla

If you're on a rez, then I don't know what to tell you, Carla. I know that there is a line 'way out the door for services for rape and violence. Have you tried the state-wide numbers?

And, as Sokie said, just coming here and laying it all out can help. There's no quick answer for any of these dreadful problems; it seems to take years and great effort to get it finally behind us. And then, somehow, it comes up again anyway.
May you have peace, just for tonight. Then we'll work on tomorrow, tomorrow,

I Know What Its Like To Be In A Domestic Relationship With My Husband If Thy Hit U Once It Will Happen Again Regardless Of What They Say It Usually Always Does.. I Know Its Hard To Walk Away When U Love Him But U Will Find The Strenght To.. My Husband Gets Out In Dec Of This Yr And I Hope He Stays Away From Me.

Hi,I'm Rita wanted to introduce myself,I live in Tn,where my husband is currently locked up at WTSP. Here is my story,we have been together for over 20 years, he use to beat on me when we where first marrried.We got divorced, then remarried again last year. He got out on parole last Feb. did ok for a few months.then got back on the Cocaine. So one night in Oct. he got coked up and drunk and threatned to cut my throat,then he tried to run me down with his vehicle.I had to call 911. They violated his parole because he didnt call his PO to tell her he had been arrested. Now he has 3 felonies charged against him. I'm feeling guilty.Don't know what to do. Any suggestions. Thanks for listening.

I am so glad that you got away from him and that you are OK physically. But emotionally you still have a lot of healing to do. First, you should not feel guilty that he did this to you, you are only responsible for your actions and not his actions; Second, are you seeing a counselor or anyone to talk so that you can sort through your emotions and feelings.
A support group would be really good for you. When I first left my ex-husband I attended counseling for about a year, it was really important to me to starting healing for my daughter. Now that he was been arrested for sexually abusing someone else, I am now going to see a counselor again. You need to talk to people, I really does help to talk to people and tell them how you feel. I know I am far away but you can email me anytime.
Carla

Thanks for the word of encouragement: I do see a counselor. I just don't know how to let go, if you know what I mean. He writes me everyday,the I'm sorry,,the same ole stuff you know. I just don't feel very strong right now. It's like I'm weak when it comes to him, and I am a very strong, and independent woman. Thanks for listening.

Hello all of U, I'm new here to PT.

I was involved with a man 5 years who was violent (verbally & physically) ...We broke up early last year, & I must admit it's been a very tough year for me since our ending took place.

hello i am not new to PTO i have been here a while since 1-9-08 alot anyway i love tony i am with tony but it has not always been like that

-i moved to las vegas with tony in june of 2005 he got arrested in september of 2005 for a parole violation they sent him to california for 9 months-- meanwhile i met Kitt we started dating october of 2005 the physical abuse started in december but by then he wast staying with me (i was really mad at tony) i started calling the police(i continued to call the police and make a report every time) because i had never been hit before i did not grow up with violence so i knew it was wrong march of 2006 he hit me in front of a police officer that was when the order of protection( the first order of protection i ended up getting 3) was put in place anyway i kept letting him come back
- tony was to get released in june i decided to not bother with tony anymore i was going to be with Kitt well he made me pick him i did not contact tony he called me i told him it was over i was with Kitt
-- well after that in July 2005 there was a big fight and my friend called the police kitt left he came back that night she called the police again the police ended up coming back 4 times they were looking for him in the neighborhood everything he broke in to my bathroom and the police came in the house and arrested him
--i realized what a mistake i made i wanted tony back i called him he was in california i went and got tony he came back to vegas with me -went to court with me and Kitt was sentenced and everything i think they give him like 6 months and classes well tony had another PV in september of 2006 which they gave him 9 months again
-- well when Kitt got out in january 2007 he was back and forth-Tony was released in may of 2007 and had to go to court with me last summer(2007) because kitt had charges against him from all the police reports that i kept filing anyway i have not see Kitt since last summer (in court where they gave him suspended sentence)
--------Tony was arrested in january of 2008(he got 6months for a PV) and i was thinking about Kitt anyway i went online and found out that he was back in jail (because of the suspended sentence)
the other day a friend of mine that i met through kitt called me and told me that kitt had a heart attack in jail that was it he did not any more information
-- i feel really bad i know that i shouldn't and i have decided to share my story here rather than write kitt a letter i need to let it go i have not seen or heard from him since last summer i need to keep it that way i need to remember how he hurt me with my girls watching how that is going to affect them the rest of there lives and be grateful that Tony is not like that at all he doesn't even call me out of my name
-- but i have a part of me that is sorry for Kitt and know he can change and i feel that at some point in time i did love him but i can't anymore well that is my story i felt like i just need to vent or share or something
thanks
jackie
i guess this is my way of letting go of Kitt forever

Hello... my name is Jennifer. I am a survivor of domestic abuse. I am not here though to talk about my own story. I am here because I have a 20 year old daughter who is a victim of domestic abuse. I keep reaching out trying to save her, and she keeps reaching out, asking to be saved, but then she gets sucked right back in. I don't know what to do anymore. I will never stop being here to offer her a safe place and a shoulder and a hug, but I don't know how much more I can honestly take before I end up doing something to her abuser. I don't want to go to jail, but what am I supposed to do?

Below is a poem I wrote for her, before her situation became physical and was still at the emotional abuse stage.
------------------------------------------------
Rescue-
I see the pain you think you hide
I feel the hurt you've been keeping inside
love's not supposed to make you cry

You can't kid yourself baby girl
I know where you are
I've been there too, it's no place for you

Set yourself free from this
cycle of abusive insanity
I'll be here to catch you, trust in me

I'd rather die a million deaths
than watch a man treat my daughter
with disrespect and insolence

I miss seeing your beautiful smiling face
A man who loves you wouldn't take that away
Why would he want to?

I can't live your life
or make decisions for you
that's not my place in my daughter's world

I just want to stand by your side
offering support, a shoulder
a place to hide

Honey, I am your mother
you are more precious to me than
anything else this world could offer

I know you're afraid
change is a damn scary thing
but you aren't alone

Let me handle the fears
let me dry your tears
let me bring you home safe

You didn't sign up to fight in a war
you don't have to be a soldier
come on home, it's over

Shhhh, everything will be alright
lay down and sleep
you're home and safe tonight
--------------------------------------
~Jennifer~

I think it is wonderful that you will stand beside your daughter no matter what. I can tell you from the experience of having my parents beside me that it has made me stronger and if I ever thought about contacting him again all I had to do was look into my mother's eyes and it stopped me in my tracks.
All I can tell you is to keep letting her know that you love her but don't put yourself in harms way. She will wake up one day like a light coming on. ;) Be there for her because there is nothing a girl needs more then the understanding love and hug from their mom.
sokie

OMG, Jennifer.. Ok I don't think I am suppose to be crying at work..

I don't even know what to say.. I can't even tell my own mother these things that I am going through.. don't want to put her through all that.
That is such a beautiful poem.. *HUGS* to you and your daughter!

I married an abuser, I believed him when he said he'd never do it again, a year goes by and again it happened, another year goes by and it happens all over again! It;s happened 3 times. I've signed half of the divorce papers, and stopped because he again promised to change. He is now serveing till 2010 in prsion. and later has a rehab to go too for 18 months. plus 4 years probation. nothing is written in stone with him or I because I now have an 8 month old that I have to protect. If he so much as picks up a drink, drug, in anyway i'm gone. yeah, i've said i'd leave before and never do it, I guess because I thought I could change him. yeah, right like that really worked! The question I have for all of you is should I believe him now, and what behaviors of improvement can I look for? He says, he doesn't drink - drugs while in prison. and he has a reson to do better. me his wife and his daughter. then again he had a son when he was a teenager and that didn't change him! what's different!

I married an abuser, I believed him when he said he'd never do it again, a year goes by and again it happened, another year goes by and it happens all over again! It;s happened 3 times. I've signed half of the divorce papers, and stopped because he again promised to change. He is now serveing till 2010 in prsion. and later has a rehab to go too for 18 months. plus 4 years probation. nothing is written in stone with him or I because I now have an 8 month old that I have to protect. If he so much as picks up a drink, drug, in anyway i'm gone.(But what if you don't have the chance to make it out or you can't get your daughter out? Can you live with it? I personally have a rough day everyday because my daughter didn't.) yeah, i've said i'd leave before and never do it, I guess because I thought I could change him. yeah, right like that really worked! The question I have for all of you is should I believe him now, and what behaviors of improvement can I look for? He says, he doesn't drink - drugs while in prison. and he has a reson to do better. me his wife and his daughter. then again he had a son when he was a teenager and that didn't change him! what's different!

I would not trust him. You have someone very special to protect and that is not just you. You have the chance to show your daughter what life is about, to show her that love doesn't involve making her mother cry or bleed--or maybe even hurting her if you should do something to piss him of and he can't get to you.
Life is way too short to be worrying if you can change another persons habits, faults, anger, or be his boxing buddy...live life for you and your child. I wish I could make the choice because I would pick my child every time now that I understand sometimes a person can't take back what they do to you in anger/rage. sokie

Hi, I'm new here and have read many stories before i wrote this. The first thing to strike me, (well the second i guess!!!.) is how right i was when i told him over and over again that he was not as special or unique as he tried to make me believe. There are not too many pages in the book of pain these guys have written. There may be some differences in a turn of phrase but the fact remains that on the whole they are very ordinary and mundane in their practices. They confuse fear with respect- they all seem to believe that making us fear them is making us respect them and could not be further from the truth. I used to tell my ex that he could not even be original with his tyranny on those rare occasions that I got so fed up with the abuse that i would fight back, i think i was slightly suicidal on those days. It was the same name calling and threats and false accusations every day. I did not want my daughters to grow up believing that love means cruelty and that is what finally made me do what ever it took to get away. 18 Months of constantly moving from one refuge or temporary housing place to another until our case finally made it to court!!!. Meanwhile he still had visitation rights to the kids so I had to see him Once A Week!!. Catching public transport all over the place to throw him off in case he had someone following me. Anyway we are free again- but my babies still have nightmares. I cant afford the luxury of crying for myself but sometimes I cry for them. I allowed that twisted individual to give my little ones bad dreams and for what???. A few well placed words of love or deeds of affection that were designed to suit his purposes. But we are still FREE AGAIN!!!!.

Welcome, hon! So many strategies we have to employ to get away from their "love"! My son had nightmares and strange early memories, even though we left when he was only 9 months old! I sorrow for every minute he had to spend with that man. . .

I still feel guilty- for my daughters sake- not his behaviour. we are in couselling and hope that the memories will fade. I say that like its easy - really i KNOW his actions are not my fault but FEELING that is a different thing. having him near the girls was the worst mistake of my life but he is their father so they would not exist without him, they are the only good thing he ever did and even that was to torment me. He took and took and hurt and dissasembled me but no matter how I tried I never put myself back together again in the right order to please him. I tried every day to reassemble the way he wanted me but failed every time. Then I figured out that he didn't want me to change he wanted to destroy me. Sorry- I don't want to whinge because I'm lucky I GOT OUT ALIVE. now We can be who we are. Some people don't get that far. I still think about how loving and romantic he could be when he needed to lure me back. I ran many times before and he found us, I was too scared to defy him until finally the police were invoved. If I had known how long it would take at the beginning I would not have been able to go through with it but I am sooooo glad I did. thank you for aknowledging us that is what people in our situation need as you know, so again THANK YOU.

Hi, Im new,

I would like to say thank you to everyone here for sharing their stories because it is a hard thing to do..it is a little like reliving some awful things that has happened...But it is a source of hope to me and I am sure to others because we can become better informed and aware of our own situations..Knowledge is power they say and it is true. I havent read everyones story but I have been poking around and it feels good to know that you can make it out to the other side. Im dealing with a situation now that I am trying to understand and by reading about others I become better informed and it gives me hope. If they can do it so can I!

-Toast.

Hi, Im new,

I would like to say thank you to everyone here for sharing their stories because it is a hard thing to do..it is a little like reliving some awful things that has happened...But it is a source of hope to me and I am sure to others because we can become better informed and aware of our own situations..Knowledge is power they say and it is true. I havent read everyones story but I have been poking around and it feels good to know that you can make it out to the other side. Im dealing with a situation now that I am trying to understand and by reading about others I become better informed and it gives me hope. If they can do it so can I!

-Toast.
Welcome to the boards Toast. :)
Yes you can make it out and you have a couple very smart ladies to help lead you should you need advise (Nimuay and LeBeau) ;). This place walked me out in 2007 and continues to help me find my way.
sokie

Hi my name is Angel and I am new. I just recently learned of this website and I wish that I had it when I was being abused back in 2006-2007. My husband has now been in prison for his 3rd aggravated domestic violence since March 9, 2007. I am not a small woman and I have never backed down from anyone but the thought of him can make me want to cry, scream, and hide all at once. He abused me for over a year before I could get enough evidence to send him to prison. A lot of it was his word over mine. Then it got where I wouldn't tell. The cops would ask me to press charges and I would say can you put him in prison for it or jail. They would say that he would only get jail so I wouldn't tell. I wasn't stupid. They couldn't protect me. For several months I lived in terror that I would go to sleep and not wake up. At the end he would tie me up at night sometimes and tell me what that he should carve his name on me. I got away once and someone gave him the key to my apt. and I came home, opened up my door, stepped inside and then I went flying through the air, then I got punched, hit, hand broke, ribs cracked, jaw bruised, choked unconscious and a nice concussion. After that I wasn't allowed out of his sight, at night I was tied up so I couldn't run away. Then one day I couldn't take it anymore and when he parked too close to our apt. office I ran and called the police. I was covered in bruises so they could make all the charges stick. When he was first locked up I felt guilty and tried to drop the charges. Now I want to slap myself for that. The past year and half has changed me so much. I have confidence, I have friends, I am engaged, I have a wonderful life, but when I think of him it all goes away and I feel like I did being locked in our apt. To make matters worse, he is scheduled for release May 23, 2009, but I just found out that he is currently taking his Batter's class and then he will be up in front of the parole board and be eligible for parole. I am scared to death. I don't know what to do. The restraining order is dropped and they said that he must threaten me before they will put on a new one. How do you protect yourself from the past? I can hide in my house but I can't hide from my mind or my memories.

:wave:injured_angel and welcome to this forum. I am so very sorry that you have been treated like this but glad you made it out. :)
Let me begin by telling you that I believe you have been misinformed about getting a restraining order. If you feel that he will harm you then go to your local domestic violence shelter and tell them. They have people there that can deal with this for you because he was sent to prison for hurting you. That what TRO's are all about and if you feel he will do it again any sane judge will make it permanent. Please don't give up hope and go with that gut feeling that he will hurt you again because it's probably a fact.....anyway that what it sounds like from your past experiences with him
sokie.

Hi Injured_Angel -

Another thing you might be able to do is talk to his PO and see if they can put a no-contact order as a condition of parole. They did it here for me a couple years ago - the PO's idea...

good luck,
Liz

I think it is wonderful that you will stand beside your daughter no matter what. I can tell you from the experience of having my parents beside me that it has made me stronger and if I ever thought about contacting him again all I had to do was look into my mother's eyes and it stopped me in my tracks.
All I can tell you is to keep letting her know that you love her but don't put yourself in harms way. She will wake up one day like a light coming on. ;) Be there for her because there is nothing a girl needs more then the understanding love and hug from their mom.
sokie


I am going to agree with Sokie, here. Having a support group (your family) is one of the best things an abused person can have. Fortunately for me, I have my kids and they all support me and are very candid when it comes to telling me their opinion and the things I really need to do to protect myself. They have been there and worked late with me so that I was not alone, they have fielded calls and waste no time in calling help if need be.
They say children of abuse either grow up to be abusers or "victims" of abuse. The fact that my kids don't tolerate it must be because they were not raised around it and find it completely unacceptable.

Jennifer, I hope and pray that your daughter hears what you are saying and finds the strength to get out and stay out, trusting you for guidance and support. Be strong for her so that she will always know that safe haven with you.

A lot of that depends on whether it was really big violence, whether he was ever involved (even by getting tossed out of the way), what age he was when he was seeing it, what his general temperment is and whether you raise him to become narcissistic.
There are degrees of all of these things that will give you an answer, but you'll never completely know until you see it or you don't, but you can stack the odds in your/his favor by getting him some intervention NOW.


Nimuay - Please explain "raising him to become narcissistic"

I have only recently learned (sort-of) what narcissistic is, and I am guessing that what you mean is similar to the poem that states something like raise a child with love and he will learn to be patient and tolerant, raise a child with criticism and he will learn to be angry, etc. Anyway, can you please help me with it?

Thank you,

can i delete a thread that i posted? remember. i am the author and i started the thread. i just don't want it up anymore...

No. Unless there are imminent safety issues, we do not delete threads or posts. The fact that the answers are not to your liking isn't a policy issue, and they may be of use to others in the future, so they all stay . . . yours, mine, and anyone else's.

Hey....apologies folks..........I've been poodling around for a bit and realised that I hadn't posted an intro......too keen to get stuck in I s'pose:o!

I'm 36, UK lesbian in a relationship now for 6 years with a 6.5 year old stepson to boot. My previous relationship lasted for 10 years and ticked all the dv boxes - physical, emotional, financial, social.....didn't realise how bad it was till I got out.

As I type and drift off into a world of memories again I still can't believe / resent how fresh my past still is.....and how raw it can be.

Yeah, once you get out, it suddenly strikes you that you've been the prisoner of a terrorist for all that time! It's amazing that we can't see it while we're in, isn't it?

can i delete a thread that i posted? remember. i am the author and i started the thread. i just don't want it up anymore...

Truth hurts, this I know but to the best of my knowledge it has never killed anyone unlike DV. Don't worry about the threads you posted; the advice we offered will help SOMEONE and thats why we do it. Marcia

i read what you wrote it made me think alot i am 31 years old and my husband is 22 he is now incarcerated at wasco for the first time he is there for abusing me for the third time we have been married now for 4 years and have two kids

Hello everyone. I have been in this forum from time to time and have commented on some threads, but have never really done an introduction. So here I am :o

I am Butrfly420. Over the course of the last 10 years I have been in multiple abusive relationships, but the relationship that I had with my now ex was the last straw for me. We were together for one year before he went to prison (parole violation for another charge unlrelated to DV) and he is doing a 5 year term. He will actually get out in 9 months.
When he was out it was a very tumultuous relationship. He showed classic signs of a sociopath. Very controlling...very charming, very manipulative, callus, not loving but then very loving....he could knock whatever self esteem you could possibly have right out of you but at the same time could make you feel like you were the most important person in the world. People just believe what he would say...including me. After he went to prison I stayed with him for about another year until I was finally strong enough to leave. Leaving was easy..it was the staying away that was the most difficult.

Now that we are no longer together...I have been able to see so many realizations about the abuse. Things that I never thought would happen to me in my life. I always knew it was abusive...in the back of my mind...but I never really accepted it and I always justified it with some reason. Plus I loved him...so I kept telling myself it would be different one day. But one day never came and I had to make a change.

Anyways...I dont mean to babble...I just wanted to say how great it is to have a forum like this...for all of us who struggle with the DV that we have endured and still endure in our lives.
Its so nice to know we are not alone. :o

I was in an escalating abusive relationship for 28 years, which went over the top when he started using meth (at the age of 48). He went from Computer Programmer in SF to homeless in rural Oregon. I left not for myself, but for the safety of the children...and for their well-being. I have seen the difference it has made in their lives, and I know I did the right thing.

As a result of DV in my life, I ended up working with women serving Term-Life sentences in the women's prisons here in California. It is sad that many of these women ended up with these sentences because THEY were being abused. It only takes a moment to make a mistake -- I'm grateful I didn't land that last swing of the shovel up against my ex's head when he was attacking me. He could have ended up dead, and I could have ended up spending the rest of my life in jail, with my kids in foster care. Or when he was crazy out-of-his-head, he could have killed me or one of the children.

I'm delighted to see this forum here.

HUGGERS fellow cubana!! I am a 51 yr old cuban woman married to a black muslim man..when I met him i was 19 ..he was 15..the meeting was brief and platonic because of difference in ages....We met again in 2003 and he recognized me and I saw something familiar in him..turned out we had met before ...well anyway that was 2005..he was abusive then ....physically....mentally...sexually...emotionall y...financially......guess what???I MARIED him in 2007...I spent 10,000 to get him out of jail when him and the girl he left me for in 2005 got busted for selling drugs on 6-^-06....shouldve told me something...but dumb me didnt see thats God's punishment...on Mar 18th 2009 he punched me in the facewith a double edge razor in between his fingers and i sustained 17 stiches on my jawline..i pressed charges...i went to municipal court and signed out a complaint..Im not to bright on judicial system..shouldve left it aloe the state wouldve picked it up..well he got 4 months i jail and 1 y probation...they still go the same case in superior court..now they want me to appear there...NOT..i since left the state of Nj to parts unknoown...dont trust orders of protection...well hun gl to you my beautiful cuban suister..and dont let this man get to you..an abuser is an abuser there is NO difference!!Hello im new to this website. But im here to get information and advice from anyone out there that wishes to. I am 26 years old hooked up with my boyfriend. We got along so well. Were both cuban have the same backround. However he has gone through alot of traumatizing events throughout his whole life. Physical abuse drug abuse mental abuse. He wasnt loved as a kid. He resorted to drugs and lost himself. Hes now 28 years old and came into my life. He seemed to be doing well, no drugs. We were very happy with eachother. Hung out all the time. We dated for about 4 months. One day we had a little too much to drink and he had touched drugs without me knowing. And he flipped out. Long story short. Beat me up really really bad. Black eye scars bitemarks. I dont remember it happening ( i was drunk) but it was obvious. I still love him. I know he needs me and I miss him so much. Man , we got along so well. I still cry because our life changed in the blink of an eye. We had so many plans for 2007. Now i feel lost without his touch. But im standing tall and pray daily for God to help both him and i out. He will be out in 2013. Should i wait? Remember i love him so so much. He made me feel so special and loved. Advice please!!!!!! Were engaged.

:)ALL abusers get you through sweetness..mine got me through familiarization of prior meeting and we are both pisces...he is a speedball freak (i id not know at the time) thought he used crack...Im an alcoholic..PTSD... because of a gang raped I suffered when I was 22 it left me very vulnerable to him..and believe me i wen through that whole domestic violence rollecoaster with him..my kids have been great (esp my daughters) they have supported me in every way helpig me nourshering and giving me back what he took..my self respect and self esteem....do NOT make the drug the culprit..he was a victim of domestic volence and he came out of it the abuser himself.....the drug didnt cause the ABUSE..it only lethis inhibitions down so he could commit the abuse......leae this man alone...my whole LOVE life has been one domestic violence after another.....i also sustained 72 stiches to my face a stab wound in my chest and 2nd and 3rd degree burns back in 1986...all he did was 4 months in jail..the laws are stricter now on domestic violence...dont be like me ...you are still very young..get a man that will nurture you and help you grow positively...Nationality doesn't matter, background doesn't matter, wealth doesn't matter, education level doesn't matter.

You don't have very much to go on, since you've only known him for a short time. Drugs or alcohol are often co-problems with abusiveness, but neither one causes the other, so don't start using the drugs or the booze as an excuse for his behavior.

If you have a problem with over-use/addiction yourself, then that's the first problem to tackle. . .if you were just overwhelmed with the closeness of the relationship and drinking companionably with him (sort of trying to keep up), then realize that this really is a very new relationship, to already be engaged! Understand that one of the hallmarks of abusive relationships is that they start in fast-forward.
Do you know his job history? Has he had a number of jobs, never keeping one, always feeling that his boss or his co-workers are dissing him, undervalueing him? Another bad sign.

One of the things that happens with abusers is that they are absolutely amazing at giving you everything you want (at the beginning), making you feel very, very special, like a princess, like no-one ever could feel like this. Then the fireworks start, the pushing, shoving, pinching, hitting, temper tantrums when you want to see your friends or family or co-workers.
Long story short, the abuse begins in smaller ways, honeyed with flowers or shoulder rubs, or whatever.
Given the family history you've told, he has a very good chance of being permanently abusive - that's just the kind of background that helps create an abuser.
Look around the web and read more about abuse. Educate yourself, and then take it slow - he's not going anywhere - and make decisions with your head and your information.
Good luck!