Here's my situation... I met Chris a few years ago through a pen pal site. In his first letter he wrote me he stated it couldnt go beyond friendship between him and I. I never really questioned it... I assumed he was already in a relationship but I was cool with it because honestly I wasnt looking for more than friendship at that time. After about 6 months of correspondence he told me the reason that he said it couldnt go beyond friendship between us was because of his "morals"... he didnt agree with interracial dating (I'm white and he's black). We got into some heated discussions and arguments after that. He mistakenly thought I was angry because I wanted him and couldnt have him. Yes I cared about him, but I wasnt trying to pursue him like that at that point. I just stated my opinion that I thought his "morals" were racist and ignorant. I continued to stick by him as a friend, went to visit several times and even called some females for him he was trying to purse on three way when he called me so they could talk. Our friendship has had ups and downs, eventually I got fed up with his attitude and told him I no longer had interest in corresponding with him. Two months after that he wrote me a letter apologizing and confessing his love for me (we always told each other we loved each other but this letter was on another level). Since then he has asked me to marry him and says I made him realize how his "morals" were wrong. Things have been going great with us in the past 6 months and I am really falling for him. The thing is .. how do I get past the whole situation that he originally didnt want to be with me because of race? I told him I dont think that he really wants to be with me because of me... but maybe because I stood by him have been there for him when the other girls havent. He claims thats not the case. We have become a big part of each others' lives and I have gotten close to his family. I just cant help but think I am the only one thats left sticking by him, so he compromised and "settled" for me. What do you think?

I see your friend has a very long sentence.This makes me suspicious about his sudden change of heart.If he starts asking for money or other things like that you have your answer.He needs someone one the outside,and you may be the only one there for him.If his family does these things for him and this is not his motive I would just take things slow.I am in a married interracial relationship and race was never an issue here.See how it unfolds-and don't make any quick decisions.

Just don't be stupid about it all. But in reality alot of black men think their soul mates are in the same race personally they got issues but if he cares for you truely he will see past the color lines

It's possible your involvement with him has brought forth the change in his life to where he now believes that he can have a fulfilling relationship with a woman of any race. Perhaps it's possible he's willing to try because sometimes you don't know unless and/or until you try.

Well - I Would Be Cautious Myself. Why The Sudden Change Of Heart? I Would Put Your Feelers Out When You Go See Him Because If He Is Trying To Pull The Wool Over Your Eyes, It Will Eventually Show.

Just Keep Your Eyes Open And Dont Show Your Whole Heart Yet.

i would listen to the other ladies and be cautious as well! :thumbsup:

Thats what I've been trying to do.. take it slow and cautious. I told him that I wont be jumping into anything any time soon. If he sticks around and stays true I guess I will know he wants me for me and not because of the lonliness and the trailer visits! Thanks all!

Well for someone who held such strong views on the subject, he seems to have had a change of heart quite suddenly....i would be wary to, but i hope it does all work out and it is happening because of his true feelings and you are able to break down that barrier...

There's such a thing as fooled around and fell in love. Because his professions are sudden, he could have motives. But because he could fall in love with who you are on the inside of yourself, he could come out of this with his nose wide open!!:D It all depends on you hun -- don't give him something to be scared of which could keep his attention at a distance. Give him something to desire and want because that will increase his attentions, on you. :o Best wishes to the both of you. :o

I agree with HSH, I think you have changed his mindset about IRR. He may have come from an upbringing of very racial thinking and it takes time to shed that and decide that it doesn't matter what others think. My man prayed to God how he could have been blessed with his soulmate but how could it be possible that she is white. IIn my wildest dreams never dreamed my soulmate would be black, an inmate, and have a shaved head. God has plans, the world is evolving! You didn't come together for no reason and its just taking him some time to realize it. Forgive him and thank God for his change and blessing!

I say use your head and then you will come to the conclusion that this dude is probably trying to use you.

First off it is possible for someone to change true enough, but it is hard for a grown man who is set in his ways because 9 out of 10 he grew up with the same ideals, secondly I understand you were his friend but I would not have ever called any females for him on my time so they can conversate he decides he has a change of heart because he see you growing a back bone and saying enough of this and if it ain't no chance for us then why am I putting myself thru this so now its time to take action and act like he wants a relationship.

Think about it how else was he getting thru to these people when you werent there? He probably see you as his link to the outside and now he knows your fed up so he is trying to sink you back in by giving you what he thinks you want.

A chance for a relationship. Let him go play his games else where, I hate when an inmate decides to develop imagined feeling.:mad:

I dont think he grew up with those ideals because I am close with his mother, she rasied him and his brothers and sister on her own, and race isnt an issue with her. Every time she hangs up the phone with me she says "I love you". His explanation at first was that he feels a dedication to his people. Regardless of what the explanation was, I know he wasnt raised with those "morals". As it stands now, I dont have telephone communication with him and I havent since last June (he professed his love to me in January). We only do letters and visits. The telephone provider I have now doesnt have a contract with MCI so I would have to set up an account with MCI and pay them up front in order to get calls from him. He's fine with it and isnt trying to persuade me to get the phone turned on. So, it's not like he can use me for that. And when I cut off the correspondence last year it wasnt because of other girls, he just started getting an attitude with me. He said in one of my letters I told him that I had been on one date recently and in another he said I told him I had been on "a few" (which I dont recall doing) but he got upset about it saying that I lied to him. I told him that it doesnt matter anyway because we werent together. In two years I have only put money in his commissary twice (a total of $40) and that was because I wanted to (for a birthday and a christmas), not because he asked. I'm not trying to defend him by any means, but I'm just saying at this point I dont know what he could be using me for. I dont doubt that he does love me, I just ponder if someone else were to come along that showed interest in him that was of his race would he still be true to me.

I dont think he grew up with those ideals because I am close with his mother, she rasied him and his brothers and sister on her own, and race isnt an issue with her. Every time she hangs up the phone with me she says "I love you". His explanation at first was that he feels a dedication to his people. Regardless of what the explanation was, I know he wasnt raised with those "morals". As it stands now, I dont have telephone communication with him and I havent since last June (he professed his love to me in January). We only do letters and visits. The telephone provider I have now doesnt have a contract with MCI so I would have to set up an account with MCI and pay them up front in order to get calls from him. He's fine with it and isnt trying to persuade me to get the phone turned on. So, it's not like he can use me for that. And when I cut off the correspondence last year it wasnt because of other girls, he just started getting an attitude with me. He said in one of my letters I told him that I had been on one date recently and in another he said I told him I had been on "a few" (which I dont recall doing) but he got upset about it saying that I lied to him. I told him that it doesnt matter anyway because we werent together. In two years I have only put money in his commissary twice (a total of $40) and that was because I wanted to (for a birthday and a christmas), not because he asked. I'm not trying to defend him by any means, but I'm just saying at this point I dont know what he could be using me for. I dont doubt that he does love me, I just ponder if someone else were to come along that showed interest in him that was of his race would he still be true to me.

People use the word LOVE so loosely nowadays.

I didn't say other girls cause you to cut him off, I said he wouldn't be using my time on the phone with him as a time to contact females or people in general.

It seems to me by your response you have all the answers, you either do or you don't. I am just saying that when you helping somebody out wether it be him by giving him money which you did but you don't do it now, or his parents by helping them to take care of him with your concern probably writing him, visiting him etc; if you will they gonna tell you anything if you helping to keep his spirits up so as far as you knowing this and knowing that, thats just it you don't know you only know what they tell you and thats with anybody. What I am saying is nobody adopts ideals like " no one can appeal to me like a black woman" (quote is just an example) over night those ideals had to come from some where and as a black person i'm telling you its usually a belief steming from child hood.

If you say you haven't been doing this or doing that for some months for him so you don't think he using you than that's on you I was just telling you what it sounded like to me.

Again it sounds like you have it all worked out as to what you want to do so continue to do you but when a person usually makes statements like " i'm not trying to take up for him" it usually is exactly what your trying to do.

I'm just saying doe!;)

I see a red flag! I would proceed with caution. I don't think you need any more advice though, you seem to have good instincts.

Trust yourself,
Patty

By no means do I have it figured out, I guess I just try to rationalize things in my mind because thats how I want them to be. Thanks again everyone, it was really nice to hear different perspectives! :o

I would be alittle worried..just be careful. This too worries me that at first because you were white, he had a issue, although he did not have one for your use of the telephone and threeways etc..but now, where are those girls that you gracefully called for him?

My babyboy is black and as u can see, I am white, Maurice has NEVER and I mean never had a white girl in his entire life, he is from Hickory North Carolina and he said he did not even have white friends, but never once did he EVER say that he would not be with me because of my race..When I wrote him I told him that I was Italian/Portugese and he told me in the very first letter that he had never been with a white gir before, but never passed judgement..he learned to love me for me, not the color of my skin..

Be Careful!!!

I dont think he grew up with those ideals because I am close with his mother, she rasied him and his brothers and sister on her own, and race isnt an issue with her. . . . His explanation at first was that he feels a dedication to his people. Regardless of what the explanation was, I know he wasnt raised with those "morals".
You are correct -- this is not something blacks are taught growing up, and it is not a moral, but instead a choice. I can relate to it 100% because I used to feel the same way. That because the life and times history, past and present of the black man has/is struggle,I felt a compassion to him not because of his skin colour BUT AS A MEMBER OF HIS RACE I COULD PERSONALLY RELATE TO HIS STRUGGLES of being black.

For your friend, it's the flip. Black women have their struggle too and your friend has felt/feels the same.

It's not a race or racist way -- it's actually a relating to loyalty and compassion based on struggle that only black people have experienced and continue to experience.

In the same way I passed that, your friend could get past it too. As the times have changed the quality in people seem to have deteriorated. A lot of black men seem to have no sense of loyalty and compassion because if they did they would be hustands and not baby daddys leaving the woman to fend for herself. That made me feel like "so why feel a sense of loyalty and compassions toward them when they seem to just be out for self." So I let it go.

You've been cautioned to be careful, but I feel ALL OF US should be careful. But how careful can you really be when hurt and getting hurt, sadly, is a part of being in a relationship. Only because people tend to hurt the closest person to them and the one who loves them the most.

I can understand the phone calling and other errands you did for him. You were his friend not his woman. Of course if you were his woman, you wouldn't of made the calls, and he wouldn't of asked you. But as his friends, people do things for their friends, people are there for their friends, and that's what you were -- his friend who was there for him. Even here, many women have said if their relationship doesn't work out that they still want to be his friend and be there for him, and that's what you was -- a friend who was there for him.

You will not be the only woman taking a chance -- WE ALL ARE TAKING A CHANCE -- in prison and out of prison.

j, My husband is black, I'm white. If he had had ANY problems with that at the beginning, we wouldn't be anything right now. Prejudice runs deep no matter what side of the fence you are on and if he (your friend) had a problem, he probably still does. He sounds pretty posessive if you ask me, and how much respect does he have for you if he talked to you like that then when you had the respect for yourself to turn away, he comes and says he loves you on a deeper level? Give your self some credit and trust your instincts. There are a lot of other guys, find another pen pal who doesn't tell you right off that you are not good enough to get too close because you are not the right color for him.

Follow your instinct. Nobody knows what is going on but you.

A lot of times, a black man has never dated a white woman. He may come from an area where he grew up with mostly other blacks and initially wasn't too trusting of you as a white person. My mate's friend told him he did not approve of us. He had a change of heart finally and wrote me a letter from seg recently that began "beloved sister in law". My mate laughed at that.

. . . There are a lot of other guys, find another pen pal who doesn't tell you right off that you are not good enough to get too close because you are not the right color for him.
I don't know about that. I mean j-girl, true, you could wind up choosing another man from the penpals who's profile and picture look so good that your insides scream I'VE GOT TO HAVE HIM!! Yet, from his profile to the day he gets released IT COULD ALL BE A LIE!! But lo and behold the penpal who's life you were lead into WAS HONEST with you. In the other forum he would get much praise and acclaim for that but for some reason the same is not true in this forum.

The right color, :confused: not good enough:confused: -- I don't know about that either because the way I know it there is no such thing as the right color, unless you know something that I won't accept. And as far as being not good enough -- not good enough is not found in the race of a person but in the quality of a person's character. This lady has shown this man nothing but quality and because he was raised by a soulful woman, there's no way he can deny seeing and feeling that quality. jleigh -- it's okay that it wasn't an instant connection because instant, meaning quick fast and in a hurry, IS ALSO A RED FLAG -- A HUGE ONE. You and your friend didn't move instantly, but slowly and it's over a slower pace that things have time to simmer, sink in and take effect.

Why the sudden change :confused: everyone asks. Many women here are in sudden change relationships -- Prison is the breeding spot of sudden change relationships.

Personally, I don't think the change was sudden, I think it was gradual, and that it began the day he received your first letter. I believe from that moment change was starting to happen in him and that as time passed and because of what happened with the girls he hollared at, the change of your unrelenting presence is helping to bring him out of a place where he'd previously been. That place being called "closed-minded."

I've come to the conclusion that everybody don't know what hatred and racist truly is because those terms are used as loosely as the words "friend" and "I love you."

I would still be very hesitant to marry someone who admitted prejudice against me. My brother once told me that a man on the inside will say just about anything to have contact with the outside world. To keep you around is to his benefit. Be careful.

yikes!!! sounds "fishy"

To be totally honest it sounds like game to me. Be careful it's very easy to become a victim.

I Originally Posted by HeSoHandsome
don't know about that. I mean j-girl, true, you could wind up choosing another man from the penpals who's profile and picture look so good that your insides scream I'VE GOT TO HAVE HIM!! Yet, from his profile to the day he gets released IT COULD ALL BE A LIE!! But lo and behold the penpal who's life you were lead into WAS HONEST with you. In the other forum he would get much praise and acclaim for that but for some reason the same is not true in this forum.

The right color, :confused: not good enough:confused: -- I don't know about that either because the way I know it there is no such thing as the right color, unless you know something that I won't accept. And as far as being not good enough -- not good enough is not found in the race of a person but in the quality of a person's character. This lady has shown this man nothing but quality and because he was raised by a soulful woman, there's no way he can deny seeing and feeling that quality. jleigh -- it's okay that it wasn't an instant connection because instant, meaning quick fast and in a hurry, IS ALSO A RED FLAG -- A HUGE ONE. You and your friend didn't move instantly, but slowly and it's over a slower pace that things have time to simmer, sink in and take effect.

Why the sudden change :confused: everyone asks. Many women here are in sudden change relationships -- Prison is the breeding spot of sudden change relationships.

Personally, I don't think the change was sudden, I think it was gradual, and that it began the day he received your first letter. I believe from that moment change was starting to happen in him and that as time passed and because of what happened with the girls he hollared at, the change of your unrelenting presence is helping to bring him out of a place where he'd previously been. That place being called "closed-minded."

I've come to the conclusion that everybody don't know what hatred and racist truly is because those terms are used as loosely as the words "friend" and "I love you."


hesohandsome:
I've read many responses of yours on many threads and I always feel what u got to say. You said a lot.. it was real, detailed, and thought out. I would never choose a man on how good he looks, im looking for the content of his character. I cant say that I understand the black struggle, myself being an Italian American, but I understood his take on the whole situation of the dedication to his people, to this day I tell him that if he chooses to stick to that dedication I will still love him the same.
I wanna say thank you ... for visiting the "interracial dating" threads.. especially not being in a interracial realationship and providing great freedback to us women ...with a different perspective on things.

YAY!! HESOHANDSOME!!! I'm glad I sided with you!

Wow, she closed her account -- I wonder what happened? :confused: jleigh010, if you look in or have changed your screen name, holla at a girl because I'm interested to know what's goin on with you. :confused:

Sweetie as the others have already said tread lightly and with caution - and remember alot of men say things just to get somewhere and then when they get home it is a different story NOT saying that ALL men are like that but there are some bad ones.. Just be safe Good luck sweetie

well i mean i would still give it some more time and see if he is really real about you changing his mind about his morals. I mean it can happen but just be cautious. I mean you met him through a pen pal site you dont really know him. there are alot of conartist that like to use women. Not saying he is one or finding love on pen pal sites cant happen but just to think you need to just take it slow.

I am closing this thread as the originator is no longer active