i know this is a repetative question, but out of all the books i have read, of all the talkshows i have watched, i have never gotten a clear answer from the VICTIMS of domestic violence to the question:

why do you stay?

i have heard the authors of books give their reasoning, the hosts and guest psychologists of daytime shows give their reasoning, but i have rarely heard from the victim why s/he stays in domestic violence situations, especially when they are still IN the situation.

so why is it that people who are abused stay? is it because of fear, or love, or hopeless/helplessness?

if anyone here is still in their relationship, then why do you stay? has he been incarcerated because of his violence? has it been against you? are you going to continue to stay, or leave him, if he hits you again? what makes you think he will change?

i hope these questions don't offend anyone, if they do, then by all means don't answer them, and please ignore the thread! but to those who don't mind answering, please do.

i have never been abused before (i WAS pushed one time but never again) like so many people out there in the world, and like so many others, i really do wonder why people stay when they are being abused.

i don't know if i narrowed down the questions well enough (i have a ton), but i hope i did without being offensive.

Well...I can't answer for everyone but, I know in my situation I stayed because I was scared. The guy I was with that was abusive...it was like he had me brainwashed or something...but, he always said if I tried to leave he'd kill me (& I believed him)...so I stayed. But...one day he literally almost killed me & I *knew* I had to get away from him (& quick) so, I finally went & pressed charges against him.

So...in a nutshell...I stayed because I was literally scared he would kill me.

I stayed because I was afraid he would kill me if I left. I didn't have anyone to protect me, or look out for me. What else was I supposed to do? I didn't know how to reach out to anyone to help me, I was too ashamed. In the back of my head I thought maybe I deserved it anyway.

In my previous abusive relationship, where the episodes of physical violence were very limited, (it was more mental), I stayed because I knew he was a good man that wasn't prone to being abusive, it was just the drugs(I found out after I fell in love that he had a drug problem.) When he was clean he was a prince. Unlike sel and whiskey, i was never scared of him. But after my ex (relationship only lasted a year), I will not tolerate a man even raising my voice to me. So I came out the better person.

In my relationship with my ex, I stayed because I was scared. He controlled nearly everything I did. He threatened me and my family. And even when I tried to leave but I couldn't. I figured he'd change, but I learned the hard way they don't. He needed up going to jail for a short time, that's when I finally got away.

Part of it is a sense of need..the you need me to be a whole person.Love.Fear of the unknown.What will the community think? And it takes admitting that your life isn't the perfect little play you put on every day...from a daughter's point of view.

thanks ladies.

it's sort of "odd" and sort of "good" that no one said, "because i thought he would change". i always seem to think that women aren't scared to leave, but that they think he will change. maybe i get my bias from tv or something, but i'm happy to know that many women don't depend on the "he's going to change" card.

mine was out of fear. I was threatened by his entire family that if i ever left i better watch my back. The first two times he abused me he had the usual "im so sorry baby it will never happen again" line. I fell for it the first time thinking he would change.the second time i was pregnant with my first child, no job, no car, and no where to go. third was the charm. He broke bones and I had a newborn son and i had enough and walked away. it wasnt easy as I was facing jail time for assault with intent to kill or murder. he was asleep and I took out the infamous cast iron frying pan and beaned him across the head with it and left him all alone. It worked out in the good for me as it took 347 stitches to sew his head back up and his family feared me instead of me fearing him. he never called the police on the incident. I was very lucky. at the time I was broken and bleeding and had my precious baby and had to get away.

I knew he would never change, that it would only get worse.

thanks ladies.

it's sort of "odd" and sort of "good" that no one said, "because i thought he would change". i always seem to think that women aren't scared to leave, but that they think he will change. maybe i get my bias from tv or something, but i'm happy to know that many women don't depend on the "he's going to change" card.

Actually, that is why I stuck around- because I thought he would change back to the person he was when he wasn't using. And he did change once he got off the drugs, but I am no longer with him.

Well in the very beginning of the relationship most of these guys---and gals are not abusive toward their partners. It begins gradually, with first mental. They make you feel like you are not worth anything, that no one else would have you, that you would never make it in the world with out them. Then the physical abusive starts, (as if the mental wasn't enough). If you get "out of line" they need to get a grip on you quick to keep you where they want you. There response "Baby, I would never have done anything like that but YOU made me so mad, etc. YOU knew how to push my buttons. They always seem to turn the table to make it appear that it is your fault. It was something that you did that created this. If you had only been better etc. It takes a strong person to leave an abusive relationship.

If you have a friend of family member in an abusive relationship, don't EVER critisize them or say "I would do this" because until you have walked in those shoes who knows what you would do. Be very supportive and just let them know, they have a way out.

It can happen to anyone!!! Don't ever say that it will not happen to you, those were my exact words. I was afraid if I filed a protection order against him that would make it worse. At least I finally had enough will power to get out!

One thing, the abuse whether it is mental or phsyical will only get WORSE. All of the beggings and pleadings of I love you and I promise it will never happen again, are tossed out the window when the anger sets in.

I pray that if there is anyone out there in this situation, that I have been able to touch them in some way and they have the ability to get out before it is too late.
If I can help any of you in any way send me a PM and I will respond.

I have a wonderful loving and caring husband now. I didn't realize that life could be so good.

One of the things that happens, Mrschris, is that it happens just a little bit at a time. Like the frog who stays in the gradually heated water, until it's boiling. It's just one little put-down. Just one little shove. Excuses are made, apologies accepted. A month later it's just a little more, covered with words that sound like it's part of caring about you. The pattern is set. You don't know if it's just a one-time thinng. You think the best.

I stayed because I always hoped it would change eventuallly, I wanted the life I had thought I was getting and I kept waiting for that to happen. Only when I realized it NEVER would (it took a lot of years for me to see that) did I finally have the resolve to leave.

I can say I shared some of the same thoughts as some of you guys...
Never had I imagined that the relationship would turn into HELL...We had a few years of nothing physical..BUT looking back I am aware of little tell tale signs that should have alerted me..But being as to how I was never in a abusive relationship prior..or any relationship prior I didn't know.
Everything was always about him but I ignored that..just thought it was him being him..He didn't want me going anywhere..I chalked that up to him just wanting to spend time with me..NOT...Then it was why do u have to go home..or when there was a family function I noticed I was "asking" or feeling nervous about asking to go CRAZY....
Then before I knew it I was hiding black eyes...
Why I stayed....I thought I was so in love...We had a family (so I thought) And I didn't want to be the "reason" for tearing us apart...Everytime I made an attempt at leaving he would "Talk" me back..70% wanted to stay away but then 30% wanted to go back and that little percentage would take me back...
I didn't think I would really have much of a life without him..and those are things he would feed to me..I eventually started believeing the BS he told me about MYSELF...He made me think that because I had two children at a young age that NO ONE would want me....Boy was he wrong =)...
Eventually I had enough...and there was no turning back...It was a process healing..But you know what..I FOUND me...and I learned to LOVE me...All over Again....
All I can say for those who may be friends/family of someone being abused..Never give up on them..ALWAYS be there...
This was a great question..Thanks for letting me Share!

I always wondered this too as I grew up in this kind of home. My parents had already been together over 8 years when I was born so I didn't see the slow progression of this abuse- I was raised in it. I remember cleaning blood off the walls and floors after their famous fights and taking my mom ice because she wasn't able to get out of bed for days. Us kids would always cry and beg her to leave, sometimes we all did but we always returned. My mom had no self esteem left and we wont even talk about pride as she lost that everytime this man entered the room. She use to tell us we had to stay with dad because without him our family would be torn apart and she couldn't do it alone- when thinking about it she already did do it alone as she was the only one who worked or had money coming in- dad was a little busy getting drunk and trying to date the neighbors wifes. So I guess I have to say in our family my mom stayed because it was a control issue and for some reason she believed they loved each other. Or maybe she knew no other way of life as they married when she was 15. I just know I miss her each and everyday. sam

((((((((((((((((Okie))))))))))))))))
Well she lives in you!!! And just remember (how could u forget) and never ever let anyone mistreat u in ANY form..ALot of times when this happens in families and kids witness it..It becomes a cycle...Don't let it continue...Never let anyone take away your self worth

I've never personally been physically abused,but I've been very close to two people who were terribly abused for years ,one being my grandma.In both cases they stayed for one reason and one reason only,....they were scared to death to leave!Also,in both cases the abuser threatened to kill the whole family if she left.I realize that it probably seems easy to leave,but when someone who's dangerously violent to you makes a threat like that you tend to believe it.At least that's my understanding from my grandma and my friend who experienced this firsthand.So sad!:confused:

I dont think that there is any one answer to your questions, as it is different for each individual. I can only speak about my experiences...
Ive been in two abuse relationships. Both of them were different. I stayed as long as i did for different reasons too.
The first absive relationship was with my childhood sweetheart... the father of my eldest two children. I stayed because i loved him pure and simple. I would always remember the fun and good times that we had with one another and it would briefly erase the bad vibes and times. I used to blame myself for the beatings. I couldnt see any wrong in him at all. It became normal to me, even when he almost killed me! :( I eventually got rid of him because he had slept with my so-called bestfrind (no longer my friend). If he hadnt have dne that, who knows where we would be today. I would more than likely be 6 foot under!! :(
The second abusive relationship was about power. He had a very jealous streak with regards to my eldest two children's dad. I stayed because of a mixture of fear and naivity. I always used to try and convince myself that it wouldnt always be that way. He asked me to have his child, so i cnceived our son (my youngest), thinking that he would now realise that i wanted to be with him and only him! How wrong was I? With this relationship, something just snapped inside me. I was determined that i wanted and needed to get out. I was scared of being on my own, but i knew that it was better to be on my own than my children losing their mother because she was either killed or had killed. Eventually i stood up to him, and he realised that he no longer had that control over me anymore and left!

wow ladies the stories are very touching. it is definitely deeper than the eye can see.

i was not in an abusive relationship, but i suppose i can see how a woman would stay. my ex pushed me one time...and i stood up to him and that was that. however, as time went on i saw in his attitude that he was just becoming very negative. when we broke up i was so upset...but now looking back i thank God that we did break up. i do know that he pushes around his girlfriend, because he had that type of attitude.

there are so many answers from my experience i stayed because it was something in me that wouldnt let me leave .. I didnt know that one person could cause that much fear in me that i couldnt come up with a plan to escape. Like most it came to that defining moment that snapped me to reality and i knew i had to take control... I knew if it wasnt for his cousins .. i would have killed him.. That day i got out and never looked back...

Many see those who stay as a sign of weakness and its not that .. Its easier said than done to just get up and leave in a relationship like that. It is even harder for those with children cause you not only worry about yourself but you have to worry about if the outcome is bad what will happen to the children.

As i said before there are so many answers to this questions but all the answers are painful ones .. Good question

This is definitely a question I ask myself everyday!!! In my situation, at forty years old, divorced three years after twenty years of a mentally abusive marriage, I would take physical abuse over mental abuse...not that we should go through either. I have a fatal illness, two teenagers that have decided to stick with their dad, (his manipulating has continued to work!), have lost both of my parents, also lost lots of my friends thru my nasty divorce, found someone that I truly fell in love with - we had so, so much in common, he is six years younger than I and willing to accept me, with my "baggage" so to speak. He hasn't had things easy either, but he began drinking more often than he should, and this would end up in his abusiveness. The first time was bad, he spent three months in county jail, the second time he violated probation by failing a breathalizer test at an AA meeting...not good! The third time was real bad, he had been real depressed and mixing blood pressure and depression (prescribed) medication with hefty alcohol...and hurt me real bad, even threatening to kill me, he beat me up pretty bad. But from the look in his eyes, I knew this wasn't the person I loved beating me up. It was the alcohol that created this monster. I've learned lots about the illness of alcoholism....and so has he, he's had plenty of time to spend reading...He is now in prison for a little over two years. The state attorney was pushing for eight years, they decided on three, his 85 % time brings it down to October 2008. I just wish the court system would offer help, instead of prison. He is a wonderful person! No other violations or charges on his background. I love him to death. And, no, most people don't understand. I don't know if I would had I not been through this experience...anyone else with a similar situation? I need all the support I can get !

I stayed because he told me #1 He'd kill me if I left (He had tried to before. In front of my daugther. God through a Security Guard saved my life). #2 If I left I'd never be able to have a relationship. He'd kill me and the person. I was so mentally messed up off of this guy that he was telling me this same stuff from jail and I was still scared to leave.

But my angel came and showed me adifferent life and helped me introduce myself to God and now we are getting married. So there is hope. We just have to love ourselves and get from under the mental grasp. I am in counseling b/c I refuse to bring this baggage into my new marriage. It helps a lot and I recommend it to anyone who may have been a victim of DV. It opened my heart and mind to so much.

No matter what he/she says, their abuse of you is not your fault.

I would take physical abuse over mental abuse...not that we should go through either.
I got both, regularly & I preferred (not that I wanted either, but I think you all know what I mean) the mental to the physical. The mental, I learned to hear what he said, but not listen to it.

Like most, I was afraid he'd hurt me, or my family if I left. When I finally did leave, it drug out & as I was gathering everything to pursue a Restraining Order, he all of a sudden left me alone. Not long after, he went to jail for a few months & I haven't heard from him since.

I was in a physically abusive relationship and when he threatened to hospitalize me for a very long time I knew it was time to leave before he killed me. Later I was married for over 20 years and there wa alot of mental and emotional abuse. My dr. told me I needed to change my life (I'd had Bell's palsy twice, shingles and a physical breakdown all brought on by stress). There are no "bruises" from this kind of abuse, but you continue to carry the "scars". With my current husband I find sometimes I react in the same old way and he has to remind me he's not my ex (thank heavens for that!). I do have to admit that someof the baggage I carry even today came from and abusive childhood, but I will overcome.

Oh, why did I stay in that marriage so long? I felt I was trapped...partially because I was afraid his mother would abscond with my sons and I wouldn't have the money to find them. I didn't leave until my kids were in there teens and then when I left the state, my younger son came to live with me. He tells me all the time he's so glad he came to me. He doesn't want to be like his father. I have told both my sons they are NOT to treat their wives, girlfriends, significant others or whomever they are in a relationship with as they saw their father treat me or I will be after them!!! We have a few other policies like no drugs or I will kill them so there's no chance of overdoses. And no children until they are married at least nine months. So far, so good and they are both in their twenties now! Hopefully the cycle of abuse has stopped with my sons.

I have never been abused, but I do have a question based on my experience with a couple of different people, if anyone wants to answer this.

I had 2 friends who were in abusive relationships. One was beat up by her boyfriend. He tried to leave her many times. She would beg him back, block the door when he tried to leave, etc. She didn't do anything that showed she was scared of him.

Then I had another friend who would get hit by her boyfriend, come to my house and start calling shelters, telling me she was scared of him. But when I would go to her house, she would yell at him all the time, demand he give her money, or go to the store and get her something. I mean, she was screaming at the guy! Neither one of these women seemed a bit scared of the men. If I was scared of someone, I surely would not be screaming in their face or blocking the door when they tried to leave.

I know alot of posts have said that some of you stayed out of fear. But what about the people who aren't scared? What's that about?

Sometimes people like the drama. I know I rarely yelled at mines. I didn't even want to be in the same room with him. I would be in the bedroom with one TV and he would be in the living room with the other one and the Playstation smashing up the controllers when he lost.

People that don't seem scared could be frontin cause you are there and they know he won't do anything with people around. Some people act in front of their friends how they wish they could act when they are alone. I wouldn't downplay (not that you did) the seriousness of their situations though because each abusive story is different. Maybe your friend pays for yelling at him once you leave.

Honestly, I stayed because I was so used to him. He was really my first love and we knew each other, inside and out. I had that traumatic bonding thing going on with him too, if you know anything about that. We also had the greatest times together, minus the horrible amounts of violence that he used against me (it was that cycle thing).
He was like my drug, if you know anything about addictions. I was addicted to him and I would leave him all the time, but somehow always found myself missing him and getting jealous of what he was doing, so I'd always accept him back. Not to mention that he is a master manipulator and a liar, but I always allowed his nice kind words to flow directly to the heart.
Another thing that I figured out about myself and why I stayed is because growing up, my father was very verbal, you could say emotionally abusive. He would yell and yell, so I somehow was able to take that in and become tolerant of the nagging and complaining, name calling, etc. from my abusive ex.
Me and my ex also had 2 children and I have some sort of loyalty issues, I'm very very loyal. I think that is because my parents have been and still are together, 35+ years, and both their parents were together 50+ years and going. So it was really hard for me to move beyond and face the fact that our childrens' parents are not going to be together.
Another thing worth mentioning is I believed that he would change. He'd promise me that he would and especially after the abuse and I believed him. I had done so much for me and him to be together, given up friends, allowed him to control me, the whole nine yards, so I always thought he'd change.
I also think that I had low self esteem and low self worth or something. I don't think that my parents taught me enough about relationships and life because I thought it was acceptable for what he was doing to me, that I was the woman, the property. My parents also have a very horrible relationship, so that probably was internalized also.
Hope that helps!! Took me alot of books and actually sitting back and waking up to reality! We were on and off for 9 years, minus the years that he's done in prison. No, I will not get back with him and I'm literally scared of him. I also realized that I have felt sorry for him also, (for some very strange reason!).. I have also diagnosed him, which is sad, them dang psychology classes. But he has ADHD, in which he never knew and agrees with me. He has anger issues concerning his mother (like stated in that book men that hate women), and I have always been the motherly figure to him, ,taking care of him, etc. etc. He is a very angry person and I have realized that also. Plus, I think that he has MPD or could possibly be schzophrenic because he totally changes into another person (literally). I can't be with him because he has done way too much to me and I don't think I could ever forgive him for his violence. I also tried to take him back last year and his violence was so much worse. He is also institutionalized to the fullest from doing large amounts of time and he can't function on the outside.

The reason is different for each person. It is mainly all about power and control. You ever leave b#tch I will kill you, your dog/cat, family, etc. It is so many things. Could be Fear, economic dependency, sense of hopelessness/helplessness, emotional attachment, social pressure etc.

mine was out of fear. I was threatened by his entire family that if i ever left i better watch my back. The first two times he abused me he had the usual "im so sorry baby it will never happen again" line. I fell for it the first time thinking he would change.the second time i was pregnant with my first child, no job, no car, and no where to go. third was the charm. He broke bones and I had a newborn son and i had enough and walked away. it wasnt easy as I was facing jail time for assault with intent to kill or murder. he was asleep and I took out the infamous cast iron frying pan and beaned him across the head with it and left him all alone. It worked out in the good for me as it took 347 stitches to sew his head back up and his family feared me instead of me fearing him. he never called the police on the incident. I was very lucky. at the time I was broken and bleeding and had my precious baby and had to get away.

Wow, Jamie, that is quite a story, and i'm so glad you didn't end up doing time for that as so many abused women do. I'm really full of respect for the way you got out of that and even with a small baby. You're an inspiration.

In the beginning, I stayed because I had hope he would change. Not because he showed me he may one day change, but because I held onto the memory of how we first me, when we were 17, before it got complicated, constantly working to get that back, when eventually realizing painfully, I never would.

After awhile, I stayed because I was too weak to leave. Although knowing in my mind it would never get better, that he really had a problem, I got sucked up in this whirl-wind cycle that I couldn't break free of. It reached a point where the physical no longer hurt anymore, because I was hurting so bad inside. Feeling ashamed, not just because of how he'd make me feel, but because I was choosing to stay with a man who had no remorse for beating my ass in the middle of the street in front of other people who were just watching, someone who would laugh and giggle while he told me he wasn't trying to kill me when he choked me, he just wanted me to sleep for awhile, someone who looked over the pictures the police took of a busted lip, flushed red face, blue and black bruises all over the body, and tell me it's not bad, someone who I had just helped get out of jail time sit in my face and say to me, "Alright, this time, I'll admit, I beat your ass." I was ashamed, sick with myself, and didn't know how to break free from him. When I was ready to leave, he would never let me be, and then he'd play the game of not wanting me, knowing it would hurt me, so then I would feel like I still wanted him. I suffered everyday wondering why I just couldn't leave, why I would deal with 95% of the day to be filled with bad times just for 5% of the good.

Also, fear. Fear of the unknown. I gave up all my friends, re-located for him, changed schools for him, gave up the way i was used to living for him, I didn't know what I'd do with my life without him. At the time, I figured it was better to be with him and unhappy than to be alone.

At the moment, I thank God for him being locked up and that he understand the seriousness of a protective order now. Unfortunatley, forcing was the only way we were going to break apart. I won't lie, I'm sometimes scared that when he is released he'll try and contact me and I'll give in, but I'm working everyday toward making sure I'm strong enough to never think of giving in, as well as praying to God he gets out and never wants anything to do with me again.

It is so easy to think you might react a certain way. There are a lot of reasons I stayed with my ex for 10 years. I thought he would change, I didn't know there was more out there for me. I loved him before I loved myself. It is a vicious cycle. I never thought I would stay, but we don't allways know who we are untill we are tested.

I was in a violent relationship for 8 years before i ha the courage to leave but during the time together i was affraid to leave for fear of more violence and he told me he would kill me and he was capable of doing so,also victims of violence become weak minded almost unable to think clearly and make decisions because with the physical abuse is usually the humiliating mental abuse on how dumb you are.The man i was with never went to prison as people on the outside thought we had the perfectly happy life as i was very ashamed of what was happening.

Wow, those are really tough questions.
I am in an abusive relationship. Today is our 1st anniversary, He is locked up awaiting a revocation hearing, He was arrested on a blue warrent after he was picked up for an assault charge against me.
Over the last year he has made my life hell. The first time was the day before we got married, He found a pic on my phone, it wasnt my pic, but it was on my phone, it was from way before i met him and he snapped, that was the first slap, later, he was sorry, he just couldnt deal with me having a life before him, After that, it got worse, I allowed it, always taking him back.
Why did i stay, fear, lonliness, not wanting him with another woman, (which he was anyway) you name it i stayed for all the reasons that we do.
Im still with him,, why? Good question, its obvious that he doesnt love me, or cant love me the way that he should, but at times i see a side of him that keeps me hoping,,,, Not all men or women that are abusive stay abusive, some actually do change, will mine, I doubt it, its in his blood, sad to say. Whats even sadder is that i sit here and write this and know that i should leave but cant.
If you have never been in an abusive relationsip you cant truely know how it feels, and i get so tired of the"why are you still there, leave him" "I would never." Never say never cuz karma has a way of making you eat crow all the time.
He was raised in an abusive relationship, he saw his father beat his mother and then turn on the kids, he was beat severly,,, that doesnt excuse him but it does make sense,
Do i want out? I want the abuse to stop,,,, I want the loving man that he can be all the time,,,,,, will i leave? I dont want to be a victim,,,,, but love blinds you and although my head says, thats not love,, my heart wont let go just yet....
Im sorry if you all think im sappy and dumb, but i know im not the only one who feels like that, just the one that is brave enough to admit that i have a problem and still love my abuser.

You are not the only one. I stayed with mine too, and kept taking him back time after time. And the abuse just kept getting worse. And yes, there were times, especially in the beginning when I was so happy. He was wonderful. I thought he really loved me. Treated me wonderful. That is what I clung to. I wanted that back. I wanted him back. I loved him so much, and yes I will always love him. He is in my heart and soul. But....I couldn't take it anymore. I had to leave him. I realized that the man I thought I was in love with was no longer the same man. I don't even know if he was ever really that man, or was that just smoke, to get me where he wanted me and to control me. I had to leave to save myself. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life! I still miss him, but I'm not sure if what I miss was for real. It's hard to imagine.

I stay with Tony because I see so much hurt inside of him. I know he had a crappy childhood and his mother was abusive to him. He was locked up at 15 for 2 years...and his mother just abandoned him.

I stay because I know I'm not the only person he is mean to. I'm not the only person he has hit....in fact every beating I ever took was over my roomate who was living off of me and I was to nice to kick him out. Not that that's an excuse for him to have hurt me like he did, but I admit to not defusing the situations that occurred and I had every chance to do so.

I stay with him because I love him (yeah, I know you all have heard it before), and because I have seen a side of him that no one else has seen....I've seen this very tough man cry and pour out his heart about how much he has been hurt and he has told me so much that no one else has ever known about him.

Although I know that there's a chance he's going to get out and hurt me again....I think that being in jail has taught him a lesson that will keep him from doing what he did to me before. Plus, if he gets out and lays one hand on me.....he's either gonna end up dead or in jail again and he knows it.

I'm confused and I don't know what to do, but I know myself...and if I don't give him one more chance I will spend the rest of my life wondering if he was telling me the truth in all his letters and through all his phone calls. I just know that I can't turn my back on him because everyone else in his life has over what he did to me. He's in jail and his family disowned him and I am the only person he has left who cares at all.

Maybe I'm stupid for hoping for the best, but Tony is the type of person who treasures loyalty above all else and I am loyal to him, so I think when he gets out he will be different.:confused:

Plus, if he gets out and lays one hand on me.....he's either gonna end up dead or in jail again and he knows it.

PLease consider that those same options are very much the same outcomes you will face also if it happens again

Maybe I'm stupid for hoping for the best, but Tony is the type of person who treasures loyalty above all else and I am loyal to him, so I think when he gets out he will be different.:confused:[/quote]

Definately not stupid, but will have to say very naive . Please dont call yourself stupid as yoru self worth is the only possible thing that can save you at this point and for your own sake really think about the definition of loyalty and what it is and what it means to you thoughts a nd hope to you

I stay with Tony because I see so much hurt inside of him. I know he had a crappy childhood and his mother was abusive to him. He was locked up at 15 for 2 years...and his mother just abandoned him.

I stay because I know I'm not the only person he is mean to. I'm not the only person he has hit....in fact every beating I ever took was over my roomate who was living off of me and I was to nice to kick him out. Not that that's an excuse for him to have hurt me like he did, but I admit to not defusing the situations that occurred and I had every chance to do so.

I stay with him because I love him (yeah, I know you all have heard it before), and because I have seen a side of him that no one else has seen....I've seen this very tough man cry and pour out his heart about how much he has been hurt and he has told me so much that no one else has ever known about him.

Although I know that there's a chance he's going to get out and hurt me again....I think that being in jail has taught him a lesson that will keep him from doing what he did to me before. Plus, if he gets out and lays one hand on me.....he's either gonna end up dead or in jail again and he knows it.

I'm confused and I don't know what to do, but I know myself...and if I don't give him one more chance I will spend the rest of my life wondering if he was telling me the truth in all his letters and through all his phone calls. I just know that I can't turn my back on him because everyone else in his life has over what he did to me. He's in jail and his family disowned him and I am the only person he has left who cares at all.

Maybe I'm stupid for hoping for the best, but Tony is the type of person who treasures loyalty above all else and I am loyal to him, so I think when he gets out he will be different.:confused:
I almost saw myself in this post around a year ago. I bet there alot of women on this board who can relate to the way you are feeling and what you are saying because alot of us have been there. None of us here can tell you what to do but you need to do some deep soul searching while you are trying to hold on.
Is he telling you who you can and cannot talk to? Is he making your loyalty to him so important that you are changing what you are saying and doing to please him? Are you made to feel guilty because he hit you and he is where he is? I could load this post up with questions but I believe you understand where I am coming from.
There are alot of women across this board alot older, wiser, and more educated about this then myself but I can promise you that no amount of love, loyalty or making changes about yourself will change the way this man treats you when he gets home. If they want to change you, hurt you or even hit you they will find a reason (even if it is in their own mind) to justify their actions.
I have a hard time in therapy but I have to tell you that talking to someone who has nothing in my past realtionship ( my marriage ) has helped me alot to see the things that weren't normal but I came to accept.
I only wish you peace threw this holiday season and I hope with all my heart things work out for you. sokie

It was a self esteem issue with me. I was young, a single mom, no education, worked a crappy job....I just didn't think I was good enough. At first he came along and was a prince to me, but that wore off. He became more and more abusive, not just physically, but emotionally as well. After five years of being beat down at LEAST once a week, I could take no more, and I left. Was I scared? Hell yeah I was. The last time he bowed up to me, I bowed back. I refused to let him have that power over me anymore. I learned alot from the experience, and I learned never to let another have so much control over me again.

Tony's Baby - you said something that is more important than you know - "Tony values loyalty above all else". I bet he does - as long as it's loyalty going from you to him. But where is his loyalty to you? Where is his loyalty to your happiness while he's hitting you?