Welcome to the D & A Safe Harbor Garden :)

A place to vent, to make friends, to find support.

A place to 'let your sails down'-

Dock in the harbor here, and find a garden free from judgements, free from the rough and rolling waters...a garden where you can take time to smell the flowers, relax, and be with those who know and understand your situation!

Welcome! Kick off your shoes, grab some herbal tea, and be yourself! :thumbsup:

Hi all!As the new moderator for the Drug and Alcohol Rehab Forums and the Drug War Forums, I welcome you all to our new Safe Harbor Garden! All of us, who love an addict or alcoholic, sometimes feel we need to find a place where we can receive understanding for what we are faced with on a daily basis. That is exactly why this garden is here! What is new with everyone?I am still waiting on a habeas hearing for hubby to be re-filed, its aggravating but what else is new...LOL. We have only been waiting since May 2004...the last continuance was used up, so now we wait for the attorney to refile. At least the sun is shining today- but we are expecting storms most of the weekend !

Eternal,

Thanks again for creating the Garden.

Well I went to see him after almost two weeks of no communications.

I still can't believe how selfish this man can be. In the past two weeks, my life has been so bad. I almost die due to an allergic reaction, my youngest daughter broke her wrist and there was some damage done to the car after a tire tread hit it. And all he was concerned about was why I hadn't sent some money for his basic needs and why I hadn't visited.

I understand, they have all day to wonder what's going on. And to think about everything and we are their only communication to life outside. But I would have like at least one, how are you holding up, baby? Did I get that? No instead, I got "I could walk away right now and you would not have to worry about me ever again. Would that make your life easier?" I LOVE THE Guilt! NOT!!!!!

Just venting here

Sheesh, you have had it rough my friend, and I know you did not need the added attempt at a guilt trip! I would write him a letter and tell him hey its rough out here too, its not all peachy just because we are not inside! He needs to get out of the "all about him" mode of thinking...ya know they do this sometimes, but heck you would expect a more loving reaction to what you have been through!!! Hang in there, today maybe the day to bang our heads and say WTF...( love that siggy :p)

Hey we almost through with the week and nothing bad has happened. "knocking on wood".

So tell me WTF is wrong with me. Last year I used to write him everyday, sometimes twice. Now it's hard to write once a week.

Yeah I know it's because of his attitude and everything he's put me through, so why the hell does it feel so wrong?

Gotta love those addicts!!!

You know sometimes I write and don't mail them until I have about three, oops I am guilty as charged. He doesn't write as much either but our calls are great. ( He started the once a week thing, then I backed off too, got busy and really slacked off-- I am bad!! :p ) Yep we do love them, even in the trials they put us through. I do not go an hour without him crossing my mind, but sometimes I cannot put what I should into writing. And this too shall pass...

Holly, my dear friend. You have done wonders with this forum!! I don't love an addict, but my daughter does. The pain and agony that the whole family has been through has been horrible, but those of you loving an addict know all to well what I am talking about.

My daughter's boyfriend (if you can call him that as he lives in the world of "me, my and more") is also the father of my beautiful grandson. The guy just got out of rehab. Was there for 30 days and it was basically to keep from going back to prison. He wasn't even home and he was on the phone ranting and raving because my daughter was out paying bills and not here to get his phone call. She actually took my cell phone with her in case he called. I gave him the number and he called back saying he couldn't get through to her. Well there were no missed calls so I am assuming that he didn't have the number right. He immediately thought she was out messing around. For as long as I have known him he has always had an ego that is unbelievable. He will be 30 next month, she is 20 and she gets no help financially from him with the baby. He just went to work, and it will last until he gets his butt chewed for something, then he won't go back. It's a pattern he has had since he got out in March of 2005. I could go on and on about his ways but I just get angry. To watch my daughter go through all of this time and time again is heart breaking to say the least. He is one of those that knows how to use the system. How else can he get arrested for 2 battery's (while he is on probation) and get one dropped if he pleads guilty to simple assault? No jail time, just a $300 fine. They are staying with her dad for the time being and she has to sleep on the couch with the baby in the same room as she is so he can sleep since he has to work. I have never raised my daughter to put up with this garbage and I pray that with his anger issues she wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than the unhappiness she is living now. You can see it in her face, there is always a sadness in her eyes that wasn't there before he came into her life, and now she has to deal with his bs and she has a baby boy to raise.
Thanks for letting me pop in here to vent!!

Patti

Patti dear, welcome to the Safe Harbor Garden!
As a mother, and a grandmother, for you, I am certain that this situation has continued to escalate into more and more of a catch 22. You are in the position where you want to give your daughter love and emotional support, and of course help watch over your wonderful grandson! You were placed in a position inadvertantly to have to choose whether to chance losing your daughter, or taking them in. I do not think there are many mom's out there who would have done any differently than you have. My concerns however, are in the fact that this father of your daughter's child seems to have no desire to improve his lot in life ( a common thing with addicts) as you said- the 'me - my - mine' mindset. This is what addicts do. They will go to any lengths to manipulate not only the system if they can, but everyone they come in contact with. They are in fact a believer of their own lies, and this is why they are able to pull this off for such a long time. They may calm down for a bit, work, something goes wrong and they quit work( again it is because something went against their controlling nature, or they were unable to continue using, or they get fired for lack of work) but it is a never ending cycle UNTIL they really have hit their rock bottom. By continuing to get 'breaks' in the system, no way has this guy come close to rock bottom. As long as he has a place to stay, as long as he has your daughter, you, her father, and that beautiful child- he is exercising a certain amount of control over you all. Granted, you have put your foot down to him and I applaud you for that!!!! It is such a stressful situation to watch your daughter throwing herself and her son away for this man who may in fact never change! Not to mention her son, who deserves a father - not, a time bomb. I hope as little one grows more and more that your daughter will come to realize that she and the baby will be much better off away from this guy. Babies deserve a calm atmosphere, not one with bickering and constant battles over small issues, explosive rages, etc, much less drugs! His drug of choice is a master demon, it IS first in his life, and 30 days is really not long enough to make any change since he does not want to change yet, he was forced into this rehab by the system. MY hopes are that your daughter gives him an ultimatum and tells him she will not continue on with any of this abuse, emotional as well as explosive rages,( who knows when or if they will turn to physical violence! ?) around her son and herself. Tell him to ship up and go voluntarily to a rehab and make a change or lose his child, and her. She is young, but - there comes a point where you finally realize you and your child are better off alone without a man that with one who behaves like this and you are in constant stress. Try to gather as much co-dependent information you can for her to read. If she begins to understand the pattern she is in, perhaps she will better be able to open her eyes. Time is ticking here ... as baby is growing and soon he will have memories of this. If daughter's bf does not help support her financially and his child he really is not contributing a thing to the relationship. He will simply find another place where he can live free and continue to do his thing - moving whenever or wherever he has to. She need not worry about him, he will survive for a while. I really am so sorry this is happening and wish there was an easy end to make this better fast, but there is not. ((((((Patti))))))) you will always find understanding and support here...feel free to join us anytime. This why we are here!!!