View Full Version : How In the heck do you handle the stress?


az-tears
07-22-2003, 06:05 PM
Handle such stress?
His Step father has forbiden me to even mention my son name in the house. My son has always treated him with such respect considering Jim his real true dad.
On fathers day my son sent Jim a great fathers day card and thanking him for always putting up with him and for always trying to set morals for him, and was truely sorry for what he had did, asked him to please forgive him and if he would come and visit him?
Tell this day my husband never even mention the card or letter just read it and threw it away. My son always looks for him as soon as he walks into the visiting room with such a big smile until he relizes its just mom again! his eyes turn so sad with tears in the way walking over to me as he just stares at the floor. I try to hug him to assure him his dad just needs time to digest all this.
Mom cant he even reply to my letter I spilled out my heart to him and told him how sorry I was and I am doing my time like a man for my mistake.
My husband wont even try to talk with me about it, I told him he might feel alittle better to get it off his chest. Jim just mumble thats enough of this I will not waste my time with any of this. And he just stays in the family room while I sit in my computer room never to speak another word. I feel I have lost my family over this!:confused:

Barbara
07-22-2003, 06:51 PM
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this kind of treatment. Your husband is a very lucky man, I would not think twice about leaving my husband in a heart beat if he treated my son or myself like this. You must have the patience of Job, my hat is off to you. Love Barbara

JJH
07-22-2003, 06:55 PM
I think this behavior is a defense and that alot of men handle stress and emotions like this. Look away and it will go away. My son's situation has caused many many bad days around my house too. How can it not? Things do get better with time. Hang in there.

JoshsGirl2003
07-23-2003, 10:03 AM
That is really sad that he is acting like this. I am sorry you are put in the middle of the situation, but you should be allowed to talk about your own son in your house. I don't know what kind of advice to offer you but am sorry you have to go through this.

Cessie
07-23-2003, 10:19 AM
My husband is the step dad, and our situation is the same. I as the Mom go this alone. I do go to a counsellor because I really have no one to talk about this issue. When I read your story, I cried. Having a child incarcerated is bad enough. Having no support at home leaves a lot of lonliness.

Cessie

toi_ama
07-23-2003, 10:40 AM
Let me tell you something-----my husband (now passed on) was my daughter's step-father but he loved and forgave and solidly supported her all through her prison time. It's because of that that she was able to come out here and be as successful as she is. She worshipped the ground he walked on and he loved her as truly his own child. The man you're married to doesn't love you or your son in any true sense of the word. Men who turn their backs on step-kids and wives at a time like this are a shame on the term "parent". I don't make any excuses for them and hope you won't either. Bless you for sticking by your son, and please try to help him understand that there are many who pay only lip service to the term "love" but have no capacity for it and no idea what it really means. I'm glad you have this forum where you can find support and I wish your son were able to get some support here, too. All that's accomplished by the attitude your husband has is that he's making your son feel like the lowest of the low and not worth the effort of trying to do good things and move on past this mistake he made. Only by unconditionally loving someone do we help them to bring out the best in themselves and do the best things they're capable of. I'm sorry to be harsh, but this is just horribly cruel what your husband is doing to you and your son.

az-tears
07-23-2003, 03:37 PM
Thank you so much I thought it was just me! My son and I Did just fine before my husband came into our lives! And I know we can do it again. I was hoping my husband would come around I have been praying for a miracle someway. But I am just fooling myself.
My husband only brother was in prison for 20 yrs just got out in MAY of this year! But my husband stopped talking to his own mother because she worried about her other son in prison! I have been with my husband for 10 long yrs. not once have I meant his mother or brother!

Barbara
07-23-2003, 04:47 PM
That is really to bad about not getting to know his mother and brother. Why don't you just pick up the phone and give them a call. I am a really up front lady and that is what I would do, maybe his brother could really use the support we give here at PTO. Love Barbara

FriscoLady
07-23-2003, 05:47 PM
az-tears,

I have to admit that I am angry with your husband, please forgive me, and maybe I don't have a right to be, but I am.

I have to admit I was lucky - my Dad is the only reason that I am fighting so hard for my freedom. After my conviction I was ready to do the time and then get on with life.

But, he is the one who loved me enough to kick me in the proverbial arse and put the fighting spirit back in me. He has supported me ever since and rallyed our family to this fight for my freedom! I will WIN!

I know that you are fighting hard to support your son and help him face this time of fire and trial, he is in. Believe me I know what you are dealing with and admire your strength

From personal experience as a single mother who raised a son and two daughters pretty much alone, I know how much your son looks up to his step father.

I was lucky my Dad stepped in when my ex could not be my son's example. Jim - my son - calls his Grandfather Dad, because he earned that respect.

I know this hurts your son terribly, just be there for him, as you have.

I thought of your son today at work, I was listening to a country song about a man remembering his Father, his Father did teach him to be a loving, caring Dad. Unfortunately he set the example of the kind of father not to be. But the son took it to heart and became a good "Dad" not just Father to his own children.

I am sorry that your son has to learn this lesson this way. But, I see that YOU are your son's strength and guidance, God Bless you!

Call your Mother-in-law and your husband's Brother.

Barbara is right, maybe PTO could be a support to him, and maybe, just maybe, your husband's brother may turn out to be a support for your son - for - it seems - he has walked the very path your son now walks.

Please forgive me if I overstepped my bounds.

Patti

JDay
07-23-2003, 06:04 PM
I just hate when step-parents put us in the position of having to choose between them and our children. You would think they could figure out that if we had children before we married them, we're sure going to have those same children afterward as well! I'm glad you're in counselling...and hope that you can find a little peace that way. How sad for your son that he can't reach the man he thinks of as his father - but in the long run, it's sadder still for the man who is shutting out the child. Sounds like a very lonely future for him.

az-tears
07-23-2003, 10:27 PM
Please all P.T.O members never be sorry for telling me how you feel about things up front, sure maybe I dont want to hear somethings, but I must face the facts!
I can tell you all honestly without all of you here on PTO I'm not sure where I would be today? Heaven or Hell? with out this support!
I called his mother who lives in Texas 5 yrs ago too ask her why her son( my husband)never talks or writes her not even on mothers day! she said I would need to talk to him about it, I told her he wouldn't! she said she was sorry but he would have to tell me! His brother wrote us about 8 yrs ago while in prison in California I found the letter in the trash! IT asked his brother to write him and if he could send some money for stamps and things! I wrote him and sent $80 told him he was in my prayers but please dont tell his brother I wrote or sent any money because I wasn't meant to read his letter! He never wrote back or ever told my husband I just hate it when family's pull's apart , My family is the same way also! When my son was born I told him that day he would always have my support from this day forward! IT'S ME AND YOU BABE AGAINST THE WORLD:
when I have my own family they would always grow together and stay together! I am trying so hard for that, but I am so scared I am losing that ,and I hate myself for letting it! BUT no one will ever break the bond between my son and I, NOT prison and for Darn sure not any man!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FriscoLady
07-24-2003, 03:57 AM
God Bless, you and your son, az,

I have not spoken of her in awhile here at PTO, but, I have a niece who is also incarcerated. I stll send her money when I can and always will. But, my family did let the injustice and prison system separate us. I am going to write her again - and try to bring - at least - her and I back together.

You are a strong woman and, never, never, doubt, that YOU are the example your son will follow in life. YOUR strength, courage, and love will sustain both of you and show him what it is to be a strong, couragous, and loving man.

Patti

D/ND
07-24-2003, 07:38 PM
your post also angered me, but you know..i have to tell you..they just don't think like we do..they are from mars in every sense of the word. i can't use caps today, cause i broke my shifting finger at work the other night..you'll have to forgive me..didn't want to go to all caps..cause of the flames, ya know lol

my husband refuses to go to any of the stuff with me and the kid..always has..but he is there to talk to him afterwards. i am so torked off at him tonight, though..he was sposed to go to a restorative justice thing with us..the kid did some stupid burglaries with some other 13 year old boys..stole pop and candy..some change..so did he show up..no he didn't ..and i am calling in to the clinic tomorrow to talk to my son's psychologist..i can't take this bull any more. either he is here for us or he's out of here..it's been 26 years of this bs..and i don't deserve a bit of it.

hope things start going better for you soon..and i hope you find someone to talk to..we need to talk..we're from venus.

lesleyslady
07-24-2003, 08:41 PM
This is a very sad deal! I'm so sorry for you and your son. The two of you have enough to deal with without trying to keep the hubby/dad happy. I wouldn't care what that men had to say, if I wanted to talk about my son, I would do so at any time, to any one. I guess this is his way of dealing with things. But they just don't go away because we don't talk about them. It sounds like this man is just extra weight on your shoulders that you don't need right now. I believe your son will be just fine. After all, he has you, a loving mother! I feel a time like this should be a time to bring you and your husband even closer. I'm afraid if this hasn't done it, nothing will. So sorry, don't take no crap! You have enough crap as it is! I will keep you and your son in my prayers!!!

marlin0314
07-26-2003, 01:45 AM
AZ, I am from AZ also and as you know, we already live in hell (the heat :) ) Just kidding! Trying to make you smile. I believe in your heart that you already have and know the answer. You and your son have made it this far alone, and you have been alone. He hasn't changed for his mother or brother, so I really don't think that he will change for you or your son. Your son will be fine, he will be hurt, but he has you! You will be fine because you have us and your son! So now you just have to decide if you would like to live with a man who can't feel love and forgiveness. No matter what you decide we will be here for you. I just wish that we could make he see what he is missing in you and your son!

paw79
07-26-2003, 06:54 PM
This must be a common thing with man . My husband my sons stepfather also will not visit him in jail either. I really can't say to munch this is the first time he has refused to do something. He has gone to all of sons drug rehab counseling sessions when my son was during drugs. He always took one day a week off to go see my son when he was away at court ordered boot camp when he was 18. Has helped me clean out his apartment and I can talk to him anytime I want about my son. It just that he is refusing to go visit him in jail which I think he needs to do although I am not pushing to hard at this point cause I really do think it is a man thing. Pam

az-tears
08-15-2003, 08:49 AM
I know its bad to lesson to other peoples phone calls, But yesterday I had a message on the answering machine.
But really my husband didnt pick up before the machine and it recorded him and my mothers conversation!
Yes I did I lesson to it, now I wish I never did! MY dearest mother telling my husband he should stop me from going to visit my son all together because thats whats bringing me down. And if he needed her help to have me checked into a hospital she would stand 100% behide him!
Is this crazy or what? I have not told my husband what I heard .I cant belive my own mother would do this, then again its just like her too. If she cant support me then stay away from me.

Barbara
08-15-2003, 08:59 AM
Well this is really scary; I would get an attorney immediately. There are laws in some states that say a family member can put you in a hospital for you own good. I am not trying to scare you, you just need to know what you legal rights are. Get an attorney and find out!. Love Barbara

az-tears
08-15-2003, 09:01 AM
I know its bad to listen to other peoples phone calls, But yesterday I had a message on the answering machine.
But really my husband didnt pick up before the machine and it recorded him and my mothers conversation!
Yes I did I listen to it, now I wish I never did! MY dearest mother telling my husband he should stop me from going to visit my son all together because that is bringing me down.or causing my depression, And if he needed her help to have me checked into a hospital she would stand behide him 100%!
Is this crazy or what? I have not told my husband what I heard .I cant belive my own mother would do this, then again its just like her too. If she cant support me then stay away from me.

az-tears
08-15-2003, 09:02 AM
see I am so upset that I am posting like a mad woman!

LadyDi
08-15-2003, 09:22 AM
Oh AZ my heart breaks for you. Seeing your son in prison is enough to bring a mother down, that's a given. What I think is really bringing you down is your husband not so much your son. He sounds like an emotional devoid person. He also sounds like a person trapped in bitterness & unforgiveness. The two most cancerous conditions a soul can have. Has he always been like this?

I AGREE WITH BSS!! YOUR LAST POST SCARED ME. FIND OUT WHAT YOUR RIGHTS ARE. I also wouldn't be trusting your mother or your husband. These are only my thoughts.

samiam158
08-15-2003, 10:33 AM
I agree with ladydi....my husband is the same way....and the other night i told him i got prisoncall....and he freaked out...my son is in kansas and im in florida...the only communication i have is the phone and letters....I told him and my daughter also that ....i hate what chris has done but i love him....(chris has done bad things ever since adolesence...) but what really hurts me is that they make me feel guilty for loving him....and have alot of "shoulds" so guess what????now I'm on here.....I have people who are probably listening....and even if they are not....Its almost like journaling....which is something i did when chris was a teenager........i have a large support group with girlfirends but even they have sometimes said...."if he were mine"....and that just ain't right....
try to save the hubby a little money and he freaks..wonder what he'd do if i asked for a divorce....hummmmm....i think i'd get a little more that $40 a month....
stay strong and talk here....my depression is lifting and this is a good thing

Jerry'sMom
08-15-2003, 01:31 PM
I don't want to psychoanalyze your situation but has it occurred to you that maybe your husband has some issues of his mother dedicating herself to his brother in prison? I mean, think about it. His mother was being there for his brother and perhaps he felt, for lack of a better word, neglected. And from his stand point, he was the son who was keeping his nose clean and Mom was directing all of her energy toward the one who she felt needed her most, the son in prison. And he has become hardened to those in prison and doesn't feel they should be supported because of his feeling of being neglected.

Anyway, just a thought. If you feel comfortable confronting him and asking if he'd consider talking with someone professional, it may be a start not only to save your marriage but also to free him from what appears to be a long time of hell.

He's not acting normal in that it's human nature to love and feel for those who love you. But he doesn't seem to.

az-tears
08-15-2003, 04:39 PM
I have asked him to go with me to talk to a professional, he says he has no problems and dont need to talk to anyone about his life and why the people around him are screwed up.
I have delt with it for 12 years only because I promised myself I would never divorce like my parents once I got married it would be forever tell death like my vow's read!
WHAT IN THE hell was I thinking thats it ,I wasn't. Just wanted to show my family if you work hard at it your marriage will work. My sister has been married 3 times she is 27 the longest one lasted 2 months I think she just had a thing for the white dress! I dont even need my husbands loving support I have you all here at P.T.O I just wish he wouldnt put a block on the phone and put limits on when I can visit my son. thats all I ask is let me see and talk to him even if only once a month I would even be happy with once every 4 months I just need to here his voice to make sure he is ok, no I just need to hear him. Sorry now I am going to cry and I cant let my husband see me crying again he said he wont have anymore of that , But thankyou all for your support and words!

UP Mary
08-16-2003, 09:50 AM
Geez, AZ, not being supportive is one thing but dictating if and when you can have contact with your own child is another. Next he'll be forbidding you to use the computer and sending you to your room without supper.

Pop psychology is annoying, I know, but one phrase that jumped out at me and made sense was, "People can only take advantage of you if you allow them to." I'd extend "take advantage" to "control"...he can only control your contact with your son if you allow him to.

Why is it that you don't just unblock the phone and for that matter pack a little bag and set off to see your boy? Relationships are always complicated. I realize there are dynamics going on in your house that the rest of us know nothing about. But why do you let your husband decide if you can see the kid or not?

az-tears
08-16-2003, 12:26 PM
Thanks Up mary needed a lift to cheer me up(lol) Dont worry he might block the phone from my son calling ! but he could never stop me from my visit's with my son! Hitch hike I would.
I am stubborn and I must prove my parents wrong that I can make my marrage last . But I never thought it was going to be this hard! when my parents are gone then I'll move on!

janicel
08-16-2003, 01:28 PM
AZ SORRY TO HEAR ALL THIS , I KNOW IF THIS WAS ME I WOULD NEVER STOP SEEING OR TALKING TO MY SON UNLESS HE WANTED IT, MY HUSBAND TELLS ME THAT WHEN ITS TIME TO GOAND SEE MY SON I START GETTING CRAZY HE DOESNT UNSTAND IM ALREADY THERE, WE START TO FIGHT FROM THE MIN WE GET IN THE CAR TOTHE MIN WE GET TO SEE MY SON WHICH IS 6 HRS AWAY , HE ALSO TELLS ME THAT AFTER I GET OFF THIS SITE IM MORE NUTS WITH ALL THE STORYS THAT I READ, TO BAD FOR HIM I LOVE THIS PLACE I HAVE PEOPLE TO TALK TO AND UNDERSTAND BECAUSE WE ARE ALL TOGETHER, SO HANG IN THERE , GOD BLESS JANICE

toi_ama
08-16-2003, 01:43 PM
Marriage is a two way street, and what you and your husband have isn't what marriage is supposed to be. You aren't obligated to tolerate abuse, and he is emotionally abusing you. Honoring marriage vows goes both ways. He's not behaving at all honorably.

I'd detour your mother, too, after seeing she's not behind you or her grandson. I've got a mom like that and I had to drop contact with her many years ago for my own sake. I forgive her for everything because I had to deal with that to stay sober, but I can't let myself get drawn back into her world.

kathyb
08-18-2003, 03:34 AM
WOW!! Your story sounds just like mine! My new husband (the step dad) gets very upset when I try and talk about my son. He says he is sick of seeing my son hurt me, which I know he means that but the fact that he does not talk to me about any of the things I go through with my son hurts too. My ex-husband (my sons real father), refuses to have anything to do with our son. The poor kid they only one he has is me. He put his step dad on his visiting list and always ask about him, it is so hard. As far as his real dad that is even harder. How do they expect them to get the help they need if they are not willing to forgive them and love them? They made mistakes, we all have, they deserve to be loved no matter what they have done. I am praying that God gives my husband and ex-husband the heart to forgive, I will pray the same for you and your family.

Love,
kathyb

az-tears
08-18-2003, 06:40 AM
Thanks Kathy,
I feel when the biological fathers choose to stay out of there child's life as my son he was very angry its just too bad its the mothers who have to deal with it for the rest of their lives. My son loves his stepfather tells his friends Jim is his real dad. But I am afraid my son thinks now, Jim has abandoned him also! Now I am trying to deal with this too. Wish my son would realize a mothers love is the same as two. Guess thats why he takes all his anger out on me to!

Retired-5
08-18-2003, 07:16 AM
maybe THAT'S why Spirit gave me this full beard, so i can be both father and mother!! that's what i used to tell my kids when they were little. on Father's day i would get a mofather's day card! they still do it!!

Az,
my heart breaks for you and i sure do hope you take some of the advice here and find out what your rights are. i would be scared sh-----less. i know what meddlers can do.

az-tears
08-18-2003, 06:49 PM
Thanks hippie Mama,
I alway take all the advice I can! because If I cant find the answers I know someone here can:idea:

FriscoLady
08-18-2003, 07:38 PM
AZ,

I have to Thank you for your thread, you in this thread have brought two lives back together. As I told you in an earlier post here, that I was going to try to reestablish contact with with my niece. I could feel your heartache, and I felt mine for Holly. She has answered both my letter and Linda's. And she says she wants to keep in contact this time.

Thank you, and God Bless you and yours,

Patti

az-tears
08-18-2003, 07:54 PM
See God said their is alway a purpose for things that happen in our life! then its a blessing I am so happy for you Patty,Linda and Holly! you just made me get goose bumps (lol} god bless you and your family, your in my prayers everyday!!!

ALWAYS PATTY
what a great name:yes:

Barbara
08-18-2003, 08:58 PM
That is just wonderful Patti, I know how much this means to all of you. Love Barb

kellil
08-18-2003, 10:18 PM
You know, I am so glad to find I am not alone in this. My "husband" seems to think I should just turn josh away. He refuses to see Josh for what he is a wonderful young man who is bright artticulate, kind talented and very handsome who has problems just like everyone else. He may make bad choices but that doesnt mean he is a bad person. He is very respectful and loves us all very much. This is one of the biggest wedges between us. And hopefully by the time Josh comes home this time, I wont be living here anymore so he can finally live with me again. Stand by your son he needs to know he has someone who cares!!! Unconditionally.

Good luck,
Kelli

az-tears
08-19-2003, 08:05 AM
Damn, thanks Kelli but sorry your going though it to but for awhile I felt like I was the only person putting up or put through this maybe together we can come up with some answers to at least get us through it or support I KNOW we have that!:yes: thanks Patty