You know what's weird about loving an addict, is you feel so damn guilty about making the right choices. And do you know why we feel so guilty, because it's what we haven't done before.

We have let them manipulate us. We've let them steal from us. We've let them put us into debt. We've given them 3rd and 4th chances. We've let them cheat on us. We've put our lives aside trying to save their lives. We've lost who we are for them.

So when we finally put our foots down, we feel guilty. Not because we don't deserve to put our foots down, but because we feel as if we're betraying them. But all along we have been betraying ourselves for them.

It's weird how we can care for everyone else, but the moment we start caring for ourselves we feel guilty.

Just some thoughts

You have described 'co-dependency'. The weird part is when you actually start realizing that our behaviour is not normal. That is a good thing to realize. There is often more than just the addict who is sick, more than not there is a loved one who is sick with co-dependency. We allow ourselves to get sick with it and the addict needs us to be sick with it in order to manipulate us.

p.s. I think your siggy says it all :)

Witchlinblue,

You are so right on this one. Co-dependency is as much of an addiction as the drugs our partners use. They say the first sign is recognizing any addiction. We must first heal ourselves in order to help them heal themselves.

Thanks on the siggy :)

Amen to both of you!!! Being a co-dependant is sometimes very hard to see for those of us who are one... ( it is a way of life for many, until they realize what is going on) but it is so true that it is an addiction as well. When we do "wake up", we can truly begin to help our loved ones the right way after we understand and help ourselves!

Since we're on the subject of co-dependency which I am definitely. Did you know there is a whole 12 step program for co-dependency. My therapist told me about it and I google and found this great site.

http://www.coda.org/codameet.html

Hope this helps any one.

Loving the addict is hard but loving yourself is harder to do..

It's because time and time again we hear, "It's a disease" and you wouldn't abandon him if he had cancer would you? That's what makes me feel guilty and makes me stay.

Oh you are so right about the 'guilt disease' blurb. Its a great trap for anyone with a good heart. However what we all have to keep in mind is there is a big difference between someone having a disease like cancer and a disease like addiction. Often with many diseases our lives can be in the hands of the medical profession. With addiction its the addict who makes the steps towards 'remission' !!
I have felt the guilt of the 'disease' card, and I should know better since Ive battled and won the same 'disease' and found my own remission, though not a cure.
That guilt is an easy trap to get into but all our talking about it is what will give us all strength and knowledge to make the right decisions. Im so glad that so many of us can talk so freely about our fears, the guilt, and the heartbreak as well as exchanging experiences. It will give us all strength and some of the support we need. Thank God for PTO and the members who share all of these feelings. Its what keeps many from feeling alone in this forum. GROUP HUG !!!!!!!!!

ACK I HATE THAT WORD, co dependecy thats just nassy LOL sorry had to vent!

I have been that way for years but come to realize that I can do things and not feel guilty, etc. and I love myself more when my addict actually says damn its about time, even though she tried to get me to do this and that a week before, its the tough love co dependcy issue.

Have any of you ever felt like no matter what they do or what they say, you just can't see yourself without them in your life somehow?

OMG, CAN A SISTER GET AN "AMEN?" I TOTALLY FEEL YOU ON THIS ONE. MY BOYFRIEND IS IN JAIL NOW & JUST MIGHT BE GOING UP THE ROAD (TO PRISON) (FOR A VERY LONG TIME) FOR A WARRENT THAT WAS TAKEN PLACE YEARS AGO (BACK WHEN HE WAS 18-- HE IS 26 NOW... YOU DO THE MATH). I AM SCARED TO DEATH THAT HE WILL END UP THERE. I HAVE HEARD WHAT PRISON IS LIKE & HOW THEY TREAT YOU THERE. I AM WORRIED THAT IF HE ENDS UP THERE, THAT HE WILL END UP BEING "SOMEONE'S BITCH" (GETTING RAPED, IN OTHER WORDS)--- AND GUYS, THIS IS NOT FUNNY. HE IS A DRUG ADDICT AND WAS BEFORE WE EVEN MET. FUNNY THING IS, WE WERE BOTH GETTING HIGH (ON ECSTASY) THE NIGHT WE MET. THEN WE FELL IN LOVE & WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER EVER SINCE. I CAN'T SAY I BLAME HIM FOR MY DRUG USE. HE DID NOT FORCE THE DRUGS ON ME-- I CHOSE TO DO THEM. I WAS JUST AS GUILTY AS HE WAS. WE GOT HOOKED (REAL BAD) ON COCAINE. IT JUST GOT WORSE, TO WHERE HE WAS PAWNING EVERY LITTLE THING WE HAD AND DID I TRY TO STOP HIM? NO. I LET HIM DO IT. I DID NOT PREVENT IT. HE EVEN PAWNED SOME OF MY STUFF. DID I YELL AT HIM AND SAY, "ARE YOU CRAZY? I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU PAWN MY CAMERA?" NO. I WANTED MY FIX, AS WELL, SO YEAH, I LET HIM DO IT. I LET HIM TALK TO ME & CALL ME ALL KIND OF NAMES. I TOOK IT & WHEN HE APOLOGISED, I ACCEPTED HIS APOLOGY. WHEN HE WENT OFF WITH HIS FRIENDS AND WOULD COME BACK HOME AT LATE HOURS, DID I CONFRONT HIM? SOMETIMES, YES, BUT HE DIDN'T CHANGE IT. WHEN HE CHEATED ON ME, DID I HAVE MY STUFF PACKED WHEN HE ARRIVED? NO. I TOOK HIM BACK AND GAVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE. I LET HIM CONTROL ME. I LET HIM MANIPULATE ME... LIE TO ME, MAKE FUN OF ME, TALK BAD ABOUT ME TO OTHERS, ETC. WHEN YOU LOVE AN ADDICT, YOU WILL DO ANYTHING FOR HIM OR HER, JUST TO MAKE THEM HAPPY. SO, READING YOUR POST ALMOST BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES B/C I REALIZED THAT THERE ARE OTHERS OUT THERE WHO FEEL WHAT I FEEL & WHO DESERVE A LOT BETTER.

Hightek669,

Oh I can definitely relate, yesterday I was in a store he worked at three years ago. One of the managers asked if I had seen or heard from him. When I told him where he was, she asked if I was his room mate. When I told her at the time I was his girlfriend, she had that stupid shock look on her face. I'm still finding things out and I still don't know where to stand with him.

As with any disease, we all must take the necessary steps to either heal ourselves or give up. Unfortunately many addicts just give up. It's not that their hearts aren't ready, it's the mind. They see no other way to numb the pain or to get that great feeling.

I still feel guilty after 3 years of dealing with his disease. But like you when I stand up to him, he does say it's about time. Once when he was in DOC last year he made a list of things pros and cons on me. The first thing was I give into him, no matter what, just to make him happy. It's that damn nuturing and guilt in me.

And I am very grateful I found PTO. Without you guys I would have been so lost!!!

Guilt is a common tool used by others to obtain their own desires. To learn to distinguish the truth of guilt will give you a freedom to act upon your own behalf.

False guilt continues an enabling pattern and can convince you in various ways, somehow, YOU are responsible for an addict’s behavior. False guilt accuses: You weren't strong enough or You were too strong, You weren't loving enough or You were too loving, You allowed or You didn't allow. The accusations are never-ending.

False guilt receives strength from the fact you are searching for a rational, logical explanation to the irrational, illogical behavior of a drug addict.

The two forms of guilt: Genuine guilt--that is when we violate man's law or one's moral belief. False guilt comes from misconceptions of feelings, emotions that are totally messed up or illogical, and causes a person to actually feel guilty without committing any type of violation.

The addict is a master manipulator of false guilt. His unfounded accusations suggest your guilt. A blameless addict holds the right to continue his drug use. He is always able and willing to lay blame on somebody else. Sadly, many pick up that burden because he won't. The victim then feels a need to carry that weight or burden. This false guilt then becomes an overwhelming feeling that has no definable reason. This pressing sense of guilt can slowly destroy your well being.

Realize false guilt is a method of deception and can keep us from taking a stand to better our life. Freedom of false guilt begins with TRUST. We must learn to trust ourselves and to the trust the truth.

False guilt will produce fleeting unfounded, illogical feelings of self-blame for another's actions.

Actual or true guilt is obvious and hard to run from. We are not in a drug induced state of mind, so we know when we are guilty. With all my heart, I believe we have the ability to know and understand without a doubt when we do something wrong.

Freeing yourself from deceptive false guilt is an enlightening experience. It is necessary to rid yourself of this type of guilt to make good, sound decisions for a better life. We must learn to trust ourselves.

You know what's weird about loving an addict, is you feel so damn guilty about making the right choices. And do you know why we feel so guilty, because it's what we haven't done before.

We have let them manipulate us. We've let them steal from us. We've let them put us into debt. We've given them 3rd and 4th chances. We've let them cheat on us. We've put our lives aside trying to save their lives. We've lost who we are for them.

So when we finally put our foots down, we feel guilty. Not because we don't deserve to put our foots down, but because we feel as if we're betraying them. But all along we have been betraying ourselves for them.

It's weird how we can care for everyone else, but the moment we start caring for ourselves we feel guilty.

Just some thoughts

You know what you said is so true. I dont want to do this anymore. I just dont know how to do anything else anymore. Its killing me.

I feel guilt every damn day for getting mad at her that day and telling her to leave me alone and not call me, if I wouldn't have done that she wouldn't be in jail in the first damn place. She tells me its not my fault and to stop feeling guilty but deep down inside I truly regret doing that, she would have never been beaten (broken ribs,etc) by her ex boyfriend and sure as hell not gang raped by him and his sorry ass friends. What I would give to take it back.

Kellil,

I know how you feel. My best advice is to take baby steps. It seems we loose ourselves in caring for them. I actually had to sit down and take a couple of days last month and figure I what I did before he came along. I even surprise myself with what I came up with. Think of everything you use to enjoy, mine were reading, raquetball, riding bikes with my girls and just hanging out with my kids.

Start off small. But hang in there and if you need anything pm me.

I feel guilt every damn day for getting mad at her that day and telling her to leave me alone and not call me, if I wouldn't have done that she wouldn't be in jail in the first damn place. She tells me its not my fault and to stop feeling guilty but deep down inside I truly regret doing that, she would have never been beaten (broken ribs,etc) by her ex boyfriend and sure as hell not gang raped by him and his sorry ass friends. What I would give to take it back.

You can not feel guilty for this one. She put herself in that situation. She understood your rules and choose her addiction over you. It was her decision. Granted the outcome was not what either of you would wish on your worse enemy. But there is some type of risk, everytime an addict goes to get their fix. I'm so sorry her ex-boyfriend did those things to her and I hope she is pressing charges against them. But you DID NOT do this to her. You were only looking after your best interest "YOU". I know how hard it is to put your foot down and you should be proud of yourself for finding the courage to speak up. Yes you can feel remorse for what happen to her, but please do not feel as if you did this to her, and by feeling guilty that is what you are doing.

If you need anything, please do not hesitate to pm, write me or just ask!

Do we continue to support them and pick up the pieces everytime they realize they have done wrong....which is usually when they are in JAIL...then when they get out........... they seem to forget about stayig sober for months at a time and all the promises and hopes they had for themselves while they were "Locked Up"
When should enough be enough?
When do they actually get clean. I feel like if i give up now, what if he really means it this time. He has no family, burned most of his bridges with others. Why should i keep supporting him after all the LIES, and horrible things that he has done? Keep thinking and praying he will get back to who i loved, does that ever happen though? I have seen him self destruct over four years and it get worse with each passing year and incarceration. He is lucky to be alive honestly.

Thoughts anyone? :rolleyes:

BBG I know I can't feel guilty and you are right, she even told me this but sheesh deep down it hurts ya know.

Honestly I dont know if they ever get clean I mean they can be sober for years but you can't take away the urges and wants for the drug/booze.

Do we continue to support them and pick up the pieces everytime they realize they have done wrong....which is usually when they are in JAIL...then when they get out........... they seem to forget about stayig sober for months at a time and all the promises and hopes they had for themselves while they were "Locked Up"
When should enough be enough?
When do they actually get clean. I feel like if i give up now, what if he really means it this time. He has no family, burned most of his bridges with others. Why should i keep supporting him after all the LIES, and horrible things that he has done? Keep thinking and praying he will get back to who i loved, does that ever happen though? I have seen him self destruct over four years and it get worse with each passing year and incarceration. He is lucky to be alive honestly.

Thoughts anyone? :rolleyes:




We do it until we finally figure out that WE Cant SAVE Them but We can SAVE ourselfs!! Sometimes they never get back to the person that we loved at one point. Are you sure that you what you feel is Love and not Pity for him cause everyone turned their back on him. I wish you the best. I have not been with my ex in like 6 years but when it was first over if felt like the world had been lifted off my shoulders but I did find myself with someone alot like my ex it took a couple years to get it right... leaving him.. I wish you the best..

Do we continue to support them and pick up the pieces everytime they realize they have done wrong....which is usually when they are in JAIL...then when they get out........... they seem to forget about stayig sober for months at a time and all the promises and hopes they had for themselves while they were "Locked Up"
When should enough be enough?
When do they actually get clean. I feel like if i give up now, what if he really means it this time. He has no family, burned most of his bridges with others. Why should i keep supporting him after all the LIES, and horrible things that he has done? Keep thinking and praying he will get back to who i loved, does that ever happen though? I have seen him self destruct over four years and it get worse with each passing year and incarceration. He is lucky to be alive honestly.

Thoughts anyone? :rolleyes:

I don't know when we give up. I think just like them we all have our "Rock Bottom". I'm probably near mine. Like you I have been in this a little over 3 years. And every letter, visit or phone call from him. I'm right there wanting to believe so bad in someone who has disappointed me time and time again. Also like you he has no one. My therapist always ask me "Is this your fault, he has no one". The answer is always a simple one, "NO", it's not my fault, it's not your fault. It's their fault for all their lies and conning, no one wants to be around them.

So when do we hit rock bottom, I don't know.

BBG I know I can't feel guilty and you are right, she even told me this but sheesh deep down it hurts ya know.

Honestly I dont know if they ever get clean I mean they can be sober for years but you can't take away the urges and wants for the drug/booze.

Please hang in there. I know it hurts deep down and everytime you feel that, remember the worst didn't happen and you're there now.

I remember when he use to go out. Every single time he would get pulled over or stopped by the police, I would wake up screaming his name at the same moment. He would come home and before he'd even get in the door, I would ask if he was okay and what happened. He would stand there in shock looking at me. Then he would tell me. I was able to save him from alot of things, the one thing we can't save them from or prevent them from is themselves. I think it's the one thing we really want to do and we can't and that's why we feel guilty. It's always, if we had or maybe we didn't. I'm learning to change that to if they had or if they didn't. And maybe that's the attitude we need to get.

I'm always here.

hi i have a son which is father billy is in hagerstown maryland jail which he has put us though everything you name it he has done know as afather he wants to try to do right so i am so confused do or don't i let him back in drugs i don't want around the kids so really how do you move on or do u wait for him

I have spent so many years picking up the peices for Jeffrey everytime he falls I really dont know how to do anything else. I can say the words "I cant save him" but to feel that, to know that. Thats something I dont know how to do. It is so hard because he would be the perfect man for me without the drugs. And he was out, clean and living with me building a life for a year this time. Thats what makes it so hard. With his prison time, he was actually clean for 3 years this time so WTF????????

I know the feeling, when they are clean and sober.... no drugs they start to go back to that person you fell in love with and you start having all kinds of HOPE again that you may be able to have REAL life with them. I hate that part because i always get so excited and then it doens't happen and i say to myself "why did i beleive it again?" I could have other people in my life that would treat me and my son they way we deserve to be treated...but do i love them like i love the other? NOPE, will i ever be able to move on with out him and be HAPPY or will i always go through the motions thinking to myself "I wish i was with charles?"
It's all so damn frustrating!!! Maybe i am sacred to actually have REAL HONEST GOODNESS around me...i think deep down inside i may think i don't deserve it...so i hold onto something that is not definite!!! I am so rambling now so i will go...had to get it out!
SO LOVE THIS PLACE!!! THANKS FOR READING!!

I truly understand what you mean. The problem is, they have to want to HELP themselves, before any changes can happen. No matter how much we love them, loving them cannot change them :( Years and years I watched my now husband 'escape' by using alcohol and drugs ( using drugs in my presence or home was not done, had to put my foot down there, for my son's sake) and he finally hit HIS rock bottom...currently serving a life sentence for an incident that occurred during a struggle when he and the other party were both drinking. He and I were apart at that time, but I had never stopped loving him. Looking back, I should have tried to get him into rehab, instead of walking away at all; it may have saved him from what he is facing now. One of the best ways to stop the addictive behavior is for them to totally drop all current acquaintances, avoid old neighborhoods, anything and everything concerning their addiction. You may want to attend some AA meetings or NA meetings yourselves, it can help you with codependency as well as give you some extra knowledge. Hugs!

I picked up the pieces for him so many times as well. His parents have too. I am his last sense of hope for a normal life. But does that give him the right to destroy not only his life as well as my children and mine. I used think this was all because I wasn't strong enough to make him see how good life could really be. I have since come to the conclusion, addicts are very selfish people. They will con, blame and point the finger at anyone just so they can get their next fix. This is where the guilt comes in at least for me.

How many times do we take them back, knowing it won't last long? I can't answer that for anyone, not even myself. We all have different thresholds. We have different wants and needs. Some of us are stronger than others.

It's weird loving an addict. You can't explain any of the things we do to just the average person, they will never understand. You can logic it out in your mind all the time, but when you tell someone else they look at you as if you have lost your mind.

I have found to love an addict, you must first and foremost trust your heart and listen to your gut instincts. If it's not adding up, then it never will. Second, you have to let them fall. And not just a little all the way. Mine changes his wants everytime I see him now. I don't let him know that after every visit gets me crying, because I can hear beyond the BS lies and stories. Do I think he has hit rock bottom, not yet. Will he ever, only time will tell. Have I moved on, not yet, but the thought has crossed my mind a thousand times. Why haven't I because I keep remembering the good side of him. The side that makes me laugh and gives me dimples in my knees. The side that picks me up and swings me around in the world largest hug. The side that was always there when I got home from work and no matter what day he had took 20 minutes to find out how my day was. The one who taught my daughter her multiplication table, by spending 2hrs for 2 months sitting down with her. The one who I can beat at gin rummy everytime.

The side that make me run, the feigning, the conning, the stolen stuff from my house, the one who took my car and totalled it. and on and on.. is the one I can't ever live with again.

So how do we choose, I don't have a clue, but I know I can't fix him. Only he can fix him. Only he can want to be fix and until then it's like using school glue on a piece of porcelin that really needs super glue, it will stay fix for a bit but will eventually break again.

Everything that is posted is so true...it's scarey. My family and friends think i am crazy for not moving on....and wonder what in the hell is wrong with me being in love with someone who has so very much BAGGAGE. As we all have our own baggage and demons. It is so hard to explain to people and i have got to the point where i don't even talk about it anymore to anyone.... because they don't understand and try to judge and i can't explain it in a way to make them understand. Sometimes i don't even understand it myself. All i know is what i feel deep in my soul and that is what i go with....i take it day by day...like he does i suppose. I am so gratefull i found this place and forum to read others stories and share my own. However, reading most of the stories .....we all sound alike and i get discouraged becasue it's like there is no hope for them until THEY decide to change.
HUGS TO YOU ALL !!!!

I have been battling with mine for 8 years (4.5 in prison where we met and 3 while he has been out). We were dating when he started to go nuts and he left me to protect me from his ways. He is married now and has a small child, but he always calls me when he needs me. I have tried to go on with my life and have almost succeeded, but just when I do he calls and I let him vent and we talk for a while then he stops. Recently he came running to me and really needed my help, I helped him and for the first time in 8 years we lived together. He drained me and used my resources to get him out of trouble, I thought I could help him. I think he realized his lies were fixing to catch up with him so he left, and I let him. That was 2 weeks ago, he went back to his wife, and just 2 days ago he relapsed and wanted to come back to me. I have not even recovered from 2 weeks of him being gone. I feel so bad that I cannot go and bring him back, but if I do I lose everything that I have been fighting so hard to keep in check. I really think he has a problem, mentally, and I want him in my life, but I do not think that now is a good time. Plus I dislike his wife, she is an enabler, and she will do anything to keep us apart. Not that I am into being a homewrecker, but if he needs me I will always be here for him.

He went to one of his court hearing this morning and I couldn't make again. I feel so bad. The car is in the shop and funds are low so we haven't had any communications except for when I go up there to visit once a week. I feel so bad about not being there for me. I have to bring up that little voice in my head that says how many times did you need him and he wasn't there for you. Again the selfish addict doesn't care how many times they break your heart. As along as their needs are fixed.

So what to do. I think that's one of the great mysteries of life.

I'm trying to move on and like babyincc, everytime I think I can I get a card or letter or message passed through the lines of a mom of a fellow immate and I loose my heart to him all over again.

I cannot believe what I have read here and how true it all is! The GUILT card is a powerful trump card that is used and that "belief" that they are a good person without the addiction is a hard one to walk away from. I had to learn the hard way that another person's bad decisions don't have to effect me. I am the victim of a crime that involved an addict who had relapsed. I tried to stand by him but as someone mentioned, how many times do they have to hock your things, take your money, trade your car for drugs? I kept telling myself that it was the addiction and not him.....talk about denial! It allowed me to rationalize why I was with him even though I knew it was not healthy for me. In the end, everything I did for him backfired and he tried to kill me. Even then he played the addict card with guilt but luckily as he knocked me around, he knocked some sense in me so I knew to get out. Loving an addict is not something people choose to do at first. But after a while you can begin to see the signs of people that are good to be around and those that aren't and if you are smart you start to avoid those that will do you harm and surround yourself with positive people. I hope that everyone here that loves an addict....may you continue to have open hearts but may you always love yourself so as not to sacrifice yourself for another!

Sunshine001,

I am so sorry for all that you have gone through. And I hear what you say. I have been fortunate enough not to have the physical abuse as part of our equation, and maybe that's another reason I use to logic it out. Because he has never been physical with me. But the mental and emotional abuse is the same.

Your right as not to sacrifice yourself for another. Sad thing though is that many of us already have or we would not be here today.

It took me 3 yrs and alot of remembering of what I liked to do. I actually had to think about what I did before he came along. My life had become his. So sad. But stepping back and hearing from other here on PTO and the help of a very good therapist has made me wake up.

Again, do I still love him. I will always love him!!!!

Sunshine001,

I am so sorry for all that you have gone through. And I hear what you say. I have been fortunate enough not to have the physical abuse as part of our equation, and maybe that's another reason I use to logic it out. Because he has never been physical with me. But the mental and emotional abuse is the same.

Your right as not to sacrifice yourself for another. Sad thing though is that many of us already have or we would not be here today.

It took me 3 yrs and alot of remembering of what I liked to do. I actually had to think about what I did before he came along. My life had become his. So sad. But stepping back and hearing from other here on PTO and the help of a very good therapist has made me wake up.

Again, do I still love him. I will always love him!!!!







Loving someone is not suppose to hurt like that. I use to think the more pain the more it meant that I loved him.. Not true.. Just my sick head. We play with the addicts to SAVE them and there is not anything we can do to SAVE them. Just save yourself. Addict know how to reel you back in when they think they have gave you enough rope to taste what life is like without them. It is a good life without them but we more than likely will go back and try to save them.. It has been years sense I had to deal with my kids father in relationship way, Now I just deal with him when he thinks he needs a shoulder to cry on cause he is sick and in the hospital again it is all because of the life he chose to live:mad: Not anything that I did to him. I have to not answer my phone when the numbers come up that could be him. I cant deal with it cause the SICK part of me still thinks that there is help for him but in realty there is not. His drug and drinking has cause brain damage and his inside are a mess all so. I know that he has had at least 1 heart attack and other problems but that does not stop him just gives him more a reason to use.... Please let him be and hit his bottom when people call you about him just tell them that you dont want to know how he is or any message he has to say.. In order to get away you have to be a Witch to them and the ones who want to help him... Sorry I rambled but this is something that I understand well....

I know what you are saying. I've been there. I finally put my foot down and was ready to leave. He had a choice to make, me or the crack. He chose me. He has been clean and sober for 10 months now. It has not been easy, but we did it together. I went to the AA and DRA meetings with him until he knew he could do it on his own. We now run a DRA meeting in MD together. I am keeping it going while he is incarcerated.

It is not an easy road, but if it is the one God has for you, He will give you the strength to see it through.

guilt is a major issue with alot of us in this world, my boo is now starting to realize that I can't always pick up the pieces and that she has to fix things herself, she no longer thinks about putting guilt trips on me or dare she even think about manipulating me. SAFP is gonna be a long hard ride for her and if she can come out of this sober and clean then I can handle it but if she does it just to get out of jail and such I will be here but I wont fix everything.

Billy'sbabygirl, thank you and I am glad that you did not have to endure the physical part of any abuse but sorry about the mental and emotional...that as you said is much easier to rationalize than the physical. My ex boyfriend and I had a good relationship when he was clean but once he relapsed it was crazy. He was alway good to me and then when he started using, even when he would see me he would have guilt and shame and "say all the right things" to keep me there to "help him". He would say that he "NEEDED" me to help him stay clean because I was the only good thing in his life. He had never been violent before but with the other case and his worry about going to prison I think he paniced or something. It was such a shock that I still don't understand it!!! Even though he lied about what he had done, I knew he was facing prison...only 3 years and so I told him I would wait. Did all of that and still almost got killed all because of addiction and his manipulative behavior. If anything, I know that it is hard to love an addict. They can drain the life from you. I just hope that everyone, no matter what choice you make is safe and that their families are safe!

I got a message from VINE this morning. The cases in the city were Nolle Prosequi. I sat at my desk and cried. I cried for so many reasons. As much as I love him, I know I can't have him back in my life. He and I are both safer with him behind the bars. I cried for feeling this away. I cried because his parents didn't show up for court to make sure the charges took. They are the one pressing the charges since he stole their car and broke into their house. I cried because I love him with all my heart and he got off on these charges, I thought what the hell is wrong with you. But I know there is nothing wrong with me feeling this away. I know I am still weak when it comes to him. He's still in jail, and will go to court in Carroll County in two weeks for the B&E on his parents house. I'm scared to death what will happen if they don't show up this time. I can't let him come home, but I can't let him end up on the streets again. It's funny this time last year when he was facing his first set of charges, I was doing everything in my power to get him out. And now I don't want him out. I can't live that life again!!!!

It's weird loving an addict..... always two sides of everything, the good and the bad. The torment and the love.

Billy'sBabyGirl, I am sorry for the way things went in your boyfriend's cases, however the only way he will ever begin to recover is to go ahead and do his time, and be removed from the outside temptations. Has any treatment or rehab been recommended? During this time in prison, I hope he is able to take advantage of some sort of treatment. I know what you mean above, about the two sides of everything- the man you love is not the addict you know. Remember that, and stay strong. He needs help, and you cannot do it for him. When will enough be enough for him? I know how conflicted your feelings are right now, and this is normal. I am always here for you!! Hugs!

Eternal Hope,

He did a stint in a rehab two years ago for 30 days. I keep telling him the only way he can come home, is he must do at least six months. He says he's in the drug treatment program there, but he also got into a fight while in the program. Every time I see him, he's coming up with some way of getting out of his sentence. It's weird a year ago I bailed him out twice. This time, I tell him every time he asks not to even ask. There's no money and I can't do it.

I tell him I am no longer the naive woman he know a year ago. And I have to give him credit, his lies are getting better and better.

I know I have to let him go, for his sake and my own sanity.

But you know it's weird loving an addict, they become your drug of choice (even when you've never had a drug of choice). Just one little taste of them and you're falling all over yourself just to get at them.

I agree, until he is ready to admit he has a problem, he will always be finding a way to try and get out of his sentence. It doesn't sound as though he has hit his 'rock bottom' yet. He is still letting the drug control him,and of course, all he wants is "out of there". If you show him you will no longer put up with this, you will be still loving him, but it is "tough love" you will be showing. If you have not already, read up on codepedency ( many of us have at least some of these traits when we are involved with an alcoholic or addict) I think you are showing signs of coming out of codependency, but it will only help you heal yourself more by reading up on this. I agree, you need to at this point, let him go for your own sanity sake!! Tell him you have had enough, you will not stand by and watch him self destruct. Stay strong! We are here for you!

Eternal Hope,

It's funny since you brought up co-dependency, when he went in this time, I started to see a therapist. Her first thought was depression, which I was. After dealing with him and his addiction for three years, I sanked to an all time low. Which I think most of us in here do. As we started to peel way at me. We found the co-dependency issue. To be honest I would not have come this far without her help.

I must admit this forum has been a part of my therpy in being able to express myself and feelings and not have them critizied!!!

And you're right he hasn't hit rock bottom, but I have. I'm so tired and stressed from him. It's hard letting go.

Thank You ALL!!! ********{BIG HUGS}}}}}.

You are most welcome! I have started a "Safe Harbor Garden" in this forum so we all have a place to share and discuss our feelings and thoughts on everything that is going on, as we help one another through this time in our lives!!!

Co-dependancy, look it up in the dictionary and you will see my picture next to the word. No one could have lived this more than I. I must admit that I have an addiction problem also, and she is my Wife. She is a "crack addict" and has some very severe mental/emotional problems. Right now her biggest problems is that she is in the "system" here in good ole Indiana. She is doing time in a minimum security facility in Madison, IN. I must admit, since she has been off the damn "crack" I see a big change in her. I talk with her several times each day on the phone, we write to each other, and for the past couple of weeks, I have been to visit her each Saturday. She has gotten into the Substance Abuse program that they offer and is attending AA and CA meetings. I know for fact that before her sentencing, she was trying very hard to get off the dope, but she had her days. I know what crack heads do, and I was not going to let her run loose. So I tolerated her use, but only to some degree. At least she was at home and not on the streets, where she had spent so damn many years before I met her. Her and I would go to AA meetings, and for two months we had her in a private rehab facility. Everything was working well, but she still had her legal issues backing her into the corner. Well, those legal issues finally became reality, and that is why she is in prison at this time. I really thought she would give up and give in. But so far she has proven me wrong. She is working, she is praying, she wants a better life than what she had. During our last visit, this Memorial Day it hit me like a ton of bricks.... Damn I married a beautiful woman! She looks so good, she has gained some weight. Her attitude is so different, she looks me directly in the eyes when she talks to me, her tone of voice is so positive, and the things she says are positive. She is now worried about me! What do I do, how is work going, am I eating the right things, have I been to see my mother, do I call my kids (from another marriage), have I been washing the truck and keeping our place clean, have I been feeling OK. These are things I never heard from her before. Something is working... God I do believe has entered into the picture. What really got me the other day was, she called me and I could tell she was crying. She told me; " I have not been a wife to you" but, " I want to be your wife, I want to have a real life with you", "will you please keep helping me get over this when I come home", "will you please stay my husband", "Can we build a real life together" After I stopped crying, my answer to her was "Yes my love"
You see, I have known her heart ever since I first met her! I knew the potental she had, and I do believe that God is now bringing that out in her
Even with all that has happened, all she has been through in her life, I do believe in her with all my heart. I pray everyday 24/7 for her and for us.
So many wonderful things have happened since she was taken away from me. Our worst fears of prison, have deminished, she is now working on the outside, she is in her classes and meetings, she wants a real life, she wants to do better, she wants to find life beyond drugs. Prison is terrible, but sometimes, it works, sometimes it does change, and I really believe that God is at work here, and I will go along with God everytime. I will also continue to support and protect my wife, as a husband is directed to do in the Bible. I would ask that all of you here at PTO help us along with your prayer, as we will do for you also.

God bless you all and your loved one's.

JR

I sat down last night after work and wrote down some of the things that had been bugging me about my boo and co depedency and us both being addicts, seeming we may not use but you are still an addict, addictions just change. I came up with something, I fix my problems before they got bigger and bigger, she didnt fix them and hoped they would fix themselves, now she is sitting in county waiting for transfer to the SAFP program. You ( as in everyone) have to want to fix the problem and work to fix it or it will fester into more problems and become uncontrollable.

Billys Baby, you pretty much said it all. When I got married I already had 2 sons owned a 3 bd. room 2 bath pool home in a nice area, had a vehicle that was paid for, and impeccable credit, and most of all "my pride". My husband and his crack habit left me with all my belongings in storage,a forclosure, a repossesion, a line of harrassing creditors and the worst credit ever. This is really hard to swallow especially when I suffer from OCD and was never even so much as late with a bill! Anyway I also suffered from co-dependency, always thinking I could fix the everything (little did I know). Well his addiction finally landed him in prison for 2 years, which I must admit I was glad, because then I didnt have to watch him destroy himself and wonder all the time. And his charges were also for stealing his parents vehicle, credit cards, etc. They did show up for court, with much to say...That I believe was his rock bottom and he has been out for almost a week now and so far so good. We face many struggles, but his want to succeed is strong and gives me hope where there was none. Even so I will never let my guard down nor will I let an addict rule my life(or my childrens) or be an enabler....I know I wont because all my hurt and anger has turned to strength, that I continue to pray for everyday. JR- I am really happy for you, that is awesome news.. Eternal Hope- Im sure the "Garden" will be therapeutic for many of us , Thank You

I agree with most of you...but let me ask you this question...

do any of you know how many drugs circulate the prisons? its easier to get drugs in prison then on the streets. I know this because my husband went through the crack addiction last year....it was sad and this year he fell again, this time herion. I finally put my foot down and said this is IT! im done. I will support him in anything he does except DRUGS. i refuse to be an enabler. I was for so long paying over 5000 last year in crack debt and I just paid for his herion crap. I am zero tolernece on drugs.
Please always keep an eye on them even being locked up... its everywhere.

My deal is that my boo is going to SAFP in Gatesville, Tx and I know all about the drugs in prison, etc, my half bro filled me in on this. But I do wonder about the SAFP program, is it safe enough?

The SAFP has a lot of good reviews from what I can tell via the net. I suppose part of it is because it is usually an extensive program, lasting more than just a few months. All in all, it does come down to the fact that if the addict WANTS to change, the program will definitely help them. I wish you the best of luck in this, keep us posted as to your boo's progress!

I am so glad I came across this today. I've been with my man since nov. of 2001 and he's been in since nov. of 2004 and the entire relationship has just been one huge roller coster. I got pregnant 2 months before he got locked up. He has been a crack addict ever since I've known him. Now that he is in prison I have learned more & more about all that he did while we were together and I believe he is still using just by how he is when he calls home. I am so glad I came across billys babygirl post "You Know What's Weird About Loving An Addict" because I really needed to read that today. I know that the best thing for myself and my baby girl is to leave him alone. I think that otherwise he will be taking her down the same road he has taken me down. It's a hard decision to make, espically when you love someone so much. I don't want to let go, but I don't see how we can ever have anything as long as he is constantly taking from the house for his own use and leaving the kids and I to struggle. The bad just out weighs the good too much.:broken:

I am so glad I came across this today. I've been with my man since nov. of 2001 and he's been in since nov. of 2004 and the entire relationship has just been one huge roller coster. I got pregnant 2 months before he got locked up. He has been a crack addict ever since I've known him. Now that he is in prison I have learned more & more about all that he did while we were together and I believe he is still using just by how he is when he calls home. I am so glad I came across billys babygirl post "You Know What's Weird About Loving An Addict" because I really needed to read that today. I know that the best thing for myself and my baby girl is to leave him alone. I think that otherwise he will be taking her down the same road he has taken me down. It's a hard decision to make, espically when you love someone so much. I don't want to let go, but I don't see how we can ever have anything as long as he is constantly taking from the house for his own use and leaving the kids and I to struggle. The bad just out weighs the good too much.:broken:


Thank you for sharing this with us!

Eternal ty for posting back, I just dont see if a inmate at the jail can get drugs dont ya think even the ones at SAFP can, ya know what I mean?

You are most welcome! I have started a "Safe Harbor Garden" in this forum so we all have a place to share and discuss our feelings and thoughts on everything that is going on, as we help one another through this time in our lives!!!

Eternal Hope, thank you for the "Garden". I know many of us will be using it. Especially me.

******{HUGS}}}}

Co-dependancy, look it up in the dictionary and you will see my picture next to the word. No one could have lived this more than I. I must admit that I have an addiction problem also, and she is my Wife. She is a "crack addict" and has some very severe mental/emotional problems. Right now her biggest problems is that she is in the "system" here in good ole Indiana. She is doing time in a minimum security facility in Madison, IN. I must admit, since she has been off the damn "crack" I see a big change in her. I talk with her several times each day on the phone, we write to each other, and for the past couple of weeks, I have been to visit her each Saturday. She has gotten into the Substance Abuse program that they offer and is attending AA and CA meetings. I know for fact that before her sentencing, she was trying very hard to get off the dope, but she had her days. I know what crack heads do, and I was not going to let her run loose. So I tolerated her use, but only to some degree. At least she was at home and not on the streets, where she had spent so damn many years before I met her. Her and I would go to AA meetings, and for two months we had her in a private rehab facility. Everything was working well, but she still had her legal issues backing her into the corner. Well, those legal issues finally became reality, and that is why she is in prison at this time. I really thought she would give up and give in. But so far she has proven me wrong. She is working, she is praying, she wants a better life than what she had. During our last visit, this Memorial Day it hit me like a ton of bricks.... Damn I married a beautiful woman! She looks so good, she has gained some weight. Her attitude is so different, she looks me directly in the eyes when she talks to me, her tone of voice is so positive, and the things she says are positive. She is now worried about me! What do I do, how is work going, am I eating the right things, have I been to see my mother, do I call my kids (from another marriage), have I been washing the truck and keeping our place clean, have I been feeling OK. These are things I never heard from her before. Something is working... God I do believe has entered into the picture. What really got me the other day was, she called me and I could tell she was crying. She told me; " I have not been a wife to you" but, " I want to be your wife, I want to have a real life with you", "will you please keep helping me get over this when I come home", "will you please stay my husband", "Can we build a real life together" After I stopped crying, my answer to her was "Yes my love"
You see, I have known her heart ever since I first met her! I knew the potental she had, and I do believe that God is now bringing that out in her
Even with all that has happened, all she has been through in her life, I do believe in her with all my heart. I pray everyday 24/7 for her and for us.
So many wonderful things have happened since she was taken away from me. Our worst fears of prison, have deminished, she is now working on the outside, she is in her classes and meetings, she wants a real life, she wants to do better, she wants to find life beyond drugs. Prison is terrible, but sometimes, it works, sometimes it does change, and I really believe that God is at work here, and I will go along with God everytime. I will also continue to support and protect my wife, as a husband is directed to do in the Bible. I would ask that all of you here at PTO help us along with your prayer, as we will do for you also.

God bless you all and your loved one's.

JR

JR,

I am so happy for you and your wife. I will keep youin my prayers that God will continue to watch over both of you.

Billys Baby, you pretty much said it all. When I got married I already had 2 sons owned a 3 bd. room 2 bath pool home in a nice area, had a vehicle that was paid for, and impeccable credit, and most of all "my pride". My husband and his crack habit left me with all my belongings in storage,a forclosure, a repossesion, a line of harrassing creditors and the worst credit ever. This is really hard to swallow especially when I suffer from OCD and was never even so much as late with a bill! Anyway I also suffered from co-dependency, always thinking I could fix the everything (little did I know). Well his addiction finally landed him in prison for 2 years, which I must admit I was glad, because then I didnt have to watch him destroy himself and wonder all the time. And his charges were also for stealing his parents vehicle, credit cards, etc. They did show up for court, with much to say...That I believe was his rock bottom and he has been out for almost a week now and so far so good. We face many struggles, but his want to succeed is strong and gives me hope where there was none. Even so I will never let my guard down nor will I let an addict rule my life(or my childrens) or be an enabler....I know I wont because all my hurt and anger has turned to strength, that I continue to pray for everyday. JR- I am really happy for you, that is awesome news.. Eternal Hope- Im sure the "Garden" will be therapeutic for many of us , Thank You

Maria3,

You sound just like me. I'm so determine not to let this happen to me and my family again, that I think it's just numbing me from the inside out and killing what feelings I have for him.

I agree with most of you...but let me ask you this question...

do any of you know how many drugs circulate the prisons? its easier to get drugs in prison then on the streets. I know this because my husband went through the crack addiction last year....it was sad and this year he fell again, this time herion. I finally put my foot down and said this is IT! im done. I will support him in anything he does except DRUGS. i refuse to be an enabler. I was for so long paying over 5000 last year in crack debt and I just paid for his herion crap. I am zero tolernece on drugs.
Please always keep an eye on them even being locked up... its everywhere.

Kari05,

Boy do I know about how many drugs are cirulated in the prisons. There are more there than on the streets and in a tighter compound. So they are readily available. The price is much higher. I said him just enough money to get the essentials. It might sound cruel, but I know him all too well. He would go into prison debt if given the opportunity.

I am so glad I came across this today. I've been with my man since nov. of 2001 and he's been in since nov. of 2004 and the entire relationship has just been one huge roller coster. I got pregnant 2 months before he got locked up. He has been a crack addict ever since I've known him. Now that he is in prison I have learned more & more about all that he did while we were together and I believe he is still using just by how he is when he calls home. I am so glad I came across billys babygirl post "You Know What's Weird About Loving An Addict" because I really needed to read that today. I know that the best thing for myself and my baby girl is to leave him alone. I think that otherwise he will be taking her down the same road he has taken me down. It's a hard decision to make, espically when you love someone so much. I don't want to let go, but I don't see how we can ever have anything as long as he is constantly taking from the house for his own use and leaving the kids and I to struggle. The bad just out weighs the good too much.:broken:

Countrygirl,

I'm learning the sometimes the right decisions are the hardest ones to make.

Hang in there and if you need anything.. just holler!! ****{HUGS}}}

BIllys

THanks for sharing. Sadly most women dont believe that their men are in prison doing dope. They deny it and think there is NO drugs in prison. I try to let people know like u said its worse in there then on the streets. My life has been turned upside with it all, and I have come to realize you cant help them unless they want the help. My husband is doing awesome, and after thousands of dollars i paid in crack debts, I AM DONE> and he knows it. I love him to pieces but wont ever put myself through that again. Love or no love, Ill walk away next time.

Have a safe evening.

MonkeyBoi,I know that drugs are available in prison...and they are drug tested as well ( at least where my husband is they are) In the SAFP program, they will also be tested. I pray your love stays clean, and gets the help they deserve. Please keep me posted!

Kario05 - I'm at my last bit of rope with him. I go to visit when I can. It seems this year it's harder for me to drive the hour up there and back. And when I finally have time to visit him, the first 5 minutes we talk about me and my girls and the rest is about him and what he's gonna do when he gets out. I don't believe he's hit rock bottom yet, but I have. And again, if people don't think they can't get drugs on the inside they are just fooling themselves.

Eternal - where he was last year they only did random drug test and only on those they suspected of use.

Billy'sBabyGirl:WOW. I am sorry to hear that they did only very random tests on your man...Then again, I am not shocked. Sigh! It is like they are setting them up to fail. :( Serious need in these prisons for different policies- ah but that is what we call the drug war, right? :angry: Hubby is in Georgia, and at his particular prison they do these random tests weekly or bi-weekly!! Of course those in with addictions are the first ones to be tested... and suspected.

Yup Yup Billy.some Women Are Blind And Denial Themselves About It. Where My Husband Is Also They Never Hardly Pulled Drug Testing. Its Amazing They Say Their Motto (doc) Is To Treat Each Inmate With Respect And Dignity And To Rehibalite Them To Learn How To Leave In Soceity In A Normal Pattern, I Dont See How When The Guards Themselves Are Selling Their Bodies To Inmates For Sex, And Bringing In The Drugs Themselves. It Makes Me Sick And The Day My Husband Walks Out Those Doors I Plan To Turn Them All In And Go Full Force With A Complaint... They Wont Like Me When I Am Done.

Kari

Eternal much thanks for that info I hope she stays clean too and that she stays on her meds there as well!

Kari05,

I want to stress that not all correctional officers are bad. Both my sister and her husband were CO's, and they played by the books. In the same token, I have seen the worse of the CO's where he was at.

I would be extermely careful in turning anyone in. There are gangs in prison.

PLEASE BE CAREFUL!!!

So he writes me this letter on the 4th. Tells me he doesn't want to get bailed out. Tells me he has finally found his higher power, reading these words, I'm flashed back to 2 years ago when he was in the half-way house and we walked around the harbour talking about God. A big part now is saying how long with this last this time.

I'm very spirtual and believe God is always with us. But to use God, well that's just truly hypocritical.

Anyways, the letter was about 50-50 on him and me. So I guess we're making progress.

It's funny just yesterday afternoon my therapist said "He's your drug of choice". You're an addict when it comes to him.

Maybe that's what loving an addict does to you?

Not necessarily whats your therapist said was true, its her job and such and thats how some of them act just my opinion, that is why I stopped going to therapy and learned to deal with alot on my own and boy it did good, but thats just me.

Your an addict only if you allow yourself to be one. Again my opinion as well!

I stay with my boo for many reasons I don't give up on people easily, we have had our separate times apart and it make us grow fonder of each other each time, its called personal space and it does work.

My opinion again lol, don't let anyone tell you what you need to do, use your brain and common sense and ya heart to do what you want in life. I learned this the hard way with 4 of my half siblings being addicts themselves and our mother dealing with it all, she is now free of her kids and taking time to herself.

Billys,

No I dont judge any CO's there are good ones out there this I know. I would never do anything to put my husbands life in danger, once he is gone though like I said I will start protesting and making the policticans more aware of whats going on there. The prison down the road from my husbands is privately owned. when you visit there you are searched and then sent to the dogs...literaly... they search for drugs. they started that about 2 months ago and have caught over 65 people smuggling in drugs. I am so happy. I wish my husband was there. The good thing about this place is even the guards are dog searched. I think its wonderful. My husband spent time there long ago and said if he had to do time it would be there by his choice. I have zero tolerence for drugs, any kinds! My ex husband is now trying to enter a rehab and get this....they told him Cocaine is not a addictive drug......wtf is wrong with these rehabs here? I mean come on. Hes so addicted it burned the septem in his nose. its gone. like one big nostril. I am very supportive of my husband and he knows it and as well as my ex I dont wish nothing bad on him.
My bosses son 22 in the last 4 weeks....stolen cars, money, checks, robbed people, broke in to houses, businesses, all over crack-cocaine. and they say its not addictive.....this kid is such a good kid, I dont even know him now. and it happened so quickly. Sorry for venting Im just so tired of seeing so many people get hurt over drugs. I wish i could help them all, but an addict has to help themselves first. Have a good day everyone
Kari

Wow Kari, they told him cocaine is not an addictive drug...hmmmm this flipped me for a loop, as I am sure it did him. Sounds like he needs to try another rehab!!!! I really feel you on this! Oh, by the way you are always able to vent in here... ;)

I can't believe they said coke was addictive. I can't tell you how many ppl I know who are hooked on coke. Most of them are now on crack.

It's a sad state of affairs when rehabs don't see the right drugs as addictive.

Like Eternal I would go through the phone book until I found a rehab that would take it as serious as it should be taken!!!

Kari, I've had a second thought about this-- :eek: I am wondering if he told you the truth...any rehab that IS a rehab is NOT going to say Cocaine is NOT addictive. After thinking about this for a while it really made no sense. I am not trying to put doubts in your head, but this is a possibility, considering the ex is hooked on coke. He could be just avoiding the rehab process again. Just a thought here... :hmm:

Kari,

We do sometimes forget how cunning they can be. Find another rehab and also call this one without him knowing it and see if he's telling you the truth.

you know I did find out that Insurance companies will not cover that cost for Cocaine anymore. Atleast not a bed in a rehab. But... He is attending NA and some woman he goes to see, he is depressed ever since our divorce and well honestly he is my EX and i worry but he has to have family and all help him, because im the cause of his depression. Im not the one he needs to lean on. Someday we will be back to friends. Have a great weekend!

:eek: You are kidding right, they said cocaine was not addictive? They have another thing coming, I myself a recovering Coke head, got addicted to it right after my 3rd snort, when I couldn't snort anymore I shot up and it all spiraled down from there. Addicts are cunning and can manipulate anyone or any system, I know I used to do it.

For a rehab to say that goes against what it is truly about, getting clean.

I know I'm a little late to the party but here's my 2 cents worth.
I stay because he is still trying, and making progress, however slowly. Because he doesn't keep making the same mistakes (although he does make new and better ones!) Once he uses, all bets are off and I know that. Anything that happens then is the dope, not the man, and I go to extreme lengths to protect myself and my assets once that happens. Once he used, I stopped helping him, no $, no cell phone minutes, no car. He's been clean now alomst 3 years, by his own choice. Believe me, he went to great lengths to aviod stopping, the deals he made with himself!
You know them, "I'll only use a little, I'll only use after I test, I'll only use on the weekends, I'll hang out the boys but not use"? He tried each and every one and every time he called from booking I'd say "Damn Baby, now what?" And he'd have some other "deal" cooking!!! Finally, he ran out of things to try and all that was left was the realization that when he's using, he's nothing more than a punk for the bag. He still has problems, but dope isn't one of them.

Progress is a good thing!!! I am glad he is making the effort now to get clean!!! Your story sounds so familiar, with the deals he made with himself, and the limits he would set for himself..and in the end he realized he was not getting anywhere because the drug was controlling him. I am glad that he is now more focused, and I wish you both continued success!!!

I just have a little insight to the whole rehab saying coke is not addictive:
Here's the deal (coming from a recovering addict for 8yrs, teacher and therapist for narcotics and opiants dependency)
Coke IS ADDICTIVE!! But here is the confusion; if you "snort" it up your nose, then "detox" really isn't "detox", because there really are not any physical withdrawls!!! Now, if you smoke it (usally in the form of "rock" aka "crack-cocain), if you inject it(aka "bump" it"), then the withdrawls are very real, very painful, and depending on the length of use, can Kill you to try to come off w/o help. Now, how can you get off drugs w/ more drugs, right?? Isn't that how people get addicted to "pills"?? Really, that depends, Methodone is usually used to help heroin detox, once that's out, the methodone withdraw comparison is simply a joke!!
I can ALWAYS spot a "play the game" person!!! Everything they say is so.... routine in EVERY ADDICT!! And the last thing I want to clear up is the, "once and addict always an addict" NOT TRUE!!!!! Let me short explanation!! EVERYTHING in your life is a choice!!! If you made up your mind to do drugs, then you made the choice to keep doing drugs. If you made up your mind to detox and stay clean forever, then you already made your choice!!! Once out of your body, it is all in your head, and you must keep to your choice!!! People can choose to never again be an addict. That choice, and followed thru, you are not an addict!!! Look here, 8yrs!!! That was a choice and it is the same choice everyday I wake up!!! So I tell my peeps (that I sponsor) to STOP using it as a crutch and be accountable for your choices!!
once we don't hold them accountable, we are keeping them handicapped!! If you LOVE THEM, REALLY LOVE THEM OR YOURSELFS, TOUGH LOVE IS THE BEST......NO MORE ROOM FOR EXCUSES!!! EASIER SAID THAN DONE RIGHT....WRONG!!! MAKE UP YOUR MIND, AND LET YOUR WORDS AND ACTIONS BACK IT UP!!! IT IS THE BEST GIFT "OF LIFE" YOU CAN GIVE YOUR LOVED ONES. ANYBODY NEED ANY INFO ON INTERVENTION AND A NON-LOGISTICAL APPROACH TO REHABILITATION OF MINE THAT HAS A 96% SUCCESS RATE AND STILL TRACKING, PM ME, I WILL NEVER TURN A DEAF EAR!!

[quote=Eternal Hope]Kari, I've had a second thought about this-- :eek: I am wondering if he told you the truth...any rehab that IS a rehab is NOT going to say Cocaine is NOT addictive. After thinking about this for a while it really made no sense. I am not trying to put doubts in your head, but this is a possibility, considering the ex is hooked on coke. He could be just avoiding the rehab process again. Just a thought here... :hmm:

I think I confused you all. IM not saying its NOT addictive. Im saying that straight cocaine ... the insurance companies are denying people with that addication for bed programs. Instead treatments centers require them to attend na meetings, because they feel coke is not addictive to where you need to be in a 45 day program lets say where you live there. Insurance companies have bigger fish to fry now with Crack, Crank, Herion, sniffers etc. My EX isnt lying its the insurance company that denied the claim due to it is non addictive for over stay programs.

sorry i confused everyone LOL

Hows everyone doing today?

Boo got pulled to go to SAFP today, I am glad, its time we both get our crap together!

MonkeyBoi,that is just super!!! My best to both of you!!! Please keep us posted!

Ty hun I will keep everyone posted when I know all the info and such! Its the wait game now

monkey what is SAFP?

It is the substance abuse felony program, court ordered drug rehab, there is more information on the Texas threads. Other states I am not sure about if they have certain court ordered drug rehab programs.

Monkeyboi,

That's fanastic, I'll keep you both in my prayers.

Ty hun it will be needed, I have a month or more depending on when she gets in the system till I can see her and I am beside myself with nothing to do. While she was here in county I visited instead of playing around and now that I cant see her for awhile its like WOW wait up I don't know what to do!

best of luck monkeyboi thanks for sharing with us. I am new to alot of programs and i think they should have more of them for these men and women out there

Ty hun and yes there needs to be way more programs for everyone!

This is the first time for me. I have been a daily reader of the site
for several years. I just never stopped to register. Alot of questions
I had answers to. I think this is a great site for answers and support.
I have a brother in and a best friend and my x-boyfriend in TDC.
My x-boyfriend is in Saf-P for the second time. He was out of TDC
after only 10 months. As usualy started using again. He has a beautiful
9 year old daughter and a good family. Living with an addict is the hardest most painful thing there is. But your so right, they will lie,
cheat BR never stoled he didn't have to I had money and it was always
just this one time. I had known him for 9 years. We were together
for 17 months. I had to stop the relationship because it became physical
and my money would have been gone. How many have heard I've got
your back baby? Never happens. I love him today as much as always
but I don't use and never have, but living with an addict I've learned
alot. Walk away, keep a journal. Mine was easier two days after
I told him no more his parole was revoked he got lucky and just
got months at Saf-p in Glossbrenner. I'm sure he will try to come
back into my life when he comes home. Stay strong or beleive me
you will completely lose you. Thanks for all the great stuff this
site provides.

There are support groups available to people who have loved ones that are addicts. They can help you to understand why addicts do what they do and teach you ways to cope. I know from experience...they work. Picking up after the addict only enables them to continue living that lifestyle and destroying everyone and everything around them.

Yeah the support groups I have been to those before and just it didnt fullfill my issues, I guess I need the one on one therapy stuff

You know I tried the support groups. And I didn't get them either. I really do so much better on a one-on-one basis. Besides you guys are my support. Most of the time I just need to know what I'm feeling is me being paranoid or slowly going crazy. That it makes sense to someone else. There is so much to be, being involved with an addict.

I don't think others in society know just how tough it is for us to love an addict, inmate etc like we do.

Billys....Anytime you need soemone to talk to feel free to pm me or even if u just want to vent. Take Care your a strong person and God will be by your side all the time.

How are things going for you Kari??

Hi Eternal...

Well Lets See.....my Husband Is Doing Awesome I Can Not Believe The Changes He Has Made. Hes Very Happy And Finally Sees The Light That Their More To Life Then Becoming Institutionized In That Place.

My Ex Is Doing Ok, Still Attending Meetings And Talking To A Counselor. Im Happy That Hes Getting Help, But Angry To That I Sit Here Working 2 Jobs To Support His Kids And He Gets To Collect State Aid While Recovering From Drugs? Not Much I Can Do. He Never Paid Childsupport In His Life So I Guess I Will Just Grin And Bear It And Hope He Gets Better Soon Then Maybe He Can Take Responibity For His Kids.

Other Then That I Saw My Husband This Weekend And Had An Awesome Visit.

How Are You Doing Eternal?

Well I got a letter from him yesterday. I thought I would share it with you. It's so very typical addict!!

Hey -
How ya been? Hopefully well. Well it's been 2 weeks since I've seen ya. I get the picture though. I'm not F$$kin stupid. I guess all of the ignorant shit I've done to you, this is what I deserve. I have finally lost everything. For some reason I thought it would never happen. My children won't speak to me. My parents want me to spend 10 - 20 years in prison and my girlfriend cuts me loose also. I should of figured this out a month ago. But why did you tell me about sending me money. Now I owe people in here money. You should've just told me you couldn't. I told you just to let me know. I wasn't going to get mad. This program I'm enrolled in is all about change. I don't know. This is not meant for pity, but I know longer care. Write back or visit if you want.
Love,

P.S.
You WIN

He still doesn't get it!!!!!

Not sure what to say about the letter to me it sounds like a pity party

Billys,

Ahhhhh the letters.......Ive gotten some pretty "guilt" letters last year and even phone calls, but you have to stay strong, focus on you, when an addict wants help, they dont wallow in guilt they seek the help. I watched my husband manipulate the hell out of me, and when i finally learned about drugs and what to look for as signs, he realized Im not playing the game. Billys, I wish you luck and be strong and know that you are # 1 first and foremost!

Kari

If I start getting these pitty party guilt letters I will be pissed

Lol At Monki I Know The Feeling.....but Ive Gotten Those Letters...

Hope Billys Doing Better Let Us Know!

I am sittin here thinking pitty party my arse LOL

Hey Everyone,

Well here's an update on our progress slow as it may be. After reading his little pity letter. I wrote back probably the meanest letter I have ever written and sent. My first sentence was "You stupid F$cking SOB, if you think this is some game you're an A$$". It went from there. Telling him he needed to figure it out and for once I wasn't going to give him the answers. And once he figured it out maybe I would see him. I told him no matter what happens he would always be loved by me. I just can't do it anymore.

I got a new letter this week. At first it was harsh, which is what I expected. But then he talked about the program, how he was learning humbleness and with God's help he would make it. He was also give Sr Rep for his class.

I wrote him back and told him how proud of him I was and was glad he was starting to figure things out.

I haven't seen or talked to him in 4 weeks now. I still don't know where I'm headed with him. A big part of me is scared of him. Not that he is abusive but because of the addiction. I don't want him anywhere near me. But then there's a part of me that loves him dearly

BBG, I feel the same way at times about not wanting her near me and all this, but I look at it this way its been 7 years and we have managed to still be close after everything, addictions and all. I don't think I would go another year without my boo, period, addiction or not, 7 years is too much to throw away!

Billys- Glad That You Wrote That Letter It Needed To Be Done, Sometimes Tough Love Is Whats Needed. Beleive Ive Been There With Justin And It Isnt Easy To Do. But He Is Right, With Gods Love And Guideance He Will Make It, Just Remember He Has To Do This On His Own, And Want To Do It, I Tried To Force Justin At First And The Alanon Meeting They Told Me He Has To Want It, All I Can Do Is Sit Back And Give Some Tough Love. It Worked I Pray Every Day That It Stays That Way With Him And I Always Tell Him How Proud I Am Of Him. Sounds Babyish But They Need It

Take Care And Chin Up...and Smile :)

Well it's been a month I've seen him. So I went for a visit yesterday.

It was so hard. I wanted to run every minute I was there while I was waiting for him. I kept thinking this was just a waste of time. He hadn't changed.

He walked into the booth and stared at me. I felt so bad. His first words is this visit just to F**k with me. I told him no that I wanted to see him and surprise him. He said "You wanted?" I said no I needed. He asked about me and I told him I didn't want to discuss me. But I wanted to hear how he was doing. From there He told me about the class he was in and how he had signed up for the next one. His initial appearance in is September. He also told me the charges the city had dropped back in April, the County had picked up so now he was looking at 62 yrs max. Wow. I started to cry. He asked me what I needed. I told him I needed him to pick me up and swing me around like he used to. I needed to feel safe in his arms. And then I started to cry again. He said babe where's your faith, you are always telling me to have faith, where is yours. I told him I still had it, but it was hard hearing the sentence. Actually hearing someone tell you he could be facing that long of time.

I left there feeling for the first time ever he was finally starting to figure it out. I told him I was so proud of him. I told him I would be back, I didn't know when, but I would be there. He asked if I would be at the court hearing in October. I said absolutely.

You know what's weird about loving an addict??? It's no matter what they've done to you, you somehow can overlook it and still love them!

Hi Eternal...

Well Lets See.....my Husband Is Doing Awesome I Can Not Believe The Changes He Has Made. Hes Very Happy And Finally Sees The Light That Their More To Life Then Becoming Institutionized In That Place.

My Ex Is Doing Ok, Still Attending Meetings And Talking To A Counselor. Im Happy That Hes Getting Help, But Angry To That I Sit Here Working 2 Jobs To Support His Kids And He Gets To Collect State Aid While Recovering From Drugs? Not Much I Can Do. He Never Paid Childsupport In His Life So I Guess I Will Just Grin And Bear It And Hope He Gets Better Soon Then Maybe He Can Take Responibity For His Kids.

Other Then That I Saw My Husband This Weekend And Had An Awesome Visit.


Kari,
I am glad to hear that your husband is making positive changes for himself and that he is making the decision that being incarcerated is not what he wants for his life!! Congrats on the awesome visit!! :D
I feel you on having to continue all support for your kids alone while your ex gets treatment. Once he is better, out and working, I hope you are able to get the added support he needs to pay to help make his children's lives more productive. You deserve happiness my friend, and I pray it comes quickly and things change! HUGS!!!

BBG, I feel the same way at times about not wanting her near me and all this, but I look at it this way its been 7 years and we have managed to still be close after everything, addictions and all. I don't think I would go another year without my boo, period, addiction or not, 7 years is too much to throw away!

I am truly wishing all of the best to you and your boo.. Seven years is a long time, I would have to try as well! Possibly this will be what it takes to make the changes in her life so that you two can be happy!!! ;)

Well it's been a month I've seen him. So I went for a visit yesterday.

I left there feeling for the first time ever he was finally starting to figure it out. I told him I was so proud of him. I told him I would be back, I didn't know when, but I would be there. He asked if I would be at the court hearing in October. I said absolutely.

You know what's weird about loving an addict??? It's no matter what they've done to you, you somehow can overlook it and still love them!

Billy'sBabygirl,
Ouch, he is looking at a possible longgg sentence. :( I feel for you deeply here, but I am glad he is acting and seems to be thinking more realistically. You will continue to love them, of course- that is a given. Yet, you have come a long way in understanding his addiction, so you are able to love and not sit there with blinders on. I am happy to hear he is seeming to figure this all out, and I sure do wish you both the best in October at his hearing!!! HUGS!

False Guilt- That is me. I was married for 10 years to my soul mate & father of my 2 children, I spent the last 3 years of the marriage covering up my husbands addiction to crack cocaine. Of course he stole from me & our entire family, he lied, cheated, & used & abused me. I felt like I was the town idiot. After the house & car was repo'd, and most of our valuable possesions in the hands of who knows for god knows what... I took what I could & packed the kids & left him. I turned my back on him out of anger & frustration. I hired an attorney & began the paperwork for divorce. I began dating someone else (that I felt) rescued me from this insane life I was running away from. I fell head over heels for this guy. He made me smile & laugh again. When word got out I was dating, yep, you know it. The soon to be ex husband went off the deep end. He tried to do anything & everything he could to destroy this new found relationship. Should I have waited until the divorce was final? Should I of just gone back to him? I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to be embarrassed & didn't want to be the result of any problems for anyone else. I had 2 children to worry about, was I being selfish? It ended up in a violant outraged physical fight between my newfound love & my soon to be ex. I am not sure what exactly happened because I wasn't there to witness.... but my ex had a broken jaw bone & severe bruising & my newfound love ended up in prison for 18 month's on assault charges. 5 days after the fight my ex committed suicide. I am lost for words at what drugs can do to a person. I don't even know how to cope with the feelings of guilt inside of me.

Babyblues2-
You have to realize first of all, that you left for your own survival and for your children.That is not a selfish thing! You know how much humilation, loss, and abuse you suffered as a result of your ex husband's addiction to crack cocaine. As often happens you were able to meet someone else who treated you better than you had been treated in your marriage, so it was natural to fall for this guy. Do not for one minute believe this is your fault that things happened the way they did!!! It sounds to me that you were the one who was unselfish for many years..you put up with a whole lot of hurt and embarassment as well as fear- out of devotion to your husband. I am truly sorry that your ex and your new found love ended up in a physical confrontation that resulted in your new loved one going to prison.
I am also sorry to hear that your ex chose to end his life. Suicide is actually a very selfish thing to do, because the survivors always suffer, wondering - what if I had done this, or what if I had done that...
Please do not continue to feel if you had done things differently there may have been another outcome. Drugs of this kind do distort the addict's reality until they are unable to see anything except the need and desire for the drug. I am sure you had many discussions with your ex prior to your decision to leave and take the children, and he was not ready to make a change in order to have you stay with him. Co- dependency makes us feel like it is not them, its all up to us to be able to make them better, and that is not correct. Try reading up on co-dependency, and perhaps your feelings of guilt will lessen. Also, part of the normal 'grieving' process is where this questioning of self occurs, especially dealing with suicide. When you are finally at the anger stage in grief and are able to allow yourself to be mad at your ex for doing what he did to your family by taking his life; to be angry because he chose a permanent 'solution' to a temporary issue...you will be feeling much better. Hugs to you, and I do pray you are able to move through the necessary stages quickly. You are deserving of a good life!!! This was not your fault, remember that!!

I am hoping this does it Eternal, plus I have some changes to make myself!

I feel it will all work out this time, Monkey, my best to you :)

Ty hun very much and its needed

You know what's weird about loving an addict, is you feel so damn guilty about making the right choices. And do you know why we feel so guilty, because it's what we haven't done before.

We have let them manipulate us. We've let them steal from us. We've let them put us into debt. We've given them 3rd and 4th chances. We've let them cheat on us. We've put our lives aside trying to save their lives. We've lost who we are for them.

So when we finally put our foots down, we feel guilty. Not because we don't deserve to put our foots down, but because we feel as if we're betraying them. But all along we have been betraying ourselves for them.

It's weird how we can care for everyone else, but the moment we start caring for ourselves we feel guilty.

Just some thoughts

that is so true.. I think guilt is a major addiction and a tough one to get over

Eternal: Thank You, your words were much needed & appreciated. I went thru counseling for over a year & I think in one paragraph you enlightened me more than words can say. I am very angry at my ex for being so selfish & taking his own life, but I think I will always live with guilt- maybe because of the in laws,They publicly humiliated me in the newspapers during the assault trial, (small town- treated as a high profile case) but it wasn't even the words they said, I try not to let it get to me; their blame & pointing fingers at me. I do not know how it feels to loose a child, so I cannot relate to how his mother feels, but she also could never relate to what her son put me thru & how I did have to survive. They blame me for the suicide? How is that possible? I don't think I will ever understand the reasons. I know time heals all wounds, but this family will never forgive me for something I had no control over. As for my new found love I am standing by him thru this prison term. We have discussed marriage & our future, and letting go of the past & starting over is what we need most. Had he never gotten involved with me he wouldn't be where he is. Yet, I do not think he is completely innocent, he made his decision & has to do his time for what he did, which he is. It is all so very frustrating. Thank you for taking your time to respond.

BB2

I am so sorry for everything you have been through. Please take heart in what Eternal has stated. It was not your fault and you had no control over what happen to him. I know how small towns are and talking moves quickly, but keep in mind if you hadn't done what you did the talk might have been mourning over you. As for you new man. I wish you both the best of luck and my prayers are with you.

I hate the guilt- whether false or not, some of our addicts try or do put on us and cuz we love them we put up with it, I put my foot down but I still have guilt over one incident that is gonna take awhile to go away.

HI Everyone

Hope you all have a nice weekend......


God Bless

Kari

You too Kari!!!!! :)

I hope everyone has a peaceful weekend

I hope everyone had a great weekend.

I spent yesterday visiting him. I cried a lot up there. But this time for all the right reasons. I have been trying to dissect everything. The facts that he is an addict and I'm co-dependent. I've listen to everyone's opionion and have come to the conclusion. That regardless of these fact I really do love him. In fact I love him more than I thought was possible.
Even up there visiting him we actually laughed. It's kind weird sitting there between plexiglas and laughing and then crying.

You what's weird about loving an addict is you never stop loving them!!!!

I am co dependent myself and dont care what anyone else thinks about my situation either, its my business and not anyone else's.

I cant wait for my visit but its gonna take time for her to do the 30-45 days needed for her to finish phase 1 and such.

Billy'sbabygirl, we will support you no matter what you decide hon. Love is love. Hugs!
Monkey I hope those days fly by til you can get a visit!!!

Well i read this thread almost daily.....my story isn't any differnt than everyone elses hear i suppose. I have loved an addict for 4 years and watch him destroy himself....i myself have l never touched the stuff. He is now is state and of coarse i thought this would be an eye opener for him and he would finally get "right"....WRONG!!! I have found out from a friend that he is already making more contacts and setting things up for when he gets out...makes my heart sink. After years of supporting him, making excuses for him and how he was brought up....only to have him write me the most wonderful letters he has ever written and i really thought there might be hope for us yet........then i find this out. I haven't gone to see him for three weeks nore have i written him. What would i say to him? Only to have him deny it, lie and beg for me to beleive he is on the right path. My heart is broke, and i am having a hard time dealing with his letters to me asking why i have written or seen him. I am trying to stay strong because i know this is the right thing to do..just let him go. I just beat myself up becasue i promised him i would never leave him and always be there for him...then i do this. But wether he is in the best enviorment or the worst he will find the drug if he wants to. SO i can't fight for him anymore until he decides to fight for himself.
Thanks for listening...i hope i am doing the right thing. :confused:

Only you can make the judgement if you are doing the right thing or not, if I were you I would confront him about this and tell him how you feel.

Eternal I need to find some stuff to do to make the time pass by a lil faster, this going to work and going home is taking a toll.

Simplegirl, I do understand, One last time I would definitely talk to him and let him know how this makes you feel. Then he can make the decision to change if he wants to- all you can do is lay it out for him - Hugs I know its tough loving an addict. They will try to make us believe anything... :(

Monkey, how about doing something nice for yourself... treat yourself to a movie or maybe some candles and a long relaxing bubble bath...pamper yourself a little bit... you deserve a break ;)

Well i have been thinking i should write him or go see him face to face. I just really don't like discussing that type of stuff in a letter or on a visit as they read everything and listen to it too. I also know he will just tell me what he thinks i need/want to hear. He has done it some many times before. I just know he is freaking out thinking i have left him, andi hate that. Letters and visits are their only contact to the "freeworld" it's like their lifeline.
Thanks for the responses! :rolleyes:

I agree, a face to face visit is the best way...keep us posted. We are here for you !

lol that I do often treate myself, what I really want is some vacation time to do absolutely nothing and have absolutely noone to call me, but we only have 2 workers in the office and I happen to be one of them, so that is hard to come by.

I think I need a hobby or something!

Thanks for the support I will keep you posted. I am such a wreck over all this i just dont even know which way to turn!!!

Not knowing where to turn is often a part of loving an addict, been there done that will do it again if I have to.

Face to face is always better because communication is more open and free and not on some piece of paper where it can be taken wrong.

I agree face to face is probably the best. But I'm a coward when it comes to stuff like this. I wrote him a letter telling him I was tired of everything... Didn't see or have contact for 4 weeks.. He told me it was probably the best thing I ever did for him. It really depends on the addict. I used to tell him how I wasn't going to stand for it anymore.. And still write him and do the calls. As long as I was allowing contact with me he thought he could still manipulate me.

Eternal.... Thank you!!!! Still haven't decided anything yet. Our conversations are good, but I'm still very leary of him.

Im glad he didnt misinterprete what u were saying in letter cuz alot of people tend to do that

He knows me better than myself. He did think he lost me forever. But that was my intention. I'm glad I did what I did.

And I'm not saying this is the way to go for everyone.

But tough love with an addict is a very good way to handle them.

He knows me better than myself. He did think he lost me forever. But that was my intention. I'm glad I did what I did.

And I'm not saying this is the way to go for everyone.

But tough love with an addict is a very good way to handle them.

Sometimes it is the only way to handle them! When we are always there through thick and thin, and then we lay it on the line for them, they may not take us seriously at first, but when they finally realize we are serious, one or more things may happen. May get their attention, and they may want to change because they do care about us, or at least seriously consider changing for the first time in their lives. Or, if they are totally into 'self', with no feelings for us, we will learn that then too. Glad this has made a difference, in your case, Billy'sbabygirl!!!! :)

I talked to him on the phone last night. I had some confessing to do. When he left me the last time I had started dating someone else. I thought there had to be something better. I told him I was seeing someone else. At the time he understood. After he was in a month, I told him I had stop seeing this person. I lied. But in the past two weeks, I realized how much my love for him was. My new relationship was/has failed, because my heart wasn't in it. That's when I realized I'm TOTALLY in love with an addict. I expected him to be angry. He told me he couldn't deal with that right now. He had to block it out. He told me I didn't need to explain anything to him. He said he didn't except my life to stop not after everything he had done to me. He told me how to handle a legal situation. I have the good Billy back!!! I used to tell him, I hate the mean Billy, *he was verbally loud, like most addicts in the crave stage of the addiction* That I want the nice/good Billy. I asked him last night if he could stay like this forever, he said "Baby, no one can promise anything forever". I said how about until tomorrow. And he said he could guarantee that. He said one day at a time. I THINK HE HAS FINALLY GOT IT. HE'S FIGURING IT OUT!!!!!!!!

Loving an Addict is figuring out how strong they are and more importantly how strong you are.

Bravo Billy'sBabygirl!!!!! One day at a time it is :D You are so right about Loving An Addict- you will find strengths you never knew you had before... whether it is strength to continue on with them, or the strength to leave. Sounds like there is light at the end of this tunnel for you two :)

I got a letter from boo and it seems the first 30 days have been pretty hard on her but she is getting used to it, am hoping she goes to phase 2 soon!

Sorry to hear that the first 30 have been so hard!!! Prayers being sent as I type, hang in there Monkey!!!!

ty hun I still have to call the counselor to find out when she can get a visit but I have to wait due to a few things that have come up.

I wish you the best on this Monkey...keep us posted!!!

WELL ITS BEEN AWHILE SINCE I CHECKED IN HERE. COURSE DIDNT THINK I WAS GOING TO.....BUT LAST SUNDAY JUSTIN SLIPPED AGAIN.:angry:

NEEDLESS TO SAY I BAILED HIM OUT AGAIN AND AM NOW BROKE. WE HAD IT OUT AND I TOLD HIM THIS IS IT, EITHER POOP OR GET OFF THE POT CUZ IM DONE WITH THIS POOP.

HE SEEMS TO BE DOING FINE AND MADE PROMISE TO DO GOOD FROM NOW ON, ALTHOUGH I SAID DONT PROMISE THEY ALL HAVE BEEN BROKE JUST DO IT FOR YOURSELF.....AND THATS ALL IM ASKING

ITS SO STRESSFUL

HOPE ALL IS WELL WITH YOU ALL

KARI

Sorry to hear all the poop u are going through

Eternal I will keep yall posted for sure

kari05,

I'm so sorry to hear about Justin's relapse. I've been there with bailing them out. I hope everything works out for you. Both you and Justin are in my prayers.

Monkey... hang in there that first visit is going to be awesome!!!!!!!

I saw Billy on Saturday.....You know everytime I go up there someone asks is your son in here.... What do they think only young guys get in trouble and not that we're old, he's 31 and I just shhhhh turned 40. He waited until he was 25 before he even took a pain pill. I wish he never did...Anyways... My point is addiction doesn't discriminate.

We had this really good visit again... and I really want to get my hopes up.... especially when he said he knew who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and who he wanted to travel it down along side of. When I asked "who?" he goes some dude.. I just giggled.. then he said are you gonna flash me now... (before he went in and he would call me a dude, I would flash him and say would a dude have these)...He told me he used to never worry about me not being there, but his biggest fear is if and when he gets out.. if he relapses, which the odds are he will, I will leave him. I told him, that's where honesty is going have to be our number one priority. I told him I wasn't blind... But the one thing that would have my bags packed and gone in a heart beat, if he ever put a needle in his body again. I can handle just about anything else and we can deal with getting help for anything else... but not the needles.. and that when he got out he still needed to go to his meeting and church.. If he did all this and still relapse, then we could work through it. But it's has to be a way of life for both of us now... meetings, classes, therapy... it's all or nothing....He said he understood...

You know what's weird about loving an addict.. Is we hang in there forever!!! where most would give up....

(((((((((Kari05))))))))) so sorry to hear about Justin...praying for the best in this!!!
Billy'sbabygirl, I am glad he understands...and you are so right!!!!

BBG you have a good point for some reason we do hang in there forever

thanks all.....I appreciate the help and talks.

Im staying positive and look forward to a bright future!

We are all behind you too Kari05 for exactly that!! A brighter future!!!!!!

I need more advice on this subject please...
My story is very long. I would like to share it but it would just make everyone cry so I will give you the short version...
My husband is a drug addict. He has been locked up 3 times since we have been together (7 years) and now he is locked up for time #4. No matter what pain he caused me I have always there to catch him every time he fell. At the begining of the year (2006) something happened and I have been falling apaprt ever since. I have begged him to help me but he hasn't done it yet. I know there isn't much he can do from behind those walls but he can still communicate with me on the subject and that would be a big help in itself. Last week I got a letter from him fussing at me for not writing him enough. I couldn't believe he was being so selfish. I have told him time and time again that I am having a hard time simply functioning right now and he has the nerve to try and make me feel guilty that I am not writing enough. It really got me to thinking and I finally took a good look at our past and found a pattern that I have been oblivious to all along. I have been the giver. I have always been the one to catch him when he falls. He has never done anything for me except drag me down... no wonder he doesn't know how to help me now or feel like he needs to. He only sees things from his perspective and he tries to play off the fact that I will feel sorry for him and guilty and that is what that letter was about. I looked it up on the internet and found co-dependency information. Okay so I am co-dependent... now what do I do?

Lil~ I know how you are feelings. Being an enabler is something we dont want to be, but we feel sorry for our men and sometimes love is so strong that you never want to give up for you thnk in your heart they will change. I learned the hard way and after many sessions at al-anon meetings I learned Im an enabler and can not allow myself to do this anymore as i am not really helping my husband, i am making him lead right to his death because i constantly pick up the pieces when he screws up. It was a very hard choice to make but I finally started standing my ground and let him know I have 2 children to care for and then there is ME I need to take care of me. for years I dealt with this type of behavior and i wont tolerate it anymore.

You need to maybe check out some of those meetings you will be amazed at what you learn, I sat there and every situation that was d