I have been married since May 6th, of 2003. My husband is now in West Valley Detention Center facing the death penalty. I used to be so in love with him, but the time he was home he was real abusive mentally and physically. I just got out of jail I did eight months. During this time I corrosponded with him via mail and I tried to lie and say I love him but it just does'nt feel right. I want to be there for him and not leave him alone. but I find my emotions have turned off (cold). I know this is a crucial time in his life, but I just don't know what to do. Should I send in Divorce paper to him at the present time or should I wait until he sentenced. Maybe until he gets out if that is in his future. Please help me. I am lost and confused. Or should I wait until he gets out and try cousneling. My parents are against our relationship ever since I fessed up to what he was doing to me. Any advice would be of great help.

Erica

Sweetie, if he abused you, then you owe him nothing. It's up to you what you want to do about timing. Sometimes you just have to forget about "what will they think", and just deal with the fact that he literally beat the love out of you. If he can behave that way, then what he will feel when you file for divorce is unimportant.
Peace

I have done some counseling for those abused and I was in an abusive relationship myself. Being in an abusive relationship is a sick kind of love. It doesn't help you it hurts you and the sad thing is very very few abusers stop being abusive through counseling. You earn love and support and he hasn't done either. He has chosen this path for himself and has done nothing to help himself. Let him walk this path alone and you get on with a healthy life for yourself and leave behind the hurt and confusion. You deserve more!

Thank you very much for the advice it really helped out. I still don't know what I am going to do but your advice gives me a little help on deciding.

If he is in and not working towards changing his ways and not trying what will you do when you comes home? They have to want to change, you can not change them. My heart goes out to you but if he isn't willing to work, get help and change while he is in, then he is never going to and it will only get worse.

I was in an abusive relationship for many years & now we are divorsed I am finding out who I am & discovering my creative side. It took me a long time to trust & love again, but it has happened. Don't stay for him, he wont appreciate it anyway. make the break without feeling guilty, you owe it to your higher self. Be strong & true to yourself.
strength to you
Sandyg

I was having a difficult time making up my mind than God stepped in and I'm on felony probation right now and I just found out that I have to have zero contact with him it's part of my terms and conditions. God works in mysterious ways.

Praise God

Amen

i am stuck in a rough spot once again. I just dont want to leave him all alone. It's for my best interest leaving him alone. But I can't. It makes me feel so bad.

Luv, me

I know how you feel and it really feels so bad! I wish I could say it gets better over time but I'm not sure it does. I have a loved one who I have been stuggling with myself over whether to contact or not since aug. of 2004. Of course, it is in my best interest not to. The more I am away from the situation the clearer things are but that doesn't make the feelings any less real. Then more than that is the sense of loyalty- more than anything really. I am trying not to romanticize the good times and to have a true sense of the bad times. Writing them down really helps. Oh, there were sooo many bad times- maybe many more than good times- and the bad times were really, really bad times. The more time that passes the more I realize this. I find myself now thinking is there anything that is really worth salvaging? I realize I will probably always have the feelings but I don't have to act on them- I just have to acknowledge they are there. This bad feeling is not ANYWHERE NEAR as bad as the bad times when we were together. Maybe you can find some peace in that thought.

God Bless!

I think you said it all when you said "God works in mysterious ways" now you just have to trust in what he has planned for you. I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years and I have 2 beautiful boys. Now my 11 year old grew up with seeing the abuse and he has been getting violent, he has not hit me but he has twisted my arms and yells at me all of the time. I don't know if you have children but if you do you owe it to them to walk away while you still have the ability to do so and hopefully they don't learn the same behaviors. Your children learn how to treat people from the way you treat people and that is not what you want to teach them about love and relationships, truat me I ve been there and it only gets worse.I am going to post a poem I wrote I hope nobody minds.Vicious Cycle

Every time he raises his hand
I don’t think he really understands.
What it does to someone.
You are never the same once it has begun.
You are filled with pain and shame,
And you alone shoulder the blame.
You shouldn’t have made him upset
And after he says, he’s full of regret
Until next time he can’t control his rage
and you feel like you’re trapped in a cage
You believe all of the awful names he calls you
And that is what he wants you to do
As time goes by
Slowly inside you start to die
He keeps you a prisoner with your mind
That’s why he is so unkind
Nobody else will want you or you’re so stupid can’t you do anything right?
I can’t stand to look at you, get out of my site
So you cry at night when you think no one can hear
Just wanting to have someone near
You can’t have friends or be close to your family
He wants you as alone as you can be
Soon you are alone and you didn’t even realize it
And now there is no one to tell when you are hit
He has you all to himself just as he planned
And you have time for his every command
But he’s the one who gives you what you need
You can’t leave now you have kids to feed
So now, you see the vicious cycle of abuse
So don’t let him do it there is no excuse
Don’t listen to his lies
Take a lesson from the wise
You are beautiful inside and out
Don’t let him fill you with pain and doubt
Be strong
The road without him may be long
But at least you can be you
And you can do what you want to do
Yes, I know it is easier said than done
Because right now I am trying to convince myself to run
But I look my two boys in the face
And I know I can’t erase
The things they have heard and seen.
I don’t want to believe they could ever be so mean
Although I can see how me staying has already affected their lives
I just couldn’t stand it if they grew up to abuse their wives
And now, because I was afraid
Two more abusive men I have made

Get yourself to a domestic violence counselor! He's put marks on your soul, and a counselor can help them go away.
Remember, too, that abusive men don't have a real sense of anything in the whole world but themselves. He may curse your name to all eternity, but he does that to almost everyone. You cannot be special to him, except in "dissing" him, because no-one is allowed to be special but him. You and your feelings are inconvenient to him, because they might make him feel less . . . exalted than he feels he deserves. He will never let you be a friend, because as just a friend you are not giving him the duty and servitude he expects.
So I'll say it again - go see a counselor. You have every right to one, and perhaps a psychiatrist, too, because the odds are very good that you have PTSD now, along with anything else you might have started out with. You are worth infinitely more than he is, and frankly, he doesn't deserve even a single letter from you. Not one. Nor another thought. And though that is hard to hear, you can chart your own path to health by how much or how little pull he has on your heart.
It's even OK for you to hate him for a little while, but that too will have to end. You will finally be out of it when you realize that you owe him nothing. Not one thing. He owes you a great deal, but he'll never pay. So take heart - at least now you can stop making the hole you're in any deeper, and with a llttle help you can start down a road toward a really happy life.
Peace and hugs.

[quote=luv2praisegod]i am stuck in a rough spot once again. I just dont want to leave him all alone. It's for my best interest leaving him alone. But I can't. It makes me feel so bad.

Erica, there is one very good saying in the Bible : " Don't throw your pearls to the pigs, because they will walk over it with their feet." Don't feel bad about leaving him now. If you stay, he will NEVER appreciate it nor thank you for that.

well i would wait till he got out- why is he facing the death penalty?

I think that if you don't love him anymore probably due to how he treated you, then tell him. It's news, that I'm sure he'll never want to hear from you. But, why pacify him with false hopes, if your feelings towards him, may have changed? This way, you can get on with your life and hopefully find someone who is healthy and good for you. I think, some guys can change with enough determination and effort and some can't. If he is facing the death penalty, will he be getting out at all? And if so, it couldn't be for a long time right? I don't know. I can understand why your family feels the ways they do. If someone was harming your/my child, in any way, you and I wouldn't like that one bit. And we would want someone better, a better life for them. But, I think in time, you will know what to do. Sometimes in my past, I had stayed with someone that I had lost feelings for, just because I felt sorry for them and didn't want to hurt them. But, then I realized, that I have a right to live too. And, I can't help that my feelings had changed. They are what they are. And, It was just a matter of time before it was bound to end. Then, I had wished I had broke it off it earlier. Hope I was able to help a little bit, at least? Good luck to you. I wish you the best.
Love, Sheila:twocents: :o

I have been there done that. There is no reason why you should feel bad. You have done nothing wrong. You deserve so much more. Trust me there is someone out there who will love you, and protect you. You do what ever it takes to stay away from him, and get on with your life. If you feel no one loves you...well I am here to tell you that "God" god loves you and has your very best interest at heart....I hope you make the right decision...May god bless you..hugs angela

I feel as though staying in a relationship that is potentially violent because of a past history, is NOT doing any children one bit of good but teach them that abuse is ok. Boys will most likely beat their girlfriends or wives, and girls will most likely get involved with or married to someone who is abusive to them. Because it's what they saw growing up.

I suppose it's true that abusive men can change. ( I have my own feelings about this ) It will take years and years of counseling and anger management, to even begin to change.

When I start to get weak, or begin to think that maybe "He's" changed, I remember what I went through, how hard it was to leave and stay gone, going on 4 years later, and I then remember why I left, and WHY I will never go back one day at a time.

Sunnie

Yes, God does work in mysterious ways. God loves you so much that he gave you an out!! This is your chance to find true happiness. Go find it. You can't communicate with him, so be it. He never really communicated with you anyway. he allowed his "butt" to do his talking. Now look where he's at. Maybe it was drugs, alcohol, or just a man full of hate. Doesn't matter. There is nothing in this world that will excuse a man abusing you mentally or verbally. You are worth more than he will ever show you. This man as you speak, he is a monster. Move on and never look back. If he gets a long sentence, then you have all that time without looking over your shoulder to move on. Good luck and God bless you!!

i think that NIMUAY ahs given you direct advice and why.for whatever reasons you are feeling this way doesnt matter-for now you jsut need to knwo that you dont owe him NOTHING!you owe yourself the right to happiness.it seems like he programmed you to never leave him alone and now you are forcing yourself to be his savior.your heart is telling you that it is ready to move on but your mind is telling you what he drilled into your memory.now that you know what he has done to you i think you need help breaking out of his 'programming'.for years i was in denial that my ex had programed anything in my brain-duh!i was as confused as h3ll!!when you hve thoughts that you should be there for him remind your self of how big bad and strong he was when yall were together and you will know he can handle himself.of course he gone make it seem like he just cant breathe without yalls love.dont pay him no mind.

@latina kitten
why would you wait until he gets out-when he is likely to still be angry about going to jail,now he done found out his girl done filed for a divorce?!?