Sweetiegirl
07-16-2003, 02:21 AM
Through Pain
I was 16 and he swore to love me till the day I died. He called me his soldier, his lil' sweet girl, his thug love. I gave myself to him despite his age, despite his obvious evil. His words never left my mind. When I sleep sometimes I still hear his voice. "Arent you down my sweet girl? Would you do anything for Westside? For 30z? Don't you love me?" I did love him, more than myself. It was for his pleasure that I woke everyday. But childhood love doesn't last. Especially when he's not a child and he just went back to prison, this time for armed robbery.
I kept on believing though that I was that girl, that soldier, that thug. Boys came and went, they tried to possess me. I let them, I gave them that control. The whole time playing this role, that I'm strong, I'm down for whatever. Over time it wasn't a role anymore. It became the true me. I let go of the baby G'z, the OG'z, and all the thug homies from my past. I fell in love with a man who I believed was perfect. He was so different from those other boys.
He didn't run with a gang, he'd never been in jail. This boy was kind; he took me out on my first ever real date. Dinner and a movie. I was 20 years old. We moved in together, he had a real job. This boy didn't run drugs. Though he drank a little too much sometimes and he liked meth a little too much. But from what I'd left behind, he seemed much more together. After six months I learned the truth. I hadn't left anything behind. So what if now there wasn't a gang to back him up? He hurt me. I never knew that one person could cry so much. I remember every punch, every hit. He spit in my face. I remember every dirty name he called me. Mostly I remember the stays in the hospital. I will never forget the heartache of two babies, not given the chance to breathe life, to feel love and joy. All because their father couldn't keep the anger out of his fists. Though it took me years to walk away somehow I did find the strength to leave.
Now I sit here that lost little girl again. Now I sit here unable to feel anything. There is nothing anymore. I'm numb to everything around me. As if life isn't real anymore, as if nothing can again be good or pure. I know I'm far from pure; my thoughts are far from good. What do they see when they look at me? Tattoos and a tongue ring, baggy pants and hoodie, blue rag in my back pocket and one on my head. They see that thug, without realizing I'm not her anymore. I have grown up. Grown into a scared and frightened girl. At 24 years old I still get called a girl everywhere I go. All I want is to love again. To truly love for the first time actually. I don't ever want a man to love me the way those boys did.
Through pain I learned who I was. Through pain I discovered where I went wrong. Through pain I got lost, but managed to find myself. No matter how screwed up I am. No matter how many issues I have. No matter, because through pain I became better to me, for me, not for them. I wake up every morning to see my own face, to see my own smile. And though it may take years for me to surrender my heart or hope to another, at least I can still feel one thing, my heart beat. Through pain came the knowledge that though I ache at least I still live. For that I can feel. Maybe I'm not so numb after all.
This was written after I seperated from my Husband, it's the short version of my life story. The first part is about my Ex OG Shark, the rest about Blaine. I was in the hospital over ten times due to his abuse in a two year period. I also miscarried two babies at his hands. To all women out there walk away now, don't let any man bring you down. Be strong!!!
I was 16 and he swore to love me till the day I died. He called me his soldier, his lil' sweet girl, his thug love. I gave myself to him despite his age, despite his obvious evil. His words never left my mind. When I sleep sometimes I still hear his voice. "Arent you down my sweet girl? Would you do anything for Westside? For 30z? Don't you love me?" I did love him, more than myself. It was for his pleasure that I woke everyday. But childhood love doesn't last. Especially when he's not a child and he just went back to prison, this time for armed robbery.
I kept on believing though that I was that girl, that soldier, that thug. Boys came and went, they tried to possess me. I let them, I gave them that control. The whole time playing this role, that I'm strong, I'm down for whatever. Over time it wasn't a role anymore. It became the true me. I let go of the baby G'z, the OG'z, and all the thug homies from my past. I fell in love with a man who I believed was perfect. He was so different from those other boys.
He didn't run with a gang, he'd never been in jail. This boy was kind; he took me out on my first ever real date. Dinner and a movie. I was 20 years old. We moved in together, he had a real job. This boy didn't run drugs. Though he drank a little too much sometimes and he liked meth a little too much. But from what I'd left behind, he seemed much more together. After six months I learned the truth. I hadn't left anything behind. So what if now there wasn't a gang to back him up? He hurt me. I never knew that one person could cry so much. I remember every punch, every hit. He spit in my face. I remember every dirty name he called me. Mostly I remember the stays in the hospital. I will never forget the heartache of two babies, not given the chance to breathe life, to feel love and joy. All because their father couldn't keep the anger out of his fists. Though it took me years to walk away somehow I did find the strength to leave.
Now I sit here that lost little girl again. Now I sit here unable to feel anything. There is nothing anymore. I'm numb to everything around me. As if life isn't real anymore, as if nothing can again be good or pure. I know I'm far from pure; my thoughts are far from good. What do they see when they look at me? Tattoos and a tongue ring, baggy pants and hoodie, blue rag in my back pocket and one on my head. They see that thug, without realizing I'm not her anymore. I have grown up. Grown into a scared and frightened girl. At 24 years old I still get called a girl everywhere I go. All I want is to love again. To truly love for the first time actually. I don't ever want a man to love me the way those boys did.
Through pain I learned who I was. Through pain I discovered where I went wrong. Through pain I got lost, but managed to find myself. No matter how screwed up I am. No matter how many issues I have. No matter, because through pain I became better to me, for me, not for them. I wake up every morning to see my own face, to see my own smile. And though it may take years for me to surrender my heart or hope to another, at least I can still feel one thing, my heart beat. Through pain came the knowledge that though I ache at least I still live. For that I can feel. Maybe I'm not so numb after all.
This was written after I seperated from my Husband, it's the short version of my life story. The first part is about my Ex OG Shark, the rest about Blaine. I was in the hospital over ten times due to his abuse in a two year period. I also miscarried two babies at his hands. To all women out there walk away now, don't let any man bring you down. Be strong!!!